


Still Crazy After All These Years

by PaganBaby



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Abuse, Adult content and language, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-12
Updated: 2014-12-06
Packaged: 2017-11-16 07:11:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 323,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/536853
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaganBaby/pseuds/PaganBaby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Re-imagining of the episode 'Crush'.   Drusilla comes back to Sunnydale with two goals:  1) To get Spike back, and 2) To kill Buffy.  She believes the answer to all her problems is the death of the Slayer.</p>
<p>Warnings for:  Adult language and content; angst; explicit sex; violence; torture (it's not too graphic!); mention of a Spike/Dru/Angel threesome.  There's a lotta angst in this one.  Those of you who don't care for angst might want to wait for my next lighthearted romp :)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The episode didn't turn out well for us Spuffy fans, did it? I got the urge to make some changes and do a rewrite. One big difference in my version is that Buffy acknowledges having an attraction to Spike on a level from the start (at least to herself), 'cos we all know it was true *wink* 
> 
> There are major differences from the episode in my story, but I did keep some scenes and dialogue from the episode written by David Fury. Thanks to Buffyworld (www.buffyworld.com) for providing the episode transcripts!
> 
> * Big thanks to my two wonderful betas, Dragonfly Lady and Passion4Spike! Passion4Spike also helped a lot with the channeling of Dru, and as always, provided devilish encouragement >:D  
> * Thanks to Edgehead and xoChantelly for the awesome banners! 
> 
> I took the title of the story from the song by Paul Simon. I thought 'Still Crazy After All These Years' was a perfect title for a story with Drusilla lol Spike and Buffy are kinda crazy in their own ways, too :) If you'd like to give the song a listen, here's a YouTube link: 
> 
> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=46bkXgxb66E
> 
> Enjoy!}

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awesome banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

As she made her way home from the fruitless investigation at the train station, Buffy remembered the conversation with Dawn she'd had while escorting her home from Spike's crypt...

_Earlier..._

Buffy crossed her arms, realizing what was going on. "You have a crush on him."

"No, I don't!" Dawn protested. "It's just," she giggled, looking bashful, "he's got cool hair, and he wears cool leather coats and stuff." A moment later, she stopped smiling and became serious. "And he doesn't treat me like an alien."

"He's a killer, Dawn. You cannot have a crush on a thing that's... dead, and... and evil, and a vampire."

"Right," Dawn said smugly, "that's why you were never with Angel for three years."

Buffy swallowed, then said in a quiet voice, "Angel's different. He has a soul."

Dawn shrugged, unfazed. "Spike has a chip. Same diff."

Buffy turned away, gesturing angrily. "I-I can't listen to this!" She sighed and turned back. "Spike is a monster, okay? A-and plus, you are only fourteen years old."

"I like hanging out with him, is all. And even if I did have a crush, he wouldn't notice in a million years... Not with _you_ around."

Buffy frowned. "What's that mean?"

"Spike's totally into you."

Buffy was speechless. She blinked at Dawn, not able to comprehend what her sister was saying.

"Oh, come on." Dawn rolled her eyes. "You didn't notice? Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you."

 

_Back in the present..._

That last sentence echoed in Buffy's mind: _Buffy, Spike is completely in love with you-ooo-ooo-ooo..._

How could it be true? Spike had a thing for her? _Spike_?! He hated her, he'd tried to kill her numerous times, his favorite hobby was making Buffy's life miserable. How could he possibly be in love, or even in lust, with her?

Buffy would never go down the vampire boyfriend path again, especially not with Spike. Okay... he was gorgeous. That, she'd noticed and couldn't deny to herself. But he was also evil and undead. Although, he'd been helping her out lately, and he was awfully nice to Dawn and her mom...

"No," Buffy said out loud, shaking her head. "Absolutely not. It's stupid and... and creepy, and wrong. It's a truckload of stupid, creepy, and wrong."

What Spike felt for her (if anything) had to be some kind of bizarre crush or fixation. Leave it to him to be twisted enough to have inappropriate feelings for his natural enemy. It was like a snake falling in love with a mongoose... or was it a mongoose falling in love with a snake? She wasn't sure who was who in that analogy. Whatever it was that Spike felt, it surely wasn't love. Soulless vampires _couldn't_ love (or so she'd convinced herself during Angelus' reign of terror); they just weren't capable of it. Spike had seemed to love Dru... but that was just some weird loyalty or Sire thing. Not _real_ love. 

Maybe Dawn was mistaken. Maybe her sister had just gotten the wrong impression and Spike wasn't in _anything_ with her. After all, Dawn was just a _child_ , what did she know about love? 

Buffy was very nervous about seeing Spike after what Dawn had told her. She was afraid to have the subject of his feelings for her confirmed... or denied.

There was a little piece of her that was super-secretly thrilled to think that Spike was enamored with her. That piece of her recalled how extraordinary his kisses and touches had been when they'd been 'engaged'. That piece of her still wanted him. After getting dumped by Riley, it felt so good to be desired by a man as handsome, sexy, and strong as Spike -- even if he was a vampire. And what did that say about Buffy? That the only males who found her irresistible were of the undead variety, and that at least part of her enjoyed the attention...

But the bigger portion of her mind knew how wrong it was. Just plain wrong. It disgusted and scared the resolute Slayer part of her psyche. Any feelings or warm thoughts for or about Spike were strictly forbidden -- and swiftly buried when they did occur. In another time, another place, and minus the evil, she could have fallen for Spike. But he was who and _what_ he was, and she was who and what she was, so there wasn't any chance of anything romantic happening between them. Ever. Never-ever.

* * *

Buffy was relieved when she finally entered her house. She'd had too long to ponder Spike and his possible squishy feelings for her, it was making her crazy. A conversation with other human beings would help chase away those thoughts, fears (and feelings) about that pain-in-the-ass, bleached blond vampire.

Joyce came into the foyer from the kitchen when she heard Buffy come in.

"Hey, Mom," Buffy said with a wan smile as she hung up her jacket.

"Hi, honey. Any luck at the train station?" Joyce asked.

Buffy frowned and shook her head. "No, the cops seemed to have actually done a thorough job for once. There wasn't any kind of evidence left behind by the time Xander and I got there."

She sighed. "I hope one of you finds some clues soon, before someone else gets hurt, or worse. Maybe he'll have better luck."

"He? You mean Xander?"

"I meant Spike. He was here earlier," Joyce said off-handedly as she walked into the kitchen. "He said he was going to go digging for clues. I hope he didn't mean that literally."

Buffy's eyes widened; she gulped and followed her mother into the kitchen. "Huh?" 

"I said, Spike was here. He just stopped by to see how we were and apologize about Dawn going to his place after school -- our missing child drama. Wasn't that nice?"

"Uh... yeah. When did he leave?"

"About a half hour ago. I was telling him this funny story about --"

Buffy was getting panicky again. "Mom, why were you hanging out with Spike? First Dawn, and now you?!"

"Dawn was here too. Buffy, what's bothering you?"

"Spike! Spike's bothering me! I don't want him getting cozy in my house and being buddies with my mom and little sister, okay? Is that so hard to understand?!"

Joyce frowned and looked at her anxiously. "Did something happen that I should know about?"

"N-no..." Buffy looked down at her shoes.

"Buffy," Joyce said, giving her the 'Mom Look'.

She sighed. "Nothing _technically_ happened... Dawn told me that Spike's... in love with me."

Joyce raised her eyebrows. "Oh my... is it true?"

"I-I don't know. I'm afraid it _could be_ true."

"How do you feel about him?"

"I hate him! He... makes me sick."

"And that's all?" Joyce asked doubtfully. Not that she'd encourage her daughter to pursue another relationship with a vampire, but Joyce suspected that Buffy had feelings for Spike that went beyond being adversaries or reluctant, occasional teammates. It wasn't healthy for anyone to repress their feelings.

"Yes! That's all."

"Buffy..." Joyce tried to think of how to phrase what she wanted to say. "You do know that it's okay for you to feel something for someone who might be totally wrong for you, don't you? It happens all the time, we --"

"No! No feelings!" Buffy shook her head rapidly. "Spike is sickening and disgusting; I could never _feel_ anything for him." 

Joyce could see that Buffy was protesting far too much, and far too vehemently. "But he has been helpful lately. He wants to help protect Dawn from Glory. He even helped you fight her at the hospital, and he didn't have to do that. That's admirable, don't you think?"

"Yeah," Buffy scoffed, "he got hit once and was out like a light for the rest of the fight. He was a _big_ help; I'm sure Glory is shaking in her Manolo Blahniks. And it's so _not_ fair that someone that evil owns shoes that awesome... Yet another reason for me to hate that bitch."

"Spike still _tried_ to help, though. That counts for something. Would you be discounting Willow or Xander's help if they'd been hurt and taken out of a fight early?"

Buffy had the decency to feel a bit guilty. Her mom was right -- it wasn't fair of her to totally disregard what Spike had _tried_ to do. _'Damn her infernal Mom Logic!'_ she thought. 

"Y-yeah, okay, he's helped... but that doesn't mean I want to date him! Spike's annoying and rude and... stupid," Buffy finished with a pout.

Joyce sighed. Her daughter wasn't in the state of mind to do any serious introspection or admit any deep-dark secrets at the moment, so Joyce would back off. "Then I suppose you should talk to him about it, and if it turns out that he does have feelings for you, you have to let him down gently."

Buffy's eyes widened, the thought of being face-to-face with him petrified her. "I can't! What if he says it's true?" Buffy put a hand over her eyes and groaned. "Oh God, I can't deal with this... Why is this happening? You think Spike's just going to let it go just because I tell him he doesn't have a snowball's chance in hell? This is the guy who's historically known for _never_ stopping until he gets what he wants. He's also infamous for killing Slayers, and torturing people with railroad spikes..."

"Well, he can't hurt you, not with the chip." If it weren't for the chip, Joyce would think twice about encouraging Buffy to talk to Spike. Joyce liked him, she could see there was a good guy under that tough vampire exterior, but he was still a vampire. It was like someone keeping a Bengal tiger as a pet -- the tiger might be gentle and love its owner, but it was still a wild animal at heart, capable of... of well, going _wild_ at the drop of a hat. But Joyce was confident that no harm would come to her daughter, at least not at Spike's hands. 

"You need to tell him that it's not going to happen, Buffy. It's the right thing to do. But... try to be nice, okay? Spike's a very emotional and surprisingly sensitive guy. When that terrible Drusilla woman broke up with him he was a mess. It still hurts to be rejected, whether you're a human or a vampire."

"I just know he'll be following me around forever... Unless I stake him..." Buffy looked up in thought.

"Buffy, you can't just stake someone because you don't like that they have feelings for you."

"Sure I can! If that someone happens to be a vampire, I'm allowed to and it's totally within my rights to dust them. In fact, it's my sacred duty!" Buffy said, seeing a ray of hope that there was a quick and easy way out of this dilemma. 

Buffy groaned and slumped at her mother's reprimanding look. "Okay, I won't stake him... geez. I wasn't serious..." Though that _would_ be a very easy solution.

Joyce gave Buffy a hug. "I know you'll do the right thing. You always do."

* * *

Spike's plans had changed rather abruptly. 

He'd been chatting with Dawn and Joyce while waiting for Buffy to get home. His need to be near the Slayer was getting stronger by the day -- he didn't know how he would be able to hide his love for her much longer. 

When he'd been casually asking around for info on the train slayings, Spike had heard about some vamps living in an abandoned building in town. Though he didn't think those were the actual vampires Buffy was looking for, he saw an opportunity to go on a stakeout with her -- some alone-time in his car, just the two of them. Maybe doing more things like that would make Buffy think of him differently...

But Spike came to the conclusion that taking Buffy on a wild goose chase was a bad idea. He was thinking with his heart and not his head -- not the _big_ head, anyway. If he buckled down and really investigated the killings, perhaps he could find the _real_ baddie or baddies, and then he could go to Buffy with solid information. She would _have_ to be impressed with him then... right?

So, with that goal in mind, Spike gave Joyce and Dawn his apologies, told them he had some detective work to do, and then he set off for the demon bars again. He'd be thorough this time and leave no stone unturned until he got a reliable lead.

 

Spike did some thinking as he drove to Willy's bar. His life had been so simple once... Everything used to be either black or white. But now, everything was drowning in sodding shades of gray. In his glory days, if he wanted something, he took it. If he was hungry, he'd have himself a happy meal. If someone pissed him off or disrespected him, he'd snap their necks. But now he had to _think_ before he took any action or said a word -- although he still rarely made the _right_ choice in what he said and did. Too impulsive for his own good, he was.

Everything Spike thought about doing had to be measured by what _she_ would think. Would Buffy be angry or sad? Would she be (dare he think it) happy, would she smile at him if he made a right choice or helped someone? Having no soul, Spike didn't know if what he _thought_ was a correct response was actually considered acceptable behavior in civilized human society. It was maddening. 

But Spike knew he had it within himself to be the kind of man Buffy deserved. He still had traces of William inside him, he just needed to learn how to tap back into that part of his psyche. It wasn't easy; Spike had shut down and buried his old self long ago out of necessity. The only quality about William he'd purposely not fought was his ability to love a woman completely and unconditionally. He really regretted being blessed/cursed with that quality sometimes, but like it or not, he was stuck with it.

He scanned the crowd as he entered Willy's bar.

The place was packed tonight, even more so than it had been earlier. His odds of finding someone who knew _something_ were better with more demons to question. Spike got some dirty looks as he walked to the bar. He was used to that; the demon community looked down on him because of his association with Buffy. He didn't let that bother him though. He met the unkind stares with steely eyes and a sneer, with the occasional backwards peace sign thrown in for good measure.

Spike smiled when he saw his friend Clem (the only demon in town he could trust even a little bit) playing darts alone. He went to the bar to get a couple beers, and then walked over to Clem.

"Can I join you, or are you just gonna play with yourself all night?" Spike asked with a smirk.

"Oh hey, Spike," Clem greeted him. He stood at the line and tried lining up his next shot. "I'm just practicing. But you can practice too." He looked at Spike. "It's just _practice_ , understand? I'm not betting anything."

"Want a frosty one?" Spike asked, holding out one of the beer bottles. 

"Hell yeah, beer me." Clem took the proffered beer.

"You still owe me a Siamese or two from last week's poker game." Spike took a swig of beer.

"Yeah, I know, but I shouldn't have to pay you. You were cheating your tight-skinned ass off."

Spike raised an eyebrow. "And you weren't cheating? I know you hide cards in the folds of skin on your arms."

Clem acted indignant. "How dare you suggest that I..." He sighed and his shoulders slumped as he quickly dropped the act. "Yeah, okay, I did. And I _still_ lost somehow. Don't go around telling people about the cards in the skin-folds thing."

"Wouldn't dream of tattling on you, mate. How 'bout this: we'll call it even if you can give me some information."

"About what?" Clem focused back on the dartboard.

"You hear about the train of dead bodies that rolled into town?"

"Yeah, sure. Everybody's heard about that."

"You know who done it?"

"Nope." Clem threw a dart, missing the center. He growled and readied his next attempt at a bullseye. "I never did get the hang of this game."

"You're holding your wrist too limp. Try firmin' it up, but don't hold it too rigid," Spike suggested.

Clem tried following Spike's instructions, but his next shot wasn't any better than the last. 

"Here, I'll show ya." Spike took a dart from Clem and faced the board. He cracked his neck from side to side, and then threw his dart -- hitting the bullseye dead-center. Spike smirked. "And _that_ is how it's done, mate."

"You suck," Clem grumbled as he elbowed Spike out of the way. "Nobody likes a showoff."

"I'm English, darts are in the genes." Spike stepped aside and sipped his beer as he watched Clem continue to struggle to make a good throw. He chuckled. "This is bleedin' tragic."

"Shut up. My claws interfere with my throws -- that's the problem," Clem said, trying to save face.

"Why don't you trim the bloody things then?"

"'Cause chicks dig the claws, man, that's why."

Spike laughed. "Ah, the price you pay for bein' beautiful." He got back to the main reason for his visit. "So, you don't know anything 'bout those recent murders?"

Clem tensed ever-so-slightly. Anyone else might not have noticed it, but Spike did. "Nope."

"You can't bluff me, I know when you've got a better hand than you're lettin' on."

"Come on, Spike... you know it ain't smart to poke your nose in other people's business. The last thing I need is someone powerful and vicious gunning for me."

"I reckon the Slayer's gonna come 'round to ask questions and do some pokin' of her own sooner or later. Wouldn't you like to tell me over a friendly practice game of darts? Or would you rather she beats the shit out of you for the info?"

"You're very persuasive..." Clem said with a sigh. He didn't want to be on the wrong side of the Slayer. He knew Spike wasn't bluffing about that -- the Slayer would come looking for someone who knew anything about the murders on the train. And the Slayer was known to enjoy extracting information with her fists. "Okay, I'll tell you what I heard and then you make sure to tell the Slayer I played ball -- and we'll still be square for the kittens I owe you, too?"

Spike nodded.

"Keep in mind that I don't know this stuff firsthand, it's just bits and pieces of things I overheard." 

"Yeah, got it. What did you hear?"

"There's a big-time vamp throwing their weight around. Could be more than one of them, I don't know for sure."

"And they just got into town?"

"Yep. Someone said something about one of them being a girl with burns on her face."

Spike's brows knit. "Burns from what?"

Clem shrugged. 

Spike ran all the older or more ambitious vampires he knew about through his mind, but there were too many possibilities to narrow it down yet. The possibility that it could be Drusilla never entered his mind -- she would never come back to Sunnydale, she hated this town with a passion. And Spike didn't think she'd go out of her way just to see him again -- Dru had made her feelings (or the lack of them) clear the last time they'd talked. "Anything else?"

"Just that the vampire or vampires in question are looking to build up a gang... and that they're staying in a mansion somewhere in town."

"You know _a lot_ more than you first let on, Clem."

"I told ya, I don't really _know_ anything. All that stuff I told you could be wrong. You know how people like to gossip about things they have no actual knowledge about."

"Well, what did you think of the blokes you heard it from? Think they knew what they were talkin' about or just blowing smoke?"

Clem paused to consider the question, then nodded. "I think they were telling the truth as they knew it. But they could've heard it through the grapevine too. Whoever it is that did those killings, they're big and bad enough to get everyone nervous."

Spike had something to go on now, and he had a hunch that at least some of the gossip would prove to be true. Clem said the culprits had moved into a mansion, and there weren't a lot of those in Sunnydale; that would be a good place to start his investigation. "I got some legwork to do. Thanks for the info, Clem. Have a few pints on me." Spike took $10 from his pocket and then tucked it into a fold of skin on Clem's arm. 

Clem smiled. "Thanks. Hey, before you go, can I ask you something?"

Spike raised his brows, then shrugged. "Yeah?"

Clem leaned in so as not to be overheard. "What's the deal with you and the Slayer?"

Spike pursed his lips. "There's no _deal_."

"Are you like her wisecracking vampire sidekick or somethin'?"

Spike growled. "No! I'm nobody's bloody _sidekick_!" He looked around, hoping no one was eavesdropping.

"Do you _like_ her?" Clem teased.

Spike had to make an effort to keep his voice down. "'Course not! I just do what I do to... stay on her good side, y'know? Make the bitch think I'm housetrained." Spike sniffed and squared his shoulders. "If I didn't have the bloody chip in my brain, the Slayer would be six feet under by now. And once I figure out how to get rid of the chip, the Slayer's ass is mine." Though not in the way Spike _wished_ her ass would belong to him.

"Yeah... I knew it couldn't be that you had the hots for her. I mean, she's one of the ugliest things I've ever seen."

Spike bit his tongue and hid his true feelings on Buffy's appearance as best he could. "Mmmhmm."

"That hideous mug of hers is the stuff of nightmares, I tell ya. And that body -- eugh!" Clem stuck out his tongue and shuddered with revulsion. "She's all out of proportion. And I've seen better heads of hair on scarecrows; it's all brittle-looking and --"

Spike couldn't hold back. He shoved Clem's shoulder and growled, "Eh! That's enough! Shut your bloody mouth 'fore I --" 

"Aha!" Clem said haughtily, pointing a clawed finger at Spike. "You _do_ like her. I knew it!" 

Spike closed his eyes and groaned. "So I have... a physical attraction to the bint, so what? Doesn't mean anything. There are plenty of birds in this town I wouldn't mind havin' a go at, not just her."

"You didn't like me talkin' smack on your _girlfriend_." Clem laughed.

"She's _not_ my bloody girlfriend."

"But... you'd like it if she was, right?"

Spike took in and then let out a calming breath. "Clem, you're one of the very few people in this world that I actually like, so I'll give you fair warning: if you keep talkin' like that and askin' me questions about her, I'm gonna string you up by your extra skin, get me a Louisville Slugger, and make like you're a bloody piñata."

Clem held his hands up. "Geez, okay, Mr. Touchy! I'll shut up. I just wanted to know what the deal was."

"You know better than to go spreadin' that around, don't you?" Spike asked, arching an eyebrow. 

"You keep my 'Aces tucked into my skin folds' secret, and I'll keep your 'liking that ugly, skinny Slayer' secret." At Spike's menacing look and growl, Clem laughed nervously. "Hey, kidding! It's called having a sense of humor, you should look into it."

* * *

Before she left for Spike's crypt, Buffy called Willow and filled her in on Spike's _alleged_ feelings for her, and asked her friend to come by to put a dis-invite on the house... just in case Dawn was right. It was a good idea even if Spike still had nothing but loathing for her. Buffy didn't like the fact that he was now just dropping in and chatting with her family. As if they were some kind of... talking buddies.

She put her jacket back on and trudged all the way to the cemetery. Buffy was so _not_ looking forward to this...

She rehearsed several different speeches on the way. None of them sounded good. First, she'd have to determine whether or not Spike really had feelings for her, and then (if he did) she'd have to 'let him down gently', as her mom had put it. Gently, but firmly. Spike had to understand and accept that they could never have a romantic relationship.

Whatever Spike felt for her, it wasn't love, she told herself again. Vampires (of the soulless variety) weren't capable of loving anyone or anything. Spike just has a weird fixation with her because she's the Slayer. And he couldn't fight her with the chip in his head, so now he wanted to... He was completely delusional if he thought there was _any_ chance she'd go to bed with him.

Buffy couldn't just ask him straight-out if he _liked_ her. If it turned out Dawn was wrong, Spike would laugh his ass off and tease Buffy mercilessly. And he'd probably go on to list all of the things about her that he found _unattractive_ , and she definitely didn't want to hear that, not with her self-esteem being trashed from getting dumped so recently. She'd have to be tricky and make him admit how he felt without asking him directly. 

Buffy stopped outside his crypt and took a deep breath. "Why can't there be an apocalypse to avert right now? Here goes nothin'..."

She uncharacteristically knocked on the crypt door instead of storming in like she usually did. When she didn't get an answer, Buffy opened the door and cautiously stepped inside. The place was empty.

"Great, he's not home... Probably out at the demon bars. I'll wait for a few minutes."

Buffy sat down on a sarcophagus. She looked around nervously, her hands joined in her lap. He could be gone for hours, and she sure as hell didn't want to sit here waiting for him any longer than necessary. 

She wondered why Spike would choose to live in a gross place like this. Yeah, he didn't have a whole lot of options since he was penniless, but he could find an abandoned house somewhere if he tried. There were always vacant houses available in Sunnydale, what with so many people 'disappearing' all the time. The crypt didn't even have a bed. 

A thought flitted through her mind, _'Where do Spike and Harmony do it? On a hard, stone sarcophagus?'_ She looked down at the sarcophagus she was sitting on.

Buffy hopped up to her feet. "Ewww." She brushed off the seat of her pants. "Standing is good. I'll stand and wait."

The thought of Spike and Harmony screwing was sickening. But then... Buffy couldn't help picturing Spike in the nude. Spike... all naked and glistening with sweat. His hard muscles bulging and straining with effort as he made love to the blonde woman (who wasn't Harmony) beneath him. The blonde woman was starting to look suspiciously like the person Buffy saw in the mirror every day... Certain parts of her traitorous anatomy began to tingle with excitement.

"Oh God, what's wrong with me?! No, no, no! No thinking about him like... _that_!" Buffy shook her head and hands rapidly, trying to shake the impure thoughts and images loose. 

She tried to explain away why she'd had a teensy little mini-fantasy about having sex with Spike. _'It's just because I've been hornier than usual, that's all. No action lately. And, according to Dawn, he's interested in me; he thinks I'm hot. And Spike's just so... sexual.'_

After she took some calming breaths and composed herself, she said aloud, "Okay, new plan: I'll patrol, and then check back here before I head for home. I'm not being avoidy... I came here and everything. Not my fault he's out for the evening." Buffy wanted to put off having that talk with Spike for as long as possible, and she needed to get out of the crypt before any more crazy daydreams popped into her head.

She opened the crypt door and gasped when she nearly ran into someone.

Drusilla was smiling, her hands behind her back. "Hello, Slayer. Surprised to see me?"

Buffy took a few steps backwards, she was indeed startled to see Spike's ex. Dru was one of the last people she would've expected to see on the other side of the door. "What are you doing back in town?" 

"I've got my reasons... which I'll tell you about very soon. I think you'll find it all quite interesting."

Buffy pushed past the shock and confusion and went into Slayer Mode. She reached into her jacket and produced a stake. She glared at Dru and raised the stake to chest-height. "Unfortunately for you, I'm not feeling chatty. We have a score to settle. You never should have come back, bitch."

Dru's smile expanded, she batted her eyelashes. "Oh heavens, you aren't going to stake me, are you? Whatever will I do?"

Buffy lunged at her, intending to finally put Drusilla out of her misery -- out of everyone's misery.

Drusilla's expression changed from amused to grave. She quickly brought her right hand out from behind her back, the hand which was holding a cattle prod, and thrust it at Buffy's chest.

Buffy didn't know what had happened. One moment she was about to plunge the stake through Dru's heart, and the next moment she felt like she was being electrocuted.

Buffy's body jittered and shook in the grips of the shock. When Dru took the cattle prod away, Buffy fell to the ground, still shaking and barely conscious. She clenched her teeth and looked up at the once again smiling vampiress. Buffy couldn't move, she couldn't even speak. 

"Naughty, naughty," Dru said in a disapproving tone, brushing her left index finger across the top of the right and towards Buffy in the classic 'shame on you' gesture. She kicked the stake from Buffy's twitching hand, making the piece of wood skitter across the floor. Then she bent over Buffy, saying, "You're not going to win this time, Slayer. It's time you were taught a lesson 'bout stealing what belongs to me. You'll finally get what's comin' to you."

With that, Dru smiled wickedly and struck Buffy with the cattle prod again, delivering shocks to the fallen Slayer until she lost consciousness.

Dru sighed happily as she stood up straight. A minion appeared behind her, standing just outside the crypt.

"Be a lamb, take her," Drusilla said over her shoulder. "And be quick about it. I don't want Spike finding out until everything's ready." She turned and patted the minion's face. "If you do well, you'll have ice cream later. With lots of sprinkles and fudge."

"Uh, cool," the minion she'd recruited as some muscle for her gang, Joshua, replied. He was tall and broad-shouldered, having played football at Sunnydale High back when he was mortal. Joshua was only a few months old and not terribly smart (either before or after his turning), but he wasn't so dumb that he didn't know what a great opportunity it would be to work for Drusilla when she'd breezed into town and started looking for 'helpers'; he'd jumped at the chance to be Dru's underling. The opportunity to work for a legendary Master vamp like her was an honor, he'd be getting invaluable on-the-job training and experience, and if he could help her kill the Slayer, so much the better! Plus, he thought Drusilla was hot, even with burns on her face and chest.

He picked up the unconscious Slayer, surprised at how light the girl was. It seemed weird that such a powerful creature like the Slayer was light as a feather. He waved another minion off that offered to help him carry the blonde. He effortlessly slung Buffy over his shoulder in a fireman's carry.

"Mistress..." Dru had told them to call her that. "How come you just don't kill her now? I mean, I saw enough movies to know that you gotta kill the enemy right away or they usually get free and come after you. Let's rip her neck out right now -- c'mon, it'll be fun!"

"You're questioning my methods?" Dru asked, her eyes flashing gold. She handed off the cattle prod to another minion standing by her side.

"I, uh, no... You're really smart. You know what you're doing, you probably have a great plan." He gulped, seeing his unlife flashing before his eyes.

Then Drusilla smiled again, making him relax slightly. "I do have a plan, dear. A good plan. I want to play with her a bit 'fore I snuff out her flame. The Slayer has earned a world of pain, not a quick, merciful exit. Now, hurry and take her to the van. Chop, chop." She clapped her hands sharply twice.

Dru led the way to the black van she had waiting outside the cemetery gates, skipping and giggling with glee. And then it was a speedy journey to the place where Buffy would spend her final hours. 

Everything was falling into place. Buffy needed to be secured, and then Dru could focus on the other part of her plan, the reunion with Spike. After the dreadful mess with Angel in L.A., Drusilla realized that she needed to be with Spike; she'd been too shortsighted when she'd left him. She'd missed him so much and she still loved him, she'd never stopped loving or wanting him. No other man she'd been with could fulfill all her needs like Spike could. She had to have him back. She wanted their happy little family back together again. The mere thought filled her with unbridled joy: Grandmummy Darla, Sweet William, and Daddy Angelus with her again, making Dru's world complete and happy once more. It would be a dream come true if the four of them could kiss and make up. 

Things had gone so horribly wrong the last time Dru was in Sunnydale. But Spike wasn't to blame for everything that had happened. It was Buffy -- she'd somehow bewitched Spike. Everything was Buffy's fault. And the Slayer would pay dearly for putting a wedge between Dru and her beautiful, darling Spike.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Spike ran back to his car and jumped inside, slamming the door closed behind him. He looked back the way he'd come, checking to see if he was being pursued. But, luckily, no one was following him.

"Bloody rich bastards and their guard dogs... Have to get a packet of hotdogs before goin' to the next house," he muttered. A few Dobermans had objected strongly to Spike sneaking around their masters' property and peering in windows.

His search of mansions hadn't turned up anything but ordinary humans (and some very brassed off dogs) so far. This neighborhood was clean as far as vampire activity was concerned. Time to move on to search the next area. And it was a good idea to make himself scarce around here, just in case one of the mansion owners noticed him lurking or the dogs barking and called the cops. There weren't too many mansions in town, but there were large houses that _might_ qualify as mansions, thus, Spike had expanded his search to include those, as well. It was going to take a few days to check out all of them unless he got lucky and stumbled across the right one. His gut told him that Clem's info about the vamp/vamps being holed up in a mansion was correct, so he'd keep at it.

Spike started up the DeSoto and headed to his next destination. A small detour to the market to nick some hotdogs really would be a wise move before he continued his search. 

He glanced at the big, fancy houses as he drove by them. An evil smirk curled up on his lips as he imagined himself coming back some night and robbing the rich wankers blind. But then his smile faded as he imagined what Buffy would say and do if she found out he'd robbed people's houses... She would be very displeased, to say the least. Well, there was also the little detail that he'd have to be _invited_ into a home first before he could loot it. He couldn't just waltz into any house at random; the limitations that went along with being a vampire really sucked sometimes. 

Nevertheless, robbing (even rich people, who had so much money that they could wipe their asses with it) was the sort of bad instinct Spike had to try curbing if he wanted to stay on Buffy's good side. He wanted to change, to be the kind of man the Slayer would...

Spike sighed, gripping the steering wheel tighter for a moment. The kind of man the Slayer would... what? Did he really think, in his wildest dreams, that Buffy would ever consider him a... Well, just _consider_ him. No, Spike didn't really believe he could ever have a shot at being with Buffy. But, if he continued trying to better himself, helped protect the non-Slayer members of the Summers clan, and be there for Buffy when she needed him for anything... Then maybe they could have _something_. The odds of them ever being lovers were a million-to-one, but maybe a friendship based on mutual respect would be... 

Spike grimaced and growled softly, hating the thought of having to settle for being 'talking buddies'. But... if that's all they could ever be... he'd take it. It would be wonderful (as well as a bloody miracle) if Buffy craved him as much as he craved her, but getting some respect and a smile now and then would be alright. Anything would be preferable to the woman he loved treating him like a leper. She always looked so annoyed when she saw him... Well, of course she's annoyed -- Buffy had wanted him gone from Sunnydale for ages. 

"Things are gonna change," Spike said to himself as he drove. "I'll prove to her she can count on me. I'm not an ass, I'm an _asset_."

* * *

Buffy groaned as she came to. For a few moments she couldn't remember why she felt so sick and shaky. Then it came back to her, Drusilla had shocked her with a cattle prod. Her eyes snapped open and she looked around.

She appeared to be in the mansion on Crawford Street. The same place Angelus, Spike and Drusilla had once called home, and where Angel had made a much warmer, cozier home after he'd come back from Hell. There were lots of good and bad times spent in the mansion over the last few years.

Buffy quickly discovered that her wrists and ankles were shackled, she was chained in an archway facing the main room in which Acathla once stood. 

"Oh goody, you're awake!" Dru said, coming into the room. "No more waiting."

"Let me go!" Buffy seethed.

"Oh, no, Slayer. You're just the way I want you."

"Did... Spike help you do this? Is he here?" Buffy didn't know why she should feel such... disappointment (and even hurt) that Spike could be involved in capturing her. She shouldn't be surprised that he'd try to kill her again once he had the means. Buffy had started thinking of him as being on her side, but maybe that had been a mistake. She'd begun to rely on him more lately to help protect Dawn, and she took for granted that he'd be available to lend a hand, should she need any additional help. She'd thought he genuinely cared about her family, at least a little. It seemed that Dawn was dead wrong about him being in love with her.

"Would it trouble you if Spike helped do this to you?" Dru asked, the corner of her mouth twitching into an almost smile.

"Where is he?" Buffy thought she had a better chance of reasoning with Spike than Dru. "Spike! Where are you?!" she called, looking to the doorways and hoping to see him emerge.

Drusilla laughed. "Don't waste your breath, he's not here, Slayer. Spike doesn't know about this yet, it's a surprise." She put a finger to her lips and said, "Shhh! Don't tell! He doesn't even know I'm back in Sunnydale yet. I'll go to him soon. I've got business with you first... So nice when we can combine business _and_ pleasure, innit?"

Buffy was relieved that Spike wasn't involved in this. But that also meant that she had to deal with the insane and evil Drusilla alone. "Zapping me and chaining me up was all your idea, huh? I'm impressed, I thought all you could do on your own was dress your creepy dolls."

Dru looked at her with an evil glint in her eye. "I did in that other Slayer, didn't I? Did it all on my own, too. She didn't even fight once I got her under my spell, then it was so easy to slit her throat like the pig that she was. I do regret that I didn't have time to sink my teeth in and drain her dry." Dru sighed dramatically. "But I was on a tight schedule; Angel was _very_ insistent that I make quick work of her and your other friends while he kept you busy."

Buffy rattled her chains, giving Dru a murderous glare. "Shut up, bitch!" Bringing up Angel's name and his role in that ugliness added insult to injury; Buffy hated even thinking about it.

"I'm going to kill you, Slayer. I'm going to finish what me and Spike started all those years ago. Put an end to you and your wicked ways. Spike was gonna kill you for me... but it all went wrong... there was gonna be a party with streamers and songs... he promised..." Dru looked up at the ceiling with a faraway look in her eyes.

Buffy thought that if Dru just wanted to kill her, she would have done so already. There was more to it; Dru wanted something from her. The mention of Kendra's murder had gotten to Buffy for a minute, but she couldn't let Dru get her flustered, she had to stay calm. "You've both tried to kill me several times and you haven't succeeded yet. What makes you think this time will be any different?"

"This time you won't be able to wiggle out of the trap, the metal teeth have bitten down on your leg and will hold you tight." Dru spread her fingers on both hands, put the base of her palms together, and then clamped them together quickly, mimicking a bear trap snapping shut.

"The visual aids really help, thanks," Buffy said dryly.

"Fitting it should end here, don't you think?" Drusilla spread her arms out to encompass the room. "This is where you made your plans."

"My plans? What plans?" Buffy's brows knit. She didn't know if she should be trying to make sense out of everything Drusilla said or not. Maybe it was all just crazy-talk and would end up making her crazy too if she listened to enough of it.

"First you wormed your way into Angel's heart, but that wasn't enough for you. Oh no, not nearly enough. You made your fiendish plans to take my Spike from me. You seduced him to do your will."

"Hey, I didn't _seduce_ anybody! Spike came to _me_ with a basic plan to stop Angelus, not the other way around. Both of us wanted to stop Angelus for our own reasons, that's all it was -- a sort of... business arrangement. One of his conditions was that I wouldn't stake _you_ while I was at it... I'm totally regretting agreeing to that part right about now."

"You took my boys away. So quiet, so lonely without my big, strong, deadly men." Dru muttered something unintelligible, whining pitifully.

Buffy stayed quiet for the moment, subtly testing her chains and thinking, _'The chains must be magically strengthened -- I can't break them. How am I going to get away from this loony? Please let someone have noticed I'm missing...'_ She had no idea how much time had passed since she'd gone to Spike's place, but she hoped the Scooby cavalry would come riding to her rescue, and the sooner the better.

"Angel... and then my beautiful Spike. You stole them from me -- stole my family away, you did." Drusilla closed her eyes and swayed on her feet, lost momentarily in a memory. "They would sing pretty songs and love me from sundown 'til sunup." She stopped swaying abruptly, her eyes were golden when she opened them again. She snarled, her upper lip twitched over her fangs. "You ruined everything. The music hadn't stopped, but you took my chair away." 

"I... didn't do anything. I don't even like Spike!"

Drusilla rushed her and slapped her across the face fiercely, making sure to slice Buffy's cheek with her razor-sharp, painted nails. "Liar!"

"Back off, you crazy bitch! I'm so going to dust your skinny ass when I get free!" Buffy yanked hard on her chains; but they weren't going to break. Buffy tried kicking Dru, but there wasn't enough slack in the chain.

"Aww, were you tryin' to kick me just then?" Dru pouted in mock-sympathy. "Poor Slayer, you have no way to defend yourself, do you? So sad and distressing... for you. But it's wonderful from where I stand, to see you like this, all chained and helpless..." Dru shuddered with pleasure.

“Run and catch, run and catch, the lamb is caught in the blackberry patch,” Dru suddenly started singing, closing her eyes and twirling in place.

Buffy regarded her with a mixture of revulsion, hatred, and fear. Buffy tried keeping the panic and fear at bay, she knew how vamps got off on it when their prey felt fear, but it wasn't easy to stay frosty in her current predicament. 

Dru opened her eyes again and smiled, her fangs glistening in the light. "Hmm, now what were we talkin' about? I got lost in the lovely pictures... Oh yes, now I remember! You want Spike, you lust for him... you _love_ him," Drusilla accused, pointing a finger at Buffy's chest.

"That couldn't be _less_ true!" Buffy insisted. She was taken aback that Drusilla could actually think she loved Spike. "You can have him all to yourself, I don't give a shit! I'll put you both in the same ashtray! I'm sure you'll be very happy together!"

"You know I have the gift of second sight, Slayer. There's no use makin' up stories. I can see through you..." She wriggled her fingers at Buffy's face. "I can see your guts and goblins, blood and wishes. Your thoughts are like an open book to me… it’s quite a sad story, really... poor Slayer – in love with a vampire, but you’ll never have him now. I love stories that end tragically, don’t you?"

Buffy ignored Dru’s ramblings and tried to convince her again that she had no interest in Spike. "I'm not lying! I have no interest in Spike, whatsoever! Your second sight needs to make an appointment with the optometrist -- you couldn't be _more_ wrong."

Dru shook her head slowly and clucked her tongue. "Didn' your mummy teach you s'not nice to tell tales... s'not smart, either. You're only making me very cross with you."

Buffy groaned, squeezing her eyes shut for a moment. "I'm _not_ lying," she told her emphatically.

Dru hissed and slapped Buffy's other cheek, scratching it as she'd done the other. 

Buffy grit her teeth and glowered at the crazy vampiress, blood was now trickling down both sides of her face. "It doesn't matter how much you smack me around and claw me, my answer isn't going to change."

Dru looked at Buffy and tilted her head. "You're denyin' it..."

"Hell yes, I'm denying it! I don't love or lust or feel anything but annoyance for Spike. I wish he'd just go away!"

"No, you're denying it to _yourself_. Just like he did. I told him I knew he loved you... I saw you hoverin', floating all around him and fogging his mind like a poisonous cloud."

"S-Spike doesn't love me! If he wasn't chipped he would've kept coming after me until one of us was dead!" She thought, _'Oh God, now *Drusilla* is saying Spike's in love with me?! What is this, a damn conspiracy?!'_

Drusilla ignored her. "You made my delicious William taste like ashes. He said no, no, no, denied, denied, denied. But you can't hide from me, Slayer. You can't lie to those who _see_. You can't want them without the shiny, crinkly soul, can you? Can't let yourself see it, can't permit yourself to feel it. Because it's _wrong_." She grinned and giggled. "Such a sad, joyless little life you lead. You should be grateful to me for puttin' an end to it."

"I know this is stating the obvious, but you're completely nuts."

"I know the truth..." Dru touched a finger to Buffy's forehead, making the blonde flinch. "It's in your head. Buzz, buzz... buzz, buzz, the fireflies say. Shall I open up your head and scoop it out? I'll let all the humming fireflies out and they can tell you themselves. Such a festive candy dish your skull will make."

"What do you want from me?" Buffy didn't know how long she could stand to listen to Drusilla's insane ramblings and threats.

Dru straightened up, looking more lucidly menacing. It was in these moments when Buffy thought Dru was the most frightening, when the crazy was combined with a Hannibal Lector-like intelligence and poise. "I want you to die. I want to make your body cold and lifeless. I want to remove your vile presence from this world. You should be moldering in your grave by now, with the maggots and worms makin' snug homes in your entrails." Dru started humming a song.

"Yeah? Look who's talking. At least I should've only been dead for a few years by now, thanks to The Master, but you're more than a hundred past your expiration date."

Dru startled Buffy by breaking into song, dancing and twirling:

"The worms crawl in, the worms crawl out,  
The worms play pinochle on your snout  
They eat your eyes, they eat your nose,  
They eat the jelly between your toes"

Buffy just watched Drusilla sing and spin around the room. _'Holy shit... I think she's gotten even more mental than she was last time she was in town...'_ Buffy remembered that rhyme from when she was a kid, but having it performed by an evil, insane bitch, added a whole new layer of creepy.

Dru finally stopped, laughing and wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. "Oh, what a fun little song that is! You want to sing it with me, Slayer? I can start another verse."

"No thanks, I'll pass. You go on though, sing your heart out." Buffy figured that if Dru was busy singing and dancing, she wouldn't be hurting her. So, as _unsettling_ as it was to see mental illness on parade, it was better than being abused and it bought Buffy a little more time.

Dru strolled back toward Buffy. "Rest assured, you _will_ die before the merry-go-round stops tonight, but I also want you to suffer -- suffer for all the pain you've caused. How much you suffer will depend on how nice you play. You know what I want most of all, Slayer?"

"No, but if I begged you, would you tell me?" Buffy said with extreme sarcasm.

Drusilla ignored Buffy's quip. "I want what you stole from me. My beautiful boys."

"They're not _mine_ to give. But why don't you go ahead and find them... have a tea party or whatever the hell it is you did back in the bad old days."

Drusilla giggled. "You want to know what we did together back then, when everything was warm and blossoming?"

Buffy shook her head. "No. No, I definitely do _not_ want to know."

Drusilla smiled dreamily, swaying again, with her hands over her heart. "The boys would fight over me, not wanting to share their meal. Makes a girl feel so special. Their teeth and bodies bared, growling and biting, glowing an' glistening. I let them tussle and wrestle for a bit, watching them and getting so wet. Such lovely muscles they have... and great big cocks dangling between their thighs. All for their dark princess. I'd say, 'You mustn't fight so, my handsome, hungry loves. Dru has more than one warm, wet hole for both of you to fill again and again'."

Buffy's face was screwed up in disgust. "I believe I said I DIDN'T want to know!"

Dru was in her own little world, not acknowledging Buffy's protest. "And they would, again and again." She closed her eyes and ran her hands slowly down her body, moaning, and getting lost in the beautiful memory as she talked. "One at my mouth and one in my cunt. One in my cunt and another in my ass. They'd hunch and grunt and sweat, shoving me onto the other with hard, brutal thrusts. And sometimes Grandmummy would join us and we'd take turns being --" 

Buffy shouted, "Shut up! Eugh! God, I don't want to hear this disgusting shit! Why don't you just go get laid and leave me alone!" 

Picturing a wild threesome featuring Dru, Angel and Spike made Buffy sick. However... if _she_ were the meat in that hot vampire sandwich... She had to shake the images out of her head, getting turned on, even a little, wasn't smart right now. Buffy had never thought about having sex with more than one man at a time -- until now. Spike was light and slim, Angel was dark and broad, both of them so beautiful in their own ways. And then Angel was cut out of the picture. It was just her and Spike. Spike with those sharp cheekbones, and azure eyes that seemed as though they could see right through any walls she put up around herself. The seemingly effortless ways he oozed sex appeal: a slow blink of his eyes, a pursing of his lips, a poking of his tongue, a head tilt, the way he smiled, the way he strutted into a room like he owned the place, full of swagger and bursting with sexuality. He was the kind of man that women saw and began immediately picturing what their panties would look like discarded on his bedroom floor. He really was a sexy undead bastard... 

_'Whoa, whoa, whoa! I was doing it again! Thinking of Spike in sexy ways... is bad. So bad.'_ It had to be lingering memories and feelings from the time they'd been 'engaged'. They'd done a lot of smooching and touching... and though she'd never admit it, he was a fantastic kisser... and his hands had felt so good on her body. Under the effects of the spell, Buffy had wanted him _so_ bad, she'd loved him so much and wanted nothing more than to consummate their love on their wedding night... And now she couldn't stop the thought from forming, _'I bet he's very passionate in bed... insatiable...'_

Dru stopped dancing and leveled a gaze at her. "You'll never have it so good, dear Slayer. Never. I'll make sure of that. I see you dancing with him in your head. You want to play with my Spike's lovely cock."

Buffy spluttered. "I-I do NOT!" Her face flushed even more than it usually would at such an accusation, because her thoughts _had_ been naughty.

Dru wagged a finger at her. "Yes, you do. Now, no more porkies, Slayer, or you'll have no cakes and pomegranates."

"I don't want to play with his co-- with anything of his! If I _pictured_ anything, it was involuntary, because you keep talking about it!" Buffy assumed 'porkies' was British slang for 'lies' (and didn't refer to the teenage sex romp movies of the 1980s), but she was too flustered to ask for a definition. Why couldn't English people just speak English?

"My Angelus is lost to me... that wretched bloody soul won't let him play anymore. Though, that may change soon, with Darla and Spike's help." Dru held up her hands and crossed her fingers.

Buffy frowned, not knowing what Dru was talking about. _'Darla? She's been dead-dead for years now, Angel staked her, I saw it...'_ Was it just more of Dru's crazy-talk? By the sounds of it, Dru had some kind of evil plan involving Angel too; Buffy had to warn him. She had to escape with her _own_ life first, in order to do that, though... Buffy started to ask, "What do you --"

Drusilla talked over her. "Angelus can be my Daddy again, but Spike... he'll always be my love, my heart. My childe, my lover, my all. My sweet, pretty Spike. I chose him that night, I could've had any man I wanted, but I chose _him_ as my mate. And I can have him back -- back in my life, back at my side, back in my bed. And he can do all those naughty, delicious things to me like only he can." She hugged herself, smiling at the thought of being with Spike again. "It can be the way it used to be... before _you_ mucked everything up."

"Yeah, good, stop trying to make me puke and go find him." It would be a very good thing if Dru left her alone, she could try escaping in earnest. It would also be a good thing (she hoped) if Dru brought Spike back with her. Maybe he really did care and would stop Dru from hurting her, going against his Sire, the woman he'd loved for over a hundred years, for Buffy: the woman whom he (allegedly) had _just_ fallen in love with, the woman who consistently treated him like crap and punched him with very little provocation... Buffy was feeling less encouraged now that she thought about it that way.

"He'll be so happy to see me. I can almost see his bright smile at seeing me again. He can prove his everlasting love for me by helping me chop you into messes."

"I thought you said he was in love with me? Now you're saying he loves you? Which is it?" Buffy hoped to throw Drusilla off by pointing out flaws. She didn't know if it would work or not, but at least it would feel good to confuse the crazy bitch.

Drusilla shook her head with a sigh. "It's possible to love more than one person at the same time, you miserable little creature. I loved both Spike and Angel. But Spike's the one I want. Spike has such a spacious heart, so much room for love. He still loves his black goddess."

"You think he's just gonna run into your arms, huh?" Buffy asked, raising her brows skeptically. "Do you have any idea, or even care, how broken he was when you dumped him? You hurt him real bad, Drusilla. I think you'll have to do some intense groveling." Buffy wasn't sure if that was true. Spike was hung up on Dru, he might just take her back with no questions asked. Love's Bitch, that's what he'd called himself once.

"Sweet William will know how much I love him when he sees what I'm going to do to you for him, for _us_. You'll be bowed and bleeding, strung up like a funny marionette. In the end, there won't be anything left of you for him to be in love with. And then I'll sink to my knees, rip open his trousers, and swallow his massive cock, taking it in deep, just the way he likes. He'll see how much I still love him." 

"I think that last part would do it -- you don't even need to do anything to me." 

"Oh, your agonizing death is the grand centerpiece on the table. Forks go on the left, spoons and knives on the right. And then we'll dance and dance and dance." Dru started twirling around the room again with a maniac's smile on her face. "My Spike will sweep me off my feet and we'll spin and twirl. If only Angelus and Grandmummy could join us, we'd be a whole, happy, perfect family again."

"You don't have a chance in hell of getting _Angel_ to join you. And I don't think Spike will want you back either. Face it, no one wants your crazy ass." After Buffy said that, she thought it wasn't the smartest thing to say. She wanted to push Dru into making some kind of mistake, but enraging her probably wasn't a good idea, at least not while Buffy was still chained and defenseless.

"You took Angel and Spike's hearts." She grinned that insane, scary grin. "So I'll take yours. Tit for tat. It's poetic, my William will enjoy that. Such a sweet poet, always talking of love, destiny, and eternity. Your heart will still be hot and quivering when I feast on it. I'll eat it like a hand fruit and let the juices dribble down my chin. And I'll share it with Spike. Our bond will be renewed over your ripped and torn body."

Dru reached a finger out, wiped at the blood running down Buffy’s cheek and moaned with delight as she sucked it into her mouth. “When your Slayer blood flows in rivers down his throat … only then will he be able to stop loving you – only then will I have my deadly boy back." 

Buffy swallowed nervously. "Look, I don't know what you're talking about. Spike does not love me, and I sure as hell don't love him."

Buffy flinched back when Dru growled and snapped her jaws at her. 

"Bad doggie is still telling tales. I did warn you about that..." She hummed and went to a table that Buffy only now noticed had several shiny knives and other nasty looking implements laid out on its surface. Dru kept humming and waving her hand slowly above the table. "The right tool will speak to me. The one meant to cut you into pretty, red ribbons will tell me."

Buffy tried thinking fast to distract Dru and delay her long enough for some kind of escape or rescue plan to take shape. "You know that Spike was chipped, don't you? Do you know what that means? He won't be able to hunt or kill or even hurt a human. He's not the same Spike anymore -- he can never be your deadly boy again." And she realized that that was true now that she'd said it out loud. Spike had changed because of the chip, it had forced him to change his ways. Not just the big changes (such as not killing humans), but very subtle changes (such as Spike seeming honestly concerned about her sister's safety). Maybe being in love with Buffy was helping him change for the better...? Or maybe all that was just an act to make her _think_ he'd changed so he could catch her off-guard? Buffy didn't know what to think anymore. Spike didn't have a soul... he wasn't capable of love, right?

To Buffy's relief, Dru did forget her current task of selecting a cutting tool. She looked at Buffy, pouting. "Yes, I know what the bad soldiers did to my Spike. I saw it, I felt his anguish and pain from across the ocean. I shall be very cross with the soldiers if I ever meet one. Putting a leash on a magnificent, primal beast is so cruel."

"You want him back, you want it to be like the old days, right? How do you plan to do that when he can't kill people? And that includes me. Spike won't be able to cause me any harm, so he can't join in the fun with you."

"Oh, don't worry 'bout that, Slayer." She smiled wide. "There are ways 'round that."

Buffy wondered why Drusilla seemed so confident about that. "If there were ways around it, Spike would've found them."

"He didn't have his black goddess to light the way. The chip is nothing, just bits of plastic and metal. I can make my Spike feel like he's floating on a cloud, no pain, no shocks." As she'd talked, Dru had started swaying and waved her hand under her eyes.

Buffy thought she understood now: Dru was saying she could hypnotize Spike into not feeling the pain from the chip -- and it chilled Buffy to think she might be right. 

"You know, you've mentioned Angel a lot. Maybe you should decide which one of them you really want before you try getting Spike back. He was pissed off at how you kept throwing yourself at Angel like a giant ho."

"I have made my decision. It's Spike, it was always Spike. Angelus made me part of his family, but _I_ chose my William. He's mine, forever and always. He'll take me back, just you wait an' see."

"I don't _care_! You can have him... if he'll have you, that is."

"Enough talk. The only thing I want to hear coming out of your mouth are screams of agony." Dru went back to waving her hand over the table of sharp instruments. "You're in for a treat, Slayer. I learned at the right hand of Angelus: a true master in the art of torture. Did he ever tell you what he did to my mum?"

"You... don't want to do this, Drusilla." Buffy was getting more afraid, she didn't know how to continue to stall or stop Dru from doing horrible things to her.

She looked at Buffy and tilted her head, looking genuinely puzzled. "I don't? Why on earth not?"

"Because... Because if Spike really is in love with me, he'll be angry that you hurt me."

Dru smiled and shrugged. "He'll get over it." She picked up a scalpel, turned to Buffy and grinned. "You won't. Let's get started, shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know (in season 5 of AtS) that it was said the Fanged Four never had _concurrent_ relations with each other, but I don't buy that lol I believe three or four of them had some very wild times together, concurrently, and that's what I'm going with *thumbs nose at canon* :P


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks and sloppy kisses to my awesome beta Passion4Spike for her wonderful ideas and suggestions! She came up with some great Dru dialogue. And she put together a YouTube song vid just for me, which I link to in this chapter ^_^ Love ya, P4S! 
> 
> By the by, she's writing an amazing series called 'Unexpected' that every Spuffy fan should check out. Here's the link at The Spuffy Realm: http://spikeluver.com/SpuffyRealm/viewstory.php?sid=36700&warning=NC-17
> 
> You'll love it! =D
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Drusilla had started by cutting Buffy's jacket and shirt off of her, leaving the Slayer wearing a white bra and jeans. The whole situation frightened Buffy, but Dru cutting her clothes off was scary for altogether different reasons. She hoped Dru didn't have something more in mind that required Buffy to be naked.

When she'd found the nerve to ask why Dru cut her shirt off, Dru replied, "I need a proper canvas."

And then Dru had begun to use the knives on Buffy's skin. Buffy had yelled and thrashed around, trying to either break the chains or just make it harder for Drusilla to hit a moving target. But she found out that it just made Dru angrier. She got several blows to the face and torso when she wouldn't keep still, followed by more vicious slashing of her body with a sharp knife. 

Buffy tried keeping herself sane during the torture by thinking she _would_ get out of this seemingly impossible situation. And when she did, Drusilla would be so very sorry – she had to focus on something other than the pain or risk completely losing her mind, so she kept trying to conjure images in her mind of ways to get even with Dru and eventually dust her.

Buffy wasn't mortally wounded, Drusilla had given her mostly quick, shallow slashes instead of deep stabs. Dru had used the finer instruments to draw pictures on Buffy's back and stomach. The picture she was drawing (cutting) on Buffy's stomach was of two smiling stick figures with fangs, holding hands under a crescent moon. Dru wanted to add two more figures to represent Angelus and Darla, then it would be perfect – her family would be together again, drawn in the blood of the Slayer that had broken them apart.

While Drusilla was busy with Buffy, minions had come in and wandered around the room to set up decorations for the party. They were warned beforehand not to disturb Dru while she worked. It was difficult for the young vampires not to simply stare and enjoy the sight of the Slayer being beaten and slashed by their Master, but they'd been warned to keep at their tasks and not gawk. And they sure as hell didn't want to anger Dru.

A banner reading, "Welcome Back, Spike!" had been erected over an archway opposite from where Buffy was currently chained. There were multi-colored helium balloons, party favors and hats, and streamers ready to be placed throughout the main room.

Drusilla had ordered her minions to run many errands for her in preparation for the party. In addition to cleaning out the party supply stores in town, they'd also retrieved Miss Edith from the train. Miss Edith was very cross at being forgotten. So as a treat, Dru removed the blindfold from the doll and sat her in a good place so she could watch Buffy being tortured and eventually die.

Dru was kneeling on a satin pillow in front of Buffy as she "drew" her picture. She smiled and turned her head to where her favorite doll sat. "Isn't this nice, Miss Edith? You like it?" She giggled. "Ah, I knew you would. You forgive me for leaving you on the train?" She paused, as if the doll were speaking to her. Then she laughed. "Oh yes, I'm eager for that, too! Soon, Miss Edith, very soon."

"Mistress," Joshua interrupted, "it's been --"

Drusilla jumped to her feet and yelled, "I told you not bother me while I'm creating!" The minions helping decorate the room stopped and looked at her nervously, afraid she'd kill one of them in her fit of anger. “Why must you always defy me!?” She held up the knife and made frenzied slashing motions in the air with it.

Joshua swallowed. "But... you said to tell you when two hours had passed..."

Dru's enraged, criminally insane look changed instantly into a bashful smile. She giggled girlishly. "Oh yes, I did tell you that, didn't I? I knew I'd get all caught up in my happy work. Yes, I think that's enough for now; she's nearly ready to be presented to Spike."

The minions went back to work, thankful that Dru's temper tantrum had passed for the moment. Some of them had been around in the days when Spike and Dru had first come to town, and as hard as it was to believe, Dru was much more dangerous and unpredictable without Spike’s presence. Spike had often kept Dru from killing or maiming minions outright or going into a frenzy. It would be good for the Mistress (as well as those around her) to have Spike back.

Drusilla stepped back to admire her work, beaming. 

Buffy closed her eyes, grateful that it seemed her torture would stop -- or at least be put on hold. She didn’t know how much more of this she could take without going insane.

Dru nodded appreciatively; Buffy was bleeding nicely, and the family portrait had turned out well. Flesh was a very difficult medium to work in. The Slayer's screams of indignation and pain had been sweet music to Dru's ears.

Drusilla licked blood from the knife, then placed it back on the table, stopping the fun for now. She also licked her fingers clean, not wanting to let the delicious Slayer blood go to waste. "You don't mind if we continue this later, do you, Slayer?"

Buffy groaned quietly, relieved that she'd be getting a short reprieve. She'd been in a lot more pain in the past than she was right now, but it was harder to manage with the additional emotional turmoil. 

Dru would have been quite happy and content to keep torturing Buffy, but she had to go see Spike. All this merriment and bloodletting had her feeling nostalgic and missing Spike more. She wanted to be sharing this with him. She sighed wistfully at remembering him giving her a taste of that Boxer Rebellion Slayer's blood. Mmmm, so tasty. And he'd been so right about it being an aphrodisiac. They'd had an epic shag after that. No other lover could compare to her wonderful Spike. He could be so rough and animalistic, but he could also be so gentle and loving. He was everything a girl could want, and all wrapped up in a pretty package.

Dru pulled herself from the sweet memories, she didn't have time to daydream. "Hasn't it been fun so far? Just like a day at the fair, innit?" she asked the glassy-eyed Buffy.

Buffy groaned again, hanging limply in her chains and bleeding from dozens of cuts on her upper body and arms. "Fuck you!" she spat.

Dru trilled laughter. "You kiss your mum with that mouth? Good girls aren't s'posed to talk like sailors. Miss Edith does not approve of that sort of language, I might have to wash your mouth out with soap. You have to take your medicine, Slayer. You have to pay a price for taking my Spike away."

Buffy felt so worn down, but she mustered up the energy to yell, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't want Spike?!"

"Still stuck on that lie, are you?" Dru tsk'ed and shook her head. "You're a slow learner, Slayer. Maybe I can spare a few more moments to play with you a bit more...” She walked back over to Buffy and stared at her.

Buffy wanted to beg her not to hurt her any more, but she'd be damned before she begged Drusilla for anything. It wasn't as if any plea for mercy would be effective anyway. Buffy clenched her jaw and stared defiantly back at Dru.

"Why are you just staring at me?" Buffy asked after the staring contest had gone on for thirty seconds without anything happening. "You think you can break me? Guess again, bitch! It takes a lot more than --”

Drusilla simply said, "Look at me."

Buffy didn't understand what Dru was getting at for a few seconds. She was already looking at her, so why... Then she realized what Dru was trying to do. 

Buffy closed her eyes and turned her face away. "No!" Giles had told her (an edited version) of how Dru had hypnotized him when he'd been Angelus' captive. Buffy didn't want her mind messed with like that. It was bad enough that the crazy vampire beat her up and cut her body, she wasn’t going to let her into her mind too.

"I said, look at me!" Drusilla growled, putting her hands on the sides of Buffy’s head and forcing her face forward. Buffy kept her eyes tightly shut. "Open your eyes or I'll slice the lids off."

Buffy reluctantly opened her eyes as bile rose in her throat at the thought of having her eyelids sliced off... and Dru was just crazy enough to do it. She was determined not to let Drusilla's hypno powers work on her. But that determination was crushed almost instantly. 

"Be in my eyes... be in me," Dru said in a soft, melodious voice. She extended two fingers and waved them, first under her own eyes, and then under Buffy's.

Dru's big brown eyes looked bigger than usual to Buffy. The world melted away, everything except those deep, luminous eyes that were pulling her into them. The pain and panic faded to almost nothing, there was only a peaceful, warm feeling. Buffy unconsciously swayed along with Dru, mirroring her movements, like a cobra under the spell of a snake charmer.

Buffy suddenly felt extremely tired, she couldn't hold her eyes open. She closed her eyes and her head drooped.

Drusilla placed her hand on the crown of Buffy's head. "See with your heart. See what your heart wants..."

* * *

When Buffy opened her eyes again, lifted her head and looked around, she was alone.

"...the hell?" Buffy couldn't figure out where everyone went -- it seemed like she'd only shut her eyes for a moment. Drusilla had been doing something right before Buffy passed out... but she couldn't remember what it was now.

"Buffy."

Her head whipped to the side to see Spike standing casually in the entryway, leaning with his shoulder against the wall and his thumbs hooked into his belt. She couldn't see his face very well, he was still partially shrouded in the shadows, but it was definitely Spike.

She swallowed anxiously. "Spike... Where did everyone go? You have to help me get out of here before they come back!"

"You don't have to worry about any of them," Spike said, smiling slightly as he walked further into the room.

"Before I go into a 'thank goodness you've come' speech, tell me... are you here to help me escape, or are you here to help Drusilla kill me?" Buffy hoped this nightmare wouldn't get any worse by Spike joining Dru in the 'fun'.

"You know I wouldn't let her kill you, Buffy."

"Do I?" Buffy was feeling so strange, and it wasn't just the disorientation of nodding off and then waking up abruptly. Spike had a sort of glow about him; he looked so handsome and gallant. And he'd actually saved her life -- which meant that he really must care for her. She was feeling kinda swoony, truth be told. "Can you get these chains off of me?" she asked, looking up at her manacled wrists.

Spike stepped up to her and reached up with a key in his hand, undoing one cuff and then the other. Buffy started sinking to the floor, but Spike grabbed her around the waist and held her against his body with strong arms. Buffy held onto his shoulders, giving him a small, grateful smile.

Spike bent down and freed her ankles while Buffy leaned on him to keep her balance. "Are you badly hurt?" he asked, glancing up at her. "Need to go to the hospital?"

"I... I don't think so." Buffy looked down at her stomach, seeing Dru's handiwork. "This shit better not scar."

Spike stood up and rested his hands on her waist. 

Buffy didn't find his closeness, or the affectionate way he was looking at her, objectionable in the least. In fact, she liked it... "Did Drusilla try to talk you into getting back together with her?" Buffy asked. "That's what she said she was going to do."

"Uh-huh." Spike shook his head and sighed. "She really thought I'd jump at the chance to be with her again. Well... I s'pose I was a bit tempted at first -- it's not easy to turn down someone you loved for as long as I loved her -- but when I saw what she'd done to you... I knew what I had to do."

Buffy felt like her legs were going to give out again. She let out a little gasp when Spike swept her up in his arms. "What are you doing?"

Spike smiled and carried her to the couch, and then set her down gently. "You were gonna fall over, luv."

"Oh... okay. I'm not used to being carried around like some damsel in distress. Warn me next time you plan on sweeping me off my... lifting me up." Buffy sighed and tried just relaxing for a minute, rubbing at her bruised wrists and trying to get some feeling back into her hands. It felt so good to be unchained and out of danger; she hadn't been sure if she was going to make it out of that situation. But she had, with Spike's help. "You're sure Dru won't be back?"

Spike nodded as he sat down beside Buffy. "Her and her little helpers are taken care of, no worries. I dusted the lot of them."

"Good." Buffy was impressed that Spike had killed his former lover just to protect her; she never thought he could, or would, do that for her. "Um... Dru said some... interesting things while she had me chained up."

"Such as?" Spike asked, arching his scarred brow.

"She said... you were in love with me. And Dawn said the same thing earlier... Is it true?"

Spike tilted his head and said softly, "What do you think?"

"I... I don't know. That's why you saved me... because you love me?" Buffy asked, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth as she awaited his answer.

Spike took a breath and turned to her, taking her hands in his and looking her in the eye. "Yes... it's true. I love you, Buffy. You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you..." 

Whereas those words coming out of Spike's mouth would have been abhorrent a few hours ago, now they made Buffy feel warm and, yes, even happy. She could see that Spike loved her, she could feel it. No man had ever said anything like that to her before. No man had ever talked about her like she was an object of love and desire like in the old poems she was so fond of. 

She gave him a watery smile and squeezed his hands. "You really do love me, don't you?" It was still hard for her to believe that a soulless vampire could actually love someone... but Spike had proven her wrong.

Spike smiled back and nodded. "I really, truly do. And... I couldn't let Dru hurt you, I had to stop her. I'd do anything for you, Buffy. The million dollar question is: How do you feel about me? Is my love in vain?"

"I... I'm not sure. I mean, I'm used to thinking of you a certain way... but by helping me, you've shown me that you've changed." Buffy swallowed, trying to figure out what she honestly felt for him. "I'm... attracted to you, I think I always was, but it wasn't... _right_ for me to feel that way, you know?"

"Yeah... I get that, I do. You, Slayer -- Me, vampire." Spike took a deep breath before continuing. "But love isn't always easy or pretty, it can be tough, it can make you want to scream and feel like you're losin' your bleedin' mind. And love's not always meant for those people that seem 'perfect' for each other. I think we can have something... _extraordinary_ , Buffy. If you just give me a chance... I swear, I'll make you so bloody happy."

Buffy had never seen a man look as beautiful as Spike looked right at that moment. The hair, the cheekbones, the hard body. And the eyes... such intense, deep blue eyes -- they seemed to cut right through all her defenses, all her objections... all her fears. It was true, she always did have an attraction for him, under the surface. She'd always felt there was something between herself and Spike, at first it had just been the mortal enemy thing, but it had morphed since then. She'd been attracted to him, sort of like having the hots for the _really_ bad boy in school -- you know he's completely wrong for you, but he's damn sexy. Buffy was surprised by the lengths to which her mind had gone to squelch any desire for Spike, she'd been the true Queen of Denial. 

But now she was remembering. Yes, he'd still been a pain in her ass, but that didn't mean she hadn't wanted him. And then over time, especially recently with the Glory threat looming over her family, she'd seen that he wasn't _all_ bad. Spike was capable of doing good things, he just needed someone to put their boot in his ass to help keep him on the side of right. Buffy could be that someone with the boot. She'd rather not have another vampire boyfriend who was a huge project... but she had feelings for Spike that she could no longer deny or ignore.

And by saving her life tonight, Spike had earned a chance at redemption, as well as a place in her heart.

"How do you feel about me now?" Spike tilted his head, smiling tentatively and awaiting her answer.

"Now... I can finally admit I'm attracted to you, that I have... feelings for you. I don't understand all of it yet, but it's about time I stopped lying to myself."

"You think... we might be able to _explore_ those feelings... together?" Spike asked with a sweet, hopeful smile.

Buffy looked down bashfully -- she couldn't believe she was having this conversation with Spike. After everything they'd been through, and done to each other, here they were, talking about 'exploring feelings'. "Yeah, I think so. I'm open to... negotiations on that. There's _something_ between us... I'd like to find out what exactly _it_ is."

"Just hearin' you say that there's hope that my dreams will come true.... it means so much to me, Buffy." Spike brought her hands to his lips and gently kissed her knuckles. 

Yes, this is what she wanted. _Spike_ was what she wanted.

"What say we get the hell out of here, yeah?" Spike asked with a little smirk.

Buffy laughed. "I'm all for that! I hope I never see this damn place again. Wish the city would just bulldoze it, and then salt the earth."

Spike stood up and pulled Buffy up to stand with him. "Need me to carry you? 'Cos I will. I love carryin' you around." He smirked and wagged his eyebrows.

"Like the end of some big romantic movie?" Buffy chuckled.

"Somethin' like that." Spike pulled her against him, gazing into her eyes. "Or it could be the start of a big, beautiful, romantic life..."

Buffy smiled, thinking how sweet a thing that was of him to say. And she could tell that's what he really wanted. She wouldn't mind having a heaping helping of big, beautiful romance, either. "Who knows? Stranger things have happened, right?"

Spike nodded. "'Specially in this town."

Buffy couldn't feel any of the wounds Drusilla had inflicted on her; there was no pain. How could she feel pain when Spike was looking at her like this, with his bluer-than-blue eyes conveying so much love and affection? Spike leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. Buffy put her arms around his neck and returned the kiss. Yes, this is what she wanted. She could have sworn her lip had been split by one of Dru's punches, kissing anyone right now should be painful... but she didn't feel any discomfort.

Suddenly, music started playing. It was, 'Up Where We Belong' -- one of Buffy's favorite romantic songs.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Up Where We Belong - Joe Cocker & Jennifer Warnes ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wfnqDdpp9cs)

}}

 

Buffy pulled back with a puzzled frown, and looked around to locate the source of the music. "Where's that music coming from? You hear it too, right? I'm not just going nuts?"

"Yeah, I hear it. Must be from a car stereo outside," Spike said dismissively.

When she looked back at Spike, he was wearing a white Navy officer's uniform, complete with the white hat. Buffy blinked and stared at him. "What... How did your clothes change? What the hell is... Wow, you look _really_ good in those clothes..." Buffy was confused, but she was momentarily taken out of her thoughts by just how gorgeous Spike looked in the uniform. The words 'Hello, Salty Goodness!' repeated in her head.

Spike only smiled and lifted her up in his arms again to carry her out of the mansion. "We can talk all 'bout it on the way home, pet."

Buffy couldn't resist taking his officer's cap and putting it on, just like in 'An Officer and a Gentleman'. 

And then Buffy was finally able to think coherently, realizing how bizarre the last minute had been. A feeling of dread and numbness spread through her body, her face went slack. "Oh God... this isn't really happening, is it? This isn't real..."

Spike smiled sadly and shook his head no. "I'm sorry, Buffy..."

* * *

Dru slapped Buffy's face to bring her out of the trance. "Does that clear anything up for you, Slayer?" she asked coldly.

Buffy blinked rapidly, trying to understand that everything she'd just seen and experienced was just an illusion; it had seemed so real. "Why... Why did you make me...?"

"'Cos it was takin' you too bloody long to realize the truth on your own." Dru put her hands to her own temples, her eyes fluttered. "So many defenses in your tiny, pink, wrinkly brain... so many rules, so many _wrong_ turns... I don' like it in there..."

"Then stay the fuck out of my brain, bitch!" Tears of frustration welled in Buffy's eyes, but she refused to sob and cry, she would not give Dru the satisfaction. Nevertheless, a tear spilled over and ran down Buffy's cheek. It had been too cruel a deception -- to make Buffy think the nightmare was over, to make her think and feel things about Spike.

Dru grabbed and held the sides of Buffy's head again. Buffy tried shaking her head to keep Dru from putting another hallucination in her mind or from hurting her, but Dru held her fast. Instead of more mind games or hitting, Dru only licked up the trail of the tear, also licking up some blood on Buffy's cheek.

"Ugh! Get off of me, you freak!" Buffy shouted in disgust, trying to move her face away from Dru's sweeping tongue. 

Dru stepped back, smiling. She closed her eyes, licked her chops, and rubbed her hand in circles over her stomach. "Ohh, mmmmmm! Slayer tears and blood makes a brilliant cocktail! Can you make enough tears to fill a proper punchbowl? I know you can make enough blood." Dru winked and licked her lips again. She leaned toward Buffy, talking in a hushed, conspiratorial tone, "I add a pinch of cinnamon and a bottle of vodka to my blood punch -- but, Shhhh! Don't give away my secrets! Everyone will be copyin' my recipe for their parties!"

Buffy shrugged to get her shoulder closer to her face, and then wiped her cheek on her shoulder to get Dru's saliva off. She mostly just succeeded in smearing her cheek and shoulder with blood. "You're sick -- even for a vampire!"

"Did the little vision I gave you finally open your eyes? You told Spike you wanted him -- I was in your head, I saw it, I heard it. Scary place, your head is..."

"That... That didn't mean anything!" The Queen of Denial was back. "You _tricked_ me! I never would have felt anything for Spike if he didn't come to help me! It was just gratitude!"

"I made you see the truth, what lies beneath. I don't like bein' inside your head... turns my tummy, it does." Dru made a face like she'd tasted something bad. "So many twists and turns, a labyrinth of brick walls and dead ends."

"Yeah, you mentioned that. I say again, stay the fuck out of my head, you crazy bitch!" A thought occurred to Buffy, making her feel even more ill. "Oh my God... that wasn't _you_ I was kissing, was it?!" Buffy spit repeatedly on the floor.

Some of the minions snickered at the Slayer's distress. They wished the Mistress would let them videotape this -- it was some funny, entertaining shit!

"I wouldn't taint my lips by touching them to yours, Slayer," Dru said, running an index finger over her own lips. "You're sour and bitter, kissing you would be like biting into a lemon. My mummy used to eat lemons. Raw. She said she loved the way they made her mouth... tingle." Dru looked off into space, not moving or saying anything for several moments. And then it was as if someone un-paused her, and she started talking again. "You saw what your heart wanted to see in the vision, it was what you wanted to happen. And I saw it too."

"That's _not_ what I want!" 

Dru groaned and rolled her eyes. "Bloody hell, you're a pigheaded little elf, ain't you? You make the chubby, flying babies weep, you do." While Buffy was trying to make sense of that last comment, Dru continued, getting angrier by the second. "I go through all the trouble of givin' you a vision, and you _still_ won't accept what you seen with your own eyes!?"

She reached up and grabbed three fingers on Buffy's left hand, and then jerked them violently, dislocating them. 

Buffy cried out in pain and clenched her teeth. At first, she was afraid Drusilla had just ripped her fingers clean-off. But she didn't feel warm blood running down her arms, so she assumed the fingers were still attached. And then Dru stepped away from her, without a fistful of Buffy's fingers, confirming that Buffy wasn't maimed for life. That was a huge relief, but her hand was still hurting badly.

"They're still there, Slayer, just a bit askew and dangly." Dru giggled and held her hands up, holding her own fingers at odd angles. "I don't have time to keep tryin' to convince you of your own feelings, could keep tryin' 'til the end of time and it won't do no good. I don't know why my William was drawn to such daft girls after I set him free. It's time for me to pay a visit to my sweet Spike. Joshua, be a pet an' fetch my coat."

Joshua hurried to Dru, helping her into her coat.

Dru talked to him over her shoulder, "If the Slayer gives you any lip, you, and only you, have my permission to punch her or knock her out. No one else is to touch her."

"Really?!" Joshua asked excitedly. Then he grinned toothily at Buffy and cracked his knuckles. "Sweet!"

"But, take care that you don't hit her too hard." Dru wagged a finger at him. "If you kill or mortally wound her, I shall be very cross and have to gut you like a fish. I'll make it _real_ slow-like and painful, too," she said as she mimed sticking a knife in his stomach, and then ripping upwards in a zigzagging fashion. "The Slayer needs to be alive for what comes next, and anyone who robs me of my perfect party will wish they were never born."

Joshua's grin faded, he cleared his throat. He swallowed and nodded. "R-right, Mistress. I'll be very careful if I have to hit her. I won't mess this up for you, promise!"

"You know what to do while I'm gone?" Dru asked.

He nodded. "Yes, Mistress, I've got the list." He patted his shirt pocket. "We'll have everything ready when you get back."

"And if anyone tries taking a piece of cake, what will you do?" she quizzed him.

"Uh... cake?" He fumbled in his shirt pocket and took the To-Do List out. He nervously checked it again. "I don't see cake on here... You want me to go to a bakery? There's one on Main St. that has the best --"

Drusilla sighed and pointed to Buffy. "She's the cake. She’s the present. She’s the bloody centerpiece!"

"Oh... right, okay." Joshua folded the list back up and put it back in his pocket.

"So, what will you do if anyone tries to have a taste of the cake?"

"I'll kill them, of course."

Dru smiled. "Good. No one is to harm one hair on the Slayer's daft head until I return. She's my present to Spike. Make sure you decorate her the way I told you."

"I will, Mistress."

"And you're not allowed to sneak a taste of her either. Unless you get some blood on your fist from punching her. Then you're allowed to lick it off your hand, but no licking the Slayer directly. You understand?"

"Yes, Mistress."

"Now, it's a different story if those little friends of the Slayer's come 'round lookin' for her. You and the rest of my helpers may slaughter them at your whim. And please do make sure to do it in front of her?"

He nodded and smiled again. "I hope they do come looking for her. I've wanted to kill that little prick, Xander Harris, for a long time. He was such a huge dork in high school. We'll make you proud, Mistress."

"Such a sweet and dutiful boy you are, Joshua. If you do a good job, Mummy may give you a special treat later." Dru grinned happily and patted his face. It was nice to have young vampires to guide sometimes; they could be so adorable and precocious at Joshua's age. "I'll be back soon with my sweet William." Dru hummed a merry tune as she started out of the mansion. 

She stopped and took a red rose from a vase. She held it under her nose, closed her eyes and sniffed its fragrance. Red roses symbolized love -- Spike would appreciate the poetry in that.

With a grin on her face, Dru exited the mansion on a mission to get her man back. A minion with the keys to the van followed her.

* * *

The minion 'designated driver' dropped Drusilla off at Spike's cemetery. She wanted privacy for this next part -- no prying eyes or ears were allowed while she wooed Spike.

Drusilla had had visions about Spike before she'd made the decision to come back to Sunnydale for him. They were frightening visions that made her weep and tremble for hours. There were many possible terrible deaths that awaited Spike if he walked with the Slayer. She realized then that she needed to be with Spike. He was her darling, deadly boy, and it was her duty to love and protect him; protect him from the Slayer, and from himself. 

It hadn't been fair of Dru to cast him off the way she did, she'd let her own wants, needs, and pride get in the way of doing what was best for Spike. But now she was going to make things right, like a good mummy would.

Dru had to make him choose the right path, by force, if necessary. This was Spike's last chance to be what he was, to be the man she fell in love with, to be the dark warrior with the heart of a poet he was always meant to be. If he didn't choose wisely... it would be the death of him, in more ways than one. The Slayer would gobble up everything he was, make Spike into nothing more than a shadow, and then the little bitch would spit him out, letting him sacrifice himself for her and her sanitized, dreary world. 

Dru had rescued William in an alley over one hundred and twenty years ago -- she vowed to save him again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for the yummy reviews! I love hearing from all of you :D I can't tell you how helpful (and fun!) it is to read your opinions *hugs & kisses to all*


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crypt scene with Spike and Dru follows what happened in the episode, but with a few differences and touches of my own. It was such a great scene the way it was written, I didn't want to change too much of it. Hope y'all like it!
> 
> Kewl banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Spike was heading back to his crypt to select a few good weapons to take with him. Then he would resume his hunt; it was always a good idea to have a sharp axe or sword at the ready. He would find the mansion in question, he would see how many vampires there were to contend with, and then (depending on how many baddies there were) Spike would either wipe all of them out by himself, or go to Buffy, tell her what he'd learned, and then they could go in as a team.

Spike grinned. "Buffy's gonna be chuffed to bits, I just know it." 

But then Spike's smile disappeared, being replaced with a frown. He'd been on a hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride lately -- a thought would make him happy, and then delving deeper into the same thought would depress him. 

He thought that Buffy would... what? Hug him? Give him a kiss and her eternal gratitude? Tell him she'd been all wrong about him? Show him one iota of respect?

No, she wouldn't do any of those things. Buffy would probably find some reason to yell at, insult, and hit him. She might even accuse him of being in on the train killings. Like how she’d dismissed the fact that he’d willingly gone with her to fight Glory and protect Dawn -- yeah, he’d gotten knocked out quickly (which was highly embarrassing for Spike), but he’d been there, at her side and ready to do battle, he’d tried to help... She just couldn't seem to give him any credit at all for anything. 

Buffy was _never_ going to think of him any differently. She would always hate him. He could do good deeds every day for the rest of his unlife, and she would still hate him.

Spike stopped and closed his eyes. "What the hell am I doing?" he groaned.

Everything was about her; Buffy was virtually all he could think about. Here he was, desperately wanting to gain the favor of a woman who considered him a despicable _thing_ , hoping that she'd just say 'thank you' and smile at him... What kind of wretched poof had he turned into?!

He thought of how low he'd sunk since his heyday. He was formerly Spike, William the Bloody, Slayer of Slayers, scourge of continents, powerful, proud, a dangerous dark warrior. And now he was Spike, Slayer's lapdog, weak, fangless object of disgust, pity, and ridicule. And he was just letting it happen to him.

He didn't have a choice about the chip, but why was he putting himself through the torture of trying to win Buffy's favor? Why did he feel such desperation to get her to notice him and really _see_ him? He could choose to end it and leave town. There was no real reason for him to stay in Sunnydale... except to be around Buffy.

"She'll never love me... she'll never even _care_ about me. I'm... _beneath_ her..." Spike whispered dejectedly. "Why do I let myself think it could ever be any different...?"

The thought occurred again, _'I should just pack up and leave.'_

"But I have nowhere else to go..." He was a vamp without a country. 

The saddest bit of all was that Spike didn't think putting distance between himself and Buffy (even hundreds of miles or continents) would make him stop thinking about or stop wanting her.

Spike shook his head and continued on to his crypt. “God, I’m gonna drive myself batty with this shit... Just get on with it, wanker,” he mumbled to himself. 

He entered the dark crypt, his demon and his love-struck poet still battling it out in his head. His demon sometimes made its displeasure about Spike's decisions known, telling him to do something, _anything_ , evil, before he completely lost his edge. Spike's demon was in love with Buffy too, but it still didn't like Spike letting himself be treated like shit by anyone.

Spike put a hand to his forehead, wishing things were different. Why did he have to work so bloody hard at everything, while some people (Angel) got everything served up to them on a silver platter?

Spike looked up when he heard a strange sound. He looked around suspiciously. Was a demon lurking in the dark, waiting for him? Well, Spike had a lot of pent-up anger inside of him ready to be unleashed on the next poor sod who challenged him.

"Who's there?" Spike asked, balling up his fists, ready to kick ass and beat whoever it was to a bloody pulp.

Her voice came from behind him. "A happy memory, pretty Spike."

Spike turned, astonished when he saw Drusilla emerge from the shadows.

"Look who's come to make everything right again." Dru held a red rose to her cheek and drew it down seductively across her face.

* * *

Spike and Drusilla were catching up, and she just finished telling him about her adventures in L.A.

Spike could hardly believe Dru was actually here, he'd thought she never wanted to see him again -- her saying so the last time he saw her was the big clue. Her being here wasn't helping the warring factions in his mind get any quieter -- his demon was virtually giddy as a schoolgirl at seeing Dru again -- his Sire, his lover was back for a visit (maybe more). 

Spike let Drusilla steer the conversation, he wasn't even sure what to say to her. She was acting as if nothing had happened, like she hadn't shattered his heart into a million pieces. And he didn't want to go over the reasons for their split again, he'd just end up sounding and feeling pathetic. He waited to hear her get to the point, why she'd come back to Sunnydale, which he knew, with Dru, could take a while...

Spike was trying to act nonchalant, as if seeing her again didn't fill him (well, part of him) with joy. "So, uh, let me get this straight. Darla got mojo'd back from the beyond... you vamped her... and now she and you are working on turning Angel into his own bad self again."

Drusilla circled around behind him. "Mmmhmm."

Spike thought, _'Oh brilliant, yeah, let's bring back that insufferable bastard again!'_ He said (still going for nonchalant), "Sounds fun."

"It is. Like lollipops at the circus. Although... didn't care for Angelus setting us on fire." She touched her cheek and chest, the worst burns left from that unfortunate encounter with Angel.

"And this has got you, what, all nostalgic now, has it?" Spike asked.

"I want us to be a family again, my William." Dru walked up close to him, put her mouth next to his ear and whispered, "Come back with me." She pulled back to look at him.

"To Los Angeles?"

She nodded.

"I've done the whole L.A. scene, Dru. Didn't agree with me." Spike walked away from her. He did _not_ want to go back to that cesspool of a town, and he definitely didn't want to have any part in bringing Angelus back out into the world. On top of all that, Spike was afraid to let Dru know about the chip -- it was humiliating. He didn't want her to know how very far he'd fallen. He couldn't stand it if she pitied him; he had to just pretend all was well. 

"Besides, I've got a sweet little setup here in SunnyD." He gestured around the crypt. "Decent digs..." He sat in his armchair, hoping he was acting laid-back convincingly enough to fool her. "Not to mention all the tasty townies I can eat." 

Drusilla rubbed one index finger against the other in a scolding gesture, just like she'd done to Buffy earlier in the evening. "Naughty! Shhhh." She put a finger to her lips. "You mustn't make up stories. I already know why you're not coming... Poor boy." She put her hands to her head, seeing Spike's chipping, and the results of it, in her mind's eye again. "Tin soldiers put funny knickknacks in your brain. Can't hunt! Can't hurt! Can't kill!" she said, jerking her head in an imitation of Spike being zapped by the chip each time she said the word 'can't'. She looked at him. "You've got a chip." She tried to put her hands on Spike's head, but he got up from the chair and moved away from her.

Spike's casual facade crumbled now that she'd seen through him; he should have known he couldn't hide anything from her. "Right, so you've heard... Poor Spike's become a cautionary tale for vampires, right? You better be good, kiddies, or else they might wire you up someday!" He kicked an empty box across the room. 

Drusilla had been so right -- her poor, darling boy needed her. She could feel his frustration, shame, and fury so keenly. "I don't believe in science. All those bits and molecules no one's ever seen. I trust eyes and heart alone." She walked over to him. "And do you know what mine is singing out right now?"

She took Spike's hand and put it over her heart. Spike stared at her, feeling such a strong sense of déjà vu -- he'd put his hand over her heart countless times over the years, it was one of their 'things' to show their affection and love.

Drusilla went into cheerleader mode, encouraging and convincing him that he could free himself of the prison he was trapped in. "You're a killer. Born to slash... and bash... and..." She gave a gasp of pleasure. "Oh, bleed like beautiful poetry." 

Dru could feel their connection again, she could feel _her_ Spike stirring and growing; her deadly boy was still in there, he only needed her to guide him back into the darkness. It was practically orgasmic to feel him coming back to life. She started breathing faster, getting more excited. She held Spike's hand to her chest as they turned in a circle.

"No little tinker toy could ever stop you from flowing."

She was saying the exact right words to reach him, she _always_ knew the right words that would hit him where he lived. What she said was so stimulating, so captivating, to Spike. He wanted so badly to believe her. 

Spike was smiling dazedly, falling under her spell, and whispered, "Yeah..."

Drusilla moaned, "Ohhhh."

Spike closed his eyes and shook his head, taking his hand away from her. "But the pain... luv, you don't understand, it's... it's searing." Then he thought that wasn't the best choice of words, considering Angel had set her on fire not too long ago. "It's, um, blinding..."

Dru put her hand on the top of his head and pulled it down toward her. "All in your head. I can see it. Little bit of... plastic, spiderwebbing out nasty blue shocks." She moved her fingers across his head, imitating a spider. "And every one is a lie."

Spike kept his head bowed, letting her touch him -- letting himself get lost in her touch, the sound of her voice, and the fact that she was comforting him, as he'd done her so many times in the past. He wanted to wrap himself up in this moment and wear it like a shroud forevermore. At this moment, he felt loved again, and that's all Spike had ever really wanted. 

He had to be with Drusilla again -- Dru could take away all the pain and torment. He could be the way he used to be, not this pitiful shell of his former-self. Chipped, treated like dirt by the Scoobies, and hopelessly in love with the Slayer... His life had never sucked as bad as it did now -- not even when he'd been mortal. But Dru could make it all better. All he needed was his dark goddess by his side. Buffy and this godforsaken town would soon be nothing but bad memories (or so he tried telling himself).

Dru continued, "Electricity lies, Spike. It tells you you're not a bad dog, but you are." She ran her hand around behind his head, and then across his face. She took his chin and lifted his face to hers.

Spike growled with lust and love as they gazed into each other's eyes. Yes, he belonged with Drusilla. Only she understood him; only she loved him. And now he could have it all back -- everything that had been so cruelly stripped away from him. The world could be his again...

Spike closed his eyes and winced at the sound of Harmony's voice.

"What the heck is this?" Harmony asked from the doorway, perturbed and irritated to find her Blondie Bear macking on another woman.

"Oh, bloody hell..." Spike groaned. He'd completely forgotten about Harm, and he'd been hoping she'd completely forgotten about him, too. Like if someone had jangled some shiny keys in front of her. But no such luck. He turned to her as Harmony entered the crypt. 

Harm walked over to them, checking out her new 'competition'. "Who is... Oh, wait..." she said with annoyance, "I get it. Our little sex game was just the beginning. Now you've gone and picked up some cheap queen of the damned to dress up like your precious Droodzilla." She gave (what she thought was) the Drusilla wannabe a withering look.

Spike only wanted Harmony for one thing, and it wasn't for her sparkling conversational skills and wit. She annoyed the hell out of him. But... she did love him (in her own way), and Spike understood what it felt like to be in love with someone who hated you. So he felt a bit sorry for Harmony as a result. He would finally be done with her for good after this, but wanted to try letting her down in a 'nice' way. 

Spike tried to tell her what was going on. "Harm..."

Harmony kept yammering. "You'd better not be thinking what I think you're thinking. 'Cause my answer is the same as always. No threesomes unless it's," she gestured to Spike, "boy," she gestured in the air, "boy," she gestured to herself, "girl. Or Charlize Theron."

Spike was losing what little patience he had. "Harm, you moron, this _is_ Drusilla."

Dru just watched Spike and Harm interacting with a small smile. _'He doesn't even realize why he really chose this girl as his concubine. She's dumb as a box of rocks and malleable. But he wanted her 'cos she looks like the Slayer... That evil, wicked Slayer seduced my poor Spike. Well... she'll pay the ultimate price for it. Oh yes, it'll be beautiful!'_

Harmony was taken off-guard that this was _the_ Drusilla she'd heard so much about. She had wanted to give the bitch a piece of her mind for a long time. "Oh... Well," she walked toward Drusilla, "you've got some nerve showing up here like this. After all this time. After breaking my sweet Boo-Boo's heart."

Dru raised her eyebrows slightly and looked over Harmony's shoulder at Spike, mouthing the words "Boo-Boo". Spike rolled his eyes and shrugged.

Harmony was getting more pissed off at Dru for coming here to their happy little crypt, probably hoping to cause a rift between Harm and her Platinum Baby. "Do you have any idea how hard it's been to break down the walls he put up after you left? I mean, _serious_ trust issues."

"Harm..." Spike just wanted her to go away, why couldn't she just shut up for once? He was _trying_ to be nice, dammit!

Harmony put a hand on her hip and got in Dru's face. "So it's no use you crawling back to him, 'cause Spikey don't play that game any more, Morticia." 

Drusilla couldn't believe the little insect, this _child_ , was daring to speak to her like this. How could Spike stand the bint, even if it was just a sexual relationship? Dru put a hand up, trying to block out the sight of Harmony -- if she couldn't see her, maybe the fluffy piece of tail would simply disappear into thin air.

"Oh! You think you're better than me, right? You think you can just ignore me, huh?!" Harm huffed. "Ignore this, bitch!" Harmony just had to mess her up. 

She jumped on Dru, knocking her down. She sat on her, hitting and scratching at Drusilla's face. Dru was too shocked to do more than put her arms up and try to protect her face -- it completely surprised her that the daft little bint had the stones to attack her; she hadn't seen that coming. Harmony was stupider than she first seemed, and that was pretty damn stupid.

Spike couldn't tolerate Harmony putting her hands on Drusilla -- no one was **ever** allowed to touch Dru. His blood boiled, he saw red. Spike had protected, defended, and loved her for so many years, his old instincts took over. He was feeling like his old-self more and more by the minute.

With an angry roar, Spike grabbed Harmony and hauled her off of Dru, and then he threw her across the room toward the door of the crypt. Harmony hit the wall hard and slid down. She looked at Spike, wounded in more ways than one. She couldn't believe he was actually throwing her out for Dorkzilla -- after everything that bitch had done to him!

Spike's eyes flashed golden, he was just barely able to keep from vamping out. "If you **EVER** lay a fucking hand on her again I'll rip your bloody head off!" he bellowed.

Harm just stared at him fearfully and cowered against the wall; she'd never seen him look or sound so angry.

Spike's rage dissipated quickly, he became instantly gentle and caring as he went to Dru and helped her up. "You alright, pet?" he asked, looking her over for any wounds or marks. 

Drusilla nodded as she smoothed down her dress, giving Harmony an icy look. Many ways of killing the blonde were running through her head, it was so hard to choose which one she'd enjoy most. Then she looked back at Spike and smiled, finding his concern for her touching and encouraging. Her sweet Spike always did take such good care of his Drusilla. She'd missed that too -- no one else could pamper her and shower her with as much love and affection as Spike could.

Spike kept his eyes on Dru as he said, "It's been fun while it lasted, Harm, but I think it'd be best now if you hit the road."

Harmony's chin quivered. "Why? Because she's back?"

Spike smiled a little and moved closer to Dru. "No. Because _I_ am."

Dru smiled wider as Harm began getting to her feet. Spike put his arm around Dru's waist and pulled her tightly up against him. Dru loved it so when he grabbed her like that, all rough and demanding.

Drusilla's smile became a full-fledged grin, she could sense the man she loved coming back to her. "And there you are, my darling, deadly boy." She put her hand on the back of his neck, and they kissed. It was like going home for both of them -- they'd missed this more than either of them had ever realized.

Harmony used the wall to help herself stand up. "Fine! Go back with her, I don't care! Don't come crying to me the next time she dumps your ass!"

The kissing vampire couple didn't even seem to know or care that she was still in the room, they just kept right on kissing.

"You suck! I hate you! I hope you both die... like _for real_!" Harm spat, and then ran out the door, slamming it shut.

* * *

_Earlier, at the Summers' house..._

Joyce looked out the front window for the umpteenth time, hoping to see Buffy strolling up the walkway.

"Mom, try to relax," Dawn said, putting a hand on her mother's back. "I'm sure Buffy's just out slaying some demons, she'll be back any minute."

"That's what I thought an hour ago," Joyce fretted, letting the curtain drop back into place. "All she had to do was talk to Spike -- it should _not_ be taking her over two hours to do that."

Willow had been there already, having performed the dis-invite on the house as Buffy had asked. She then called the others when Joyce started getting freaked out an hour ago. She was kind of concerned herself. Buffy had been dreading having 'the talk' with Spike, and if Spike really was in love with Buffy... odds were that he would not take the news well that Buffy wanted nothing to do with him. Giles was busy at the shop, but promised to stop by once he closed up for the night. Giles, like the others, hoped that the problem would be solved by then and Buffy would be safely at home.

Xander, Anya, and Tara had come over to try and help Joyce feel more secure, and to go find Buffy if it became necessary. No one still knew for sure that anything was wrong, it was just Joyce's 'mother's intuition' that told her something had gone horribly wrong.

"Buffy's been out way longer than this before," Dawn pointed out. 

"I know... I just have a really, _really_ bad feeling..." Joyce wrung her hands in front of her. She sighed and looked at Dawn, then reached out and stroked her daughter's shiny, dark hair. "Sweetheart, I'm so sorry that me freaking out is freaking you out too..."

Dawn shook her head. "I'm not freaked or wigged or anything like that. I know it will be okay."

"If anything happened to her... it will be my fault," Joyce said miserably.

"Don't s-say that, Mrs. Summers," Tara consoled her. "That's not true."

"Yes, it will be my fault if Buffy was hurt... I told her she had to deal with... Spike possibly having feelings for her. I encouraged her to go talk to him -- I practically pushed her out the door!" Joyce was on the verge of tears, her voice shook, "I don't know what I'm going to do if she..."

The others tried calming and reassuring her.

"Mom, please don't be so hard on yourself," Dawn said, pouting and hugging her mom. "That was something Buffy had to do, and stuff like that is usually better to do right away -- like ripping off a band-aid. And Spike... he cares about Buffy, he wouldn't hurt her -- even if he _could_ \-- I know it."

Joyce hugged Dawn, then took a breath and shook her head. "I know, I need to calm down. It's just this... damn _feeling_ won't go away." She turned to the Scoobies. "I really hate to put all of you out -- for what will probably turn out to be just a case of me being an overprotective mother -- but... could you please go to Spike's and see if Buffy's okay?"

"Sure, of course," Xander quickly agreed. He was worried too, and he would feel a whole world of better to confirm that Buffy was alright. 

Joyce smiled a little and nodded. "Thank you so much. I... I bet Buffy will be laughing at me for getting so worked up over nothing... right?"

They all nodded, smiled, and said, "Right."

"Buffy is very tough and strong," Anya said, trying to be supportive and encouraging. "And Spike has a chip in his head, so she could kick his ass from one end of the cemetery to the other if he tried anything funny." She looked at Xander hopefully, and smiled when he nodded, showing her that she said the right thing. Anya had been a bit concerned that she might be too honest about possible danger to Buffy. Anya liked Joyce and didn't want to upset her.

"You're right. Thank you, Anya." Joyce patted her on the arm. 

"We'll just get some supplies and then be on our way," Xander said, going to the weapons chest in the living room.

The tea kettle in the kitchen started whistling. 

"Any of you want a cup of Chamomile tea before you go?" Joyce asked as she turned toward the kitchen. She wanted them to go find Buffy as soon as possible, but she didn't want to be rude by not offering them a beverage either.

They all thanked her, but declined.

Xander waited until Joyce had left the room. "I swear, if Spike hurt Buffy, I'll..." He raised his hand. "I call dibs on staking his evil ass."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I was wondering when you'd start leading the 'Let's Stake Spike' parade. Spike wouldn't hurt her."

"Are you kidding? You _do_ remember he's a vampire, right? And that he's _already_ tried to kill her lots of times?" Xander asked.

Dawn grumbled, hating being talked to like she was stupid. Spike was the only one who talked to her like an intelligent adult. "I _know_ he's a vampire, Mr. Smartass. First of all, he has the chip. Second, he's in love with her, so he wouldn't want to hurt her."

Xander handed out stakes, crosses, and holy water to Willow and Anya as he talked, "God, Dawn... Just because you have a crush on him, you think Spike's a changed man? He ain't changed, and he ain't no _man_." 

"I do not have a crush on him! Who told you that?!" Dawn colored with embarrassment. It was true, but she didn't want _everyone_ knowing about it.

"Buffy told me. I can't believe you like _him_." Xander wanted to ask her what ever happened to her little crush on him, but didn't think he should bring it up -- it might make him seem a tad pathetic. "I thought you were smarter than that, Dawnie."

"Oh, you figured out how to choose who makes your heart go pitter-pat?" she asked defensively, putting her hands on her narrow hips. "Unless you forgot, you dated Cordelia, the Bitch Queen of Sunnydale High. _And_ you fell in love with a former Vengeance Demon, so don't lecture me or call me stupid! I believe you also fell for a praying mantis lady, an Incan mummy girl, and --"

"Okay! Point taken... you can't control who you're attracted to. But all those women weren't obvious wrong choices at the time. However, they did turn out to be big-huge, fat mistakes."

Anya raised her eyebrows and gave him a look, she folded her arms across her chest. "Excuse me? I'm a _mistake_? And I'm _fat_?!" 

"Uh, except for you, of course, Ahn!" Xander backpedaled at the speed of light. "You're the best thing that ever happened to me, honey! You're wonderful, beautiful, and very dainty."

Anya looked only slightly appeased by that. "Damn right, I am. And you'd better not forget it, buster!"

Xander sighed and focused back on Dawn. "With all of those bad women -- with the one good example of Anya thrown in -- I didn't know what they were until they tried to kill me or one of my friends. I guess Cordy wasn't _technically_ evil... My point is, you _know_ what Spike is and you still have this... this crush on him." 

"What do you want me to say, Xander? That I'm an idiot? Fine, I'm an idiot. That's how all of you treat me anyway." Dawn turned her back on them.

"I'm just trying to help you see the truth, Dawn."

"Which is?" she asked without turning around.

"Spike hasn't changed, he's still a bloodthirsty demon and he wouldn't hesitate to kill Buffy or any of us if he could. That includes _you_."

Dawn shook her head, looking haughty as she turned to face him again. "Not true. Well, he might kill _you_ , because you can be such a butthole -- like right now, for instance -- but not the rest of us. Buffy's the last person he'd want to kill. I don't care what you say -- Spike loves her and wouldn't hurt her."

"Even if she was telling him that he had zero chance with her? Normal, soul-having humans have been known to go on violent rampages when their affection was spurned. He's a soulless demon who's already one pudding cup short of a snack pack. 'Nuff said?"

Dawn crossed her arms, looking away defiantly. She still didn't believe Spike would actually hurt Buffy. There was a tiny seed of doubt planted in her mind by Xander's words, though. Maybe she felt so certain because she just didn't _want_ to believe Spike would harm her sister...?

"Are you going to stay here and bitch at me all night, or are you actually going to look for Buffy?" Dawn asked, giving him a cold look.

Xander shook his head, giving up for now. Dawn had herself convinced that Spike was 'cool', and she wasn't ready to accept the truth. "Yeah, we'd better get going. The sooner we find out Buffy's okay, the better."

Willow took Tara aside while Dawn and Xander were exchanging words.

"Tara, you can stay here with Mrs. Summers and Dawn, we can handle this."

"You trying to keep me safe, huh?" Tara asked with a little smile and taking Willow's hand in hers.

Willow smiled back. "That's always my main goal, yeah. I also just think you're needed here more. You have a serene, calming presence, and I think Mrs. Summers could use a large dose of serenity."

"I worry about you too, you know? I don't like the thought of you being in possible danger, either."

"I've been patrolling with Buffy for years and years, I'll be fine. And I'll have Xander with me. Big, strong Xander. And Anya -- she fights dirty."

"Okay, I'll stay here then, if you're really sure?"

Willow nodded. "I think it would be for the best, and it will make me feel a lot better to know I don't have to worry about you getting hurt."

Tara gave Willow a quick kiss. "Just... be careful, alright?"

Willow smiled. "Promise."

Then Tara glanced at the others and asked in a quiet voice, "What do you really think? Is Buffy in any danger from Spike?"

Willow took a breath. "I... I don't _think_ so. But there's that _little_ bit of doubt in the back of my mind... he has tried to kill her before..."

They reassured Joyce that "everything will be fine" one more time before setting off for Spike's crypt.

* * *

The noise from Harmony slamming the crypt door caused Spike and Dru to break their kiss and look at the door.

"Oh no... the blonde piggy left before I could slit her throat and remove her guts..." Dru pouted for a moment, but then smiled again. "Got too lost in your sweet, hungry kiss, I did," she said, lightly touching Spike's lips.

Spike play-bit at her fingers, smiling devilishly. "I got a bit lost too... That's how it's always been with you, baby. Nothing and no one else exists when I'm with you..." He took a breath, giving his brain a chance to un-fog. "But don't worry 'bout Harm, she's not even worth the effort to kill -- I know, I've tried. I shouldn't've let her walk out of here after she tried hurting you..."

"You've got a big heart," Dru said, putting her hand on his chest. "I was just tellin'... I was just thinkin' that a few hours ago -- what a big, spacious heart my sweet William's got." She'd almost let the cat out of the bag and said that she'd had a chat with Buffy earlier, and that wouldn't do. Buffy was the big surprise. "You let the little doe scamper off into the forest instead of slaughtering her 'cos of your big heart. I'm not cross with you for it." Drusilla might have made the decision to spare Harmony's life. After all, the silly bint had kept Spike amused for a while when he was lonely. Spike still got starry-eyed over the Slayer on Harmony's watch, but that had been set in motion long ago, long before he'd even met Harmony.

"S'not a matter of havin' a big heart." Spike smirked and wound his arms around her small waist. "You distracted me usin' your feminine wiles."

Dru giggled and wriggled happily in his embrace. "Spike, how could you stand bein' around that girl? She makes the pixies cover their ears and burrow in the dirt."

Spike shrugged. "What can I say? I got lonely and needed companionship. See what you dumpin' me reduced me to?" He cocked an eyebrow at her.

"Aww." Dru pouted and stroked his cheek. "I'll never let you go again, my pretty Spike. I'm yours, forever and always."

He growled and held her tighter. "You'd better bloody well mean that -- _this time_."

"I do mean it, my love. I know it was a mistake to leave you, to hurt you, the way I did... I had to kill a wretched old man to get a ticket and come to you, back to this dreadful town, to beg for your forgiveness. I didn't like him, he got stuck in my teeth and he was too gamy for my tastes."

"A ticket..." Spike connected the dots. Clem said one of the big bads was a girl with burns on her face and chest. Why hadn't that occurred to him before now? Why? Because his mind was too consumed with Dru being here and wanting him, he'd temporarily gone as daft in the noggin as Harmony, not being able to come to a simple, logical conclusion. He released his hold on Dru and stepped back. "It was you. You're the one who killed those people on the train."

Drusilla grinned and winked at him, picking at her teeth. "Mmmm, and they were scrumptious! The porter was like the juicy cherry on top of the sundae. He went *squish!* when I bit into him. He begged for mercy, and you know that only makes me bite _harder_." She playfully snapped her jaws at him. 

"You think that was... smart, pet? Calling attention to your presence like that... The Slayer is looking into it, she's gonna be after you."

"I'm not afraid of that little girl," she tittered. "Let 'er come find me." Killing the people on the train hadn't been a sudden impulse -- Drusilla had planned on doing that all along. What better way to start the festivities than to kill on the Slayer's home turf and leave the dead bodies as a present for her? It was like spitting in the little bitch's smug face, and that's the message Dru wanted to send.

"Dru..." Spike said uneasily, "don't underestimate her. She only spared you last time 'cos I --"

Dru put two fingers to his lips. "Tut-tut. Let us not speak of sad things, dear William. The next train full of delicious passengers will be _ours_ for the taking." Drusilla put her arms around his neck, leaning her body into his. "It will be _glorious_." 

Spike put an arm around her waist and rested his forehead against hers. He closed his eyes, savoring the feeling of being in her arms once again. But, even now, he felt conflicted; he hated feeling like he was being pulled in two different directions at once. He wanted Dru, but she'd broken his heart. He should just tell her to piss off... but he couldn't. Spike wanted to forget all about Buffy and his feelings for her... but he couldn't just wish them away. He'd tried, and wishing didn't make it so. If he immersed himself in his renewed relationship with Drusilla, focused solely on her and her happiness, maybe his thoughts of Buffy would be reduced from shouts to whispers, letting him bury his unrequited love for her until he couldn't feel it anymore. Yes, being with Drusilla would make it all better.

Spike had felt so _lost_ for so long: his confusion about his feelings for Buffy; the frustration and depression over having to change his life and lifestyle drastically; the feeling of being like a feather caught in a windstorm, being tossed to and fro by forces beyond his control. He didn't know where or in what category he belonged. But Drusilla coming back to him made his old, happy life seem possible again. Being his old-self again was very appealing; everything had been so simple back then. Spike had been the master of his domain, feared, powerful, and loved by his woman. He desperately wanted to feel like he belonged somewhere, _anywhere_ again. 

Dru took his free hand and set it on the center of her chest again. 

Spike smiled, pressing his palm against her chest and rubbing the way she liked. "I missed you so much, pet. Feels like I've gone back in time... Let's pretend the last few years never happened, yeah?"

Dru caressed the back of his head, her fingers playing in his soft, platinum locks. "Yes, before Sunnydale... when all was right. The world is ours, my love." She gently pulled his head down and kissed his forehead. "You're still afraid of the jolts the chip gives you," she said astutely.

"I want to believe you're right... that it's just an illusion, but if it's just a case of mind over matter... You don't know how bloody hard I fought it, Dru." Spike swallowed hard and shut his eyes tightly. "I tried so bloody _hard_... I couldn't..."

"Then I'll add _my_ will to yours. Nothing and no one can stand against both of us, Spike. Look at me." She tugged on his hair lightly.

Spike raised his head and looked into her eyes.

"Be in me... Be in my eyes," Drusilla said softly, gazing deeply into his blue eyes. She swayed slightly to the left and then to the right, and Spike swayed along with her, his eyes glassy and unfocused. He was seduced and open to her suggestions. She smiled with gratification; she knew this would work. 

Her voice was musical, lifting and caressing him. "The chip is nothing but lies, it tricks you. But it cannot stop you from doin' as you like -- that's just what _they_ want you to think. You are Spike, William the Bloody, _Slayer of Slayers_ , scourge of continents, you're a force of Nature -- and the bits those naughty soldiers put in your brain will not stop you from regaining your glory. You will not feel the pain anymore. No more shocks. No more jolts an' jags. It will wash gently over you like an ocean wave. You will not feel pain from it ever again. Do you understand?"

Spike nodded imperceptibly and whispered, "Yes."

"Good." Dru broke the trance by gently kissing him on the lips, which was in sharp contrast to the fierce slap she'd given Buffy to bring her out of _her_ trance.

Spike blinked and smiled at her. He was amazed by how quickly and easily Dru could work her will on someone; he'd nearly forgotten what a talent she had for it. His black princess really was a special girl. "Do you think that's all it could really take? The power of suggestion can undo what those bloody soldiers did to me?"

"One way to find out." Dru took his hand and walked to the door. "The hunt is on -- tallyho!" she laughed.

He swallowed and smiled weakly. "Right." Spike's head jerked toward the door -- he could hear people talking in hushed tones outside.

"Oh, bloody hell..." Spike was afraid of what Buffy and her friends would do if they found Drusilla here. Buffy or Dru would end up dead -- the thought of either one of them dying was more than he could bear.

"You have to hide," he told Drusilla in a rushed whisper.

"Why? Let them come. Let's kill them together. They can be your guinea pigs!" Dru went into game face and grinned. She clicked her fingernails together, and then wriggled her fingers at the door in a beckoning gesture. "Step into my parlor, ripe little flies, I want to tell you a secret!"

"Don't argue with me, Dru! Just hide!" Spike said firmly.

She frowned, but did as he asked. It disturbed her that Spike didn't want to butcher the Slayer's friends. That he cared anything about those tiny, insignificant gnats was troubling. Hopefully she wasn't too late and Spike could still be saved...

* * *

The Scoobies approached Spike's crypt, talking low.

"Don't say anything about how he allegedly loves Buffy," Willow said. "Maybe it's not true, or maybe she didn't talk to him yet."

"Yeah, or maybe she told him and he went into a rage like the Incredible Hulk..." Xander was always very quick to expect the worst when it came to Spike.

"Why is everyone assuming Spike can hurt Buffy?" Anya asked, confused. "If he could beat her up, he wouldn't have let her treat him like shit all this time."

"She treats him how he _deserves_ to be treated," Xander said with a nod. "Don't make it sound like Buffy's unfair to him. Hell, if it was up to me, we still would've dusted him after the chipping. So, Buffy's actually been more than fair to him -- she let him go on existing."

Anya rolled her eyes. She loved Xander, but his anti-Spike speechifying got on her nerves sometimes. 

"I don't actually think Spike did anything to her," Willow tried explaining her jumbled thoughts on the matter. " _But_... we never know what the heck is going to happen next in Sunnydale. I don't want to discount any possibilities. Checking here," she nodded at the crypt in front of them, "is the first logical step to finding Buffy. If she's still here, then great, problem solved! If not, then we can ask Spike if he's talked to her, and if so, if she said where she was going next."

"Let's hope she really did just decide to go patrolling instead of talking to Captain Peroxide," Xander said. "He's gonna be in a _really_ bad mood if Buffy had 'the talk' with him already."

"What if she's not here and Spike tells us he hasn't seen her?" Anya wondered.

"Then... Tara and I will do a locator spell back at the house. We'll track her down; it'll be okay." Willow knocked on the door. 

"What are you doing?" Xander whispered.

"Knocking. What's it look like?" Willow knocked again.

"Yes, but _why_ are you knocking? You're giving him a chance to hide --"

"Who's there?" Spike called from inside (though he knew exactly who was there).

"Um, it's us, Spike," Willow replied. "Can we come in and talk to you for a minute?"

"Hold on."

Xander whispered, "He's probably doing something to erase evidence that Buffy was, or _is_ , here. Why did you give him any warning?!"

"Xander, shush!" Willow said, giving him a scowl.

After a small delay, Spike opened the door, barring the doorway with his arm. 

Spike was very relieved to find that Buffy wasn't with her friends. Whatever happened, at least the two women he loved wouldn't be fighting to the death in front of him. "Well, 'bout time the Scooby Welcome Wagon came to welcome me to the neighborhood. Did you bring me a cake and a basket of coupons for discounts at local shops?"

"What took you so long to open the door?" Xander asked suspiciously.

"I was naked. Didn't fancy answering the door in the raw and giving you lot a free show." 

"Oh..." Xander gulped and grimaced. "I'm suddenly glad we didn't just barge in now."

"What do you want?" Spike asked impatiently.

"Have you seen Buffy?" Willow asked.

"No, haven't seen her," Spike said quickly. He felt a stab of anxiety, worrying that something had happened to Buffy. But he was done thinking about the Slayer (he harshly reminded himself); whatever happened to her was of no consequence to him... "Why? Is... something wrong?" Spike asked, feeling and sounding more concerned than he wanted to.

Willow answered, "We don't know if anything's wrong or not. It's just that Buffy's been gone a few hours and we don't know where she is. Her mom said she mentioned coming by here... I guess she wanted to see if you wanted to help patrol."

Spike sniffed. "I just got in a little while ago m'self, I wouldn't know if she came by earlier. She's probably just merrily slaying demons somewhere else."

"That's what we're hoping too. But her mom and Dawn are getting really worried, so we're looking. Could you tell her we're looking for her if you see her?" Willow asked.

Spike nodded. "Y'know, occasionally she does need some time to herself without anyone keeping tabs. Must drive her 'round the bend havin' to let people know where she'll be twenty-four hours a bloody day."

"Well, considering the crazy-dangerous line of work our friend's in, we're happier knowing she's okay or if she needs our help," Xander said.

Anya was biting her tongue, because she just _knew_ she'd blurt out something she shouldn't. She preferred being direct, not playing games or beating around the bush. They should just ask Spike if he attacked Buffy -- but Anya wasn't in charge, Willow was, apparently. She wasn't sure who put Willow in charge... if there had been a vote, Anya had missed it.

Xander leaned to the left, trying to see inside the crypt.

Spike moved into Xander's line of sight, scowling at him. "Eh, what're you doin'?"

"You're blocking the doorway and you seem twitchier than usual -- I was trying to see if Buffy was in there."

"I told you, she ain't here."

"Yeah, but you also lie a lot. Mind if we come in and have a quick peek?" Xander took a step forward.

Spike put a hand on Xander's chest and kept him from advancing. "Matter of fact, I _do_ mind. Piss off!" He gave Xander a little push. It wasn't a 'shove', which would have normally made his chip go off, but Xander got the message.

Xander brushed off the spot on his shirt that Spike had touched. "Gee, why am I getting the impression there's something you don't want us seeing in there, Spike?"

"I think I have a say in whether or not I want you in my home. I'm the only one here -- I don't bloody well _know_ where Buffy went off to, but she ain't here!" 

Drusilla was in the lower level of the crypt, but Spike knew she was waiting just on the other side of the trapdoor. He also knew that she would spring from her hiding place and kill them if they set foot inside the crypt. He told himself he was only trying to spare the Scoobies' lives because it would make the Slayer go mental and hunt him and Dru to the ends of the Earth, they'd never get a moment's peace. It wasn't because he'd grown the least bit... fond of these annoying humans... Nope. Well.. maybe he could let _only_ Xander come in...? Nah. 

"Okay, we're going," Willow said, taking Xander's arm and pulling him away from the crypt. "Just let us know if you see Buffy, alright, Spike?"

"Yeah, I'll be sure to do that. Bye now!" Spike waved, then ducked back into the crypt and closed the door.

"He's hiding something." Xander glanced back over his shoulder. "Why wouldn't he just let us have a quick look?"

"Spike doesn't like you," Anya explained. "Of course he doesn't want you in his house. You should have let me or Willow ask nicely instead of just trying to bully your way in. I could have flashed some cleavage, that might have gotten us in. That also works for getting out of speeding tickets."

"I think we should just go back there, push Spike out of the way, and look around. He did _something_ , I know it," Xander insisted.

Anya hooked arms with Xander. "He seemed concerned when Willow said Buffy was missing. I've been watching procedural crime dramas lately, and they've taught me that paying attention to a suspect's facial expressions can give away guilt. I don't think Spike knows where Buffy is, judging by his reaction. But he is hiding _something_."

"So... what do we do now?" Xander asked. He thought Spike had either incapacitated Buffy and had her tied up in the crypt, or Spike knew a lot more than he was saying.

Willow took a deep breath, trying not to let her anxiety get the better of her. "We go back to Buffy's house, and then Tara and I do a locator spell. We'll find out for sure if Spike's got her stashed somewhere in the crypt..."

* * *

Dru licked her fingertips, imagining how sweet the Slayer's friends' blood would've been. "You should've let them come in, Spike. I'm peckish." She made a whining sound.

Spike put his arms around her and kissed her cheek. "Sorry, baby. But I know those wankers, they're trickier than they look. And I don't want anything tainting this occasion. If something happened to you..." He frowned and ran his hand lightly over her hair. He still wasn't sure that he could protect her... despite her assurances that the chip wouldn't hurt him anymore, and he didn't want to take any chances with the Slayer's friends -- one lucky thrust of a stake could crush his hopes of starting a new life with Dru. The Scoobies killing Dru, or Dru killing the Scoobies -- both scenarios were disturbing to Spike.

"Nothing's gonna happen to me, my love. Don't you fret." Dru nibbled at his chin. "Now, where were we? Ah, yes! We were gonna go on a hunt! Just like old times."

Spike was excited at the prospect of hunting again. No... it wasn't only 'excitement'. There was anxiety too. Why would he be hesitant or afraid? This is what he'd wished for, thousands of times, since he'd gotten chipped.

_'It's 'cos I've been conditioned by the bloody chip, that's what it is -- like Pavlov's bloody dog! Biting someone equals pain. Those bastards will pay for what they've done to me... But I can do it; I can get past this... skittishness. I can be who I was -- what I was -- before any of this happened. Just like Dru said.'_

It was more than that and he knew it, whether he wanted to acknowledge it or not. Being corrected by the chip was a valid concern (if Dru's hypnotic talents proved no match for technology), but he'd also promised himself not long ago that he'd try to change his ways -- for Buffy. 

_'Why am I even thinking about that bitch?'_ Spike asked himself, shaken that his thoughts had turned to her, yet again. _'I don't need her and her shit anymore! Letting her treat me like dirt all this time... Her and her bloody groupies will be lucky if Dru and I don't slaughter the lot of them before we leave for greener pastures! I hope Buffy's alright... wonder where she ran off to...?'_ Spike growled softly and clenched his jaw, trying with all his might not to care about Buffy's welfare. _'Oh God... am I going to go completely sack of hammers before this is over?'_

"What hunting ground should we try first, Spike?" Dru asked, running her hands up his arms. She could sense his ambivalence, fear, and hesitation, but she knew she could help him get back on the right path.

"I've got a better idea, why don't we just leave town together right now? I'll just grab some of my stuff and --" Spike started toward the lower level, but Drusilla took him by the arm.

"Not yet. Patience, my sweet."

Spike blew out a frustrated breath. "But the longer we stick around... Something _always_ comes along to fuck up our plans in this bloody town."

"You mean, _her_. You're worried the Slayer will try to ruin it."

"She will," Spike said with grave certainty. "If she gets wind that you're back in town, she'll come after you... after _us_. I told you she's lookin' for who did the train killings."

"Everything will come up pennywhistles and moonbeams!" Dru laughed and smiled. "I _know_ it will be alright." She tapped lightly on her forehead. "Trust your princess."

Spike closed his eyes and nodded, smiling slightly. "Yeah, okay. I'll just... trust you."

Drusilla walked around the room, thinking. "Let's try that club everyone in this rat hole of a town seems to like, the Bronze, for starters. Lots of tasties for us to sample there." She closed her eyes and slowly rolled her shoulders, moving to a tune in her head. "All burstin' with alcohol and hormones, just waitin' for us to come to the buffet."

Of course, the word "buffet" made him think of Buffy again. Part of Spike was whooping with joy at the prospect of hunting again. But... he found himself filled with trepidation too. If he killed in Buffy's town, she would come after him. He would have to kill her or be killed himself.

Spike felt a myriad of emotions at once. He felt dread and sadness at the thought of having to kill Buffy -- he knew he couldn't do it. He couldn't just pretend he didn't love her anymore. And then he felt shame and anger because he _should_ be able to do it. Damn that Slayer! Every time he thought of her, it made him revert to thinking like a weak-willed pansy again.

"You mustn't worry so, my William," Dru said soothingly as she danced over to him. "You're a magnificent, savage beast." She put her hands on his chest and slid them up around his neck. "I can't wait to see you bein' all properly savage again." She growled lustily and lightly bit at his cheek.

"Yeah... it's gonna be... brilliant! Can't wait to get back to... to being my true self again." Spike tried psyching himself up, his voice getting husky and deeper. "I'm not confused about where I fit in anymore -- I'm a creature of the night, I'm a killer. I'm dangerous... I'm _evil_."

"Ohh yes, yes you are," Drusilla moaned, gripping his shoulders. "You'll rip, and tear, and shred, and bathe in the blood of the innocent once again." She took his hand and led him to the door, excited at the thought of seeing Spike feed again. 

Spike stopped and let go of her hand. "Wait."

Drusilla turned back to him, worried that he was losing his resolve. "Why? What's wrong?"

"I need to... slip into something more comfortable first," Spike said, looking down at his clothes. 

He'd worn these unusual clothes (unusual for him, anyway) to try to be different... to try to look "normal", to show that he wasn't the same Spike who'd come to town and tried to slay the Slayer, to show that he had changed. He needed to slip into his old clothes, which would help him slip into his old persona again. No more pretending he was something he wasn't; no more trying to change to please someone he had no chance of pleasing. William the Bloody was back.

"Ooh, the coat!" Drusilla grinned and clapped her hands. "Yes please, I want to see you in the coat again! Oh, how I've missed that!"

Spike smirked. It made him happy to see Dru happy. "Anything for you, baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Additional dialogue from the episodes 'Smashed', written by Drew Z. Greenberg; and 'Crush' written by David Fury


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy watched Drusilla leave the mansion, feeling only a little bit relieved. Yes, the crazy bitch was going to leave her alone for a while, but now Buffy was left helpless, bleeding, and chained up with a bunch of fledgling vampires circling her like vultures in the desert. She saw the hungry looks they were giving her, though they kept at the chores Dru had left for them. 

The numerous places on her body where Dru had cut her were hot and stinging, Buffy's left hand was thumping and screaming with pain; she felt like she had a split lip, a black eye, and maybe a few bruised or cracked ribs, too.

Buffy thought her chances of surviving this weren't looking good...

A male vampire with long, brown hair and a Metallica t-shirt was staring at her longer than the other vamps, he was practically drooling, and he was moving closer. Buffy swallowed a lump of fear -- this vamp would've been easy for her to dust under normal circumstances, but being shackled, beaten, and bleeding were far from normal circumstances. It was terrifying to imagine what might come next: he would attack her, and then the others would be spurred into action and jump on her, as well. Buffy remembered a nature film she'd seen once -- a cow had tried crossing a shallow river in the Amazon, only to be enveloped by a school of hungry piranha. There was nothing left of the cow except bones after the piranhas had finished their feeding frenzy... Was that Buffy's fate -- to end up nothing but a manacled skeleton? 

"What are you lookin' at?" Buffy asked, trying to sound tough and strong.

"Lunch!" the vampire replied with a laugh. 

"Your _Mistress_ left orders that none of you could touch me," Buffy reminded him in as even a voice as she could manage. 

He shrugged, still smiling. "Well, she ain't here right now, is she?"

The one Drusilla had called 'Joshua' shoved the other vampire away from Buffy.

"Hey! What the fuck, man?!" Metallica Vamp cried, stumbling. He turned and growled at Joshua.

"You heard Mistress Dru -- no one goes near the Slayer, except me! Stay away from her or I'll dust your sorry ass. I'm serious!" He pulled a stake out of his jacket to show he wasn't joking.

Metallica Vamp pointed at Buffy. "We've got the fuckin' _Slayer_ chained up in the same room with us -- and we're not going to eat her? Are you fuckin' kiddin' me?!"

"Mistress Drusilla said --"

"'Mistress Dru, Mistress Dru'," Metallica Vamp mocked. "You're 'Mistress Dru' whipped, man! You love her so much, why don't you fuckin' marry her!? She treats you like shit, why would you want to follow her orders?"

"If you can't control your bloodlust around the Slayer, then go outside and help guard the house," Joshua said calmly. Being given authority by Dru had made him feel more confident, and even smarter, than he'd ever felt before; he wanted to make her proud of him. He was enjoying being her second-in-command. "I'm in charge, and I say you aren't touching the Slayer. End of story."

"I can't believe this..." Metallica Vamp addressed the other minions, "Are all of you just gonna go along with what 'orders' you were given?! We're _vampires_! We don't take orders! We can drain the Slayer, and you're gonna pass that up?!"

The others looked tempted, but they were deeply conflicted. But, in the end, they were more afraid of what Drusilla might do to them if they disobeyed her.

"Drusilla ain't even here, and you guys are scared shitless of her? Well, I'm not. I'm gonna have a snack."

Metallica Vamp hadn't taken two steps toward Buffy before Joshua staked him. He looked surprised for a moment, and muttered, "You motherfu-!" and then he burst into a cloud of dust.

Joshua looked at the other minions. "Anyone else want to try snacking on the Slayer?"

They shook their heads and quickly went back to work.

Buffy breathed a sigh of relief. Her fears of being the object of a vampire feeding frenzy faded. It seemed that she'd be 'safe' until Dru returned. 

"Don't relax too much, Slayer," Joshua said with an evil smile as he tucked the stake back into his jacket. "By the end of the night, you might only _wish_ we'd killed you before the Mistress came back. And if your friends show up? It'll be a bloodbath. Oh man, that'll be great!" 

Buffy just glowered at him. She really wanted to say something quippy and insulting -- but she'd heard Dru say that Joshua was allowed to hit her if he wanted to -- so she was keeping mum for now.

"Hey, Dave," Joshua called to another minion. "Bring me that box of decorations over there, would ya?"

'Dave' brought the box over and set it down on the pile of dust formerly known as 'Metallica Vamp'. On the side of the cardboard box, the word 'SLAYER' was written in black magic marker. It was written in that fancy, old-fashioned script found in many of Giles' books -- Buffy guessed that Drusilla had written it herself.

Buffy thought she recognized Dave from back in high school. He had a mop of shaggy blond hair, was wearing faded blue jeans, and a t-shirt with a yellow smiley face with a bleeding bullet hole in the middle of its forehead. Dave was one of the stoners who hung out on the lawn playing Frisbee and smoking weed, if she wasn't mistaken.

"Dude, you're really gonna... put that stuff on her, huh?" Dave asked, looking in the box.

"The Mistress said it was important." Joshua kneeled down and started going through the decorations. 

"You don't think Mistress Dru is kind of..."

Joshua looked sharply up at him. "Don't use the c-word!"

"Huh? No, I was gonna say 'crazy'."

"That _is_ the c-word. Never say that about her... never say the other c-word either. She's been around longer than all of us combined! She's smart, and she's just kind of a... free-spirit, yeah, that's what it's called."

Dave shrugged. "Whatever. Hey, I heard the Slayer has witchy amigos. What if they show up throwing fireballs or something like that at us? That would be a total buzz-kill."

"The Mistress thought of everything." Joshua smiled and took some streamers out of the box. "You remember that weird demon with the purple skin that was here?"

"No way, Dude! You saw it too? I thought I just got hold of some bad 'ludes!"

Joshua rolled his eyes. "He was some kind of guy-witch or wizard or something, whatever they call themselves. Anyway, he put... wards, I think the word was, on the mansion. Anti-magic things. No spells, except for the ones the Mistress allows, will work in or around the property. So we can kill the Slayer's friends real easy while they're trying to conjure their fireballs."

Buffy was more worried now, if being _more_ worried was even possible. If there really were anti-magic wards on the mansion, then a locator spell wouldn't work. And even if her friends did manage to track her down without magic, they would have to face at least ten bloodthirsty vamps (she didn't know how many more could be lurking outside) who were chomping at the bit to kill someone. Buffy's only hope was that Spike would try to help her when Drusilla brought him back with her.

Again, Buffy thought her chances weren't looking good...

She thought about that hallucination or vision (whatever the hell it was) that Drusilla had made her have. The 'Officer and a Gentleman' ending had been weird -- where the hell did that come from? But what was even weirder were the things she thought and felt about Spike in the vision... He'd looked so handsome to her, seemed so brave. She'd cast him as the big hero in her vision -- if only that could be possible in the real world...

Without Dru here interrogating her, Buffy could admit to herself that what she'd felt had been more than simple gratitude toward Spike. Buffy was attracted to him on a physical level, and she sometimes thought if things were different... Illusion Spike might have been capable of love, but that was just a crazy hallucination. Non-hallucinatory soulless vampires still weren't capable of loving anyone. So, that meant that Buffy was up Shit Creek without a paddle -- if Spike didn't love her, he wouldn't care if she died or not.

Why did the thought of him enjoying or taking part in hurting her make her feel so... betrayed? The chip was only holding Spike back, forcing him to make nice with Buffy, her friends, and family. He was like a serial killer in prison -- and it seemed, with Drusilla coming back to him, he'd finally come up for parole. She shouldn't be surprised or feel any sense of betrayal at the thought of Spike wanting to hurt her... he was a soulless fiend, she'd always known this day would come eventually.

Joshua started hanging colorful ribbons and streamers on Buffy's arms and around her neck. 

"What the hell are you doing?" Buffy frowned, trying in vain to move away from him.

"Decorating you." He took a big, shiny purple bow and stuck it on top of Buffy's head. 

She shook her head, trying to get the bow off.

"Don't do that," Joshua said, smacking her on top of the head, and then fixing the bow. "Next time I'll put your lights out, Slayer."

Buffy glared at him. Unfortunately, looks alone couldn't kill, otherwise he would've been dusty.

Joshua continued sticking colorful bows and hanging streamers all over her, and Buffy just had to stay still or risk getting beaten up.

"You see how crazy Dru is, don't you?" Buffy asked him. She didn't hope to win him over and get him on her side, but she just had to ask why any vampire would hitch their wagon to Dru's crazy-ass star.

"Didn't you hear me before when I said no one was allowed to use the c-word about the Mistress?"

"What's your deal? Do you have a crush on her or something?" 

Joshua shrugged and looked away sheepishly.

"Ewww." Buffy grimaced.

"Shut up! She's a lot hotter than you, Slayer!"

"In her _dreams_ maybe," Buffy said. She wasn't conceited, but she thought she was way hotter than Drusilla. Dru was too bony, for one thing.

Dave laughed, admiring how Buffy looked now that she was all decorated. "Totally awesome!"

Joshua stepped back to check his work. "Does she look like a 'bloody rainbow piñata' to you? That's what the Mistress said she wanted her to look like when I was done."

"Did she mean a rainbow piñata that's like bleeding, or did she say 'bloody' like those British dudes say it?" Dave asked.

"Umm... I'm not sure. Mistress Dru wants everything to be perfect for Spike. I hope I don't fuck anything up..." Joshua worried.

"I don't know about that guy... I mean, I totally respect the fact that he's kicked major ass in the past. And coolest of all," he snorted a laugh and looked at Buffy, "he killed two Slayers. But word on the street is that Spike's a traitor to his own kind now. He kills dudes like us just for kicks. And hasn't he helped this chick a few times?" Dave jerked a thumb at Buffy. "That's totally bogus!"

Joshua gave him a warning look. "Don't say anything bad about Spike around Drusilla."

"Hey, _I_ ain't crazy -- I know not to insult Mistress Dru's hunny-bunny right in front of her. But she ain't here. I also heard that Spike's got the hots for the Slayer, it's like he's in love with her or somethin'."

Buffy's eyes went wide. _'Holy shit, does *everyone* think Spike is in love with me?!'_ she thought, shaking her head in disbelief.

"The Mistress wouldn't have come back here for Spike if she wasn't sure about him. She's, like, brilliant -- and psychic! She knows what she's doing."

Dave regarded Buffy. "Well... Mistress D did do _that_ to the Slayer, so I guess you're right. Drusilla is one bad mamma-jamma."

"Didn't I save your sorry ass a few times in high school?" Buffy asked Dave. "And I tossed your Frisbee back to you once. Do you have enough brain cells left to remember high school?"

"Oh yeah, I remember you, Slayer. You 'saved' me from becoming a vampire... for a while, anyway. But you don't know how awesome it is to be a vampire -- you never get old, you've got super-strength, and you live for-freaking-ever. The only drawback is the no sunlight thing... and you gotta smoke a whole shitload of weed to get a good buzz goin'. Other than that, being a vamp is totally bitchin'. So you weren't doin' me no favors by delaying my turning."

Buffy shook her head. "Yeah, and all you have to do in exchange for all those 'gifts' is lose any trace of your humanity, let a demon set up shop in your body, and murder people in cold blood forever and ever."

"You say that like it's a bad thing!" Dave laughed. He elbowed Joshua who was also laughing. 

"You know Drusilla thinks crazy stuff like pixies talk to her, right?" Buffy asked. "She's completely out of her mind -- she could kill any of you at any time for no reason."

Dave stayed silent, looking a little unsettled, like he'd considered that too -- but then, he'd seen pixies a time or two himself; that Maui Wowie was some good, THC-infested shit.

Joshua growled at her. "Shut up, Slayer!"

"Drusilla could kill any one of you on a whim -- like maybe a pixie or a leprechaun will tell her to stake you," Buffy said, raising her voice to let the others hear. "There's not a whole lotta job security working for a crazy bit--"

And that was all Buffy was able to say before Joshua punched her in the face and knocked her out.

"That was fun," he said, and then brought his fist to his mouth and licked the traces of her blood off his knuckles. "Dave, could you program the CD player? The song list is right next to the stereo."

* * *

The atmosphere was tense at the Summers' house. 

Everyone was getting more worried about Buffy. More time had gone by with no sign of or word from the Slayer. She would have called to at least check in at home by now. They knew that Buffy was concerned about her family (with Glory trying to hunt down the Key), so it was strange that Buffy wouldn't call to see if all was quiet on the home front if she planned on being out late on patrol. 

They felt even more discouraged when Willow and Tara's locator spell went wonky -- it showed several possible locations on the map of the city where Buffy could be. One of those spots of light on the map was right about where Spike's crypt was located. 

The Scoobies didn't know it, but Drusilla's anti-magic wards were what made the spell go wrong. The spell bounced off the magical barrier at the mansion, and instead of showing Buffy's current location, all of the other places Buffy had been over the last day lit up on the map. The witches couldn't be sure what had caused the spell to go wonky.

Joyce and Dawn went into the kitchen together to make some more of that calming Chamomile tea. 

With the Summers women out of earshot, Xander had the chance to pose a frightening, bone chilling question that made him sick to even suggest: Did the multiple locations mean that Buffy could be... in _pieces_ around the city? 

But Willow and Tara assured him that the lights on the map wouldn't be so bright if Buffy was dead; the lights would be dim; the brightness of the lights was reassuring. Buffy could be in a place where magic didn't work, or she could be near, or wearing, an object that 'scrambled' spells.

Xander was still convinced that Spike had something to do with Buffy's disappearance. The others agreed that a return visit to the crypt was in order, since the crypt was one of the sites that lit up on the map. This time they would have to _insist_ that Spike let them in; they had to be sure Buffy wasn't there. And if Spike was cleared as a 'suspect', he might prove useful in finding Buffy -- maybe he could track her with his vampire senses.

In the kitchen, Joyce was trying her best not to totally freak out, but it wasn't easy. Spike had told the others that he hadn't even seen Buffy this evening. So... where could she be? As she'd said earlier, Joyce just had a _feeling_ that something was wrong, that Buffy was in danger. 

"Why don't I go talk to Spike?" Dawn suggested as she poured a cup of tea for her mother. "He likes me better than the rest of the Scoobies, and I think he trusts me."

"Absolutely not," Joyce said, shaking her head. 

"Mom, if they're sure that Spike knows something, I can get him to tell me what it is."

"I already have one missing daughter, I'm not letting you out of this house. You're staying right here where I know you're safe." She put her arms protectively around Dawn and hugged her, kissing the top of her head.

"You don't really think Spike did something to Buffy, do you?" Dawn asked. "I know he wouldn't hurt her, Mom."

Joyce took a breath. "I don't want to believe that he would hurt her... but he _is_ a vampire. And he has tried to kill Buffy before..."

"He has the chip -- he _can't_ hurt her."

"But the others said that Spike was acting suspiciously..." Joyce sat down at the kitchen island.

Dawn shrugged. "It might be about something totally unrelated to Buffy. Xander's always trying to bust Spike's bal... chops about something. And Spike just didn't want to get hassled by Xander for some dumb thing."

Joyce nodded, then glanced at Dawn out of the corner of her eye. "Bust his bal-chops, huh? Nice save, kiddo."

Dawn smiled slightly for a moment, but then got serious again. "I think we should treat Spike as part of the team, not a suspect. He can help us find Buffy."

"You think Spike's in love with Buffy, right?" Joyce asked. 

Dawn nodded. She was sure of it, unfortunately. It sucked to be into a guy who only had eyes for your perfect older sister.

"If he cares for her, then why didn't he offer to help look for her when they went to his crypt earlier?" Joyce wondered.

Dawn thought about that for a few seconds. "I guess it could be... because Spike knows how tough Buffy is, and he just wasn't worried about her. He probably thought we were being too overprotective and paranoid. He knows Buffy can take care of herself."

"That does make sense..." If anyone knew how truly tough Buffy was, it was Spike. Buffy had kicked his ass several times, he knew firsthand that Buffy could handle herself. Joyce sighed, but smiled a bit. "How did you get so smart?"

Dawn smiled and shrugged. "It runs in the family." 

Dawn was trying to take some advice Spike had given her and focus on who (and what) she was now, and not dwell on what she'd started out as. Dawn always had the best talks with him. Spike was so insightful (as well as incredibly hot). She knew he couldn't have anything to do with Buffy's disappearance. She'd banished that small amount of doubt that Xander's rantings had caused, she was sure again -- Spike would _not_ hurt Buffy. And when the 'Mystery of the Missing Slayer' was solved, and everyone knew for certain that Spike was 'innocent', Dawn would make sure to say 'I told you so' a hundred times to the others who doubted him -- especially Xander.

* * *

Spike tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and bopped his head to the beat as he drove through the dark streets of Sunnydale. 'Helter Skelter' by the Beatles was blasting from the DeSoto's speakers. Drusilla was positively beaming and doing the space jam in the passenger seat.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Helter Skelter - The Beatles ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=av4x6nZlefc)

}}

"Ooh, I just love how gruff and growly pretty Paul sounds on this song," Dru said.

"Yeah, it's a bloody brilliant tune, alright. Proves the Beatles could kick some serious ass when they wanted to."

Spike was trying to stay in a Big Bad state of mind, but Buffy's name and face kept popping up in his head. He wondered if the Scoobies had found the Slayer yet. She was probably home by now... It was strange to think he'd never see Buffy again after tonight -- assuming there wouldn't be a violent confrontation before he and Dru hit the road. Buffy had been such a big part of his life for the last few years, she was more important to him than she'd ever suspected. Thoughts of her had dominated his mind since he'd met her, at first wanting to best her in battle, and then he was just head-over-heels in love with her.

_'Yeah, and where has that gotten you?'_ his inner voice asked. _'You've had to redefine pain since you met that bitch. Leave any thoughts of her and any sentiment for her behind. Move the bloody hell on with your unlife. You've got Dru back, she's all you need.'_

Spike gripped the steering wheel and swallowed, doing his best to banish all of his doubts and fears. All that bollocks was behind him now. Buffy and Sunnyhell would be just memories after tonight. Lovesick, pitiful, Slayer-whipped Spike was dead and gone -- and it was good-riddance, as far as he was concerned! 

Drusilla looked at Spike, slid over in the seat and put her hand on his thigh. He glanced at her, smiled and put his arm around her before focusing back on the road. She could tell her darling boy was in turmoil. It wasn't going to be easy to help Spike find himself again, not after the government crippled him by putting that chip in his head, and that nasty Slayer wormed her way into his brain, too. The pixies and the stars told Drusilla that Spike's fate couldn't be predicted at this time -- he could be his old, beautifully wicked self again, or he could drift further out of Dru's reach, so far away that she wouldn't be able to reach him ever again. Dru intended to make sure it was the former, not the latter. 

"Feelin' peckish, pet?" Dru asked with a smirk.

"Hmm? Oh... yeah, I s'pose."

Dru suddenly changed her mind about going to the Bronze, she couldn't take waiting any longer. And, most of all, she wanted Spike to have a big appetite for the main course. "I think I know what you really want to eat. Let's go to my place instead of that club."

"I thought you wanted to go hunting?" Spike felt a rush of guilt because he was relieved that he wouldn't have to hunt so soon. He was afraid the chip would still correct him... and he was afraid that it _wouldn't_ correct him, too. Letting go of the new identity he'd been trying to forge for himself was proving harder than he thought it would.

"Don't want you fillin' up on bread when the main course is so scrumptious." Dru giggled. "I got somethin' _special_ prepared for you. There's nothing like home cooking, is there? I've got some fun surprises at the mansion."

Spike looked at her briefly, excited and anxious. "What kind of surprises?"

"You'll see." She gave his thigh a lusty squeeze. "Drive to the mansion on Crawford Street -- you know the one."

Spike rolled his eyes, groaning loudly. It figured -- the very last place on his list to check was the one he should've gone to first. He hated that bloody mansion... "Don't fancy seeing that place again, Dru... Why'd you have to set up shop there? That's where everything started goin' wrong. Angelus tormenting me, and me bein' stuck in that bloody wheelchair..."

Dru rested her head on his shoulder and rubbed his thigh. "We'll make some happier memories tonight, sweet William."

"Bloody hell..." Spike let out a weary sigh. "Alright..."

Spike reluctantly made a right turn that would take them onto Crawford Street.

* * *

Spike and Dru arrived at the mansion within a few minutes. He parked in the driveway, where they were greeted by two of Dru's minions who reported that all was well. There had been no intruders during her absence.

Drusilla took Spike's hand and skipped to the front door. "Close your eyes." She grinned and bounced with excitement. 

"Dru, come on, I --"

"Close your pretty eyes, or you won't get your surprise," she sing-songed.

Spike sighed and closed his eyes, smiling slightly. Dru was so full of life, so childlike in her way. He had always found it endearing. "Alright, they're closed."

A minion opened the door for them.

Dru took the extra precaution of covering Spike's eyes with one of her hands as she guided him into the main room.

The minions had colorful party hats on and noisemakers in hand -- they felt stupid, but this is what Dru said they had to do, so they did it. A few lackeys were standing in front of Buffy (as Dru had ordered), so Spike wouldn't be able to see her right away.

The decorations were all hung with care, and the blood punch (made with the blood of some unfortunate humans who had crossed paths with Dru's underlings) was chilled and doctored with vodka and cinnamon (made using Dru's special recipe) and ready to be served.

Drusilla took her hand away from Spike's eyes as she and her minions yelled, "Surprise!"

Spike blinked and looked around, taking in the balloons, streamers, and the big 'Welcome Back, Spike' banner. He smiled and laughed. "What's all this then?"

"It's a party for you, sweet Spike!" Dru exclaimed, throwing her arms around him and hugging him.

Spike hugged her back. "I can't believe you did all this for me, Ducks!" Nobody had done anything like this for him since... well, since the old days when Dru would throw a party for him out of the blue. It made him feel warm inside, and more sure that he'd made the right choice. "Thank you."

Drusilla kissed him, and then pulled back, beaming at him. "I knew you'd be pleased."

"I love it, Dru. But you shouldn't've gone to so much trouble."

"Oh, it wasn't any trouble. It was a delight! My helpers did such a lovely job, don't you think?"

"Yeah, seems like you got hold of some good minions this time 'round, pet." Spike could smell fresh blood in the air. Then he noticed the punch bowl filled with blood and assumed that's what he was smelling. There was so much going on that he didn't focus on the smell of the blood -- if he had concentrated, he would have been able to tell there was more than just common human blood in the room.

Buffy had blinked awake at the sound of the noisemakers and the shouts of "Surprise!" But she kept her head down and pretended to still be unconscious. Her head was ringing and her thoughts were disjointed, it would be best to stay quiet until she could think straight again. She had no idea what was going to happen next. 

Spike was here; she could hear him talking. Buffy wasn't usually a praying woman, but now she did pray that Spike would help her get out of here alive. Though it was more likely that Spike was about to pay her back, _with interest_ , for all of the insults, punches, and slights she'd given him since the chipping. 

"I've got one more _big_ surprise for you, darling," Drusilla said, leading him by the hand toward Buffy. Dru was excited, but she was still afraid that Spike would choose Buffy. Spike's loyalties were leaning heavily toward Dru at the moment, but that could change in the blink of an eye.

Dru motioned for the minions to step away from the Slayer.

"There's more? Pet, you really shouldn't have. All of this is..." Spike trailed off when he saw the girl chained in the archway. Besides being chained and slashed all over her body, the poor thing had the extra humiliation of being covered in festive streamers and bows. This girl, no doubt, was meant to be his first kill. He tensed, his anxiety about killing was back.

Spike tried psyching himself up again. _'Right, I can do this. I'm a vampire -- killing is what I do. I can do it... just like riding a bike. Not like I've forgotten how. It's just..._ ' His thoughts screeched to a halt when the realization came upon him. He couldn't see the unconscious girl's face, but her scent was unmistakable now that he was closer to her.

"...Buffy," Spike whispered, stunned. 

"Do you like your fantastic present? Innit pretty?" Drusilla asked, smiling and studying his reaction. "I got it just for you. It's like Christmas, Boxing Day, and Guy Fawkes Day all rolled into one!"

Seeing Buffy like this did not fill him with the joy it would have when he'd first arrived in Sunnydale... What he was feeling was the opposite of joy. So many questions crowded his mind, he couldn't get one full thought to form. Spike's mouth worked silently, opening and closing a few times.

"I knew you'd be gobsmacked," Dru said. "Are you impressed with me?" She ran her hand up his arm to get his attention.

Spike glanced at Dru, but it was difficult to take his eyes away from Buffy. "Impressed... yeah... that's a word for it. Is she...?" He was afraid to finish the sentence.

"No, she's not dead... yet!" Dru laughed. "I didn't want her to die 'fore you got here, my pet -- that wouldn't have made a very nice present for your homecoming."

"How did you... How'd you manage to do this?"

"I've got my ways..." She smiled, looking very pleased with her successful capture of the Slayer. "A girl's got to keep some mystery. She'll be your third Slayer and my second -- I'm catchin' up to you, my darling, deadly boy." She giggled. "Next Slayer is all yours, I promise."

He wanted to go to Buffy and wake her up, to see if she was even coherent at this point. Someone had obviously been working Buffy over. "Did you let your helpers cut her up?" Spike asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"Oh no, I wanted that honor for m'self. I cut and slashed her, and had me a few licks of her delectable blood while I was at it. It's soooo good, Spike," Dru moaned, rubbing her stomach. Then she pointed to Buffy's stomach. "Look at the pretty picture I made. Me an' you, happy together again."

"Yeah... it's lovely. So you did that to her, and then you came to talk to me?"

Dru nodded.

"You left her hangin' here with these halfwits 'guarding' her?" Spike swept his hand around the room, indicating her minions. "They could've killed her! It's a bloody miracle they didn't!" The thought of Buffy being tormented by Dru's minions enraged Spike. It was just lucky that they appeared to fear Dru more than they wanted a taste of the Slayer.

"You do worry too much, my love. Oh, here's Joshua!" Dru pulled Joshua over. "Joshua helped me capture the Slayer, and he supervised the decorations. He did the Slayer's pretty ribbons an' bows himself, didn't you?"

Joshua nodded. "I had to punch her and knock her out, Mistress. She was running her mouth. You said it would be okay."

"That's fine, Joshua. I know how irritatin' it is to have her shrill voice nattering away at you."

Joshua extended his hand to Spike. "It's an honor to meet you, Spike. You're legendary!"

Spike clenched his jaw and looked at Joshua's hand, then looked back up into his eyes. All he could think was that this pissant had punched Buffy and hung all that crazy shit on her. He wanted to dust Joshua where he stood.

Joshua lowered his hand when he saw it wasn't going to be shaken. 

Drusilla pouted. "Aww, Spike, don't be rude. He's a good boy." Dru patted Joshua on the head like she would a puppy, then she whispered to him, "Spike's just all emotional from the surprise party, don't take it personal-like. Be a pet an' go start the music."

Joshua nodded and went to the CD player.

Spike looked at Buffy again. What was he going to do? 

"Look who else is here to celebrate," Dru said, going over to Miss Edith and picking her up. She grinned and held the doll up in front of Spike's face.

He leaned back, away from the doll. "Oh, good... Miss Edith's here."

"And she's chuffed to bits to see you and me together again!" Dru hugged the doll and spun in a circle. "Every girl dreams that her mummy and daddy will reunite." She set Miss Edith back down, making sure the doll had a good view of Buffy. "She's been extra good, so she gets to watch the Slayer suffer."

Buffy raised her head just as Spike looked back at her. They stared at each other for several moments without saying anything.

"Spike... please help me," Buffy whispered plaintively.

He stared at her for a moment, then looked quickly at Dru, and then back to Buffy. His eyes looked shiny with unshed tears, turning a lighter shade of blue. Her beautiful face was scratched and marked. It broke his heart to see her looking so... small and defeated. He whispered, "I'm sorry, Buffy..."

Dru was suddenly there with them, draping her arms over Spike's shoulders from behind and smiling evilly at Buffy; Spike's eyes were glued to the beaten and bruised Slayer, as well, but he wasn't smiling. "Ooh, look who's awake! I'll have one of my boys fetch a sturdy stick. We can whack her with the stick 'til the candy comes spilling out."

"No... no sticks," Spike said, then cleared his throat as he tried to act nonchalant and pry his eyes off Buffy. He began looking everywhere -- anywhere, but at the Slayer that was shackled and hanging in front of him.

Dru walked her fingers up Spike's arms like spiders. "Can't wait to get to the pièce de résistance -- the time for the screams and rivers of blood is always the happiest of all." Dru closed her eyes and cooed when the music started playing. 

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Linger - The Cranberries ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3b7cr5khBvg)

}}

"Mmmm, such a pretty song, full of love and misery. Dance with me before we feast, my sweet Spike." Dru smiled and pulled him into the center of the room with her.

Spike was hesitant to leave Buffy where she was. "Dru, we need to t--"

"Dance first, _then_ bloodshed."

Buffy closed her eyes and lowered her head. Spike wasn't going to help her. She could tell that he cared about her, she could see it in his eyes when he looked at her, but it seemed that he just didn't care _enough_. Had she really expected that he'd go against Dru to help her? That image of Spike as the hero of her hallucination flashed in her mind and she felt tears threaten her eyes -- he was a hero, alright -- Dru's hero, not hers. Buffy bit the inside of her cheek to stave off the tears of disappointment... they could kill her, but she'd be damned if she'd give them the satisfaction of seeing her cry.

Dru put her arms around Spike, and he wrapped his arms around her waist. They started slowly swaying to the music. Spike turned his head, his eyes were drawn, as if magnetized, to Buffy. Dru put her hand on his cheek and turned his face back to hers. She kissed him softly, and then closed her eyes and rested her head on his shoulder, touching her hand to the back of his neck as they danced. 

Spike screwed his eyes shut and held her in his arms, willing the warring voices in his head to go silent. Tonight proved that God (or whoever it was that was running the show) really did hate Spike.

The music washed over them; the words meant something different to each of them.

For Dru, the song made her think of how she was willing to look past Spike's love for the Slayer. She loved him so much that she couldn't help herself, she had to have him back by her side, even though Spike had betrayed her. His heart and mind were awhirl with the Slayer. In any case, the Slayer, and Spike's feelings for her, would cease to be issues by the end of the night.

Drusilla _knew_ a lot of things, but she was oblivious to just how crushed Spike had been when she'd left him. She still felt that _she_ was the wronged party because she knew he'd fallen for the Slayer. Spike had plotted with Buffy to kill Angelus and break up their happy family -- Spike's loyalty had shifted on that black day. But Dru was about to make everything right again.

Dru turned in his arms, pressing her back against his chest, and holding his arms around her middle. She let her head fall back onto his shoulder and continued swaying with him.

For Spike, the song made him think of how easily he'd let Dru draw him back into her life. He hadn't even put up much resistance, despite how badly she'd hurt him in the past; he hadn't told her how wrong it was of her to completely ignore his suffering when she'd flaunted her relationship with Angelus while Spike was in that wheelchair; he hadn't taken Dru to task for the way she'd so casually discarded him after everything they'd been through together. But how could he possibly turn Dru down when she was offering him everything that had been missing from his life? She was his entire world for such a long time... There was a painful void inside of him ever since the day Drusilla had left him, and that void was finally being filled.

The song also made him think of his feelings for Buffy -- she had him wrapped around her finger, too. No matter how many times she put him down or beat on him, he still loved her. Seeing her bloodied and beaten was like a stake to the heart for him. Spike wished he could take her place in those manacles, and take away her pain... 

He was Love's Bitch, and now there were two women with the power to destroy him from the inside out. Spike was well aware that he had a foolish loyalty to the women he loved, but there wasn't much he could do about it, that's just the way he was wired. Only one of those women wanted and loved him back, though... his choice should be clear.

And if Harmony were there, she would have been able to relate to the song too -- big-time. Though Spike had never made any promises to love her and only her, Harm thought that was implied.

Buffy watched them dancing, meeting Spike's eyes whenever they drifted back to her. She stared back at him, trying to figure out what was going through his mind as he looked at her. His face was kind of blank, which was odd for Spike -- his features were usually very expressive. 

Buffy hated seeing Spike and Dru together like this... for lots of reasons. Was there a touch of jealousy in the mix, too? She thought there might be. That illusion with him rescuing her had brought some secret longing to the surface. It was so confusing...

_♫ But I’m in so deep_  
You know I’m such a fool for you  
You got me wrapped around your finger  
Do you have to let it linger  
Do you have to, do you have to  
Do you have to let it linger ♫ 

Spike looked at Buffy again. She still couldn't quite decipher his emotions from his expression, but his eyes... his intense, blue eyes were locked onto her. Buffy thought his eyes looked sad -- but was that a good thing or a bad thing for her? Was he sad that he was going to have to kill her, or was he sad that he was going to have to go against Dru's wishes to save Buffy's life?

The song ended, and Dru curtsied as the minions applauded.

"Thank you! You're too kind!" Dru curtsied again to the minions on the other side of the room, and then she took Spike's hand. "I've missed dancing with you, my Spike."

"I missed it too, pet," Spike replied in a soft voice.

"Everyone!" Dru called as she led Spike back to Buffy. "It's time! Keep your distance, we need room to work, but you may observe this momentous occasion."

Buffy gulped as they approached her. Would Spike kill her? _Could_ he kill her? Did Drusilla actually fix it so that the chip wouldn't affect him anymore? 

Drusilla turned to Spike. "Start the proceedings, my love. What will it be? You want to play with her with some sharp knives," she gestured to the small table with the cutting implements, "bash and stomp on her, or will you sink your pretty fangs into her?"

"I can't," Spike said faintly, casting his eyes to the floor. When Spike told Buffy he was sorry earlier, he'd meant that he was sorry any of this had happened to her because of him. There was no way in hell he would let Drusilla or anyone else kill Buffy.

Dru narrowed her eyes. She'd been afraid of this... "What?"

He took a breath, looked back up into Dru's eyes, and said louder, "I said, I can't kill her."

"Yes, you _can_ and you _will_!" Drusilla insisted. "You won't get nasty shocks from the chip. Kill her, Spike. Kill her for your princess. You promised to chop her into messes for me... I'm still waiting for you to keep your promise." 

"It's not because of the chip..." He hoped Dru wouldn't make him admit his feelings for Buffy -- especially not _right in front of_ Buffy. 

Drusilla kept her eyes trained on Spike, but addressed the minions, "Everyone, get out! I need to have a heart-to-heart with my William."

The minions shrugged and filed out of the room, disappointed that they weren't going to see the Slayer slain. Joshua decided that he (and a few others) should wait right outside the door, just in case the Mistress needed him. It looked like it might get ugly in there...

"Why don't you unchain me so I can leave, too, and give you two kids some privacy?" Buffy quipped, not expecting to be released, but she had to say it. Making smartass comments helped give her at least the _illusion_ that she wasn't completely helpless.

"Shut your festering gob, you dippy little tramp!" Dru spat.

Buffy frowned. "Hey! _You_ are calling _me_ a tramp!? That's funny! You're the one who was --"

"Are you finally ready to tell the truth, Spike?" Dru asked solemnly. "I knew you were in love with her years ago, but you wouldn't admit it. The stars and pixies told me so... and they've never lied to me."

Spike snorted a laugh and tried to look amused. "Oh please, Dru, don't start with that bollocks again. How could I love _her_?"

Dru arched a feathery eyebrow. "Then why can't you kill her?"

Spike swallowed and tried to think of a good reason. "Her friends... yeah, her friends will be on the warpath when they suss out what's goin' on. There are a couple powerful witches in that group, we shouldn't --"

Drusilla closed her eyes and put her hands to her head, pressing and twisting her knuckles against her temples. "Why must everyone lie!? You're all crying wolf when there is no wolf! The herd will scatter! I cannot abide these fairy tales!"

Spike didn't know what to say -- Dru obviously wasn't buying it. 

She opened her eyes again, looking at him sadly. "I know the naughty, awful voice in your head is telling you to free her. I'll help you make that voice fade away to nothing. And we can be together forever and ever. I'll snuff out her flame and then you'll be all mine again. You'll be free."

"Drusilla... pet, I love _you_. She's nothing to me!" Spike insisted heatedly, waving his arm at Buffy. "Let's just go... leave this cursed town, leave this bloody country!" Spike hoped he could just get Dru and her minions away from Buffy without having to actually fight her, then, first chance he got, he could get word to the Scoobies and they could come help the Slayer.

"We have to get her out of your head, and the only way to do that is to kill her. If she's nothing to you... then you won't mind if I start by plucking out one of her eyes..."

Buffy leaned as far away from Dru as she could, her eyes wide with fear.

Spike seized Dru's wrist before she could touch Buffy. She jerked her head to look at him.

"No," Spike said tightly, his jaw set. "I won't let you hurt her any more."

Dru wrenched her arm out of his grasp. She pouted and backed up a few steps, holding her arm to her chest and rubbing her wrist. "I don't like this, Spike... The band is playing out of tune... the tuba and bassoon have fallen out of step and the castanets are tap-tap-tapping on my brain..."

"I'm sorry. I can't let you do it." Spike stepped in front of Buffy, in case Dru lunged for her again. He'd decided while dancing with Dru that it would be his _last_ dance with her. His choice had really been made the moment he'd seen Buffy chained in the archway. Seeing her like that made it impossible for him to ignore his feelings for her. He knew he had to get her out of this place any way he could. He wouldn't be able to live with himself if Buffy died, either by his hand or Drusilla's. He still loved Dru, but... he realized in that moment that he loved Buffy even more. 

Buffy was shocked that Spike was actually doing it; he was trying to protect her. 

"And you still claim not to love her!?" Dru shouted accusingly. "You should be popping corn and pulling up a chair to watch the matinee. You should be joining me in the sweet torture!"

Drusilla covered her eyes with her hands and screamed with anguish, making both Spike and Buffy jump. "She's wiggling in your brain like an earthworm! I cut her in half and she grows again!"

Spike hated seeing Drusilla so distressed because of him. He was always the one to calm her, to give her anything she wanted just so she'd smile and be happy again. But he wouldn't be able to do it this time. The women he loved were pulling him apart, pulling his heart apart, and it was excruciating. "Please, pet... don't make me --"

"Admit it, Spike." Dru lowered her hands to her sides and growled. "Say the words. I'll kill her right this second if you don't admit it." She had to make him admit the truth. After all, everyone knows that admitting you have a problem is the first step to recovery.

Spike couldn't look at Buffy... This was going to be humiliating. "Alright! Yes! I..." He forced the words out slowly, "Yes... I do love her. And I can't let you hurt her, Dru. I just... can't."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! :D
> 
> 'Linger' lyrics by Noel Hogan/Dolores Mary O'Riordan


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst ahoy!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy closed her eyes for a moment, letting Spike's admission sink in. It wasn't a theory or just popular opinion anymore, Spike said that he loved her. There was no way he would say that to Drusilla if he didn't really mean it. She still couldn't understand how he could possibly love her (taking into account both their history, and the fact that he was a soulless demon), but the way he was standing up for her proved that he really did.

There were a million questions Buffy wanted the answers to. And she really wished she could've talked to Spike in private about the whole 'love' thing without crazy-ass Drusilla threatening to kill her.

Dru had to take a few moments to compose herself. She covered her mouth with her hand, looking as if she might be violently ill. She knew that he loved the Slayer, of course, but actually hearing him say the words made bile rise in her throat. But she calmed down, telling herself that it was a good thing that Spike finally stopped telling porkies. Now she could help him see the way to rid himself of the sickness of being in love with the Slayer.

Spike blinked away tears. "I know hearing that hurts you, Dru... and I'm sorry for that. I'm so bloody sorry... I never wanted to hurt you."

"I saw her all around you... invading your thoughts and dreams. I knew it before you did..." Dru mumbled.

"Yeah... you did know it before I did. I didn't realize it until... later." He didn't want to mention the dream that had made his feelings for Buffy crystal clear to him. Spike kept his eyes on Drusilla, he was too afraid to see Buffy's reaction to his declaration. It would kill him to see the disgust that was, no doubt, present on her face -- it would hurt much worse than when Cecily had spurned him. "I swear to you, pet, back in Brazil, I had no idea I was in love with... I wasn't lying to you when I denied it. I really didn't know..."

Dru took a breath and shook her head. "It's good that you said it... Yes... it's _good_. Now you can begin to heal."

Spike's brow furrowed. "Heal?"

"From your disease, loving her is a horrible, horrible disease. Angel had the same sickness, but I couldn't save him... I have the cure at my fingertips now, I can make you well. I can't be with you as long as she lives," Dru said gravely.

"And I can't be with you if you kill her. Decide which thing you want more -- me, or killing the Slayer -- because you can't have both." Spike squared his shoulders, trying to be strong.

Dru joined her hands under her chin, as if in prayer. "One flows into another, Spike -- like a river to the sea. The universe demands the Slayer's death. And only then will love and fragrant blossoms return. The stars... they whisper to me, telling me how it must be."

Spike growled and looked around, needing to destroy something. He picked up a vase of flowers on a stand near Buffy, and then threw it against the far wall where it shattered. Dru put her hands up in front of her face and flinched. "You had to wait 'til _now_ to want me again?! I bloody well _begged_ you to stay with me back in Brazil -- and you spit in my face!"

"I had to make peace with it all, Spike," Dru said reasonably, slowly lowering her hands from her face.

"I deserved better treatment than that! I loved you... I loved my black goddess, unreservedly, for over a hundred bloody years. You were my Sire, my lover, my whole bloody world... I would've done _anything_ for you!"

"You betrayed me with her!" Dru yelled, pointing a shaking hand at Buffy.

"I bloody well did _not_!" Spike fired back, at first thinking she'd meant 'betrayed' in the sexual sense.

"It started when you went against me and Angelus... We were your family, your blood, and you turned your back on us... Worse! You took her side against us!"

Spike started pacing back and forth in front of Buffy. He and Drusilla had had this row more than once right before they'd gone their separate ways. "The truce with Buffy... I did that for _us_! How many bloody times do I have to explain it?! Angelus comin' back was the worst thing that ever happened to us!"

"And I did this," she pointed to Buffy, "for _us_ , as well. But you've got to play your part, too, for it to work, my love. You've got to finish her."

Spike purposely switched to another subject quickly. "If you and Darla really do plan on trying to bring Angel back over to the dark side, then you can bloody well do it without me! I hate both of the bastard's personalities, but at least when he's all soul-havin', he wants nothing to do with any of us."

It wasn't easy for Drusilla to give up on her dream of being a big, happy family again, but she had to finesse Spike, promise him whatever he wanted, just as long as he pledged his love to her again. She could convince him to reunite with their family later, if need be; she could convince Spike of anything, given enough time. "If that's what you want... then we don't have to go back to L.A. You and me bein' together again is what matters most. We can go anywhere in the world you fancy goin'. Now... kill her so we can be on our way and start a new, grand chapter of our lives together." Dru looked hungrily at Buffy, imagining seeing Spike rip the girl's beating heart out of her chest.

"I'll go away with you... go wherever you want, do whatever you want. I love you, Dru." He walked up to her and put his arms around her. "Please, baby, let's just get out of this sodding town -- get as far away as we can, and never think about it again! Let's just leave her here and go!" Spike put his hands on the sides of Drusilla's face and kissed her frantically, desperately.

Dru whimpered, squeezing her eyes shut and then shaking her head violently. She growled and pushed him away as tears ran down her face. "No! Don't you dare touch or kiss me when your mind is consumed with her! Your lips are acid, burning holes in my face! It burns!" she cried, wiping madly at face. 

"Dru, pet... please..." He tried to touch her, but she knocked his hands away.

"Killing that girl is the only thing that can set you free! If you don't make the right decision here and now, she'll destroy you! I've seen it happen in my visions!"

"...You've seen Buffy kill me in your visions?" Spike asked after a short pause. That troubled him a bit... Drusilla's visions usually came true.

"I saw lots of nasty things happen to you..." Dru closed her eyes and took a calming breath. "There are many possible futures for all of us, depends on which twists and turns we take on the path. But all yours... all your possibilities end horribly, my sweet Spike, if you choose her. You understand why she has to die now?"

Buffy's eyes darted between them as they argued; she'd never felt so powerless. Her fate was being decided right in front of her. "Spike, I wouldn't --"

Dru snarled at her. "Shut up! Don't wanna hear anything out of you, Slayer. 'Cept for your screams as my Spike drains every last drop of blood from your steaming carcass."

"You're discussing whether I live or die -- I have a right to talk!" Buffy yelled.

"You have no _rights_ , whatsoever." Dru put her hand up to block out the sight of Buffy, as she'd done to Harmony back at the crypt. She looked at Spike, shutting Buffy out for the moment. She could see that he was disturbed that, by saving Buffy, he would be dooming himself. "You doubt it can happen, my love? You think she wouldn't kill you or let you die to save herself or one of her little friends? She'd do it in a heartbeat." Drusilla snapped her fingers. "I pulled you out of that burning church," she reminded him. " _She_ put you in that wheelchair you hated so much. _She_ would have loved it if you'd perished in those flames. _I_ took care of you while you were healing. Don't that tell you who you belong with? Remember what she did to you."

Spike shook his head. "Nothing wrong with my memory; I remember all of it... I also remember -- while I was being held captive in that bloody wheelchair -- how you made it no secret that you were shagging Angelus. He took _great_ delight in taunting me with it." Spike's wavering voice and tight face showed how hurt and bitterly disappointed he'd been with Dru's actions back then. "And you just _let it happen_... You were blind to how unhappy, how tormented, I was." 

"I know what you're doin'," Dru said, then clucked her tongue. "Trying to argue 'bout anything else, rather than dwell on my visions of your horrible death, courtesy of the Slayer."

"You think I'm just making this shit up for the sake of arguing?! You think you acting like a giddy schoolgirl with him -- flaunting the fact that you were letting Angelus have his way with you, and grinding my face in the dirt -- didn't rip my heart out?!" Spike asked incredulously. 

"Never meant to hurt you, my Spike..." Dru pouted.

"Well... you _did_. And, if you love me like you say you do, you should've known..." Spike laughed humorlessly. "You know every other bloody thing that's goin' on in the world, so why didn't you know I was miserable? Or is it that you just didn't care?" He put his hands over his eyes, rubbing them and trying to hold the tears in. Shedding tears wouldn't do anything but make him look like a weak nancy-boy in front of the women he loved.

Drusilla had one more peaceful tactic to try. "What possible catastrophe came crashing down from heaven and brought this dashing stranger to tears?" she asked in a soft, sweet voice.

Spike's hands fell away from his face, he looked at her and tilted his head as more pain gripped his mind and heart at that memory. The tears he'd tried keeping at bay slid down his face.

"Do you remember those words, pretty William?"

"'Course I do," he replied thickly. "First words you ever spoke to me..."

She smiled and touched his face. "I rescued you. I delivered you into the world. You are, and have always been, _mine_ \-- not hers, not anyone else's. You were meant for me, and I for you. No one ever loved or understood you like I do..."

Spike stared into her eyes, which seemed to be getting brighter and wider. He realized that she was attempting to use her psychic abilities to make him more compliant. He closed his eyes and turned his face away, clenching his jaw. "Don't do that to me, Dru! Don't use that shit on me!"

She frowned and stepped back from him. "I wasn't doin' nothing... Just talkin' to you, is all."

"You bloody well know what you were doing," Spike said in a growl. "Same thing you did to me in that alley a million years ago. Everything you said hit me where I lived, but you used that little something extra to keep me from screaming and running off and convince me I wanted what you were offering."

Dru became indignant, stomping a foot on the floor. "Oh, you wanted it! I _know_ you wanted it! Don't you dare pretend you didn't! You said _yes_ without a second thought when I offered it to you."

Buffy thought Drusilla sounded like a rapist trying to justify what they'd done by telling their victim that they'd 'asked for it'. Very few human beings would ask to be turned if they knew everything it entailed. But Drusilla had been a victim once upon a time herself... A victim in a long line of victims. Spike (or rather, William) couldn't have had any idea what he was really saying yes to.

Spike looked back at Dru. "Yeah, I wanted it... Didn't know exactly what _it_ was, but..."

"I would've had you one way or the other, sweet William. Would you prefer I'd skipped the sugary, buttery talk and pounced on you to take what I wanted? I could have taken you roughly, shredded and ripped your sweet flesh... but I didn't want it to be that way." Dru put her hand to his face again and caressed his cheek, gently wiping away his tears. "The burning baby fish swimming 'round your head have turned into piranha... I only want to save you again, my pet. I was the only one who saw your worth back then, and I'm the only one who can lead you back to your destiny now." 

Spike leaned into her hand, gazing at her and smiling wistfully as he remembered how he'd felt back then; Drusilla was his savior. He would have amounted to nothing without her. He might have even killed himself, feeling as devastated and humiliated as he had on that night, if Dru hadn't found him.

Buffy was worried Dru could change his mind by bringing those kinds of things up. Spike had told Buffy once how profound and wonderful becoming a vampire had been for him. He obviously thought of it as the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he had Dru to thank for his transformation.

Dru smiled at Spike, continuing to stroke his cheek. "I wanted to be gentle with my little lamb when I found you in that alleyway. I wanted to ease you into death as if into a warm bath, and then I waited under the stars in anticipation for you to be reborn. Yes, I had to use my gifts to make you more... open to what I was offering. But you wanted it, you know you did."

"I didn't know what I was saying yes to, but I felt that it was... that _you_ were my destiny."

"I _am_ your destiny, Spike. You and me, together -- that's the way it's meant to be. Don't be confused by the fluffy bits of tail who swish their hips and flaunt their wares at you." Drusilla flicked a finger at Buffy, like flicking away an insect, but kept eye contact with Spike as she spoke. "I made it possible for the _real_ William to make his presence felt in this world. Remember the sweet kiss of my fangs and how it made you swoon?" She moved her hand to the left side of his neck, slowly running her fingertips over the spot where she'd bitten him. "Remember how your body surged with power when you awoke from your deep slumber? You can feel that way again, my beautiful William..."

"Yes..." Spike whispered, recalling that overwhelming sense of power and strength he'd felt upon awakening. It had been an awesome feeling -- going from being a shy weakling, to feeling like a powerful, bold man for the very first time.

Buffy had to speak up, Spike was sounding and looking all swoony. "Spike, don't let her hypnotize you!"

Dru growled and whipped her head to the side to glare at Buffy -- breaking the trance. "Thought I told you to shut your gob?!"

Spike blinked and stepped away from Dru, shaking his head to clear it. "Bloody hell, you were doing it again, Dru! Stop trying to control me like that!"

"I'm trying to save you from yourself! Why can't you see that, Spike? The Slayer must die. If you won't do it, I will." Dru took a step toward Buffy.

Spike stepped in front of Buffy again with a grim expression on his face, his eyes shimmering with tears. "No. Don't make me fight you, Dru. I don't want to hurt you... but I will. I'm sorry..."

Tears glistened in Drusilla's eyes, too. "Don't be sorry... just be mine again. Be my lovely Spike again." She reached out and touched his face, stroking his cheekbone with a finger. "Please..."

Buffy wanted to hurl an insult at Drusilla or laugh at her, but something kept Buffy from speaking. The atmosphere in the room felt heavy and thick with the emotions emanating from the two vampires. Buffy felt fairly overwhelmed with emotion herself. Even after how horribly she'd treated him, he was choosing her over Dru. Spike really did love her, and he was trying to protect her from the former love of his life.

"You really think she'd want you?" Dru asked, becoming cold and dropping her hand from his face. She was lying to him -- along with visions of his demise at the Slayer's hand, she'd had stomach-churning visions in which Buffy and Spike were shagging like bunnies. But Dru had to say and do whatever she could to change his mind; she had to get him back, she had to get her family back. As a rule, Dru didn't tell tales, but little white lies were okay in desperate situations like these. "You think she would ever let you _touch_ her? You're _nothing_ to her -- you're less than nothing... She can't desire you 'cos it's _wrong_. She thinks you're _beneath_ her."

"Stop it," Spike said, closing his eyes and putting his hands to his head. "Stop yanking thoughts from my mind!"

"She said those very words to you, didn't she? Yes... she did. Beneath her." Drusilla giggled, nibbled at her thumbnail and batted her eyes at him. "But not beneath her in the fun pony ride way. She meant it the other way -- less than her, not worthy. And that's **all** you'll ever be to her, William. Why are you trying to protect this mongrel? All she's done is cause you pain!"

"If you think I'm doing this because I... _expect_ anything from her, you're slipping. I know she could never love me, I know my love will never be returned... But that doesn't change how I feel about her. My thoughts starting to get too murky for you to read, are they?" 

Drusilla whined and pouted. It upset her that her powers of persuasion hadn't worked on Spike. She didn't want to have to resort to violence with him...

"I'm through playing games... It's over." Spike took a breath, and then asked, "Where's the key to her cuffs? I'm walking out of here now -- and I'm taking Buffy with me."

Buffy perked up. It was coming to a head -- Spike would have to fight Dru, or Dru would let him take Buffy out of the mansion. Buffy felt hopeful for the first time all night. She was sure Spike could take Drusilla in a fight. Hell, he'd nearly beat her more than once before he was chipped.

"The key is right in here, all snuggly-wuggly," Dru said, patting her bosom. 

Spike's eyes went to her cleavage. She'd tucked the key into her dress for safekeeping, eh? 

"But that bad, naughty Slayer isn't leaving this house alive. Don't make me hurt _you_ , sweet William. I don't want to... but I _will_."

Spike grabbed Dru by the shoulders and shook her roughly. "Give me the bloody key, or I'll rip your dress off to get it!" he shouted.

"Ooh yes! You know I like it rough!" Dru exclaimed, seeming to laugh and cry at the same time. "Is it Saint Swithun's day already?!"

Buffy strained against her manacles, wishing she could jump in and whoop Drusilla's ass. Besides the fact that Buffy would just plain _enjoy_ kicking Dru's ass, she knew how hard this had to be for Spike. Buffy knew the pain of having to fight someone you loved, too.

Drusilla hissed and scratched Spike's cheek. He responded by backhanding her across the face. He grabbed Dru again, shaking her and ripping at the bodice of her dress to get the key.

Buffy saw a silver key tumble onto the floor near their feet -- it must have fallen out of Drusilla's dress during the scuffle. It was too far away for Buffy to reach it, even if her arms were free. "The key's on the floor, Spike! Next to your foot!"

He tried holding Drusilla at bay while looking down and searching the floor near his boots. Dru started hitting and scratching at Spike more fiercely. Spike growled and shoved Dru, sending her stumbling away from him and against the buffet-style table the blood punch was on. He bent down quickly to retrieve the key, keeping one eye on Dru at the same time.

Buffy was so focused on watching Spike and Dru struggle, as well as being excited at the thought that she might get out of the chains soon, that she didn't notice the minions racing in until they were in reach of Spike. "Behind you!" Buffy yelled.

Spike was just starting to turn when Joshua hit him on the back of the head with a crowbar. Spike grunted and fell to his knees. Joshua smiled as he brought the crowbar down on Spike's head and shoulders over and over again. Spike fell onto his side, bringing his arms up to protect his head.

"Leave him alone, you bastard!" Buffy clenched her teeth and screamed in frustration, rattling her chains and causing the cuffs to cut deeper into her flesh. 

Drusilla captured Joshua's wrist before he could hit Spike again. "That's enough. Such a good boy, you are." She smiled and patted him on top of the head. "Was just like when Spike attacked Angelus in this very room... only you're on _my_ side." 

"I thought he might do something stupid, like try to hurt you," Joshua said. "Are you okay, Mistress?"

"I will be... yes." Dru walked in a circle around Spike, looking down on him as she fixed her dress. He hadn't ripped the dress off of her, but it would require some mending. "My Spike has been very naughty. He wouldn't be still, so I have to make him take his medicine with a spanking and a spoonful of sugar. Mummy knows best."

Spike was dazed by the blows to his head, but he was trying with all his might to clear his mind. Buffy wouldn't have a chance of surviving if he was put in chains or dusted.

Four other minions loyal to Drusilla were with Joshua, all looking like they'd enjoy taking a few whacks at Spike too. They surrounded Spike, ready to thrash him if their Mistress ordered it.

Spike went into game-face as he got to his knees and started swinging his fists, hitting groins, knees, whatever he could hit from his position on the floor. Two of the minions shouted and backed away from him, holding their crotches.

"Pick him up," Dru ordered. "Make sure to hold him tight, he'll squiggle and squirm and lash out. The cobra spits his venom when he's cornered."

The other minions got a hold of Spike's arms and hauled him up to his feet. Spike tried shaking their hands off of him and pulling free, but they had a good grip on him, and he was still weak and off his game from getting hit on the head. He snarled at them, and then glowered at Drusilla.

"Call them off, Dru!" Spike demanded through clenched teeth as he tried pulling his arms free. "I'm gettin' _really_ angry now!"

"Shhhh! Bad Spike!" Dru scolded him. "I'd hoped it wouldn't become necessary to take these measures, but you're leavin' me no choice..."

* * *

Drusilla directed her minions to take Spike to the buffet table. They threw him onto the table on his back and held him down.

"What the bloody hell are you doing, Dru!?" Spike shouted, struggling to get away from her helpers.

"Stop thrashing about," Dru said. "This is for your own good, my pet. Bad doggies must be corrected or they never learn. Sit! Stay!"

Spike kicked his legs out, knocking the punch bowl and cups off the end of the table. The bowl crashed to the floor, blood splashed in all directions.

"Now look at what you've done!" Dru huffed. "My punch is ruined! I've got a mind to punish you good for that, Spike! Bad dog! Bad!" she scolded him, shaking a finger toward his face.

Spike kept trying to get out from under the minions' grasps. Finally, all five minions were able to pin him down successfully.

Buffy pulled on her chains, wishing she could do _something_. _'Oh God, they're going to dust him!'_ That thought was painful to her, and not just because it meant she would be also be doomed if Spike died. She just didn't like the thought of Spike being _gone_. She wasn't really sure when she'd come to the realization that him being gone would be bad... After all, wasn't she just talking about dusting him herself earlier that day? But suddenly, the thought of him not being there -- the thought of never seeing him again, made her heart ache.

If only Spike had picked up the key and taken just one of her manacles off... The key -- Buffy didn't see the key on the floor where it had been a minute ago... Had Spike managed to pick it up before Joshua started hitting him with the crowbar? 

Drusilla approached the table, smiling down on Spike. 

Spike bared his teeth and gave her a murderous look. "Stop this, Dru!" He thought she was going to stake him for betraying her, and there wasn't anything he could do to prevent it in his current position -- the minions were holding him securely, he couldn't move. 

"'Fraid I can't do that, Spike. You've shown that the wicked Slayer has too strong a hold on your heart. She cast her net over you and you can't break free -- like a little moth caught in a spider's web, you are. She is a deceptively cunning one, ain't she? But I can still help you... Yes, I can help you be my sweet Spike again..." She leaned down, staring at him.

The song 'Paint It Black' started playing on the stereo -- Dru couldn't have planned the timing better if she'd tried. Yes, she would have her black-hearted, deadly boy back. No silly, mushy feelings for the Slayer, her groupies, or her kinfolk. Dru would help Spike find and embrace the darkness within him again. When she was through, Spike would _insist_ on massacring the lot of them before leaving town. And that would suit Dru _just fine_.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube link:

[ Paint It Black - The Rolling Stones ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1zBG2TEjn4)

}}

Spike thought her eyes were starting to look bigger and brighter... His human visage slid back into place and he slammed his eyes shut. "Don't use it on me again, Dru! Please!" 

Spike hated a lot of things, but being controlled by anyone or anything was at the top of his list. Just the thought of being controlled, having his freewill taken away, terrified him; having the chip was bad enough, but this... this was far worse. 

"His eyelids," Drusilla said calmly, giving one of her minions a tap on the shoulder.

Dave moved around to Spike's head, then paused and looked at Dru. "You mean cut the lids off or hold 'em?"

" _Hold_ them open, you fool! I wouldn't disfigure my beautiful boy!" Dru snapped. Then she smiled down on Spike, affectionately tracing his cheekbone with a sharp fingernail. "Would be like takin' a chisel to Michelangelo's 'David', it would."

Dave nodded and then pressed his thumbs against Spike's eyelids, forcing and holding them open.

"Careful not to hurt his lovely baby blues now," Dru cautioned Dave as he held Spike's eyes open. "Eyeballs go squish so easily. I'd have to pluck out your eyes and make them into kebabs if you spoiled my William."

"Right, no squishing. I totally got this," Dave assured her.

Drusilla had never forced herself into Spike's mind like this before. Any hypnotic 'convincing' she'd done in the past was much more gentle. "Don't do this to me, Dru!" Spike pled again, having no choice but to look at her. The gentle hypnotic suggestions Dru had given him back at the crypt were different than this, he'd welcomed her into his mind then.

"It's your fault -- and the Slayer's -- that I must take these measures, Spike," Dru admonished him. "Trust that I know what's best for you, I always have. Hold still and take your medicine!" Her scowl turned into a smile in an instant. "Ooh, it's like Alex in 'A Clockwork Orange' when he's bein' forced to watch all the nasties on the screen. That's one of our favorite films, innit, Spike? I always did fancy you as Alex, so pretty and blissfully evil," she said, tracing the slash she'd given him on his cheek. "The tin soldiers thought they could muzzle you, train you like a dog. But I'm going to make it right again and put you back as you should be -- as you were always meant to be."

Spike tried turning his head, but he couldn't move. He grit his teeth and looked into Dru's increasingly warm and inviting eyes.

Buffy wanted to shout, to demand, that Dru leave Spike alone... but what would be the point? Like Dru would listen to her? So, she had to just watch impotently as Drusilla attempted to drain Spike of any good qualities he'd developed, any personal growth he'd experienced, since he'd been away from her. How could you claim to be in love with someone and still take away their freewill (and violate them like that) without a second thought?

"It's time we strip away the lies," Dru said softly. "You will be as you were before we came to Sunnydale for the first time. Remember, my darling Spike? You want to swim in the Slayer's blood. You want to make her the third Slayer brought down by your hand. The Slayer of Slayers, you are, and this one is no exception... a beautiful trophy she'll make above the mantel."

Spike growled and panted, trying to fight the thoughts Dru was putting in his mind. He wasn't completely free of his old persona, there was still some of the old Spike (the one who enjoyed and prided himself on being evil) left in him, and Dru was speaking directly to that atrophied part of his mind. It was like stirring up a hornet's nest with a stick -- Spike's dormant evil side was being roused, even more so than it had stirred back at the crypt. Dru was drowning out that other voice in his head, the one that loved Buffy, the one that had been taking steps toward becoming a 'good man'. His struggles lessened the longer Dru talked. It didn't matter how hard he fought it, Dru slashed through his mental defenses like a warm knife through butter.

Drusilla continued speaking sweetly to him. "The only thing you want from the Slayer is her blood. You want to drink from her. You want to gulp down her hot, delicious blood and watch the life run out of her. You want to hear her scream and beg for mercy... you savor her fear as readily as you savor her blood.

"The Slayer was iniquitous and put a spell on you -- a spell designed to make you weak, to make you grovel at her feet like a mangy dog begging for scraps. She laughed at you -- her and her friends, they laughed at your helplessness, made sport of your pain. Her spell made you think you loved her. But you could never love her. You love _me_ , and only me. Now you see it was all a cruel, ugly trick; your eyes have been opened to her lies. You don't love her, you've finally seen through her deception and now you're free -- her spell has been broken."

"My God, Drusilla, you're pathetic, you know that!?" Buffy uttered with disgust. She had to say _something_ , even if it made no difference. "You couldn't be happy with the family of sea monkeys, you had to send for the 'Getting Guys Through Hypnosis' kit in the back of the comic book, instead. It's really sad that the only way you can get Spike on your side is by screwing with his mind!" Buffy was afraid that Dru's manipulation of Spike's mind was working... he wasn't struggling anymore.

Dru ignored Buffy, kept a pleasant smile on her face and her eyes trained on Spike's. She touched Joshua's arm and said, "Be a dear, if she says another word, bash her head in?"

"I'd love to, Mistress." Joshua smiled at Buffy, hoping she'd say something else -- just one word, even a syllable would do. He'd thoroughly enjoyed punching Buffy in the face before, and he'd be happy to do it again -- maybe he'd get more of her blood on him... It was delicious!

Buffy bit her tongue to keep from saying anything in response. This was a nightmare... just when she thought they'd get out of here alive, Dru turned the tables, dashing her hopes again. _'Please fight her, Spike... We're both screwed if you can't resist her...'_ she thought as her eyes remained glued on Spike and Dru and her heart thudded in her chest.

Drusilla touched Spike's lips with a forefinger. "Do you understand?"

"Yes..." Spike whispered.

Dru leaned down and kissed Spike on the lips, and then straightened back up. She motioned for the minions to release him, Dave let go of Spike's eyes and stepped back.

Spike sat up slowly and swung his legs over the edge of the table. He growled, rubbing his eyes and then put a hand to his head. "Bloody hell... what happened?" His skull felt like it was packed with gauze, he felt unfocused like he'd just woken up after a long sleep. "My head is killin' me."

Dru ran her hand up his arm and onto his shoulder. "My boys had to punish an' restrain you. The Slayer made you turn on me."

"She... did?" Spike asked. He was having trouble remembering everything clearly.

"Mmhmm. She cast a spell over you, made you bow and scrape at her feet."

"Yeah... I remember now." Spike slowly turned his head to look at Buffy.

What Buffy saw was not at all encouraging -- Spike's eyes were glassy and cold. His jaw worked as he glared at her, he looked like he wouldn't have a problem with killing her now... It was the same kind of look she remembered getting from him when he'd first arrived in Sunnydale, when he'd hated her.

Spike hopped off of the table and turned to face Joshua. Spike was shorter and slimmer than the ex-football player, but menacing those taller than him had never been difficult. "Hit me with a blunt object, didja?" 

"I'm sorry..." Joshua swallowed hard. He tried to explain, "You were hurting Mistress Dru, I had to --"

Spike laughed and shook his head. "I understand. I wasn't in my right mind at the time, and you were protecting Dru. Her safety's all that's important to me. So I can't be too brassed off, now can I?" 

Joshua smiled uncertainly. 

Spike smiled and clapped Joshua on the back, then put a hand on his shoulder. "No hard feelings, mate."

He breathed out with relief and smiled wider. "Oh good, 'cause I was worried you'd --"

Then Spike clutched the back of Joshua's head and slammed his head down onto the tabletop again and again. Finally, Spike finished by kneeing Joshua in the face and let him fall, barely conscious, to the floor. The git reminded him of Riley Finn, so it hadn't been easy to stop. Riley... now, that was someone Spike would enjoy crossing paths with again _real_ soon...

"Aww, Spike, don't hurt him too much," Dru said, delighted to feel Spike's malevolent and vicious side surging once again. "He was just worried 'bout me."

"Whoa, dude, chill!" Dave exclaimed, holding his hands up in surrender, as he looked at Joshua groaning on the floor. "I thought you said 'no hard feelings'?"

"And now there aren't," Spike said calmly as he straightened the cuffs on his coat. "I didn't twist his head off or stake him, now did I? He just got a little warning, is all -- a love tap, really." He started to turn to Dru, but then rounded on Dave. Spike's brows formed a V. "And who the bloody hell are you?"

"Uh... Aloha! I'm Dave. How's it hangin'?" Dave tensed when Spike put a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't squish your eyes. I was careful..."

"Listen, _Dave_ , you're obviously new to the whole 'minion' thing, so I'll give you a tip: I'm a _Master_ vampire, 've been causing mayhem, destruction, and death for more than a hundred years."

"Yeah, that's soooo gnarly! I was totally stoked when --"

Spike gripped Dave's shoulder tightly, making him wince. "You're a minion; you're a peon. You don't speak to me 'less I speak to you _first_. Comprende?"

"Uh, yeah, okay. I mean, uh, comprend-a-mente, boss. Oh... is it cool for me to be talking now? Or should I just like shut up...?"

Spike rolled his eyes, put his hand over Dave's face and pushed him away. "Idiots... Why are so many minions brain-dead?"

"Never mind them, my love. You're _back_." Drusilla put her arms around his neck. "I've dreamed of this moment... Nothin' could put me in a blue mood now." She licked the bloody scratch on his cheek. "Oh bliss! Bliss and heaven! You are gorgeousness and gorgeous-ity made flesh!" Dru exclaimed joyously, paraphrasing a line from 'A Clockwork Orange'.

Spike put his hands on Dru's waist, lifted her up and spun her around in a circle, making her grin and laugh. He let her slide slowly back down his body until her feet were back on the floor. Spike smiled seductively and wrapped an arm around Dru, pulling her roughly against him. "Feels like I've been asleep for ages... God, I missed you, baby," he said breathlessly.

They started kissing passionately, holding each other and running their hands over the other's body. Dave helped Joshua get up from the floor. The other minions felt kind of awkward, not knowing if they'd get in trouble for watching Spike and the Mistress making out. It was pretty hot, but they didn't want to get _their_ heads slammed onto the table next.

_'God, I hope he's faking...'_ Buffy thought as she watched them. If the 'old Spike' was really back in the driver's seat, Buffy didn't stand a chance. It was gross having to watch Spike and Drusilla tonsil box... and there was that slight twinge of jealousy again. She tried to push that feeling away... that really wasn't the point. The point was, she reminded herself adamantly, if the 'old Spike' was back, Buffy's expiration date had finally arrived.

* * *

Spike and Drusilla parted, smiling and lightly stroking each other a few moments longer.

"We've got time for the ol' in-out later, pretty Spike," Drusilla cooed. "We've got an important matter to attend to first..." She turned her head to look at Buffy.

Spike turned his head and smiled. "Right... some unfinished business with that one." He gave Dru another soft kiss, and then turned to Buffy. "Well, Slayer... how's it feel to have our roles reversed? I finally got out from under your thumb... and now you're securely under mine."

Buffy licked her dry lips, wincing slightly when her tongue passed over the split in her lower lip. "Spike, Dru messed with your mind..."

Spike sauntered closer to her, going into game-face as he walked. "You treated me like something you scraped off the bottom of your shoe. You humiliated me... beat me... taunted me... _mocked_ me at every bloody turn!" He let out a deep, rumbling growl. "You thought you could make me _crawl_ if I loved you. That was actually a clever tactic on your part -- I'm surprised."

Buffy shook her head. "I never tried making you love me. I had no idea you might love me until Dawn told me!" She noticed he seemed to hesitate for a moment at the mention of Dawn's name. "Dawn, you like Dawn, remember? She's always defending you, she's your friend. She says you're the only one who treats her like a real person..."

"Don't talk to me like I'm a bloody mental patient!" Spike dug the heel of his hand into his forehead. Why did the mention of that stupid little girl make him pause? He felt so confused...

"Just more of her tricks, Spike," Dru said. "She made you think you _care_ 'bout her and her family of freaks, so you would protect them with your own life... she wants you to sacrifice your life for them."

"That's not true!" Buffy insisted, keeping her eyes locked on Spike's. 

As Buffy suspected, Spike had faltered when she'd said Dawn's name. He'd actually had affection for Dawn -- but Spike knew now that was a lie too. "You're good, Slayer, I'll give ya that," Spike chuckled. "Makin' me feel anything but contempt and loathing for you and yours... neat trick."

"I didn't do _anything_!" Buffy groaned. "What you felt was all you, Spike. Nobody _made_ you care about me or my sister. Drusilla is the one controlling you right now!"

Spike growled low in his throat. "I'm not your whipping boy anymore. Payback is a bitch, innit, Slayer?" He stuck his tongue out and curled it up over his fangs.

Buffy swallowed as he came within reach of her. "Spike... please don't do this."

He grinned and laughed wickedly. "Ohh yes, beg me some more, Slayer. I _love_ hearin' you beg for mercy! You remember how you made me beg for a bit of food... starving, I was. But that wasn't enough for you... I had to beg ya. Your turn, Slayer. Now say 'Pretty please with sugar on top', an' maybe I won't make it hurt... too bad... or for too long."

"Dru's making you do this! You have to remember!" Buffy struggled to get out of the chains in vain. The pain radiating from her wrists was excruciating, and blood had started running down her arms where the cuffs had cut into her flesh. Buffy continued to pull against the restraints with all her strength, but it was no use -- she couldn't get free. She had to get Spike to snap out of this thrall Dru had him in -- it was her only chance. "She got in your head and made you think you want to kill me!" 

"Oh, but I _do_ want to kill you, Slayer. Don't need no help from anyone else to convince me of that. Killing Slayers is..." He sniffed and smiled, hooking his thumbs into his belt. "Well, it's what you could call a hobby of mine... But you knew that already, yeah?" Spike smirked, pursing his lips slightly and looking quite pleased with himself. "Those crusty ol' Watcher books have a nice summin' up of my glory days, like the Readers' Digest version of my conquests. Well, guess what? Them glory days aren't over just yet."

"You love me -- don't you remember how much you love me?" Buffy hoped to jog his memory. "That crazy loon is manipulating you!"

Spike punched Buffy in the face. She grunted as her head rocked back from the blow and she tasted blood in her mouth from her teeth cutting her lip open again. 

"Bite your tongue!" he growled. "You don't talk 'bout my dark goddess like that, Betty!" He grabbed Buffy by the back of her hair, yanked it and got close enough to snarl into her ear. "You hear me?!"

Buffy yelled and grit her teeth. She looked at Spike out of the corner of her eye. He looked positively evil -- his amber eyes held no warmth or affection for her at all. And there wasn't even a twinge of pain evident on his face from punching her. The chip didn't work... and Buffy's spirits sank impossibly lower. 

"Answer me, bitch!" Spike demanded. 

Another hard pull on her hair made her shout, "Yes, dammit! I hear you!" She never thought she'd be _praying_ for Spike to be in love with her, but the only hope she had of still being alive five minutes from now was for him to shake off Dru's thrall and remember feeling all those things he'd spoken about earlier.

Spike closed his eyes and smiled euphorically. "God, felt so bloody good bein' able to hit you again! I owe it all to my beautiful Drusilla. She said she'd make everything right again... and she has."

Dru was grinning like a maniac and clapping her hands, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet. "Oh, this is the grandest gala ball of them all! I'm getting all the presents I wanted!" 

Spike let go of Buffy's hair and stepped back, smiling at Dru. "S'wonderful to see you so happy, luv. Does my black heart good, it does."

"You know what would make me happier still, don't you, pet?" Dru asked him, her eyes glittering with dark amusement. "Do it, Spike... Kill her!" she said with barely restrained joy and excitement.

Spike looked back to Buffy and tilted his head, his smile and eyes still full of wicked intent. "Number Three, that's how I'll always remember you, Slayer."

"Spike," Buffy tried to delay the inevitable as long as possible, "this isn't how you want it, is it? With me chained up and defenseless? What kind of great battle is that to brag about? Your demon buddies won't think much of you for killing me this way."

Spike thought about that for a moment, then he smirked and shrugged. "I'll lie. The important thing is that you get your ticket stamped -- how doesn't really matter. After all the bullshit you put me through..." His upper lip curled up over his fangs. "All the beat-downs and broken noses, all the belittling, all the insults you hurled my way...Oh, you've had this comin' a long time now, you stuck-up shrew." 

"Yes, make her pay, my darling Spike!" Dru cheered him on. "Make her pay for all of her ill deeds!"

"Y-you remember all that bad stuff I did and said to you -- don't you remember how you loved me?" Buffy asked him, her voice cracking slightly at the end. She felt tears well in her eyes, but they weren’t from fear, they were from hurt and disappointment that the love he had professed just minutes before seemed to be completely erased from his heart. Why did she care? Why did it matter that the love that she hadn’t even known about twenty-four hours ago, or believed in less than an hour ago, was now gone? Buffy blinked the tears back and clenched her jaw, forcing herself to maintain eye contact with him. It only mattered because now he wasn’t helping her, that was the only reason it mattered… right?

Spike's bumpy brow creased, he looked confused for a moment. Then he shook his head rapidly and dug the heel of his hand into his forehead again. "That's... That was a trick! You cast a spell on me -- you made me think and feel things... _disgusting_ things for you!" He spit on the floor. "Was just part of your plan to humiliate and break me!"

"Spike, think! I don't have the power to do that! Drusilla's the one with hocus-pocus hypno powers, not me! And me doing magick of any kind? When have I ever been the least bit witch-y? The closest I’ve ever gotten to using magick was trying that Bacon Genie that cooks bacon in the microwave ‘like magic’! And trust me, that was a miserable failure."

"She had her friends do it, I'll wager!" Dru chimed in. "Those witch friends of hers were all too happy to help her bring you to your knees, my Spike. They _laughed_ at you, they _all_ laughed at you. And maybe she even made those soldiers capture you, told her boy-toy to trap you like an animal -- gave him special, naughty _favors_ for the job, she did."

"None of that is true," Buffy said slowly, looking Spike in the eye. "You have to know it's not true, Spike. Spike, please... _please_ think about this!"

"Get to the ultra-violence, Spike," Drusilla egged him on. She was concerned that he'd paused and had gotten confused a few times. Her thrall shouldn't be wearing off... It was truly disturbing how tight a hold the Slayer had on Spike's mind and heart -- part of him was still fighting this. Just in case it was possible for Spike to come back to his senses, he had to drain the Slayer without further delay -- the only thing that would break the Slayer's spell on him was her blood spilling down his throat. "I want to see you rip her apart. Kill her _now_!"

Spike stood in front of Buffy, close enough to kiss her (if he still wanted to, that is). He tore away some of the streamers and bows from around Buffy's neck to have full access to her throat.

"Yes, unwrap your present, darling!" Dru giggled with excitement.

"Ready for it, Slayer? I'm gonna finish what I started. I _always_ finish what I start." He grabbed a handful of her hair and yanked her head back again, exposing her throat to him. 

"Spike, please don't!" Buffy begged.

Spike opened his jaws wide, preparing to chomp down on her neck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * Additional dialogue from the episode, 'Fool For Love' written by Douglas Petrie


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mucho thanks again to my fabulous beta Passion4Spike for all of her help and suggestions! She’s the bestest! And congrats to her for winning Best Series (for her amazing story, ’Unexpected’) at the Sunnydale Memorial Awards :D
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy's body tensed like a bowstring in anticipation of feeling his fangs pierce her skin.

Spike pulled back and laughed, amused that he finally had Buffy where he wanted her. After all this time, he was finally making the mighty Slayer quake with fear. He still had a handful of her hair, but let up enough for her to be able to raise her head to look at him. He wanted to see her face, to see the fear in her eyes. 

"That's right, luv." Spike's lip twitched up into a sneer. "You should be afraid... _very_ afraid. Took my chipped status for granted for so long, didn't you? Thought you could disregard me, treat me like dirt... 'cos I didn't pose a threat. Muzzled, I was... well, not anymore -- Big Bad's back. Shame you only see the error of your ways right before the end."

Buffy looked into his amber eyes, wishing she could see his crystal blue eyes and the caring and warmth that had been in them earlier. There was nothing but hatred and an evil sort of glee in his eyes now. "I didn't dust you after you were chipped... I easily could have, but I didn't."

"Your mistake! If you had half a brain, you would've taken me out of the picture while you still had the chance, Slayer." Spike chuckled. "Instead of opting for a quick staking, you went the slower route to destroying me, didn't you? You kept me 'round to have someone you could look down on and make you and your pals feel superior, someone you could pummel when you got brassed off, someone you could _control_."

Buffy shook her head, and began to deny the accusations, "That's not --"

"I usually don't enjoy playin' with my food so much... but this is _special_ , innit, luv?" Spike ran an index finger delicately along her jawline. "I think I'll let you linger a bit. How's that sound?"

Buffy stared at him, unsure of what to think. Was he faking being under Dru's spell, after all? Was he intentionally stalling and didn't really want to 'play with his food'? If Spike was acting, he deserved an Oscar.

"Poor little Slayer..." Spike leaned in to sniff her neck and inhaled deeply through his nose. "All alone... no annoying chums to help you out of the bind you're in this time. You'll die miserable, in pain, and _alone_ , just like all the Slayers before you have." He pulled back to smile at her and enjoy the fear in her eyes. "You smell the fear, Dru-pet?" he asked over his shoulder.

"Mmmmhmmm. Simply intoxicating," Dru replied with a shudder, closing her eyes and running her hands down her sides.

"If you could bottle that, you'd be fucking rich," Spike told Buffy, chuckling. "The vamps would be linin' up 'round the block for that fragrance -- Eau du Slayer."

Dru was enjoying the mouth-watering aroma of the Slayer's fear too, but every moment Spike delayed biting her could be costly. "The music is still playing... Why did you stop? Finish her, Spike!"

He growled and turned his head. "I'm doin' this _my_ way, Dru. Just 'cos I haven't dined on a human for a long time doesn't mean I need to be coddled and cosseted and walked through the bloody process!"

"Spike, if you snap out of this, you're going to hate yourself for doing this later..." Buffy said when he turned his attention back to her.

"Not bloody likely, Slayer." His golden eyes moved over her, from her manacled wrists to the picture Dru had made on her stomach, then he looked back into her shiny green eyes. "I want to enjoy this... take my time. Your death won't be a quick one, luv."

Buffy gasped when he pulled her head back again. She stared up at the ceiling, wondering why she'd been dealt such a shitty hand in life. Everything had to be agonizing... falling for and then losing Angel the way she had, losing friends, Riley leaving her -- those were just some of the miserable highlights from her life. And now, Spike. It was just how she'd come to expect her life to work out: she only realized that she had feelings for Spike on the same night that Drusilla mind-fucked him into murdering her... Yep, that was Buffy's luck, alright.

Spike wrapped an arm around her, pulling her body flush against his. He pressed his tongue into the hollow of her throat, and then slowly dragged his tongue upwards, over her chin to her lips. He flicked her split lower lip with the tip of his tongue. 

Buffy groaned, not knowing when the deathblow would come. But it wasn't just fear and dread she was feeling... The way Spike was holding her, feeling his tongue gliding up her neck and flicking at her mouth was making her feel tingly. _'Oh my God, how sick am I?! He's about to kill me, and he's still making me hot!'_

But Buffy went quickly from being shocked by her libido acting up at a time like this, to embracing it. If she was really about to die, what was the harm of getting a few nice tingles in before the end? And she thought it might be possible that her reacting with desire to what Spike was doing might help him shake off Dru's thrall. If she could remind him that he wanted her... perhaps give him a different _fragrance_ to concentrate on... Eau du desire.

"Mmmm, tasty neck you have, Slayer," Spike murmured, licking up the same path he had a few moments ago. 

This time, when Spike's tongue swept up to her lips, Buffy opened her mouth and sucked his tongue inside. Spike's golden eyes widened in surprise, and then fluttered as Buffy's lips and tongue began mauling his.

Buffy ground her lower body against him. She felt like a wanton slut... but it was necessary. He hadn't expected her to do something like this, and she used the way he went motionless with shock to her advantage. Her bottom lip was throbbing -- but that wasn't the _only_ thing that was throbbing. Not that she was doing this for her own pleasure... it was to bring Spike out of the trance. That's all.

Spike growled into her mouth, kissing her harder and holding her tighter. Their tongues tangled together as they plumbed each other's mouth. The traces of her blood in her mouth, combined with what just kissing her did to him, left Spike helpless to fight the urge to give in to his sudden, almost painful, desire.

"Spike!" Drusilla screamed, horrified by the display. "What are you doing?! I told you to rip her to pieces -- not snog her to death!"

Spike opened his eyes and jumped away from Buffy. They were both panting for breath and lightheaded from the sudden rush of lust.

Spike couldn't believe he'd let himself get caught in the Slayer's web again -- he'd forgotten what it was he'd wanted to do when she started kissing him. All thoughts of killing her had been pushed right out of his mind; the only thing he'd wanted was to keep kissing her, touching her... Obviously, part of his mind was still bewitched by the Slayer.

He spit on the ground and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, his look of lust turning into revulsion. "That was a powerful spell you cast on me, Slayer..." Spike said in a low, wavering voice.

"There was no spell," Buffy responded, breathing heavily. "That was just good, old-fashioned lust."

"Kill her!" Dru shouted urgently. "Do it now!"

Spike growled and turned his head to Dru. "Yes, _dear_ , I'm doing it, _dear_!" he replied irritably, imitating the henpecked character of Basil Fawlty. "Shut your gob! I'm gettin' to it!"

Dru whined. Joshua frowned and patted Dru comfortingly on the back.

Spike took a breath, ran his hand back through his hair, and hung his head for a few moments. "I'm sorry, baby... It's just... this devious cow was trying to muddle my thoughts again. I'm a bit tense, is all."

His eyes narrowed at Buffy. "Stop playin' tricks with my mind, Slayer. All you're doin' is making this harder and more painful for yourself."

Buffy's eyes dropped to his groin. "Speaking of _harder_..." she said, managing to cock an eyebrow and give him a naughty smile. She was playing up the lust between them, trying to put her fear and the pain she was in aside. This might be the only way she could reach Spike -- the Spike who loved and wanted her... the Spike that wouldn't kill her.

Spike gulped, pulled his duster closed and glanced guiltily back at Dru. He growled and grabbed Buffy by the hair again, his face just inches from hers. "Shut your mouth, you rancid little..."

"You know you want me, Spike," Buffy whispered huskily. "I want you, too. I've thought about being with you, wondering what it would be like..." She let out a throaty little moan. "I bet you could make me scream... make me cum longer and harder than those limp dicks I was with before..."

Spike gaped at her, not able to form words. His mind and body were captivated with what she was saying and offering.

"You can have me..." Buffy continued. "Get rid of them," her eyes darted to where Dru and the minions were standing, "and you can fuck the hell out of me -- right here, right now. You can kill me... _if_ you still want to after you're done."

Spike swallowed and tried shaking off the trance she'd been putting him in. He sneered, "Never knew you were such a filthy harlot..."

Buffy could tell she was getting to him, despite his attempt at acting indifferent. His glazed, golden eyes kept moving between her lips and her eyes, and, despite the fact that he actually didn't need to breathe, his breathing was coming quicker. "I can be _your_ filthy harlot, Spike. Did you know that Slayers have _special_ muscles? Like nothing you've ever felt before..." Buffy had gleaned that mostly from Faith's bawdy talk. Buffy, herself, had never noticed sex being enhanced in any way because of her Slayerness, and the men she'd been with hadn't mentioned anything especially-special afterwards... She _might_ have special muscles, but she wouldn't know how to go about utilizing them. "I've never been _bad_ before, Spike. Big Bad can teach me how to be bad..."

Spike flinched back when Buffy licked at his mouth. He was very confused again... Part of him was reacting strongly to her words (a part of his mind, and a _particular_ part of his body). She was trying to ensnare him in her trap again, trying to bewitch him. She was still trying to break and humiliate him... Well, he'd show her who was boss.

"You want it, pet?" Spike asked, his voice deep and rumbling. He put a hand on her hip and slid it onto her ass.

"Oh yes, I want it," Buffy said breathily. "I want it so _bad_..."

"Let's try another kind of penetration... see how effective your magickal bugaboo is with my fangs inside ya." Spike grinned at her, flashing his sharp, white teeth, and then swiftly bit down on the crook of her neck.

Buffy gasped and her eyes went wide in panic as his fangs sliced into her flesh. _'Oh God, he's going to kill me!'_ her mind screamed. She thought she'd been making some headway in reaching him... 

Sounds became muffled, as though she were underwater. She thought she could hear Drusilla cheering, some of the minions whistling and clapping, and one of them (she suspected was 'Dave') shout, "Awesome! Totally awesome!" But mostly, all Buffy heard was her pulse thundering in her ears, Spike's animal-like growls, and the slurping sound of him drinking her blood.

And then the pain started to transform into pleasure. It still hurt, but the signals being given by her naughty bits were overwhelming the pain and fear.

"Spike..." Buffy moaned. "Please..." She wasn't sure what she was asking him for -- a quick death, a quick fuck, or for him to let her go. _'Tell him you want him to let you go, you idiot!'_ her mind shouted. "Please, Spike..."

This wasn't a killing bite, Spike had chosen to bite between her shoulder and neck, just to put the bitch in her place and show her she couldn't manipulate him anymore. Spike had intended to give her a nasty bite though -- tear at her skin, make it hurt as much as possible. But for some reason he couldn't bring himself to rip at her, he didn't shake his head with his fangs embedded in her flesh like he'd enjoyed doing with some of his other victims. Something was making him hold back; he was being gentle -- as gentle as biting someone can get, anyway. 

The first pull of her blood into his mouth bombarded his senses. Ambrosia, sweet ambrosia. Fireworks went off inside of him, his mind and body sang with unbridled ecstasy. A rapid slideshow of memories passed before Spike's eyes, accompanied by a flurry of emotions rushing through him. Everything, every moment he'd ever spent with or thinking about Buffy, flashed through his mind.

Spike's eyes had closed in bliss when he'd first bitten into the Slayer's tender flesh, but his eyes shot back open once the memories and emotions registered in his weary mind. Her blood flowing into his mouth (though undeniably delicious) was like a bucket of cold water being dumped over his head, awakening the startled sleeper within him. He realized that he really did love Buffy, it hadn't been a trick; it was Dru that had cast the spell, not Buffy. And now he was taking part in the murder of the woman he loved most in the world...

_'Oh God, no! What the bloody hell am I doing?! Stop! Stop!'_ Spike's mind screamed at him.

He immediately retracted his fangs and stumbled backwards away from Buffy. Buffy was reeling from being bitten, but she felt hopeful again at the look on Spike's face. He looked confused, shocked, and horrified all at once. And it was his human face looking so shocked, not the vampire.

Buffy wasn't in great shape, by any means, but she wasn't near death as she'd feared she would be when Spike stopped feeding from her. In actuality, Spike had only had his teeth in Buffy for about ten to fifteen seconds. Both the vampire and Slayer had been swept away in the sensations; seconds had seemed to stretch into hours.

Spike panted for breath as he tried to calm down, still staring at Buffy with a blank look of horror on his face. He was trembling and trying to piece together how things had gotten so out of control. Drusilla had hypnotized him... he remembered now...

Drusilla hurried over to him. "Spike, what's wrong?" 

"It's just..." He closed his eyes and bowed his head, putting his hands to his head. His mind still felt foggy and confused, but the fog had cleared enough for him to be in control again. "It's a profound experience... doin' a Slayer. I'd forgotten..."

Dru had been worried that he'd snapped out of the trance, but he seemed alright. She laid her hands on his shoulders, massaging them lightly, and stood on her tiptoes to kiss the side of his neck. "Been too long since you tasted the blood of a Slayer, my darling."

Spike nodded, still massaging his forehead, not wanting to meet her eyes and take the chance that she could tell the trance had been broken.

"Don't stop now," Dru urged him. "Play with the bad Slayer some more... but no more snogging." She frowned. "I didn't care for that part... it was rancid... like Christmas pudding at Easter."

Spike raised his head, his vampire features slid back into place. "Right, definitely no more snogging... She was tryin' to work her will on me again, but I fought it." He stepped back up to Buffy, wondering if, and how, he could get both of them out of this alive. 

Buffy tensed when Spike put his arms around her and held her against his body again. It wasn't as easy to read his vampire face as the human one. 

"That was just a brief timeout, _Buffy_ ," Spike said slowly, subtly emphasizing her name. "I was overcome for a moment, but don't get all excited thinkin' I won't finish you off."

Buffy caught the fact that he'd used her name: he didn't say Slayer, luv, Betty (that intentional corruption of her name had especially ticked Buffy off), or one of the other less than flattering things he'd called her this evening.

Spike dipped his head to put his mouth near the bite marks he'd made on her shoulder. He whispered in her ear, "Pretend I'm hurting you..." 

He plastered his mouth over the bleeding marks, feigning biting and feeding off her some more. But Spike was actually only licking the bite he'd made, which would help the bleeding slow to a stop more quickly and aid in healing. He made some angry growling noises and jerked her body to make it seem like he was getting into feeding on her.

Buffy made faces like she was in horrible pain from what he was doing. "Ugggh! Stop! Don't! You sonuvabitch, I'm going to dust your ass!" she cried, putting on a good enough act to make Dru giggle and bounce happily in place. Buffy was in some pain from the injuries Drusilla had already inflicted on her, so it wasn't hard to fake that part of it.

Buffy was almost afraid to get hopeful again -- every other time she'd let herself start getting optimistic tonight, the hope had been snatched away. It wasn't easy to stay 'in character' though, feeling Spike's body against hers and his tongue stroking her skin was making her hot again. _'Wow, I really am a sick puppy...'_ Buffy thought as her body reacted to Spike's touch... it seemed to have an agenda of its own. 

She could only imagine how feverish and horny Spike would be able to make her feel under optimal conditions... without Dru and her stupid minions watching them, without Buffy being slashed, bitten, and in pain. Buffy's mind conjured up a picture of being alone with Spike -- she didn't know if it was in a room she'd been in before, the only feature in the room was a big, black silk-sheeted bed. They were standing near the bed, locked in each other's arms, Spike wearing only his black jeans, and Buffy wearing a satiny, red negligee. Spike was holding her and kissing her passionately, and Buffy was enjoying every moment of it. She moaned and ran her hands up his smooth, muscular arms. And then he was scooping her up in his arms, and carrying her to the bed. He set her down on the bed, and then crawled to her, lowering his body to hers and...

"Ohh Spike," Buffy said in a moan. She opened her eyes and saw Drusilla standing off to the left, and the five minions standing further back in the room. _'Oops... got a little carried away there... Damn...'_ Then Buffy remembered she was supposed to be acting pissed off that he was biting her. "No! No! Stop!" she panted, rattling the chains that were securing her arms. "You bastard!"

When Spike was finally satisfied that the marks would begin to heal rapidly, he backed away from Buffy. He grinned and licked his lips. "Mmmm! Nothin' like Slayer blood to make ya feel on top of the bloody world! Shame there's only one of her and we can only kill her the one time."

Buffy pretended to be a lot weaker and out of it than she actually felt. She drooped in her chains, bowing her head and moaning in pain.

Dru wrapped her arms around Spike's midsection from behind. "Ooh, I loved watchin' you drain her, my deadly boy!" She hugged him tight. Buffy wasn't dead yet, but Spike had fed from her and he was still keen on having more. "You've drank from the fountain and it has restored you, just as I knew it would."

"Dude, is it better than Thai Stick?" Dave asked from behind them. Spike slowly swiveled his head to look at him. "I heard Slayer blood was like..." Dave trailed off at the displeased look on Spike's face.

Spike glared at him. "Y'know, it's funny... I could _swear_ you were just speakin' to me without bein' spoken to again, Spicoli. But that couldn't be... 'cos I already warned you once about that..."

"Oh right, uh... sorry, boss-man!" Dave gave him a military salute. "Hey, you think we can order some 'za and have it delivered? We could totally eat the delivery dude." 

Spike growled. "One more word outta you, and you will have eaten your last slice of 'za and delivery dude. Comprende?"

Dave gulped. "Comprend-a-mente, boss." Then he made a zipping gesture across his mouth. But then he nudged the minion next to him and whispered, "That's our thing -- me and Spike, we're, like, buds."

Spike rolled his eyes, thinking that one thing he hadn't missed since he'd been chipped was having to deal with idiot subordinates... of course, dealing with the Slayer's groupies wasn't much different.

Drusilla splayed her hands on Spike's chest, and then started rubbing in circles, downward. "Mmmm, has the Slayer's blood got you feelin' randy, sweet Spike? Do you have a _big_ present for me, too?"

Spike caught her hands before she could move them below his belt. He turned to her, smiled, and brought her hands to his lips, kissing her knuckles. "We'll make love soon, pet. I'm dyin' to be with you again... But I ain't done with the Slayer quite yet. And this is too marvelous a job to rush." 

He was afraid he'd see that look come across Dru's face, the look that told him she could see through his deception. But her smile didn't falter, she still believed he was under her influence... Spike supposed that all the excitement and the smell of Buffy's blood in the air was throwing Dru off a bit. She'd been extremely intuitive since she'd come to him at the crypt earlier tonight, it worried him that she might be able to see right through him. Had it only been a few hours since Dru had surprised him by showing up at the crypt? It seemed much, much longer than that...

Dru wanted Spike to ravish her just like he'd done after he'd gotten a taste of that Slayer during the Boxer Rebellion. But he was right, Buffy had to be dealt with before any frolicking. It was just so hard to rein in her desire for him. It wouldn't be much longer now, though...

Spike had a notion to order the minions out of the room so he wouldn't have to deal with them _and_ Dru when his cover was blown (as it would be any minute now), but Dru would get suspicious if he suggested the minions leave, and he couldn't have her suspect anything just yet. He just had to forge ahead and hope for the best... Spike wasn't relishing what would be coming next, but getting Buffy safely out of here was the only thing that mattered.

"I want you to end it by ripping her heart from her chest, Spike. That will be the grand finale -- when the brilliant fireworks go off -- _boom, pow, boom!_ \-- and light up the starry sky." Dru brought his hands to her mouth and nibbled at his fingers. "She tried taking your heart, so we can take hers. And we'll feast on it, together... like a ripe hand fruit. Ohh, such sweet poetry..." She closed her eyes and swayed. 

Spike somehow kept the smile on his face. "Lookin' forward to it, Ducks."

He pulled away from Drusilla and approached the drowsy-looking Slayer again. Music had been playing in the background the entire time, though it had been ignored for the most part. There was too much going on to pay attention to songs -- the last one he consciously remembered hearing was 'Paint It Black'.

But Spike had always liked the song that started playing. 

{{

Hear the song at the following link:

[ With or Without You - U2 ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WKdUQD4EBAQ)

}}

It was kind of spooky how accurately the song related to how he felt about Buffy: she frequently made him feel like he was losing his bleedin' mind, she frustrated and infuriated him beyond belief on a regular basis... but, at the same time, she owned a piece of his heart. Spike would do anything for Buffy; he was her willing slave. He would prove to her that she could count on him to be on her side, he would get her out of this mansion, or die trying. 

Spike only hoped that Buffy could find a way to forgive him for the things he'd said and done tonight... especially biting her. He could just imagine how revolted and angry she had to be with him for that. He might get Dru and the minions out of the way only to be staked by Buffy herself for the things he'd done to her. Maybe that's what Dru had seen in her vision? But that was a risk he'd have to take.

What he wouldn't give to be alone with Buffy right now, to share a dance with her to the song instead of the unpleasantness that was about to go down...

Spike put his hands on Buffy's hips, and then sank down to his knees in front of her. He caught Buffy's eyes as he looked up at her from the floor. Her head was still drooping, but he was relieved to see her eyes were bright and alert.

Drusilla's smile turned down at the corners, she wasn't sure what Spike was doing. She smiled again when she saw Spike begin licking lightly at the Slayer's stomach. He was just admiring the family portrait and having another taste -- no worries.

Spike sat back on his heels, shook his head and sighed. "Uh-uh, no. This just won't do."

"What won't do?" Dru asked, her brow furrowed in confusion.

"I've got an idea that'll make it more interesting..." Spike fished the silver key out of his coat pocket, and then quickly started unlocking one of the shackles on Buffy's legs. Yes, he'd been fast enough to pocket the key when he'd had the chance, and he was very glad for it now. 

"What are you doing...?" Icy fingers of dread ran up and down Drusilla's spine. "Spike, stop! Don't unleash that monster!"

"Much as I hate to admit it, the bint was right -- I can't do her like this," Spike said coolly, unlocking the other shackle. "It just ain't in my nature; I need her comin' at me, I need a _fight_. I won't be like one of those so-called 'hunters' that shoot wild animals in pens -- there's no sport in that. Part of the thrill is the challenge involved in defeating a Slayer, and there's no 'challenge' in this."

Buffy flexed the muscles in her legs. She felt woozy and weak, but she thought she'd still be able to do some damage by kicking the shit out of the minions... she'd especially enjoy kicking Joshua's ass. She held her breath waiting to see if Spike would be stopped before he finished unchaining her.

Spike stood and reached up to remove the manacles from Buffy's bleeding wrists. Buffy stayed still and quiet, continuing to act dazed and weak, as she felt Spike unlocking her cuffs. 

"No!" Drusilla tried preventing him from freeing the Slayer, grabbing at his arm. "No! You can't let the sow out of the sty 'til it's ready for slaughter!"

Spike growled and shoved her forcefully away from him. 

Drusilla went pinwheeling backwards, landing on the floor several feet away from Spike and Buffy. Joshua was at Dru's side in an instant, the other minions were just kind of shocked and watched the scene play out.

Dru pointed a trembling hand at Spike. "Stop him!" She whimpered, realizing what was going on now... Her Spike was gone again -- he was the Slayer's whipping boy once more. Dru was dumbfounded by it... Drinking the Slayer's blood should have reminded Spike of who he was meant to be -- not revert to being the Slayer's lickspittle.

The minions charged at Spike. They were afraid of him -- Spike had the reputation of being one of the best of the worst vamps ever to walk the planet -- but there were five of them and only one of him. Those odds made them feel a bit more brave.

"Bugger!" Spike muttered and spun around to face his attackers. He'd been able to free Buffy's left hand, but not the right.

Buffy stopped playing possum, raised her head and braced her legs apart to help her stand up straight. She hoped she'd be able to help Spike somehow. She held tightly onto the chain still attached to her right wrist; Buffy was actually glad that she had something to keep her upright. If it weren't for the chain, she might have just slumped to the floor to watch the fight from down there.

Spike reached behind him thrusting the key at Buffy. She grabbed the key from his hand, sucking in air at the bolts of agony that raced up her arm from trying to use her dislocated fingers. She couldn't hold onto the key and it fell to the floor. "Shit!" Buffy cursed. 

Spike didn't know she'd dropped the key, he had to shift his focus to Dru's underlings running at him. He dropped into a fighting stance, cocking a fist back. But then he surprised the minions by letting out a roar and launching himself at them. He came down in the middle of the pack, bringing four of them down to the floor with him.

Buffy tried bending down to pick up the key, but the remaining chain wouldn't let her bend that far. She strained and grunted, but decided to give up before the cuff bit any further into her already aching wrist. 

Even though she and Spike were still in a lot of danger, she couldn't help pausing to admire what an enthusiastic and powerful fighter he was. He was outnumbered, but he'd dived right into the midst of the oncoming foes. He was on his feet again, punching and kicking furiously. He was getting hit too, but he seemed to absorb the blows and just kept going.

Spike glanced over at Buffy, growling at seeing she was still chained. "What'd you do with the sodding key?!" he asked as he ducked under a minion's swing.

"My damn fingers don't work! I can't hold it!" Buffy defended, holding up her wounded hand.

Spike kicked a minion in the stomach, and then brought his joined fists down on the back of the minion's neck when it doubled over, knocking that one out of the fight for at least a few minutes. "Can you fight, Slayer?"

"If I wasn't stuck over here in left field? Yeah, I think so," Buffy replied, looking up at her manacled hand. Her adrenalin was pumping, helping to temporarily decrease her pain and give her an energy boost.

Joshua swung a fist at Spike. Spike leaned back to avoid the punch (reminding Buffy of that neat thing from 'The Matrix'), then he straightened up as Joshua's momentum carried him past Spike. As Joshua passed, Spike grabbed him by the back of his jacket and pants and threw him toward Buffy.

Buffy smiled evilly as he came skidding at her. Time for a little payback for hanging the bows and other crap on her, and for that punch to her face, too -- can't forget about that. Joshua gasped, trying to stop when he saw he was heading for the 3/4 unchained Slayer.

Buffy turned to the side, put her weight on her right leg and kicked out with the left. Her foot struck Joshua in the center of the chest. He flew through the air, landing all the way across the room on top of the buffet table. The table collapsed under him, leaving him groaning and rolling around amongst the debris.

Drusilla mumbled nonsensically as she rose to her feet. Her dreams were shattered, she would never have her darling Spike back again. Her happy family was lost forever... Spike was now fated to die, thanks to the Slayer and her wicked powers of seduction. Spike had chosen the Slayer...

But Dru could still dip a fly in the ointment by killing Buffy. Dru wouldn't permit her Spike to couple with the Slayer -- she knew Buffy would welcome him into her bed eventually. She'd seen those nauseating scenarios too many times in her mind's eye.

Dru went to the table that held the sharp knives she'd used on Buffy. She hummed 'A Doll's Funeral' by Tchaikovsky as she picked up a dagger with a jagged edge, and tested its sharpness on a fingertip. 

{{

Hear the song at the following link:

[ The Doll's Funeral - Peter Ilyitch Tchaikovsky ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2s0EtHuQYA0)

}}

Another minion had found a machete-type weapon and was swinging it in a frenzy at Spike. The blade swooshed through the air as Spike dodged it again and again -- ducking, bending backwards (that neat 'Matrix' thing again), dodging to the left and right. Spike was frankly astonished that he was able to thrust and parry as well as he was. Tonight, he'd: been beaten about the head and shoulders with a crowbar, been through emotional hell, and mind-fucked by Dru. His brain felt mushy from getting worked over so much. But he was still fighting as if he were in tiptop condition. Spike knew he was fighting so well because of _what_ he was fighting for. How well he fought would decide if Buffy lived or died. Failure was _not_ an option; he had to fight more ferociously than he'd ever fought before. For her.

And, of course, thinking about what he was doing (and how vital it was that he not fail), instead of just letting his instincts direct him, made Spike react a tad too slow to a swing. He didn't back up enough and the minion got a lucky slash in at Spike's stomach. Spike hissed, more angry at himself for losing his concentration than in pain, and refocused on the fight.

Spike ducked under a high swing, grabbed the minion's arm and then swung him face-first into another minion who was getting ready to attack Spike from behind. As those two minions collapsed to the ground, Spike turned to see who was next on his dance card.

The first minion he'd knocked out had gotten back up and was coming at Spike. Spike swooped down to pick up a sharp piece of wood from the broken buffet table as his foe jumped at him. Spike plunged the stake through the minion's chest, and then shook his head to shake off the vamp dust that rained down on him.

And that left Dave as the last minion standing. Dave got amped on violence and bloodshed like any good vampire did, but he didn't like actually being in the brawl himself. He would be happy just to sit on the sidelines, smoking a blunt and drinking a pint of blood, while watching others engaged in life-or-death struggles.

Spike emitted a leonine roar and bared his teeth, his shoulders heaving with exertion.

"Whoa..." Dave held his hands up and walked backwards farther away from Spike. "This shit has seriously harshed my buzz. I, like, quit, man. I am sooo fuckin' outta here... Aloha, dudes!" And with that, Dave ran out the door and there was one less minion to contend with.

Spike thought about chasing down the tosser, but he decided to let that one get away. Protecting Buffy was his main concern, so if the minions hightailed it and ran, that just meant less of them he'd have to waste his time combating.

The two minions got up again, they should have run away too, but they were pissed off and wanted to kill Spike for besting them. They started tussling with Spike again, trading punches and kicks with the older and more skilled vampire. They would rather be on Spike's side in a fight than against him, if only he wasn't on the stupid _Slayer's_ side... He was a little guy, couldn't be more than 5'10", but -- damn! -- he could kick some ass!

Dru looked to make sure Spike was still busy fighting with the minions before she made her way to Buffy. 

Buffy was waiting for Spike to throw another minion her way when she noticed Drusilla walking slowly toward her. Dru seemed to be floating along the parquet floor, coming at Buffy with an insane smile, tears on her face, and brandishing a huge, wicked-looking knife. Buffy's eyes went wide with fear -- but she wasn't defenseless this time, she reminded herself. Doing any punching with her injured hand wasn't an option, but Buffy's legs still worked well enough, and she could actually use the manacled hand for greater leverage. 

Buffy grit her teeth and kicked clumsily at Dru when she came close enough to strike. But Dru was able to get out of kicking range before Buffy's foot could connect. 

"Come on, try it! I'll literally kick your skinny ass!" Buffy declared, still trying to kick Dru. She didn't want Dru getting close enough to stab _or_ try using her hypno powers on her again.

"I don't have to get close to get you with this, Slayer," Dru said, fingering the tip of the knife. "I can just throw it at one of your vitals. I'll throw it good an' hard so it'll stick good an' proper."

The two minions Spike was fighting happened onto the area of the floor near where the punch bowl had been knocked over while they fought with him. One slipped in the pool of blood and pulled the other one down with him. They scrambled and fell on their asses over and over again.

Spike had to resist the urge to stop and laugh at their antics. It was like a really dark Three Stooges short -- vampires and humans alike enjoyed slapstick humor. But the sooner he got them out of the way, the sooner he could get Buffy out of here. Spike put one of the minions out of their misery with his stake, being careful not to slip in the blood himself.

As Spike was about to dust the last remaining minion, he heard Dru and Buffy exchanging words. Fear gripped Spike's heart like a fist -- he should have been concentrating on Drusilla, not her underlings. He should have stayed near Buffy to protect her... 

During the fight, Joshua had gotten back up and run outside to round up the minions that were guarding the house, only to find that they'd taken off. The others had left when they heard the fighting start inside the mansion, they thought the Slayer had gotten free, and they were _not_ sticking around to incur her wrath. He swore he'd dust those assholes if he ever saw them again. How could they leave Mistress Dru?! He ran back to the house to protect her from Spike and the Slayer if he could.

Spike looked over and saw Buffy straining to kick Dru, who was laughing and stabbing a large knife in the air at Buffy.

Buffy was rapidly losing what little energy she had left with the frantic kicking she was doing. She knew she should just try calming down and getting focus-y, to make her strikes count, but she was just so worn down by everything she'd been through. She was nearly out of strength, and that made her feel more panicky.

She needed Spike's help, but she didn't dare take her eyes off Dru to see how Spike's fight was going. "Spike!" Buffy called.

And then he was there, as if he'd just materialized right in front of her.

Spike captured Dru's arm and shook her by it until the dagger fell from her hand. Dru snarled and started punching and scratching at him. Spike gave her a hard shove to get her away from Buffy, and then pursued her. They kept exchanging blows as they moved further away from the exhausted Slayer.

“You’ll regret it, Spike!” Dru growled. “You’ll regret choosing the Slayer over me! She'll be your doom... ashes, Spike... you'll be ashes!" 

Spike grabbed her by the throat, pushing and holding Drusilla against the wall and shutting her up. “You should've let us walk out of here, Dru... It didn’t have to come to this!”

Dru gripped his arm that was holding her against the wall, showing her teeth. “I’ll wriggle free, and I’ll rip her heart out. See how much you can love her once she’s just a lifeless shell!” She grinned evilly, looking past Spike at Buffy.

“I’m sorry,” Spike whispered, and then clenched his jaw and raised the stake in his hand.

“Stop!” Joshua shouted from the other side of the room.

Spike froze and turned his head. He wouldn’t have let that stop him, except that the voice was coming from where Buffy was still chained up. Spike had thought Joshua had run off...

Joshua had an arm wrapped around Buffy’s body from behind and was holding the dagger Drusilla had dropped a minute ago to Buffy’s throat.

"Drop the stake, Spike, or I'll cut your whore a new smile!" Joshua growled. He'd always wanted to use that 'cut someone a new smile' threat, and this was a perfect occasion for it.

Buffy groaned in pain and frustration. The stupid minion had snuck up on her while she’d been resting and had her eyes closed for only a few seconds. And now the tables were turned in Dru’s favor again...

Spike looked at Buffy, then at the knife Joshua was holding against her neck, calculating how fast he could move. 

“If I give the word, he’ll cut her deep,” Dru panted. “Not even you could make it to her in time to stop her blood from gushing like a geyser. We can put on our bathing suits and run through the sprinkler!”

Drusilla was right, from this distance, he wouldn't be able to prevent Buffy's throat from getting slashed. Spike slowly lowered his arm, let go of Dru’s neck and stepped away from her, letting the stake clatter to the floor.

Dru shoved him away. “Bad doggie! You’ve lain with a flea-ridden cur and need to be put down!” She smoothed down her dress and tried to compose herself. "Joshua, when you cut her throat, make sure you press _real hard_ , and don’t stop ’til you hit her hard bony bits." Dru giggled crazily as she moved around Spike, walking backwards toward Joshua and Buffy. She smiled wickedly at Spike, but spoke to her best minion, "Make her look like a Pez dispenser! Sweet, sweet candy..." 

“Alright... let’s calm down now...” Spike said, holding up his hands, as he slowly made his way over to the archway. “Let her go. You want a fight? Fight me.”

Joshua yelled, “Stop right there!” 

Spike halted, not wanting to spook the twitchy blighter into cutting Buffy. 

“Are you okay, Mistress?” Joshua asked.

“My world has crumbled,” Dru moaned, her voice shaking. “My sweet William has gone away... only the creature _she_ created remains.” 

The minion who'd been slippin' and slidin' in the pool of blood was finally able to move away from it and get his bearings. Blood dripped off of him as he hurried over to where Dru and Joshua were. "Sorry, Mistress Dru, I just got hung up in the blood back there," the minion said, jerking his thumb back at the pool of blood. 

Dru rolled her brown eyes and sighed at the bloody minion -- Spike was right about so many of them being daft. "Never mind, you've arrived in time for the coup de grâce... You get to see the Slayer's throat become a lovely, crimson fountain. Do you remember Rome, Spike? We played in the Trevi Fountain at midnight under a crescent moon... we can play again, my Spike... here, now."

“Stop this, Dru!” Spike pled, at his wit’s end. “Haven’t we all suffered enough tonight?!”

She shook her head. “Oh no, never can be enough suffering. Not for her.” 

“Just kill them, Spike!” Buffy said wearily. “I don’t care what happens to me -- as long as you kill them!”

“Shut up, Slayer!” Joshua pressed the knife harder against her throat.

Spike looked between Dru’s, Joshua’s and Buffy’s eyes. He could almost hear the theme from ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’. 

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube link:

[ The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly theme ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQGGQ-FCe_w)

}}

“You realize...” Spike inched closer to them, his blue eyes boring into Joshua’s, “that I’ll rip you to pieces if you cut her, don’t you? I’ll save your head and heart for last so you don’t die too quick... I promise you _immense_ suffering...”

“Yes, but she’ll still be dead,” Dru said bitterly. “It doesn’t matter to you that following her will lead you to your own destruction... Are you really that tired of this world, pretty Spike? Are there no more fountains for you to play in?"

“I would die to protect her... I’ve known that for a while now.” His eyes set on Buffy for a moment. “If that’s my fate... at least I’d go out doin’ something I believed in.” He sniffed and smiled slightly at Dru. “Who wants to live forever, anyway?”

Dru whined and put her hands to her face. It was worse than she’d ever imagined... Spike was completely lost.

Despite the dire circumstances, Buffy managed a small smile for Spike. It completely blew her away that he could say (and mean) something like that. Tonight had shown her that Spike had changed, he had a lot of good in him -- it seemed that his feelings for her brought out the best in him. Buffy swore to herself that she would have a nice talk with Spike about everything... if they could only walk out of here alive. 

Spike moved a little closer. All he needed to do was get close enough to grab Joshua’s arm before the blade could be dragged across Buffy’s throat. “If you let the pillock kill her, Dru... I’ll dust you. You won’t have but five seconds to enjoy your victory.”

"I take no joy in this, Spike... All my joy's been gobbled up and swallowed... just like the Slayer’s gobbled up _my_ Spike -- all that’s left of him are memories and shadows. You’re not the same, you’ve changed in terrible, _awful_ ways... You were going to do it... goin’ to kill me to protect her," Dru pouted, her big brown eyes swimming with tears, her chin trembling.

Spike remembered a time not long ago when that look would have made him do whatever Dru wanted. He couldn't bear seeing her sad and unhappy. And even now, after everything she'd done, it broke his heart. But his mind was made up. "I'm sorry, Dru. I wish it didn't have to be like this. Why couldn't you just stay away from this sodding town?” 

Drusilla closed her eyes and wobbled on her feet, seeing the bad things that would happen to Spike again because of his devotion to the Slayer. The visions were sad and disturbing... but there was a finality to them that she hadn’t felt when she’d had them before. Spike had gone too far down the path, without even a breadcrumb trail to follow back home to her: his destiny was out of Drusilla’s hands now. 

Dru opened her eyes and let out a tremulous sigh, coming to an unhappy decision. “Your fate is written in the stars now, Spike.” She touched Joshua’s arm. “Let her go.”

Joshua did a double-take. “W-what? We’re just... going to give up? But...”

The bloody minion (who was wringing out his shirt) also did a double-take. Things seemed to be going Mistress Dru's way, so why was she backing down?

Dru shook her head and tugged on his arm. “The universe has other plans for them. The pixies will be cross if Spike or the Slayer dies right now. The pixies are ill-tempered, they’ll nibble at your bits while you sleep if you rile them.”

Joshua was confused, but he released Buffy and jumped quickly away from her, in case she tried kicking him. But Buffy didn’t have any energy left to kick him. She did narrow her eyes and give him an intense scowling though.

The moment Dru and her minions moved away from Buffy, Spike rushed to Buffy’s side. He wasn’t sure what it was that made Dru give up so suddenly, but he was glad that it happened, for whatever crazy reason she had for doing it. Buffy looked like she was about ready to pass out. Spike put his arm around her waist to help support her. Buffy threw her free arm around him, sagging against him.

Spike murmured in her ear, "It's alright now, luv. It's over."

Buffy nodded, hoping he was right... she was a little afraid to even think that thought, every other time tonight she'd thought it was over she'd turned out to be gravely mistaken.

Spike raised his hand to Buffy's head, running his hand lightly over her hair and fighting the urge to kiss the top of her head. He was afraid to give her even a gentle touch; he could tell she was in pain just from him holding her around her middle. 

Dru, Joshua, and the bloody minion backed away, going toward the front door of the mansion. It pained Dru to see the way Spike was tending to the Slayer, she could feel his love and devotion pouring out onto that blonde jezebel. Those emotions used to be reserved for only Dru... She had to get out of this cursed town as quickly as she could before it poisoned her mind, as it had poisoned and infected her sweet Spike.

Spike surveyed Buffy's wounds as she leaned on him for support. Blood was flowing from her lip, her wrists, and torso; bruises spotted her visible skin, one of her eyes was swelling and turning purple... The sorry state she was in made Spike want to cry. But there was another emotion building up rapidly within him: rage. 

His eyes welled with tears, his nostrils flared, and the muscles in his jaw ticced as he tried to contain the tempest howling inside of him.

Drusilla and her idiot minions had done this to his Buffy. And worst of all, Dru had gotten into Spike's mind and made him hurt Buffy too. Seeing the bite mark on her shoulder filled Spike with shame and regret, not the pride and jubilation he would have felt just a few short years ago. 

Dru had given up on trying to kill Buffy... But what if a pixie whispered in Dru's ear tomorrow and told her to come back and finish the job? After all, Spike hadn't expected Dru to ever come back to Sunnydale for him. She could change her mind yet again. There was only one way to prevent anything like this from happening to Buffy again: Dusting Drusilla.

“Bring me Miss Edith,” Dru instructed Joshua. She wouldn't be leaving her faithful companion behind this time. “She’s weeping for what’s been lost... Can’t you hear her? I need to comfort the poor lass...”

Joshua nodded and dutifully retrieved Dru’s favorite doll. 

Spike wasn’t letting his guard down yet, he stayed with his arm around Buffy while shooting daggers at Drusilla with his eyes. He divided his attention between looking at Buffy (he was terribly worried about her) and keeping an eye on their retreating foes. If only he could manage to stake Dru before she left...

Just as that thought formed in his mind, Spike's foot bumped into an object on the floor. He looked down and saw a sharp, stake-sized piece of wood by his foot. His eyes moved slowly from the stake to Dru as a plan started to form in his mind.

Spike whispered to Buffy, "Can you stand on your own for a minute?"

Buffy wondered why he wanted to let her go, but she gripped the chain tighter and nodded, pulling herself upright again. She was a super-strong Vampire Slayer, but after the night she'd had, it felt so good just to have Spike hold her. 

Spike saw his opportunity when Drusilla and her minions turned to leave through the door. He quickly crouched down and snatched the stake from the floor. It felt like he was playing a deadly game of darts, a game he was bloody good at. 

It all happened within seconds, but time seemed to standstill from his perspective. Spike saw his life with Drusilla flash before his eyes -- good times, bad times, _rotten_ times. Part of him would always love her, but that chapter of his life was over: Dru had slammed that book shut in his face long ago. Buffy might not be _his_ future, but Spike wanted to make sure Buffy had _a_ future. Dusting Dru, making sure she could never come back and hurt Buffy again, would help guarantee that. He would be protecting Buffy and serving up some good ol' fashioned revenge at the same time. Spike wanted some payback for what had been done to his beautiful, proud Slayer.

Spike cocked his arm back and then flung the stake as hard as he could, grunting with the force and at a twinge of pain in his left shoulder (from getting hit by that damn crowbar).

Dru could feel Spike's rage (which was sadly now directed at her), she knew he was thinking of doing something very naughty. Dru spun around just as Spike let the stake fly from his hand -- his face was a mask of determination and anger. 

Being a Master vamp had its benefits -- one of which was the ability to think quickly with a stake zipping through the air at your heart. Dru didn't have enough time to move, but she did grab the bloody minion and used him as a shield, to let him take the stake meant for her.

The minion gasped as the stake struck him in the back and pierced his heart. "Aw shi--!" he exclaimed, and then exploded into dust.

"Bollocks!" Spike shouted, punching the wall in frustration. He readied himself for battle, moving in front of Buffy and going into a fighting stance.

But Drusilla didn't run at him. She looked more shocked and sad than anything else. 

“Poor Spike... so lost.” Drusilla sniffled. She cuddled Miss Edith, looking dejectedly at Spike. “You've gone too far down the rabbit hole... you've drunk the potion and shriveled up. Even I can’t help you now...”

"Don't come after her again, Dru," Spike said, his jaw set. "Never come back here. I _will_ kill you if you do."

Joshua growled and started toward Spike, but Dru put her hand on Joshua's arm and shook her head. 

"No. Leave him be. The Slayer will make him suffer far worse than anything you or I could do to him..."

"But he tried to kill you -- _twice_ , Mistress!"

"I said, leave him be," Dru said harshly, giving Joshua a look that told him she wouldn't allow it.

Joshua huffed, but he stood down, settling for glaring at Spike.

Drusilla cast one more doleful look at Spike, and then she and Joshua turned and went through the door, leaving Spike and the Slayer to their fates.

And then, at long last, Spike and Buffy were alone in the mansion. They both let out heavy sighs and their shoulders slumped with relief for a few moments, grateful that the longest night of their lives was finally over...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional dialogue from the episode 'Fool For Love', written by Douglas Petrie; and the episode ‘Crush’, written by David Fury
> 
> Thanks to everyone for sticking with me through the long delays between chapters *hugs to all* Looking after my puppy still doesn't allow me much time to write, but I'll do the best I can :)


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Spike steeled himself. "No, I can't let them get away..." He started after Dru and her last remaining minion.

"No! Let them go, Spike," Buffy said tightly.

Spike stopped, surprised by the conviction in her voice; he hadn't expected her to say that, or with so much vehemence. He frowned, looking from Buffy to the door and back again. "But we shouldn't let..."

Buffy shook her head. "Please just let them go," she said, her voice sounding more tired and weaker, but not any less resolved. 

It wasn't that Buffy didn't want Dru and Joshua to be dust in the wind, she was only worried about Spike -- if he went after them, he'd be outnumbered. Not that having the odds against him would normally be a problem for Spike, but he'd taken a lot of punishment this evening. He had to be running on fumes by now, which didn't improve his chances of surviving another fight -- and Dru, despite being a loony bitch, was still a Master vampire and still plenty dangerous.

Spike wasn't keen on letting his enemies live to fight another day, but he'd respect Buffy's wishes. He went to her. "Buffy... you alright?" It was a dumb question (considering what she'd been through), but it was one he had to ask, nonetheless. 

Buffy was breathing hard and barely able to keep her legs under her. "I've never felt better..." she groaned, putting her left arm around him. “Please get this last chain off of me?”

“Right.” Spike looked on the ground and found the key. He picked it up and undid the last cuff. Buffy fell against him, flinging both arms around his neck as her knees buckled, unable to support her full weight.

“Easy, luv. I gotcha.” Spike put his arms around her, closing his eyes and stopping for a moment to give silent thanks to God (or whoever was running the show) for sparing Buffy’s life.

“Do you think they're really gone?” Buffy asked tiredly, resting in his embrace. She was still afraid to get too happy.

“They’re not comin' back.” Spike’s instincts told him Drusilla wouldn’t be back; that last look she’d given him was meant to be final. But he was certain that _if_ she did come back, he wouldn't let her get away again. 

Spike spotted the couch set against the wall (it had been moved there earlier to provide more room for dancing). He picked Buffy up in his arms as carefully as he could, and carried her to the couch.

Buffy held onto him and giggled, starting to hum ‘Up Where We Belong’. 

Spike looked at her when set her down on the couch. “You sure you’re alright?” He didn’t like the crazy sounding giggle and humming (it reminded him too much of Dru); he hoped Buffy's mind hadn't snapped under the stress.

Buffy nodded and sighed, leaning back and resting against the couch. “I’m just feeling kinda... loopy.” She held her injured hand out. “Could you help me pop my fingers back into place? I don’t think they’re broken.”

Spike took her hand, examining and gingerly feeling her fingers to see if there were any breaks. “I don’t think they’re broken either. Brace yourself, it’s gonna hurt a bit.”

Buffy took a deep breath and nodded. Spike put her fingers back how they were supposed to be as fast as he could. Buffy clenched her teeth and groaned. She let out the breath she’d been holding and slumped against the couch cushions when Spike finished.

Buffy looked at her bleeding arms, wrists, and messed up left hand. Then she looked at Spike, cataloguing all the injuries she could see on him. His cheek was cut, his nose and mouth were bloodied, and there was a little bit of blood peeking out at his hairline. And he just looked _so tired_ \-- Buffy could relate to that, too. She snorted and smiled slightly. “Wow, if you look beat up, I can only imagine how I must look.”

“Don’t worry about how you look." Buffy was still beautiful in his eyes. Even beaten and bleeding, she had a beauty, strength, and grace that shone through and dazzled him. "Just try to relax and rest for a few minutes, then I’ll get us out of here. My car's parked out front." 

Despite her pain and weariness, Buffy couldn't keep a smile off her face as she looked at him. She was seeing Spike in a whole new light after what he'd done for her tonight. What he felt for her was more than just some weird obsession or crush, he really did love her. He loved her so much that he'd gone against the woman he'd thought was his destiny, whom he had practically worshipped at one time. He gave up another shot at a life with Drusilla for Buffy, whom he thought couldn't, and wouldn't, ever return his feelings. Spike had actually done the right thing for unselfish reasons... Miracles _could_ happen and soulless vampires could feel love.

Buffy closed her eyes and tried to just rest and gather enough strength to get up and go home. Her body ached in a hundred different places, but none of her wounds felt life-threatening.

While Buffy was taking a few minutes to regroup, Spike tried to finally relax too. He leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. He put his hands over his face, the emotional evening was finally taking its toll on him. Tonight had been a nonstop rollercoaster ride from Hell -- he'd been up in the stratosphere one moment, and then dropped back down into a chasm the next moment, only to go back up and start all over again -- all bloody night. He'd tried to kill Dru... his beloved Drusilla, whom he'd loved and protected for a century. But he'd do it again if he had to, to protect Buffy. It didn't matter what he had to do, he'd do it if it meant Buffy would be safer.

Spike took and then released a shuddery breath, muttering quietly, "Bloody hell..."

Buffy’s eyes opened, she frowned when she saw Spike hunched over with his hands covering his face. She knew how hard what happened must have been for him. Spike had done the right thing tonight, even when he thought he’d had nothing to gain -- in fact, he'd had more to _lose_ by taking Buffy's side. She wouldn't change the outcome, of course, but seeing him distraught tugged at her heartstrings. She leaned forward and touched his arm. "Are _you_ okay?"

Spike sat up and raked his fingers back through his hair, wincing a little when his hands ran over bumps on his head from the crowbar attack. "Yeah... all of it is just hittin' me. This is the first time I've been able to stop and catch my breath... well, you know what I mean. It's been a helluva bloody day... for both of us."

"Do you regret the choice you made?" Buffy hoped that wasn't the reason he looked so despondent, that he was wishing he could go back and change the course of action he'd taken.

Spike frowned and shook his head adamantly, turning to the side to face her. "No. No, don't think I'm regretting it for a second, Buffy. I'd do the same thing in a heartbeat. I only regret that any of it had to happen... at all." He sighed and looked down. "It really wasn't a _choice_... I couldn't let that happen to you. Seeing you like that..." He stopped and swallowed hard, trying to get his emotions under control. "I couldn't stand seeing you like that, and knowing what she intended to do to you..."

He looked back up and they smiled softly at each other, then Spike sniffed and looked away. "We, uh, need to get your wrists and hand wrapped up."

Buffy looked around them for something they could use as bandages.

Spike stood up and shrugged out of his coat. Then he surprised Buffy by ripping his black t-shirt down the front and taking it off.

"What did you do that for?" she asked, raising her eyebrows. Bruises dotted his torso and shoulders, and he had a bleeding slash across his stomach, but Buffy couldn't help admiring what fine shape Spike was in. Very, _very_ fine. Even beaten and bloodied, he was beautiful.

Buffy observed that her warmer and naughtier thoughts about Spike were no longer being censored by or buried in her mind, the thoughts were flowing freely. And it felt wonderful not to be deluding herself anymore. They had been through a lot together in just the last hour; she'd seen a side of Spike that she hadn't seen before, or hadn't allowed herself to see before. There was still a lot of confusion regarding how she felt about him, but she felt so much closer to Spike. Not only that, but she thought she'd like to get even _closer_ to him in the future -- and now it was _okay_ for her to feel that way. 

Spike sat back down and ripped a strip of material from his t-shirt. "I need to make some bandages, and I don't see anything else 'round here I can rip up."

"Ah, okay. I thought you just wanted an excuse to rip off your shirt to show off your fabulous bod," Buffy said with a teasing smile.

Spike smiled and looked down at his bruised and cut torso. "Yeah, I'm especially proud of the fabulous new gash on my stomach."

Buffy touched his abdomen, right above the wound. "Is it bad?"

"It ain't good," he joked, but then shook his head. "Nah, it's not too deep. 'Tis but a scratch. Give me your dainty paw and I'll wrap up your fingers -- keepin' them immobile will help them heal up faster."

Buffy held out her hand and let Spike wrap the makeshift bandage around it. She grimaced at the pain in her hand, but it was over quickly. There was a lot of numbness from her shoulders down to her fingers, but she could still feel well enough for some pain to get through, and now that her circulation was returning, her fingers were starting to throb -- and not in a good way.

Spike tore his t-shirt into more strips, and then started wrapping her wrists. "This'll have to do 'til we have access to a proper medkit. You need to go to the hospital?"

Buffy shook her head. "I don't think there's any major damage. I hate hospitals..." She'd hated hospitals since she was little, but she hated them even more since her mother's health problems started.

"No one likes hospitals, but if you need to go, I'm takin' you. Don't be so bloody stubborn."

She shook her head again. "I know my body, and I don't need a doctor. There's nothing wrong with me that I can't take care of myself, or that you can't help me with. Trust me, I know I can't afford to be stubborn, I have too many people who depend on me... My nifty Slayer healing abilities should have me feeling better in a day or two."

"Alright... but if your mum asks, _I_ offered to take you to see a doc."

Buffy smiled. "Okay, I'll be sure to let my mom know you wanted to take me to the hospital." She thought it was sweet that Spike obviously cared what her mother thought of him. It made Buffy feel like giggling to think that the Big Bad was afraid of what retiring, demure Joyce Summers might do or say to him. He really did care about her family, and that meant the world to Buffy.

Spike let the issue drop, trusting that Buffy would tell him if she felt there was something seriously wrong with her that required a doctor's attention. He finished wrapping her wrists, and then used scraps of his t-shirt to wipe at the places he was bleeding.

Buffy laid back against the end of the couch so she could rest and look at him at the same time. "I didn't see all of it, but I must say that your fighting was very impressive."

Spike smiled bashfully as he wiped blood from his stomach. Her praise meant a lot to him. "Yeah?"

"Uh-huh. And weren't you impressed with the way I hung by one arm and spazz-kicked at Dru?"

He chuckled. "Matter of fact, I _was_ impressed by that."

"You must be easily impressed..."

"Not at all. That you had any juice left to even spazz-kick at anyone was incredibly impressive."

"Wish I could've done more, you had to fight them all by yourself..." Buffy sighed.

"You did what you could, luv."

"Yeah, but I _really_ wanted to whoop their evil asses."

Spike smirked. "I almost feel sorry for the next vamps who cross you -- they're in for a major ass-kicking." His smirk disappeared when his eyes set on the bite marks on her shoulder; he looked away guiltily. "You feel up to leaving yet?"

"Just a few more minutes," Buffy replied, gently rubbing her arms and hands, trying to get more feeling back into them. 

"Your arms hurt a lot?"

"Yeah, my muscles are stiff from being chained up all that time. I'm all pins and needle-y. I think the cuts are already healing a little, though -- yay."

Spike leaned forward, looking at the cuts on her left arm. "Yeah, they're lookin' better. Get some rest, and some food in ya, and..." He trailed off when his eyes moved up to her shoulder and he saw the bite mark again -- his eyes seemed to be magnetized to the damn thing. He sat back and looked away from her.

Buffy wondered why he'd suddenly gone silent and looked mopey. "Spike?"

"I'm sorry, Buffy..." he said quietly.

"For what?"

"For... everything. I'm sorry any of this had to happen to you because of me... Dru hurt you because of me. She blamed you for everything."

"I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for you, Spike. I owe you, big-time."

Even with Buffy's words of gratitude, Spike continued to list things he was sorry for. "I'm sorry I've been a thorn in your side since day one. I'm sorry for all the times I've tried to hurt you. I'm sorry I didn't get you out of those bloody chains the moment I walked in here. I'm sorry that I..."

"You didn't tell Dru to chain me up and try to kill me, did you?"

Spike's brows knit. "'Course not."

"Well, it's not your fault then. So, shut up." Buffy smiled. "The only one responsible for what happened to me is Drusilla."

Spike smiled slightly, but still found it hard to look her in the eye. She was being very charitable and forgiving, but he didn't think he deserved her kindness.

"Why do you still look like you're feeling guilty?" Buffy asked.

"'Cos of what I did to you..." He closed his eyes and let out a slow breath. "I hit you, I said nasty things to you... I _bit_ you... I could've killed you."

"But you didn't kill me. Yeah, you punched and... bit me, but it wasn't your fault -- Dru freaked your mind. She had to have her helper monkeys hold you down while she forced thoughts into your mind. You wouldn't have hurt me if she didn't put you in a trance."

He snorted a laugh at the 'helper monkeys' thing, but then went back to looking sad. “How can you stand to even look at me?” Spike asked, hanging his head.

Buffy sighed. "Have you been listening to me? I don't blame you for anything, Spike. You shouldn't feel guilty." Buffy silently wondered when it was that Spike had developed a conscience and the ability to feel guilty… was it when he fell in love with her or had he been this way all along and she just never took the time to notice? Wasn't having a conscience part of what it meant to have a soul? How was it possible...?

Spike glanced at her. "I thought you'd want to dust me for biting you -- and I wouldn't blame you one bit. I know how... horrible it must've been for you."

"It was scary and it hurt, but..." Buffy was going to say how it had started feeling good, but she stopped herself from admitting that -- it still wigged her that she'd been getting aroused from the biting. "But I don't blame you for it, so you shouldn't blame yourself, either."

"I'm sure your chums will be much less understanding 'bout it. Rupert and Xander will be after me with pointy pieces of wood when they find out I bit you. It won't matter to them what my state-of-mind was at the time."

"Well... they don't have to know it was you that bit me. I can tell them it was Dru."

Spike looked at her, surprised. "You'd lie to them... to protect me?"

"Yes... I would." Buffy didn't want anything bad happening to Spike, especially not at the hands of her (sometimes) trigger-happy friends. They might see the bite marks and decide that Spike needed to pay for it. "You're right, they might not understand... What they don't know can't hurt you, so it can be our little secret."

Spike smiled, touched that she would do that for him. "That's very... Thanks. I know how important your mates are to you. It can't be easy for you to plan on lying to them." 

"I'd like to count you among my friends after what you did for me tonight. You came through for me, Spike. I won't forget it."

He had to stop to swallow a lump of emotion in his throat. "I'd... I'd like that too." Buffy accepting him as her friend was more than he’d ever hoped he’d have with her – he was just sorry for everything that she’d been through to get her to that point.

After a few moments of silence, Buffy said, her voice soft and kind, "Can I ask you something?"

Spike didn't like the sounds of that... He was dreading when she'd want to talk about his love for her (and her lack of love for him). "You're supposed to be restin' -- you could do that more effectively without carryin' on a conversation with me. We can talk about whatever you want later. For now, just rest."

But, of course, Buffy would not be so easily deterred. "I can talk and rest at the same time. Matter of fact, I find talking very relaxing. I've got all these thoughts jumbled up in my brain, and it'll make me feel better to un-jumble some of them."

Spike sighed, resigning himself to the fact that they were going to have 'the talk' whether he wanted to or not. "Alright... what's on your mind, then?" he asked (as if he didn't know). 

"So... the chip didn't give you a shock when you...?"

"No... I didn't feel a thing," Spike said uneasily, he quickly added, "I know my word doesn't mean much, but I give you my word that I won't start snacking on the populace. I turned my back on my old way of life for good tonight... 'Sides, the mojo Dru worked to disable the chip probably wore off by now, anyway."

Part of Buffy (her stubborn side) was still telling her not to put too much trust in Spike so quickly. But her gut was telling her that she _could_ trust him -- and she was choosing to listen to her gut. "Okay, I'll trust you at your word. And you're most likely right about the 'mojo' wearing off. You were able to shake off the thrall she put you in, so... the chip thing was probably temporary too."

There was something else she had to ask. "You didn't... go hunting with Dru before you came here, did you?"

"No, I promise you, I didn't hurt anyone." Spike shook his head, relieved that he hadn't had a chance to take a life. It's very possible that he would have if Dru had taken him to The Bronze as she'd originally planned. He might have been able to talk himself into it. "We came straight here from the crypt."

" _Would_ you have killed someone if you didn't come straight here?" Buffy knew she probably shouldn't have even asked, she should've just let that question go unanswered, but that was one of the many questions weighing on her mind.

Spike took and let out a slow breath. "I... might have." He looked at her, seeing what he assumed was disappointment in her eyes. "I thought Dru was my savior for the second time, I wanted my world to make sense again. I felt so bloody lost and hopeless before she showed up at the crypt... and I thought her comin' back was a sign telling me who I really am -- a monster. I thought I wouldn't have to be confused about who I am anymore. And then she said she wanted me again, that she would love me and make me feel strong, like I used to be...

"But when it came down to it, I was... hesitant to feed on a human again. Got angry with myself for being reluctant -- I'm a bloody vampire, I'm not _supposed to_ have a problem with killing. But I still couldn't shake the feeling that it was wrong. I had to try psyching myself up to do it. Even as I was trying to do that, I kept seeing your face... I didn't want to kill again partly 'cos I knew you'd be... _disappointed_ \-- and I know that's puttin' how you'd feel mildly. You believe me, don't you, Buffy? You believe I didn't kill anyone while I had the chance?"

Buffy nodded, smiling a little. She was relieved he hadn't gone hunting tonight, it would be harder to overlook that and be 'friends' with him. "I believe you, Spike. You showed me something tonight -- there's a lot more to you than I ever thought possible. I'd like to have a friend like you in my corner." The old Buffy with her old attitude (from just a few hours ago) would never believe that Spike hadn't fed on a human if he thought he could do it without pain from the chip. But she really did believe him now. His eyes spoke volumes, she could see he was telling the truth.

Spike was amazed by how _nice_ Buffy was being to him, he didn't know she was capable of this kind of compassion and understanding and trust (directed at him). He still didn't think he deserved her being so nice, but hearing her say she trusted him and wanted to be friends made him feel like he could walk on air. Trust was the foundation of any sort of relationship. Be they just friends, slay-buddies, or lovers -- all of those had to start out with mutual trust.

Buffy closed her eyes and rested for a few minutes -- which gave Spike hope that that would be the end of the conversation for now. His relief, however, was short-lived.

Buffy opened her eyes again, and asked, "How do you really feel about me?" 

Spike looked at her for a moment, and then back down at his hands. "You know how I feel..." he said timidly.

"I heard other people say you loved me, and I heard you tell Drusilla you loved me, but you didn't say it to me." For some reason, it was suddenly important to her to hear him say the words. Spike being in love with her wasn't a scary concept anymore.

"Why do you want me to say it?" Spike asked, his voice strained.

"Because... I think we need to talk to _each other_ , not through or to other people." Buffy sat up and moved a little closer to him, giving him her full attention. "Tell me how you feel, Spike."

She thought he was going to choose not to answer her question at first, he didn't look at her or say anything for close to a minute. But then Spike turned to her and looked her in the eyes, he lightly set his hand over her uninjured one. 

"You really want to know how I feel?" he asked unnecessarily. "'Cos there's no goin' back once I say it."

Buffy nodded, seeing an affection and passion in his eyes that made it impossible to speak at the moment.

"I love you, Buffy," Spike said, his voice deep, slightly rough, and filled with emotion. "You're all I bloody think about. Dream about. You're in my gut... my throat... I'm drowning in you, Summers, I'm drowning in you..."

They gazed at each other, an amazed little smile turned up at the corners of Buffy's mouth. She was feeling distinctly swoony again. No man had ever said anything like that to her before, and it made her feel so... But then she remembered: someone had said those very same words to her tonight -- the imaginary Spike had said it when Dru had been screwing with Buffy's head.

Buffy's expression went from touched to horror-stricken. "Oh my God..." She pulled her hand out from under his and scooted back away from him against the end of the couch.

Spike looked behind him, thinking that she must have seen a minion (who'd lagged behind the others) sneaking up behind him, but there was no one else in the room. "What?" He looked back to Buffy, confused.

Buffy covered her eyes with her hands. "Oh God, no... You did not just say that to me! This isn't happening!"

Spike, of course, thought the worst and believed she was reacting negatively to his heartfelt words. He clenched his jaw, feeling his spirits sinking to an all-time low. He knew Buffy wouldn't welcome his feelings for her, but seeing her look so disturbed about it broke his heart -- how many times could his heart shatter before it was beyond repair? 

He knew how that poor little baldheaded sod Charlie Brown felt when Lucy snatched the football away from him at the last second. Buffy had goaded him into spilling his guts to her, knowing how he felt already, and then she acted like this... How could she be so cruel? Maybe she wanted to get the message across that his feelings would never be returned. Or maybe she just didn't have the energy left to be tactful. Were her words earlier lies -- that they could be friends? That she trusted him? Was she just leading him down the primrose path in order to pull the rug out from under his feet, put him back in his place, at the last moment -- just like Lucy did to Charlie Brown with the sodding football?

Spike thought he'd be emotionally numb by now after the night's events, but Buffy rejecting him and his feelings this way made white-hot pain explode inside of him. It took an effort not to wilt and crumble to the floor -- but he would not let her see how much she'd hurt him.

Spike stood up, eager to put an end to this maddening, and ultimately severely depressing, evening. "Come on, Slayer, I'll take you home. Just... Just forget I said a bloody word."

Buffy uncovered her eyes. "Spike, you don't understand... I mean, this isn't happening -- it isn't _real_."

He looked at her and cocked an eyebrow. "Come again?"

"It isn't real, it's just another illusion! Drusilla did the same thing to me before..." Buffy's eyes darted around the room as paranoia gripped her. "I'm still in the first hallucination... it never ended! I'm going to snap out of it and be chained up again... I _knew_ it was too good to be true!" her voice shook and she felt tears threaten to spill from her eyes. She didn't know if her mind could take it if this was just another one of Dru's tricks.

Spike could see how scared she was, and he felt more guilt for jumping to the wrong conclusion. He wished he could just wrap his arms around her and take away all of her fear and pain. He sat back down with her and touched her knee. "Hey, Buffy, look at me." He gave her knee a small squeeze until her big, green eyes focused back on him. "Buffy, this _is_ happening -- Dru and her minions are gone. It's gonna be alright now, pet. I promise."

She shook her head and said sadly, "No, it can't be real."

"Why not? What makes you so sure?"

"B-because... you said the same exact thing to me -- the thing about how you think about me all the time, how you're... drowning in me. Only it wasn't really you... Dru tricked me into thinking you came to rescue me. What are the odds you'd say the exact same words in an illusion and in the real world? I... I don't think I can do it again, Spike... I can't be chained up again. I don't..." She trailed off, shaking her head as a tear escaped her eye and ran down her cheek.

She sounded more like a scared little girl to him right now than the Chosen One. Spike took her uninjured right hand in his, gently grasping her hand and then caressing it. He silently cursed Drusilla's exceptional mind-fucking skills again. "You feel that? You feel my hand? You feel me touching you? This is real."

Buffy looked down at their joined hands, and then back up into his eyes. "Other stuff felt real too, but it wasn't..."

"Dru senses and knows things she shouldn't through her gift, yeah?"

"Yeah..."

"So, I'm thinking that she must have plucked those words from my brain. God knows, sentiments like that have been runnin' rampant through my mind, especially as of late. Drusilla knew I'd said, or would be saying, those words to you, and she incorporated that into the illusion to make it seem more real."

Buffy sighed, still looking dubious. "I wish I could be sure... I hope 'Up Where We Belong' doesn't start playing out of nowhere and you aren't suddenly wearing a Navy dress uniform..."

Spike raised his brows. "You an' me both. Sounds like quite an illusion Dru put in your head..."

Buffy nodded.

He tried to think of other ways for her to discern one of Drusilla's convincing illusions from reality. "Anything else that might've stood out as odd in the hallucination?"

"Well... you were kind of... glowing."

"I was glowin'?"

"Not a big glow -- not like you were exposed to radiation -- but a soft glow, like they always gave Barbara Walters on her Oscar specials."

"Am I glowin' now?" Spike asked, glancing down at his body while holding his arms out to the sides.

She looked him over. "No..."

"Well, there ya go -- there's one for the 'Not An Illusion' column. Was there anything else that was unusual in hindsight?"

"I didn't feel pain. I was sure my lip was split but when you kissed me, I didn't..." Buffy's eyes widened for a second, she hadn't meant to reveal just how smitten she'd been with him in the illusion.

Spike blinked and stared at her for a moment. "I... kissed you? And you let me?" He thought, _'Bloody hell, I actually envy my hallucination-self...'_

Buffy blushed a little. "Yeah, um... I was grateful to you for helping me, so we kissed."

Spike smiled, pleased (and a bit hopeful) that Buffy seemed to see him as a dashing, heroic figure in the vision she'd had. And she'd given him a kiss -- yes, it was while in the midst of one of Dru's illusions, but it still gave him hope. "I was your dashing hero in your illusion, eh? White horse an' all?" 

"No... there was no horse, but yeah, you were." She smiled a little, remembering, vividly, how handsome he'd looked, and how swoony he'd made her feel. "But that was just some weird fantasy that Dru put in my head."

Spike's smile faded, he looked down and nodded. He knew she didn't see him as her hero when she was in her right mind.

Buffy put her hand gently on his arm, making Spike look back up at her. "But what the _real you_ did was even better. Well... _if_ it is the real you..."

Spike grinned, looking happier (and more adorable) than Buffy could remember ever seeing him look. Then he looked back down at her hand on his arm, he was feeling strangely (for him) shy and humble. He should be enjoying this, acting cocky. "I... just did what I thought was right, y'know? It looks like what I _thought_ was right, and what was _actually_ right meshed up for once. Bloody miracle, it is."

He got an idea, and spoke before he thought it through. "To help prove to you this isn't another illusion, you think we should kiss...?" Then he shook his head, wanting to smack himself for even daring to suggest it. He might spoil everything because he couldn't control his need for her. "Never mind."

"Yeah... I think I should kiss you -- just to see if it hurts."

Spike leaned in, preparing to press his lips gently to hers. Buffy quickly pressed her lips hard against his, and pulled back when pain bloomed in her lip. 

"Oww," Buffy groaned, touching her lip.

Spike blinked. It had been over so fast... he'd wanted to go slow and savor what was probably the only time he'd be allowed to kiss her. "It... uh, hurt, then?"

"Yeah, it did. So... I guess all this is real." Buffy breathed a sigh of relief, finally letting herself believe the nightmare was really over.

Spike rubbed his lower lip. "When you said a 'kiss', I imagined something a little... slower and more... thorough. That's really how I kissed you in the hallucination? My hallucination-self has a lot to learn about how to kiss a lady properly."

"Well... no, the illusion kiss was... much slower and nicer. But I needed to kiss you hard to see if it hurt my lip. Sorry. Maybe... I can give you a good kiss -- after my lip heals up. You know, to thank you for saving my ass..."

Spike smiled, he'd take a gratitude kiss from her any day. "That'd be... great. If you still want to... kiss me after your lip's healed."

"I'm pretty sure I will." Buffy looked away shyly.

Spike sniffed and clapped his hands on top of his thighs. "Well, can we get the hell outta here now? I really hate this place."

Buffy chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I think I'll be okay walking now."

Spike stood up and then helped her to stand. "We only have to walk out to the car, and then it's a smooth, comfortable ride to Revello."

"Sounds good." Buffy looked down at herself. "Oh... I can't go outside in my bra..."

Spike picked up his coat from the couch, then put it over her shoulders. "There."

She smiled at him and pulled the coat closed around her. "Look at you, bein' all chivalrous. Thanks."

"Think nothin' of it, luv," Spike said. "Can't have you catchin' a cold."

"But I'm still bloody... you don't want to get it on your coat." She pouted, clearly intending to put it on, but feeling like she should give him a chance to take it back.

"I'm a vampire, I don't mind havin' blood on my clothes." Spike smirked. 

Buffy carefully put her arms through the sleeves and pulled on the coat with Spike's help. The cuts on her arms and back were stinging like crazy, but it felt good to be covered up again. 

"Wait, your shirt's all ripped up, and I'm wearing your coat -- you're just going to run around all... shirtless?" She would make him run around shirtless all the time if she had a choice in the matter. 

"Better me than you, yeah? And it's not like I can catch a cold. C'mon now, your mum and Dawn are probably worryin' themselves sick."

"Oh... Spike, I can't let them see me like this," Buffy said grimly. "I'm a total bloody, gross mess!"

Spike sighed. "Well, what do you suggest? I've gotta get you home, Buffy."

"Could we... go to your crypt first? You've got stuff like bandages and a place I can wash away some of the blood, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah, if that's what you want to do... But you look completely knackered, luv, you need to get home and into bed and sleep before you fall over."

"I will, but I have to make myself look a little less like an extra from 'Night of the Living Dead' first."

Spike smirked a little. "You're the prettiest zombie I've ever seen, if that's any consolation."

"It ain't," Buffy said, rolling her eyes and smirking a little too.

* * *

Buffy had an arm around Spike (for support, of course) as they exited the mansion. Spike also thought it would be a good idea to take some weapons with them. He took a machete, and Buffy took a stake (a stake was kind of like a weapon version of comfort food for her, she just felt better having one at the ready).

Buffy looked nervously at their surroundings as Spike guided her toward the driveway, she couldn't help but feel paranoid that something else would happen before they could get away.

Spike stopped walking abruptly, Buffy took a step without him before realizing that he'd stopped. 

"Spike? What's..." 

He looked shocked, which then turned into an enraged look, as he stared at something over her shoulder.

"Fucking hell!" Spike shouted and ran past Buffy to the driveway. "What'd they do to my bloody car!?" 

Buffy turned and noticed that the DeSoto parked in the driveway had been vandalized. She went as quickly as she could to where Spike was standing at the side of the car. He growled and gestured wildly with his hands as he took in the damage to his car, too angry to form actual words.

Dru and Joshua, or her other minions, had smashed up the poor DeSoto as a parting gift. The windshield and other windows had been smashed, and the tires were flat. The inside of the car had been torn up, too: the driver's side door was open, revealing the ripped out steering column and slashed seats.

"Son of a bitch!" Spike bellowed and pounded his fist on the roof. He curled his hands into claws and held them out as if he were strangling someone. "If one of those bastards was here, I'd..."

Buffy patted him on the back. "Sorry about your car... but it's not like you paid for it, right?" She thought that might cheer him up, but it didn't.

"Possession is 9/10’s of the soddin' law -- it was _my_ bloody car!" Spike insisted heatedly.

Spike took several deep breaths to try and calm down, he didn't want to stress Buffy out by acting like a lunatic. "How the bloody hell did they do all this without makin' enough noise to wake the dead?"

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know... The walls of the mansion are pretty thick, I guess it muffled the noise and we couldn't hear it."

"I loved this car..." Spike groaned, affectionately petting the hood. "Been through a lot together, we have."

"Maybe it can be fixed?"

"Maybe... but it's not goin' anywhere tonight." Spike looked at Buffy apologetically. "I'm sorry to say it, but it looks like we're walkin'..." He wasn't angry only because his beloved DeSoto was destroyed, he was also pissed off because he had no way of getting the wounded Buffy home as quickly and safely as possible.

"Yeah... I came to the same conclusion. Can't say the prospect of walking fills me with joy, but we don't have much of a choice."

Buffy didn't feel up to walking all the way to Spike's crypt, she was weak and needed to rest. Plus, taking a walk in Sunnydale in the wee hours was practically guaranteed to result in a run-in with a bloodthirsty demon of some kind -- especially with all the blood that covered both of them: it would be like chumming for sharks in a shark tank. Though she _could_ fight if she absolutely had to, she didn’t want to have to fight anyone or anything in her current condition. She was tired, beat up, bloody, and hurting. And Spike had had a rough night, too. They both needed some time to recuperate before they got into another brawl with anyone or anything.

She looked back at the mansion. "Maybe... we should just stay here for a while," Buffy said, obviously not loving that idea either.

“We can take the sewers," Spike suggested, nodding toward a sewer access point. “I ain’t stayin’ in that fucking mansion one second longer than I have to. As if I didn’t already have enough bad memories of this place, a whole shitload more got added tonight.” 

Buffy nodded and sighed. “Yeah, I’ve had my share of shitty memories of that place too...”

They started toward the sewers.

“Sure you don’t want to go home straightaway?” Spike needed to ask that question one more time. “Your house is closer.”

“No, I can’t let my mom see me like this.”

"Oh," Spike put a hand to his forehead, "I forgot 'til just now: your friends came by the crypt earlier lookin' for you."

"They did? When?"

"I... don't know how long ago, at least a couple hours. They said your mum and Dawn were worried about you. So maybe it'd be best to take you home with no stopover at the crypt."

"Uh-uh," Buffy said, shaking her head. Her mind was made up. 

Spike groaned, "Bloody hell, woman... Then how about stoppin' at a callbox and ringing home so she at least knows you're alive?"

"I like that idea better. But there aren't a lot of payphones in the sewers."

"I think there's a phone not far from here. I've got some change in my coat pocket, should be enough to make a call. We'll do that, and then head into the sewers."

Buffy sighed. She wasn't happy having to add more walking time to their journey, but Spike was right, she had to let her mom know she was alright. "Okay, let's get this over with..."

Spike and Buffy stuck to the shadows on the way to the payphone. They were concerned that someone might call the cops if they were seen. Spike was bloody, shirtless, and carrying a machete, and Buffy was disheveled and bloody -- they were a scary-looking couple, even for Sunnydale.

When they made it to the phone, Buffy called home and told her harried mother that she was okay. Joyce and Dawn were so relieved to hear from her. Buffy didn't go into detail about what happened to her, but she did say that she'd been taken captive for several hours and she'd been hurt, though not seriously. She told them it was Drusilla who had come after her, and that it was Spike who had saved her life. Dawn was very pleased by that news too, she'd been right about Spike all along. Some excessive gloating would be in order later.

Joyce told Buffy that Giles, Anya, and Xander were still out looking for her, but they would probably be back soon. Joyce was puzzled when Buffy said she wouldn't be home for a little while longer. Buffy only said that there was something she had to take care of before coming home.

And then, having reassured her family that she was still among the living, Buffy and Spike went into the sewers.

* * *

Spike and Buffy each had an arm around the other to help her walk. But she was getting too tired. She had to stop and rest a few times before Spike just picked her up and carried her in his arms. 

Spike pointed out a tunnel that led right to Revello Drive, should Buffy ever find herself wandering in the sewers and need to find a quick route to her house. There was a big, red peace sign spray painted on the wall, which made it easier to find.

Buffy had protested being carried at first, but she was too weary to put up more than a feeble protest. After the horrible night she'd had, being held in his strong arms made her feel safe and more relaxed. Buffy thought some of that might go back to her childhood, when her daddy would gather her up in his arms when she was scared. That had always made everything better. And now, Spike was the one making her feel safe -- crazy, but true. She prayed that Spike wouldn't disappoint or betray her now that she'd decided to trust him, it would break her heart if Spike hurt her now.

Buffy tried to dwell on pleasant thoughts and settled against Spike's body, falling asleep within minutes.

Spike's mind was going a mile a minute as he walked through the tunnels carrying his precious cargo. The events of the evening replayed in his head, over and over again. But concentrating on what needed to be done once they got to his place helped to slow his thoughts down. He thought out what he would do: get the first aid supplies, make Buffy as comfortable as possible, fix them both a stiff drink, and then clean and dress her injuries.

Things were looking up for him; Spike didn't know if Buffy would seriously be interested in a romantic relationship with him, but it seemed that he'd at the very least get some of that consideration and respect he'd longed for. It was scary to be embarking on this new phase of his life -- there truly was no going back now -- but it felt good, too. He'd prove to everyone that he was capable of changing for the better.

* * *

It took about fifteen minutes of walking before Spike emerged into the lower level of his crypt. A few torches were still burning, giving off enough light for them to see.

As Spike carried Buffy over to his bed, he cast a nervous glance at the area of the room where his shrine was set up. He hadn't even thought about it until now, he'd been preoccupied with more pressing matters. That area of the room was still cloaked in darkness (and the shrine itself was covered with a sheet), so there was little chance of Buffy thinking there was anything to see over there... at least he hoped she wouldn't see it. Spike knew that if she did discover it, she wouldn’t want anything to do with him ever again. 

Spike now felt ashamed of himself for stealing the photographs and her personal property, but he'd just felt so frustrated and helpless at the time. He planned on taking all the pictures and mementos down after tonight. The things that belonged to her would be clandestinely put back where he'd found them, hopefully Buffy would just think she'd misplaced them and not suspect anything.

_'She won't see it... no worries,'_ Spike assured himself. It wasn't as if Buffy would feel up to having the grand tour of the lower crypt, she'd just be sitting still while he bandaged her up.

Spike laid Buffy down on the bed, and then stood back, just looking at her for a few more moments. She looked like an angel -- an angel who'd floated down to Earth and had the shit beaten out of her, but an angel, nonetheless.

He hated to wake her when she was finally resting, but he had to get her cleaned up and back home. He tapped lightly on her arm. "Buffy, wake up, luv." It took a few more tries before she opened her eyes and snorted awake.

"Hunh? Are we home?" Buffy asked, going up on her elbows and looking around, sleepy-eyed.

"Close. We're at _my_ home sweet home. You asked me to bring you to the crypt first, remember?"

"Oh... right." She sat up and rubbed her eyes, and then looked around again. Her brow creased in confusion. "This doesn't look like the crypt..."

"It's the lower level."

"I didn't know there _was_ a lower level."

"It's secret." Spike smirked and went to get his first aid supplies. "My own personal Bat Cave."

"But there are no actual bats... right?" Buffy asked, looking anxiously up at the ceiling.

"There aren't any critters flying or scurrying about, don't worry. You kick the shit outta demons on a daily basis, and you're afraid of a little bat?" Spike teased.

"No, not afraid... exactly. I just don't like bats. They get their little feet tangled in your hair and they rain poo on you from the ceiling."

"Did you know there's a bat named Buffy?"

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "...You have a pet bat named 'Buffy'? Am I supposed to be flattered?"

"I don't have a pet bat," Spike chuckled. "It's the name of a kind of bat: the Buffy Flower Bat -- native to the Caribbean, if I'm rememberin' right."

"Hmm. That's weirdly ironic..."

Spike set the first aid kit down on the bed. "I need a bloody drink before we get started. You want one?" he asked as he went to the tabletop that served as a bar.

"I don't drink," Buffy said absently, checking out her surroundings. Spike had the place set up pretty nice -- nice for a cave below a crypt, anyway. There were rugs, a few chairs and other pieces of furniture, the bar, and a big bed with a fluffy peach duvet covering it. So, he _did_ have a bed. "I'll have something without alcohol if you have it."

"I've only got water and blood," Spike told her regretfully.

"Water's fine."

Spike was going to pour himself a drink, but then changed his mind and put the glass back down. "Sod it, I'll save some time by drinkin' straight from the bottle." He proceeded to take a few healthy swallows of vodka.

"I don't know how you can drink that stuff..." Buffy commented.

He smiled and wiped his mouth with the back off his hand. "Goes down like water. Right, speakin' of water..."

Spike talked as he went further back in the cavern with a tall glass in hand, "There's a shower back here if you want to get washed up quick. Only gets cold water, though."

Buffy felt uncomfortable at the thought of being naked. It wasn't that she thought Spike would try anything funny, she just didn't want to feel that vulnerable.

Before she could reply, Spike added, "Or I could fill a basin with water and use a washcloth to get the blood off."

"Yeah, let's try the basin thing." Buffy moved to sit at the end of the bed, putting her feet on the floor. She ran her hand over the satiny duvet. "You have a bed, huh? I wondered where you... slept." He didn't need to know she'd also wondered where he and Harmony had sex.

Spike came back a minute later carrying a wash basin and a glass of water. "Yeah, was a bitch to put the bed together, but worth it to have a bit of comfort."

"I thought you just slept on a sarcophagus."

Spike handed her the glass of water. "I was content to sleep on top of a sarcophagus for a while. I don't mind roughin' it -- I prefer not havin' it too good, y'know? You start gettin' complacent if you're too comfortable, and I don't want to lose my edge. But it's nice to have a warm, soft bed to lay on."

Buffy took a few sips of the water. "Thanks."

Spike nodded and set the basin down on the floor. He retrieved his bottle of vodka, turned on the radio for some background music, and then he knelt down on the floor at Buffy's feet. "You want to take off the coat?"

"Oh, right. Guess it'd be hard to clean my wounds if they're covered up." Buffy took it off and set it on the bed next to her. 

Spike helped her take the bandages off her wrists. "Looks like they're startin' to heal," he said, examining her wrists and arms. He washed the blood off of one arm and then the other. And then he started on her torso.

Buffy sucked in air when he wiped at a particularly sore cut. 

He looked up at her. "Sorry, luv."

She took a breath and shook her head. "It's okay."

"Sure you don't want a stiff one?" Spike asked.

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Huh?"

He held up the bottle of vodka.

"Oh... uh, no, I'm okay." Her mind had gone to a naughty place for a second there... Buffy reconsidered having a drink after another pass of the washcloth over her sore stomach. "You know what? Yeah, give me the bottle. If I don't deserve to have a stiff one after the night I've had..."

Spike handed her the bottle. "Just take a small drink, don't chug it like I do."

"I didn't plan to chug it, but thanks for the warning." Buffy took a normal-sized drink. She swallowed with an effort, then made a face. "Eugh!"

Spike smiled and tilted his head slightly, finding her impossibly more adorable and charming. "The more you drink, the easier it goes down. But don't get shit-faced -- your mum wouldn't like it if I brought you home staggerin' around."

Buffy took a few more little drinks. "Big Bad's scared of my mom?" she teased.

"Bloody well right I am. Summers women are forces to be reckoned with." He said more seriously, "I like Joyce, she's a decent lady." 

Having finished wiping away the dried blood from Buffy's skin, Spike needed to use antiseptic on the cuts. Problem was, he didn't have any. He kept meaning to get something like that (for Buffy-related emergencies), but it had slipped his mind.

"I don't have any antiseptic, but I could use booze... got plenty of that."

She shrugged. "Okay."

Spike got an extra bottle of whiskey to use just on her cuts. He poured some whiskey on the washcloth and then swabbed her stomach.

"Ow!" Buffy hissed and squirmed. "That shit burns!"

"I know, but it's all I have here. I'll be quick, luv. Just take a few more drinks of vodka while I work on ya."

Buffy took a big drink, then groaned when as he continued wiping her stomach with the washcloth. She looked down at the picture Dru had 'drawn' on her. "I'd better not get frickin' scars. I don't care how many goons Dru keeps around her at all times, I'll hunt her down like a dog."

"I think you'll heal up fine," Spike reassured her. He let out a breath as he treated Buffy's wounds. "Sorry I couldn't stake her... I wanted to make sure she wouldn't come back to try something like this again."

"Well, it wasn't for lack of trying. You tried to kill her twice -- the bitch must have nine lives. That couldn't have been easy for you... I know how much Dru meant to you."

Spike kept his eyes on his task, not looking at Buffy's face. "That's just the way it had to be... Couldn't let her hurt you any more."

"What about all that stuff she said... about me leading you to your death? Doesn't that worry you, even a little?"

Spike half-shrugged and smirked. "It's like I said, who wants to live forever."

"Spike, I'm being serious. She's nutty as a fruitcake, but her predictions usually come true. It doesn't make you think twice about being around me?"

He stopped a moment and sighed, looking up at her. "I know better than most how spot-on Dru's visions are... but my future isn't determined 'til _I_ determine it. After all the wrong I've done in my life, I wouldn't mind going out doin' something right. I'll take my chances with you, Slayer." Spike gave her a little smile. "And there's the added bonus of confusin' the hell out of people who thought they had me pegged as a villain. I like bein' unpredictable. I'm a rebel."

Buffy smiled back at him. She liked hearing Spike talking like that and meaning it. She couldn't recall any other conversations they'd had before tonight where they'd let down their guards completely, with no bravado or posturing. Buffy had no idea Spike had changed enough to say something like that. Recalling that 'I'm drowning in you' thing he'd said made her start feeling swoony again. He was chockfull of surprises. If only they could have talked like this before... except she wouldn't have allowed it before tonight. But now she could see there was a lot more to Spike than she'd previously thought.

As Spike re-bandaged her wrists, he realized that he hadn't cleaned the area around the bite mark -- he'd subconsciously avoided that particular area. But her skin was smeared with blood there, he had to do it, no matter how badly the guilt gnawed at him. 

Spike wet the washcloth and began wiping delicately around the bite. His eyes drifted to hers, then he looked away again, working in silence.

"Don't say you're sorry again," Buffy said softly. "I can tell you were getting ready to say it."

"I thought expressing regret was a good thing for people to do?"

"It is, but I already know you're sorry. And you already know that I forgive you. So it doesn't need to be said again. Okay?"

Spike smiled a little and nodded. "Yeah... okay." 

He finished cleansing her shoulder, then started dabbing gently at the blood on her face, having no choice but to look her in the eye.

Neither of them said anything until he was done, but they did look into each other's eyes and wonder what might happen between them now that things had changed so dramatically. Spike saw an openness and kindness in Buffy's eyes that he'd never seen before; it gave him hope that his wildest dreams might come true, after all. In Spike's eyes, Buffy saw that warmth and affection she'd wished to see after Dru had put him under her spell back at the mansion. Buffy was feeling a bit dazed and confused by everything, but she wanted to get to know the new and improved Spike better.

Spike put the extra bandages back in the first aid kit. "Alright, I'm done tormenting you with the booze now. You can treat your cuts with some proper antiseptic when you get home. You should be good as new in a few days."

Buffy touched her sore ribs, seeing there was some bruising on her sides. 

He looked at where she was touching. "Your ribs botherin' you, eh?"

"Yeah. I'm not sure if any are broken or not."

"Let me have a look." Spike slowly put his hands lightly on both sides of her ribcage, giving her a chance to tell him not to touch her. But Buffy leaned back on her elbows, letting him feel for any breaks.

Spike tried to keep his mind on the medical aspect of what he was doing, and not how happy Buffy letting him touch her like this made him feel. The fact that he was actually touching her, and she was letting him, made him almost giddy with joy. He moved his hands delicately over her ribs, checking to see if they felt broken or cracked.

"I think you just got a few bruised ribs, don't feel any breaks," Spike said after a minute, taking his hands away.

"Good." Buffy liked the way his hands had felt on her. Those same strong hands that had doled out so much punishment over the years... could be so gentle and soothing. "What about you?" she asked him.

"Hmm?"

"You're putting everything away, but you're still bloody," Buffy pointed out, looking at the gash on his stomach and then at the blood on his face. He didn't seem to be bleeding anymore, but he was still messy.

"I'll take care of it later," Spike said dismissively.

Buffy took another, longer, drink of vodka. "Uh-uh, you get taken care of now, mister. Let me clean you up like you did me."

"You don't have to do that... The fingers on your left hand don't work."

"I can take care of you one-handed," Buffy insisted, flexing her right hand.

_'Do NOT say anything vulgar in response to that!'_ Spike commanded himself, biting his tongue. "Alright." 

Buffy took the washcloth from him, dipped it in the water and then began gently wiping the blood from his face. She started at his forehead and worked her way down to his chin. "You know... you're a very handsome guy."

He smiled a bit, feeling like he had to be blushing. "Just noticin' that now, are you?" 

"Well, yeah. I mean, no..." Buffy shook her head and laughed. "I mean, yes, I noticed you were good-looking, but we didn't exactly get along, so I wouldn't admit to myself that you were hot."

"Hmm, I've gone quickly from 'handsome', to 'good-looking', to 'hot'. Those are all good, though I prefer 'hot'." Buffy was complimenting him on his looks? Spike thought he had to be dreaming this. He arched an eyebrow and smirked. "You're not so bad yourself, luv."

"Uh-huh, yeah. With my face all puffy and beat up, I bet I look ravishing right now," Buffy joked.

"You look ravishing at all times; it's your cross to bear."

Buffy chuckled as she finished cleaning his face. "You're such a huge liar. But that was a nice lie, so I'll let that one slide."

"I'm not lying..." Spike said softly, raising his hand to her face and cupping her cheek. "You're always beautiful to me." 

After a moment, Spike took his hand away and looked down. "Me saying things like that must make you... uncomfortable."

"Yeah, I just _hate_ hot guys telling me I'm beautiful. Why couldn't you say nice stuff like that before instead of making catty comments all the time?"

Spike looked back up at her, cocking an eyebrow. "You know why."

Buffy sighed. "Yeah, you're right... I wouldn't have reacted very well. I wasn't the president of your fan club... in fact, they'd revoked my membership before tonight."

"And now... you're alright with me saying things like that? You know how I feel about you... how do you feel about me?" Spike asked with just a tinge of the anxiety he was feeling. 

"I... I'm still sorting all that out. My head's still spinning from everything that happened tonight. But... I like you now, I know that much. I know I can count on you when I need you."

"You can always count on me, Buffy. So... friends, then?" 

"Friends," Buffy agreed with a nod. "Do you think you can settle for being friends... with the way you feel about me? Won't that be like torture for you?"

Spike paused to consider the question; he'd been thinking about that subject a lot lately. "I'd rather be friends than nothing... or what's worse than nothing, to continue bein' nothing to you but a pain in the ass. I promise I won't drive you mad pressurin' you to give me more than you're capable of giving. I don't think I'll ever stop wanting you... but I'll try to respect how you feel..." He shook and hung his head. "God... I sound like a gigantic poof."

Buffy smiled and put her hand on his shoulder. "If a poof is a considerate, thoughtful person, then yes, you sound like a huge-giant poof."

"Thanks a lot," Spike said, glancing up at her and smirking slightly.

Buffy was just testing him a little -- she wanted to see how he'd react if he thought she wasn't going to give him a chance at being with her. And he passed the test. She wasn't positive what exactly it was that she wanted to have with Spike, but she knew that being 'just friends' wasn't going to be enough for either of them. Here she was, exhausted and in pain, and she still couldn't help thinking how handsome Spike was. She couldn't stop thinking of the way he'd protected her; how he'd given up his dreams of going back to his 'normal' way of life for her; she remembered the sweet, romantic things he'd said to her, and the sincerity in his eyes when he'd said those things. Buffy had the urge to just wrap herself around him and 'thank' him properly. But she wouldn't do that, of course. (Maybe in a day or two, when she was feeling better...)

"Have you thought of any of your other friends as 'hot'?" Spike asked teasingly, waggling his eyebrows.

Buffy smirked. "Well, I thought of Xander as hot a couple times. The first time I was under a spell, so that doesn't count. But the second time happened naturally. He was wearing a pair of tiny Speedos, and lookin' mighty _fine_."

"Ugh!" Spike screwed up his face. "Bloody hell... thanks for puttin' that image in my head. I can conjure that up if I ever need an ipecac. Now your entire ability to judge hotness has been called into question... I don't know if I'm flattered anymore."

Buffy laughed. "Sorry. But you _did_ ask."

"Well, coulda been worse... coulda been Rupert in a Speedo."

It was Buffy's turn to make a face. "And now I have a mental ipecac, too." They shared a laugh, which felt so nice compared to how their conversations usually went. "Okay, let's get your belly skin free of blood. Stand up."

"You seem awfully... _perky_ considering the hell you've been through tonight," Spike commented as he stood up in front of her.

Buffy shrugged and started wiping away the blood on his abdomen. "I got a second wind." She glanced up at him. "You must be really tired, you let that, 'I can take care of you one-handed' thing I said earlier go by without a lewd comment. I set you up with a perfect opportunity to say something crude, and you didn't take the bait."

Spike snorted. "Wasn't easy, let me tell ya. We're gettin' on so well... I'd hate to ruin it by bein' my normal boorish self."

Buffy shook her head. "You won't ruin it, Spike. You're my friend now, and I have a lot of patience with my friends; of course, I make them earn it by constantly testing theirs."

They smiled at each other and then she got back to work. His groin was _right there_ , so she couldn't help letting her eyes stray down from his stomach. The part of her that had always secretly lusted after Spike was getting stronger by the minute, it seemed. If she looked long and hard enough, she could make out the outline of his...

Buffy cleared her throat, forcing her eyes away from his crotch. 

Spike was trying not to focus on how Buffy touching him was making him feel. "I'm still tryin' to sort out everything that happened tonight... Correct me if I'm wrong, but you said that _Dawn_ told you how I feel about you?"

"Um... yeah, I think I did say that."

Spike rolled his eyes, smiling ruefully. "The girl doesn't know when to keep her mouth shut... She'd best not plan on a career as a spy, wouldn't take much for the enemy to get her to spill state secrets."

"It only came up because I accused her of having a crush on you, and she was like, 'Oh, as if he'd notice me with _you_ around'. Don't be mad at her for telling me, okay?" That would be all she needed: Spike pissed off at Dawn, and Dawn pissed off at Buffy for telling him what she'd told her. "You're... important to Dawn, she'd be really upset if you were mad at her."

Spike frowned and shook his head. "I'm not mad at her; it's hard to stay cross with the Nibblet. I just... pictured you finding out differently... if you _ever_ found out." 

He knew Dawn had a crush on him, he'd seen that starry-eyed look in a girl's eyes enough times over the years to recognize it. He found it flattering and sweet, and it was nice to know he could still turn a girl's head. Nothing could happen between them, of course. Besides the fact that he was in love with Buffy, Dawn was just too young for him and he didn't think of her _that_ way. She was more like his little sister in his eyes, but he knew better than to tell Dawn that. There were few things worse than someone you fancied telling you they thought of you as a sibling.

"You're... not attracted to Dawn at all, are you? 'Cause I'm sorry, but I _would_ have to kick your ass." It would be very, very bad for many reasons if Spike liked Dawn _that_ way.

"Are you serious? Please, Buffy," Spike groaned. "I'm fond of the girl, but that's as far as it goes." He glanced at her. "Dawn still has some growin' up to do, and I'm attracted to fully-baked women."

Buffy took another drink, and then put the empty bottle on the floor next to the bed. "You were right, the booze is going down a lot easier now."

"Is it helpin' you feel any better?"

"I'm still tired and achy, but I do feel better than I did an hour ago." There was another thing Buffy wanted to talk about -- she'd expected Spike to mention it, but he hadn't. "Do you remember that..." she paused to clear her throat, "that sleazy stuff I said to you back at the mansion?"

Spike swallowed and nodded, looking away from her. Oh yes, he remembered that _very_ well.

"I felt like such a slut... but I had to say those things. I'll definitely be leaving that part out when I tell my mom and friends what happened tonight. I've never talked like that before... so _dirty_." Buffy blushed. 

Spike raised his brows and let out a breath. "You were _really_ good at it."

"I only said that stuff because..."

Spike held up a hand. "I know why you did it, no need to explain. You were tryin' to buy some time, and maybe shift my... loyalties towards you. It was a good plan."

"I was trying to make you remember how you felt about me... but it didn't work."

"I think it did work. When you kissed me... I forgot all about wanting to hurt you for a minute."

"You seemed to... get into it. Did you enjoy it?" It wasn't really necessary for her to ask that question. When she'd talked dirty to him and kissed him, she'd felt his passion for her in his kiss (and growing in the front of his jeans).

"No, I..." He couldn't admit to enjoying any bit of that on any level. "I don't even want to think about anything I did while I was under Dru's influence, alright?" Spike fidgeted uncomfortably and then stepped back away from her. "That's good enough," he said, looking down at his stomach. "Thanks." 

Spike went to open another bottle of booze, getting away from Buffy for a moment to try and get his emotions under control again. Recalling the things she'd said to him, and the ferocious way she'd kissed him, was arousing him -- and then he immediately felt guilty for feeling any pleasure from that memory. 

Buffy switched to another topic since he obviously didn't want to talk about what happened while he was under Dru's spell. "You don't know how relieved I was when you whispered to me to 'pretend' you were hurting me. I knew the real you was back in control." She saw the gloomy look on his face. "I know you're sorry for hurting me, Spike, you really don't have to say it again."

He nodded and took a swig of Jack Daniels.

"When you... um, you didn't bite me, but I felt your tongue on my shoulder."

"Uh, yeah... it helps stop the bleeding and promotes healing. I wasn't lickin' you just for kicks."

Buffy smiled and laughed, which made Spike smile back in response. It did his heart good to see her smiling, and to know that she wasn't accusing him of taking advantage when she'd been chained up.

"It startled me at first," Buffy said, getting a little flustered at remembering how hot he'd made her, even under those terrible circumstances. "But it made the bite feel better."

"Vamp saliva has antiseptic properties, too. You didn't know that?"

She shook her head. "Nope." Then she giggled (the vodka was helping her feel good enough to giggle). "So you coulda just licked me all over instead of using that sting-y whiskey?"

Spike blinked at her. "Uh, I s'pose... I didn't know that was an option..."

Buffy giggled some more. She couldn't believe this was her, about to suggest what she was going to suggest. But she wanted it. "Maybe you should lick my boo-boos." 

Spike's eyes widened. "...Lick your _what_?"

"My boo-boos. My other cuts -- to help them heal faster."

"Oh..."

"What'd you think I meant?" Buffy smiled innocently.

Spike tried to stop from smirking, not very successfully, and shrugged. He never thought he'd be joking with Buffy about things like that, he loved that she felt comfortable enough with him now to be a bit naughty. He took another drink, then said, "Guess it's 'bout that time, you're all cleaned and bandaged up. You can put on one of my t-shirts, or you can wear the coat home, your choice."

"You're not going to lick me?" Buffy asked, disappointed. She thought he would've said yes almost immediately. Maybe she looked worse than she'd imagined. She didn't realize how much she'd really wanted it until he shrugged it off.

Spike slowly turned his head to look at her, his eyes widening again. "I thought you were joking. You... were serious?"

"Hell yeah, I was serious. I want my numerous wounds to heal fast. And I'd like to show you I trust you and everything. We'll both get something out of it."

It took Spike a few moments to kick-start his brain. His mouth watered, and other parts of his body responded, at the thought of having his tongue on any part of her. "Alright, you're obviously drunk. Bloody hell, Joyce is gonna kill me."

"I'm not drunk, just tipsy. I think it's a good idea. Now get over here and lick me," Buffy said with a kittenish smile.

Spike wanted to sprint over to the bed to her, but he had to try being more levelheaded. As much as he wanted to do as she asked, it could have bad repercussions once Buffy was rested and not tipsy. "Buffy... it's not a good idea."

"Why not?"

"Because..." He rubbed his hands over his face. "Because it's just not. There are some things I can't _control_ , and if I taste you..."

"Oh, you mean you'll get..." Buffy's eyes went quickly to his groin and then back up to his face.

"Yeah," Spike admitted nervously.

"Well... that's not necessarily a bad thing..."

"Now I _know_ you're drunk. It'd be best if you just put the coat back on and I took you home." This doing 'the right thing' bollocks might end up killing him. His inner-voice was screaming at him, _'Are you mad!? Don't pass this up, you wanker!'_

Buffy smiled. "Spike, I appreciate that you're trying to be _good_ , but I know what I'm asking and I know you might have certain reactions." She held out her good hand to him. It took a few moments of indecision before Spike went to her and took her hand. Buffy tugged him down to sit with her on the bed. She continued holding his hand as she looked into his eyes. "The way I feel about you now... I want to be close to you. I want to show you that I trust you. And if both of us get certain... extra _perks_ from the licking, then that's okay, too."

Spike grinned and shook his head in disbelief. "I musta slipped into the Twilight Zone somewhere along the line... Can't believe you're actually saying what you're saying."

She chuckled. "It's kinda weird for me, too. But things have changed. _We've_ changed." Buffy moved to lay her head on the pillows, still holding his hand and coaxing him up the bed with her until he was laying on his side next to her. 

They gazed into each other's eyes as Spike moved his hand gently over the side of her face. "You're a very strange and very exciting woman, Buffy Summers... I never know what you're gonna say or do next."

"You're proving to be pretty unpredictable, too. Why don't you start with this cut on my arm," Buffy said, pointing to a cut. 

Spike bent his head, getting ready to lick her. He paused and looked into her eyes. "You sure this can't be considered... me taking advantage of your condition?"

"Uh-uh, I asked you to do it. How about this: if you don't lick me, I'll kick your ass later." She smiled. "See, I'm threatening you -- you've gotta do whatever I say."

Spike sighed dramatically. "Then... you leave me no choice."

"I've got a lot of cuts... you can stop if your tongue gets tired."

"You'd be surprised by how long I can use my tongue without stopping," Spike said, curling his tongue up over his top teeth and giving her a suggestive eyebrow wiggle.

Buffy gulped when a very dirty image popped into her head and tingles shot through her body: Spike with his head between her legs as she writhed in ecstasy under him. If she wasn't so tired, that would be precisely what she wanted to happen right now. 

Spike closed his eyes and gently traced the cut with his tongue. He held in a guttural moan (with great effort) at the taste of her skin. Whiskey + Buffy = The Most Delicious Thing He'd Ever Tasted. 

Buffy watched with hooded eyes as he brushed his tongue against her skin again and again. She could tell that he was enjoying it, and that was turning her on even more.

"Now here." Buffy pointed to another spot on her arm.

Spike tended to the new spot she wanted him to lick. He looked up at her with a little smile on his face as his tongue moved over her skin.

"I think my lip could use a little of that healing saliva," she said huskily, pointing to her bottom lip.

Spike moved his mouth near hers, only centimeters separated their lips. They looked at each other with smoky, lust-filled eyes. "I might... kiss you by accident."

"Oh..." Buffy's heart was beating faster now. She breathed, "Well, if you do kiss me -- by accident -- just make it... gentle."

They closed their eyes as his tongue began stroking her lower lip. Spike had the strong impulse to kiss her breathless, but he held back, not wanting to aggravate the injury to her lip. He wanted to put his arms around her and feel her body pressed against him, but again, he had to hold back. He settled for putting his hand on her hip and slowly stroking her outer thigh. 

A moan escaped Spike's mouth when he felt Buffy's tongue lightly poking at him. Her hot breath came in quick puffs on his lips and into his mouth, increasing his passion and need for her. Spike covered her mouth with his, still being mindful not to put too much pressure on her lip. 

As their tongues rubbed together, Buffy ran her hand up his arm to his neck, onto the back of his head. This felt like some kind of weird, erotic dream. Part of her was still alarmed and confused: Spike was kissing and licking her; Spike was touching her; she was laying with Spike on his bed. How could her attitude about him have changed so suddenly? But it _had_ changed. Buffy felt good being with him like this, and she wanted more.

She ran her fingers through his hair, then remembered that he'd gotten hit on the head several times tonight. Buffy pulled back to look at him. "Sorry... I probably shouldn't be touching your head, since you got whacked. I don't want to hurt you."

Spike smiled and kissed her lips softly. "I'm feelin' no pain. Matter of fact, I don't recall ever feeling so good. Now hush an' let Dr. Spike treat his patient."

"I like your bedside manner, Dr. Spike. You just get right in the bed with the patient," Buffy giggled.

"I'm committed to doin' whatever it takes to get my patients well."

"I think my lip needs more attention," Buffy said, putting her arms around his neck.

Spike ran his left hand lightly down over her hip again. "I don't want to hurt you either, luv."

"You won't. Just don't _accidentally_ kiss me too hard."

"Be gentle with you?" Spike asked, smirking and leaning in.

"Uh-huh." 

Buffy wished her lip was healed and back to normal. She wanted to be able to kiss him with all the desire she was feeling for him. She wanted to trail kisses over his smooth, alabaster skin -- down his neck, his chest, his stomach... Oh yes, that was what she wanted. How had she been able to deny that she'd wanted him for so long? Well, that was all over now -- thank goodness! No more pretending, no more holding back and denying. And something about the thought of Spike being _hers_ seemed so right.

It wasn't easy for Spike to tear himself away from Buffy's sweet lips, but she had other boo-boos that needed tending to. He began softly kissing and licking his way down her neck to her chest. Those damnable, sinful urges of his were trying to assert themselves again -- he wanted to push down the cups of her bra and give her perfect tits a good seeing to. But he behaved himself, he merely pressed tender kisses to what overflowed from her bra before moving further down her body.

Buffy was having similar urges of her own -- she wanted to free her breasts and let Spike do whatever he wanted. She shivered at imagining how good his mouth would feel on some of her more _sensitive_ parts. But she controlled herself, just barely. And then Spike moved down to the sliced skin of her stomach. She moaned as he began licking the many cuts on her skin. At first it stung, but then his licks relieved that slight pain, and all that was left was the sensuousness of his tongue stroking her flesh. 

Buffy's horniness went up a few more notches as Spike laved her stomach with his tongue. His proximity to her sex was making her start to squirm, gave her the impulse to strip off the rest of her clothes and make that dirty image she'd gotten in her head come true. But they should wait to take _that_ particular leap in their brand-new relationship; they both needed time to absorb everything that happened between them tonight. But, oh how she wanted him...

"S-stop, wait!" Buffy jerked and gasped.

Spike raised his head, looking at her with concern. "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?"

"No... No, you didn't hurt me, I just..." Buffy took a few deep breaths. 

Spike deduced that she was getting a little too hot and flustered, judging by the blush in her cheeks and the way she was squeezing her thighs together. He smirked, glad _that_ was the reason she needed him to stop. He expected Buffy would need time before they got fully _physical_ , so he wasn't disappointed. She'd already given him more than he thought she ever would. He could be patient. Stopping was probably a good idea as far as he was concerned, too -- he was getting a bit too excited.

"My throat's a little dry," Buffy explained. "C-could you get me some more water?"

"'Course I will, pet." Spike gave her belly one more soft kiss before he got up and went to refill her water glass. "Had enough whiskey, eh?"

"Yeah... alcohol is not my friend," Buffy said, moving to sit on the edge of the bed again. She pushed herself up to stand with some difficulty.

"You want to get goin' soon? For home, I mean," Spike asked as he walked back to her with her water.

Buffy took the glass from him. "Soon... but not quite yet." She took a few gulps of cold water, and then set the glass down on the table next to the bed.

Spike very much liked the devilish little glint in her eye when she turned back to him.

Buffy put her arms around his neck. "I think my lip still needs a little more of your attention." Kissing and tongue wrestling with Spike would keep her simmering, but hopefully the urge to rip her (and his) clothes off wouldn't be as great.

"Does it, now?" Spike asked silkily, resting his hands on her hips. "I'll be _gentle_ , pet," he purred, and then covered her mouth with his again.

Spike's tongue began to stroke the split on her lower lip, and Buffy poked at his tongue with hers again. They both wanted this; they were both enjoying this new experience and the new turn their relationship had taken. Buffy was now positive she wanted to build something meaningful with Spike. Yes, there would be problems for them to overcome (lots of problems), but she thought they could get through anything if they just tried being good to and trusted each other. And, of course, Spike had been 100% certain he wanted more with Buffy for a while now. Though their bodies were sore and tired, their hearts were soaring.

A night that had begun so badly was finally getting _really_ good. 

Until...


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the super-awesome Passion4Spike for all she does for me!
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Everything was great for about a minute. Buffy and Spike were getting lost in each other's touch.

And then, suddenly, Spike grunted and lurched against Buffy, knocking her down onto the bed and dropping on top of her.

Pain flared in Buffy's body, making her let out a yelp. She felt fresh blood begin running from her lip. "Oww, Spike!" She pushed at his shoulder, trying to make him get off of her. She didn't know whether he was trying to be funny (by being the opposite of 'gentle'), or if he was getting overwhelmed with lust and being rougher than he'd intended. "That hurt, dammit! Get off!"

Spike pushed himself up and off of her, his arms shaking as he tried to support himself. Buffy's anger turned to concern when she saw the shocked and pained look on his face. 

"Spike? What's wrong?"

He didn't answer her as he tried standing up and turning around, and then promptly fell on his face on the floor next to the bed.

Buffy's eyes rounded and she gasped when she saw an arrow sticking out of his back. "Spike! Oh my God!" Had Drusilla changed her mind and come back to kill them? Buffy looked around to see who had shot him. 

Harmony was standing near the sewer entrance, looking smug and holding a crossbow. 

Spike looked up from the floor at his attacker and groaned. "Oh, great..." He didn't know how much fight he had left in him after what he'd already gone through tonight, but he would be damned (again) if he let an idiot like Harmony be the one to finally dust William the Bloody.

"You thought you could get rid of me that easy?" Harmony asked bitterly. "You think you can just order me to go away and I'll obey you? Well, think again, buddy!"

Buffy's ribs and lip were screaming with renewed pain from Spike falling on top of her. She sat up, holding her side and wondering if she'd be able to actually fight Harmony... she wasn't so sure. For the Slayer to be defeated by a vamp as young and stupid as Harmony would be so embarrassing...

Harmony glanced at Buffy, and then did a double-take. She'd assumed it was Drusilla who Spike was slobbering all over. Her mouth dropped open in surprise, and then her face scrunched up with disgust. "Ewww, Spike! I thought you were with Dorkzilla -- you're with the Slayer now?! How many skanks are you cheating on me with, you asshole?!"

Spike started crawling toward Harm, growling. "You stupid bint, I'm gonna kill you!"

"It was bad enough when you dumped me and threw me out for Droodzilla, but _this_...! I knew you had a thing for the Slayer, but... Eugh! You Slayer-loving freak!"

"I'm warnin' you..." Spike grumbled angrily as he continued crawling toward her, "everything that's happened tonight -- up to, and including, you shooting me with a fucking crossbow -- has made me less than my normally tolerant and easygoing self. Get out now... while you _still can_."

"I wish I was a better shot and that arrow had gone right through your stupid heart! I'm your _actual_ girlfriend and you cheated on me with those hoes! I gave you the best... bunch of months of my life!" Harmony closed the distance between herself and Spike and slammed the crossbow down on his head.

Spike dropped back down to the ground, seeing stars. He had a new head wound to add to his collection.

"Get away from him!" Buffy shouted. She groaned in pain as she ineffectively tried to stand up. She grit her teeth and fell back down onto her butt, bouncing on the bed. 

"Shut up, you boyfriend-stealing slut, or you're next!" Harm spat. Then she took a good look at Buffy's appearance, which made her grin and giggle. "Well, at least it looks like Morticia beat the shit out of you. Good for her! Too bad you two skanks didn't kill each other."

Spike shook his head to try and clear it, and looked up at Harmony. 

She looked down at him with a hardened, resentful expression. "I thought I could change you, Spike. I thought maybe if I gave and I gave and gave, maybe you'd come around. Maybe be a little nicer. Stop treating me like your dog." Harm began reloading the crossbow. "But now I see it's _you_. You're the dog who needs to be put d--" 

Spike, mustering up all the strength he had left, jumped to his feet and ran at Harmony. He grabbed the crossbow and punched her in the face, then threw the crossbow across the room.

Harmony kicked him in the stomach, making sure to strike the gash that Buffy had just wiped clean earlier. Spike "ooph"ed, doubled over, and staggered back a few steps. He clutched at his stomach, feeling blood seep between his fingers.

"Does she know all about the sick crush you have on her? Did you show the Slayer that stuff you have over there?" Harmony asked with a vicious smile, pointing toward the shrine. "Yeah, that's right: I snooped while you were out once, and I saw all that disgusting stuff. It made me want to puke!"

Spike straightened up quickly, his pain and weariness temporarily forgotten. He looked at her with a combination of panic and desperation. He couldn't let Harmony ruin everything, not now that Buffy wanted him too.

Harm was pleased to see the alarmed look on his face. "Does she know that you've got --"

"Shut your bloody mouth!" Spike yelled, launching himself at her and punching her again. 

Buffy was trying to gather her strength to get up and help Spike. She watched them trading punches and kicks, but her eyes also kept darting to the area Harmony had pointed to a moment ago. Buffy wondered what the ditzy vampire could've been talking about. Whatever it was, Spike obviously didn't want Harm saying any more about it...

Harmony kneed Spike in the groin and slapped him. But he barely felt any pain, he even forgot he still had an arrow sticking out of his back, he was running on pure adrenaline. Harm tried punching him again, but he ducked under the swing and kneed her in the stomach. Spike grabbed her and threw her to the floor, and then he leapt on top of her with an animalistic roar. 

Spike pinned Harmony down on the floor. "You shoulda stayed gone, Harm!" he growled.

"Oww! You're on my hair!" Harmony snarled, reaching around him to grab the arrow in his back, and then cruelly twisting it.

Spike inhaled sharply, and cried out in pain -- he might not have felt much from the punches and kicks, but he'd felt _that_. Harmony was able to use his moment of weakness to throw him off of her. She wrenched the arrow from his back while he was writhing on the floor and trying to clear the black fog of pain from his mind. 

Spike gasped again and went up on his knees when Harmony pulled the arrow out of him. She wielded it like a stake and tried stabbing him in the chest with it -- but Spike caught her arm and they started wrestling for control.

Meanwhile, Buffy had put Spike's coat back on -- she didn't want to fight Harmony in just a bra. She reached into the pocket and took out the stake she'd brought with her from the mansion. She bounced on the bed to help her get the momentum to stand up, and once she was steady on her feet she called to Harmony, "Yo, bitch!"

Spike and Harm paused their wrestling match and looked at Buffy. Spike growled and shoved the blonde vampiress away from him. He leaned back against the wall to rest for a minute, his chest and shoulders heaving.

Harmony put a hand on her hip and looked at Buffy. "We're a little busy. What do you want, Slutty?"

"I've had more than enough of you," Buffy grumbled, raising her right hand and gripping the stake tightly. "You don't deserve it, but I'm giving you one last chance to leave on your own. You either walk out, or you leave inside a Dustbuster."

Harm stayed quiet as she sized Buffy up: the Slayer looked like death warmed over... but Harm knew she was a super-tough bitch.

Buffy started forward slowly (because 'slowly' was all she could manage), trying to look at Harmony as evilly as possible. "Maybe I won't dust you right away... I need someone to take out my rage on and Dru's not here for me to get even for what she did to me; you can be her stand-in, just like in the movies."

"But... that's no fair!" Harm exclaimed. "I didn't do that to you, I don't deserve to take the heat for what Dorkzilla did!"

"But you hurt Spike just now, didn't you?" Buffy licked the blood from her lower lip and smiled. "I can torture you for that."

Harmony decided to get the hell out of there, the Slayer looked really mean and scary. Harm guessed that Buffy had gone evil or something -- maybe Dorkzilla had turned her and that's why she'd finally tried hooking up with Spike. The Slayer was way too much of a goody-goody to want Spike if she was her normal, uptight self.

Harm started circling around Buffy, keeping a good distance between them as she moved toward the ladder to the upper level. "Okay... geez! Don't mess yourself! I'm going! You can have Spike, I don't care! You're both sickos, you deserve each other!"

Buffy moved to where Spike was now leaning heavily on the wall and panting. She kept her eyes on Harmony as she put her bandaged hand on Spike's shoulder. She looked at him with concern, and they gave each other a small, caring smile. 

Harmony couldn't believe the Slayer was stealing her Blondie Bear. She could see, and practically feel, the affection they had for each other -- and it made her want to yak. Yeah, Harm had been ready to dust him, but that didn't mean she didn't love him. Well, the Slayer was going to hurt him someday -- probably soon! -- and Harm wouldn't be there the next time he needed someone to keep him warm at night. He'd be sorry then. "Oh, Spikey," she called to him in a haughty way.

Spike and Buffy rolled their eyes and turned their heads to look at her.

"You can say goodbye to this," Harm said, pointing to her butt, "because you're not gonna see it any more -- ever." She looked up in thought. "Unless you run into me somewhere and it's me walking away from you."

She started to turn to leave, but stopped and turned back, putting her hands on her hips. "But even then... I'll probably just... you know... back away..." Harmony backed the rest of the way to the ladder, and then climbed up quickly.

* * *

Buffy and Spike both let out a long breath and slumped against each other once they were alone again.

"Bloody fucking hell..." Spike muttered.

They looked at each other and started laughing at the craziness that had been their evening. Buffy leaned on him, resting her cheek on his shoulder for a few moments. Spike put his arms around her, closing his eyes and holding her.

"I was totally bluffing," Buffy groaned, slipping the stake back into the coat pocket. "I can't make any sudden movements without my body loudly protesting. She coulda kicked my ass."

"You put up a bloody good front, Slayer. I believed you were about to do her some grievous har... injury, too. I have to erase the word 'harm' from my vocabulary."

"Are you okay?" Buffy asked, pulling away to look at him.

"I'll live." Spike smirked.

"You've got more boo-boos," Buffy said, lightly touching his head where Harmony had thumped him with the crossbow.

"You do, too." Spike winced in sympathy. "Sorry 'bout how I fell on top of you..."

Buffy snorted and shook her head. "Yes, how dare you get shot and then collapse on me. Wasn't your fault, Spike." Then she closed her eyes and sighed wearily. "Please, God, let that be the last bad thing to happen tonight. I really, _really_ can't take any more."

Spike put his arm around her and helped her back to the bed. "Sit down and have a rest, luv." He eased her back down onto the bed, and then sat next to her. 

"Harmony showing up here was bad, but her timing really sucked, too," Buffy said, annoyed. "We were actually having a little... fun, which we so richly deserved after the night from Hell."

Spike just sighed and nodded. Then he thought he heard a noise and looked sharply over toward the trapdoor. It was probably just him being paranoid, but he couldn't rest if he thought Harmony (or another of their many well-wishers) was preparing to attack them again. "Harm might be lurkin' about... waiting 'til our guards are down." He stood up again and picked up the machete he'd brought from the mansion.

"I think she left, Spike." Buffy looked anxiously toward the trapdoor, too. She wasn't sure if Harmony had really left or not, but she was afraid that Spike wouldn't be able to handle yet another round of fisticuffs.

Spike smiled and touched the side of her face affectionately. "I've gotta check, but I'll be right back. No worries."

Buffy could see he had his mind set on going, so she relented and nodded. 

Spike went to the ladder and climbed up cautiously. A few seconds later he called down, "You're right, I think she left. But I could swear I heard something... I'm gonna have a look outside, then I'll be right down."

"Okay... just be careful. And hurry up," Buffy called back.

"I will."

As Buffy waited for Spike to return, her eyes were drawn again to that area of the cavern that Harmony had pointed to. What was Harmony talking about? And why did Harmony saying it make Spike angrier -- was he trying to hide something from Buffy? He'd seemed nearly panicked. 

Buffy's curiosity got the better of her; a quick peek couldn't hurt. She pushed herself back up to her feet, checked first to see if Spike was coming back, and then took a torch from a sconce and went into the unlit area of the room.

There was a section of the wall with a big sheet covering it. Buffy put the torch in a sconce just to the left of the sheet, and then pulled the covering away to see what was underneath.

There was a chest of drawers and a smaller table covered with photographs, drawings, clothing (mostly panties and thongs), stakes, and other various odds and ends -- all relating to or belonging to Buffy. And, the most bizarre thing: there was a mannequin with a long, blonde wig, and wearing Buffy's sweater she'd thought Dawn had stolen. It was obvious who the mannequin was supposed to be...

Spike had stolen things from her house -- from her _bedroom_. He'd been following her, _stalking_ her.

"Oh my God..." Buffy whispered, feeling an icy numbness spreading throughout her body. Her wide eyes kept moving over all the items Spike had collected. She finally had to blink to clear her eyes of the tears that were welling up in them.

The part of her that had been resisting trusting and having feelings for Spike took over completely. That cynical part of her shouted in triumph, feeling vindicated. The voice said, _'You see?! I told you Spike couldn't love you! I told you it was a mistake to trust him! I told you he hadn't changed! He's a disgusting, twisted *thing*! And this proves it!'_

What she was seeing was a perfect example of _obsession_ , not love. This was something a deranged, obsessed stalker would do, not someone who was simply in love. She had been horribly, _horribly_ wrong when she thought he'd changed, that he was even capable of changing or of truly loving her. She'd been a fool to let herself trust him or feel anything but contempt for him.

Buffy was utterly heartbroken and disillusioned. Her mind couldn't take any more twists and turns in a night that had been fraught with pain and confusion. It had taken so much out of her to make herself admit that she had feelings for Spike, and now all that agonizing and introspection was for nothing.

"The coast appears to be clear," Spike said as he came back down the ladder. "No sign of..." He stopped talking abruptly when he saw where Buffy was, and what she was looking at. Spike felt his stomach drop and his blood run cold. 

Buffy was standing in front of the shrine with her back to him. He felt paralyzed, frozen to the spot, unable to move.

"Oh God... no. Please no..." Spike whispered, horror-struck. He felt like he might throw up. _'Why did you leave her alone down here!? You bloody moron!'_ his mind screamed at him.

He'd briefly forgotten about Harmony almost giving his secret away... but clearly, Buffy hadn't missed the clues. Buffy was never supposed to know about this, much less see it with her own eyes. 

Spike wanted to try explaining himself, but he couldn't speak. There really wasn't anything he _could_ say to make this situation any better. He silently waited for whatever it was that was going to happen.

The fact that he was back finally registered in Buffy's weary brain. She turned her head slowly to look at him. 

Spike's fears were confirmed when he saw her face. He knew immediately, and beyond any doubt, that he would see that look on her face every time he closed his eyes -- Buffy looked confused, freaked out, and worst of all, deeply hurt and betrayed.

"What the hell is this, Spike?" Buffy asked, her voice cracking on his name. More tears fell from her eyes as she stared at him, waiting for some kind of answer.

His mouth moved, but he had no idea what to say. When he did speak, his voice was strained and unsteady. "You... weren't supposed to go over there... Why'd you have to go over there?"

Buffy shook her head and scowled at him, going from heartbroken to irate. "Oh, this is my fault, right?! I wasn't supposed to come over here, so it's my own fault that I'm upset!"

"N-no..." Spike squeezed his eyes shut and clenched his jaw. "That's not what I..."

"How could you do this to me?" Buffy asked weakly, her voice almost a whisper. But she already knew how he could do something like this -- he was an evil, soulless creature who thought of nothing and no one but himself and his own twisted desires.

"Buffy, please, I know how..." Spike took a step, reaching a hand out toward her, but she flinched back, bumping into the shrine and looking at him with fear in her eyes.

"Don't come near me... Never touch me again." 

"Buffy..." Tears stung Spike's eyes too, his vision was getting blurry. "You know I wouldn't hurt you..."

"Do I?" she asked scornfully. "How **dare** you claim to love me and still do something like... _this_. Being with Dru all those years must've warped your mind enough for you to think _this_ is love." 

"I do... I do love you. I love you so much, Buffy," Spike said, pleading with her to believe it. "Please..."

"That's a lie!" Buffy cried. She pointed to the shrine. "This is NOT love! This is sick! This is obsession! You followed me around taking pictures of me, you went into my house and stole my things to do God knows what with them!"

"...I'm sor--"

"No! Don't say you're sorry and don't tell me that you 'can explain' -- I don't want to hear it, Spike! Anything you say can only make this _worse_!" Buffy looked at the shrine again and sobbed. "I can't believe I..." She held in a heavier sob and covered her face with her hands. 

She'd let herself believe she could trust him, she thought he had changed. She'd let him lick her body, she'd thought about (and planned on) having sex with him in the near future. The worst thing was that she'd opened her heart to him, she'd finally let him in... and this was her reward. "I trusted you! I believed you! Oh God, I'm such a fool!"

Spike wanted to say something, _anything_ , but he choked on his reply.

"The only reason you saved me tonight was because you couldn't let the object of your obsession die!" Buffy accused through her tears. "You don't love me -- you don't know what real love is!"

"That's _not_ true!" Spike said thickly. 

"That fucking mannequin is wearing **my** blue cashmere sweater! You stole my clothes, my pictures, my..." Buffy let out an anguished cry and angrily swept all of the stakes and other objects on the dresser onto the floor. She frantically ripped some of the pictures and sketches down, and then she turned to the mannequin and punched it, knocking it over onto the floor. She stomped on it a few times, crushing the head and chest, before she stopped and dissolved into tears.

This was killing Spike; he could feel his heart breaking within his chest. He just stood there helplessly, watching her destroy his 'tribute' to her. Buffy was having a breakdown because of him. Buffy was in emotional pain because he was a miserable git who didn't know how to channel his unrequited love in a more positive direction. He'd never hated himself since he'd become a vampire... until now. Spike bowed his head as a tear slid down his cheek, he was consumed with sadness and regret.

"I... I have to go home," Buffy said numbly, shuffling her feet and moving toward the ladder, taking care to move around him. 

Concern for her safety was able to cut through the dark cloud in Spike's mind. The thought of Buffy walking home by herself (injured and exhausted), and his usual protective feelings for her, made him look back up at her and say, "Buffy, you shouldn't go alone. Let me walk you --"

Buffy held up her good hand. "No! Please... I just want to leave. I need to be alone. I need to get out of here..." 

The shock and unease in her voice and expression broke Spike's heart again. She wanted to get away from _him_ , and she didn't care if she did get attacked and killed on the way home, as long as she was able to get away from him.

But he couldn't just let her leave like this. "At least take the sewers... you're less likely to run into any nasties."

Buffy's eyes went to the sewer entrance. Thinking wasn't her strong suit at the moment, her already fatigued brain was being overtaxed as it was, but she mulled over his suggestion and decided he was right. "Yeah... sewers... good." She started moving toward the sewer entrance.

"And a weapon," Spike added. "You need something..."

She stopped and turned to him, bringing the stake out of the coat pocket. "Already got something."

They stared at each other for several moments. That cynical voice in Buffy's head told her to just stake him so he'd never have a chance to hurt her again. And Spike couldn't decide whether he wanted her to stake him or not, he didn't think he could bear the sorrow he was feeling. He’d cocked everything up with that stupid shrine – Buffy would never trust him again – he’d never get another chance with her, but worst of all was the look of hurt he saw in her eyes and knowing that he caused it. 

A new voice in Buffy's head begged her not to hurt Spike. She lowered her hand back to her side and started to turn away from him.

Spike thought he should just keep quiet, but he _had_ to say one more thing, one last desperate attempt to make her not hate him. "I know all that..." He looked fleetingly at the shrine. "I know it was wrong... I know it was a bloody stupid thing for me to do. But I do love you, Buffy. I didn't mean to hurt you, please believe me... I'd do anything for you... anything to make you happy."

"Yeah?" Buffy asked coldly, keeping her back to him. "Then stay the hell away from me from now on. Stay away from me, my family, my friends, my _house_. Just... stay away, or I'll..." She looked at him one more time, profoundly sad and wounded. And then she hurried into the sewers before he could say anything else to stop her from leaving.

* * *

Spike stared for a minute at the spot Buffy had disappeared into the sewers, not moving or even blinking. 

Was this really happening? It was too awful, too terrible, to be true... It was a nightmare, that's what this was. Or maybe it was another of Drusilla's illusions? Spike put his hands to his head and raked his fingers back over his scalp, digging his fingernails in. He felt the pain from clawing at his head... that meant it was real. 

Reality came crashing down on him. A wracking sob shook Spike's body, tears flowed freely from his eyes. His legs gave out and he dropped to his knees. Buffy had told him she wanted to be friends, she'd shown interest in him as more than a friend, she'd let him touch her, and she'd willingly touched him... And now all of it was gone in the blink of an eye. He'd been so close to paradise, only to have it suddenly wrenched away from him.

He'd rejected and tried to kill Dru, Harmony had tried to kill him and left (hopefully for good), and now Buffy wanted nothing to do with him, either... In one night Spike had lost his past, present, and (what he'd hoped would be) his future. What reason did he have left to even get out of bed in the evening?

Spike's sobs turned into hysterical laughter. Why should he be surprised things turned out this way? It was exactly what he should have expected with how his luck ran. Just as quickly as it began, his laughter stopped and turned back into sobs. Spike sniffed and closed his eyes, forcing himself to be calm. The muscles of his face rippled with the effort of tamping down his grief and anger. He wondered if he would go mad quickly or if it would take some time.

Spike slowly got back to his feet, then wandered over to the shrine on wobbly legs, scanning the damage Buffy had done to it. He kept seeing her face when she'd turned to him -- her horrified, appalled, frightened face. She hated him more than ever now.

Despair threatened to overwhelm him, so Spike let his anger take over. Anger was good; anger was better than feeling worthless and alone like a pathetic git.

Spike snarled, "I saved her bloody life -- and this is how she thanks me?! Treats me like dirt! Just 'cos I collected a few... mementos? Harmony... it's her fault! Stupid bint just _had_ to go an' ruin it! She never did know when to keep her bloody gob shut! And Dru! She set all this into motion! If it weren't for them..." He started pacing back and forth in front of the shrine and ranted to the empty room. "I'm stuck with Buffy in here," he pressed his fingers hard against his forehead. "Destroyed everything that was me, until all that was left was her in a dead shell." He growled. "You know what I should just do, is get rid of all of them! Burn them. Cut them into little pieces," he made scissoring motions with his fingers, "so there won't be any more bints to cock up things for Spike!"

He stopped, closed his eyes and sighed. The anger passed and was replaced by sadness again. The only one who had really cocked things up for Spike was Spike himself. No one had _made_ him steal Buffy's possessions, no one had _made_ him stealthily follow her around and occasionally snap pictures of her for his collection. He would be sure to kick Harmony's ass for cluing Buffy in about the shrine, but all Harm had really done was shine a spotlight on Spike's fatal flaws.

Spike could now see the shrine through Buffy's eyes -- it wasn't a tribute to her and his boundless love, it was a freak's obsession. It was clear as day to him now: he was sick, he was twisted, and he would never be worthy of her. He was... _beneath_ her. 

Spike had another burst of crazy laughter when the thought occurred to him, _'Buffy's wearing my coat. I won't be getting it back.'_ Buffy would probably set fire to his beloved coat, and she'll probably be wishing he was wearing it as she watches it burn.

The only thing he could hope for was that Buffy might forgive him someday. But he would be lucky if she ever spoke to him again. Hell, he'd be lucky if she didn't dust him and then flush his remains down the loo. No future with Buffy. No future with Drusilla. And definitely no future with Harmony. Where did that leave him?

Alone. Alone, and doomed to stay that way. Maybe this was his punishment for all the evil he'd done in his life. 

Spike took an empty box and tossed all of the pictures and items from the shrine into it. Taking apart the shrine was too little, much too late, he shouldn't have put the bloody thing together in the first place. He intended to throw out the entire box at first, but he'd have to go through it and see which things he'd stolen from Buffy's house. Buffy would be wanting her property back. He'd just leave her belongings outside her front door in a day or two, to spare her having to see him again.

Once he was finished, he covered the box up with the sheet that had hidden the shrine. He didn't want to have it out in the open to remind him of what a colossal failure he was. Crawling inside a bottle of whiskey for a few days would help take his mind off his troubles. Being in a drunken stupor was a more attractive option than being in mind-numbing misery. 

Despite his unusual (and unfortunate) ways of expressing his feelings, Spike was still positive that he was in love with Buffy. It wasn't just an obsession or fixation on her, and he didn't love her just because she was the Slayer. He loved Buffy Anne Summers, the woman. 

Buffy had been wrong when she'd accused him of saving her life tonight because his obsessed mind _needed_ her around to fixate on. Spike was very well acquainted with love and how it felt to be in love, and that's what he felt for her. He had many failings -- including having exceptionally bad judgment and having no moral compass -- but not being able to feel real love wasn't one of them. He loved Buffy with every fiber of his being, he would always love her... but the dream was over. He didn't even have that (admittedly thin) "What if?" hope to cling to anymore -- the hope that Buffy might one day develop feelings for him.

Buffy deserved better than him. She knew it, and now he knew it too. The kindest, most loving gesture he could make was to disappear and never bother her again. What was the saying? If you love something, set it free...

"I'm sorry I let you down, Buffy," Spike said softly as he opened up a fresh bottle of whiskey. He took the first drink of many. The way the amber liquid burned its way down his gullet was oddly comforting.

* * *

Buffy thought her house was a mirage at first. She didn't know how she'd made it through the sewers without collapsing, but here she was, at her front walk. Spotting that big, red peace sign back in the tunnels had helped a lot.

She squinted at the sun which was just peeking over the horizon. Her long, terrible night was finally at an end.

During her journey through the sewers she'd commanded herself not to think about Spike, it hurt too much to know she'd been so wrong about him. But not thinking about him was easier said than done. The realization that she'd begun to fall in love with him had caused her to cry again. How many times could her heart be broken before she became dead inside? No more love, no more men -- she wouldn't let herself be hurt again.

Now that she was back to her normal anti-Spike attitude, the little voice in her head seemed to actually be on _his_ side. Thoughts kept creeping in, like, _‘Spike looked devastated, so sad... He really is sorry for what he did. He still saved your life tonight, you shouldn’t just shrug that off.’_

Buffy told her inner-voice to shut up before it drove her completely insane. She couldn’t think good things about Spike right now; she couldn’t keep going back and forth on how she thought of him anymore.

The front door was thrown open just as Buffy reached for the knob.

Joyce looked at Buffy and put her hands over her mouth. “Oh, Buffy, we were so worried about you! My poor baby!” She opened her arms, getting ready to give (what Buffy knew would be) a tight hug.

Buffy stepped back and put her hands up. “Mom, no hugging, okay? My ribs really hurt right now.”

Joyce lowered her arms. “Oh, I’m sorry, honey.”

Buffy came in and was greeted warmly by Dawn, Willow, and Tara. They were worried about how disheveled and beat up Buffy looked, but she was alive, and she was safe now.

Dawn leaned out the door and looked around the front porch. “Where’s Spike? Didn‘t he come back with you? That's his coat, isn't it? He had to come with you.”

Buffy looked down. “No, he... um...”

Dawn became alarmed. “Oh no... did something happen to him? Is he okay?!”

“Spike’s fine,” Buffy said, putting her sister’s mind to rest. “But he... got beat down a lot tonight, too. I insisted that he try and get some rest and not come home with me.” That was as truthful as Buffy wanted to be with them at the moment.

Dawn nodded, relieved to hear that Spike was alright.

“You need to go to the hospital,” Joyce said resolutely, going toward the kitchen. "Let me get my purse and --"

"Mom, I don't need to go to the hospital. I'm okay, really. I _will_ be okay."

Joyce turned back to her, scanning Buffy with her eyes. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sore and tired, but nothing's broken. I just need to crawl into bed and sleep for a day... or ten.” 

Tara said, "I hope Mr. Giles and the others come back soon, or at least call, so they know you're alright."

"Yeah, they've been out looking for you for a long time," Dawn said. "They don't even know you called home yet."

"Call..." Buffy thought there was someone she'd wanted to call... Then she remembered. "I have to call Angel before I can relax."

"Angel? Why?" Willow asked.

"Because Dru said something about going to L.A. She and Darla want to try to turn him evil again. I've got to warn him that she might be heading his way," Buffy explained. 

Willow's brow furrowed. "Darla? But isn't she..."

"Yeah, I know, she's supposed to be nothing but a pile of dust. But, according to Dru, she's back among the living -- or living dead."

"I can call Angel," Willow volunteered. "You go upstairs and get some rest."

Buffy sighed, but nodded. She was too tired to argue. She thought she should make the call herself, but as long as Angel was informed, it didn't matter who actually called. "Angel Investigations' number is in the Rolodex in the living room."

Willow nodded and hurried into the living room.

Dawn, Tara, and Joyce surrounded Buffy to help her up the stairs, they were afraid she might fall down from how weak and unsteady she seemed.

Joyce sniffed. "Buffy... you smell like a distillery. Have you been drinking?"

"Um... I did have a drink. But what you're smelling is probably the booze that Spike used on my cuts. He didn't have any regular antiseptic..."

"Well, that would definitely explain the whiskey fumes curling off of you. Do you have a lot of cuts? What did that horrible woman do to you?" Joyce asked with concern.

"I have a lot of superficial cuts... nothing serious," Buffy replied anxiously -- she really didn't want to have to show her mom her injuries.

"You didn't get to stake Dru, huh?" Dawn asked, taking Buffy's arm and helping her avoid any of their mother's follow-up questions.

"Spike tried twice... but she's a lot trickier than you'd expect a total lunatic to be."

Dawn frowned, but then smiled a little. "I told them Spike wouldn't hurt you. I knew he'd try helping you. I'm gonna rub it in real good when Xander comes back."

Buffy looked briefly at her mom and Tara, and then back at Dawn. "You guys thought Spike was the one who kidnapped me?"

"Well... until you called we weren't sure," Joyce said, feeling guilty for suspecting Spike for even a moment. "We didn't know _what_ had happened to you. Thank goodness Spike helped you get away from that awful Drusilla."

"Yes... he did. I'd be dead right now if it wasn't for him..." Buffy flashed back to some of Spike's heroics from earlier in the evening. He really had come through for her... She pushed thoughts of him out of her head for now. It was too confusing -- hating him and wanting to cuddle him at the same time. 

"I assume Spike will be dropping by sometime tomorrow..." Joyce glanced at a window. "Make that _today_. I'd like to thank him for helping you."

"No, I don't think he'll be... dropping by," Buffy said, remembering how she'd told him to stay away. At Dawn's questioning look, Buffy added, "He needs a few days, at least, to recover. So I don't want anyone else," she looked pointedly at Dawn, "going to see him, either. Let him... rest."

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Okay, I get the message. Spike will come here when he's feeling better, we can thank him then."

Buffy just nodded. She wasn't about to go into the reasons why Spike _wouldn't_ be coming to the house again. Yes, it was true that Spike notoriously hadn't listened to any warnings Buffy had given him in the past, but something told her he really would stay away this time. He'd looked so forlorn, so resigned... Even now it tugged at Buffy's heart to picture the way he'd looked when she left the crypt.

Then Buffy got angry at herself for feeling that way. She thought, _'Stop it! He deserved everything I said! He's creepy and deranged, don't feel sorry for him!'_

As they made their way into Buffy's room, Joyce asked, "What exactly happened tonight, Buffy? How did Drusilla get you in a position to hurt you the way she did?"

"It's a very long story," Buffy replied, groaning as she climbed onto her bed. "I'll tell everyone all about it tomorrow. Right now... I can barely think straight."

"Don't you want to get into your pajamas?" Joyce asked, wanting to do something to make Buffy feel better. "Maybe a bath or shower would be a good first step. You want me to run you a bath, honey? I'll put in those bath beads you like."

"No..." Buffy pulled Spike's coat tighter around her. "I just want to sleep." She didn't want to take the coat off for her mother to see the dozens of slashes and the picture Dru had carved into her.

"What about some hot chocolate?" Joyce put the comforter on top of Buffy, tucking her in.

Dawn said, "Yeah, that's a good comfort food kinda thing. It's Spike's favorite. He likes the little marshmallows."

Buffy sighed. Dawn apparently knew of all the things Spike loved (including Buffy herself). But that's what you did when you were crushing on someone, you made it your duty to find out what they liked.

"I'll go make that hot chocolate for you, sweetie." Joyce bent down and kissed Buffy on the forehead.

"I don't want you running around taking care of me, Mom. I'm sorry I made you worry tonight..." Buffy's eyes glistened with tears. 

"You're my daughter, it's my job to worry about you." She patted Buffy on the head, and then went downstairs.

"How bad are you hurt... really?" Dawn asked seriously, sitting on the edge of the bed. "I know you didn't want Mom to worry, so you downplayed it, didn't you? Is it bad?" 

"I have some bruised ribs, I'm sore as hell, and I have lots and lots of cuts. I don't want Mom to see how many cuts I have on my arms, stomach, and back." Buffy looked to Tara. "Could you and Willow make healing thingies for me?"

"Y-you mean like poultices and balms?" Tara asked, nodding.

"Yeah, stuff like that. I wouldn't say no to a healing spell, either."

"Sure, Buffy, we can do that. Healing magick is kind of my specialty." Tara smiled. "We can have everything ready for when you wake up."

"Thanks, Tara." Buffy yawned wide. "I don't think I can stay awake for the hot cocoa..."

"It's more important that you sleep," Tara said, putting her hand on Dawn's shoulder to tell her they should leave. 

Dawn put her hand over Buffy's good hand, and then stood up. "If you need anything, just call us, okay?"

Buffy nodded, her eyes closing and sleep already beginning to claim her.

Dawn and Tara tiptoed out of the room and shut the door.

* * *

As Buffy was emerging from the sewer onto Revello Drive, Spike was about to receive more uninvited guests. It was a little over a half hour after Buffy had fled the crypt, and Spike was on his second bottle of whiskey.

He was sitting on the ground with his back against the wall, drinking, smoking, but mainly just staring off into space. The radio was still on, and he dazedly sang along with whatever happened to be playing.

Spike was a bloody mess, he needed to clean up his stomach, back, and wipe the blood from his forehead and face. But he couldn't be bothered to do it. He could use a pint of blood too, but he didn't want to have to go all the way up the ladder to get it. So he sat there and continued drinking himself stupid.

"I couldn't've just taken a few snaps of her..." he mumbled. "Oh no, not me. I had to put together something worthy of the Creepy Stalker Hall of Fame... What the bloody hell is wrong with me? Damn, I'm still thinkin' 'bout her... not drunk enough yet." He took another long drink from the bottle.

Voices coming from above registered in his mind. Spike recognized the voices: Buffy's friends were back. He was _not_ in the mood for company. _'Oh, bloody hell... Go away, go away, go away...'_ He remembered that he hadn't covered the trapdoor the last time he'd come down. They were nosey; they were sure to come down. "Bollocks..."

Were they still looking for Buffy, or had Buffy told them about the shrine? Were they here to dust him for stalking her? Well... at least that would mean Buffy had gotten home safe. Spike would rather not get taken out by one of the sodding Scoobies, but he wouldn't be able to put up much resistance if it went down that way. He was just so bloody tired.

Spike closed his eyes and groaned when he heard Xander say, "Hey, check it out. There's a ladder... and I can hear music."

"We should... take care. We don't know what's waiting for us down there," Giles cautioned.

"Let's go down. Spike's responsible for what happened to Buffy, I know it," Xander insisted.

Spike clenched his jaw when he heard them climbing down to the lower crypt. He really didn't want to deal with them. 

Xander, Anya, and Giles had been heading back to Buffy's house when they decided to check Spike's crypt one more time. The three of them had come by earlier, but Spike hadn't been home. Xander still had a feeling that Spike was either responsible for Buffy's disappearance or involved in it somehow.

Xander went down the ladder first, followed by Anya and then Giles.

"Remarkable," Giles said once they were all standing at the bottom of the ladder. "This might be part of a network of catacombs under the city."

"Spike has a nice setup down here," Anya commented. "Very cozy."

There was a pyramid of skulls near them on the floor. "Call me a kook, but piles of skulls don't say 'cozy' to me." Xander shivered. "Martha Stewart he's not..."

Anya shrugged. "I didn't say it couldn't use a woman's touch. Some throw pillows here and there, a few nicely framed photos and one of those cute kitten posters on the walls, fewer piles of skulls, and it could be a much warmer and vibrant room."

"Spike?" Giles called warily. They walked further into the room. "Spike, are you here?"

"He's gotta be here," Xander whispered. "The radio's on, and I'm about to choke on fresh cigarette smoke."

Spike sighed as he watched them go past him. They didn't notice him sitting in the shadows on the floor. He thought about staying quiet and motionless, hoping they would leave without ever knowing he was here. But they'd probably start pawing through his belongings.

Xander turned off the radio.

Spike's voice was low and gravelly, "What the bloody hell do you want?" 

Xander let out a little squeak as the three of them spun around.

"Good Lord..." Giles was startled by Spike's voice, and by the condition Spike was in.

"Why didn't you answer us when we called your name?" Anya asked, putting a hand to her chest. "You could have given poor Giles a heart attack -- it's not nice to frighten the elderly."

"Elderly?!" Giles exclaimed. "I bloody well am not _elderly_!"

"I only meant that you're elderly compared to me and Xander."

Giles started to counter that statement, then grimaced and shook his head. "Never mind. We need to deal with this situation right now..." He would be discussing the definition of 'elderly' with Anya later. He took a steadying breath and looked at Spike. "Spike, what happened to you?"

"I think I can name that tune in one note," Xander said, glaring at Spike. "Spike tried doing something to Buffy and she beat the shit out of him."

Spike used the wall to push himself up to his feet. "Buffy should be home by now. Go talk to her," he said tiredly. 

Xander tightened his hold around the stake in his hand. "We're here looking for Buffy. What did you do to her?"

"Your ears not workin', Special Ed? I told you," Spike cupped a hand around his mouth to amplify his voice, "Buffy went home!"

"Aha! So you admit that she _was_ here!" Xander said victoriously. "You lied to us the first time we came here tonight. You wouldn't let us come in because she was here -- I knew it!"

Spike leaned back against the wall. "I wasn't lying. She wasn't here then." He went to take another drink but found the bottle empty. He sighed and dropped it on the floor. 

Xander wasn't buying it. "I don't believe you."

"You don't, eh?" Spike shrugged and smiled. "Blow me."

Xander suddenly rushed at and shoved Spike against the wall. He grabbed Spike by the throat while holding the stake cocked back. "You think this is funny?! What did you do to Buffy?!"

"I didn't do anything to her!" Spike choked out. Then it occurred to him that he might actually be able to hurt Xander without getting zapped by the chip. Dru had hypnotized him so that the chip wouldn't affect him -- but he hadn't had a chance to test it on a human besides Buffy... _yet_.

Xander yelled, "Tell me where Buffy really is -- and what you did to her -- or I'll stake your sorry ass!"

Spike grabbed Xander by the shoulder and wrist, not applying too much pressure, just keeping Xander from staking him. But it would be a simple matter to snap the boy's arm. Spike's lips curled into a smile at that thought. But the smile and the rush he got at the thought of hurting Xander didn't last long. If he injured or killed Xander, he'd have to fight Anya and Rupert when they inevitably tried protecting Xander. He didn't want to hurt them, he really had nothing against the ex-demon or the ex-Watcher. But what really got to Spike was thinking what it would do to Buffy if he hurt any of them. Her friends were everything to her, she'd be devastated if something bad happened to any one of them. And if it was him that hurt her friends, that would just add insult to injury. Spike knew any hope he had of being with Buffy was gone, but he still couldn't hurt her like that. He never wanted to be the cause of her pain ever again. 

So, Spike didn't snap Xander's arm like a twig. The boy didn't know just how lucky he was that Spike remembered to mind his manners at the last second. Instead, Spike channeled his anger into his expression and voice. "Take your stinkin' paws off me -- _now_ ," Spike growled, his eyes flashed gold but he didn't morph into his vampire face.

Xander didn't know for sure if Spike couldn't fight back, he still wondered if the chip had malfunctioned... but the look Spike was giving him was almost enough to make him piss his pants -- and the chip wouldn't kick in for deadly looks. Spike's teeth were slightly bared, his blue eyes were darkened, narrowed, and as cold as ice. Xander had never seen someone look quite so evil. And it wasn't even Spike's vamp face. Xander released him and took several steps backward.

Spike continued to glower at Xander while rubbing his throat. "I didn't hurt Buffy. I _helped_ her get away. She set off for home through the sewers..." He trailed off because he didn't know how much time had passed; he'd been too mired in misery and depression to keep track of time. "Couldn't've been too long ago."

"If you didn't do it, then who _did_ abduct Buffy?" Giles pressed for an answer.

Spike walked unsteadily past them to get another bottle of whiskey. "It was Dru. And that's all I'm gonna tell ya. I don't care to relive any bit of it. Get the story from Buffy, 'cos I ain't talkin'."

"Drusilla, your crazy ex-girlfriend?" Anya asked. She'd never met Dru, but she'd heard enough to know her being in town was a very bad thing.

Spike nodded. "And time hasn't dulled the crazy any. I think she's gotten more sadistic... she remembers those lessons Angelus taught her very well."

"Dear Lord, Drusilla's back?" Giles said anxiously. "We have to --"

Spike shook his head as he twisted the cap off a bottle. "She's come an' gone. Left for greener pastures with her new idiot minion boy-toy... reminded me of Finn, he did."

"Alright then... let's go see if Buffy really is home. You'd better not be lying to us, Spike," Giles warned.

"I'm not bloody lying," Spike growled between clenched teeth. "Go to her house or call her mum. If she's not there, then you can come back and kill me. 'Ow's that?" he asked, flinging his arms out to the sides and making his heart an easy target, before dropping them wearily back down to his sides.

"Yeah," Xander said, finally getting over how Spike's malevolent gaze had spooked him, "we go to Buffy's house to check out your story, leaving you here all by your lonesome. And you'll just stay put and wait for us to come back, huh?"

Spike laughed a bit crazily (which also spooked Xander). "You think I'll run off? I've got nowhere else to go. This..." Spike spread his arms out to encompass the room. "This is all I have. So yeah... I'll be right here."

"There are payphones not far outside the cemetery gates," Giles said. "Anya and I will go and check out Spike's story. Xander, you can stay here and... keep an eye on him."

Xander wasn't sure he wanted to be alone with Spike after the multiple spookings. "Uh... Anya doesn't have to go. She can stay here too."

Giles took off his glasses and polished them. "Ah, I see... I'm supposed to go traipsing through the cemetery at night by myself. Yes, of course, nothing could possibly happen to me." He put his glasses back on and gave Xander a look. "It would be wise for two people to go to make the phone call -- one person can keep a lookout for any would-be attackers. If you're not comfortable being alone with Spike, then you and Anya can go and I'll stay here -- it doesn't matter! Let's just get it over with. It's been a _very_ long night."

Anya hooked her arm through Xander's. "I don't think you have to be afraid of him, honey. Spike's all beat up and, by the looks of it, he's very drunk and only getting drunker. You could probably easily take him in a fight. Although normally, with his vampire strength, he could just rip you in half and stomp on your entrails... if the chip didn't stop him."

Spike chuckled as he lit a cigarette. He found it amusing to think Xander was afraid of him, and that was without the boy knowing about the (possibly) hypnosis-blocked chip.

Xander frowned, the vision of Spike stomping on his guts flashing in his mind. Xander swallowed back the lump in his throat and pushed that image away. "I'm not afraid of him. You and Giles go ahead and call Buffy's house. I'll... stay here, no problem!"

Anya turned to Spike. "Spike, does your chip work or are you able to hurt people?"

Spike raised an eyebrow and blew out a stream of smoke. "Still works... far as I know."

Anya gave Xander a kiss on the cheek. "There, see? His chip works."

"And we're taking his word for that?" Xander asked.

"Well, if he attacks you and doesn't get corrected by the chip, then we'll know for sure. Until then, we have no reason to think it doesn't work." Anya turned to Spike again. "There was wild speculation tonight as to whether your chip still worked or not. Everyone thought you did something horrible to Buffy. Well, when I say 'everyone' I mean everyone except myself and Dawn."

Xander sighed. "Anya, will you and Giles just go and call Buffy's house, please?"

"When is your bloody Scooby club gonna get cell phones?" Spike asked irritably. "Seems like it'd be a wise investment to me."

"I've thought of getting one of those," Anya said. "I'm just shopping around for the best bargain. I'd like to find one that looks like a communicator from Star Trek, Xander would enjoy that."

Giles sighed and went to the ladder. "Come along, Anya."

Xander gripped the stake in his hand as Giles and Anya climbed back up to the upper level. 

Spike snorted and took another drink. "Everyone thought I turned on Buffy... You lot always expect the worst of me, don' you?"

"Oh, we only expect the worst of you 'cause we _know_ you," Xander said sarcastically, waving his hand. "I don't know how you got Dawn wrapped around your finger... She thinks you can do no wrong -- she's obviously a very naive kid."

Spike was about to tell Xander to shut up... but the wanker was right, wasn't he? Spike was no good and it wasn't smart for Dawn to hang around him. He'd probably eventually hurt her in some way, too.

"Y'know, Spike, the fact that you don't want to tell me what happened tonight, and how Buffy wound up here, tells me that you're trying to hide your role in the whole thing."

"Well then, it's a bloody good thing I don't give a damn what you think." Spike grinned.

A few minutes went by without either of them saying a word. 

Spike sat on the end of the bed, continuing to drink and waiting for Giles and Anya to come back. He was anxious to hear if Buffy actually made it home in one piece. If anything happened to her because of him... Hating himself more than he already did seemed impossible, but he was certain he'd drown in self-loathing if Buffy was hurt or killed on her way home. If that happened, it would be a relief for the git to stake him and put him out of his misery.

"Should've followed her... to make sure... staking would've been worth it," Spike mumbled to himself. "Shouldn't've let..."

Xander looked apprehensively at Spike and sat down in a big, orange chair, keeping a good hold on the stake in his hand (just in case). Spike seemed a little crazy -- the Drusilla kind of crazy. That could be a problem. 

Spike looked at Xander, seeming to suddenly remember he wasn't alone. He sniffed and smiled. "Ain't this nice? We never get the chance to hang out, just us boys."

"If they come back and say you were lying... I don't think I need to tell you what will happen," Xander said seriously.

"No, please tell me. Don't make me beg." Spike laughed.

"I bet you'll be doing some begging when they come back."

Spike gave Xander the backwards peace sign. "Get stuffed."

"If you hurt her..." 

Spike growled in frustration. "I'm not the one who hurt her! How many bloody times do I have to..." Then he went from angry to looking confused and sad. He looked away from Xander and mumbled, "I didn't hurt the girl... not physically..."

"Hunh? What's that mean -- 'not physically'?"

Spike just shook his head and waved off the question, unwilling to explain.

"It's true, isn't it? You're in love with Buffy, aren't you?"

Spike didn't respond. He picked at the label of the whiskey bottle in his hand.

"I laughed when she told me," Xander said. "I thought it was hysterical."

Spike slowly looked up at Xander, glaring at him.

"And then she came here to tell you that you didn't have a chance in hell of getting with her, and you couldn't handle it. You went nuts."

Spike rolled his eyes and took another drink. "Unlike Dru, you don't have psychic powers -- that's not even close to what happened. Give the soothsaying a rest, Kreskin, you don't know what the bloody hell you're talkin' 'bout."

"Well, you're not filling in the blanks, Spike, so I'm gonna draw my own conclusions. If it wasn't Buffy, then it was Dru who beat the crap out of you?"

"Several people took several swings at me tonight -- I don't know all their names, but none of them was named 'Buffy'." Spike sighed. "Women... they can break us so easily. Now, that Anya..." Spike took a drink, wagging his finger at Xander while he swallowed. "You got a right catch there, Harris. She's smart, strong, beautiful -- don't fuck up what you have with her."

"I didn't plan on it."

"We never _plan_ on fucking things up, do we? No, it just... happens. We just go around bein' our daft selves and don't realize how wrong we are until it's too late..."

"Speak for yourself."

Spike stood up and started slowly pacing in front of the bed. "Oh, you've never bollixed up a good thing before? How 'bout when you lost Cordelia, nearly killed her, 'cos she caught you snogging Red?"

"That... That was _your_ fault! If you hadn't kidnapped --"

Spike laughed. "Ah, I see I'm not the only one who tries blamin' everyone else but himself."

Xander frowned. "How the hell do you even know about that? You were already gone when Willow and I got caught."

"Got my sources." Dawn was the one who'd filled Spike in on a lot of Sunnydale goings on. Dawn had a big problem keeping information to herself, apparently. That was great in Spike's opinion, as long as the Bit didn't go around blabbing about _his_ secrets and feelings to other people.

"Okay... maybe you weren't _completely_ to blame for that..." Xander acquiesced. "I know I fucked that up. It was stupid, and... it turned out to be for nothing, anyway. Willow and I went back to being just friends."

"You're still not as bad as me. No one can beat me when it comes to the art of self-sabotage... I'm the bloody master!" Spike chuckled and swayed a bit on his feet.

"You still won't tell me what Dru did tonight?" Xander thought he might be able to get the truth out of Spike with a little gentle prodding since he seemed a bit more talkative.

"Why should I bother? Like you'd believe a word I said? The only reason you and I are havin' this nice chat is 'cos you're waiting for your chums to confirm if I was tellin' the truth about Buffy being home. I'm not gonna relive the hell I went through tonight just so you can _not_ believe me about it. I won't waste my breath."

"You don't have to breathe."

Spike screwed up his face. "It's an expression, ya ponce!"

"Well, I'd rather hear your version of what happened tonight instead of listening to you ramble on about weird shit."

"I talk about what I want in my own bloody home," Spike said, gesturing with the bottle in his hand and spilling some of the whiskey. "You don't like it? Then bugger off!"

"If it turns out you're lying, we'll put the thumbscrews to you until you tell us where Buffy really is and what really happened. Maybe shove a stake into various parts of your body until you tell the truth for once in your miserable life."

Spike glanced at him, halfheartedly raising an eyebrow. "You go in for torture, do you? Have more in common with Angelus than you care to admit."

"I'm a peaceful guy until someone fucks with my friends. Then all bets are off."

"You wanna stake me? Go ahead," Spike said, spreading his arms out, tilting his head back, and thrusting his chest out.

Xander just stared at him for a few moments. "It's no fun if you actually _want_ me to do it... Don't you want to wash the blood off yourself?" he asked. He was no stranger to cuts and bruises, but Spike being all bloody was disconcerting.

Spike shrugged. "I kinda like it. If the blood bothers you, you can always leave."

"That looked like an arrow wound on your back..."

"Yeah," Spike craned his neck, trying to see around his shoulder. "That was Harm. She wanted to kill me more than she wanted to kill Buffy, so that one counts more for me protecting myself. Oh... forgot I'm not tellin' you anything. Disregard what I said 'bout Harmony." 

Spike looked down at his chest and set his hand over his heart. "This is the worst one... can't see it, but it's there." Then Spike said in a voice much softer and refined than normal, "'There's only a sucking chest wound where a heart once dwelled..." Then Spike laughed that crazy laugh again. "Nothin' can patch it up, it never heals -- it stays a gaping wound forever."

"O...kay..." Xander said slowly. It sounded as though Buffy _had_ had a talk with Spike about his feelings for her. But Xander was now reluctant to pursue the matter; he was afraid Spike might come completely unhinged. 

"I told her not to go alone, y'know? I told her walkin' home like that..." Tears shone in Spike's eyes. "She didn't want to stay... I just wanted to make sure she got home safe. You understand, don't you?" He looked at Xander.

"Yeah... sure, I understand. Hey, why don't you sit down? Whatever it is that happened... you obviously had a rough night." Xander didn't want to feel sorry for him -- after all, Spike could be in such bad shape because he'd tried hurting Buffy -- but he did feel kind of bad for Spike. Xander knew the pain of rejection all too well. What do you know, he did have something in common with Spike. Buffy had rejected him, too, all those years ago.

Spike nodded slowly. "Yeah... sitting. Sitting is good. Layin' down is even better. I'll be over here." He walked carefully over to the bed, looking as if he might fall over with every step. He climbed onto the bed and sighed when he was finally at rest on his side, facing away from Xander. "I'm gonna take a catnap... Don't bother wakin' me if you want to stake me... just bloody do it."

After a minute, Xander got out of the chair and went to the bed, checking to see if Spike was really asleep. 

"Spike?" 

Spike's eyes stayed closed and he didn't respond. Xander breathed a sigh of relief to see that Spike had fallen asleep or passed out.

* * *

Anya and Giles returned, walking back into the upper level of Spike's crypt.

"I told you we should've called Buffy's house to check in before going to Spike's place," Anya said. "But did you listen? Nooooo. Maybe next time something happens, everyone will listen to me. I have a unique insight into the human mind -- and the minds of demons too. And who voted to put Willow in charge before? I'm older and much more qualified to lead a group. Is she automatically next in line after you and Buffy? And if so, why?"

"Thank you for another rousing refrain of 'I told you so'. It's very constructive!" Giles' patience was worn thin from hearing her saying the same things all the way back from the payphone.

"I'm just saying that I was right -- about _everything_ \-- and no one gives me credit for having a brain."

"Yes, Anya, we will all pay careful attention to everything you say in the future. Oh, what a lucky man Xander is to have you as his helpmate."

She smiled. "Thank you, Giles! I..." Anya looked at him suspiciously. "Wait a minute... was that sarcasm? I don't like sarcasm, it's passive-aggressive."

"I'm just... very tired, Anya," Giles groaned, taking off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. "Now that we know Buffy is safe, all I want to do is go home and get a few hours of sleep before I have to open the shop. Would you go down there and collect Xander so we can leave?"

Anya went over to the trapdoor. She bent over and called down, "Xander, I hope you didn't dust Spike, because he was telling the truth -- Buffy _is_ home, and he _did_ help her."

Xander dashed to the ladder and looked up at her. "He was actually telling the truth? Did you talk to Buffy?"

"Giles talked to her mother. Buffy said Spike risked his own life to help her escape from Drusilla."

"Oh..." Xander glanced at Spike's sleeping form. "I can't help but feel kinda bad now for all the... threatening I did."

"You should." Anya nodded. "You were very rude to, and threatened to kill, the person who saved your friend's life."

Xander rolled his eyes. "You always know just what to say to make me feel better."

She smiled, then frowned. "What is it with you people and sarcasm?"

"Xander, please come up out of there so we can go home," Giles called tiredly.

Xander looked back at Spike, and then climbed up the ladder.

"You should have apologized to Spike for the way you treated him. You didn't stake him, did you?" Anya asked, trying to look past Xander into the lower level.

"No, he fell asleep or passed out. As far as apologizing goes... I'll buy him a beer or mug of blood, whatever."

The three of them left the crypt and headed to Giles' car.

"I think Spike lost his shit," Xander said, looking back at the crypt.

Giles sighed. "Ah, you Americans have such colorful phrases. He soiled himself?"

Xander rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, I think he went crazy. He said really weird things, and he kept... laughing," Xander clarified.

"He was drunk," Anya said. "Drunk people find most things funny and they usually only make sense to other drunk people. And Spike had been hit on the head at least once earlier, that might have added to the weird-talk."

"I guess... but Buffy had to have told him she knew how he felt about her, and then rejected him. He told me he didn't care if I staked him."

"Spike will feel better once he sobers up and his impressively muscled, sculpted body has a chance to heal."

"Hey..." Xander frowned. "Why were you looking at his body?"

Anya shrugged. "He had his shirt off, and I'm a heterosexual female, I couldn't help it. He's attractive, especially with those sexy flesh wounds."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I ended the chapter with Buffy and Spike on the outs, but I was feeling evil >:D lol Thanks to everyone for the yummy reviews! I haven't had time to answer all of them yet, but I'll get to 'em!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many thanks to my master-beta Passion4Spike! And big, sloppy kisses to all my loyal readers *SMOOOOCH*
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy had been asleep for over a day straight when she finally woke up and stretched. She'd been in a deep, dreamless sleep; she couldn't remember any dreams she might have had. It was more like a brief coma than normal sleep; her body and mind really needed the rest.

It took a few moments for her sore muscles to start complaining, reminding her of the punishment her body had endured on that long, grueling night. But she was alive, she'd survived it. 

Buffy sat up, turned, and put her feet on the floor. Her mind was still fuzzy, but the events following Drusilla kidnapping her flashed through Buffy's mind.

Spike. He'd saved her from Dru. Buffy remembered letting herself get _very_ close to him. She closed her eyes and shivered, hugging herself. Spike had been so gentle and caring when they'd gotten back to his crypt... The feel of soft leather under her hands made her realize that she was still wearing Spike's coat, she'd slept in it. Buffy fingered the lapel and brought it to her nose, Spike's scent lingered on the supple leather.

And then Buffy remembered that shrine. She had let herself believe Spike could be a good man, she'd let herself feel things for him, she'd been stupid enough to think there might be a future for the two of them, she'd _wanted_ him. But that shrine was proof Spike hadn't changed, he wasn't a man, he was still a monster.

She felt tears stinging her eyes, and shook her head. "No, I won't let it make me cry again. I won't. I won't even think about him. I'll just concentrate on recovering and then getting back to normal."

Buffy took off the coat and set it down on her bed... she'd decide what to do with it later. She walked over to her vanity table. 

"God, I look like shit," Buffy muttered, looking at herself in the mirror. Though she didn't look as bad as she thought she would.

The cuts on her body were mostly healed over, but there were still dark marks on her skin where she'd been slashed; her eye was only a little bit swollen; her bottom lip was almost back to normal; the spots where Dru had clawed her face looked like only shallow scratches now, not slashes; her left hand felt a bit stiff, but it was much improved; and the bruising on her ribcage didn't look as bad. Buffy took the bandages off her wrists, and was pleased to see there'd been improvement there too. The quick healing thing was one of the best perks of Slayerdom.

Then her eyes wandered to the bite mark on her shoulder. It was mostly healed too, there were only two dark spots where Spike's fangs had plunged into her skin. She touched the bite lightly with her fingertips, seeing the events leading up to and following it flash behind her eyes.

_'Don't try inventing a way to start blaming him for that. It wasn't his fault...'_ the little voice in her head told her. But Buffy wanted to hate Spike for biting her, she wanted to find every reason in the world for why she should hate him and continue hating him forever, or until he was dust, whichever came first.

"That was the _real_ Spike who said those things to me... the one who hurt and bit me," Buffy countered her inner-voice's defense of Spike. "Everything else was... just a lie." The little voice only sighed sadly in response.

There was a light knocking at her bedroom door. 

Buffy hurried to put on her fuzzy blue bathrobe and cinch it around her waist. "Come in."

Joyce entered the room and smiled. "Thank goodness you're awake! You've been asleep for almost two days."

"Two days?" Buffy blinked, wondering how she could have stayed asleep for such a long period of time. And why did she still feel like she could go back to sleep? She had a nagging feeling that she'd slept through something important... 

Looking over at her puppies and kitties calendar on the wall, she groaned -- 'English Lit 10:00!' was written in red magic marker on today's date. "Damn... I had a class this morning." 

"I'm sure they'll understand..." Joyce began.

Buffy hmmphed, interrupting her. "They don't care about excuses -- you writing a note to excuse me from missing school because I was kidnapped by a psychopath won't fly in college."

"Honey, you needed to sleep. But don't worry, Willow has your schedule and she said she'll get your assignments from your teachers while you're recuperating."

Buffy sighed, feeling slightly relieved. "That's good. Now I just have to find time to _do_ the assignments." She put her hand on her stomach when it growled. "I guess being asleep for two days would explain why my stomach feels so empty."

"I'll fix you something to eat in a minute." Joyce walked over to her and held her arms out. "Can I hug you yet?"

Buffy smiled and nodded. "Lightly, though."

They hugged each other.

"I was so worried about you," Joyce said as she released Buffy from the hug. 

"I'm sorry you had to worry..."

"It's okay. You had no control over any of that... unpleasantness. But you're home and you're on the road to recovery now -- that's what matters. How are you feeling?"

Buffy grimaced a little and shrugged. "Better, but I'm still really tired. Would it be weird if I ate something and then went back to sleep for a while? I think my Slayer healing ability requires more sleep to work its magic."

"Whatever you need to do to feel better, honey. Why don't you take a nice, relaxing bath while I make you something to eat?"

"Yeah, that sounds good. Where's Dawn?"

"She's downstairs. Dawn's been very good about checking on you while you slept; she was worried about you, too. Willow and Tara said they did a healing spell for you while you were asleep. Do you think it helped?"

Buffy turned her attention inward, concentrating on how her body felt again. "I think it did help, yeah. I'll have to thank them next time I see them." 

"I'll call the Magic Box and let everyone know you're doing well. But I'll tell them to hold off on coming to see you until you feel more rested."

"Thanks. I still don't really feel up to rehashing everything that happened with Dru yet... Is anything going on in town that I should know about?" Buffy asked. "And please, don't pretend nothing's going on if there really is just because you don't want me running out to slay a demon."

"Nothing important has happened -- that's the truth, I promise. You know what's strange, though? Spike hasn't been here yet. I expected to see him at the front door tonight as soon as the sun set."

"Oh... well, it's not too strange, really." Buffy swallowed nervously; she still wasn't ready to tell anyone what really happened between herself and Spike. "I told you he took a lot of punishment that night."

"Yes... but," Joyce started to say.

Dawn poked her head in the door. "Hi, is it okay if I come in?"

Buffy smiled at her sister and waved her into the room. "Hey, Dawnie."

The sisters gave each other a small hug.

"How're you feeling, Buffy Van Winkle?" Dawn asked.

"Huh?"

"Ya know, like Rip Van Winkle," Dawn explained. "The guy who slept for like a hundred years in that story."

"Oh okay, I get it now." Buffy rubbed her sleepy eyes. "I'm still groggy. Rip Van Winkle... isn't that Vanilla Ice's real name?"

"Yeah, you're still a little groggy," Dawn giggled.

The three of them laughed, happy that they were all together again.

"I'm doing better," Buffy sighed. "But I'm still really tired, and I've got some more healing to do."

"How about I make you Chicken n' Stars soup with some crackers on the side?" Joyce asked. That was something she'd made for Buffy many times when her daughter had felt under the weather.

"That'd be great, Mom. Thanks."

"Dawn, you want to help out by running a bath for your sister?" Joyce asked as she walked to the door.

"Run her a bath? What am I, her butler?" Dawn joked.

"Dawn..." Joyce said with an admonishing tone.

"Okay, geez... I was just being funny." Then Dawn tried doing an imitation of an English butler, "Very well, I'll draw Miss Buffy's bath."

"Hey, I like that idea," Buffy continued the joke. "You can be my little helper and attend to my every whim," she said, ruffling Dawn's hair.

Dawn giggled and ducked away from Buffy's hand. 

Joyce stopped and smiled at her daughters before continuing on her way to the kitchen. It was good to have her family back together again.

"I've gotta put on some fresh clothes," Buffy said, going to her dresser. She started taking off her robe, then paused and looked at Dawn.

Dawn noticed Buffy's hesitation. "Are you feeling suddenly shy, or is it that you don't want me to see how beat up you are?" Dawn asked.

"It's a little of both. But I don't look nearly as bad as I did when I came home."

"I'll go fill up the bathtub." Dawn started out of the room, but then stopped and turned back around. "I'm really glad you're okay."

Buffy smiled. "Thanks."

Dawn wanted to say something, but she wasn't sure if she should bring it up. "Um... I don't want to give you a hard time right now 'cause you got tortured and stuff by a psycho, but I do want to talk to you about blabbing to Xander and telling him I have a crush on Spike. Did _everyone_ have to know about it?"

Buffy sighed, her shoulders slumped. "Thanks a lot, Xander..." She looked apologetically at her little sister. "I'm sorry, Dawn, I was telling Xander about Spike crushing on me, and it just kind of slipped out that I thought you... kinda liked Spike. That's how our conversation about crushes and love started when I was walking you home from the crypt, remember?"

"Xander talked to me like I was retarded." Dawn did an extra whiny imitation of Xander, "Eww! How can you like _hiiiim_?!" Dawn pouted. "It was really embarrassing."

"Xander was totally jealous, that might be why he gave you an extra helping of condescension. Xander _laughed_ about Spike possibly being in love with me, but he was upset when he heard you had a crush on Spike."

"Good." Dawn smirked.

"Would it help if I kicked Xander's ass for making you feel dumb?"

"It might. Please tell me you didn't tell _Spike_ about my crush." Dawn gulped, looking at her big sister nervously.

"No... I don't think I did." Buffy honestly couldn't remember if she'd let that slip at any point during the evening.

"You don't _think_ you did?" Dawn put her hands over her face. "Oh my God, I'll die of embarrassment if you told him! I'll never be able to look him in the eye again!"

"Dawn..." Buffy wasn't sure what to say -- Spike knew he wasn't allowed to talk to Dawn again, so her being embarrassed wasn't an issue. But Buffy didn't know how to tell her that without upsetting her even more.

"I just... never mind. You need to get all better first. We shouldn't talk about stuff like that right now," Dawn said. She managed a weak smile and then closed the bedroom door. 

A minute later, Buffy heard the water being turned on in the bathroom.

* * *

Almost two hours later, Buffy was bathed, fed, and climbing back into bed. She'd also applied some healing balms that Tara and Willow were considerate enough to make for her and leave with her mom.

She'd put on a loose-fitting, pink nightgown (which felt better on her skin than her Yummy Sushi pajamas she'd originally put on). She felt very relaxed and comfortable, and ready for at least a few more hours of sleep.

Before Buffy slid under the covers, she saw that Spike's coat was still on her bed. She picked up the coat and hugged it to her chest for a few moments.

"Why'd you have to ruin everything, Spike?" Buffy asked sadly. She closed her eyes as pleasant moments spent with Spike ran through her mind: Spike smiling at her, his eyes warm and loving; the joking and laughs they'd shared after all the torment they'd faced that night; Spike being so sweet and attentive when he cleaned and bandaged her wounds; Spike's mouth on hers, her tongue joining his in a gentle duel; Spike's hands and tongue stroking her body, making her desire for him grow with every touch.

She sighed and shook her head. "Don't think about him. It's over. I won't feel _anything_ for Spike ever again."

Buffy went to her closet and hung up the coat, she didn't want to have to look at it. As she made her way back to her bed, she wondered what she'd do with Spike's favorite garment. The thought of giving it back to him rankled her anti-Spike side -- it told her that the coat should be destroyed, like Spike had destroyed her trust and feelings for him. After all, he'd taken the coat off the body of a Slayer he'd killed, so he had no right to wear it, anyway. But the other voice (which she was coming to actively dislike) told her that Spike deserved to have it back -- no matter what else had happened, Spike had done everything he could to protect Buffy and risked his life to save her.

"Shut up, stupid little voice," Buffy growled and turned off the bedside lamp. 

A thought ran through her mind, _'I wonder if Spike's okay? He doesn't have anyone to take care of him. What if Harmony, or loony tunes Dru, came back?'_

She squeezed her eyes closed. "Don't think about him anymore... Don't feel sorry for him. He's out of my life forever." Buffy vowed again to herself to push any thoughts of Spike right out of her head.

Buffy's subconscious mind, however, had other ideas...

 

_Buffy's Dream_

 

Buffy walked into her house through the front door. No one else seemed to be home. 

She looked down at her body and noticed that she was wearing the pink nightgown she'd fallen asleep in -- with Spike's coat over top, and she was barefoot. "Why was I wearing this outside?" Buffy wondered, frowning. 

Buffy looked in the living room. Colorful helium balloons, with a black crow stamped on each of them, covered the ceiling. There were at least thirty tabby cats meowing, some milling around and some just laying on the floor and furniture; two adult lions, one male and one female, were sitting serenely together on the couch amidst the smaller cats. 

The lioness looked at Buffy. Buffy got a feeling of familiarity when she looked into the female's big, green eyes, like she knew the lion personally. Lions didn't usually have green eyes, did they? Buffy wasn't afraid of what the wild animals might do, she trusted them. The lioness emitted a little growl, as if to say 'hello', before resting her head on the male's back. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt," Buffy said and waved to the lions. Then she shrugged and went upstairs to her bedroom. "I'll feed the cats later, I need to go to sleep while it's still dark outside." 

She shut the door and went to her closet, starting to take off Spike's leather duster. "Why am I wearing this thing again? Stupid coat and its stupid vampire owner..."

"I was wonderin' when you'd get here," Spike's voice sounded from across the room.

Buffy gasped and spun around. "Spike!?"

Spike was lying on her bed on his side, propping his head up with his hand and holding a red rose between his teeth. Red rose petals were scattered over the bed and the floor surrounding it. Spike was shirtless, his lower body was hidden by a black silk sheet. His injuries must have healed because there wasn't a scratch on him. Not a scratch on his perfect... chiseled body.

Buffy stared at him with wide eyes, not able to say anything for a moment. "What are you doing in here?! Get out!" She was infuriated that he dared come back to her bedroom after the warning she'd given him. The fact that her inner-voice whispered, _'Oh God, he's so fucking hot! I wonder if he's naked...'_ pissed her off even more. 

"Are you... naked under there?" she asked curiously, her eyes going to the sheet-covered portion of his body. Buffy shook her head to clear it, then refocused on her anger. "If you're naked in my bed I'll... I'll --" she spluttered.

"Join me?" Spike asked as he took the rose out of his mouth, arching an eyebrow and smirking.

"Kill you!" Buffy finished. "Get out of my bed, and then get the hell out of my house!"

Her eyes widened further when he slid out from under the covers -- part of her was secretly _hoping_ he'd be naked. But he was wearing black jeans. "You're sick, you know that?! And incredibly stupid! I warned you about coming here again!"

Spike put an index finger to his lips. "Shhh."

Buffy growled. "It's MY bedroom -- I'll yell if I want to!"

"You don't wanna wake them, do you?" Spike pointed to a birdcage hanging from the ceiling, which contained two sleeping doves, one white and one black. The birds were huddled together on the perch, sleeping peacefully. "They just drifted off a few minutes ago."

"Oh... no, I don't want to wake them up... But I wouldn't have to yell if you weren't here -- it's _your_ fault for being here!" Buffy insisted, trying to keep her voice low. 

She stormed over to her bed and looked under and around the bed, checking to see if Spike had done anything to it. She shook the rose petals off of the top cover. "You're sick!"

"You already said that, luv."

"Yeah, well it bears repeating -- and don't call me 'luv'! I swear to God, if you don't leave by the count of five, I'll dust you!"

Spike looked unconcerned. He smiled and hooked his thumbs into the waistband of his jeans. "No you won't, _luv_."

"I SO will!" Buffy picked a stake up from her nightstand and held it in the air. "One! Two!"

Spike still looked unworried, he still had that infuriating smirk on his face. "You won't do it."

Buffy made a frustrated sound and threw the stake on the floor. "I hate you!"

"Then why can't you do it?" Spike asked.

"Because... I won't kill a defenseless, _pathetic_ creature, that's why -- it would be like killing a kitten," Buffy responded, raising her nose in the air and walking to her bedroom door. She angrily yanked the door open and turned to Spike. "Get out!"

Spike sauntered toward her. "I don't think you want me to leave, pet."

"I can see how you might misinterpret me saying the words 'get out' repeatedly," Buffy said acerbically. She narrowed her eyes at him. "Were you going through my stuff again? Did you steal more things for your crazy stalker-shrine?" 

"Wanna frisk me?" Spike asked, holding his arms out to the sides and then poking his tongue out.

"No! I don't want to touch you!"

Spike turned, put his palms flat on the wall and widened his stance, assuming the frisking position. "Make sure you're thorough when you pat me down -- I'm cunning, I try hiding things in areas I think you won't look."

"Stop it!" Buffy shoved his shoulder, making him stumble sideways.

Spike regained his balance and smiled at her again. "C'mon, Slayer. Was the shrine really all that bad? I only took things I didn't think you'd miss. S'not like I nicked your nitro pills."

"Whether or not you _stole_ things that wouldn't be missed right away isn't the point! And, FYI, I _did_ miss my blue sweater, you freak!"

"People have done a lot worse to you than worship you, and you forgave them."

"I don't want to be worshipped!"

Spike half-shrugged. "And I don't want to be this good-looking and athletic, but we all have our crosses to bear."

Buffy closed her eyes, groaned, and massaged her temples.

"Does what I did, with the pictures and items I nicked... Does that really cancel out the other _good_ things I did?" Spike asked softly.

"N-no... but..." When she looked up, Spike was standing right in front of her, staring into her eyes.

"You wanted a reason to go back to hating me."

"That's not true... why would I want that?" Buffy asked uncertainly. Something about that rang sort of true...

"'Cos there was still that part of you that couldn't accept me. That part of you didn't want to feel anything for me, it didn't want to care or _want_ me. Being my girl would be too messy, too complicated. And explaining to your friends that you had feelings for me? I know you weren't lookin' forward to that."

Buffy rolled her eyes and pushed him out of her way, she walked to her window and looked out on the dark, deserted street. "That's... crazy. _You're_ crazy -- all those years with Dru obviously rubbed off on you. And I'll never be _your girl_!"

"Is it really that farfetched, Slayer?"

"Yes. And we don't have to worry about any consequences from me having feelings for you -- you killed any feelings _or_ desire I had for you."

"Talk to me, Buffy."

"I _am_ talking to you -- unfortunately. I just want you to go away."

"No, talk to the _real_ me, not the Spike here in your dream."

"Oh right... this is a dream..." Buffy frowned, not having realized that this had to be a dream until he mentioned it. The living room full of cats and lions should've been a huge tip-off.

"You owe me the right to explain myself, why I did what I did... to try an' make things right between us again," Spike explained.

"I don't _owe_ you anything." She turned back from the window and gave him her coldest, most uncaring look. "Nothing could ever make us 'right' again. We were never 'right' -- in fact, there was never an 'us' to be right!"

Spike smiled. "I know you don't mean that."

"Arrrg! You're impossible to talk to!" Buffy raked her fingers back through her hair, at her wit's end. "Get the hell out of here before I really do stake you, dammit!" 

A song started playing from an unseen source.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link (and a bonus - it's a Spuffy fan vid :D ):

[ Wicked Game - Chris Isaak ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Id1GRhTSD7g)

}}

Buffy looked up and around the room, searching for a speaker, but there wasn't one. "Where's that music coming from?"

"From your heart," Spike said simply.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "God, you're so cheesy... You're that rare combination of cheesy and psychotic." She felt herself start to falter and getting a little swoony. It was harder than she thought it would be to hate Spike, to keep herself from wanting him. When he looked at her, like he was looking at her right now, his blue eyes smoldering with desire, she felt the urge to just surrender to him -- to let him take her in his arms and hold her, and then he could just _take_ her. The song wasn't helping either, 'Wicked Game' was one of her favorite sexy songs, it always put her in the mood. 

♫ _The world was on fire_  
No one could save me but you  
Strange what desire will make foolish people do  
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you  
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you ♫

Buffy gathered what remained of her resolve. "Why are you still here? Go away!"

"You don't want me to go," Spike said confidently.

"I told you a million times -- I don't want you here!" Buffy maintained.

Spike gave her a rapacious grin and stalked closer to her. "I think you do."

"I don't!" Buffy stepped backwards until she bumped into the wall. "Don't tell me I don't really mean what I know I mean!"

Spike stopped when he was only inches away from her. He put his hands up on the wall on either side of her shoulders, trapping her. "Ah, your lips say no, but your eyes say..." He searched her eyes for a moment. "Alright, the eyes say no, too. But that's not what you really want, Slayer, and you know it."

"Wrong, bleach brain!"

"You have absolutely no desire for me?" Spike asked, his voice deep and silky.

"None." Buffy did her best to convince him (and herself) that was true.

"Okay, I'll go. And I'll never darken your doorstep again." He dropped his eyes to the floor, looking resigned.

"Good!"

He met her gaze again, and Buffy knew she was in trouble by the devilishly sexy look on his face. "But only if you let me kiss you first," he added, raising and lowering his eyebrows. "Gotta get wanting to kiss you outta my system."

"No way in hell is that happening, bub! Just the thought of kissing you..." her eyes strayed to his luscious lips for a moment, "makes me want to puke!" Buffy unconsciously moistened her lips to prepare them for kissing. "I hate your guts!"

Spike smirked and slowly shook his head. "No, you don't."

♫ _No, I don't wanna fall in love_  
(This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I don't wanna fall in love  
(This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you  
With you ♫

Spike's eyes bored into hers, smoldering with lust. "I love you, Buffy. And you care for me, too. You want me in your life, you want to work it out. Admit it."

"That's it! I've had enough of your bullshit!" Buffy tried to punch him, but he caught her wrist easily and raised it over her head. He took her other wrist and held both her arms up over her head and against the wall. His blue eyes were blazing with a passion that took Buffy's breath away. She lamely struggled in his grasp -- not trying nearly as hard to get away as she thought she should.

"Now, about that kiss..." Spike drawled.

Buffy's eyes were hooded with desire, her chest heaved with excitement. And yet, she still tried to convince herself that she wanted nothing to do with him. "Just do it... Do it and get out of here. It'll be worth it if it means you'll be out of my life after it's over." 

Spike leaned in slowly, brushing their lips together, driving Buffy mad with anticipation. And then his mouth covered hers, starting a slow, sensuous kiss. Buffy felt like she could melt into a puddle of goo (how someone whose body was room temperature could make her feel so hot, she didn't know) but she had to end it before he got her any hotter and pretending she didn't want him as much as he wanted her became impossible.

But then the kiss turned more demanding, more passionate. Buffy tried to pretend she hated it, she tried telling herself she was just kissing Spike so he would leave, and not because she was burning for him. She couldn't want him... because that would be _wrong_.

♫ _What a wicked game you play_  
To make me feel this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To let me dream of you  
What a wicked thing to say  
You never felt this way  
What a wicked thing to do  
To make me dream of you ♫

Spike finally broke the kiss, leaving Buffy out of breath. When she opened her eyes, she did her best to look at him coldly and seem unaffected.

"There... you had your _lame-ass_ kiss -- now, let go of me and get out of my house!" Buffy huffed.

Spike released his grip on her wrists, and ran his hands slowly down her arms, but he gave no indication that he was _satisfied_ quite yet.

Buffy thought about shoving him away or hitting him, but his eyes... those twin blue pools of intensity, kept her pinned to the wall and immobile, rendering her capable of only staring back at him.

"You can't tell me you don't want me, pet." Spike's hands moved down over her sides to her hips. "I know it..." His hand moved inward from her hip. "I can _smell_ it."

Spike's hand moving over her mound made Buffy gasp. Much to her dismay, she was feeling a bit squishy in the panties from that kiss. She pushed his shoulders, though not hard enough to send him more than one step back from her. "Don't ever touch me again! You're sickening! I don't want you!"

"You can't fool me, luv. If I couldn't smell it, then I could bloody well _feel_ it -- you're gettin' wet for me, I felt it through this flimsy nightgown." Spike raised his fingers to his nose, and plucked at the front of her nightgown with his other hand.

"Ugh! You're such a pig!" Buffy slapped him across the face.

Spike turned his face back to her, just looking silently and intensely into her eyes.

Suddenly overcome by desire, Buffy growled, took his face in her hands and crushed her lips to his. Spike's hands were immediately back on her body, roaming and groping. Buffy slid a hand down his chest to the growing lump in his jeans, Spike moaned into her mouth when she gave his package a lusty squeeze. 

Buffy gasped with sinful delight when Spike ripped her nightgown off. Her body was on fire, she needed him like she'd never needed any other man. 

♫ _And I wanna fall in love_  
(This world is only gonna break your heart)  
No, I wanna fall in love  
(This world is only gonna break your heart)  
With you ♫

Spike moved his mouth down over her throat. Buffy closed her eyes and tilted her head back as he roughly kissed her neck, and then moved down to nibble and suck at her breasts. "God, I hate you!" she panted, running her hands over his chest and shoulders. She hated him for making her want him like this, and she hated herself for being so weak and needing him -- needing his body, his mouth, his hands, his...

Buffy's hands flew to his belt, frantically unbuckling it. More savage kisses were shared as she worked to free his cock and Spike planted his hand between her legs, rubbing and fingering her through her thin, white panties.

Spike put his free hand over hers at his belt, and pulled back to look at her. Buffy blinked at him, confused as to why he'd stopped her. If he changed his mind and tried to leave now, she'd kick his ass.

The tip of his tongue poked out. "I'm feelin' peckish. Think I'll have me a nummy treat."

Buffy didn't know what he meant at first -- was he saying he was going to bite her again?

Their eyes stayed locked as Spike sank to his knees. Buffy wanted to be a good Slayer and object, she shouldn't yearn for this twisted, sick vampire to do sinful things to her. The Slayer part of her psyche told her to yell at him, to beat him within an inch of his unlife, to demand he leave. But she couldn't form any words. Her body thrummed with excitement and seemed to have a mind of its own, not needing any conscious commands from her brain to know what she really wanted. Her right leg flung itself over Spike's shoulder, and she braced herself with her arms against the wall, silently giving him permission to do as he liked.

Spike ripped her panties off and had his face buried in her pussy within seconds. 

Buffy gasped and threw her head back, banging it against the wall. "Ohh God! I hate you!" She grasped at the sides of his head and tugged on his hair as he devoured her with a beautiful kind of hunger. Buffy didn't want him to leave, she wanted him to do this to her forever. She desired Spike, she couldn't fight it or deny it -- especially not now with his agile tongue sweeping over and probing her sex.

Spike paused and looked up at her face. "You really want me to stop, pet?"

"Don't you dare!" Buffy growled, pushing his face back against her. She could tell it wouldn't take a lot to make her explode. She needed to feel his cock inside her when she came. "God, I need you, Spike! Fuck me now!" Buffy cried, pulling his hair more urgently. 

The doves in the cage were flapping their wings and making noise; they weren't happy about Buffy's shouts waking them up from a sound sleep. Buffy and Spike didn't notice the birds complaining though, they were too wrapped up in each other to notice anything else.

Spike pulled back and smiled up at Buffy, licking his lips greedily. "As you wish." He grabbed her around the waist and brought her swiftly down to the floor with him. 

Spike plastered his mouth over hers, their tongues thrust into the other's mouth as Spike pushed her onto her back on the floor. Buffy's hands went to the front of his jeans again, pulling the zipper down. She used her feet to push his jeans down his thighs, and then wrapped her legs around his waist. Spike quickly positioned himself at her opening and thrust in to the hilt.

Buffy gasped and then moaned loudly, her back arched as Spike's cock filled her. "Ohhhh! Fuck yes!" She panted, scratching and clutching at his back as he began fucking her like a man possessed. 

"Ahh Buffy!" Spike groaned, burying his face in her hair, his hips pistoning against her.

"Uhhhaa! Ohhhh God! Yes, Spike! Fuck me, baby! Fuck me harder!" Buffy howled.

* * *

Buffy jolted awake, her mouth was dry from all the heavy breathing she'd been doing in her sleep. The dream had been so real and vivid... she half-expected to see Spike next to her in bed. But it was just her in the room -- no Spike, and no doves in a cage. And her nightgown was intact; her breathing hitched and her eyes closed in bliss as she remembered Spike ripping it roughly off her body. 

Her eyes opened wide. "Oh my God... I'm having sex dreams about Spike? Very, very hot sex dreams..." She heard the last thing she'd screamed in the dream echoing in her head. "Since when do I wail and talk like a whore in my dreams?" That was the only dream she'd ever had where she'd behaved that way. Buffy was usually quiet during sex in real-life too, she'd just never had the compulsion to scream with pleasure or talk dirty. Dream Spike brought out the dirty porn star in her, apparently. 

Buffy's heart was still beating wildly, tingles still raced through her body.

Shaken, Buffy got out of bed and padded her way to the bathroom to get a drink of _cold_ water. She quickly drank a few small cupfuls and splashed a bit on her face, then sighed and looked up into the mirror on the medicine cabinet. 

How could she still desire Spike, even subconsciously, after what he'd done?

"I'm having dreams, with... erotic elements, about Spike -- so what?" Buffy said to her reflection. "That doesn't mean anything... except that I'm deeply disturbed."

It wasn't crazy enough that Dream Spike had broken down her defenses, gone down on her, and then fucked her like a jackrabbit (and that she'd been ready to pop when the damn dream ended abruptly, leaving her desperate for release), but some of the things Dream Spike said resonated with her too.

The shrine was a bad thing -- no argument there -- but was it really _that_ bad? Was it such a horrible, unforgivable offense? And wasn't it true that she _did_ owe Spike a chance to at least explain himself? Spike had saved her life in that mansion, she shouldn't just dismiss the fact that he had been willing to lay down his life to save hers. Didn't he deserve a chance to make amends somehow? Spike had seemed so sincere when he said he didn't mean to hurt her by creating the shrine. Maybe he was just extremely desperate and misguided, and he didn't know what else to do to sate his unrequited love for her. Even normal humans could be driven to do foolish things if they were in love with someone who hated them in return. A line from the song recurred to her: _Strange what desire will make foolish people do_.

Buffy shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut. "No. Don't cave in, dammit! He was wrong. Sick, twisted, and wrong. I'm not the bad guy here..."

She went back to her bedroom and crawled under the covers.

Buffy tossed and turned and squirmed, still worked up from the dream. She was so damn horny she couldn't stand it! She was angry and disappointed with herself for it, but she'd give anything to have Spike lying in bed with her right now... he would take care of her little problem. He'd be happy to take care of it.

It wasn't just the real-life licking and soft kisses she recalled very fondly, she remembered how good it felt just to have Spike's arms around her. And he had the most adorable boyish grin she'd ever seen. It was strange that a soulless creature of the night like Spike could look so... sweet.

Evidently, she couldn't go back into total denial mode when it came to being attracted to and wanting Spike; she'd let the genie out of the bottle, and it refused to go back in -- it was like trying to pour rain back into a cloud.

Needing to get some kind of satisfaction, Buffy rolled over and got her "lady's personal massager" out of her nightstand. She turned on the clock radio at a low volume to have something that would (hopefully) help disguise the buzzing noise from the other occupants of the house.

Buffy knew very well who she was going to be imagining was doing naughty things to her. "It doesn't mean anything," she told herself, breathing a bit more heavily as she moved the 'massager' under the covers. "Spike gets me hot -- so what? I just need some relief, then I'll never think about him again..."

The little voice in her head scoffed and snickered, recognizing what a complete lie that was.

* * *

It only took a minute for Buffy to find that temporary satisfaction she'd been desperate for (Fantasy Spike, as well as Dream Spike, was a helluva lover), and then she was able to fall asleep with a little smile on her face.

 

_Buffy's Dream, Part Deux_

 

Buffy found herself (fully dressed this time) on her usual nighttime patrol, she was coming up on the gates of Restfield Cemetery. What was unusual about it was another, identical, Buffy was walking next to her. 

"What's going on?" Buffy asked her twin. "Why are there two of me?"

Buffy #2 shrugged. "You can always use more help on patrol, right? And who can you count on more than yourself?"

Buffy shrugged and nodded, and they continued walking down the sidewalk.

"I can't believe you got yourself off thinking about him," Buffy #2 said, shaking her head. "Dreams, you can't control -- but you thought about him doing stuff to you while you were awake and _pleasuring yourself_. Gross much?"

Buffy fidgeted. "Shut up. No matter what else Spike is, he's a hottie."

"You're so damn weak, it makes me sick! You're actually thinking about forgiving Spike. You're thinking about doing a whole lot more than _just_ forgiving him. He's a psycho! He doesn't have a soul, and all he'll do is cause you endless pain if you let him in again!" Buffy #2 asserted.

Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes heavenward. "Oh, this is just what I needed -- getting hassled by my evil twin in a dream. Give me a frickin' break, will ya?!"

"No, I won't. I won't let you crumble because you're horny and you want to get laid!"

Buffy stopped and whirled on her twin. "That is NOT what it's about!"

"Yeah? Then how come you only started thinking about forgiving him after that dream?" #2 asked smugly.

"Because..." Buffy sighed. "Look, I do... want him, that's a part of it. But I saw how much Spike loved me at that mansion -- he fought like a lion to save my life. Oh hey, you think that's why there was a lion in my other dream? The lions represented --"

Buffy #2 snorted a laugh, ignoring Buffy's dream speculation. "Spike only saved you because he's obsessed with you. It wouldn't've been good for his fragile mind if the object of his obsession was killed. That's all it was."

Buffy shook her head. "No... it was more than that. I saw the look in his eyes, I heard the sincerity in his voice, and I felt it in his touch." Tears built up in Buffy's eyes, she could see the truth now. Spike really did love her, it hadn't been a pack of lies, and it wasn't just obsession. She had gone temporarily loco in the cabeza when she saw that shrine, it had seemed to confirm all her worst fears about him and his love for her, and Buffy hadn't been in a good enough place mentally to wrap her mind around it at the time.

Did Spike deserve an ass kicking for stealing her stuff? Yes. Did Spike deserve to have her treat him like dirt and excise him from her life after all he'd done to save her? Maybe not.

Buffy #2 grabbed Buffy's shoulders and shook her violently. "Don't you go soft on me, Slayer! Spike is bad, he's evil -- he's a monster!"

Buffy knocked her evil (and getting eviler and more irritating by the minute) twin's hands off of her. "I don't care if you do look exactly like me, touch me again and I'm knocking you on your ass!"

"I don't just look like you, I _am_ you, you idiot," Buffy #2 said, rolling her eyes. "I'm the smart part of you -- I don't get out much, obviously."

"Ha-ha," Buffy said flatly with a twist to her lips. She frowned when she noticed a bunch of cats milling around ahead of them. "Are those the same cats from my other dream?"

"Evenin', Slayers. Out for an evening stroll, are we?" They looked up to see Spike sitting on the wall of the cemetery, his legs dangling over the side. He was holding and idly strumming a red guitar on his lap. He tipped an imaginary cap to them. "Am I dreamin'? 'Cos I had a real doozy once involving two Buffys. Would you ladies care to go back to my crypt? I could show you my etchings." He smirked.

"You're a pig, Spike!" Buffy #2 spat. She grabbed Buffy's arm and walked briskly away from Spike. "We want nothing to do with you, creep!"

Buffy felt weak when it came to her twin, it was hard to say no to her, as if the other part of her that the twin represented was stronger. She let herself be pulled away, looking back at Spike regretfully.

Spike smiled and waved. "Drop by anytime!" Then he addressed the herd of cats gathered below him, "I'd like to dedicate my next number to a girl who's got me by the short an' curlies. She knows who she is."

The cats meowed louder, seeming to sing along, as Spike started playing the guitar and singing soulfully.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ You Really Got A Hold On Me - Smokey Robinson & the Miracles ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AdDnqSFYXFs)

}}

♫ "I don't like you, but I love you  
Seems that I'm always thinkin' of you  
Tho' oh, oh  
You treat me badly  
I love you madly

You really got a hold on me  
You really got a hold on me  
Baby" ♫

Buffy smiled a little, surprised that Spike had such a good singing voice. She could easily imagine girls going crazy for him if he joined a band and performed at the Bronze. And she discovered she didn't like the thought of groupie bimbos throwing themselves at Spike. "I didn't know Spike could sing." 

"He sucks -- he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket!" Buffy #2 growled, continuing to pull Buffy along with her around a corner and out of view of Spike.

Though she couldn't see him, Buffy could still hear Spike singing. She could understand why he chose this song (or rather, why her subconscious chose it), it described them very well.

♫ "I don't want you, but I need you  
Don't wanna kiss you, but I need to  
Tho' oh, oh  
You do me wrong now  
My love is strong now 

You really got a hold on me  
You really got a hold on me" ♫

"I need to go back there and talk to him. Let go!" Buffy pulled her arm out of #2's grip. It took an effort to defy her twin, but Buffy felt strongly about talking to Spike.

Buffy #2 glared at her. "I'm not letting that happen. You're going to stay away from him from now on."

"You can't tell me what to do!"

"Well, I guess you'd have no choice if Spike's only a big pile o' dust. I'll just have to take care of that."

Buffy stood toe-to-toe with her doppelganger. "You'd better keep your mitts off him. I won't let you hurt him."

♫ "Baby, I love you  
And all I want you to do is just  
Hold me, hold me, hold me  
Tighter" ♫

Buffy #2 put her hands on her hips. "It's a damn good thing I'm in charge of us again. I can see the big picture; I do what needs to be done. You, on the other hand, are a flighty little bimbo. An evil vamp -- who's tried to kill you and your friends on several occasions -- utters a few frilly words to you, and you're ready to spread your legs. Disgusting!"

"I told you it's not just about sex! And Spike _has_ changed. I'm not saying he doesn't need to... work on certain things -- like knowing that stealing is bad -- but he's on the right path, and I want to help him stay on that path."

Buffy #2 held up her hand and rolled her eyes. "Oh please! You're deluding yourself."

♫ "I wanna leave you, don't wanna stay here  
Don't wanna spend another day here  
Tho' oh, oh  
I wanna split now  
I can't quit now

You really got a hold on me  
You really got a hold on me" ♫

Buffy looked back in the direction she'd come as Spike finished his song. "I'm going to talk to him, I don't care if you approve or not."

The quarrelling Buffys stopped their argument when a bald man wearing glasses and a brown suit appeared next to them. He held out a silver tray covered with slices of cheese. The Buffys frowned in confusion and looked at each other. 

"Nothing says 'welcome' like a cheese platter. Remember that for your next party or get-together," the man said, and then walked away. He turned the corner and disappeared from view.

"That was the cheese guy from that dream I had about the first Slayer," Buffy said. "Hey, cheese guy, wait!" she called after him. "What are you supposed to represent?!"

Buffy ran around the corner, only to find herself in a new place. The room was dark except for slivers of light cast by a glittery disco ball on the ceiling. But she could see well enough to recognize it, she was back in the mansion on Crawford Street. The room was still set up for Dru's party, she could make out some of the balloons and streamers in the dim light. 

"No... uh-uh, I don't want to be here again..." Buffy said nervously, backing up until she bumped into the other Buffy.

"Don't worry," Buffy #2 moved past her, undaunted, further into the room, "you're not in danger this time."

The lights came up, Buffy blinked against the sudden brightness. When her eyes adjusted, she saw that the room looked as it had when Spike had first gotten to the mansion with Dru. Then she was distressed to see Spike chained up in the same archway where she'd been bound. His head was bowed at first, but then he slowly raised his head to look at her. He seemed to have the same injuries Buffy had suffered at Dru's hands: his eye and lip were swollen, there were twin slashes on both of his cheeks, he had a picture carved into his stomach, his sides were bruised, and blood ran down his arms from the shackles cutting into his wrists.

Buffy #2 strode over to Spike and smiled icily. "Well, how sexy does he look now, Buffy? Still want to jump his bones?"

Buffy rushed to them. "Spike, are you okay?!" 

"Yeah... never felt better," Spike groaned, trying to smile. "I've got 'er just where I want 'er now..."

Buffy tried to control her temper and turned to her doppelganger. "Did you do this to him?"

#2 shrugged. "And what if I did? He deserves a lot more than just getting the crap beaten out of him. It's just a little payback for all the evil things he's done."

"Buffy," Spike whispered. 

Buffy looked at him, her heart ached at seeing him so weak and beaten. She had to free him -- not just because it was wrong to do this to anyone, but also because it hurt her heart to see him like this; she had big feelings for Spike, it was undeniable. She thought this is how Spike must have felt when he saw what Dru had done to her; it was like a knife to her heart.

"Please... don't let her do this to me," Spike said faintly, his eyes pleading with her.

"I didn't give you permission to speak, scumbag!" Buffy #2 growled and punched him hard in the face. Spike grunted on impact, his head whipped violently to the side.

Buffy shoved her twin away. "Leave him alone! What the hell is wrong with you?! Stop hurting him!" 

Buffy #2 crossed her arms. "Why should I stop until he's a pile of dust? 'Once he starts something, he doesn't stop until everything in his path is dead.' Does that sound vaguely familiar to you? So, give me _one_ good reason why I should stop!"

"Because..." Buffy swallowed and blinked back tears. She couldn't say she was in love with him -- not yet -- but she was in the process of falling for him. "Spike can be a good man, he's changed. He turned a corner that night at the mansion -- I believe in him."

Spike turned his battered face to her and smiled slightly, tears shone in his eyes. "I can, Buffy. I can do it if you believe in me."

Buffy #2 rolled her eyes and groaned. "And if all the kiddies in the audience clap their hands _real_ hard, Tinkerbell will come back to life!" she said with mock excitement. She laughed and shook her head. "God, so damn naive. You're a soulless piece of shit, Spike. You'll never change; you're not capable of doing anything _good_. She might be stupid enough to believe your lies, but I'm not."

"Take those cuffs off of him -- now!" Buffy firmly told her doppelganger. 

Buffy #2 smiled smugly. "No."

"Alright, then I'll do it. Where's the key to his cuffs? Hand it over," Buffy demanded, holding her hand out. She hoped she wouldn't have to reach down her twin's shirt for the key if it was hidden in the same place Dru had kept it. 

"He's not going anywhere -- in solid form, anyway. He'll be more of a dusty consistency -- like finely sifted bakers flour, when I'm done. Hmm... I wonder if you can bake cookies with that..."

"Give me the damn key!" Buffy repeated. "I won't _ask_ again."

"You want the key that bad? Why, it's right over there." Buffy #2 pointed to the far wall, near the table with the punchbowl. "You can go ahead and take it if you want to."

Buffy could see a shiny, silver key on a hook next to the buffet table. She looked at her twin suspiciously. "And you'll just let me unchain him without interfering, huh?"

"If you feel you really need to, go on and do it. But I refuse to unchain him myself." She re-crossed her arms and looked away arrogantly.

Buffy set her hand lightly on Spike's shoulder. "I'll get you out of here, Spike."

He closed his eyes and nodded. Buffy recognized the look of relief on his face, that's how she'd felt when she'd realized that Spike was actually going to help her escape Dru's evil clutches.

Buffy ran to get the key. As she was taking the key off the hook, Spike yelled her name, sounding panicked.

She spun around and saw her twin raising a stake in the air. Buffy sprinted, running as fast as she could, toward them. She didn't think she'd get there in time. Buffy felt the same urgency she would if this all weren't just a weird dream: her pulse raced, her heart beat rapidly, she felt the same sense of panic and dread she would at the thought of anyone she cared deeply for being in grave danger. The weakness she'd felt when defying her twin earlier in the dream had faded markedly since this new 'scene' had begun, Buffy was feeling stronger and more confident -- she was now the stronger, more dominant of the two.

Buffy didn't know she could move as fast as she did, she mused that she would've looked like a blur to anyone watching -- like the Roadrunner when he left Wyle E. Coyote in the dust. She caught Buffy #2's arm just before the stake made contact with Spike's chest, then threw her away from him.

Buffy #2 barely kept from losing her footing and sprawling on the floor. She glared at Buffy. "I'm only trying to do what's best for you, you idiot! You'll thank me later!" She walked determinedly back toward Spike, raising the stake again.

Buffy stood in front of Spike to protect him from another attack. "Get away from him, you bitch!" She punched her evil twin in the face.

Buffy #2 grit her teeth and swung high at her. Buffy ducked under the swing and kneed #2 in the stomach, then followed with an uppercut.

This time Buffy #2 did go sprawling backwards onto the floor. Buffy got ready to fight again, but her twin's body began turning transparent, until Buffy #2 completely vanished.

Buffy sighed with relief. "Good. One Buffy in the world is enough. I never knew I could be such a huge bitch."

"That was a good Ripley imitation, luv."

"Huh? Oh, the 'get away from him, you bitch' thing? Well, that _is_ one of my favorite movie lines, it just occurred to me in the moment." Buffy had kept her fingers curled around the key while fighting with her other, less pleasant self. She opened her hand to show Spike the key. "Ready to get out of here?"

"You actually saved me..." Spike said with a little smile, looking at her with love and a bit of disbelief in his eyes.

"Of course I did," Buffy replied as she unlocked the cuffs. 

Spike started to fall once she'd freed him, Buffy caught him, putting her arms around him and holding him close. "You'll be okay now."

Spike smiled and held onto her shoulders. "You're my hero."

"Sorry my evil doppelganger hurt and then tried to stake you."

"We can't help what our evil doppelgangers choose to do. You... really care for me?" Spike asked.

Buffy nodded. "I do."

"Does that mean you forgive me for all the... unwholesome things I did?"

"Unwholesome... that's a word for it." Buffy snorted and smiled. "You'll have to show me you're still serious about changing your ways... but yes, I can forgive you. If it wouldn't hurt your lip, I'd kiss you right now."

Spike smiled wider. "Sod the lip, it'll be worth it." He didn't hesitate to press his lips to hers.

They smiled against each other's lips as they kissed. They broke the kiss and looked around when 'Up Where We Belong' started playing out of the blue.

Spike looked at Buffy and raised an eyebrow. "Interesting outfit, luv. I've imagined you in lots of different getups, but that's a new one."

Buffy looked down at herself and saw that she was wearing the white Navy dress uniform this time. She laughed, reaching up to touch the cap on her head. "Well, I guess all that's left is for me to carry you out of here in my arms as the music rises."

"Might be better for my pride if I walk, or hobble, out with your assistance. I will take the hat though." Spike took the cap off her head and put it on, cocking it to the side.

"Very dashing." Buffy chuckled.

They put an arm around each other, and Buffy helped Spike walk out the front door of the mansion. 

"I love you, Buffy," Spike said, turning his head to kiss her again.

* * *

Buffy woke up slowly, it took a minute for her to realize she was kissing her pillow.

She laughed groggily, and then gasped and jumped when she opened her eyes and saw Dawn standing next to her bed and looking at her with raised eyebrows.

"Dammit, Dawn! You scared the crap out of me!"

"Sorry, I was just checking on you, and accidentally saw you... making out with your pillow."

"I was _not_ making out with my pillow," Buffy said petulantly, sitting up in bed.

"Okay... if you say so. Feeling better?" Dawn figured, who was she to judge? She'd practiced kissing on her own pillow more than once.

Buffy took a deep breath, testing her ribs. "Just a little sore, but much better. Wow, I had some weird dreams..."

"Seemed like they were the good kind of weird though, judging by the pillow kissage," Dawn teased.

"I was just... wiping my mouth on the pillow."

"I did notice some drool... I guess that story checks out."

"You aren't going to go around telling everybody about the pillow thing, are you?"

"Nope." Dawn smiled sweetly. "Just like you didn't tell anyone about me having a crush on Spike. I'll go tell Mom you're awake."

Buffy sighed as Dawn skipped out of the room. 

She wasn't crazy about everyone knowing she had a kissing dream, but it could've been worse -- Dawn could've been there when Buffy woke up from the highly erotic dream or Buffy could've been moaning Spike's name.

Buffy looked at the clock, it was 3:30 in the afternoon. She couldn't believe how much she'd slept over the last few days. She slid out of bed, planning what she wanted to accomplish before the day was over: eat something, take a shower, get dressed, go see Spike, and a visit with her friends would be in order at some point. 

But the thing she really wanted to do was talk to Spike. As long as he didn't do or say something horrendous, she was prepared to forgive him. She truly believed that Spike had made the choice to be a good man that night at the mansion, he really had turned a corner. The kooky shrine was something he'd done before that night, so she shouldn't judge him by that alone. Buffy had already forgiven Spike in her heart, she just needed to make it official. 

The issue of whether the chip was working or not did worry her a bit. What might a heartbroken and depressed Spike do if he thought he had nothing to lose and nothing holding him back?

Buffy thought, _'Please God, don't let him have done anything crazy and/or stupid since the last time I saw him... I don't think I could take it if he's gone over to the dark side again.'_


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Awesome banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy had a hearty late lunch with her mother and sister. While they ate at the dining room table, Buffy felt obligated to tell them what happened the night Dru kidnapped her.

Buffy told her mother and Dawn an edited version of what happened with Dru. And she left out the last part with Spike and the shrine... and the part where Spike (while under Dru's control) taunted, punched, and bit her.

"Why do I get the feeling you're not telling me everything?" Joyce asked rhetorically. 

"I... may have glossed over some things, but I just don't want to relive every second of it, Mom." Buffy fidgeted.

"No, something significant happened that you don't want me to know about. Buffy, please stop trying to shield me from things that might upset me -- it upsets me _more_ for you to keep things from me. I need to know what's going on with you. I spent too much time in the dark about you being the Slayer, I want to be kept in the loop."

"I just..." Buffy sighed heavily. "I don't know if you'd understand some of what happened... I don't want you to hate Spike."

Joyce frowned. "Hate him? He saved your life, didn't he? How could I hate him?"

"I told you about how Dru hypnotized me into thinking Spike came to rescue me, well... she hypnotized Spike into thinking he hated me, and for a few minutes there, I really thought he was going to kill me."

"Oh, poor Spike..." Dawn lamented, lowering her head. Then she looked up and added quickly, "And poor you, too, of course. He couldn't hurt you because of the chip though, right?"

"That's another thing... Dru hypnotized him earlier to make him feel no pain from the chip. Spike was able to hit me without getting a shock."

"Oh my..." Joyce shivered, thinking how close she really did come to losing her daughter. "What stopped him from...?"

The biting part of the story would stay Buffy and Spike's secret -- she didn't want to take the risk of her family and friends turning on him. Luckily the bite mark was easily concealed, no one would even know it was there unless they saw Buffy in a strappy top. "Spike just sorta... snapped out of it suddenly, he shook it off. He remembered how he really felt about me, and he remembered the way Dru mind fu- ... manipulated his mind. Then there was the big fight with Dru and her goons, and that was it."

"Then you called us, and then you guys went to Spike's crypt where the last smackdown of the night with Harmony happened," Dawn finished.

Buffy nodded.

Joyce shook her head and patted Buffy's hand. "My poor baby, you really did have a crazy night. I'm just so relieved you're okay and everything turned out alright." Joyce tried not to dwell on the terrifying 'What if'?' thoughts, and instead concentrate on the fact that Buffy was safe now.

"I wasn't too hopeful for a while there, but..." Buffy sighed and smiled. "I got through it with Spike's help and a lotta luck."

"I want to bake Spike a cake," Dawn said eagerly. "To say thanks for helping you."

Buffy looked at Dawn with a skeptical smile. " _You_ baking? Be careful, there are some poisons that can affect vampires."

"Hey, I'm a good cook!" Dawn defended. "Mom's been teaching me stuff and I've been watching cooking shows. I'll make Spike a devil's food cake served with rocky road ice cream -- it's got marshmallows in it, he likes those. I got a pint of the ice cream last time we went shopping."

"I think that's a nice idea, honey." Joyce smiled. 

"Spike would probably prefer cash as a 'thank you'," Buffy laughed. "He doesn't even need to eat, ya know?"

Dawn wouldn't be swayed, she thought it was a good idea. "But he _likes_ to eat, he's different from other vampires. I was thinking, to top off the cake and ice cream, I could drizzle some pig's blood over it like syrup."

Buffy made a face. "Ugh. Spike would definitely have the whole cake to himself if you do that."

Dawn stood up and started collecting the dishes. "I'll clean up."

"You're such a good butler," Buffy joked, patting Dawn on the back.

They chuckled as Dawn took the dishes into the kitchen.

"You feel better since you had a decent meal?" Joyce asked.

Buffy patted her stomach. "I do. It was yummy, thanks, Mom." 

"Do you feel like telling me the rest of what happened between you and Spike?" 

"The rest?" Buffy fidgeted again, lowering her eyes and playing with the napkin on her lap. "There is no... 'rest'."

"Until now, every time Spike's name came up, you got a look on your face... a troubled look. I know something else happened, Buffy."

Buffy rubbed her eyes and sighed. Her mom had a touch of psychic powers too, or so it seemed. It would be best to just tell her (most of) the truth. "I don't want you to hate him, but he did something weird...."

"I won't hate him. Tell me."

"Okay... but you can't tell anyone else about this, alright? My friends don't need any extra reasons to hate Spike."

Joyce nodded. "My lips are sealed."

"I found out that, in the past, Spike had taken a lot of pictures of me without me knowing..."

Joyce's eyes widened. "He took naked pictures of you?! When did he --"

"No!" Buffy waved her hands and shook her head. "No naked! Nobody was naked... Why did your mind go there?"

Joyce took a calming breath. "You mean, he had normal, _fully-clothed_ pictures of you?"

"Yeah, photos and some sketches he drew of me -- they were pretty good sketches, too, I didn't know he could draw. It was kind of... shrine-like, with candles and... I totally flipped out on him, my brain was short-circuiting, and I just couldn't handle anything else. I saw that he stole things from me and..."

"What did he steal?"

"Some of the photos belonged to me, and... clothes, and other miscellaneous stuff like stakes and hair scrunchies."

Joyce rolled her eyes and sighed, "Dammit, Spike..."

"I felt so betrayed when I saw the shrine... I thought he didn't love me, I thought it was just an obsession. I'd let myself care about him, to think about him as a person, a man, and then I... I just felt like it was all a lie."

"It _does_ sound awfully obsessive."

"I know... but Spike did save my life. After I had time to think about it, and had a few wacky dreams that helped me sort out some issues, I can forgive him. I keep thinking of the way he sounded and looked at me when he said sweet things to me -- it's not just an obsession, Mom, he _does_ love me. And he really was sorry for the things he did wrong." 

"Well... I can't be too angry with him, he _did_ save your life, after all. I would like to give him a smack and a lecture for stealing your things, but I certainly don't hate him." Ironically, Joyce would be less inclined to forgive Spike for trespassing and taking Buffy's property if he were a normal human. But Spike was a vampire -- he had to work harder at being 'normal'. Stealing the object of your affection's possessions might be perfectly acceptable behavior amongst vampires.

Buffy's thoughts on the matter were similar to Joyce's: it would be harder (if not impossible) for her to forgive Spike if he were a human who did the same things. But that night at the mansion changed everything. Buffy couldn't put into words how she knew Spike was a different man than the one who'd thought it was okay to stalk her and gave no regard to her privacy, she just _knew_ \-- call it Slayer's intuition. 

"You were always nice to Spike -- except for the hitting him with an axe that first time, but that was completely justified. And I know he likes you -- and he respects you. Strange relationship you guys have," Buffy said with a chuckle.

"I can't explain why exactly, but I do like Spike. I've always had the feeling that there's a good man under his gruff exterior, and he just needs some guidance -- or _lots_ of guidance -- to get on the right track. Spike choosing to help you over being with that awful Drusilla proves that there's hope for him."

"That's how I feel too." Buffy grinned. "I do think he's capable of being a good guy, given the right incentive."

Joyce smiled slightly and raised her eyebrows. "And I'm guessing that incentive would be you?"

Buffy nodded. "He said he'd do anything to make me happy, and I believe him. Spike still has a lot of hurdles to jump, I'm not saying he's perfect... but he's trying. He's good to you and Dawn, and he chose to save my life when he could've just gone along with Dru and gotten his old life back. Spike and I had a chance to talk a little bit before things turned sour... I believe he really does want to be a good man. He made a choice that night, not just between which woman he loved more, he also turned his back on his old way of life... for me."

"By the twinkle in your eye, I'm thinking you feel you're ready for a new boyfriend?"

Buffy blushed and looked down at her hands. "Well, I have to talk to Spike about everything, but... yeah, I'd like to see if we could make a relationship work. I'm not worry-free, of course -- I'm afraid of making the wrong decision. If I take a chance on Spike and he betrays me... I don't know how I'll handle it. But then there's the flipside: what if I _don't_ take a chance on him and I lose out on something that could've been incredible."

“I won’t tell you what to do, you're past the age where I can run your life, but I want you to really be certain, Buffy. On second thought, I _will_ tell you what to do: I want you to do what your heart tells you is right. We only live once, and what I want most of all for you and your sister is for you to be happy.”

Buffy smiled wistfully. “Being happy... I _think_ I remember what that’s like."

"You're sure your feelings for Spike aren't just gratitude or infatuation? Or that you aren't blinded by your feelings and ignoring the bad things he did?"

"I'm sure," Buffy replied without hesitation. "I care about him, Mom; I can't ignore or deny how I feel. I've thought about it, I'm not going into this with blinders on. I know I could be setting myself up for a big fall, but I want to be with him. It won't be easy for lots of reasons... I know I'll catch all kinds of hell from everyone in my life for dating Spike.”

Joyce sighed, and then squared her shoulders. “Well, I won’t be slinging any hell at you.” She wasn’t crazy about the idea, she'd prefer Buffy dated a human being, but she really did only want Buffy to be happy. And Buffy did have that aforementioned twinkle in her eye when talking about Spike, there wasn't much a parent could say once their daughter had fallen for a boy -- even if that boy was a soulless, century old vampire with several bad habits. 

“You can’t live for other people, Buffy, that’s a recipe for unhappiness. We have to make our own decisions and just hope the people we love accept, or at least respect, them."

Buffy leaned over and gave Joyce a hug. "Thanks for being the coolest, sweetest, most understanding mom in the world."

Joyce laughed and hugged her back. "Remember that next time I ask you to mow the lawn."

Dawn came out of the kitchen, not looking very happy. "I'm going up to my room to read for a while." She walked quickly past them.

"Something wrong, honey?" Joyce asked.

"No," Dawn said, her voice wavering, as she hurried up the stairs. They heard her bedroom door shut.

Buffy sighed. "I think she heard us talking and she's upset..."

"Why would she..." Then Joyce remembered about Dawn's crush. "Oh... She'll be alright. We all had those mad crushes on someone at her age."

"I should talk to her," Buffy said, getting up from the table.

* * *

Buffy knocked on Dawn's door.

"What?" came the terse reply.

"Can I talk to you for a minute, Dawn? Please?"

Dawn sighed. "...I guess."

Buffy came in. She hated seeing her little sister looking so sad. Dawn was sitting on her bed holding a plush bunny on her lap, and looking mopey. 

Buffy sat down next to Dawn on the bed. "You want to talk about it?"

Dawn picked at her stuffed animal and shrugged. "You're going to start dating Spike, huh?" she asked, still petting the stuffed animal and avoiding eye contact with Buffy.

"If things work out the way I hope, yeah."

"You probably think I'm stupid..." Dawn sniffled. "Like I ever really had a shot with Spike."

"I don't think you're stupid." Buffy smoothed her hand over Dawn's hair. "I know how you feel."

"How _could_ you know? All the hot and interesting guys fall in love with you." Dawn pouted.

"In case you haven't noticed, my love life sucks. I might get to date the guys I'm interested in, but my relationships always ended badly for one reason or another, they never lasted -- at least none have _yet_."

"Yeah, but you got to be with the guys you wanted... for a little while. I'd take being happy for a little while over nothing and being doomed."

"Considering my track record, I should probably just give up on ever having another boyfriend," Buffy half-joked. Part of her was still gun-shy about getting into another relationship, especially one with as many obstacles as she and Spike were going to have. But she was in too deep to back down now, she had to at least try to make a go of it with Spike. Still, it upset Buffy to see Dawn upset.

Dawn shrugged indifferently again.

"Tell you what... if it's really going to bother you, I can just be friends with Spike," Buffy said, stroking Dawn's hair again. "How could I be happy if I know you're all gloomy?" 

Dawn looked up at her. "Seriously? You mean it?"

Now, Buffy did intend to keep her word, but when she'd thought of making that offer to Dawn, she'd expected Dawn to say something like, 'Oh, that's dumb,' or 'I wouldn't ask you to throw away your chance at happiness for me'. Buffy didn't expect to see enthusiasm for the idea in her sister's eyes -- but that's what she was seeing. 

Buffy nodded slowly, thinking, _'Oh shit, why the hell did I say that!?'_ She said, "Yeah... of course I mean it. You're my sister and I love you."

"Omigod, you are the coolest big sister ever! You're the best, Buffy!" Dawn grinned and threw her arms around Buffy's neck and hugged her. "You really do understand!"

Buffy hugged Dawn back, squeezing her eyes shut and wishing her sister had reacted the way she'd _hoped_ Dawn would react. Buffy felt a bit sick to her stomach.

After a beaming Dawn released her, Buffy stood up. "Well... I still need to see Spike to return his coat and tell him I forgive him. I shouldn't be too long..." A lot of what she'd wanted to say to Spike was about her feelings for him, but she'd just made an idiotic promise to Dawn -- the conversation with Spike was going to be a lot shorter now.

Buffy smiled wanly and turned to leave.

Dawn's own smile faded, she could see how disappointed and sad Buffy was. "Buffy... wait." 

Buffy stopped and turned around. "Hmm?"

Dawn paused for a moment, then asked, "Being with Spike would make you happy? It's what you really want?"

Buffy took a breath and nodded. "I have... I _had_ a good feeling about it. Probably just me fooling myself, though... I'm sure something would've happened to screw everything up -- 'cause hey, it's me, 'Buffy the Relationship Slayer'. I didn't even talk to him about it; he might've said he wasn't interested."

Dawn rolled her eyes and made a 'Yeah, right!' face. Dawn knew Spike would be doing cartwheels if Buffy told him she wanted to be his girlfriend.

It wasn't easy for Dawn to say it, but she had to try being an adult and consider other people's happiness. Buffy went through so much crap being the Slayer, and Buffy had been so despondent when that dumbass Riley left her. Buffy deserved to be happy. "I can't do this to you... I mean, I really like Spike and everything, but I can't be the reason you're unhappy. And I know how happy being with you would make Spike. I love both of you -- in very different ways -- and I want both of you to be happy, so... you can be together, if you want. I won't be a bitch about it."

Buffy smiled tentatively. "Are you sure that's how you feel, Dawn?"

She nodded. "Spike really loves you. At least one of us Summers girls should get him. Maybe we should check with Mom to see if she's got a thing for Spike too -- it seems like it runs in the family," Dawn said jokingly.

Buffy went back over to the bed and hugged Dawn again. "I'm so proud of you. You're being very mature, a lot of adults wouldn't be so generous in the same situation."

"I don't wanna be a spoiled brat, which I would be if I denied you a gorgeous guy who loves you. And if Spike found out that _I_ was the reason he couldn't be your boyfriend, he'd totally hate me. I don't want either of you to hate me, so... go ahead and be together. Just don't make out in front of me all the time, okay? I can't promise I won't spew if I see you two sucking face."

"I promise: no making out in front of you." Buffy kissed Dawn on the forehead. "You're a very sweet, thoughtful young woman. Thank you for being cool."

"Yeah, I'm the coolest." Dawn pulled away with a watery smile. "Why don't you put on some makeup before you go see Spike -- you don't wanna scare him."

Buffy stuck her tongue out.

"Buffy, one more thing. Was it Spike who stole your blue sweater?" Dawn asked. She'd heard the conversation between their mom and Buffy about Spike's thefts. Dawn only wished Spike liked her enough to steal her stuff.

Buffy sighed and nodded.

Dawn crossed her arms. "Aha! I told you it wasn't me."

"I know, and I'm really sorry I didn't believe you. But you have to admit, I _have_ found my things in your room before -- I wasn't being totally paranoid."

"Yeah, okay... but my point is: I wasn't lying _that_ time."

The sisters smiled at each other, and then Buffy left for her own bedroom, feeling much better than she did a minute ago.

* * *

After Buffy fixed her hair and put on some light makeup, she felt ready to see Spike. She was nervous about it, not that she thought he'd reject her, but because she was taking a leap of faith and would be playing another round of Relationship Roulette. 

But as she'd told Dawn, Buffy had a good feeling about her and Spike; she believed in him. She was probably out of her mind -- and she was sure her friends would tell her as much -- but she was determined to do what her heart told her to do. 

Just as she was finishing up getting ready, Buffy heard voices coming from downstairs. She went over to the door and listened, wincing when she realized it was her friends. That meant she would be further delayed going to the crypt, and she'd have to retell the story of what happened the other night. Then Buffy felt guilty for being annoyed -- her friends loved her and were only anxious to see if she was doing well. And she did miss them after not seeing them for a few days. She could spare an hour or so to reassure them that she was okay.

Buffy went downstairs and got hugs from the Scoobies. They went into the living room to talk, Joyce and Dawn went to the kitchen to give them some privacy. Willow gave Buffy the notes and reading assignment from the English Lit. class she'd missed, Buffy was relieved she wouldn't fall even further behind in her studies.

"What did Angel say about Dru and Darla when you called him?" Buffy asked Willow once everyone got settled in the living room. 

"Oh, uh, I actually talked to Cordy. It sounds like they have a big heapin' helpin' of their own problems in L.A. right now, but Cordy said that Angel knew about Darla and Dru already. They were just there causing trouble not long before Dru came here."

Buffy shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Angel _knew_ about Darla... and he didn't think it was important enough to pick up the phone and tell me she was somehow mystically brought back from the great beyond? And he knew about Dru being back, too... God, it's like pulling teeth to get that man to share. Remind me to kick his ass next time I see him."

"Come on, Buff," Xander said, leaning forward, "as much as I'd love to see that, we're all waiting to hear what happened that night. You aren't gonna be all un-share-y like Angel, are ya?"

Buffy took a breath and then launched into the story (minus some details) of her kidnapping and eventual rescue. They listened with limited interruptions through most of it, only adding a comment or exclamation here and there.

But Xander interrupted Buffy when she got to the part about how Drusilla made it so the chip in Spike's brain didn't work. Though she'd first decided not to tell them about that part, she'd reconsidered, thinking it was important to show that Spike had to be 'influenced' into hurting her and then was able to snap out of it by himself.

Xander paled. “Whoa, whoa, hold on! You're saying... that Spike had the ability to kill me that night when we went to the crypt? Holy shit...”

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know... maybe. The effects of Dru's trance could've worn off by then. But it's possible that Spike was able to hurt you." Buffy smiled a bit, thinking that it was a very good sign that Spike hadn’t even _tried_ to hurt Xander -- there was no love lost between those two. It reinforced her belief in Spike and her gut-feeling that he was serious about trying to change his ways.

"And the thought that he could've killed me brings you some sort of joy?!" Xander asked in a shrill voice, noticing the tiny smile on her face.

Buffy explained herself, "No, not the thought that he could have killed you -- it's the thought that he _did not_ kill you, he didn't even try. That says a lot, don't you think?"

"Yes, hooray for Spike for resisting the urge to murder me in cold blood!" Xander exclaimed sarcastically.

"We've all had to resist that urge at one time or another," Giles said dryly. The others (except Xander) laughed lightly.

"Oh, thanks a lot!" Xander was freaked out thinking back on the many opportunities Spike had to kill him that night. Xander vividly recalled that murderous look Spike had on his face when Xander threatened him with a stake. "I had a near-death experience, and you guys think it's a real knee-slapper."

"It was hardly a 'near-death' experience, Xander," Willow said, rolling her eyes. "You didn't, ya know, see a bright light and walk towards it, did you?"

Xander shuddered, the thought of Spike being un-muzzled sent chills down his spine. He would be at least in the top five on Spike's hit list, for sure. "You didn't see the murderous, insane in the membrane look in Spike's eyes -- he wanted to kill me. If he hadn't been so drunk, he woulda been all over me like a monkey on a cupcake!"

"If Spike wanted to..." Buffy paused, her brow furrowed. "Monkeys like cupcakes?"

"You bet they do; they love 'em," Xander said with grim certainty.

"Don't you think Spike would've been _less_ able to control violent urges if he was drunk?" Buffy asked. "If he really wanted to hurt or kill you, he would have tried."

Anya rubbed Xander's back. "I doubt Spike was capable of killing you. Surely he would have ripped your arm off or snapped your neck when you manhandled him and threatened him with a stake."

"What?" Buffy sat up straighter. "Xander! Why were you _manhandling_ and threatening to dust Spike?!"

"Because we thought he did something to you! I was trying to get him to tell us where you were. I feel bad about that now and I'll tell Spike I'm sorry... in the form of a pint of beer or blood -- his choice. I don't think I'm actually physically capable of apologizing to him with words."

"Let me see if I got this straight... you were threatening and pushing Spike around after he'd already been shot with a crossbow, sliced open with a machete, beaten with a crowbar, and he was exhausted from fighting several different people over the course of the night while doing everything he could to save my life?" Buffy asked tightly.

"Well, now that you put it that way, I admit... that doesn't cast me in the best of lights..." Xander paused to clear his throat. "But in my defense, I only did it because I was desperate to find you, Buffy! I really thought Spike had something to do with it... and it wasn't just me -- tell her, G-man!" Xander could understand Buffy feeling grateful to Spike for saving her, but she was a lot more upset that he threatened Spike than Xander would've expected her to be, after all, it was _just_ Spike.

"Yes, that was... regrettable." Giles took off his glasses and polished them. "We made a mistake assuming Spike was the one who'd abducted you, Buffy." He put his glasses back on and looked over the rims at Xander. "And don't call me 'G-man' ever again."

Anya raised her hand. "I didn't assume Spike did something bad to you -- it was the rest of them that were ready to lynch Spike. I kept telling them their reasoning was faulty. But no one ever listens to me, so whatever." She sat back and crossed her arms.

Giles gave Anya an exasperated look, then continued, "But I'm very concerned about the issue of the chip not working. We need to talk to Spike to determine whether he's a threat to humans again."

"I was just about to head over to the crypt when you got here," Buffy said. "But I really don't think Spike's been killing again. And _I_ will handle talking to him about it, I don't want him being threatened or pushed around again."

"It might not matter, he could be gone by now." Xander shrugged.

Buffy frowned. "Gone? Did he say he was... leaving Sunnydale?"

"Either that or he staked himself."

"...What?" Buffy swallowed, feeling suddenly cold inside.

"He was talking crazy, and told me a few times that he didn't care if I staked him -- and he definitely meant it. He was really givin' me the heebie-jeebies. I don't know if --"

Buffy jumped up from the chair, fear gripped her heart. "Oh my God! And you're just telling me this _now_?!"

They were all taken aback by Buffy's panicked reaction.

"I-I haven't had a chance to talk to you since that night," Xander stuttered, leaning back into the chair away from her.

"I have to see if he's okay!" Buffy ran up to her room to get Spike's coat, hopefully she'd be able to give it back to him. She didn't even want to consider the possibility that she might be too late...

"But, Buffy, you didn't finish telling us the rest of what happened the night Drusilla kidnapped you," Willow called to her.

Buffy came quickly back downstairs, taking two at a time, with the leather duster draped over her arm. She said in a rush, "My mom knows the rest of the story, she'll tell you. I'll be at the Magic Box tomorrow, we can talk more then. I have to go!"

The Scoobies looked at each other with raised brows as Buffy raced out the front door.

* * *

Spike had spent a couple days in a drunken haze before he resolved to try pulling himself together. Luckily, he'd had a few pints of blood stocked in the fridge or else he would be very hungry by now; he hadn't felt up to leaving the crypt at all until today.

He didn't really know how he could go on living feeling as low and depressed as he was, but he had to try; Spike was a survivor, he had to pick himself back up off the ground and just keep on going. Even if Buffy wanted nothing to do with him, he could still help if she needed assistance battling Glory or an especially tough monster of the week. 

He thought about leaving town again, but where would he go? And what if Buffy did need his help and he wasn't there? Buffy, Joyce, or the Nibblet could die if he wasn't around to lend a hand, and he couldn't bear the thought of that, either. He supposed the idea of her friends dying would be a _bit_ sad too (with the possible exception of Xander). But her friends meant the world to Buffy, and they had a lot to do with the fact that she was still alive and kicking -- Spike would save their lives (even that ponce Xander) if he had to. Spike's thoughts just kept going in circles, he couldn't make a firm decision about anything.

Leaving a box of Buffy's belongings outside her door seemed to be a good first goal to focus on. Spike went through the box from the shrine, throwing away the things that were ripped or destroyed, and putting Buffy's possessions into another box. 

Spike told himself he wouldn't keep anything from the shrine -- he was going cold turkey in his addiction to Buffy. But... keeping one picture wouldn't be such a terrible thing. He took his favorite picture, smiled sadly at it for a few moments, tenderly tracing the shape of Buffy's face with a forefinger. Then he put the picture between the pages of his book of Shakespeare's sonnets; Sonnet 47 seemed to be a fitting place for it:

_Betwixt mine eye and heart a league is took,_  
And each doth good turns now unto the other:  
When that mine eye is famish'd for a look,  
Or heart in love with sighs himself doth smother,  
With my love's picture then my eye doth feast  
And to the painted banquet bids my heart;  
Another time mine eye is my heart's guest  
And in his thoughts of love doth share a part:  
So, either by thy picture or my love,  
Thyself away, art present still with me;  
For thou not farther than my thoughts canst move,  
And I am still with them, and they with thee;  
Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight  
Awakes my heart, to heart's and eye's delight. 

Buffy would always be with him, in his mind and heart. 

Spike sighed as he closed the book and put it back in its drawer. "Love is the most beautiful of dreams... and the worst of nightmares," he quoted the Bard. 

After everything fell apart with Buffy the other night, Spike had had the urge to go on a rampage in town to destroy everything he could get his hands on and try out the chip and see if Dru had really made his 'not able to bite humans' problem go away. Now that Spike's life was utterly destroyed, and he was without any sort of hope that it could get better, why shouldn't he just let his demon take over completely? He'd survived that way for over a century, he could do it again. There was nothing stopping him -- he could raze the whole bloody town to the ground, he could cause death, destruction and suffering on a grand scale. He could make everyone feel a fraction of the pain that was screaming inside of him. 

But he couldn't. There was still a part of Spike that was committed to changing and becoming a better person. Buffy didn't care about him or what he did anymore, but he could do positive, good things as a way of repenting for the hurt he'd caused her (and countless others).

Spike would be doing good for the safety of puppies and Christmas, not only because he hoped Buffy would notice his deeds and be impressed. Spike still didn't know where he belonged in the world, if he belonged in it at all, or what category he fell into. Was he good or evil? Maybe a combination of the two: gevil or evood? He imagined he'd be in this sort of walking Purgatory for many years to come -- not fitting in with the 'white hats' but no longer able to live fully in the shadows. For the first time, he realized he was truly, utterly alone. 

Spike had gotten the fuzzy end of the lollipop in life, as usual, but it was best for Buffy's sake that it ended this way. He'd been a huge fool to ever think he could be worthy of a woman like her, she deserved so much better than the likes of him. He truly was beneath her.

Maybe he could go out in a blaze of glory by tracking down that Hell-bitch Glory. If he managed to kill Glory, Buffy and Dawn's problems would be solved. Spike knew it would be a kamikaze mission if he went off to kill Glory by himself, but he was willing (and ready) to die to protect the Slayer and her loved ones. And Buffy would get two wonderful gifts out of that scenario: Both Glory _and_ Spike would be dead and gone, never to cause Buffy another moment of worry again. The Slayer would be chuffed to bits, no doubt.

"Bloody hell, I've gotta stop depressin' myself..." Spike muttered, shaking his head.

Spike switched on his portable CD player, which was loaded with his 'Love's Bitch' mixed CD (lots of 'Woe is me' songs and shots of the Blues). Listening to the songs actually helped him deal with his sorry lot in life a bit better, it was comforting to know he wasn't the only heartbroken, miserable sod in the world. 

Spike got back to cleaning and sorting his possessions as a temporary way to occupy his addled mind.

* * *

Buffy threw open the crypt door and ran inside. There was no sign of Spike. 

_'Don't panic, he might be downstairs,'_ she told herself, going to the covered trapdoor.

Loud music blared up from below when Buffy moved the cover aside. 

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Mr. Pitiful - Otis Redding ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT_PdnGRukw)

}}

_Call me Mr. Pitiful_  
Baby, that's my name now  
Oh they call me Mr. Pitiful  
That's how I got my fame  
But people just don't understand  
What make a man feel so blue  
Ooh they call me Mr. Pitiful  
'Cause I lost someone just like you 

"Spike?" Buffy called down the hole. She assumed he wouldn't be able to hear her over the music. 

_They call me Mr. Pitiful_  
This everybody know now  
They call me Mr. Pitiful  
Most everyplace I go  
But nobody seems to understand  
How can a man sing such a sad song  
Ooh when he lost everything  
When he lost everything that he had 

Buffy climbed down the ladder, and then breathed a sigh of relief when she saw Spike was still here and un-dusty. He was singing along with the song and moving slightly from side to side to the beat. Spike had his back to her, but it was definitely him -- that platinum blond hair could only belong to one person. He had a bottle of whiskey in one hand and was holding an open book in the other. There were a bunch of cardboard boxes on the floor filled with various items. 

Spike was drinking again, but he was just sipping the whiskey as opposed to the guzzling he'd done over the last few days. He sang along with the song, musing that this was his theme song now. Why not try embracing his pitifulness instead of fighting it? Fighting it took too much bloody energy.

Spike turned around while taking a drink. Discovering that he suddenly wasn't alone took him by surprise, he did a spit-take and started coughing.

"Oh! Sorry!" Buffy put a hand to her mouth to cover her smile and hold in a laugh.

Spike kept coughing as he went to the table with the boom box. He hastily set down the bottle and book, and then fumbled with the CD player to switch off the music. 

"Sorry," Buffy said again once it was quiet. "I didn't mean to scare you. I called down, but I guess you didn't hear." 

Spike waved his hand and shook his head as he cleared his throat. He wheezed, "I just wasn't expectin' any company... 'specially not... you." 

Buffy toned down her smile, but couldn't quite keep it completely off her face. "That was a good spit-take, I'd never actually seen anybody do one in real-life before."

Spike wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, just staring at Buffy for a few moments. He was gobsmacked to see Buffy here again. And she was smiling pleasantly, which he definitely didn't expect. "Feelin' better? You look... good."

"Yep, almost all healed. You look... good, too." Spike did look a lot better than the last time she was here. He was wearing a long-sleeved black shirt that she hadn't seen him wear before, left tantalizingly unbuttoned down the front. She could see only a red mark on his abdomen from where he'd gotten slashed, his enhanced healing ability was obviously working too. 

Spike's hair was mussed, and she thought the way it curled at the ends was so cute. _'Spike has naturally curly hair, eh? So that’s why he slicks it back all the time, he doesn't want people to think he looks adorable.’_ She wanted to just run her fingers through his hair, wind those cute curls around her fingers and... 

And then Buffy realized she'd just been silently staring at him for thirty seconds. She thought, _'Okay, say something, Buffy. Don't make him think you're a total spazz now that you actually *want* him to like you.'_

"Um, did Harmony or Dru come back?" Buffy asked.

"No. And I hope I never set eyes on either of those bints again."

Buffy absently caressed the coat she was holding, reminding her that she'd brought it. "Oh, here," she held out the leather duster, "I wanted to bring this back to you. Thanks for letting me wear it home. Though... I guess you didn't _let_ me, I just kinda put it on and walked out..." She laughed anxiously.

Spike looked at her strangely as he slowly reached out and took the coat from her. "...Thanks." He was completely thrown -- not only hadn't he expected Buffy to come here ever again, he hadn't expected to get his beloved garment back in one piece, if at all. 

"I thought about having it dry-cleaned for you. I slept in it, so I might have sweated a little..." Buffy fretted. "If it's stinky, I can --"

"Are you here to stake me?" Spike asked flatly. "'Cos I'd just as soon you get on with it if you are."

Buffy frowned. "What? No. Why would I want to do that?"

Spike cocked an eyebrow. "Do I really need to list the reasons? You’ve got plenty of ‘em, Slayer.”

"I didn't come here to stake you or beat you up. I wanted to return your coat, and I was hoping we could... talk about what happened."

Spike gulped. "Sure you wouldn't rather just stake me?" he asked, holding his shirt open and presenting his chest to her. Talking to Buffy about the shrine and his stalkery behavior terrified him. Between a talk with her or a stake to the heart, being dusted might prove the less painful alternative.

Buffy rolled her eyes. "There's stuff I need to talk to you about, Spike." She looked around for a place to sit, then chose to sit on the end of the bed. 

Spike shifted uncomfortably on his feet and looked down at the floor. "There's nothin' left for us to talk about."

"There's a _lot_ for us to talk about," Buffy insisted. “I was glad to see you were okay. I wasn't sure what, if anything, I'd find when I finally got here... Xander told me you were talking crazy and sounded suicidal the last time he saw you.”

Spike growled as he angrily hung his coat on a hook on the wall. "Harris needs to keep his stupid bloody opinions to himself! I just wanted to be left the bloody hell alone. But your friends held me hostage 'til they called your house and confirmed I wasn't lying." He glanced at her. “I reckoned you made it home alright when I didn’t wake up as a pile of dust.”

"I don't think you could actually wake up if you were..." Buffy started then shook her head, Spike's sarcasm threw her momentarily.

She started over. “Yeah, look... I’m sorry Xander was such a dick. I’ve been asleep most of the last few days, so I only just heard about what happened after I left here. I was so pissed off that he treated you that way. Xander said he'd apologize to you about the whole thing, and he'd better."

Spike put his hands on his hips, looking put-out and frustrated. "What's goin' on, Buffy?"

"Going on?"

"Why are you really here? Why are you acting like you give a shit about me?" Spike stopped and let out a breath, putting his hands to his temples and rubbing in slow circles. He was already hung-over before she showed up, and now he was very confused -- why was Buffy being _nice_ to him? There had to be some kind of catch, some important reason she was pretending she didn’t hate his guts. "If you need information on a baddie, I don’t have any; I haven’t been above ground in days. If you need my help slaying a demon, just give me the description and point me in the right direction.”

"I told you I'm here because I need to talk to you. I thought you’d be at least a little happy to see me..." Buffy pouted (which almost made Spike melt and sigh at her adorability). "Do you want me to leave?"

Spike blinked at her, then swallowed and looked away. "Yeah, I want you to go. I just wanna be left alone.”

"Too bad, 'cause I ain't goin' anywhere," Buffy said, crossing her arms.

Spike looked at her, furrowing his brow. "What?"

"You heard me, I'm staying right here. You just want me to leave because you're nervous to talk about that shrine thingie."

“Hmm..." Spike tapped his chin and looked up in thought. "Now, why wouldn’t I want to talk about one of the most humiliating, painful moments in my entire life?” He gave her a put-upon look. “As if that whole bloody nightmare hasn’t replayed in my mind a thousand times... Why pour salt in the wound? It's over and done with.”

“I know it’s not a --”

Spike started pacing nervously and talked over her. “Every second my mind hasn’t been pickled in alcohol, I’ve seen the whole bloody scene play out in my head again and again. Well, it still went through my mind when I was drunk off my ass, too, it just... didn’t hurt quite as much."

He held up a hand. “And before you even say it, I’m not implying that you did me wrong. I’m not trying to garner your pity. I bloody well hung myself... I know it. I deserve every bloody misfortune that's befallen me. In the beginning, I wanted to blame everyone else for what went wrong, but I know I’m the only one to blame. It was my brilliant idea to put together that bloody shrine. No one else could fuck up a good thing so spectacularly -- and I did it much quicker than usual, too.”

“You think I might be able to get a word in at some point?” Buffy asked with raised brows.

Spike stopped pacing and scrubbed his hands over his face, turning his back to her. In a softer voice, he said, “I don’t want to stop talking... because then you’ll start telling me how much I hurt you, and I can’t... It kills me knowing I hurt you, betrayed you, like that. Please, Buffy... I don’t want to talk about it. I know I don't deserve an ounce of mercy, but..."

Buffy sighed. “So, you think we should just pretend none of that night ever happened? You think we should just not see or talk to each other again to avoid awkwardness? You don’t want to try talking to me and fixing the problem?”

“There is no _fixing_ it. Whatever we had... or could’ve had, it’s over. I bollixed it up real bloody good.”

“I wouldn’t be here right now if I didn’t think we could get past this.” Buffy patted a spot on the bed next to her. “Sit down, your pacing makes me dizzy.”

Spike looked at her uncertainly. “When you left here... I’ll never forget the look on your face: hurt, disgusted... and afraid. What could’ve possibly happened between then and now to change how you felt?”

“I was able to put things in perspective," Buffy explained. "My brain was beyond fried that night, there’s no way I could’ve had a calm, rational discussion with you. I’m sorry for the way I flipped --”

Spike held up a hand and shook his head. “No. Please, Buffy... don’t apologize to me for anything. I’m the one who fucked it up.”

“I know it was your fault, you really _did_ fuck up." Spike looked down sadly, and Buffy added, "But I do regret the extreme way I reacted. I wish I could’ve stayed and... I don’t know, listened to your explanation and talk about it.”

“Explanation?” Spike laughed miserably. “What is there to explain? I was obsessed with you, I stalked you, and I nicked your stuff. There’s no _good_ explanation for what I did. There’s nothing I can say that will make it right.”

“I wanted to hate you... I did hate you for a short time," she confessed. "But the hate didn't last long... I still care about you, Spike. I’d still like us to try being... friends.” Buffy wanted to be much more than ‘friends’, but she could broach that particular subject after they got the other topics out of the way.

“No... no, don’t care about me; I don’t deserve you carin’ about me. All I’ll do is keep hurting you in one way or another. I think Dru might've had it backwards -- _I'll_ lead _you_ to your destruction if you let me near you. Let’s just leave it as it is... go our separate ways. I won’t bother you again. I'll still help you fight if you need --”

“Stop with the self-loathing and sit down,” Buffy said in a no-nonsense way. “We’re talking this out whether you like it or not.”

Spike groaned and dragged his feet to the bed. But he thought better of it at the last second and went to sit in a chair instead. He didn’t want to get too close to Buffy. He still didn’t understand what changed to make her want to speak to him again -- it could just be a trick. Maybe she was gonna get his hopes up then pull the rug out from under his feet just to hurt him like he'd hurt her; not that he didn't deserve it, but still...

“No, sit over here,” Buffy said before he had a chance to sit down, patting the space next to her again.

Spike hesitated, but went over to the bed and sat on the opposite end from Buffy.

“Is that a new shirt?” Buffy asked. “It’s nice.”

Spike just raised an eyebrow and gave her that strange, confused look again. He was tensely waiting for her pleasant facade to fall away, and for her to explode in a fit of anger or tears.

“Okay, you’re not in the mood for small talk. We’ll go right into meatier subjects then... How’s the chip treating you? Does it work?”

Spike smiled ruefully, pursing his lips; he thought he understood now. “Ah, I get it... You came here to check up on me. That’s what your friendly visit was all about -- you think I’ve been hunting again. I’m surprised you chose to go a non-violent route to find out if I’ve been up to no good. Why not just throw me against the wall and punch me a few times to get the truth outta me? I’d prefer that, actually.”

“It was just a question, Spike," Buffy said calmly. "And I didn’t have some secret agenda for coming here to see you; I wasn’t putting on an act or pretending I care about you. But I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t at least ask if you've gone out to test the chip on a human.”

Spike believed her, and now he was back to being perplexed about her motives. “I really don’t know if it works or not. Guess that’s not the answer you wanted to hear, but it's all I got.”

“You could hit me to see if --”

“No,” Spike said decisively.

“Just hit me once on the arm, it’s not like you’ll cripple me. I'm made of tough stuff.” Buffy leaned toward him, leading with her shoulder. 

Spike didn’t want to hit or injure her at all, but he could see that she wasn’t going to let up until the question of the chip working was settled. He made a fist and got ready to punch her upper arm. He looked into her eyes. “You’ll have to stake me if it doesn’t work. You'd have to do your duty."

“Why? Did you plan on running out and killing a bunch of people to celebrate? I don’t think you’ll do that.”

“You’re being naive.”

Buffy shook her head. "No, I’m not. You could’ve been out there testing the chip over the last few days, but you weren’t. You said you turned your back on your old way of life the night you helped me escape from Dru, and I know you meant it.”

“I'm a monster; I’m not to be trusted... you’ve seen that. You have no idea what I'm capable of. Don’t make the fatal mistake of --”

“Would you just punch me already?” Buffy said impatiently. “God, do you ever stop talking? It’s just yap, yap, yap all the --”

Spike punched her arm, immediately gritting his teeth and holding his head. “Yeah, the bloody thing works,” he groaned. “And you’re one to bloody talk about incessant yammering. You haven’t stopped --”

“I said that to piss you off and make you punch me.” Buffy rubbed her arm. He didn’t hit her that hard, she could tell he’d held back, but it was enough to sting.

“Oh. Then it was a job well done, Slayer.” He smiled slightly and massaged his forehead. “You always did have a talent for aggravating me.” 

Buffy smiled. “Well, see, we have something in common, 'cause you have the same talent for aggravating me.”

Spike was both relieved and disappointed that the chip gave him a shock. He didn’t plan on killing humans again, but he also despised being controlled. But at least Buffy wouldn't have to be the one to dust him. For some unknown reason, she was no longer angry with him, and it seemed that she would've actually been disturbed if she'd had to stake him.

"You're just gonna take my word that I haven't been hunting humans? I could've just been pretending to feel pain from the chip to fool you."

Buffy turned to the side to face him, curling one of her legs under her. "Have you been hunting humans again? And were you faking the reaction from the chip when you hit me?" 

Spike sighed. "No."

"I believe you," Buffy said.

He shook his head with disbelief. "This isn't like you at all, Slayer... How can you believe me just like that? You know me: I lie, I cheat, I steal -- I'll do anything to get over on people."

"Your eyes." She smiled softly. "I can tell so much just by looking into your eyes..."

They gazed at each other for a few moments before Spike broke eye contact, looking down at his hands. 

Spike was further unnerved at seeing not just forgiveness, but caring in Buffy's eyes. He didn't understand how she could forgive him, or how she could possibly care whether he lived or died. He looked at her suspiciously. "Are you under a spell, is that what this is? Someone mojo'd you into forgetting what a huge jackass I am? Was Red messin’ with dark forces again?"

Buffy laughed. "You're so paranoid! I'm not under a spell. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I just gave the situation a lot of thought, I slept on it, and then came to the conclusion that you messed up, but you can still redeem yourself?"

Spike had felt so hopeless, and he'd thought of himself in such negative ways, since he'd last seen Buffy. He'd convinced himself that he'd never have her -- not her friendship and certainly not anything more. It was hard for him to believe and accept that there was any chance of reconciling with her.

"Now, about that shrine..." Buffy began, her eyes going to the area of the room where the shrine had been set up.

Spike tensed. "It's gone, alright? I tore the whole bloody thing down and threw it all away."

"All of it?"

"...Well... ‘cept for the things I nicked that belong to you... I put them in a box...” Spike wouldn’t meet her eyes as he got up and retrieved a cardboard box. He set the box down near her feet, and then went back to sit on the opposite end of the bed. “That’s all of it."

Buffy peeked in the box. "You didn't keep anything?" she asked skeptically.

"No... well yeah... but nothing that belongs to you. I kept... one picture," Spike said guiltily. Yet another reason he was disappointed in himself: he couldn't go totally cold turkey like he'd promised himself he would. And he didn't know why he'd just felt the need to be honest and tell Buffy about the one picture, he should've lied -- he was good at lying -- why couldn't he lie to her?

"One picture is okay, some people might even call having one picture 'normal'." Buffy hoped he might smile at that, but he didn't. She sighed. "Tell me why you decided to take my stuff and the pictures from my house."

Spike glanced at her. "You're just bustin' my bollocks now... I don't think I really need to explain why I took those things. You're a smart bird, you can figure it out."

"I'm not bustin' your... anything. I just want you to tell me what you were feeling and thinking when you did it."

Spike rubbed his forehead, trying to get rid of the headache the chip had given him. He did not want to talk to Buffy about this, but she obviously wasn't going to stop until he gave her an answer. Why did women insist on talking everything to death?

Spike took a breath and began, "I had all these... feelings for you and you hated me, I didn't know how to manage it. Felt like I might go mad from yearning for you... At first I just wanted a picture of you... but once I started I couldn't stop. I wanted to have things that reminded me of you, that would make me feel... closer to you. I knew I could never have you, and that _stuff_ I stole was as close as I'd ever get to you. It was stupid and pathetic -- you don't have to tell me that, I know it. But I could look at the pictures, smell your scent on the clothes, and dream -- imagining, just for a little while, that you could love me too..." He groaned and lowered his head, covering his face with his hands. "Oh God, I'm such a pathetic git..."

Buffy still didn't approve of his actions, of course, but she thought she could understand (at least a little bit) the desperation Spike felt when he'd constructed the shrine. Spike had been faced with a dilemma and chose a wrong solution, but he didn't have any positive influences in his life -- except for Buffy and her friends, and he couldn't have talked to any of them about his feelings for Buffy. She felt confident that, with proper guidance, Spike could still be a good man.

Buffy smiled. "What I keep wondering is... why did you have the mannequin? What'd you do with it?" 

Spike groaned again, even more embarrassed. He couldn't look at her, so he missed the teasing smile on her face. "Nothing! I didn't do anything... with it."

"Then why did you have it down here?"

"Alright, I... sometimes practiced... talking to you." He growled and dropped his face into his hands again. "Bloody hell... I wish I could just spontaneously combust right now. If you have a stake somewhere on your body, be a pet an' stab it through my back please."

Buffy ignored his plea for her to stake him. "I never noticed you having a problem talking to me, you always sounded strong, defiant, and confident. Why would you have to practice talking to me?"

"I don't mean our usual witty, mutually insulting banter. And when we're not trading insults, we talk about demons threatening the community, we talk shop. We didn't have 'normal' conversations. The few times I've tried..."

"Yeah... I got weirded out, insulted you, and told you to go away." Buffy remembered a few instances of Spike trying to talk to her, the most recent time was at the Bronze right before Dru came back to town. "I wish I would've given you a chance instead of shooting you down every time you reached out."

Spike didn't say anything, he just kept looking down at his hands with a sad look on his face. 

"The stealing and stuff you did... it's okay. I mean, it's not _okay_ , but it's in the past now. You don't have to beat yourself up about it so much." 

Spike shook his head and chuckled despondently. "Don't beat myself up, you say? I want to kick my own ass for doing something so bloody pathetic and twisted. I knew what I did was wrong when I was doin' it... but I didn't realize _how_ wrong and sick it was until I saw that look on your face right after you saw the shrine." Spike closed his eyes, seeing that frightened, appalled look on Buffy's face again. It was like a knife being twisted in his gut. "I don't know what the bloody hell is wrong with me... that I could've thought, for even a second, that what I was doing was acceptable."

Spike sighed and had to fight the strong urge to shut down all communication with Buffy and crawl back inside a bottle of whiskey. He had to get through this conversation first, to let Buffy know how much he regretted his actions.

He took a breath and continued, "If a human had done what I did, he'd be in jail -- and ironically, I'd want to kill the bastard for doing the same bloody stupid things I did to you. I never wanted you to be scared of me... I know it doesn't excuse what I did or make it any better, but I'm so bloody sorry, Buffy, you have no idea..." 

"I was freaked out about the shrine at first, I didn't know what to think. I jumped to the worst of conclusions and had myself convinced you didn't really care about me. But I've had time to let it all sink in, I'm not scared or worried anymore. And I _know_ you really do care about me." 

She knew the new, improved Spike wouldn't intentionally harm or scare her. Buffy moved closer and put her hand on his shoulder. "We can still give the... 'being friends' things a try."

Spike got up from the bed abruptly and moved away from her. 

"What's wrong?" Buffy frowned.

“Stop being nice to me,” Spike said with his back to her, his voice uneven.

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Only you would have a problem with someone being nice to them. Sorry, I’m in a ‘being nice’ kinda mood. It doesn't happen that often, you should enjoy it," she teased, but Spike didn't see the soft smile on her face.

He turned his face to her, his eyes shiny with tears. “Hit me, yell at me, threaten me -- I deserve those things... I _understand_ those things. Just... stop being so bloody _nice_. I don’t know how to handle it... I don't deserve it.”

Buffy stood up and went over to him, then took his hands in hers. Spike tried pulling his hands away, but Buffy held on. “Spike, you know the things you did were wrong and you’re sorry. You wouldn't do anything like that again, and I know you'll do what you can to make up for it. I can forgive you.”

Spike shook his head slowly. "Don't forgive me... If you let me in, I'll only hurt you again. I don't want to hurt you again, Buffy."

"It's going to be different between us from now on, Spike. We're going to respect each other, and you can talk to me about anything, not just shop talk." He looked so sad that Buffy just had to hug him. She let go of his hands and put her arms out, leaning forward.

Spike leaned back, looking confused again. "What're you doing?"

Buffy put her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder. "Shut up, I'm hugging you."

"...Why?"

"Because I want to."

Spike was immobile for several moments, but he slowly brought his arms up around her, and then closed his eyes and just savored being hugged by her. 

"You might as well start getting used to me being nice to you now," Buffy said, enjoying the feeling of being in Spike's arms again.

"You really are an amazing, and wildly unpredictable, woman, Buffy Summers," Spike said, pulling back to look at her. She looked so lovely, was being so sweet, and she smelled so good... Spike tilted his head and leaned in to kiss her.

Buffy saw the kiss coming and welcomed it. She closed her eyes and puckered up a little as his lips gently brushed against hers. But instead of feeling Spike's mouth on hers, she was surprised when he suddenly took his arms off of her and jumped away.

Spike didn't realize he was about to kiss her until it was almost too late. Wanting to kiss Buffy was an automatic impulse, he'd just started going for it without thinking. He growled loudly and raked his fingers back through his untamed hair. “I can’t go five bloody minutes without doing something stupid!”

“What’s wrong?” Buffy asked, startled. She’d been ready to get that kiss she’d dreamt about.

He turned his back to her. “God, I’m bloody hopeless!” he said miserably. “Here you are, bein’ so gracious and kindhearted... and I have to ruin everything -- again! -- by trying to kiss you. I couldn’t help m’self... You look so beautiful and you smell so good... I can’t be around you without wanting you... I’ll stay away, I won’t come near you, I’ll --”

Buffy interrupted him, “Spike, I could've stopped you if I wanted to. Did you hear me complaining about the almost-kiss?"

He stopped and thought for a moment. “...No.”

“Right. That’s because I _wanted_ it to happen.”

Spike turned around and looked at her.

“In fact, if you hadn't, I was going to be the one to initiate the kissage, so don’t go on another guilt trip. You're racking up more frequent-flyer miles than Buzz Aldrin."

“You... wanted to kiss me? After everything I did...?"

"I told you several times that I forgive you, Spike. The thing that matters most to me is that you're sorry, and that you try to do your best to walk the straight-and-narrow. You were right when you said that people have done a lot worse than worship me, and I forgave them." 

Spike's brow furrowed. “I... don’t remember ever saying that... out loud.”

“Oh... that might’ve been Dream Spike who said that, now that I think about it. But that doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Dream Spike?" Spike gulped. "You... had dreams... about _me_?”

"Uh-huh. You were my... co-star." Buffy looked up at him from under her lashes and smiled, which Spike thought was the sweetest (yet most seductive) look he'd ever seen on a woman. "The dreams helped me see how I really feel about you, and that I shouldn't give up on you so fast."

Spike was stunned once again. Buffy dreamt about him? And they weren't innocent, _chaste_ dreams, judging by the look on her face.

Buffy could see he was speechless, so she stepped up to him. She touched his cheek, then trailed her hand down to his chest, idly fingering a buttonhole on his shirt. "I do want us to be friends... but I really want to try being more than that."

An awed smile twitched at the corners of Spike's mouth, he tilted his head, wondering if this was really happening or if it was just another one of his dreams. 

"Is that something you'd be interested in, too?" She lowered her eyes bashfully, certain of what his answer would be.

Dozens of thoughts and feelings raced through Spike's mind. There were shouts of jubilation within him to hear that Buffy fancied him, his dreams were coming true. But all the negativity he'd built up over the last few days wouldn't be banished so easily. The thoughts, _'I would only make Buffy miserable'_ , and _'She deserves better than me; I'm beneath her'_ , pushed past and overwhelmed his joy. He had to do the right thing -- for Buffy -- no matter how much it hurt him.

Spike squeezed his eyes shut and set his jaw, he took and released a shaky breath. "...No."

For a moment, Buffy continued as if his answer had been 'Yes', she'd been certain of what his reply would be. "I thought we could start by getting to know each..." Buffy paused and blinked up at him. "Did you say... 'no'?"

Spike looked into her eyes, trying to be strong and do what he thought was right. "I'm sorry..."

"But..." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "Okay... I'm thoroughly confused. I thought you wanted to be with me? Don't you love me anymore?"

The pout she was giving him was testing Spike's mettle -- he wanted nothing more than to kiss that pouty lip and make her smile again. But he had to stand firm -- for her sake.

Spike swallowed and stepped away from her. "I do love you... and that's why I said no. Being with me wouldn’t be good for you.”

Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. "Oh yay, another person in my life who thinks _they_ know what's best for me! I just can't get enough of that stuff." She took a deep breath and looked at him. "I never thought you'd be one of those people, Spike."

"Yeah..." he blinked back tears and smiled sadly, "I'm just full of surprises, ain't I?"

She crossed her arms. "You want to explain your stupid reason for rejecting me?"

"It's not _stupid_ ," Spike said, going to his bar and opening his last bottle of booze. "You deserve better than me, Buffy. You deserve someone... normal."

"Normal -- right! Because I'm just so damn _normal_ myself."

"But that's what you want to be... that’s what your mum wants for you too."

"I'm not normal and I never will be. Yeah, I wish my life was ordinary and dull sometimes, but it's not. I'm the Slayer, and I need to be with a man who challenges me, who supports and understands me. That's you, Spike."

"You deserve better than me," Spike repeated sullenly. "You deserve someone stable -- someone brave and noble, someone you could be proud of... and not have to _defend_ why you're with him to everyone that matters to you."

"I don't care what anyone else thinks."

"Yes, you do.”

Buffy made a frustrated sound, but then she thought of something that might make Spike change his mind. "You know... this is the same thing that Angel did -- leaving me ‘for my own good’, not respecting my intelligence and treating me like a foolish little girl. I thought you were different, but I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree -- you're just like him, aren't you, Spike? Angel must be so proud."

Spike faltered for a second, a look of sickening realization on his face -- he did _not_ want to be like Angel. Then he shook his head, trying like hell to stay strong. “Thanks ever so, Buffy! That's just bloody marvelous -- kick a man in the bloody teeth while he's down... I'm not like that ponce. I _do_ respect your intelligence, and I know you’re not a foolish little girl. I just don't want to hurt you again, I couldn't bear to see a look of hurt on your face again because of me. Thought you'd've learned something from that whole 'dating in the workplace' experience. I want you to be happy, Buffy."

Buffy pointed to her face. “Look at me -- do I look happy right now?”

Spike looked away. “It’s temporary, you’ll... fancy someone else before long. Why don't you chat up that young doctor again -- Brian, or whatever the bloody hell his name is. Your mum would be pleased as punch to have a doc for a son-in-law." Spike couldn't keep from snarling a bit when suggesting Buffy date Ben. The thought of her with anyone else twisted Spike's insides up in knots... but he wanted Buffy to be happy.

"Hunh? You mean, Ben? He's... nice."

"I saw you makin' eyes at him at the Bronze once. He seems... like a good, _normal_ guy. That's what you deserve."

Buffy sighed. "I do like Ben... What's not to like? He's a cute, caring guy who happens to be a doctor. But he's not who I want to be with. _I_ decide who I deserve and who's good for me, no one else can tell me who I should, or shouldn't, have feelings for. I won't even listen to my evil twin." 

Spike arched an eyebrow. "You have an evil twin?"

Buffy waved her hand dismissively. “Only in a dream I had, so don't get too excited. Listen, I don’t know where all this ‘for my own good’ crap came from, but it sucks. You and me... yeah, it might not work, but I think it could be amazing, Spike. And you know you really want it too... so stop being so damn stubborn!”

Spike didn’t know how long he could stand his ground, he felt himself weakening. He could see himself dropping to his knees in front of Buffy and saying yes to whatever she wanted, he’d take back everything he'd said and surrender. Spike chastised himself, _’No! You can’t back down! You’re doin’ this for her own good!’_

Spike did his best to sound serious and determined. "There's a lotta things about me you don't know anything about. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you _shouldn't_ understand."

Buffy frowned and looked up in thought. Why did what he was saying sound so familiar?

Spike continued solemnly, "You don't wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Buffy. A rebel."

Then Buffy realized why it sounded familiar. "Oh my God, you're quoting 'Pee-wee's Big Adventure'?"

Spike looked at her anxiously. "Am not!" he said quickly.

"Yes, you are! I've seen that movie a hundred times. That's the exact speech Pee-wee gave Dottie in the bike shop early in the movie."

Spike sighed. "Well, yeah... alright, maybe I did... borrow bits of the speech. But it's a bloody good speech,” he said defensively.

"Why do you have to _borrow_ bits of any speeches? Why can't you just talk to me, Spike?"

"'Cos... when I look at you, any grand things I had planned just fly right outta my head. So, I borrowed some bits of wisdom from Mr. Herman.” Spike stopped and took a breath. “My mind is made up, Buffy -- we can be... friends or colleagues, but nothing more. You don’t need me and the enormous amount of bloody baggage I’d bring along with me -- and that would be literal blood."

Buffy was not about to give up. She wasn’t going to let Spike throw away their chance at being together because of some misguided notion that he’d ruin her life. Her life sucked, Buffy was plagued by unhappiness -- but she had a good feeling that Spike might change all that; he could be ‘the one’ for her. She could sense that Spike would come around to her way of thinking with more prodding. He’d resorted to getting his dramatic speech from ‘Pee-wee’s Big Adventure’ -- it wouldn’t take much to make Spike crack.

Buffy decided she would pretend to accept his decision, and then work on breaking down his resistance. She sighed and frowned. “Maybe you’re right, Spike... Maybe ‘us’ was just a crazy idea. We’d only drive each other insane. We’ll try the ‘just friends’ thing.” Buffy sighed heavily again.

Spike swallowed and nodded. She was agreeing with him, finally, so why did hearing her say it make him feel so terrible? “Right.”

"I'm disappointed... but I'll respect your decision. You're right, it probably is best if we don't even try. Can I... ask for one little thing, though?" she asked innocently, batting her eyelashes at him.

“Yeah?”

"A kiss,” Buffy replied.

Spike’s eyebrows went up.

Buffy looked down shyly. "I know, I'm lame... but I was counting on at least getting a kiss. A _real_ kiss, just to get it out of my system. And then I won't bring up the subject of romance or kissing you ever again. You do kinda owe me one from before... remember?"

He was having a lot more trouble now maintaining his attitude, the thought of kissing her was nearly irresistible. A voice in Spike's head told him, _‘It’s just one sodding kiss, and it will help you get her out of your system too. You can keep your arms at your sides and just let her kiss you. Go on, it would make Buffy happy and appease her, you owe her...’_

Spike noticed his hand was shaking a bit as he put his whiskey bottle down. “Alright... if that's what you need to... move on."

Buffy walked up to him, her devilish smile was making Spike even more nervous. She put her hands on the sides of his face, pulling him to her and leaning in at the same time. Spike’s eyes closed at the touch of her lips. His arms twitched, wanting to wrap around her -- but he made a concentrated effort to keep them at his sides, balling his hands into tight fists against his thighs. Somehow he kept his cool as Buffy kissed him sweetly.

Spike started to pull back when he thought the tender kiss was over, but Buffy wasn’t through just yet. She held him more firmly and proceeded to kiss the hell out of him. Buffy mauled his lips, kissing him with passionate intensity. 

Spike moaned and began to lose his resolve when Buffy’s tongue plunged into his mouth. He grabbed onto her upper arms, pulling her tighter to him for a moment. But then he remembered he couldn’t let it get to him -- for Buffy’s sake.

Buffy finally released him, leaving them both gasping for air (though, only one of them actually needed to breathe). She wiped her mouth and smiled. “Good. I got the urge to kiss you right out of my system. I’ll be alright now.” 

Even though Spike hadn’t kissed her back for more than a few seconds, Buffy felt encouraged by the drunken look on Spike’s face. His eyes were a bit glazed over and he was leaning on the table next to him, looking like he might fall over. 

“Glad I could... help,” Spike panted. He picked up the bottle and took a drink. He thought, _'Bloody hell! Why am I doing this again? I can't just change my bloody mind after all that melodramatic shit I said... No, I've gotta be strong, it's for Buffy's own good not to get mixed up with me.'_

"Well, I guess I'd better head back home," Buffy said casually.

"Hmm? Oh... yeah, alright. Don't forget your, um..." Spike had to stop and think hard to make his brain start working again. "Your box of... stuff." He went to the box and picked it up.

Buffy smiled and took the box from him. "Thanks." She held the box under her right arm and flexed her left hand, grimacing.

"Somethin' wrong?" Spike asked.

"Oh, it's nothing. My hand's still kind of stiff, it's hard to hold a stake. And I'll have to put the box down if I have to fight..." Buffy shrugged and turned to leave. "I'm sure I'll be fine."

"You... uh, mind if I tag along?" Spike asked. "I have to go out anyways 'cos I'm outta blood... and whiskey... and smokes. I'm outta pretty much everything."

A broad grin stretched across Buffy's face. She toned down the smile before she turned back to look at him. "Sure, I wouldn't mind some company."

"I just have to clean myself up a bit, then I'll be ready to go." Spike started buttoning up his shirt.

"Okay, I'll wait for you upstairs," Buffy said, climbing up the ladder. 

Spike could hear sarcastic hand clapping in his head as he combed his hair back. _'Oh, bra-fucking-vo! Your willpower to be 'just friends' lasted, what? All of five minutes in the same room with her? What happened to all that introspection and wantin' to do what's best for her? One kiss from the Slayer and you fold like a cheap bleedin' card table.'_

Spike countered the negative voice, _'I'm just walkin' her home, is all. I'm only worried about her getting into a brawl with that weak stake-holding hand...'_

Why Spike felt the need to lie to himself, he didn't know. He did want to make sure Buffy got home safe, that was true, but the powerful lure she had over him was kicking in again. She was like catnip (or vampire-nip) to him, one sniff and he went wild. Buffy was actually interested in him, so how could he turn that -- the opportunity of a lifetime -- down? He didn't believe her claim of the 'getting the kiss out of her system' -- she'd done that to break down his resistance... and damned if it hadn't worked like a charm. 

Another thing that told him Buffy was not satisfied with one kiss: she'd baited him into walking home with her. He highly doubted she would take the risk of getting into a brawl if her hand wasn't healed yet, just for the sake of returning his coat and having a heart-to-heart with him. And wasn't she _right_ -handed?

Spike smiled a little. He never would've guessed that Buffy would be inventing reasons for them to spend more time together. She was so cute when she was being deceptive.

He thought, _'Sod all that 'I won't be good for her' bollocks! I can do it, I can make Buffy happy; I can be what she needs. I'm not like Peaches, I'll let Buffy make her own bloody decisions. It would make her *unhappy* not being with me, I'm the one she wants. Now... how to take back all that shit I said without looking like a complete git...?'_

Spike wanted to think everything over some more before he said anything to Buffy -- he'd still feel like an idiot telling her he'd changed his mind so quickly. But, with his lips still tingling from the rough, passionate kiss she'd given him, and that sweet Buffy-taste in his mouth, he didn't think he'd be able to holdout very long...


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mucho thanks to all my readers and my amazing beta Passion4Spike :D 
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy and Spike walked along the sidewalk together. She opted to carry the cardboard box, leaving him with his hands free for fighting, should the need arise. Buffy hoped no demons would jump out at them and interrupt their walk, she wanted some more time to work on getting Spike to change his mind.

"Nice night, isn't it?" Buffy remarked, looking up at the sky.

"Hmm? Oh... yeah, it is." Spike looked up at the sky too. The moon was full and hundreds of stars twinkled in the heavens; it was a night made for lovers to go for a stroll and stargaze.

"You look like you have something on your mind," Buffy said leadingly. She hoped he was still thinking about that kiss and wanting more.

Spike stopped walking and sighed, hanging his head. "I have absolutely no backbone... I'm a bloody jellyfish."

Buffy stopped beside him. "What're you talking about? You're ultra-brave."

"No... I'm a bloody weakling." Spike looked down at the ground and rubbed at the back of neck. "I know I'm not good enough for you," he began. "I know I don't deserve you."

Buffy rolled her eyes. She'd thought he was close to giving in, but he was just repeating the same crap he said back at the crypt. "Spike..."

"But..."

Buffy rolled her eyes forward again, a hopeful smile lifted the corners of her mouth. "But?"

"You've gotta understand, luv... I've spent the last few days arse over tits drunk and hating myself; it's not easy for me to cut through all that misery to see what I know is the truth."

"And what's the truth?"

"The truth is..." Spike took a breath and looked into her eyes. "I know I can make you happy, I've got it within me to be the kind of man you need, the kind of man you deserve. We're a bloody good match, like one of those super couples on soap operas. Would you think any less of me if I took back all that bollocks I said before?"

Buffy grinned and set the box down on the ground. "Let me answer your question this-a way," she said, putting her arms around his neck. "Was it that kiss I gave you that showed you how wrong you were?"

Spike's arms wound around her, he smiled. "That wasn't playing fair... You don't know how bloody hard it is to resist you..."

"Then stop resisting," Buffy said breathily.

Their eyes slid closed as their lips connected. It started off as soft and searching, but progressed quickly into a heated, plundering kiss. They tightened their hold on one another as their lips mashed together and sparks shot through their bodies.

Buffy broke for air after a minute. "Wow... it's _so_ much better when you participate and I don't have a busted lip," she panted, her hands fluttering over his face and through his hair.

"Mmmhmm." Spike smiled and lowered his mouth to hers again.

When they had to break for air again, they rested their foreheads together as they tried to catch their breath and control the lust surging within their bodies. 

Spike burned for Buffy; he felt like he might spontaneously combust, not from shame this time, but from sheer happiness and desire. The woman he loved was giving him a chance with her, she wanted him -- could he really be this lucky?

Buffy wanted Spike real bad too, but she recalled the taunts delivered by her evil twin in that dream she'd had. Buffy didn't want _just_ sex, she wanted to have something meaningful. She wanted both of them to be sure their attraction to each other wasn't just about lust. She wanted to be in love with Spike before she fully gave herself to him and took his love in return. She couldn't let herself fall in love with Spike if it turned out he was only deeply in _lust_ , not love, with her. They needed time to see if they liked being around each other -- without the immediate promise of naked fun.

Buffy looked at him demurely. "Maybe we should..."

"My thoughts exactly, pet." Spike grinned and took her by the hand, if his heart could beat it would be pounding double-time in his chest. He started walking briskly back down the sidewalk the way they'd come, pulling her along with him.

Buffy laughed, pulling back and dragging her feet to make him stop. "Spike, wait! Where are we going?"

He stopped, turned around and looked at her, puzzled for a moment. "To the crypt. Did you have somewhere else in mind? 'Cos I'm _up_ ," he waggled his eyebrows and smirked, "for anything." 

"But we're almost to my house..." Buffy looked back over her shoulder toward her house.

"Oh," Spike's smirk expanded, he stepped up to her again, putting his hands on her sides and moving them slowly down to her hips, "are Joyce and the Nibblet out for the evening, then?" 

"No, they're home."

Spike's forehead crinkled. "But... if they're home, we won't have privacy..."

Buffy raised an eyebrow. "Privacy for _what_?" 

"For... what we're gonna be doing..." Spike said slowly, looking at her expectantly. Surely she'd been thinking the same thing as him. The way she'd kissed him spoke of hunger and need; she obviously wanted him too.

Buffy's cheeks reddened with a blush, she looked down. "Spike, I don't want to just hop into bed with you."

"...You don't?" Spike was disappointed and still confused. "But the kissing..."

"Kissing isn't sex -- kissing can _lead_ to sex, but just kissing is awesome, too. Haven't you ever just made out with a girl without it leading to being naked?"

"Yeah..." Actually there weren't many occasions in his life Spike could think of where kissing and groping hadn't led directly to shagging. Waiting and 'getting to know each other' were human concepts, vampires were usually much more spontaneous and governed by their urges (and they were usually sluttier than humans, too -- lacking a soul tended to have that effect). 

"I want us to be about more than _just_ sex. That's not all you want from me, right?" Buffy looked up at him, batting her eyelashes.

"Of course... I want more than just sex from you. I love you, Buffy. I want all of you -- your mind, heart, and soul -- not just your body..." His eyes trailed down, he lightly licked his lips. His voice was a bit rougher, "Your nubile... tight... firm... perky..."

Buffy cleared her throat loudly, which made Spike jump and look back up into her eyes. "Sorry, pet... I get carried away when I start thinkin'... those sort of thoughts about you."

"I want us to be in love when we first... get together. That's important to me," Buffy persisted.

"You haveta know I love..." Spike paused and looked down. "Ah, you mean you want _both_ of us to be in love..."

Buffy touched and lightly stroked his cheek. "I'm getting there, Spike, I really am. I just need... a little more time. I've had some bad luck with boyfriends in the past, I don't want to just jump into something like this. I want us to be on the same page and able to share everything we are with each other, completely. Think how much better it will be with both of us feeling the same way. Sex without love can be lots of fun, but it's ultimately an empty experience."

"Yeah, but it's one of the _best_ empty experiences." Spike smiled. At her un-amused expression, he said, "Just a joke, luv. It was a Woody Allen quote, you set me up for it."

"Boy, you sure are full of helpful quotes tonight, ain't ya?" She rolled her eyes and blew out a breath. "I knew you wouldn't be happy with waiting... but I was hoping you'd understand." She pouted.

Spike stopped and thought before he said anything else. His first instinct was to try like mad to change Buffy's mind -- he wanted her so bad right now he might explode if they didn't shag immediately. But... he had to try acting more thoughtful, more _civilized_ , if he wanted to be her man. He had to put her wishes and needs first (though his own needs were hard to ignore, especially since they were currently putting a heavy strain on the zipper of his jeans).

Spike took a deep breath and swallowed, ordering himself to not act like a barbarian. "I... understand. I'll go along with it if that's what you want."

"You do? You will?" Buffy asked, wondering if he really would be okay with her plan.

"Yeah... and once I get my libido to shut the bloody hell up, I'll be happier that you want to actually build something _real_ with me. You don't want me _just_ for my hot, tight little body." He smiled and poked the tip of his tongue out. "Which, by the way, is yours anytime, anyplace, anywhere -- just say the bloody word."

Buffy smiled and put her arms around him. "I _do_ want your hot, tight little body, believe me. But I need to work up to that level of closeness. I think waiting is better than just... just doing it right away; waiting makes it more special. There's all kinds of anticipation and a buildup of lust."

"I've got the anticipation and the lusty buildup already... but I'll be a good boy. It's just not gonna be easy for me... I want you, I crave you. I want to feel your bare skin sliding against mine; I want to explore every plane and crevice of your body with my eyes... hands... and mouth." His eyes caressed her, wandering over her face and down her body, as he thought how glorious it would be to do all the things to her he'd imagined so many times. 

"I want to give you everything, Buffy. I want to take your body to heights you've never touched before... make you feel things you've never even dreamed of. I long to make you mine, to take you into the heavens and dance with you amongst the stars."

Buffy's eyes were glazing over, her brain was saying, _'Ohh yes, I want that! Gimme that!'_ But she kept herself under control and merely said, "Uh-huh," as she stared into his smoldering blue eyes.

"I love you so much, Buffy. And I want you to feel completely ready to give all of yourself to me. I'm a lucky bloke just to touch such a golden beauty for even a brief moment," Spike said, cupping and gently caressing her cheek. 

Buffy smiled and hugged him. "You can be so sweet and understanding. I love seeing this side of you."

Spike prayed for the strength to be 'sweet and understanding' for an indeterminate period of time. He told himself to just try appreciating how lucky he was that Buffy had feelings for him; it would happen eventually, and their relationship would be even stronger for the waiting. He inhaled the scent of her hair (green apple shampoo, if he wasn't mistaken) and held her snugly in his arms. "I'll wait for you forever, if that's what it takes." Then he whispered in her ear, "But please... don't make me wait forever, yeah?"

Buffy pulled back and laughed. "I won't keep you waiting forever, I promise. In fact..." she gave him a soft kiss on the lips, "you saying sweet things might make it happen a lot sooner..." Buffy added quickly, "But not 'soon' as in tonight or the next few days, so don't start laying the sweet-talk on thick thinking you'll 'score' tonight." 

Spike pursed his lips, smiling slightly. "You're gonna make me earn my abstinence badge, eh?" 

"I swear I'm not doing this as some kind of test for you. And it's not because I don't want you, 'cause I do..." 

A naughty voice in her head whispered, _'Are you crazy?! Spike's hot, tight body can be all yours, and you're saying no? He wants to take you dancing amongst the stars! Jump him! You're super-horny and he's more than willing. Rip his clothes off with your teeth and ride him like a pony!'_

Buffy had to stop and concentrate to get the naughty voice to be quiet, and reaffirm her resolve to wait. "I just want everything to be perfect."

"Waiting for 'perfect'... that might have us waiting a very long time. I'm not askin' this to put pressure on you, but... is there any timetable on how long you'll be wanting to... wait?"

"I wish I could tell you I'll be ready in a day or a week or whatever, but I don't know. Just... try to be patient with me, okay?"

Spike chuckled. "As you know, I have many virtues, but patience ain't one of 'em, pet. But... I'll do my best."

"Thank you." Buffy said with a teasing smile, "My grandma used to say 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free'. How do I know you won't be satisfied after just one time with me?" She was actually a bit worried that would turn out to be true, but she was trying to laugh it off. 

Thoughts of previous men she’d trusted flashed through her mind… Parker, Angel -- even Riley had eventually gotten tired of her and left; the possibility that one time was all Spike wanted frightened her more than she cared to admit. What if she just wasn’t any good? What if he mocked her like Angel had afterwards or just ‘took a poke’ and moved on like Parker? Buffy really didn’t think she could handle it if anything like that happened again. Spike _seemed_ sincere, but did they really _know_ each other? Apart from trading well-aimed barbs back and forth, they’d never really talked seriously before the whole Dru thing.

Spike laughed and shook his head, thinking she was out of her mind if she thought he'd have his fill after just one go. "I can guaran-bloody-tee that's not gonna happen, Buffy. Sleeping with you will be addictive, and I'll be needin' a regular _fix_. What I'm sayin' is: I want you. I want the cow." 

"Aww, there you go saying sweet things again." She laughed, forcing her thoughts away from the past and back to the present, and gave him another kiss. She looked around. "Come on, we can't stay here talking on the sidewalk all night." She went and picked up the cardboard box. "Let's go."

Spike sighed and followed her. Waiting to be with Buffy was going to be a true test of his willpower, which was another of his less used virtues, but he knew in his heart that Buffy was worth any amount of waiting. 

He fell into step beside her. "The first kiss of the night you gave me back at the crypt really was somethin' else," Spike said with a smile. "I didn't expect you to be all over me like..."

"A monkey on a cupcake?" Buffy supplied.

Spike laughed. "A what?"

"I've heard that monkeys go coo-coo for cupcakes."

"Alright... then yeah, you were on me like a monkey on a cupcake. I didn't know you could do that."

"Do what?"

"Kiss with so much... passion and ferocity. I know you're a passionate woman, I can see it when you fight; you show your dedication to your calling and your family every bloody day, but I didn't know you had that kind of kiss in you. Was all I could do to keep standing upright when you kissed me, thought my legs were gonna give out."

"There's more where that came from," Buffy said, blushing. Spike saying things like that definitely helped her confidence. "I don't know what it is about you, but I haven't kissed like that often -- or at all -- in the past. You just make me want to..."

"To what?" he asked, cocking his scarred brow.

"To do things we're waiting to do."

Spike was really trying to be good and commit himself to waiting as long as it took for Buffy to be ready. But by the sounds of it, she was already 'ready'. 

As if reading his mind, Buffy said, "My body's ready -- and the part of my brain that only cares about sex is ready. But I want my heart to be all in it too." 

Spike sighed. "Yeah... I think I understand. Regular kissing is good, but maybe we shouldn't do any more power-snogging, like the one you planted on me back at the crypt. I don't know if I'll be able to control my libido under those circumstances. I was putty in your hands after that kiss -- made me do a bloody U-turn with that 'we shouldn't be together' bollocks."

"My power-snogs have the ability to make even the most stubborn of vampires give in to anything I want, huh? That's good to know." Buffy smiled. Maybe this would work out okay, after all. Maybe she just hadn't found the right man -- maybe Spike was that man... maybe...

* * *

They were coming up on Buffy's house. She was relieved to see her friends' cars were gone, she wanted Spike to have a nice visit with her mom and Dawn for tonight. Telling her friends that she and Spike were going to be dating could wait until tomorrow... That was gonna be a fun conversation, as in 'not'! Buffy hoped that they could deal with it and not give her a hard time. After their talk on the way home, she felt even better about her and Spike's chances of having a real, solid relationship -- they might actually be able to make each other happy. But she still didn't want to jump into anything too deep too fast.

They stopped on the sidewalk in front of her yard.

"Well, here we are," Spike said. 

"Yep."

"S'pose I'll be goin' now... I'll see you sometime tomorrow?"

"You don't have to leave just yet, do ya?" Buffy asked, smiling and putting the box down on the grass. She gently pushed him until his back was against the tree in front of her house. 

"Well, I could stay a _bit_ longer." Spike smirked.

"I want to kiss you again, but will it be too hard?"

"Before I answer that question, I want to make sure what you mean by _it_ and _hard_."

Buffy giggled and swatted him playfully on the chest. "I meant, will making out with me be too _difficult_ for you because we're waiting before we... take our relationship further."

"We've gotta at least kiss or I'll lose my bloody mind. It's only the power-snogs we should avoid. And I can deal with any problems that... arise, myself."

They wrapped their arms around each other and locked lips again. Spike would think he'd dreamt the whole evening, but it obviously wasn't one of his dreams or fantasies -- if it were, he and Buffy would be naked and rutting like weasels by now. But just holding her in his arms, and feeling the passion in her kiss and embrace, was enough to let him feel like he could die happy.

"You're sure about this... about wanting to be with me? Dating, boyfriend/girlfriend type stuff?" Spike asked between kisses.

"Mmmhmm," Buffy murmured against his lips.

"You won't change your mind? 'Cos I don't think I could bear it... it would literally dust me."

She pulled back slightly and shook her head. "I won't change my mind."

"You won't yank the football away?"

"I won't yank..." Buffy was still smiling, but furrowed her brow. "Football?"

"Never mind, luv." He smiled and pulled her to him again. Spike mumbled as they kissed, "I swear... I intended to do what I thought was the right thing and stay away from you. I only want the best for you, pet."

"Having good intentions is better than actually doing the thing you intended to do," Buffy said, continuing to kiss him.

"It is?"

"Sure, why not! Shut up and kiss me."

They kissed deeply, soulfully. Buffy kept her arms around his neck, her hands idly tangling his hair. Spike's hands roamed over her back and sides. He kept his hands away from her naughty bits for the most part, he forgot himself and fondled her bum once or twice. Buffy wasn't complaining about it though. She also didn't complain when his hands made contact with the sides of her breasts. Spike wanted to feel her up good an' proper, but he contented himself with just brushing his hands over the sides of her breasts. And since Buffy wasn't objecting, he reckoned she liked it and didn't think it went over the line.

With her mind getting fogged with lust and her body heating up under Spike's attentions, Buffy was starting to reconsider all that 'waiting to sleep together' nonsense...

Spike's half-open eyes were drawn to the front porch as they kissed. He noticed the porch light flicker on and off, and then broke the kiss. "I just saw the light go on and off a few times -- you havin' electrical problems?"

Buffy looked back over her shoulder. "Oh... I think we've been spotted."

"Spotted?"

She sighed and reluctantly took a step back. "Turning the porch light on and off was a subtle way my parents invented to tell me to come in the house if I was out playing after dark when I was a kid, and then when I was older when I'd come home from a date and spend some time talking to or kissing my boyfriend outside."

Spike straightened up and smoothed back his hair, trying to look unflustered if Joyce or Dawn were peering at them from a window. He hoped Joyce hadn't been looking when his hands had strayed down to Buffy's ass... "Well, I guess this is goodnight, then."

"Well, there is one more thing you could stick around for." Buffy fixed her slightly rumpled clothing and smoothed back her own hair. 

"What's that, luv?"

"My mom and Dawn said they'd like to thank you for helping me get away from Dru. It'll only take a minute."

Spike looked down and stuffed his hands down in the pockets of his duster. "Nah, that's alright."

"They really want to thank you."

He absently kicked at an old cigarette butt leftover from one of his late night vigils at the tree. "You relayed their thanks, that's good enough."

"Is this you being modest? What is it?" Buffy asked, poking him in the arm. 

"No, definitely not that -- I don't think I'm even capable of modesty. I didn't have much time to gussy m'self up before I left the crypt, and I prefer to look my best for them." That was part of the reason for his reluctance; the other part was that Spike felt guilty for stealing things from their house. He wouldn't want Joyce and Dawn to think he'd only been using them to get closer to Buffy, he genuinely cared for all the Summers women. 

She chuckled. "You still look great with little effort... you bastard. You know, there might be a cake in your future..."

Spike looked up interestedly. "They'd make a cake for me?"

"There was talk of cake. And I know there's a pint of rocky road ice cream with your name on it. Dawn bought it 'cause she knows you like it."

"I told Dawn that was one of my favorites, she remembered." He smiled.

"Of course she remembered," Buffy said with a roll of her eyes.

"What do you mean 'of course'?"

"She... uh..." Buffy didn't want to piss Dawn off by telling Spike about her crush. "I mean, she just likes you. You're her friend, so she remembers that kind of stuff."

"She's a sweet girl."

"Yep, she is... in an annoying kid sister kind of way. But she does have her moments," Buffy joked. 

"Alright... I s'pose I can drop in for a minute." 

They started up the front walk.

His gait slowed when something occurred to him. "Wait... did you tell them about the shrine?"

"Um..." Buffy bit her lip.

"Right!" Spike said, spinning around and stomping away from the house.

Buffy dropped her box of stuff again and went after him, grabbing the bottom half of his duster that was billowing out behind him, and pulling back on it to keep him from getting too far. Spike strained to keep walking forward despite her hold on him. 

"Come on, Spike, don't go! So they know about it, so what?" 

"So what?" Spike asked incredulously, stopping and turning around to face her. "Yeah, I'm sure they'll be real _cordial_ to me after they know what a pervy bastard I am." He ran a hand back through his hair. He felt downright panicky at the thought of facing Buffy's mother now. He groaned, "Bloody hell, Buffy... Why'd you have to tell them everything?"

"I didn't tell them _everything_ \-- I left a lot of stuff out, like the... biting. I left the shrine part out of the story when I first told them... but my mom made me tell her."

Spike looked at her and arched an eyebrow. "She _made_ you tell? How'd she do that exactly? Bamboo shoots under the fingernails? The Chinese water torture?"

"Well... she used her psychic mom powers and she knew something happened between us that I wasn't telling her. I didn't want to lie right to her face, Spike. She pulled it out of me, I couldn't help it. You're really that afraid of what my mom might say to you? She's not an ogre, ya know?"

"I'm not _afraid_ of her... but it's like I told you before, I actually like Joyce. It's just that... your mum and Dawn were the only two people who treated me like a person and not a freak, like the rest of your gang does. I don't give a toss what anyone thinks of me... 'cept you... and your mum and sis." Spike glanced warily at the house. "I don't want to go in there and see that look in their eyes that tells me they see me for what I really am now..."

"What they'll see is the guy who went against the love of his life and saved _my_ life. Would you stop being so hard on yourself? Did you get re-souled while I wasn't looking? All your self-flagellation and broodiness is throwing me for a loop."

"I haven't eaten any Gypsies lately, so no," he muttered. "An' I'm not _broody_."

"Would Mom and Dawn want to thank you or bake you cakes if they didn't like you anymore?"

He shrugged as he studied a very interesting crack in the sidewalk, unable to meet her eyes.

Buffy kissed his cheek softly. "It'll be fine, Spike. I promise. Mom said she wasn't happy about all that shrine stuff, but she still likes you."

Spike looked up at her with doubt in his eyes. "How can she still like me after that? I'd kill the bastard who did that to my daughter..."

"She just likes you. She thinks the same way about you that I do now, that you can be a great guy with the right guidance and encouragement -- and my mom's a good judge of character. She's way more grateful that you saved my life than she is mad. She's not going to yell at you or anything," Buffy assured him. "And Dawn's opinion of you hasn't changed either."

Spike made a grumbling sound and looked back down at the ground.

"Do I have to power-snog you again to get you to do what I want?" Buffy teased.

Spike looked up at her, smiling slightly. "Don't resort to pullin' out the big guns, luv. I'll..." He stood up straight and squared his shoulders. "I'll face the bloody music."

Buffy breathed out in relief. She never expected trying to convince Spike to be her boyfriend or trying to convince him to go into her house would be so hard. It was exhausting! She went to pick up the cardboard box again.

"You're gonna be carrying the box... your mum is gonna comment on it," Spike said uneasily.

"I can put it next to my old 'sneakin' out of the house' tree here and climb out and get it later." She looked at him to see if he liked that plan better.

Spike nodded. "If you wouldn't mind. She might mention that I nicked things from you, but there's no reason to remind her of it straightaway."

They walked up the porch steps after she left the box at the base of the tree.

"Your mum isn't using the thanking me thing just so she can lure me into the house to hit me on the head with an axe again, is she?" Spike asked jokingly.

Buffy laughed as she opened the front door. "No, it's not a trap. I don't think she even keeps her axe in the living room anymore," Buffy teased. At Spike's worried expression, she added quickly, "Joke, Spike... lighten up!"

"Mom, I'm back," Buffy called cheerfully, heading for the kitchen. "And I brought someone with me who wants to say --"

When Buffy entered the house, Spike took a deep breath, preparing for what might be an awkward conversation with Joyce, and then started forward through the door -- only to bounce face-first off an invisible barrier at the threshold. 

He was momentarily stunned from his nose and forehead colliding with what felt like a brick wall, and stumbled backwards. He lost his footing and fell on his ass on the porch. "Bloody hell!" Spike yelled, putting a hand to his aching nose. 

Buffy spun around. "Spike!" She rushed back out the door and crouched beside him. "Are you okay? What happened?" Then her eyes widened when she remembered about the dis-invite spell. She thought, _'Oh no, I forgot to invite him in again! No, I said 'come in, Spike'... didn't I? I know I said it!'_

"I don't know what the bloody hell happened!" Spike growled, holding his bleeding nose. He was still sitting on the porch, too confused and dazed to stand up yet. "I was just tryin' to follow you and..."

Dawn and Joyce came out of the kitchen to see what was going on. They hurried to the front door. 

"Are you alright, Spike?" Joyce asked. "What happened?"

Dawn figured it out quickly. "Buffy, did you forget to invite him in? How could you forget?!"

"I-I remembered!" Buffy insisted, though she was becoming more convinced that she _had_ forgotten, and she felt like shit for it. She took Spike's arm and helped him back up to his feet. The dis-invite spell had completely slipped her mind -- after the emotional talks with Spike this evening, combined with the red-hot kisses, her brain had turned to mush. 

"I don't need an invite after the first time it's given, Platelet," Spike said, still wondering what the hell had happened. On top of the confusion and ebbing pain in his nose and forehead, he was embarrassed about falling on the porch. He normally had the reflexes of a cat, and wasn't prone to falling down like some uncoordinated drunkard.

Dawn's brows formed a V, she looked at Buffy. "You didn't tell him?" 

"Tell me what?" Spike asked, looking from one sister to the other.

Joyce tried diffusing the situation when she saw how anxious Buffy looked. "Spike, I wanted to thank you for helping Buffy the other night. I can't tell you how grateful we all are."

Spike was distracted (as Joyce had hoped he would be) and smiled at her. "Yeah, well... you don't have to thank me, Joyce. I've always got Buffy's back, no worries."

Dawn rushed into the living room and then came back with a Kleenex, handing it to Spike.

"Thanks." Spike took the tissue and wiped the blood from his nose. He figured it was more polite than licking his nose blood; he didn't want to gross out Dawn and Joyce like he had Buffy that one time. Spike's distraction from the issue at hand didn't last long, he was puzzled and wanted to know why he hadn't been able to enter the house. 

He looked at Dawn. "You seem to have an idea why it is I bounced off the threshold, Sweetbreads. Want to clue me in?"

Dawn swallowed, her eyes darting to Buffy for a moment. Buffy looked kinda panicky, but Dawn couldn't lie to Spike. "Willow cast a dis-invite spell on the house. Buffy must've forgotten about it." She wanted to add, _'I don't know *how* she could've forgotten, though. It's a really stupid thing to forget!'_

"Why would Red...?" Spike began, then trailed off and looked at Buffy, tilting his head. He could see guilt written all over her face.

Buffy gave herself a mental kick in the ass. Spike's expression broke her heart. Confusion, shame, and embarrassment warred it out on his face. But it was the hurt she saw in his eyes that got to her the most. It was plain that Spike was deeply hurt at realizing Buffy had actually taken that drastic step to keep him out of her home, and ultimately out of her life.

Buffy had thought the difficult and bad part was over -- Spike had lightened up and they'd made with some _very_ nice smoochies on their way to her house. But now things had turned rotten again all because she'd forgotten one little, but extremely _important_ , detail.

At the palpable escalation of tension Joyce spoke up again, "Spike, why don't you come in and --"

Spike shook his head and tried smiling at Joyce. "No thanks, 'fraid I can't sit an' visit," he said thickly. He had to get out of there before he made a bigger fool out of himself and let a tear fall. "I've gotta be going. Places to go, people to see. Thanks for the invite -- little late, but still much appreciated."

Spike turned and went quickly back down the porch steps.

* * *

"Spike, wait!" Buffy called, going after him.

Joyce closed the front door to give Buffy a bit of privacy for the argument that was about to happen.

Spike didn't stop walking, but Buffy caught up with him before he left the yard. She ran around in front of him and made him stop. 

Buffy held up her hands. "I'm sorry, okay? I forgot about the spell."

"Why? Why didn't you tell me?" Spike asked, his expression stony. "You let me look -- and feel -- like a complete prat!"

"I _forgot_ about it! I'm sorry," Buffy repeated. "People forget things sometimes, y'know? I've had a few things on my mind lately." 

"Did you let me bounce off the doorway on purpose? Is that it?" Spike asked tightly, clenching and unclenching his jaw, his eyes glistening. "Did you want to put me in my place by showing me you can shut me out at any time? Did you do it for a larf? Did you do it to hurt me because of the way I hurt you? Congratulations, Slayer, you're a fucking expert at pullin' that football away at the last moment."

Buffy had no idea what the football thing was about, she focused on the rest of what he said. "I did _not_ do it on purpose! You have to know that, Spike. After everything I've said to you tonight, you _have_ to know I wouldn't hurt you like that. You're as bad as I am at jumping to wrong conclusions. I had Willow do the spell before Dru kidnapped me -- it was before I let myself really _see_ you."

"You mean, it was before you let gratitude and some touchy-feely dreams change your mind about me again. You knew what I was then, a monster, and you were properly disgusted by me havin' feelings for you." 

At first, Spike thought Buffy had the spell done after the shrine incident. He thought she'd been so afraid of him and what he might do to her and her family that she'd taken extreme measures, and that brought back all the self-loathing he'd felt the past few days. But it wasn't much better knowing she'd had Willow cast the spell before the kidnapping by Drusilla even took place. All those negative, awful things he'd thought about himself came flooding back into his mind. He was once again reminded that he didn't deserve a woman like Buffy; he wasn't worthy of her.

Buffy couldn't deny that, at the time she'd asked Willow to do the spell, she really had been disturbed at just the thought that Spike could be in love with her. "I'm not blind when it comes to you now like I was then. I said I was sorry, Spike."

"That's the thing, luv: you don't have to be sorry. You were taking precautions to keep an obsessed psychopath out of your house -- you were being smart." Spike laughed miserably. "You didn't even know how _right_ you were to do the spell at the time -- I'd been stealing your stuff and stalking you for a long while at that point. You shoulda done the spell _long_ ago. You should 'ave Red do it again."

"I told you, that was _before_ the whole thing with Dru chaining me up. It was before I knew how you really felt. It was before I knew you were capable of changing for the better, before I knew you were capable of truly loving me."

"It was before you let gratitude and sentiment interfere with your decision-making process. You knew better then."

Buffy rubbed her forehead and sighed. "God, Spike, will you please just stop it?"

"Good thing I didn't know about you doing the dis-invite when this all started, eh?" Spike laughed again. "Maybe I wouldn't have tried _quite_ so hard to bust you out of the mansion." That was a lie, of course. Spike would've saved Buffy no matter what, but right now he was hurt, reeling, and felt humiliated.

Buffy frowned, tears stung her eyes. "...You don't mean that. You didn't know about the dis-invite, but you had no reason to think I'd ever choose to be with you."

Spike smiled ruefully. "Ah, but you forget what a vindictive, demented bastard I am, Slayer -- it woulda made a difference. Knowin' you shut me out and snubbed me woulda made me bloody well _seethe_."

"I don't believe you would've let me die in that mansion, even if you knew about the spell," Buffy said, her voice shaky.

He snorted and shook his head. "Believe whatever the fuck you want, doesn't matter to me. You didn't revoke my invitation for _years_ , and I always wondered why that was. After all the nasty things I've done to you and your mates, you didn't take away my invite. And what finally tipped the scales? Your little sis telling you that I might _possibly_ be in love with you. My hatred was fine with you, but my love disgusted you enough to finally shut me out.

"If I hate you and everything you stand for, that's alright with you; but if I dare to actually have the gall to love you, you want me out of your life. Bloody brilliant!"

Buffy's frustration boiled over. "You know what? I'm exhausted from trying to _finesse_ you all damn night. I'm surprised I'm not freakin' hoarse from trying to convince you we should be together and that I care about you! You want to leave so bad? Then leave! I'm tired of this shit!" Buffy crossed her arms angrily and turned her back to him.

Spike gave her an acidic look (which was lost on her since she wasn't looking at him), and then turned on his heel and walked swiftly away, leather duster flapping out behind him dramatically.

After ten seconds went by without Spike saying anything, Buffy turned her head to see him walking away. "Hey!" Buffy called, frowning. "You weren't supposed to actually leave! Get back here! Spike!"

She scowled at his retreating back as he completely ignored her, cut through a neighbor's yard and disappeared from view behind a house. 

"Dammit!" Buffy put her hands to her temples and rubbed. 

This was not how she envisioned the night ending...

* * *

Buffy hung up her jacket, and then stomped into the kitchen and went to the sink to get a glass of water, grumbling about "stupid, overly sensitive vampires". Joyce was sitting at the island with a cup of tea, and Dawn was standing near the refrigerator, both were wondering what to say.

"It didn't go well, I take it?" Joyce asked delicately.

"No, it did _not_." Buffy leaned back against the counter. "Spike's so damn touchy and stubborn! And he's paranoid, too! He actually asked me if I did that to trick him or to teach him some kind of lesson... It took so much _work_ to get him here and it had to end like that... This sucks!"

"You really hurt Spike's feelings, Buffy," Dawn reprimanded her.

"Thanks, I hadn't figured that out, Dawn." Buffy rolled her eyes.

Dawn had given Buffy her blessing to be with Spike, but she couldn't help but feel protective of him (and a teensy bit jealous). She crossed her arms. "If I was his girlfriend, I never would've hurt his feelings like that."

"You're a 14-year-old kid and he has zero interest in you -- so I guess we'll never find out if that's true or not," Buffy replied testily.

Dawn narrowed her eyes, but then a small, malicious smile appeared on her face. "Yeah... I guess I'm really more _Angel's_ type, huh? He likes jailbait."

"Dawn!" Joyce chastised her, surprised.

Buffy's mouth dropped open too. "That was really low, Dawn."

Dawn shrugged. "And calling me a stupid kid and saying Spike wouldn't look twice at me wasn't low? You know how much I like him!"

"I didn't say you were stupid. And what's Spike been telling you? Has he been talking trash about Angel to you?" Buffy didn't like the idea of Spike trying to poison Dawn's mind against Angel -- she knew Spike was still very much liable to do something like that, no matter how much he'd changed.

Dawn rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, I can't form opinions all by myself -- someone has to _tell_ me what to think. Spike doesn't even like the mention of Angel's name -- all my info was gathered from other sources. Fact: Angel was perving on you way back when you still went to Hemery. Fact: He was 240 years old, pretended to be all cultured, well-read and stuff, but he was interested in a 15-year-old high school girl -- I'm sure he was only interested in having intellectual discussions with you. You guys had nothing in common. Fact: He hung around, followed you, and --"

"That's enough, Dawn!" Buffy said brusquely. 

"That's enough out of _both_ of you girls!" Joyce interrupted them. "What's wrong with the two of you? Snapping at and being just plain _mean_ to each other like that over men. You should be ashamed of yourselves."

They both looked down, feeling suddenly guilty for behaving that way and saying what they'd said; they'd let their emotions get the best of them and realized how mean they'd been. They mumbled, "Sorry, Mom."

"Apologize to each other," Joyce said sternly.

The sisters sighed, looked at each other and apologized sincerely. Their mother still looked cranky, so they gave each other a little hug and apologized again.

"That's better." Joyce got up from the table. "I don't want to hear you two talking to each other like that ever again. You hear me?"

They nodded.

"What I said was way out of line... I really am sorry, Buffy," Dawn said.

"Me too." She hugged Dawn again. "I'm just having a _really_ frustrating night... I'm sorry I took it out on you. I've had enough rides on emotional rollercoasters to last several lifetimes." 

"I had a flare-up of my Spoiled Brat Syndrome," Dawn joked. "I promise I won't say stuff like that again... I'm still okay with you and Spike going out. I just kind of felt... protective of him 'cause he got hurt and he looked so sad..."

"I don't think you have to worry about me going out with Spike -- I'm done chasing him." Buffy raised her nose in the air. "I'm not gonna go crawling to him and begging forgiveness again. I never had to work this frickin' hard to get a guy, who's supposedly madly in love with me, to ask me for a date. If he stops acting like a baby and wants to talk, he knows where to find me."

"Well... Spike's sensitive, and you hurt his feelings -- unintentionally. It might take him a while before he's ready to talk to you again," Dawn pointed out.

Buffy shrugged and casually rearranged the storage jars on the kitchen counter, acting indifferent. "Whatever."

"Can I feel secure leaving the room now?" Joyce asked. "You two aren't going to start arguing again?"

"We're _fine_ , Mom," they droned.

"You'd better be. I'm going upstairs to take a bath before bed." Joyce gave them another cautioning look, then went upstairs.

"You really forgot about the dis-invite spell?" Dawn asked, sitting down at the island.

Buffy groaned. "Yes, I'm just _that_ stupid and I really forgot about the spell. I was going to tell Spike I had Willow cast the spell, I really was -- but there wasn't a good time to bring it up. He was so broody and depressed when I first went to talk to him... And then I just forgot. I could swear I invited him in though..."

"You know, Spike's really hot," Dawn said matter-of-factly.

"Yeah, I noticed. And?"

"And if you don't close the deal, some other skank could swoop in and try stealing him."

Buffy put her hands on her hips. "What do you mean by 'other skank'?"

"I meant like Harmony, not you," Dawn clarified. "You're totally un-skanky."

Buffy shook her head, dismissing the idea that Spike would go trolling for bimbos. "Spike could've had his pick of women since he's been in Sunnydale, and the best he could find was Harmony. He obviously wasn't even trying to find anyone better than her or he would've."

"Yeah, but now he's all upset and might be an easy target for a motivated bimbo." 

"I don't care," Buffy said, trying to sound apathetic. 

"You're really just gonna give up trying to talk to Spike?" It was incomprehensible to Dawn, she'd stop at nothing if she really had a chance of being Spike's cuddle bunny. 

"I _talked_ to him all damn night. I've got some pride left, y'know? I'm done."

"I wouldn't give up if I were you -- and yeah, I know he isn't interested in me and I don't have a snowball's chance in hell -- but _if_ I had a chance, I wouldn't give up until he was mine."

"I just don't know what else I'm supposed to say or do, Dawnie," Buffy sighed, frustrated. "I tried everything I could think of. It was finally going great... right up to the point when he ran into the anti-vamp barrier. And I _know_ I said, 'Come in, Spike'. Willow must've made it a super-powerful spell that requires multiple invites or something..."

Dawn doubted Willow had screwed up a simple dis-invite spell, but didn't want to say so. She only shrugged.

"I'm going to bed, Spike can do whatever, with whoever, he wants. I don't care anymore -- it's not worth the headaches he gives me. Who knew vampires could be so damn touchy?! One little _innocent_ mistake and he's all off the deep end! He's a pain in the ass that I just don't need." Buffy walked out of the kitchen toward the stairs. She wanted to turn and go upstairs, but found herself walking on to the front door instead.

"Tell Spike I said hi." Dawn waved.

Buffy sighed and took her jacket back off the hook. "I will."

* * *

Spike didn't go back home right away. He was still out of just about everything and needed to hit the shops. First he stopped at Willy's and had a few pints, then he got into a proper fight to get out some of his bottled up aggression, then he went shopping.

Spike had some time to think about what happened at Buffy's house, and he felt badly for some of the things he'd said to her. Accusing Buffy of purposely not telling him about the spell was just plain stupid -- he knew in his heart she wouldn't do that, not after all the sweet things she'd said to him earlier. But he'd let his hyper-emotional and insecure side take over.

It still upset him that she'd had Willow cast the spell, she'd been _that_ freaked out about him possibly being in love with her. But things really had changed a lot since then, Buffy didn't see him as nothing but a muzzled animal anymore, she cared about him... at least he thought she did.

But he'd also told Buffy he might not have saved her life if he'd known about the spell. That was a lie, but he'd still said it. Would he have been angry and hurt? Yes. Would he have let Buffy die? Definitely not. Spike had taken a lot of abuse from Buffy and her friends in the past and that hadn't stopped him from helping and protecting her when he could. Knowing about the spell would have wounded him, but it wouldn't have made him stop loving her. 

Buffy was probably reevaluating the whole being attracted to him thing now. Maybe he'd try talking to her in a day or two, he wasn't in the mood for any more conversations tonight. If she did still care about him after what he'd said, he didn't know if the two of them should even _try_ having a relationship. Perhaps they were just doomed from the start.

Spike's ego and feelings were still smarting, he needed some time to think things through before he felt ready to see Buffy again. He had no idea what the hell was wrong with him lately -- he was thinking and feeling like he had a bloody soul. But he'd lost his soul long ago and it wasn't possible for a soul to come back without some sort of magick being involved. He wondered if falling in love with Buffy had planted a seedling of a soul within him, and now the seedling was starting to blossom.

"That'd be my soddin' luck... Didn't ask for a bloody soul." Spike started for home with his grocery bag of blood, smokes, and lots of whiskey.

* * *

Buffy was sitting on a tombstone near the crypt waiting for Spike to come home.

She wasn't really worried that Spike might have gone looking for another woman to bed, but she knew she wouldn't be able to sleep with the way things were left between them. She wasn't going to let days go by without putting things right with Spike.

Part of her wanted to give up on the idea of getting together with Spike and think of it as dodging a major bullet -- imagine all the headaches he would've given her in the future. But a bigger part of Buffy thought that Spike was worth all this trouble and aggravation. She was a woman on a mission, and she wasn't going to quit until the air was cleared and Spike forgave her. Then they could embark on the next part of her plan... getting to know each other better... and more kissage... definitely more kissage.

Buffy was beginning to wonder if Spike was spending the night out (or maybe he did pick up a skank), when she heard the sound of someone approaching. She looked toward the entrance of the cemetery to see Spike on his way home, carrying a grocery bag.

She could hear bottles clanging together. _'Yeah, that's what he needs -- more booze,'_ she thought with a roll of her eyes.

When he got closer, Buffy stood up and brushed off the seat of her pants. "Well, look who finally decided to come home."

Spike stopped, hung his head back and groaned. He'd been lost in thought and didn't notice her until now; he hadn't expected to see her again tonight. "'M not in the mood for any more in-depth discussions, Slayer." He was trying to contain it, but seeing that she hadn't given up on him made warmth bloom in his chest and sent a tingle up his spine.

"I've been waiting here..." Buffy checked her wristwatch, "for almost an hour. I didn't wait all that time just to scurry away when you order me to."

"Sorry you wasted your time," he said dryly. 

"It wasn't a total waste, I dusted two vamps while I was waiting. That counts as a patrol."

"Good on ya, Slayer." While Spike was happy to see her, he really didn't think he could handle any more emotional conversations tonight. He'd rather do this in a day or two, but Buffy, as usual, seemed to have a different opinion on the subject.

"You're back to calling me just 'Slayer' all the time again, huh?" Buffy asked. "You weren't supposed to leave when we were talking in front of my house, y'know? You were supposed to stay and make nice -- again."

Spike raised his eyebrows. "Even though you told me to leave, turned you your nose up and turned your back on me?"

Buffy shook her head. "You still don't understand women after 120 years?"

"I could live to be a _thousand_ and still not understand you bloody women," Spike said, continuing on his way to the crypt.

Buffy followed him. "I think I understand you now."

Spike stopped and turned to face her. "Oh, think you have me figured out, do you?" he asked derisively. "How could you possibly know what makes me tick?"

"I should've said I understand you _better_ than I did -- _I_ could live to be a thousand and still not totally 'get' you. For so long, I only saw you as a bad guy who was forced to behave because of the chip. But you're like one of those 3-D paintings, you know the ones you have to look at a certain way and squint super hard to see the real picture?"

He responded by raising an eyebrow.

"It's a good analogy," Buffy defended with a frown. "It took what happened with Dru for me to squint at you and see what you try keeping hidden below the surface."

Spike looked at her suspiciously. "Have you been drinking?" 

Buffy rolled her eyes. "No. It's just something I was thinking about while sitting on the headstone and waiting for you, and trying to ignore how numb my ass was getting."

"Can we give the talkin' a rest for tonight?" Spike asked wearily, reaching out to open the crypt door. "I've really had enough; I'm knackered."

Buffy moved into the doorway and blocked him just as he was about to go inside. "I've forgiven you for a lot of stuff, Spike. Why can't you do the same for me? You really can't forgive me for the dis-invite spell?"

Spike looked into her eyes and then looked down. "There's really nothing to forgive. I'm not angry with you."

"It sure _seems_ like anger to me."

Spike looked back up into her eyes. "I _was_ brassed off when I ran into the barrier and realized what it was. I felt like a bloody fool... I thought the joke was on ol' Spike again and everyone would have a good laugh. But I've simmered down a bit since then."

"So you don't think I set you up to laugh at you or 'put you in your place' anymore? That accusation hurt, Spike." Buffy pouted slightly. "I thought you knew I wouldn't do something like that to you."

He shook his head, looking a bit guilty. "You were right about me jumping to the worst conclusions... I'm sorry I thought you'd do something like that to me after all the kind things you said earlier. I was just sorta... dazed and confused at the time. 

"And... I didn't mean that other thing I said about... not helpin' you escape from Dru if I'da known about the spell. That was my bruised feelings and ego talkin', not me. I'm so sorry I hurt you again..." Spike sighed. "Why do we keep hurting each other?"

Buffy shook her head and shrugged. "We do have a talent for pissing each other off."

"I do love you, Buffy, that'll never change. Being with you would make me the happiest man on the planet. But maybe we're just not good for each other... We've gotten close and kissed a few times now, and just when everything seemed to be going well, we blew up on the bloody launch pad."

Buffy shrugged. "Maybe that just means we have to _really_ want it. Spike… look, we’ve made a habit of tossing insults at each other for a long time and just letting them bounce off, now it seems we’ve swung one hundred and eighty degrees and any little thing that happens, even though it’s _unintentional_ , is hurting our feelings. We need to find a middle ground where we can be comfortable and trust each other so we can move forward and build a real relationship. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready to try to do that. We owe it to ourselves to at least _try_. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't think you were worth it."

Sometimes Spike could swear he had a beating heart in his chest. Hearing Buffy say she thought he was worth the effort to make something real between them -- to build a relationship, and seeing the determination in her eyes, made him feel lightheaded as if his pulse was racing. "Mind if we take this inside? I want to put this bloody bag down."

Buffy opened the door and went inside, followed by Spike. He put the grocery bag down by his mini-fridge while Buffy made herself at home and sat on a sarcophagus.

"You don't think I'm afraid of things going horribly wrong between us again?" Buffy asked him. "And I don't just mean that I'm afraid you'll do something bad and/or stupid -- I'm worried about me screwing things up, too... like when I forgot about the dis-invite spell. I didn't mean to hurt you or make you feel stupid... but I did. None of my relationships have worked out. I blamed the guys I was with, but it's me -- there's something inside me that makes me... unlovable." She looked down sadly. "I think there might be something wrong with me." 

He frowned and shook his head. "Piffle. No, luv, there's _nothing_ wrong with you. Don't let what that ponce Finn did make you think it's you who has the problem. _He_ was lacking, not you!" Spike said hotly. "You deserve a mate whose manhood isn't threatened by your strength and abilities, you don't need some insecure little wanker who can't stand the fact that his woman could wipe the floor with him. And he was too bloody needy, thinkin' he should come first in your life above all else. He didn't understand you or your calling, Buffy. Don't blame yourself for his shortcomings."

Buffy looked up at him, smiling a bit. "Riley wasn't the right guy for me, that's obvious to me now. And it really was for the best that he left, even though it hurt at the time. I've got a feeling you're the right guy for me, Spike; I can see everything pretty clearly now. So you'd better stop turning me away before I get really cranky -- you wouldn't like me when I'm cranky."

Spike smiled and snorted. "I've seen it... and no, I don't wanna see you cranky again." He took the containers of blood out of the bag and put them in the fridge. "You know what's really been naggin' at me?" Buffy shook her head. "You went so quickly from hating me to liking me, and then back to hating me again after you saw the shrine... and now you're back to fancying me again -- who's to say it won't happen again? Next time you get brassed off am I gonna find myself bouncing off the threshold again?"

"That won't happen," Buffy promised sincerely. "I've been an emotional yo-yo lately, but I'm done going back and forth now. I know what I want. I want _you_ , Spike. I think we could have something amazing if we can just get past these bumps in the road." 

He smiled, then sighed. "I wish I felt as confident about it... What if I bollix something up again? It is _me_ , after all -- I'm bound to do something bloody stupid sooner or later. What if I can't control my impulses and do something you don't approve of? I don't want to hurt or disappoint you again..."

"If anybody can fight their bad impulses, you can. The fact that you even _care_ if you hurt me or might disappoint me in the future shows how different you are than other vampires, and how much you've changed since we first met. You're special... That's special-special, not the 'riding the short bus to school' kind of special."

Buffy got up and walked over to him, wanting to look him in the eye. "I saw your strength when you went against Dru to help me. You fought your demon and won. You did the right thing and chose to save me even though you didn't think anything would ever happen between us. You chose me over having your old life with her back. You have the strength inside you to live any way you want. I believe in you, Spike."

Spike smiled and tilted his head, his eyes welled with tears of happiness. Her saying those words to him brought everything into focus again. Buffy believed in him, so he should believe in himself, too. "You mean that?"

"I really do. I thought I told you that before, but there's a good chance it was Dream Spike."

His smiled widened. "Dream Spike was a lucky bloke." First, Spike had been jealous of himself in Buffy's Dru-induced hallucination, and now he was jealous of his dream-self. The _real_ Spike was happy to finally be getting some of that encouragement and affection from Buffy too. 

Buffy smiled. "Dream Spike was a very passionate, very _naughty_ , very sweet bloke. He made a crude comment to me and my evil twin, but other than that he was great." She put her arms around his neck. "But I think the real you will prove to be even more interesting." Buffy was about to kiss him when she stopped and asked, "How's your nose?" She gently touched, then kissed the tip of his nose. "Did you get hurt too bad when you ran into the anti-vamp barrier or when you fell?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I think I'm a bit tougher than that, Buffy. The only thing really hurt was my pride..." He added with a slight smile, "...and my nose... and bits of my spine when I fell on my ass."

Buffy traced the outline of a red mark on his cheek from the fight he'd been in. "Looks like you ran face-first into someone's fist a few times since I saw you last, too."

"Yeah... I had a disagreement with a few large demons. I find that getting into a brawl helps when I've got inner turmoil and problems to suss out."

"I have to admit, dusting those vamps while I was waiting for you made me feel a little better too. See? We have stuff in common." Buffy grinned and wriggled against him, pressing his back against the wall. 

Spike held her in his arms, moving his hands slowly over her back and hardly believing he could be lucky enough to catch Buffy's fancy without the aid of magick. "You really think two crazy, unlucky in love sods like us can make a go of it?"

"Let's be real: We're both going to do stupid and/or thoughtless things in the future. We just have to have faith in each other and try not to get bitchy."

"Sounds like a challenge." Spike smirked and held her tighter. "I like a challenge."

"So do I. That's another thing we have in common."

They smiled and kissed softly.

"I don't wanna hear any more of that 'I'm not worthy' crap from you, or that I deserve better than you. Got it?" Buffy said with a light tone, but clearly meaning it. 

Spike shook his head. "No more of that bollocks, I promise. I know I can make you happy, pet." He was through being worried and beating himself up over things he couldn't change. Buffy wanted him and Spike knew that, with her love, he was strong enough to fight his demon and be the man she deserved.

"And I don't want to hear any more of that 'there's something wrong with me -- I'm unlovable' bollocks from you, either," Spike challenged and Buffy nodded slowly, a small smile gracing her lips.

"So, no more broody Spike then?" she teased.

He narrowed his eyes, but was still smiling. "Told you, 'm not _broody_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all you awesome reviewers out there! You guys keep me motivated :) *smooochies*


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for some fluffy Spuffy? Buffy and Spike go on their first date.
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly. Special thanks to xoChantelly for making another banner with an un-bloodied Spike and Buffy :D
> 
> Thanks to my beta Passion4Spike for being made of awesome :)

 

The next day, Buffy went to the Magic Box to see her friends. She asked Spike to let her tell the others about them being an official couple without him there. Spike had a bad temper, to put it mildly, Buffy knew someone would say something to set him off; it was probably going to be tough enough to control _her own_ temper, she didn't need to worry about Spike's too. Plus, she didn't want him getting another attack of the 'I'm not worthy's by having to hear her friends say negative things about Buffy getting involved with him.

Spike had wanted to go to the Magic Box with her (mostly just to see the looks on her friends' faces and gloat a bit), but he understood her wanting to 'break the news' to them by herself. So he waited at the crypt for Buffy to come to him and tell him how it went. He was nervous; he knew how much her friends meant to her. What if they could talk her out of being with him? But Spike vowed to not get bogged down in self-doubt and insecurity again. He believed Buffy cared for him and she wouldn't let her friends sway her. Still... the sitting around and waiting to hear how it went was difficult to say the least: waiting was another of Spike's under-used talents.

He tried occupying his mind by making final plans for the big date tomorrow night; he'd taken care of a lot of the details the night before, after Buffy left for home. He'd run around late night Sunnydale like a chicken with its head cut off trying to make the necessary arrangements. Spike didn't think two days was nearly enough time to plan the perfect, romantic date with Buffy, but he also didn't want to wait any longer than that to start the new phase of their relationship.

* * *

An hour into her visit to the shop, Buffy was surprised that none of her friends brought up the way she'd left the house in a rush the night before and they hadn't asked what she found when she got to Spike's place; she thought they would've had some follow-up questions which would give her the perfect opening to tell them about her and Spike. But then she realized that they were _purposely_ not bringing any of that stuff up -- they had worried looks on their faces when they thought she wasn't looking at them. 

Buffy answered questions they had about her kidnapping, leaving out bits her friends didn't need to know. 

"Spike really came through for you," Tara observed, earning a frosty look from both Xander and Giles.

Buffy grinned. "Yeah, he did. I was blown away that he would do what he did for me, especially considering the way I've treated him."

"You treated him _a lot_ better than he deserved," Xander grumbled, repeating his thoughts on the matter that he'd previously shared with Willow and Anya. "He did one good thing, _one_ ," Xander held up a finger to emphasize his point, "the whole time we've known him. I don't have enough fingers to count the number of _bad_ things he's done." 

"Well, the one was a _big_ thing," Buffy pointed out. "Saving my life was pretty big, don't you think?"

"It's just a matter of time before Spike does something nasty and evil again. The chip doesn't change the fact that he's a soulless monster. I still would've dusted him after the chipping if I'd had anything to say about it." 

"And I'd be dead right now if you had," Buffy stated matter-of-factly, leveling a gaze at him. She knew Xander would be the hardest to convince -- he'd never accepted Angel, even with a soul.

Her assertion that she'd be dead right now if not for Spike, and her cold stare made Xander look down guiltily. 

"I want all of you to be nice to Spike from now on," Buffy said, looking to each of them. Anya, Willow and Tara nodded slowly, looking more surprised to hear Buffy saying it rather than upset. But Giles and Xander couldn't hide their discontent. "You have a problem with that, Xander?"

He grimaced. "It's just... being nice to Spike? I don't know if I'm physically capable of that."

"Call me crazy, but I'm grateful when someone saves my life. And me being one of your bestest friends in the whole wide world, I'd think you'd be a little grateful to Spike for helping me, too."

"I am, I'm downright ecstatic that you're okay, Buff. And I really am grateful that Spike helped you. I'm just cautious when it comes to that guy, and with damn good reason. Spike is always looking to get over on us -- on _you_ , especially. How do you know it wasn't some kind of act to make you feel _grateful_ to him?"

Buffy didn't like what Xander was implying, and she didn't believe it, either. She shook her head. "It wasn't an act, I know it wasn't. Everything Spike's said and done after Dru chained me up has shown me he deserves a chance at redemption. And you still owe him one for not believing him when he was telling the truth about helping me escape Dru's evil clutches."

Xander sighed. "Yeah, I know... Okay, I'll try to be _nice_. But Spike makes it really hard to be nice to him... he always says something to piss me off."

"I know he can be... hard to get along with, but all I'm asking is that you try. You tend to push his buttons a lot too, y'know; I want a lot less button pushing in the future. By the way, none of you _asked_ , but Spike was fine when I went to see how he was last night. And the chip _does_ work, so you don't have to worry about that."

"That's... good," Willow said carefully.

"I _wanted_ to ask why you acted the way you did last night, but they said I shouldn't," Anya said resentfully, shooting Giles and Xander a look. Giles and Xander tried looking innocent. "It seemed like what you feel for Spike is a lot more than simple gratitude and acceptance. You seemed panicked, like it was someone you had feelings for that might be hurt, dead, or left town."

Buffy took a breath, preparing for their reactions to the next thing she was going to say. "Funny you should mention that, Anya... because I _do_ have feelings for him. In fact... Spike and I are going to start dating."

The Scoobies just stared at her for several moments. This is what they'd been afraid of and had discussed before Buffy came to the shop today. Her reaction the previous night to the suggestion that Spike might have dusted himself or left Sunnydale had concerned them -- it looked an awful lot like Buffy was in love (or at least deeply in _like_ ) with Spike. And now Buffy was confirming those fears.

Buffy closed her eyes, put a hand to her forehead and massaged. "Stunned silence... yep, that's pretty much the reaction I expected. Well, I expected stunned silence followed by anger and shouting. Nobody has anything to say, huh? Nobody wants to yell at me? C'mon, you know ya want to."

"You're... serious?" Xander asked, finally finding his voice.

She chuckled. "It's not April Fool's Day, so yeah, I'm serious. I've got squishy feelings for Spike, and he's not shy about telling me how he feels about me, so... we're together now."

Xander swallowed and blinked, the gears in his mind were spinning as he tried to think of a way to talk her out of dating Spike. "Buffy... did some of Drusilla's crazy cooties jump onto you? No offense."

"Gee, why would I take offense to that?" Buffy said rolling her eyes and folding her arms across her chest. 

Xander shook his head. "Spike? Dating? Dating Spike? What are...? How can...?"

Buffy attempted to be a little sympathetic to their points of view. "I know this is going to be weird for all of you, but Spike and I went through a lot together, I think of him so differently now. He can be one of the good guys, I know in my heart he can. If we encourage him and make him a part of the team, he can do great things. And he'll prove me right if all of you just give him a chance."

"That's... fine," Giles said cautiously. "But we can encourage Spike and try to include him... without you dating him."

"I'm sorry, Giles... I know you don't like it, but Spike's my boyfriend now. I have a really good feeling about the two of us -- don't ask me why, I just do. We're going out on our first date tomorrow night."

Anya said, "I like Spike, but you're taking a big risk, Buffy."

Buffy nodded. "I know, believe me, I know."

Anya continued, "You've had bad luck with men, and the one vampire you were with turned --"

"I _said_ I know," Buffy talked over her. "Nobody knows how horrible my luck with men has been better than I do. I've thought about this and being with Spike is what I want. You can't talk me out of it, so please don't even try. All you'll do is piss me off."

"Your relationship with Angel was unorthodox, but Spike... he doesn't even have a soul, Buffy!" Giles pointed out in frustration. 

"There are humans, with souls and everything, who wouldn't do what he did for me. Spike was ready to give everything up, including his own life, to save me. I don't know what it is -- a soul or a demony version of one -- but Spike has _something_ that makes him special."

"You know what this is, don't you?" Xander asked seriously.

"No, please tell me. I'm all a' twitter with anticipation," Buffy said in a monotone.

"You're hurting and on the rebound from Riley. You made a bad dating decision because you want it to stop hurting... and Spike _says_ that he loves you, so you're latching onto him. We understand that, Buffy, and we're here for you; you can talk to us."

The others nodded, showing they thought the same thing.

Buffy groaned at Xander playing therapist. "You guys must've talked a lot about the possibility of me dating Spike... interesting theory you have there, _Doctor_ Harris. There's no need for an intervention, it has nothing to do with Riley and I'm not on the rebound. If anything, what happened with Riley just made it more terrifying for me to open my heart to anyone again."

"That doesn't make sense," Xander said. "You were afraid to start another relationship... and you chose to get into one with _Spike_ \-- the absolute _worst_ person on the face of the earth you could get involved with?"

"I can't explain to you any better than I already have why I feel the way I do about Spike; I don't think anything I could say would change your opinions, anyway. I care about him a lot, I believe in him, and I hope you guys can learn to deal with it."

"God, you're talking like you're a teenage girl with her first crush..." Xander whined. "Hearing you talk like that about Spike makes my skin crawl. Were you taken over by a pod person? Are you Pod Buffy?"

"And on that note..." Buffy sighed, standing up. She stopped and looked at each of her friends. "I love all of you, you know that. But I care about Spike too. So please... please try to accept and respect my decision and trust me. I'm living for myself and doing what I think will make me happy -- when I'm not saving everyone else's asses and saving the world in general. I think I'm due a little happiness, don't you?" 

No one answered her question. It saddened Buffy to see the unhappy looks on their faces, but her relationship with Spike wasn't up for debate -- she'd made up her mind and nothing they could say or do would change it. She had thought at least Willow would've been supportive, because Willow had been the one person who was encouraging to Buffy when she was with Angel. Tara looked more sympathetic than the rest of them. Buffy gave Tara a small, sad smile, then turned and left the shop.

"What do we do? We can't let her make another _huge_ mistake," Xander said once the door closed behind Buffy.

"What _can_ we do?" Giles sighed, taking off his glasses and polishing them. "Buffy's made up her mind, and only Spike proving that he can't be trusted will make her see the truth."

"And then it will be too late... I don't want Buffy getting hurt again." Xander sighed. "Maybe this is some kind of spell Spike cast on her? Or he had her drink a love potion? I bet it was a love potion!"

"If it was a spell or a love potion, he didn't buy the ingredients from me or Giles," Anya said, frowning. "If Spike was going to do something sneaky and devious, he could've at least spent his money here. I bet he went to our arch-nemesis -- that damn 'Abracadabra' shop two blocks over! Those bastards are always taking our business!" 

Willow glanced at Tara who was looking down and shaking her head slightly. She could tell Tara thought they were wrong to be so judgmental and quick to condemn Buffy's decision. But Tara didn't understand, Willow reasoned. Though she'd heard about it, Tara wasn't around to experience the fallout from Angelus; she didn't know firsthand how horrible it was for all of them when Buffy's boyfriend went all evil and murderous. And Tara wasn't around when it was Spike and Dru terrorizing them; Tara hadn't seen Spike at his worst. But Tara was a kindhearted soul who believed in giving people second chances, that was just one of the many things Willow loved about her.

Willow would still be worried about Spike being so close to Buffy, and she'd keep a watchful eye on the Bleached Wonder, but maybe he did deserve a chance to prove them wrong. She knew he couldn't physically hurt Buffy, not with the chip -- but if Buffy fell in love with him and he broke her heart, that would be even worse. Too bad Buffy's super Slayer healing didn't extend to broken hearts. Willow just hoped that Buffy knew what she was doing this time.

Willow cleared her throat. "Let's... calm down, guys. Buffy's convinced that Spike can be good if he's given a chance, so... there's nothing we can do but wait and see what happens. Who knows... Spike might surprise us."

Tara smiled softly at Willow and reached over to hold her hand under the table.

Anya shrugged and recounted the money from the register. "You're right, maybe Spike can do it. Even though no other vampire in history has ever 'gone legit' without the benefit of a soul."

* * *

Spike stood up and looked anxiously at Buffy when she entered the upper level of the crypt.

"How'd it go, luv?" He could tell by the look on her face the answer wasn't 'good', but he still had to ask.

Buffy heaved a sigh. "They didn't tie me to a chair and try to deprogram me, so I guess it wasn't as bad as it could've been. I'm a glass half full kinda gal."

Spike gave her a sympathetic smile. "That good, eh?"

Buffy looked mopey, so Spike went to her and put his arms around her. Buffy wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his chest. He kissed the top of her head and put his cheek against her forehead.

"They weren't able to change your mind about wanting to be with me, were they?" Spike asked as he rubbed her back.

"I'm here and in your arms right now, ain't I?" she asked, giving his middle a hard squeeze.

Spike smirked. "That, you are, luv. I knew they'd try to change your mind, though."

"I told you I don't care what anyone else says, that includes my friends. I had to tell them, and I did -- end of story."

"But I know how important they are to you... they're your family just as sure as Joyce and the Nibblet are."

"You've recently become very important to me too, and I'm not giving you up." 

Spike held her tighter for a moment and smiled. "I love when you say things like that. Want to tell me what they said?"

Buffy broke away from the embrace and began pacing. Spike was usually the one doing the pacing, but now it was him standing still and watching her going back and forth in front of him. He could understand how his pacing might make an observer dizzy.

Buffy growled, thinking about the conversation at the shop. "I got no support -- none! I didn't think they'd be throwing a tickertape parade with seventy-six trombones and hoisting us up on their shoulders, but I thought at least Willow might stick up for me. I was super supportive of her when she told us she was dating Tara -- and what about Oz? He was a werewolf -- and in a rock band! I never made her feel like I was judgey about her choices. Willow barely said a word the whole time..." Buffy pouted more and more as she paced.

"Willow nodded along with the rest of them when Xander said I was just on the rebound from Riley -- and that is so _not_ true! I can see how they might think that... but I know what's going on in my own head better than they do. I don't like being treated like I'm a stupid little girl who doesn't know her own mind and what's best for herself."

Spike stepped in front of her and held his arms out. Buffy didn't need a formal invitation, she gladly accepted another hug. 

Spike was angry with her friends, but he tried focusing on being calm and positive for Buffy for now. "I'm sure they'll come around in time... or at least a few of them will. Probably just caught them off-guard, is all. They'll get over the shock and be alright."

"I hope so... Could you do me a favor?"

Spike pulled back to look into her eyes. "Anything."

"Could you not... start arguments with them about this?"

Spike looked up at the ceiling and took a breath. He'd just been thinking how he couldn't wait to get in the Scoobies' faces for upsetting her. "I'm not s'posed to say _anything_ to them? That's gonna be one big, fat bloody elephant in the room, luv."

"I just don't want you _starting_ any fights. I want them to accept that you're in my life, but I'll settle for no arguing for now."

"What if they start somethin' with me? You want me to turn the other cheek? I'm not exactly known for my Christ-like qualities..."

Buffy sighed and hugged him again, taking comfort in his arms. "I wouldn't want you to just take being insulted or talked about like a dog, and I wouldn't want you to take that kind of shit without giving as good as you get. I don't know what the hell I want... I'm confused."

"But not about me, right?" Spike asked, tipping her face up to look at him and smiling.

She smiled and kissed his lips. "No, I'm not confused about you. I just want to make everything right with everyone and I don't know how to do it. I want everyone to be happy -- including me, for once."

Spike was about to say that it might not be possible to make everything with everyone right, not as long as she was dating him. But he swallowed that remark, not wanting to upset her any more. "It'll work out, pet. If I can't shout at them and make them quake with fear, I'll go on a mission to make them adore me." He grinned.

Buffy giggled. "Yeah, but I'm sure you'd prefer to have them fear you."

"That was the old Spike -- the _new_ Spike only wants them to be afraid of how much they love me," Spike joked. 

Buffy giggled again, then sighed and rested against his body. "Thanks for making me laugh, I needed a good laugh."

"Anytime, pet." Spike wanted to say how much he hoped _she_ would love him in the future, but he bit his tongue again. He didn't want to pressure Buffy in any way -- he would _not_ screw this up. He was already getting better at censoring what he said. "What're your plans for the rest of the day?" he asked, switching to a new subject.

"No solid plans, just biding time until sunset. You want to patrol with me tonight?"

"I'd love to... but I still have errands to run before tomorrow night."

Buffy smiled. "Ooh, did you think of a cool place for us to go?"

Spike smirked. "Yes, but I ain't tellin' ya, it's a surprise. I'm planning a mystery date for you."

She bounced on the balls of her feet like an impatient child. "Aww, why can't you tell me? Don't you want to make sure I'll like what you have planned?" Buffy had no idea what Spike would consider a good date, and she had no idea how he planned on paying for anything since he was always broke. It was going to be an interesting evening.

"I only get one first date with Buffy Summers, I'm goin' all out. I've got a hunch you'll enjoy yourself."

"Oh, you don't have to do anything special," Buffy said, batting her eyes. 

"Too late, I've already got the wheels in motion. I just need to take care of a few more details to make it the best date you've ever had."

"I can't wait," Buffy said, kissing him tenderly.

"The only snag so far is my car bein' trashed."

Buffy had forgotten that the DeSoto was vandalized. "Oh right... your poor car, we left it for dead in the driveway. You think it's still at the mansion?"

Spike shook his head. "Me an' Clem hired a tow truck and hauled it to the garage next to the junkyard. Clem's cousin-in-law owns the place, said I could keep and work on the car there until I get it roadworthy again. You know the garage?"

"Nope, I didn't know there was a garage near the junkyard. But the image of you working on the car... all streaked with oil and sweaty, is kinda hot." It was more than 'kinda' hot -- it was _very_ hot. "Who's Clem?"

"I haven't mentioned him before?" 

"Not that I can remember, no." 

"He's my one good friend in this bloody town. Clem's a good bloke -- a demon, but still good."

"I hope he is a _good_ bloke... I wouldn't want to have to slay your only friend if he causes trouble."

"Nah, he'll never be on your hit list," Spike said confidently. "Clem's a pussy."

Buffy laughed. "Nice way to talk about your friend! But I guess calling your friends names is a 'guy thing', huh? I'll never understand why you men behave the way you do."

Spike snorted. "I meant he's a pussy _cat_ \-- in England we usually just say 'pussy'."

"Well, don't say that around Clem unless he's a British demon. Back to the issue of the car... since yours isn't available for tomorrow night, I could borrow my mom's car and pick you up?"

Spike was shaking his head no before she finished the sentence. "Uh-uh, no bloody way. The man picks his lady up, not the other way around."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "I didn't think you'd be so old-fashioned about that kind of stuff."

"Well, I am. My notions about romance and how to woo a lady are carved in stone, not easy for me to shake 'em at this point in my life."

"Woo," Buffy giggled at his use of that old word. "I don't think I've ever been 'wooed' before."

"If you'd been wooed before, you'd know it," Spike said with a smirk.

"Alright, fine, I'll leave the driving to you. But you don't have a car, so what are you going to pick me up in?" She gave him a warning look. "And I don't want you stealing another car."

"Yeah, I reckoned goin' on a crime spree before picking you up would be just the thing to start the night off right. We could get chased by the police down the freeway, wreck the car, then give 'em a good ole foot chase... we'd be on TV! It'd be bloody brilliant!" Spike said sarcastically. 

Buffy gave him a look, he could practically hear her thinking, _'Sarcastic much?'_

Changing to a serious tone, Spike said, "Buffy, I'm not gonna steal anything, alright? I want you to have a grand time, and that means not having you wonderin' where everything came from or if I stole the money to pay for it. I promise you, pet, everything associated with tomorrow night will be completely above board."

Her un-amused look melted into a smile. It made her feel so good to know Spike was taking that kind of thing into consideration. "That's so thoughtful of you, I appreciate it." She just had to put her arms around him and kiss him again. He really was trying to change his ways.

After she broke for air, Buffy asked, "But _how_ can you pay for anything? You don't have a job or any way of making money."

"You let me worry 'bout that," he replied enigmatically, kissing the tip of her nose. "But I will tell you this: wear somethin' fancy."

Her eyebrows went up. "Fancy?" 

"Mmhmm, wear your best dress; I'm takin' you someplace real nice. I can't wait to see you dressed to kill -- figuratively speakin', of course." 

"That sounds great, but seriously, Spike, I understand if you want to do something that costs little or no money. We can go to a movie or get cheeseburgers, it doesn't matter. Us spending time together and getting to know each other is the important thing. I don't want you going to too much trouble or going into debt just for me, okay?"

" _Just_ for you? Buffy... I'd give you the world if it were mine to give." Spike cupped her cheek with his palm, looking at her with so much love in his eyes... he was making Buffy swoony again. "You deserve nothing but the very best, and I aim to give it to you."

"Keep saying things like that," Buffy said with a shy smile, "I like it."

Spike pulled her to him for a thorough snog.

* * *

_The day of the big date..._

Dawn was sitting on Buffy's bed, just hanging out.

"I have nothing to wear!" Buffy whined as she went through her closet again, tossing another dress she deemed unsuitable out and onto the large pile on the floor to join the others. "Why didn't I buy a new dress? Oh, that's right -- because I have no damn money. The stupid Watchers' Council should've been sending me a big-fat paycheck every week -- they owe me years of back pay! I'll fly to England and take it out of Quentin Travers' hide if I have to!" 

"Chill, Buffy. You've got some cool clothes," Dawn said. 

"Spike said to wear something _fancy_ , he wants to see me 'dressed to kill'. I don't have anything fancy."

"Sure you do." Dawn got off the bed and went to the pile of dresses on the floor. "What about this slinky, red dress?" She picked up a red dress she'd always wanted to steal -- or rather, _borrow_ \-- from Buffy.

Buffy scrunched up her nose. "No, I kept worrying one of my boobs was gonna pop out when I wore it last time."

"Spike wouldn't mind if that happened," Dawn giggled.

Buffy was sure that was true, but still... "Keep looking." 

Dawn went over to Buffy's closet and dug around, finally bringing out a sequined, short dress. "How about this?"

"That's an old figure skating costume I only kept for sentimental reasons. And it doesn't exactly scream 'fancy'."

"Well, it's sparkly. I read that it's good to wear something shiny on a date, it keeps your guy's eyes riveted to you."

"Have you been reading Mom's Cosmo again? Try finding an outfit that won't show the marks on my body. I still haven't healed from Dru carving me up like a turkey."

"You're almost all healed, the marks are barely noticeable." The quick healing ability was another thing Dawn envied about her sister; it really was hard to tell anything had been done to Buffy mere days ago.

"But they _are_ noticeable, Spike will notice for sure. I don't think he'll find healing wounds attractive."

"This is _Spike_ we're talking about, Buffy. He's not put off by cuts and scrapes, he'll think they're hot."

"You think so?" Buffy asked skeptically, looking down at her marred skin.

Dawn nodded. "He likes that you're tough -- the fact that you made it through what Dru did to you, and that you're okay now, will remind him of your toughness. Wear your battle wounds with pride. And he likes your confidence and grace. You'll look gorgeous, and you'll be sexier 'cause you'll be all confident and not caring that you have a few barely noticeable marks on you."

Buffy smiled, thinking her sister really was a smart kid. Dawn was most likely 100% right: Spike would find battle wounds sexy. After all, he'd been eager to kiss and lick her when she still looked like hell right after they sent Dru packing. Buffy had to remind herself who it was she was going out with, Spike wasn't like any other man she'd dated -- what might have turned off another guy would probably be like catnip, or vampire-nip, to Spike.

"You're full of good advicey-ness today," Buffy remarked.

"You forget that I spent more time actually _talking_ to Spike than anyone else. I've thought about what he'd like and wouldn't like; I've felt him up. Out! I've felt him _out_..."

Buffy couldn't help but burst out laughing at the Freudian slip, at least she _hoped_ that's what it was, which made Dawn laugh nervously. 

"Um," Dawn continued, her face hot from blushing, "my point is that I know what I'm talking about when it comes to Spike's likes and dislikes 'cause I've listened to him and paid attention." 

"That's true," Buffy acknowledged with a sigh, wiping a tear of laughter from her eye. "You're the only one who treated Spike like a person..." Buffy remembered how bringing up Dawn's name to Spike, while he'd been under Dru's hypnotic influence, had made him pause and seemed to get through to him for a moment; Dawn's friendship obviously meant a lot to Spike. And Spike obviously meant a lot to Dawn too... Buffy hoped this wasn't too painful for Dawn's teenage heart to take. 

Dawn rummaged around in the closet some more, trying to move past her slip of the tongue a minute ago. "Ooh, where'd you get this one?" She pulled out a black cocktail dress. "This is beautiful!" Dawn exclaimed, holding it up to her own body. "You have to let me borrow this sometime. I don't know where I'd wear it, but I'd think of something."

Buffy couldn't remember where she'd gotten that dress for a second. "Oh... that's the dress Dad bought me almost a year ago. Remember when he said he'd have us up to his house in L.A. and take us to that ritzy _gala_ at his country club?"

Dawn groaned. "Oh, right... he sent us pretty dresses and got us all excited about it, then canceled -- like always -- at the last minute. I still got the dress he bought for me too. I've probably outgrown it already."

"I can't wear this dress," Buffy sighed, fingering the material, "there's too much negative stuff associated with it."

"You should wear it, Buffy. You never got a chance to wear it even once, you'd look beautiful in it, and you could make good memories with Spike while wearing it. You can't go wrong with a little black dress. And it's a Halston, Buffy..." Dawn looked at her seriously. "It'd be a crime to let a dress like this sit in the back of your closet -- I'll call the fashion police on you. Or you could give it to me...?"

Buffy smiled and took the dress from Dawn, turning and holding it up in front of herself as she looked in the mirror. It really was a great dress, a jersey-knit with a modest neckline, shiny studs dotted over it (reminding Buffy of stars in the night sky), the skirt ended with a jagged handkerchief hem at the knee, making it more daring. She loved it and she thought Spike would love seeing her in it. It would be silly to never wear such a fabulous dress just because her dad was an ass.

"Maybe you're right. You stun me when you say smart things like that. Teaching you to talk is finally paying off." 

"It's about time you and Mom realized I'm smart." Dawn playfully flicked Buffy on the arm. Then she got back down to business. "Okay, all you need now are black pantyhose and black pumps, a matching clutch, and maybe Mom will let you borrow her cool Pashmina."

"I like the sparkly studs on the dress, but shouldn't I wear something more colorful? I was telling Spike he needs more color and variety in his wardrobe."

"Black is elegant," Dawn assured her. "And Spike likes the color black. But, you know you could show up in dingy grey sweats and Spike would still be ooh'ing and aah'ing at how beautiful you look."

"Are you sure you're okay helping me get ready for my date with Spike?" Buffy asked, concerned. She knew this must be hard for Dawn.

Dawn took a breath and nodded. "Yeah, I'm okay with it. It's fun doing sister-y stuff like this with you. I still think Spike is awesome, but I'm moving on. There's this _really_ cute guy that sits next to me in art class, Sean, that I like. I still might strike out with him, but my chances are a lot better."

Buffy hugged her. "I wouldn't want you to help me with picking out the dress and everything if it would just make you miserable."

"I told you I'm having fun helping you," Dawn insisted. "I'll even help you do your hair. I think you should wear it up, like in a French twist," Dawn said, taking Buffy's hair and holding it up. "That would look so cool."

"Anything I should know about this _Sean_ who sits next to you in art class?" Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow. "He's not a vampire, werewolf, or other miscellaneous supernatural being, is he?"

"Nope. He's just an average, human guy. A really cute one, though. I'll go ask Mom about the Pashmina." Dawn raced out of the room.

Buffy was happy that Dawn seemed alright with everything. She hadn't expected her sister to act so maturely. Buffy didn't know if she would've been able to let go so easily if she were in Dawn's shoes.

* * *

Spike paused at the Summers' front door to gather his wits; he was so nervous -- he felt like a wet behind the ears schoolboy! Clem had tried calming his nerves, telling him he looked great and the evening he'd planned was sure to make Buffy's heart all a' flutter. Spike couldn't help but be anxious with what was riding on this date -- if Buffy didn't enjoy herself, she wouldn't be too keen on going out with him again -- this might be his one and only chance with her. This was his night to shine, and he'd better do a bloody good job of it. Though he was jittery on the inside, he would do his best to project an air of calm and be charming, no girl wanted to go on a date with a shaky, nervous git. 

Spike took a breath, put a suave smile on, and knocked on the door. 

He heard commotion inside and whispers, then the door opened.

Joyce smiled. "Hi, Spike."

"Hello, Joyce. Is Buffy ready?"

"She'll just be a few more minutes, you can come in and wait if you'd like." When Spike entered, Joyce got a good look at his outfit. 

He was wearing a navy blue suit with a light blue dress shirt, and a blue and purple striped tie. "You look... great." She was going to say gorgeous, but didn't think that would be appropriate. "I've never seen you so dressed up. You look very dashing in a suit."

Spike smiled shyly. "Thanks. You think Buffy will like it?"

"I think it's safe to say she will. Aw, and you brought flowers, too -- Buffy's favorite, purple orchids. That was so thoughtful of you." 

"Well, flowers are high on the date checklist. I want to do everything right." Spike checked (again) to make sure his suit jacket was buttoned and his tie was straight.

Joyce could tell he was nervous despite his effort not to show it. She touched his arm and smiled. "Don't put so much pressure on yourself, Spike. Buffy likes _you_ , she'll be happy just spending time with you."

"Yeah, Buffy said the same thing. But I want to treat her like a princess tonight, she deserves it." 

"Remember, everything doesn't have to be 'perfect' for a girl to have a good time. Sometimes it's the 'imperfect' things that we ladies remember most fondly. Just try to have fun, okay?"

Spike nodded and smiled. "Been a long time since I went on a first date. And this is the most important one of my life... but I'll try to relax a bit."

Spike looked upstairs and saw Buffy starting down. He stared without saying anything at first, awestruck by Buffy's beauty; his phantom heartbeat was racing again. He'd never seen her look so elegantly beautiful. The fact that she'd dressed up _just for him_ added to the awe he was feeling. 

Buffy had taken Dawn's advice about her hair, it was done up in a neat French twist. And she'd gotten her mother to lend her the burgundy-colored Pashmina to complete the ensemble. The black dress fit perfectly, like it was made for her. By the look on Spike's face, he definitely approved.

Buffy was similarly struck by the sight of Spike in the suit. He looked like he stepped right off the pages of GQ magazine. Spike in his street clothes was sexy as hell, but there was just something about a touch of refinement that made him even more gorgeous.

Buffy was afraid she'd fall down the stairs (wouldn't that be just her luck?), but she made it down to the bottom without incident. They smiled sappily at each other. 

"Buffy... you look fantastic. I've never seen anyone look quite so beautiful," Spike said, his eyes moving over her.

She blushed. "Thanks." Buffy's eyes moved up and down his body too. "You look amazing in a suit... and," her eyes widened and she reached out to finger the lapel, "holy crap -- that's Armani!"

Spike grinned. "You know your fashion."

"Where did you get an Armani suit?" Buffy asked, hoping that he hadn't dug up a grave and borrowed it from a well-dressed corpse. "They're like $1500 and up!"

"I know people. I called in a few favors to make tonight special."

"People owe you favors?"

"Not so much anymore -- and some weren't actually 'people', but yeah, they did."

"Favors for what?" Buffy pressed.

"Buffy," Joyce interrupted, "it's not good manners to give your date the third-degree. Spike didn't even give you the flowers yet."

"Sorry, Spike," Buffy apologized with a darker blush. "I was just curious, I wasn't accusing you of anything."

"It's okay, luv. I brought you some posies." Spike held out the orchids. 

Buffy hadn't noticed the flowers in his hand until her mother mentioned them, she'd been so dazzled by how he looked. She took them from him and sniffed their fragrance. "You brought flowers, and they're my favorites! Thank you, Spike, I love them."

"Dawn mentioned once that you liked purple orchids best, I made a note of it just in case."

"Why don't I put those in some water," Joyce offered, taking the flowers from Buffy. "You two go on and start your evening."

"Thanks, Mom. I'm not sure what this guy has planned," Buffy said, smirking at Spike. "So I don't know when I'll be home."

"I'll leave the porch light on for you, honey. Have fun!" Joyce didn't expect Buffy home until _very_ late. 

"Shall we?" Spike asked, extending his arm to Buffy.

"We shall." Buffy hooked her arm through his and they walked out of the house.

Dawn sighed and leaned against Buffy's bedroom door when Buffy and Spike left. She was trying to 'move on' like she'd told Buffy, but it still wasn't easy. Dawn had opted not to go downstairs while Spike was there. She'd peeked out the door when she heard him come in the house, and nearly melted into a puddle when she saw him all dressed up in a suit -- he looked soooo gorgeous! Dawn didn't trust herself to not stare at him and drool like an idiot, so she'd wisely stayed upstairs. 

Putting aside her lingering traces of jealousy, Dawn thought Buffy and Spike would make a good couple. She sincerely hoped the two of them really could be happy together. But if it didn't work out between them... it was only a few years until Dawn turned eighteen.

* * *

"So, did you resolve the no-car situation?" Buffy asked as they walked out onto the porch.

"'Course I did."

Buffy raised her eyebrows at not seeing anything parked in front of the house. "Is it invisible? Because I'm not seeing anything."

"Our transportation is on its way," Spike said, coaxing her to walk with him to the front curb.

As they got to the curb, Buffy heard the *clip clop* sound of a horse approaching. She turned her head to see an old-fashioned hansom cab coming toward them. She looked back at Spike who was smiling.

She laughed, delighted by his solution to the lack of a vehicle problem. "Wow, I did not expect this. There were no hansom cabs in Sunnydale the last time I checked. How did you arrange this?" 

"I have my ways. I hope you're not allergic to horses." 

When the cab got closer, Buffy saw that the driver was some kind of demon -- a pale, wrinkly-skinned demon with red eyes, floppy ears and wearing a top hat.

"That's Clem, the friend I told you about."

"He's got great timing."

"Not really. I told him to wait a few houses down the street while I went in and fetched you."

"Evenin' folks!" Clem greeted them, tipping his hat and then waving a clawed hand when he stopped the cab. 

"Hi, Clem." Buffy waved back. 

"It's nice to finally meet you, Buffy. Spike's told me a lot about you. You're even... prettier than Spike said!" Clem was just being polite, of course; Buffy was not what he considered an attractive female. Though, with some extra skin, more meat on her bones, and a little less hair, she could be a real looker.

"Thank you. It's nice to meet you too. And thanks for helping us car-less pedestrians out."

"Aw, no thanks are necessary. Spike's my pal, and friends help each other out when they're in a bind. It's my pleasure to do a favor for two crazy kids in love."

Spike cleared his throat. He'd told Clem about Buffy not being in love yet.

"Uh, I mean, two crazy kids... who dig each other," Clem amended. "Um, Spike told you I'm a _good_ demon, right?"

Buffy nodded. "He said you were a... cool guy." She thought of bringing up the 'pussy' misunderstanding, but she didn't want Clem to possibly get offended and drive off without them.

Spike smirked. "I told her you were a big pussy...cat."

"Spike," Buffy whispered, nudging him with her elbow. "Don't piss him off, be nice."

Clem laughed. "Don't worry about it, Buffy. If I was easily pissed off, could I be Spike's friend?"

She smiled. "Good point."

Spike sneered at Clem.

"And don't let Spike's rough exterior fool ya, he's a huge pussy...cat, too." Clem winked.

"You're bein' paid to drive, not chat," Spike said in mock annoyance.

"I'm not bein' paid at all -- I'm doing this out of the goodness of my hearts."

"Ah, right. Let's climb aboard, pet." Spike offered her a hand to help her step up into the carriage.

"What a pretty horse," Buffy said, moving to the front of the cab. A beautiful chestnut gelding with a white blaze on his nose was pulling the carriage.

Spike sighed silently. He was anxious to get their evening started. But if it made Buffy happy to pet the horse, then that was alright with him. Her being happy was the goal of the night.

"His name's Rusty." Clem smiled, showing his lower fangs. "You can pet him if you want to, he's friendly."

Buffy petted and stroked Rusty's neck, telling him what a beautiful boy he was.

"You like horses, eh?" Spike asked, already making a mental note to include a moonlit horseback ride in a future date... if he was lucky enough to get another one.

"I love horses. They're such majestic, graceful animals. It's an amazing feeling to have a powerful beast under you, responding to your commands."

Spike nearly bit his tongue hard enough to make it bleed to keep from making a lewd remark. Oh, it wasn't easy to keep his mouth shut, especially when sexual innuendo was involved.

"I haven't gone riding in years, though," Buffy lamented.

"I'll keep that in mind. We should get goin', pet. We've got reservations at eight o'clock."

Buffy noticed some of the neighbors curiously watching them. "Right, we don't want to be late." 

She gave Rusty a kiss on the nose, and then let Spike help her into the cab. They settled in and Rusty started for their destination.

"We'll be there in about fifteen minutes," Clem said over his shoulder. "Just relax and enjoy the ride."

"Will do, mate."

"Where do we have reservations? It's okay to tell me now, isn't it?" Buffy asked Spike.

"Chez Henri." Spike was expecting to see a pleased smile on Buffy's face, but she looked puzzled. He was worried now that'd he'd been so hush-hush about the evening -- what if Buffy hated French food? "Please tell me you like French cuisine..." 

"I like French food," Buffy assured him. "I've just never heard of that restaurant. Is it new?"

"It's been around for a few years. One of the swankiest places in town, it is. Great food, and a very elegant, intimate, _romantic_ atmosphere." Spike put an arm around her shoulders.

"I like the sounds of that." Buffy snuggled against his side. 

"You really do look sensational tonight, Buffy. My knees almost buckled when I saw you comin' down the stairs. I had to make an effort to keep from staring at you and babbling like a fool in front of your mum."

She giggled, proud that she'd been able to affect him that way. "I'd probably still be frantically tearing through my closet if it wasn't for Dawn. She was so sweet and helped me get ready. I wanted to look nice for our big date."

"You look a helluva lot better than _nice_. I knew you'd look beautiful, but..." he nuzzled her ear, "you look absolutely radiant... you're a goddess."

Buffy grinned and sighed as Spike softly kissed her ear, she was getting tingly again. "I was afraid I'd come rolling down the stairs like the boulder in 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'," she joked. "The sight of you looking so gorgeous in that suit almost made my knees turn to jelly, too."

Spike had to do a lot of bargaining and convincing to get the suit, he was pleased that Buffy approved of his attire. They rode in silence for a minute, just enjoying being close and the comfortably warm evening air. 

"This is so neat, I've never ridden in a carriage before," Buffy said.

"You like it, then?"

"Mmmhmm." She kissed him on the cheek. "I was wondering, isn't Clem worried about people... commenting on how he doesn't look human?"

"They tend to think his 'skin condition' is sorta one of those triumph over adversity stories," Spike explained. "When he got the permit for the hansom cab the officials were fallin' all over themselves saying what an inspiration he is to others."

"Clem actually went and got a license for the cab just for tonight? He's a great friend!"

"He is a great friend, but he didn't do it just as a favor to me. This is a new business venture he's just getting off the ground, he thought there might be a market for this sort of thing in SunnyD. Clem's a very enterprising young demon; he's got a few irons in the fire. Being our chauffeur for the evening is a favor, but he's also hoping other people will see us livin' the good life and want to try it out for themselves."

"That's pretty cool." Buffy was about to ask Spike why _he_ couldn't get a little ambitious like Clem, but she didn't want to criticize him at all tonight. It seemed that Spike had gone through a lot of trouble to make tonight special.

"Clem offered me a position in one of his businesses, I'm still mullin' it over," Spike said, knowing what she was thinking. "Having cash would be beneficial with us dating an' all, but I wouldn't want all my time taken up by workin', either." Spike wanted to be available at all times if Buffy needed him, but it was tempting to have a steady flow of money coming in.

"I have the same problem. I need money, but I don't want to be tied up working if something bad happens... What am I saying, _if_? _When_ something bad happens. And what kind of work could I possibly get, anyway? I'm only qualified for minimum wage crap jobs."

"Maybe Clem will have something for you too. You could be my secretary," Spike said, waggling his eyebrows.

"Maybe _you_ can be _my_ secretary," Buffy countered with a smile.

"Hmm, I do like a woman with power, it's dead-sexy. Either way, I hope there'll be some bum pinching and chasing around the desk."

"The business world isn't like a Playboy cartoon anymore, Spike. Buxom secretaries can now easily sue a guy's ass off for any sexual harassment. That being said, I'd enjoy chasing you around my big desk."

"You can pinch my bum anytime you want, Ms. Summers. I promise I won't sue. And, if you play your cards right, I _might_ even let you catch me."

Buffy giggled, put her hand on his thigh and gave it a flirty squeeze. She noticed passersby looking at them curiously, just as her neighbors had done. "Clem's plan to get people interested in his cab service seems to be working, everyone's looking at us."

"Good, let them look. I want people to see me with the most beautiful woman in the world," Spike said, raising her hand to his lips and giving her knuckles a gentle kiss.

Buffy batted her eyes and smiled. "You sure are pouring on the charm tonight... keep it up. This is a side of you I'd love to get to know better."

They were passing by a coffeehouse, The Java Cafe. A sign out front announced a poetry slam would be taking place there in two days.

"Oh, look, they're going to have poetry readings." Buffy pointed to the sign.

Spike smiled. "You like poetry?"

"Are you kidding? I love poetry -- that's my favorite class!" Buffy said with enthusiasm. "I had to drop a lot of classes... but that's one I'm not gonna give up." She regretted having to cut back so much on the courses she was taking at school (and that it'd been necessary to move back home), but she'd done it to help and be there for her mom and Dawn; her family was her #1 priority. 

"Would you want to go together?" he asked, excited at discovering something he didn't already know about Buffy, and that they had something else in common.

"You'd be interested in poetry readings?" Buffy asked doubtfully. "You don't want to go just so you can heckle and pelt the poets with rotten fruit and vegetables, do you?"

Spike chuckled. "I wouldn't dream of doin' that; I have a lotta respect for artists."

"I thought you'd hate that kind of thing."

"Au contraire. I love poetry, always have." Spike laughed at seeing her still looking at him with a skeptical smile. "It's true! I'm not just sayin' that to score points with you. I have books of poetry back at the crypt I can show you to prove I'm not lying."

'Okay, Poetry Boy, tell me who your favorite poet is and your favorite poem," Buffy challenged.

"I can't pick a favorite, there are too many brilliant poems and poets. Lord Byron's one of my favorites, another is Shakespeare, naturally. Sonnet XVIII makes me think of you..." Spike took her hand and gazed into her eyes, reciting with feeling:

"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?  
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:  
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,  
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:  
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,  
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;  
And every fair from fair sometime declines,  
By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed;  
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,  
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;  
Nor shall death brag thou wander'st in his shade,  
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:  
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,  
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee."

Buffy blinked, attempting to snap out of the trance she was drifting into from looking into Spike's blue eyes and listening to him recite those beautiful words with his deep, silky voice. "Okay... you weren't lying to score points, you really do like poetry. You, a member of the Dead Poet's Society... I'm trying to wrap my mind around the concept."

"Did you like it?" Spike asked. "Or was it just too strange comin' out of my mouth?"

Buffy blushed, and squeezed his hand. "I loved it. I could listen to your voice all night." It was almost dizzying how quickly and drastically her opinion of Spike had changed in such a short amount of time. It wasn't long ago that the sound of his voice did nothing but grate on her last nerve... Well, there were also some secret tingles every now and then when he'd sounded especially sexy saying something, but Buffy had squelched any squishy sentiments back then, and she'd chastised herself for thinking of Spike as 'sexy' for even a moment. But those days were over. "I also love finding out more about the 'softer side' of Spike."

"Poetry can be deceptively soft and saccharine, but it's really about _passion_ ; passion for a lover, or over an injustice, or whatever the subject happens to be. There's a fire burning in a poet's belly and he, or she, has to channel that passion through their pen."

"Have you written any of your own?" Buffy asked knowingly. The way he talked about it told her that he'd put pen to paper in the past. "Ooh, you could read one of yours at the coffeehouse!"

Spike balked at that, he wasn't nearly comfortable enough to share his 'work' with others, especially not with Buffy. If she laughed at him or thought he was no good... it would hurt far too much. He swallowed and looked down. "I... I've scribbled a few words over the years... but they're not very good, really."

Buffy could see him tense up at the suggestion. Poetry was usually very personal, and Spike wasn't one to advertise his softer side to others. Buffy felt bad for putting him on the spot like that, she didn't mean to make him feel nervous and self-conscious. She took his left hand in both of hers. "Well, maybe you can let me read some of your stuff someday. No pressure, I'd just love to read what you wrote. I'd let you read some of mine, too -- if you wanted."

He smiled up at her and gave her a little kiss. "I'll wait until this date is over before I officially ask you out for a second."

"Why? Is that some old-timey, traditional thing like 'the man picks the woman up'?"

"No, I just don't want to jinx _this_ date. And I want you to be absolutely sure you want to see me again when you say yes."

"I'm sure already," Buffy said with confidence. The suit, flowers, and horse drawn carriage had Buffy feeling optimistic about the rest of their evening. "But you can officially ask me again when we're saying goodnight. That will be a good thing to end the evening with."

Spike leaned in and kissed her again.

* * *

A few minutes later, Clem pulled back on the reins and announced, "Here we are, kids."

Buffy looked around as Spike hopped down from the carriage. "There's no French restaurant around here."

Spike went to Buffy's side of the cab and helped her step down. "It's right through this alley," he said, jerking his thumb towards an alleyway near them.

"The fancy restaurant is through a dark, dirty alley?" Buffy wondered what Spike considered 'fancy'. The place might turn out to be a dive... but she didn't want to hurt Spike's feelings. She was already planning what nice things she could say and how she would feign delight with the restaurant he'd chosen. She just hoped the food was halfway edible and she didn't get ptomaine poisoning.

"I'm tellin' you, it's there," Spike maintained. 

"I'll be back here in about two hours, you should be all fed and happy by then," Clem said to Spike. 

"Thanks, mate. You're a lifesaver."

"Yeah, and I'm also a big pussycat. Oh, and, Spike?"

"Yeah?"

"I _knew_ you wanted her to be your girlfriend," Clem said, brimming with self-satisfaction. "Did I call that or what?"

Spike gave him a look and flipped him a backwards peace sign.

"Have fun, you two!" Clem tipped his hat, then spurred Rusty into action again.

They waved as Clem drove away. Then Buffy took Spike's arm and they started down the alleyway.

After a minute, Buffy asked, "Are you _sure_ the restaurant is here? Maybe it's through a _different_ dark, dirty alley." She suddenly wished she'd tucked a stake... somewhere.

"Just a bit further this way, luv. Ah, here we are!" Spike waved a hand at a sign that said 'Chez Henri'. 

He opened the door for Buffy, letting her see into the establishment. The aroma of yummy food, and the sounds of violin music wafted out the door.

"Well... I'll be damned. It _is_ a fancy French restaurant!" Buffy walked inside and checked the place out. 

It was just as Spike said, elegant, with a romantic, intimate atmosphere. There were several other couples dining and chatting by candlelight, apparently a lot of other people were in on the secret restaurant.

"I had no idea this even existed." 

"It's a well-kept secret." Spike put a hand on her back, moving to the entrance to the dining room.

"Apparently," she agreed, wondering how a secret restaurant stayed in business.

The Maitre d', a short man with dark, slicked back hair and wearing an expensive gray suit, looked up from his podium and smiled. "Ah, Monsieur Spike! How good to see you again."

"'Ello, Marcel. Is our table ready?" 

"Bien sur." He looked at Buffy, grinning brightly. "You've brought such a lovely dining companion with you this evening."

"This is Buffy... my lady." Spike smiled, and glanced shyly at Buffy. Buffy smiled back at him, not objecting to being called his 'lady'. "It's her first time here."

"Mademoiselle Buffy, we'll make certain you have a delightful experience."

"I can't wait to try the food, it smells wonderful in here."

"Allow me to show you to your table." Marcel took two menus and led the way to a cozy table near the large stone fireplace.

Spike pulled Buffy's chair out for her. But Buffy hadn't expected him to do that and sat down in the opposite chair.

"Over here, luv."

"Hmm?" She looked up at him. 

Spike raised an eyebrow and pulled the chair out further.

It took her a moment to realize what Spike was doing. "Oh! Sorry." Buffy stood back up and moved swiftly around the table. Then she sat down slowly. "Thank you, kind sir," she said, grinning. Buffy believed strongly in female empowerment and independence, but it was still nice to be treated like a _lady_ sometimes. "I could get used to the gentlemanly treatment."

"I'll see to it that you do," Spike replied, resting his hands on her shoulders for a moment before going to his own seat. "It's a shame ladies don't expect a man to do courtly things like that anymore. You _do_ like that sort of treatment, right? I know some women these days find those gestures chauvinistic."

Buffy shook her head. "I think it's refreshingly romantic for a man to do things like pulling out chairs for his date."

Marcel handed them their menus. “I highly recommend the pheasant au vin, it's one of the chef's most famous creations.” 

"Thanks for lookin' after us, Marcel." Spike slipped him a $20 bill.

"Monsieur Spike, you know your money is no good here."

"No, it's real this time. It's not the stuff I print up in my basement," Spike joked with a smirk.

"Such a sense of humor!" Marcel laughed.

Buffy smiled. It was nice to see Spike interacting with other people like this. He could be so polite and charming when he chose to be.

“I’ll send a server over shortly to take your order. Bon appétit!” Marcel hurried off to attend to his duties.

"Okay, what's the story?" Buffy leaned forward and asked quietly.

Spike looked at her, arching an eyebrow. "Story?"

“Why was he so nice to you?”

"He's a Maitre d', pet. Kissing ass is part of the job."

"But why was he kissing _your_ ass and talking like you're old friends? I don't have to tell you that you... usually rub people the wrong way."

"I helped the restaurant out once or twice when they had demons grubbing about out back at night."

"Um... you're not known for being a Good Samaritan..."

Spike chuckled. "True, I didn’t help people just for the sake of helping them, there had to be somethin’ in it for me. I told them they owed me for my good deeds. I’ve had a few decadent meals here in exchange for my help, and I thought this would be the perfect place to take you tonight."

“Does that mean we’re eating for free?”

Spike nodded. 

“And I can order anything I want?” Buffy had intended on keeping her meal as cheap as possible so it wouldn’t put too heavy a strain on Spike’s wallet. 

He smirked. “Go wild, pet. Order the most expensive things on the menu, it's on the house.”

She grinned and looked back at her menu with new eyes, seeking out the most expensive dishes instead of skimming over them.

"Just so you know..." Spike said, looking at her seriously, "I pledge to do more Good Samaritan type things without asking for anything in return. I'm serious about changing my ways."

"Let's not be too hasty..." Buffy liked the idea of rewards -- not getting _any_ kind of compensation for saving the world sucked. She was about to have a fabulous gourmet meal -- for free! -- thanks to Spike's wheeling and dealing and good deeds. "If someone _offers_ some kind of reward for a good deed, it'd be rude to turn it down. I can't take anything in exchange for my help because of the whole 'sacred calling' thing, but _you_ can. Just as long as you don't tell the people in trouble you won't save them _unless_ they give you stuff."

Spike breathed out and smiled. "That's a relief -- woulda been really hard to give up the perks. That's a good loophole in your not taking rewards vow. I won't strong-arm anyone who needs help, 'course, but I can strongly hint that a reward would be... nice. Good thinking."

Buffy tapped her forehead. "I'm smart."

"That you are, luv."

A waitress with short, blonde hair approached their table. "Bonsoir! Have you decided?" the waitress asked with a French accent.

Spike looked up from his menu, seeing an opportunity to (hopefully) dazzle Buffy. "Pas tout à fait encore. Nous aurons besoin un peu de plus de temps, merci."

{Not quite yet. We'll need a bit more time, thanks.}

Buffy raised her eyebrows; she didn't know Spike could speak French, and so well, too -- at least she assumed he was speaking it well. What he said could've been gibberish, but he sounded damn good saying it. 

The waitress smiled more widely at Spike, Buffy didn't like the flirty smile or gleam in the other blonde woman's eyes. "Vous parlez très bien français."

{You speak French very well.}

"Merci, j'espère qu'il saura impressionner ma date," Spike joked, gesturing at Buffy.

{Thanks, I'm hoping it will impress my date.}

“Je suis sûr qu'il le fera!” the waitress answered with a chuckle.

{I’m sure it will!}

Buffy cleared her throat. Hearing Spike speak French was of the good, him having what was essentially a private conversation with a flirty waitress was _not_.

Spike certainly didn’t want Buffy feeling left out, he only wanted to impress her. "We're still deciding on the rest, but a cheeseboard would be good for starters." He looked at Buffy. "Is that alright with you, pet?"

"Um, yes, cheeseboard. Let's start with that." Buffy didn't know what a 'cheeseboard' was, but didn't want to risk sounding dumb by saying so. It had the word 'cheese' in it, so she'd probably like it.

The waitress nodded. "I'll bring a bottle of our finest wine, as well."

"Merci," Spike said as the waitress left for the kitchen. He looked back at his menu. "You want to try the pheasant au vin Marcel recommended?"

Buffy narrowed her eyes at the waitress' back. “I was sitting right here, and she still flirted with you. Rude much?"

Spike’s brow furrowed. “She wasn’t flirting with me...” Then a slow smile spread across his face. “Bloody hell, you’re jealous!” Spike accused with surprise.

“Am not.” She smiled a bit. “...Maybe a little. That’s one drawback of going out with a gorgeous man, the skanks come out of the woodwork. You don’t have to look so pleased about it.”

“Can’t help it. I never thought you’d be jealous of another woman allegedly flirting with me. I never thought you’d... _care_.”

“Well, I do... so don’t encourage flirtage with other females.” Buffy smiled, trying to relax again. "I didn’t know you spoke French. That was neat."

Spike smiled slightly and shrugged humbly. "I have been around for a while, y'know? I had time to pick up a few words here and there."

"Very impressive."

"If you think I was just showin' off for you by unnecessarily speaking a foreign language... you're right." He laughed. "I'm using everything at my disposal to capture you in my web of love."

Buffy reached out and put her hand over his. "I really am impressed. I was hoping we'd learn new and interesting things about each other tonight. Say something else in French," she requested with a twinkle in her eye.

Spike thought for a moment and held her hand. He said silkily, while looking into her eyes, "Etre avec toi signifie plus pour moi que je peux vous dire, ma belle Buffy."

{Being with you means more to me than I can say, my beautiful Buffy.}

Buffy tilted her head with a dreamy look on her face, a shiver went up her spine. "Oh... that sounded really nice..."

"You like foreign tongues, eh?"

"Well... I like _your_ foreign tongue." She giggled and blushed, sitting up straight again. "I don't know why I said that... really bad joke." 

"I like Cheeky Buffy, I haven't had the pleasure of making her acquaintance until recently." Spike smirked.

The waitress came back with the cheeseboard and a bottle of wine.

Buffy thought, _'Oh, okay, it's literally a board with cheese on it.'_

There were five different kinds of cheeses on the board, accompanied by an assortment of fruit, crackers, toasted nuts, and a freshly baked baguette.

"Looks very yummy. This could be a meal all by itself," Buffy commented as the waitress poured their wine.

"This is just the starter, save room for the main course and dessert," Spike advised.

"Ooh, dessert." Buffy peeked at what other diners around them were eating. She definitely wanted to save room for something chocolaty. "Wish I had an extra stomach or two like a cow."

Spike chuckled. "Don't say that too loud in this town, someone's liable to grant your wish."

"Hmm, you're right about that. I retract that wish."

The waitress smiled at them (more at Spike than Buffy). "Let me know when you decide on the rest of your meal."

"We will, thanks," Spike said politely, smiling then looking back down at the table quickly so Buffy wouldn't think he was encouraging 'flirtage'.

The waitress went to check on another table.

"That's right... keep movin', Frenchy," Buffy said, following the woman with her eyes. "Did you see how she totally ignored me? I know what she's up to."

Spike laughed and shook his head. He was just so pleased that Buffy was showing a bit of jealousy. He couldn't help that it made him giddy, it was a dream come true.

* * *

They finished their appetizer and moved on to the main course. Buffy ordered the pheasant that the Maitre d' recommended, and Spike had the steak au poivre with cognac sauce, which he shared a bite of with Buffy whenever he noticed her glance at his plate. They chatted as they ate.

"This is so good," Buffy declared before putting another forkful of food in her mouth.

"Mmhmm," Spike agreed.

"I always thought vampires' taste buds were dead and they couldn't taste things. I've never seen any other vamps eating regular food. Though my contact with other vamps is pretty much limited to beating them up and staking them, not much socializing goes on." Buffy carefully avoided mentioning Angel or comparing Spike to him -- things were going so well, she didn't want to spoil it with a stupid remark like that.

"I can only speak from my own experience, but we can taste things just fine. I think our sense of taste is altered a bit, but our taste buds are alive, or maybe undead. I think a lot of my kind just don't want to eat human food, they abandon the trappings of humanity and embrace their new, creature of the night selves completely. I prefer spicy foods that have more of a kick, but I can enjoy the seasoning in the steak I'm eating now, too."

"You should tell Giles some of that stuff. I don't think the Watchers know little things like that about vampires."

"And why would I want to help those wankers by telling them anything about me or my people?" he asked with a cocked eyebrow. "Didn't you just quit and tell them to get stuffed not too long ago?"

"Yeah, they really are wankers... But Giles isn't, he's not like the rest of them."

Spike remained silent on the issue of Giles being, or not being, a wanker.

"You're going to try to get along with my friends, right?" Buffy asked hopefully.

Spike sighed, but smiled; he knew how important that was to her. "Yeah, I will... for you. Rupert isn't _that_ bad, I s'pose... he's a fellow Englishman an' all. We had a few good chats when I was spending my days chained up in his bathtub. I finally even got him to watch 'Passions', took to it like…” Spike paused. He was going to say that Giles ‘took to the show like a pig to muck,’ but he didn’t want to squick Buffy out. 

“Like what?” Buffy asked when Spike didn’t continue. 

“Uhhh… like monkeys to cupcakes,” Spike substituted at the last moment. “A fact I'm sure he'll deny with his last breath. I know he despises me, but I'll try to get along with him all the same."

Buffy couldn't help snorting softly at the 'monkeys to cupcakes' thing. "Giles and the others just need to see you're serious about wanting to be a good man. Then they'll come around."

Spike nodded, putting more food in his mouth to avoid saying anything derogatory about her friends and how he was less than optimistic that they'd ever change their opinions about him. Spike didn't relish that he'd perpetually be auditioning for the role of Buffy's boyfriend in their eyes and have to prove he's sincere about becoming one of the good guys. But he'd walk through the fires of Hell itself to be with Buffy, so he had to try and develop a thicker skin where the Scoobies were concerned.

"This food is so delicious," Buffy said after another bite. "I know I said it before, but I had to say it again."

Spike nodded and smiled. "Glad you're enjoyin' it, luv. It is brilliant, innit?"

"But what about you?" Buffy asked, looking concerned.

"What about me?"

"This normal food won't do anything for you, sustenance-wise. Can you order..." she looked around, leaned forward and whispered, " _blood_ here? Is it a vampire-friendly restaurant?"

"It is a vamp-friendly establishment, but I'm fine, no worries. I ate before I picked you up tonight. I didn't think it would do your appetite any good if I ate _my_ food in front of you. Thanks for askin' though... means a lot that you're thinking about my needs."

"We're being so considerate of each other... crazy, huh?" Buffy laughed lightly.

"Yeah, it's a big change from how we used to get on. I couldn't be happier about how things have changed between us, I like this... this thing we have now."

"I like it, too," Buffy agreed.

"I have an idea... let's play a game."

"What kind of game?" Buffy asked with a slanted smile.

"Let's pretend we've never met before -- we were just set up on a blind date by a mutual friend, and we're getting to know each other."

Buffy laughed. "Okay... we could try that."

"So, tell me about yourself, pet. Who is Buffy Summers, what kind of things does she like?" Spike put his arm on the table and leaned forward slightly (in the classic 'I'm interested in what you have to say' pose). He smiled and batted his eyes at her.

"Um... let's see, I'm 20 years old, so it’s a good thing they didn’t want to card me before they served me wine. Shhh, don’t tell.” They chuckled as she continued. “I attend UC Sunnydale -- I've had to cut way back on my classes for a while, but I plan on going back full-time as soon as I can. I grew up in L.A. but moved here when I was sixteen. I used to be a cheerleader back in my early high school days. I'm really into martial arts now, and I like to keep in shape."

"Fascinating," Spike drawled. "Tell me more." 

"I used to love figure skating when I was younger -- my idol was the great Peggy Fleming -- but I haven't had a lot of time for extracurricular activities lately... I also like going to the beach, _poetry_ ," she said with a big grin, and Spike smiled wider at that, "cheese, chocolate, and guys who aren't assholes. Oh, I also save the world a lot, hang out in cemeteries, and battle demons by the dark of night. Now, tell me about you," Buffy said, leaning forward and smiling. "Who is _Spike_?"

"My name's William, but everyone calls me Spike. I'm --"

"And your _last_ name is?" Buffy rested her chin on her hand and blinked at him.

Spike sighed and reluctantly told her, "My surname is Swann."

"Swann's a nice name, why do you make a face when you say it? You don't you like it?"

He shrugged. "Swans are beautiful, graceful creatures, not the image I wanted to project."

"You're graceful." Buffy added with a smile, "In the manliest sense of the word, of course."

"'Graceful' puts me in mind of nancy-boys and ballerinas... I'd prefer the terms 'nimble' or 'agile'. Unless I'm drunk or bouncing off anti-vamp barriers and falling on my ass -- I'm much less nimble in those cases."

Buffy frowned a bit. She knew Spike was just joking, but it made her sad to think of the whole 'not inviting him in' thing again.

Spike could see he shouldn't have brought that up. "...Sorry, my mouth gets ahead of my brain sometimes... most of the time, actually. That's another thing you should know about me."

Buffy smiled again and shook her head. "It's okay." She went back to the subject of his name. "Um, you know, swans can be really mean. I got chased by an angry swan once when I was little, scared the hell out of me. If a giant, demon swan ever attacks the city, the people of Sunnydale are on their own, I'm outta here."

Spike laughed. "That's true, swans can be surly. I guess that part suits me."

"The beautiful and graceful parts fit you too," Buffy said it teasingly, but she meant it -- Spike was both. 

"Shall I continue telling you about myself?"

"By all means, please carry on." Buffy waved her hand.

"I'm a 121-year-old vampire. I was born in London during the Victorian era when everyone was mainly concerned with being proper, and a woman showing a bit of ankle was considered scandalous. I'm _much_ better suited to this era, this is the time I was meant for. I know it may seem like a silly, romantic notion, but I believe my entire life has led to this: being in this town, in this time... in this restaurant with this breathtaking woman sitting across from me." Spike reached across the table to touch her hand, giving her a suave smile.

"You certainly move fast, Mr. Swann." Buffy giggled. "We've only just met -- you don't want to scare me off by talking like that, do you?"

"No, I don't want to scare you off, pet. But I want to be honest about how I feel. I know who the girl for me is, my heart belongs solely to her. She's not quite _there_ yet... but I'm prepared to wait for her to catch up to me." Spike smiled broadly. "I've got nothin' but time."

While Spike poured them each another glass of champagne, Buffy asked, "What kinds of things do you like to do? Leaving out the more vampirey things."

"I like football, dog racing, spicy wings, bloomin' onions, alcohol, and a decent brawl," Spike replied.

"My goodness, you make yourself sound like a _brute_ ," Buffy said, putting a hand to her chest in mock shock. 

"I'm a complicated man, luv. I bore easily, so I like having a lot of variety in my life. Doin' the same thing the same way all the time gets tiresome. My needs are simple, but I also like indulging in the finer things every now and then. To quote Homer, I enjoy all the meats of our cultural stew." 

Buffy laughed. She thought he meant Homer, the Greek epic poet at first, but it was Homer Simpson. Spike _might_ watch too much TV, in her opinion.

Spike continued, "I enjoy the occasional fine meal, such as the one we're having now. I also have a passion for the arts, a love of poetry is something we have in common. And I'm a hopeless romantic; when I fancy a woman, I treat her like a queen. I enjoy spoiling my woman."

"Your woman should want to spoil you a little, too." Buffy suspected that no woman had ever treated Spike as well, or put him on a pedestal, as he did them. With the exception of Harmony, who was an aberration... in many ways. It was just Spike's bad luck that the one lover he couldn't stand was the one who was hung up on him. And Buffy suspected that Spike had been hurt before, not just by Dru. "I haven't done such a great job at making any man I've been with feel special..."

"You just hadn't found the long-haul guy yet, that's all. Your other... relationships weren't meant to be, and neither were mine, even if they did feel 'right' for a while. Just being here with you right now makes me feel special. I love you more than anything in this world, Buffy. I'll be happy with whatever you're able to give. This, just having dinner with you and talking, makes me so bloody happy I want to burst into song like in one of those sappy old musicals."

Buffy still had doubts about her ability to be a good girlfriend and be what her man needed, but Spike saying sweet things like that did help. She hoped he still felt the same way after they'd been together for a while, once the ‘crushiness' of being with her wore off. "You always know the right thing to say to make me feel better. You also always knew just what to say to piss me off."

"I’m versatile, but I'll try to do more of the former and less of the latter."

They smiled at each other.

"What are you looking for in a man, Miss Summers?" Spike asked, reverting to their blind date role playing.

"I don't really know... I mean, I _thought_ I knew what I wanted, but I wasn't happy when I got it. I guess I want someone... who will stay with me." Buffy sighed. "That sounds pretty pathetic, doesn't it?"

Spike shook his head, swallowing a lump in his throat. He also had trouble holding on to the ones he loved. "Doesn't sound pathetic at all, that's high on my list too..." He smiled sadly. "Though I'm pretty pathetic m'self, so maybe I'm not the right person to ask."

"Besides staying power, I need a man who'll be there for me -- to fight by my side when I'm strong, and to give me a shoulder to lean on when I'm weak. And no guilt trips. I've got a lot of responsibilities, I can't be a doting girlfriend all the time... make that, _most_ of the time. I don't need a boyfriend who makes me feel guilty for doing my duties as the Slayer _or_ a daughter."

Spike nodded along with what she was saying. "So far, I'm highly qualified for the position of Buffy's Boyfriend. Nothin' I can't handle."

Buffy laughed lightly. "Okay, what about you, Mr. Swann? What do you look for in a girlfriend?"

Spike thought about the question as they ate. "Well, I'd want that 'stay with me' thing you mentioned. I'd like my woman to be strong, inside an' out. But I'd like her to have a vulnerable, softer side, at least with me. I wouldn't want her to be afraid to ask me if she needed my help with anything, and thinkin' she has to be strong and on top of everything all the bloody time.

"I'm a warrior myself, so a girl who can kick some ass would be a plus. The thought of fighting side by side with my woman is definitely a turn-on. I'd also want her to be smart, someone who can stimulate my intellect as well as... other parts."

"Oh, smart! Um, I forgot to say I want my guy to be smart. I'm adding that to my list," Buffy said. "If you can't talk to each other, there's not much of a future."

Spike nodded in agreement. "The sex can be great, but if your mate has nothin' goin' on upstairs... I recently got out of a relationship just like that -- I don't recommend it. I want someone I can carry on a conversation with and _not_ want to stake myself by the end of it. But I'd also like my woman to be built like a brick shithouse."

Buffy laughed. "Yeah, at the risk of sounding really shallow, I'd like my guy to be hard-bodied and ripply with muscles. Are we both just too picky?"

"Maybe we are. And maybe we've both finally gotten lucky and found what we're looking for."

"Maybe we have," Buffy agreed with a smile. "But I'm not always the most pleasant person to be around, I can be bitchy..."

Spike tried looking shocked. "You, unpleasant and bitchy? Piffle!" He shook his head and frowned. "I don't believe that for a moment. I find you simply enchanting."

She giggled. "You sure you want to take a chance on someone like me?"

Spike smiled and reached out to touch her hand again. "Pet, I've never been more sure of anything in my life."

* * *

They finished their main courses and were served their desserts. Buffy had a slice of chocolate mousse cake, and Spike had pears soaked in brandy with a hot caramel sauce. Spike generously shared his dessert with Buffy. He was happy to share, especially since she let him feed her bites of it. He had to be careful to keep his libido on a leash -- having Buffy opening wide and letting him slide the food into her mouth made Spike think some very dirty thoughts...

Once all the food was gone, Buffy leaned back in her chair. "I never knew pears could be so tasty, your dessert rivaled the chocolate mousse cake in yumminess. That was the best thing I've ever had in my mouth."

Spike wanted to say a number of naughty things such as 'The night's still young'. But he wisely settled for a smirk and slight cocking of his eyebrow. 

Buffy hadn't meant it in a naughty way, but the double entendre was loud and clear when she took a second to think about it. She knew exactly what he was thinking; Spike could say more with a smirk and a raising of his eyebrow than most people could with a whole dictionary of words. "You're bad," she said with a smirk of her own as she dabbed at the corners of her mouth with her cloth napkin, trying to look like a proper lady.

Spike tried looking scandalized, but couldn't completely wipe the smirk from his face. "You've got a dirty mind, pet. I didn't say anything."

"Uh-huh, _I'm_ the one with the dirty mind." She moaned and rubbed her stomach. "I've never been so full in my life. Not only did I eat all my food, I made a dent in your dinner too. Sorry."

"It was all about you having an exceptional meal and us having a nice chat, pet. I planned on sharing with you; I purposely ordered something other than what you were having so you could try another dish." 

"Trying to fatten me up, eh?" Buffy joked. "I don't know if I can walk out under my own power, you might have to carry me back to the carriage."

Spike snorted and smiled; he’d happily carry her to the ends of the earth. "You wouldn't be interested in dancing, then?"

"Dancing?" Buffy looked around. "They have a dance floor?"

"Mmmhmm." Spike pointed toward a set of double doors across the room. "The Starlight Room is right through there. It has a 1940's theme, the band plays music mostly from that era."

"Well, I do like dancing..." Buffy really wanted to dance with Spike (it would be so romantic!) but she felt tired and bloated from eating so much. With all the scrumptious food presented to her, she'd forgotten that a woman shouldn't make a pig of herself in front of her date. Spike didn't seem to mind or be turned off, though. It was probably impossible to turn Spike off; she wondered if Spike even _had_ an ‘off’ button.

"We could have a drink and sit at a table for a bit while our meals settle?" Spike suggested.

Buffy nodded, thinking that sounded like a good idea.

* * *

The blond couple sat at one of the tables surrounding the dance floor, sipping their drinks and watching the other couples dance. Spike had a beer; since this was a special occasion, and he didn’t have to pay for it, he ordered a Kronenbourg 1664, a French pale lager. But Buffy opted for a Diet Coke (as if drinking a 'diet' anything would compensate for the enormous amount of calories she'd just consumed). Buffy had had enough alcohol for one night; the wine, champagne, and the alcohol in the food, had her feeling buzzed, but not totally drunk.

Buffy was surprised that the Starlight Room turned out to be an honest to goodness ballroom. From the outside, the building didn't look large enough to contain a ballroom -- she thought some kind of magic had to be at work. The room itself was lovely; it had high ceilings with crystal chandeliers, and red velvet draperies over the windows, very classy and retro. It looked like something from an old Hollywood movie, only in living color and brought to life. The lights were dimmed just enough to make the atmosphere more romantic. And there was a bandstand with a seventeen-piece orchestra entertaining the patrons. 

"This place is beautiful," Buffy said, taking in the ambience. "I wouldn't have guessed that the secret restaurant had an even secret-er ballroom."

Spike nodded, taking a drink of his beer. "It's a little sliver of serenity in this crazy town. You can relax here and just 'be'."

Buffy wasn't sure if she should ask, but she had to. "Have you... brought someone here before?"

Spike shook his head. "Never had someone I wanted to share this place with before."

"Good." Buffy loved the feeling that this was 'their' special place and theirs alone.

Couples were dancing to a lively, swing music tune.

"Do you swing dance?" Spike asked. He was ready to show off some acrobatic moves to further impress her.

"I never danced to that kind of music. I'd like to learn how, though; it looks like fun. But I'd strongly advise against you throwing me in the air and swinging me around after I ate so much. Our date would end abruptly, and in a very bad way."

"Another time, then," Spike chuckled. 

"Definitely. But I think I'm almost ready to dance to a slow song," Buffy said, patting her stomach. "I feel a little less like Jabba the Hutt."

"Bloody hell, I almost forgot." Spike reached into his jacket and took out a small gift wrapped in shiny paper with red hearts all over it. He set it down on the table in front of her. "I got you a present." 

"Oh, Spike... you didn't have to get me anything else. The dinner was more than enough."

"I should take it back, then?" he asked, slowly reaching for it.

Buffy snatched it up and held it to her chest. "Returning stuff is always such a hassle... I wouldn't want you to have to go through that."

"You're so thoughtful." Spike smirked. "Go on then, open it."

Buffy tore off the paper. "A cell phone!" 

"It's prepaid for six months. I wanted to give you jewelry, but there aren't any jewelers who owe me favors at the moment..."

Buffy talked as she checked out her silver cell phone and its stylish leather carrying case, "No, this is great! I can call home if I'm out late patrolling... or on a date, or just to check in to make sure everything's okay. And anybody can get in touch with me fast if there's any trouble. The cell phone's waaay more thoughtful and useful a gift than a piece of jewelry." She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you, Spike. I love it."

"Welcome." Spike breathed an internal sigh of relief that she'd liked the present. He still planned on getting her a pretty ring or necklace in the future, but the phone would have to do for now. "I got phones for your mates too, I can give them to you tomorrow."

Buffy grinned. "You got all of us cell phones? That's so sweet!"

"Make no mistake, I did it for _you_ , luv, not 'cos I'm trying to suck up to them. I don't want the Scoobies thinkin' I'm sweet on them... 'specially Xander. It will benefit you if there's better communication in the ranks, that's what I care about."

"Well, whatever your reason for doing it, it's still sweet. And giving my friends a present can't hurt, it'll show them you can be a nice guy."

Spike shrugged, smiling slightly. It would probably take a few brand new cars and long trips to exotic locales for him to make any headway with her friends, but the phones might be a good start. 

When a slow song started, Spike stood and offered his hand to Buffy. "Would you care to dance, Miss Summers?"

Buffy smiled up at him, put her new phone in her purse, and then took his hand. "I'd love to, Mr. Swann." 

Spike led her to the dance floor. He held her right hand in his left, and put his right hand on the middle of her back in the classic ballroom dancing position. Buffy rested her left hand on his shoulder, and they began moving to the music. 

Buffy expected Spike to hold her tight, mashing their chests and pelvises together. But his hold on her was light and left a few inches separating their bodies, what would be considered 'proper' dancing position. 

Spike was being deliberately 'proper'. Of course he _wanted_ to hold Buffy's exquisite body tightly against his, but more than that, he wanted to show her he could be a gentleman. And he figured they would naturally become more relaxed and get closer as the dancing went on; he would let Buffy decide when the time was right to hold each other closer. 

"It's like we're in some 1940's time warp," Buffy commented, then sobered a bit, her eyes darting around the room. "We're _not_ in a time warp, are we?"

Spike smirked. "No worries, luv, pretty sure we're still in the 21st century."

"I had to ask, you never know... This music makes me think of those USO dances in the olden days. That's how my mom's parents met -- Grandpa was a young G.I., and Grandma was a USO volunteer hoping to meet a handsome soldier."

"Obviously they hit it off," Spike observed with a wry smile.

"Mmmhmm, lucky for me, they did."

"Lucky for me too, as it turns out."

Spike hummed the melody of the song. And then the urge to sing became too powerful -- it was like he was under some weird spell to make him burst into song. He hoped Buffy would think he was cute and madcap, and not just mad. He sang softly as they danced.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ It Had To Be You - Harry Connick, Jr. ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MUqV1HoEYLw)

}}

"It had to be you  
It had to be you  
I wandered around  
And finally found  
The somebody who  
Could make me be true  
Could make me be blue  
Or even be glad  
Just to be sad  
Thinking of you"

Buffy giggled. The real Spike could sing just as well as Dream Spike did. He sounded really good, just like that yummy Harry Connick, Jr. This was a fitting song for them -- Spike loved her despite her shortcomings (and the fact that she had frequently been mean to him), and she was falling for him despite all the reasons she shouldn't. Come to think of it, lots of songs seemed to fit them very well...

Spike was encouraged by her smile and giggle, he sang the next verse louder as they danced.

"Some others I've seen  
Might never be mean  
Might never be cross  
Or try to be boss  
But they wouldn't do

For nobody else  
Gave me a thrill  
With all your faults  
I love you still  
It had to be you  
Wonderful you  
It had to be you"

"I have faults?" Buffy asked, her brows knit but she was still smiling. "What faults?"

Spike laughed. "Just a song, pet. 'Course you don't have faults, you're perfect."

"Damn right, I am. And don't you forget it," she joked. 

"I hope I didn't just ruin my chances by singing. You thought it was just weird, didn't you?" Spike asked with a nervous tinge to his voice. "You're not gonna excuse yourself and go to the ladies' room so you can climb out the window to bail out of our date?"

Buffy shook her head and laughed. "No, I'm not going to try to escape. I liked it. Was singing to me something else you're using to capture me in your web of love?"

"Mmhmm. Could've backfired if it just made you uncomfortable and you thought I was a git. And if you're just bein' nice, please tell me so I don't sing something else later and make a bigger ass out of myself."

"I'm not just being nice, I really did like it. You have a great voice, and it was _very_ romantic. You _can_ sing!"

"Why do you say it like that? With the emphasis on 'can'?"

"Dream Spike sang a song to me... well, I guess he was technically singing to the cats, but he dedicated it to me."

His scarred brow arched. "Cats?"

"Don't ask, it was just weird dream stuff."

"How do I measure up to him?" Spike wondered.

"The real you singing is much better 'cause it's really you and not something my subconscious made up."

"Did Dream Spike dance too?"

"No," she laughed, "he only sang."

"Ah, then I'm one up on Dream Spike," he said with a grin. 

"Maybe that's what you should do to earn money, you can sing with the band," Buffy told him, only half-joking. 

"Uh-uh, I perform only for milady. It might be fun for a night or two, but I'd be craving rock music before long. I'd probably get fired for doing the Sex Pistols' version of 'My Way'." 

Buffy giggled. Getting to know Spike was turning out to be more fun than she even dared hope.

* * *

They danced to more slow songs and some more energetic ones that Buffy felt up to, but they didn't try for any astounding acrobatics tonight. Buffy and Spike were perfect dancing partners, both agile and light on their feet, and Buffy could anticipate Spike's moves. It was as if they'd been dancing together for years, and, in a way, they had been.

"One more dance, luv?" Spike asked. He wanted this night to last forever, but they had to stop dancing and go home eventually. He reckoned Buffy's feet had to be getting sore in those high heels -- the heels had to be uncomfortable, but made her legs look spectacular. Spike would offer her a foot massage, but he didn't know if he could stop at her feet.

"One more," Buffy agreed. She wasn't anxious for the night to end either, but as the saying went, 'all good things...'

They'd stopped being so formal in their dance postures a few songs ago, Buffy had her arms around Spike's neck and he held her waist as they swayed to the music. As Spike had hoped, Buffy was the one to initiate more intimacy first. Their bodies were lightly pressed together with no space left between them. The closeness created tingles in them where they touched as they danced more like lovers, and less like just dance partners. 

"I've always liked this song," Spike said when the new song started. "Fitting that this will be our last of the night, many dances back in the day ended with this."

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Moonlight Serenade - Glenn Miller Orchestra ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZQQ0vUBceM)

}}

Big band music was nice, but most of the songs kind of sounded the same to Buffy. "What's it called?"

"'Moonlight Serenade'. It's perfect for lovers to dance to... or, uh, people who care about each other..." Spike wondered if he would ever stop putting his foot in his mouth. Probably not...

Buffy knew they'd be lovers soon, there was no way she could put off wanting to be with Spike, intimately, for too long. "It's a pretty song, I like it."

They danced silently for a minute, thinking how good it felt to be in each other's embrace. Buffy wondered what cologne was Spike was wearing, she'd noticed how mouth-wateringly good he smelled early in the evening.

"You've had a good time tonight?" Spike asked, wanting to hear her say it.

Buffy smiled softly and nodded. "I'm having a _great_ time. But..."

"But...?" Spike pulled back to look at her and searched her eyes, wondering what he might have done wrong.

"This isn't the kind of stuff you like doing. You don't know how touched I am that you did all this for me, but I want you to have fun, too."

"I _am_ having fun, Buffy. I'm here with you... we're talking like normal people, and we've laughed together, and we're dancing, and I'm seeing the way your eyes light up when you look at me..." He gazed into her emerald eyes and sighed, tilting his head slightly with a blissful smile turning up at the corners of his mouth. "Part of me is terrified I'm going to wake up and all of it will've been some beautiful dream. This is the best night of my life."

Buffy felt all melty again. She wanted to say something, but all that came out was a soft sigh. She'd never seen so much love for her in a man's eyes before. With every passing moment, Spike proved to her that she'd made the right decision about letting him into her life. 

Buffy drew Spike to her and pressed her lips to his. Spike slid his hands around to her back. He held her tighter and kissed her slowly, passionately, telling her how much he adored her without words.

They didn't realize the song had ended until the applause from the other dancers finally registered in their minds. For a moment, they thought everyone was applauding them. They pulled back from the kiss and smiled, but didn't release their hold on each other.

"That was..." Buffy began. She was distracted when she felt a strange sensation on her hip. She looked down between their bodies. "Um... is something in your pants _vibrating_?" 

Spike laughed and took a step back. "Sorry, luv, that's my phone -- it's on vibrate." He took a cell phone out of his pants pocket.

"Oh... that's what it was. I was both scared and flattered at the same time. Who's calling you?"

"Has to be Clem, he's the only one who's got my number -- other than you." Spike took Buffy by the hand and led her back to their table as he answered the phone with his other hand. "What is it, Clem?"

Buffy sat at the table and took a cool, refreshing drink of her Coke. The steamy kiss, and then Spike's vibrating loins, had her feeling all hot and a bit lightheaded. She concentrated on cooling down while Spike talked to his friend.

Clem was apologetic on the phone. "I got a call about a problem with a building permit, I'm heading for a meeting with my contractor right now. I'm really sorry, but I won't be able to pick you up at the restaurant."

Spike wanted to yell, but he kept himself composed. He didn't want his temper to put a damper on the otherwise delightful evening. He turned away from Buffy and ground his jaws together for a moment. "What? You gave me your bloody word that you'd --"

"Don't get your panties in a bunch, I'm not leaving you hangin'. I sent one of my drivers to pick you and Buffy up. He should probably be waiting for you where I dropped you off by now. I was just apologizing 'cause I feel bad I can't do it personally."

"Oh... well that's alright." Spike relaxed a little. He would have preferred it was Clem and not some guy he didn't know, but as long as he and Buffy had a ride it wasn't a big deal. "Is the permit problem gonna be hard to fix?" 

"Nah, shouldn't be that bad; bureaucratic bullshit like this is just a pain in my wrinkly butt. I'll have to schedule a meeting with someone from the city tomorrow about it, too -- maybe we can take the meeting over brunch at Hooters... Being the boss ain't easy, let me tell ya. And it's more aggravating 'cause I know you were counting on me."

Spike was fairly certain Clem could get things sorted in short order -- Clem was a born salesman, he could sell ice cubes to Eskimos. "No worries, mate. You did what you could under the circumstances. This other driver, he's checked out? He's good at the job?"

"Yeah, he's good with the horses and a good driver."

"You know how _important_ tonight is to me, Clem," Spike said, letting a bit of his desperation into his voice. "I need everything to go smoothly right up 'til the end when Buffy and I say our goodnights."

"I know it's important to you, Spike. I wouldn't send someone I hadn't put through the paces. I wouldn't screw you over, man."

Spike smirked a bit. "Unless we're playin' poker."

"Well, poker's completely different, there are no friends at the poker table -- it's every demon for himself when we're playing for kittens or cash. But, away from the table, you can trust me. Besides not wanting to let you down, I know you'd come looking for me and kick my ass, and I wouldn't want that -- I'm a lover, not a fighter."

Spike took a breath. "Yeah, alright. We were just about to leave, hope your boy is here."

"He should be waiting for you. You give me a call if there're any problems. I might not be able to answer right away if I'm in the meeting, but I'll get right back to ya. Don't worry so much, the rest of the date will go great and Buffy will want to go out again soon. Think you'll get lucky tonight?" He was being supportive of his friend, but the thought of seeing Buffy naked made Clem cringe. But Spike was into tight, creamy skin, thick, long hair, and firm breasts and buttocks -- to each his own!

Spike glanced at Buffy and smiled. "I'm already the luckiest bloke in the world, I'm out on the town with my dream girl."

"Oh brother," Clem groaned. "You've got it bad, pal. You don't even want sex?"

"Didn't say that. If I'm offered something... it'd be rude to turn it down," Spike told him, repeating Buffy's advice from earlier.

"Okay, I gotta go. Call and let me know how everything went."

"I will. Thanks, Clem."

Spike ended the call and turned back to Buffy as he put his phone back in his pocket.

"Something wrong?" Buffy asked. She'd been trying not to eavesdrop, but Spike had sounded agitated.

"No, nothing's wrong. Clem says he had to send another driver for us 'cos he had business to attend to. His boy should be waiting for us."

"You got yourself a cell phone too, I see. It will be nice to get a hold of you without having to go all the way to the cemetery." She giggled, recalling when she'd felt it vibrate against her. "I like that vibrating function."

"You should put yours on vibrate and keep it your hip pocket, almost need a smoke afterwards."

"I'll remember that." Buffy wistfully thought about calling herself and letting it ring (or vibrate) for a while once she was home and snug in bed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Their date continues in chapter 14 :)
> 
> * Special note to my French speaking readers: I had to make do with using an online translator, I apologize if it wasn't completely accurate. I want to get it exactly right, so feel free to email me and let know if you spotted mistakes :) 
> 
> * Sonnet XVIII by William Shakespeare
> 
> * 'It Had To Be You' lyrics by Gus Kahn and Isham Jones; 'Moonlight Serenade' by the Glenn Miller Orchestra


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spike and Buffy's first date continues. There's more fluffy Spuffyness ahead :) But will Spike's plan to give Buffy a perfect, romantic first date go off without a hitch?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Passion4Spike for being her awesome self :D
> 
> Banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

Buffy and Spike walked arm in arm back through the alleyway.

"I had such a great time, Spike. The food and the dancing and the conversation all exceeded my expectations. I think that was the longest we've gone without arguing, too -- you're just full of surprises."

"I'm glad you enjoyed yourself, pet. It was everything I'd hoped it would be... I originally wanted there to be more after the dinner and dancing, though," Spike admitted with regret. "I wanted to take you to the theater to see a play or musical, but the only thing playing tonight is the Sunnydale Community Theater's production of 'A Streetcar Named Desire' starring the head of the local PTA as Blanche DuBois."

Buffy laughed. "Unfortunately, Sunnydale isn't known for its vibrant cultural and arts scene. Actually, I hear the elementary school puts on a mean 'Winnie the Pooh', though," she told him with a grin. "But I really couldn't have asked for more, I've had a wonderful time," Buffy assured him sincerely. 

Spike was so relieved, he'd had himself tied up in knots worrying about something going wrong during their date. "You know... I was so bloody nervous that something would go wrong, or you'd hate the whole thing."

"I'd have to be crazy to _hate_ any of it." She leaned her head on his shoulder for a moment. "Aww, you were really nervous?"

He snorted and nodded. "I felt like a spotty teenage git out with the most beautiful and popular girl in school. Tonight meant so much to me, it _had_ to go well."

"You were nervous for nothing," Buffy said, giving Spike's arm a squeeze. "Everything was perfect, not one bad thing happened the whole night." 

"How would you feel about a ride 'round the park in the carriage before I escort you home, Miss Summers?"

"I'd love to." A cozy, relaxing carriage ride did sound like a lovely way to end their evening.

As they approached where the alley ended and the sidewalk began, they were happy to see the front end of Rusty the horse; the hansom cab was waiting for them at the curb just as Clem had promised.

"Whoa-ho... I know you guys," their new driver remarked from the elevated seat.

They both found that distinctive stoner chuckle familiar, and thought, _'No, it can't be *him*..._ They slowly looked up at the driver, staring at him for a moment -- not quite believing their eyes. It was one of Drusilla's minions, Dave, dressed in a dark suit and top hat with his human face on and his hair pulled back in a ponytail at the nape of his neck.

"Bloody hell... it's Spicoli! I _knew_ I shouldn't've let that tosser get away!" Spike growled.

Dave tipped his top hat. "Aloha! Clem said to pick his friend Spike and his date up here. I didn't know you were, like, the _same_ Spike. Small world, huh?"

Buffy crossed her arms. "Know a lot of _Spikes_ , do ya?" 

"Yeah, I know at least four dudes called Spike, and my cousin's bulldog's name is Spike."

"Clem sent _you_?" Spike asked incredulously. "You work for Clem?"

"Correct-a-mundo," Dave replied with a self-satisfied grin.

"I don't fucking believe this..." Spike clenched his fists, giving Dave a lethal look. "Get down from there so I can kick your sodding ass!"

"Dude, chill. You're gonna upset Rusty. Horses pick up on people's emotions."

The horse neighed and shook its head as if it understood and agreed with the stoner.

Buffy put a hand on Spike's back, rubbing soothingly. "I don't get it... why would Clem hire a vampire to drive the cab? Didn't he consider the fact that vamps are more likely to _eat_ the passengers than drive them around?"

Dave was worried he might not live to receive his paycheck (so he could buy an ounce of some gnarlatious doobage that just came in). "The boss-man has rules, he's real strict about them, too. He gives us incentives to be cool with humans -- totally no snacking on the job! Clem's awesome, he doesn't discriminate 'cause of color, or religion, or... undeadness."

"And the vamp Clem hired just had to be one of the bloody minions that tried to kill us. What the bloody hell is he thinking!?" Spike angrily ran a hand back through his hair, knocking some platinum curls loose from the styling gel holding them in place. His dream of the perfect, incident-free date with Buffy was going up in smoke; this was turning into a nightmare.

"Hey, I didn't try to shred you guys at the mansion," Dave objected. "Don't be uncool."

Spike grit his teeth. "I recall fighting you along with the rest of those pillocks. And it was you who forced my eyes open so Dru could hypnotize me into killing Buffy!"

"Yeah," Buffy glared up at Dave. "And you helped that asshole Joshua torment me. You laughed at me and cheered." She was going to add that she'd also heard Dave cheering specifically when Spike bit her, but she was able to stop herself before she brought that up. She didn't want to make Spike feel more guilty than he already did over that.

"I didn't, like, hit you or anything, Slayer."

"And that's the only reason we're still talking and you're not already a pile of dust. But you _did_ laugh at me and enjoy the fact that I was being tortured and humiliated," Buffy pointed out.

"Uh... that was just, like... really intense peer pressure. I thought what was goin' on was totally bogus, but I had to just go along with it, y'know?"

Spike went a little ways back into the alley. He'd noticed a wooden crate on the ground when they'd passed through a minute ago, which he now stomped on and broke into a dozen pieces. Then he picked up one of the sharp pieces of wood and tossed it to Buffy.

"You dust him," Spike pointed angrily at Dave, "while I call Clem and give that flabby, albino bastard a bloody good piece of my mind! I'm gonna rip his hearts out when I get my hands on 'im!" Spike whipped his cell phone out and started dialing as he walked a short distance away.

"Aw, dude! That's so bogus! Can't you just give me a chance?" Dave called pleadingly. 

Buffy got a good grip on the makeshift stake and eyed Dave.

Dave gulped, wondering if he could make the horse go fast enough to escape the angry Slayer... he doubted it. "C'mon, Slayer... You don't have to stake me, I'm not doin' anything bad."

"You're a vampire -- you don't have to do be doing anything else for me to have an excuse to stake you."

"That's, like, so not fair!" Dave complained, reminding Buffy of Harmony. "Totally bogus and prejudiced, just like when clerks follow me around stores just 'cos of how I look. That's like... _profiling_ \-- totally UNcool! And you're on a date with Spike, and he's a vampire -- a really bad-ass vampire who's done a lot worse stuff than me. He's, like, _legendarily_ evil. You look smokin' hot in that dress, by the way."

She smiled at the compliment, looking down at her dress, then fidgeted and frowned. "Yeah, I'm dating Spike, but he's different than the rest of you. He's trying to change his ways." 

"Bingo! That's totally what I'm tryin' to do too! I promise, I won't kill people, I'm sticking to animal blood." He held up his right hand and gave the Boy Scout salute. He was actually giving the gesture to 'rock on', but thought it was the same as the Boy Scout salute. 

Buffy paused, taking into consideration the fact that she was giving Spike a chance to prove his determination to be a better man. She wasn't going to give every vampire she met the benefit of the doubt; that kind of behavior would result in a quick death for her. But maybe Dave deserved a chance to be a better person too... albeit a perpetually stoned one.

"Why are you working for Clem? What's in it for you?" Buffy asked Dave as she tried to sort out her new role as not only executioner but judge, as well.

"Moola. I need mucho bucks to support myself in the lifestyle to which I've become accustomed." 

She narrowed her eyes. "Isn't it common practice for vamps to take money off their victims' bodies?"

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, dudette! I don't _have_ victims. I don't like hunting, it's like a total buzz-kill. If I could be, like, king of the vampires and have my food brought to me, that'd be awesome... I'd have lots of hot honeys in nuthin' but huaraches fanning me with those big-ass feather fans... and I'd have a giant hookah to toke on, too."

"So you have _no_ interest in killing humans?" Buffy asked skeptically, crossing her arms over her chest, the stake still in her right hand.

"It's too much of a hassle, y'know? I can satisfy my bloodlust by watching Ultimate Fighting on pay-per-view and cold chillin' with a tall glass of pig's blood in my hand."

"So that's the answer," Buffy said, shaking her head. "If only all vampires could be lazy potheads, my job would be a lot easier and the world would be a safer place."

"Totally," Dave agreed, nodding enthusiastically. 

"Why would Clem hire a stoner?"

"I don't partake of any righteous bud while I'm working."

Buffy thought, _'This is him *sober*? He probably doesn't even need to smoke any more pot, it's part of his DNA by now. God, I hope he didn't procreate before he was turned!'_

"You can drive a hansom cab? I mean... well?" she asked doubtfully.

"Totally! Well, the horse does all the driving, I just chillax up here and tell him where to go. But I've got, like, a simpatico with horses -- I used to work at my uncle's dude ranch every summer when I was a kid. It sucked to be away from the beach and the tasty waves and beach bunnies, but working with the horses was rad. And I got, like, a skill I can use now... that's pretty wild, huh? I'm really gonna try hard to be good at this gig."

Spike growled as he walked back to Buffy. "Clem ain't answering. I left him an irate message asking why he sent a bloody vampire with a drug problem to pick us up." He glowered at Dave. "Why is he still in solid form? Why haven't you staked him yet?" Spike asked impatiently.

"Well... I was thinking that maybe we should give him a chance."

Spike blinked and stared at her. "Come again?"

"Dave says he doesn't plan on killing people."

"...And you... what? Just believe him?"

Buffy shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. All those years of 'partaking in the righteous bud' have completely fried his brain, I'm not sure he has enough gray matter left up there to actually figure out how to lie, so I do kinda believe him. Plus, I think he's just too lazy -- he'd rather just get stoned and fry a few more brain cells than actually hunt. Hey, I'm on a date with the former 'William the Bloody', so maybe giving him a chance to be good or bad is the right thing to do."

"You're not actually comparing him to me?" Spike lifted an eyebrow. "You think he deserves the same amount of consideration that I do?"

"I'm not saying that." Buffy shook her head. "I trust you with _everything_ , Spike. But after hearing what Dave has to say, I think we can trust him to do a good job and not try to kill us, or any other couple he takes for a moonlight drive."

"I don't get paid if I try to kill you, dude," Dave informed Spike. "No moola, no doobage! That's what's called 'incentive'."

Spike snarled at him. "And I'll rip you limb from bloody limb if you even _think_ about tryin' something."

Dave agreed. "Uh, yeah... that's a really good incentive too."

Spike looked Buffy in the eye and asked, "You're sure about this?" 

Buffy nodded. "You trust Clem, right?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I _did_ trust the stupid sod before tonight."

"You don't trust anyone easily, or at all, so that tells me Clem is trustworthy. I really don't think he would've done anything to screw up our date on purpose. And he didn't know the guy he sent was one of Dru's minions. Let's see how well Dave does, and then decide if Clem deserves to be yelled at."

"I'm gonna do a whole bloody lot more than _yell_ at him..." Spike said under his breath. He still wasn't happy about this at all, but he reminded himself again that tonight was about making Buffy happy. If she wanted to be bighearted and give a drug addict vampire a chance... then that was what they'd do.

Spike sighed and looked up at Dave. "You're loyal to Clem? You're determined to give it your all... not that 'your all' is very impressive."

"Yeah, man, totally! I was freaked out when I first met Clem 'cause it kinda looks like he's melting -- I thought I was trippin' balls. But he's an awesome dude once you get past the melting thing. I don't wanna fuck this gig up. I get moola _and_ bennies working for the Clem-meister -- us vamps need our dental coverage. I totally got this."

"You'd better mind your task, boy," Spike warned in his most intimidating voice. "You do your bloody job and drive, and don't speak to us unless it's absolutely necessary. Think you can handle taking us 'round the park once or twice?"

Dave tipped his hat. "No problemo, boss."

Spike offered Buffy his hand as she climbed into the carriage and he followed her up. When they were settled comfortably in the seat, Dave started Rusty toward the park. Buffy put the stake on the floor of the cab, hoping Dave wouldn't give her a reason to use it. A few minutes passed without anything bad happening, Dave did seem to be able to handle the task.

Spike sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I'm sorry about all this, Buffy. I wanted everything to be perfect..."

Buffy held his hand. "It's not like the one little problem we ran into ruined everything. I'm still happy, and I still had a great time."

Spike smiled slightly. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. It'd be weird if _nothing_ weird happened. This is Sunnydale, after all."

"It was very generous of you to not dust Stonehenge," Spike gestured at Dave, "on the spot. I s'pose you're not gonna be that charitable with other vamps?"

"Definitely not," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I stake first, ask questions later 99% of the time. Other vampires have no desire to change or better themselves. You're an exception -- you're motivated to change by love," she smiled and caressed his hand, "which is a big driving force in your life. And Dave is motivated... well, not to _change_ , but to at least behave himself, by his love of weed, which is a big, if not the biggest, driving force in his life." 

Spike leaned in and kissed her on the lips. "Smart, beautiful, kindhearted, levelheaded... and built like a brick shithouse. You're the total package, pet. You may not have noticed, but I have a tendency to fly off the handle... leap before I look."

Buffy gasped and put a hand to her chest, feigning shock. "Not _you_! That's just not true!"

Spike smirked. "You're bloody funny too, forgot to mention that quality. As I was saying, I'm a bit hotheaded, but you aren't. You can stop and think things through without shouting or hurling breakable objects against walls. We complement each other. I'll _try_ to follow your example and keep my temper in check as best I can."

Buffy smiled and leaned her head to the side, resting it on Spike's shoulder.

They silently enjoyed the ride for a few minutes.

There was something on Buffy's mind that she wasn't sure she should talk to Spike about. She didn't want to bring things down, but she needed to know.

"Can I ask you something?" Buffy asked hesitantly.

"Mmhmm... anything, luv."

"It's a serious question... What would you have done if Dru had killed me before you got to the mansion?"

Spike sat up straight and looked at her with a furrowed brow. "What would I have done? I would've been devastated... Why would you ask me something so bloody awful?" Spike had thought about that scenario, but it was simply too horrible for him to contemplate for long.

Buffy tried soothing him by rubbing his arm and shoulder. "I'm sorry... I know it's not a pleasant thing to think about, for either of us, but it was on my mind. Don't be upset."

"Don't be upset?" Spike asked in disbelief. He dipped his head and rubbed at the back of his neck. "Buffy, I can't imagine anything worse than losing you..." But she wouldn't have asked the question if it wasn't important for her to know, she deserved an answer. 

Spike took a breath and finally said, "I don't know what I would've done if I'd found you dead in the mansion instead of half-conscious. Think I might've just... snapped and tried taking out Dru and as many of her minions as I could before they could kill me."

Buffy held his hand and squeezed it. "What would you do if I died tomorrow? Am I the only thing making you want to be a better man, or would you keep trying even if I wasn't around?" It was flattering to have a man love her so much that he would go against his very nature to try and be a better person, but it was also troubling to think that, without her around, Spike would revert back to his old, evil ways.

Spike looked at her again, exasperated and getting worried. "Why are you asking me these things, Buffy? Is there something goin' on that I should know about? Are you planning a showdown with Glory?"

"There's nothing going on that you don't already know about. A showdown with Glory is inevitable, but hopefully that won't be for a while... I just want to know what you'd do if I died. Would you leave Sunnydale?"

Spike took her right hand in both of his, looking down at her hand and lightly caressing it. He said softly, "I'd want to leave..." He didn't say that he'd really want to just end it all, he didn't know how he could go on without her. "I'd want to get far away from this bloody town and the daily reminders that you're not here anymore.

"But... I couldn't just cut and run. With you... gone, there'd be a void, not just inside me and the other people who love you... but in this town, in this world. I could never hope to fill it... but I'd try. The best way I could honor you and your faith in me would be to take up some of the slack and look after the people you love. I'd feel so..." He shook his head and closed his eyes against the thought of losing her. After a moment, Spike looked up and met her eyes with his; his voice thick with emotion, he asked, "Can we please stop talking 'bout this?"

A tear ran down Buffy's cheek. She put her hands on the sides of his face and kissed him soundly. Spike wrapped his arms around her, kissing her passionately as well as a bit possessively. He didn't want to ponder what life would be like without Buffy. Her death would've destroyed him before they'd gotten close, but to lose her now... there wasn't a word invented that could describe the kind of agony and grief he would experience. 

Buffy had to eventually break the kiss to get some oxygen into her lungs. She pressed her forehead against his, keeping her hands on his face and ghosting her fingertips along his sharp cheekbones. "You don't know how much what you said means to me..." her voice cracked. "Those are the things I worry about if something happened to me. That's why I had to ask you. I go to bed every night wondering what my family and friends would do if I was gone. Who would keep them safe..." 

Spike placed a few more tender kisses to her lips and cheeks. "You don't have to worry about that anymore, pet. I promise you, I'll look after them." As much as it tore him up to even think of going on without her, he meant what he said. He'd protect her loved ones (even Xander) because that's what Buffy would want. Spike had no doubt he'd feel completely empty inside without Buffy, but he'd go through the motions and soldier on, for her. And Spike did... _care_ about the Scoobies a little -- some of them more than others. As pitiful as it was, besides Clem, Buffy's friends were the closest things Spike had to friends of his own; he had grown a _bit_ fond of those annoying sods in spite of everything.

Buffy sat back and took a tissue out of her purse to wipe her eyes. "I'm sorry... I brought our date to a screeching halt by asking those things..." Buffy pouted and groaned, "God, what's wrong with me? Yeah, great first date conversation, Buffy..." she said sarcastically.

Spike put his arm around her shoulders and pulled her gently against him. Buffy leaned against his side, cuddling with him. "It's alright, pet. I understand why you had to ask..." Spike knew the question of what would happen to the people she loved if she died had to give Buffy sleepless nights. "You've got the weight of the world on these narrow, smooth, beautiful shoulders," he said, rubbing her shoulder. "I'll do anything I, a lowly, soulless vampire, can do to ease your burden... _anything_."

Buffy sniffled and dabbed at fresh tears. She was trying not to get all boohoo-y, but what Spike was saying touched her heart -- no one had ever made a promise to her like that before, not even Angel. And knowing Spike meant it did make her feel lighter -- some of that enormous, crushing weight was lifted off of her.

Spike quickly wiped away a tear of his own. He kissed the top of her head and inhaled the scent of Buffy's hair. He couldn't stop her from doing her sacred duty, he couldn't just lock her away in a box for safekeeping, and he couldn't start treating her like a fragile porcelain doll -- but Spike would do everything in his power to make sure Buffy stayed alive and well. "That's enough gloom an' doom for tonight, yeah?" 

Buffy nodded. She hoped Spike wouldn't follow her questions up with a similar question. Buffy didn't want to think about Spike being gone, either. She didn't know what she'd do if he got dusted (or if he just left her, like all the others had) tomorrow.

Buffy's heart swelled with... what? Love? No, not exactly, but her affection for the man at her side was growing deeper with every moment she spent with him, and it made her feel like making out some more, or _a lot_ more. Even if they wouldn't be having actual sex tonight, there had to be more intense kissage and feeling up. She giggled and bit her lip, thinking of Dawn's Freudian slip; poor Dawn would never get to do it, but there was nothing preventing Buffy from feeling Spike up. She moved to sit sideways on Spike's lap and put her arms around his neck.

Spike brought his arms up around her. Some extra closeness was just what he needed right now. He cast a quick glance at Dave to make sure the stoner vamp wasn't trying to get a free show. He looked back at Buffy and smiled. "Feelin' frisky, eh?"

"I wanted to get in good kissing position. You don't mind, do you?" Buffy asked, smirking and batting her eyelashes.

Spike answered her by capturing her lips in a kiss and holding her tighter.

They went on kissing, long and deep, as the hansom cab made a circuit around the park. Dave was tempted to peek, but he kept his eyes on the road; he didn't want to give the Slayer or Master Vampire any excuse to stake him. He concentrated (his few remaining functional brain cells) on driving and ran the song 'Holy Diver' through his head to avoid the impulse to listen in on the Spike and the Slayer's private convo. 

Spike and Buffy pulled back from the kiss when they heard what sounded like a man and a woman yelling for help.

"Stop the cab!" Buffy ordered as she slid off Spike's lap.

"Bloody hell..." Spike muttered. First, they got Dru's stoned minion as their driver, and now they had to stop making out because someone was in trouble. Spike had hoped there wouldn't be any battles with demons during the date... but, as Buffy pointed out, it was Sunnydale, after all.

Buffy retrieved the stake from the floor of the carriage and slipped her high heels off as Dave brought the cab to an abrupt stop.

"D-did I do something wrong?" Dave asked nervously, afraid to look back at his passengers.

"Don't you hear those people yelling?" Buffy asked, jumping down to the ground. The man and woman's screams for help still rang out.

Dave listened for a moment, pausing the song in his head. "Oh, yeah... I hear it now."

Buffy took a few strides away from the carriage before rushing back and throwing her Pashmina onto the seat. "My mom would kill me if that got dirty. Come on, Spike!" 

Spike sighed and jumped down from the carriage. He turned to Dave and pointed to the ground. "You stay right here and wait for us; don't move. Got it?"

Dave saluted. "Got it, boss. I'll listen to some tunes 'til you come back," he said, getting his walkman out of his pocket.

Spike ran to catch up with Buffy. 

It took Buffy about thirty seconds to find the source of the yelling, the park was echo-y and it was harder to pinpoint where the voices were coming from at first. She was relieved to see the two humans were still alive by the time she finally got there.

A man and woman in their late teens or early twenties were being menaced by three well-muscled male vampires. The vamps seemed to be amused for the time being with just pushing their victims back and forth between them and making scary growling noises. 

"Vampires on steroids... just what we need," Buffy moaned. "You guys couldn't take one damn night off, huh?" Buffy asked the vampires as Spike caught up to her and stopped beside her.

"It's the Slayer!" one of the vamps hissed. He looked her over quickly. "And she looks hot!"

Buffy smiled. "Thanks. I was on a date, which you idiots interrupted. So I'm afraid I'm gonna have to dust you now. You two," she looked at the frightened couple, "get out of here. Where are you from, Mayberry? What the hell were you thinking, walking through the park late at night in this town?"

The couple took the opportunity to run now that the vampires had switched their attention to Spike and Buffy.

"Sometimes I think they almost deserve to get eaten," Spike said, shaking his head. "They could qualify for a Darwin Award."

"Spike," Buffy frowned and elbowed him, "that's not a nice thing to say."

"I said they ' _almost_ ' deserve to get eaten, luv. But just think -- they're gonna reproduce, and you'll have to save their idiot children who don't have the bloody sense not to go for a late night stroll years from now."

"Are we gonna do this or what?" the vampire who'd complimented Buffy asked testily, holding out his arms.

"Oh, I'm sorry, are we keeping you from an important appointment?" Buffy asked sarcastically. "I thought you wouldn't mind an extra minute or two of being un-dusty. Yeah, okay, let's get it over with."

All three vamps went for Buffy, ignoring Spike. Another thing Spike couldn't tolerate, along with being controlled, was being ignored. And those who did ignore him usually paid a price for it.

Spike grabbed one of the vamps and began beating on him, leaving Buffy one less to deal with. Spike took his frustration and anger out on the unfortunate vampire, growling as he punched. "All I wanted was one bloody night of trouble-free romance with m' girl. But you bloody tossers couldn't let me have that, could you?!" Spike ended the sentence with a hard punch that sent the vamp spinning away and then falling to the ground.

The vampire groaned, then looked up at Spike and snickered. "Nice suit, pretty boy!" he spat, throwing a clump of dirt at Spike.

"Eh!" Spike jumped back, but too late to avoid getting hit with the dirt. He looked down at his now dirty suit jacket. "Son of a bitch! This is Ar-bloody-mani!" He went into game face and snarled as he jumped on top of his opponent.

Buffy staked one of her vampires. As she was turning to take the other one on, he kicked the stake out of her hand and punched her in the jaw.

"Ow!" Buffy's brows knit and she shook out her hand. "You made me get a splinter, you jerk!" She wished she had one of her polished stakes to wield instead of a rough piece of a broken crate. The next time she and Spike went on a date (and there definitely _would_ be a next time), she would make sure to conceal a good stake somewhere on her body or bring a purse big enough to stash it in.

The vampire laughed and then swept her legs out from under her.

Buffy landed on her side on the ground, and she thought she'd heard a ripping sound -- it'd be just her luck if a stupid fledgling messed up her best dress. "Dammit! This is a new dress! It's a Halston, you cretin! Dry clean only! Do you have any idea how much dry cleaning costs?" She glared up at the vampire who was advancing on her again. "You are SO dead! Even more so than you already are, I mean."

The vamp tried leaping on top of Buffy. She kicked out, striking him in the chest and sending him flying backwards. 

Buffy jumped to her feet in one fluid movement. "Where's that damn stake?" she asked, doing a quick search around her.

The stake had landed near Spike after it was knocked out of Buffy's hand. He made good use of it by finishing off the vamp he was fighting. "Catch, luv," he called, throwing the stake to her.

Buffy caught it easily and staked the last vampire as he was charging at her. She shook the dust from her dress, noticing a stain and a small rip on the side. "Crap. This is why I can't have nice things."

"Are you hurt?" Spike asked with concern, walking quickly over to her.

"No, but my dress is. Wish I could bring the vamps back to life just so I could dust them again." She looked up at Spike, doing a quick visual inspection to see if he'd been injured. "Are you okay?"

Spike nodded, wiping at a bit of blood at the corner of his mouth with the back of his hand. He was much more pissed off about his fancy suit being smudged. "Wasn't what I'd call an epic battle. Sorry 'bout your dress..."

Buffy shrugged. "It's not too bad, really. The dry cleaner can get the dirt out, and I can sew the little rip on the side... well, my _mom_ will probably sew it for me if I ask... I'm not too good at sewing." She noticed the dirty spot on his jacket. "Looks like you got a little dirty, too."

Getting _this_ kind of 'dirty' wasn't what Spike had envisioned for tonight. "Let's get back to the cab... I'll take you home," Spike said with a sigh and a frown. "That tosser better still be there waiting for us."

Buffy walked next to him as they made their way back to the hansom cab, linking arms with him and wanting to see him smile again. It was funny how Spike looking sad and mopey used to make her happy, but now it just made her want to do whatever it took to cheer him up. "You usually revel in a victory, even one less than epic like this one. So why aren't you at least a little revel-y?"

"What's to revel in? Our date is ruined, along with our fancy duds," Spike lamented.

"Oh, stop it." Buffy leaned her head against his shoulder for a moment and hugged his arm. "Nothing is _ruined_. So we had a small detour on the way home, no biggie."

"Fighting those idiots wasn't part of the plan for tonight."

"Well... since when have your plans worked out the way you wanted?" Buffy asked with a small smile.

Spike snorted. "Yeah, I really shoulda known better. But... it was important for _tonight_ to go according to plan."

"There are just some things we can't control, no matter how much we wish we could -- I've learned that the hard way. For example, my birthdays, or _any_ celebrations held in my honor, are infamous for going all kinds of wrong. You put way too much pressure on yourself about tonight, Spike."

He half-shrugged, knowing that was true enough. "I wanted to give you _one_ night where you could step outside your abby-normal life and have a good time. One bloody night without vampires -- besides me, of course -- and demons and fights to the death."

"You're coming dangerously close to brooding territory again," Buffy joked.

Spike looked at her askance with a little twist to his lips. He didn't want to smile, but damn if seeing Buffy smiling at him didn't make his lips involuntarily twitch. "Careful, luv. Warned you 'bout that."

"Just wanted to point it out before you went into full brood." Then Buffy stopped walking and turned him to face her. She took his lapels between her thumbs and forefingers, holding onto him loosely.

"Spike, the only thing I regret is that we had to stop what we were doing before we heard those people calling for help. I don't know about you, but I think dusting a few vamps was a great way to cap off our evening. And I really liked the feeling of fighting with you, as a team. It just felt so... _good_ , didn't it?"

Spike couldn't help but smile back at her. "Well, yeah... I did like that bit," he admitted with a boyish grin. "You really aren't upset about the things that went wrong tonight?"

Buffy shook her head. "Nope. And nothing actually 'went wrong'. I had _fun_ staking those vamps with you. Would I have liked one night away from slaying? Sure I would. But I'm the Slayer, I don't get nights off. I didn't mind having to do my duty because I got to fight alongside you for the first time since we became a couple."

"You're right -- it was our first time -- first time's always special, yeah?" Spike smirked and put his arms around her. "I didn't get to watch you fight much, though." He nuzzled her ear, and said in rumbly voice, "I love watching you fight, pet."

Buffy closed her eyes and shivered, affected by the nuzzling and the timbre of his voice. "Never fear, I'm sure there will be many, _many_ opportunities in the future for you to watch me kick some demon ass." She was pretty sure it wasn't his cell phone she felt pressing against her this time.

* * *

They were back in the carriage and on their way to Buffy's house.

Buffy stuck the tip of her finger in her mouth. When Spike gave her a questioning look, she mumbled, "Splinter."

"Want me to take a look?" Spike asked.

She took her index finger out of her mouth and showed it to him. "I think the splinter's out, it just stings a little. Why is it that such little cuts can hurt so much?" 

Spike held her hand as he examined her finger. He smirked and cocked an eyebrow. "Want Dr. Spike to suck on it?" 

Buffy giggled. "What? My finger?"

"Somethin' else you want me to suck on? I'm open to suggestions..." He waggled his eyebrows.

A few parts of her she'd like him to suck on popped reflexively into Buffy's mind and she felt tinglies race over her skin from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She gave him a look, smiling slyly. "Cut that out."

"Just kidding, luv. Honestly, I'm not trying to pressure you about... you know."

"I don't feel pressured by you, it's okay." Buffy felt more pressured by herself and her own desire for him than she felt pressured by Spike. She reminded herself again that waiting (for at least a _few_ dates) would make their first time even better and more meaningful. "I know you're a very naughty person, and I know you let more than one opportunity to make some kind of sexual remark slide by tonight. Your head might explode if you tried holding back every comment, and it wouldn't be _you_ if you didn't say some naughty things."

Spike held her hand to his mouth and lightly licked her fingertip. "So... want me to apply my healing saliva to your poor, wounded finger?"

She bit her lip and nodded as the tingling on her skin turned into goose bumps, making her shiver slightly, despite the warm night.

Spike slid his lips around her finger and drew it slowly into his mouth. There was only a tiny trace of her blood from the splinter, but that small amount was enough to make Spike moan and his eyelids flutter. 

He was immediately taken back to the moment when he'd bitten her at the mansion -- that incident still filled him with regret and shame, especially since part of him had enjoyed it. Although he was only getting a miniscule amount of her blood compared to what he'd tasted at the mansion, this was a million times better. Buffy was voluntarily letting him have a taste this time. She was demonstrating how much she trusted him, how much she cared for him. The Buffy that existed a week ago wouldn't have considered putting her finger in his mouth for a millisecond... well, not without it being part of a knuckle sandwich, anyway, and it went without saying that she would've been repulsed if she knew it gave him any kind of pleasure. But now she was smiling at him with a sweet blush on her cheeks and her racing heart echoed in his ears like sweet music.

Spike wound his tongue around her digit, gently rubbing and sucking on it. Buffy thought it was kind of weird at first, but it didn't take long for the sensuality of what he was doing to affect her. It wasn't just the feel of his tongue on her finger, it was the way he looked at her as he did it, with his ocean blue eyes burning with desire. Her body was heating up, her panties were getting wet.

Buffy unconsciously licked her lips, and even got a bit naughty by slowly sliding her finger in and out of his mouth. She pulled back just a bit, enough to create some suction, then let him suck her finger back in. Spike smiled around her finger and winked at Buffy as he savored tasting her and the fact that she was _letting_ him taste her.

Spike thought, _'Now if she'll just let me taste the *other* thing I'm dyin' for a sip of...'_ That was on his Wish List, but he strived to keep his mind on the here and now. There would come a time for tasting the _other_ thing, he was becoming more and more certain of it with every second that passed.

The longer it went on, the more flushed Buffy's face became, the faster her heart raced, and the more she throbbed with want for him. She put her free hand over her eyes and giggled, trying to hide her hot, blushing face, as Spike continued sucking on, flicking and stroking her finger with his tongue. She had to work on not feeling embarrassed or silly with Spike. It still seemed like one of her crazy (hot) dreams in some ways -- the same guy whom she'd wanted to get rid of so badly just a week ago was now sucking on her finger and making her squirm with horniness. Part of Buffy's mind was still shell-shocked, thinking, _'Omigod, my finger is in *Spike's* mouth! *Spike* is sucking on my finger! And I *like* it!'_

Spike was getting very aroused too, he thought it was best if he stopped now. He drew back until her finger popped out of his mouth. After kissing the pad of her finger, he used a handkerchief to dry it off, and then released her hand. "There, all better. You will let me know if I do something too weird for you, won't you? I don't want to 'gross you out'."

Buffy forgot for a second what the original purpose of putting her finger in his mouth was... _'Oh right, the boo-boo from the splinter!'_

Buffy flexed her finger. "It does feel better, thanks. And it wasn't too weird -- it was strange having my finger in someone else's mouth, but it felt... nice too." Buffy didn't want to admit out loud that it was getting her hot, though Spike was obviously in on the secret. 

"You never engaged in finger sucking before? Not even just for fun?" he asked.

Buffy giggled again and shook her head no. "You, um, want me to sit on your lap again and we can kiss a little more before we get to my house?"

Spike wanted to automatically say 'yes' any time Buffy wanted to sit on his lap, but that wasn't such a good idea at the moment. She might think he wasn't sincere about his 'no pressuring for sex' promise if his hard-on was poking at her ass.

"Uh... maybe you should stay there, but yes to the snogging." Spike put his arm around her shoulders and moved in to kiss her.

"Why can't I sit on your lap? You don't want me to?" Buffy asked, disappointed. She'd thought it was a rhetorical question -- of course he'd want her to sit on his lap.

Spike looked down and cleared his throat. "Well... I do want you to... but I had a certain _reaction_ to licking your finger..." He looked back up at her, eyebrow arched.

Buffy smiled shyly, her eyes darting to and then away from his groin. "I do remember how much you seemed to enjoy licking me before... Maybe we shouldn't kiss any more tonight, then -- I don't want to be a co... a _that kind of_ tease." She looked down at her own lap, her face hot again with a renewed blush.

Spike laughed, thinking she was so bloody adorable -- she couldn't even say the word 'cock'. "Uh-uh, I'm gonna take every chance I get to sup upon your sweet lips." With Buffy staying in her seat (and off of his pointy lap), Spike put two fingers under her chin and gently turned her face to his, kissing her again.

* * *

A few minutes later, the hansom cab stopped in front of Buffy's house.

"Uh, we've, like, arrived at Chez Slayer," Dave announced, though he was worried about interrupting them while they were making out.

Spike and Buffy sighed, both thinking it was a shame the night had to end. They gave each other a few feathery-soft kisses, and then reluctantly parted. Spike hopped down from the carriage and hurried around to help Buffy out, he wanted to give her the gentlemanly treatment up to the last second of the date. 

Once they were both standing on the sidewalk, Spike told Dave, "Your services are no longer required, boy. You can go."

"You're not gonna dust me?" Dave hadn't been sure if Spike was just waiting for them to reach their last stop before he staked him.

"Don't tempt me." Spike gave him a resentful look, then rolled his eyes. "Well, someone's got to drive the bloody cab back to the stable, and I'm not doin' it. I probably _should_ dust you, but I'll give you a pass. You can thank the Slayer for that."

"Thanks, Slayer!" Dave gave Buffy a thumbs up. "You're an awesome chick... I don't care what anybody says!"

"You're welcome. But I will _personally_ hunt you down and stake you if I find out you've been feeding on people," Buffy warned.

Dave shook his head vigorously. "No! No way, I won't! I'm totally off humans, they're too much trouble." Dave squinted at them. "Y'know, you guys make a really hot couple. And it's even hotter 'cos of the whole 'verboten love' thing. You'd have, like, beautiful super-babies."

Spike rolled his eyes and knocked on the side of the carriage. "Alright, that's enough suckin' up. Go."

"Are you gonna give Clem a good report about me? You're his bud, he was like totally spazzin' about you havin' a smooth ride." Dave didn't want to get dusted, but he also didn't want to get fired. He needed this gig.

Spike regarded Dave for a few moments, and then sighed tiredly (and with a bit of disappointment that he wouldn't be staking Dave or getting him fired). "Yeah... I s'pose you've done a decent job."

"Coolio! Y'know, it's, like, customary to tip the driver when he drops you off at..." Dave trailed off, seeing the flinty-eyed, dangerous look Spike was giving him. He quickly added, "But this was totally on the house! Cowabunga, dudes!" Dave got Rusty moving quickly, just in case Spike or Buffy changed their minds. He would've liked a tip, but he figured not getting dusted probably made up for the lack of tippage.

Spike and Buffy held hands as they started walking the path to her door. Her mother had left the porch light on. Buffy hoped her mom wouldn't be turning it on and off this time.

"Lucky for Spicoli, he did do a decent job," Spike observed.

"Yep, it's a miracle, but it seems like he still has a few working brain cells. So don't yell at Clem about him sending Dave to pick us up, it worked out fine. And I don't want you thinking for even a second that the whole date was ruined because one or two little unexpected things came up."

"It didn't all go according to plan... but it was still brilliant," Spike admitted, smiling.

As they mounted the porch steps, Buffy began, "I have a confession..."

Spike looked at her sideways, wondering if he had done something wrong, after all. "That can't be good..."

"It's nothing bad," Buffy assured him. "You said you were nervous before our date, well, I was too. I wasn't as worried about things going wrong as I was worried we'd find out we couldn't stand being around each other for long periods of time just doing something 'normal'. I was afraid we'd have nothing to talk about and we'd have just too many differences. I was afraid the only thing we had in common was the whole 'mortal enemy' thing. I _really_ wanted it to go well, so I was afraid it was going to be bad just because it meant so much to me."

"There is a 'but' coming, isn't there?" Spike asked with a nervous chuckle.

" _But_ ," Buffy laughed, "I shouldn't have worried. I loved everything about tonight and every little touch you added to make it special. Thank you for giving me the best, most romantic date I've ever had. I can't imagine a better evening than the one we just spent together."

Spike grinned, but then stopped walking abruptly just as they were getting to the front door, the smile looking frozen on his face. "Bloody hell... I think I may've made a mistake..."

Buffy frowned. "Mistake? Tonight was incredible... wasn't it?" 

"It was incredible... but I set the bar too bloody high! Why didn't I think of that before?" Spike asked himself, running a hand back through his hair and loosening a few more curls. "I was so determined to make our first date perfect for you... I can't possibly top it! I've called in all the best favors people owed me... What am I gonna do for an encore now?" he groaned, putting his hand over his eyes.

Buffy smiled and pulled his hand away from his face, then kissed his cheek. "Spike, you know me better than that by now, don't you? I meant what I said before about me liking anywhere we go or anything we do, as long as we're together. Fancy stuff is fun once in a while, but I'm not a high-maintenance gal."

At Spike's skeptical look and cocked eyebrow, she chuckled and gave his shoulder a push. "Don't give me that look, I'm _not_ high-maintenance." 

Spike thought Buffy would be ready to say goodnight, but he was happily surprised when she took his hand and led him over to the porch swing. They sat down on the swing, keeping their hands joined and looking out on the dark, quiet neighborhood. Buffy wanted to make their time together last a little longer. She took his left arm and draped over her shoulders as she leaned contentedly against his side. Spike smiled and held her close.

"You must've forgotten," Buffy said, breaking the silence, "but we've already got a second date lined up to go to the Java Cafe two days from now. A pleasant evening of poetry, maybe followed by a romantic patrol through a cemetery. That can't cost too much."

"Ah, right, the poetry reading. Lookin' forward to that." Spike had forgotten about their plans, the unexpected things that happened since they'd left the restaurant had preoccupied him. "But I believe I said I'd wait to _officially_ ask you out again until this date was over."

"That's right, you did say that. Well?" Buffy asked expectantly. "You gonna officially ask me or what?"

He smirked and looked at her. "May I call on you again, Miss Summers?"

"Hmm... well, I'll have to check my calendar," Buffy started with an evil glint in her eye. At Spike's frown, she laughed lightly but then changed to a sincere tone. "Well, it appears I'm free for the next... forever... so yes, you may." Buffy smiled and kissed him softly. "You'd _better_ call on me again, or I'll come looking for you. Don't forget, I know where you live." 

Spike smiled again and shook his head slightly... no, she's not high-maintenance at all.

After another kiss, they settled back into the porch swing again. Spike gently ran his left hand up and down the side of Buffy's arm, and she marveled how even that light touch excited her. She leaned against him, putting her hand on his chest. She could feel his hard muscles under the dress shirt, and thought of how she couldn't wait to see his body all healed and flawless... 

The urge to have sex with Spike tonight wasn't easy to dismiss. She told herself, _'Stupid libido, stop with the horniness! I can't sleep with him after *one* date -- I'm not a ho. I want to put down a solid foundation for our relationship. Solid... solid like Spike's granite pecs and chiseled tummy...'_ Buffy licked her lips and moved her hand slowly around on his chest, discreetly feeling him up.

Spike raised an eyebrow but didn't say anything. Buffy was getting a little touchy-feely... which was perfectly okay with him. If she decided to change the game plan and shag tonight, he'd be perfectly okay with that too. He had a hunch that Buffy was just being affectionate, it wasn't foreplay. As much as he craved to be with her, the idea of waiting so they could build a real relationship did have a certain appeal. 

Spike held in a sigh and thought, _'God, I'm turning into quite the poof. I shouldn't've been so hard on Peaches... something about this woman turns us manly men into puddles of goo...'_

Buffy let her hand rest on the center of his chest, deciding she should stop feeling him up before the urge to do more, or move her hand _lower_ , got too strong. She cleared her throat and said, "I learned some good things about you tonight: you like poetry, you speak French, you can dance and sing, you can be a gentleman, and you can be _very_ charming."

"I learned some good things about you, too, pet. You're so bloody adorable when you're relaxed and having fun, I never got to see that side of you..." Spike kissed the tip of her nose. "Well, I have seen that side of you -- just from afar. But it's a beautiful thing to see up close. I'm not on the outside looking in anymore... can't quite believe my luck." Spike swallowed a lump of emotion, not wanting to get too emotional. It wouldn't do to look like a wuss again in front of his woman.

Buffy cuddled with him, basking in the good feelings and contentment she felt at this moment. She knew it would be like a bomb going off when they finally did give in to their passion. She wanted their first time to be romantic, and she was already mentally preparing things for that day (buying something special to wear for him, some candles for mood-lighting, and making a CD of songs like 'You Really Got A Hold On Me' to play and set a romantic atmosphere). She knew it wouldn't be long before she was ready and everything felt _right_ enough for them to take the next step. 

"Us being a couple is going to be interesting," Spike pointed out.

"I have no doubt."

"I'd be lying if I said I was never gonna piss you off and make you want to bash my head in, or punch me in the face, or..." Spike squinted. "I forgot where I was goin' with this..."

Buffy chuckled. "I hope there was a 'but' coming."

"Ah, right." Spike smiled and sat up, turning to the side to look at her. "I'm not gonna be perfect, _but_ I'll stay with you through thick an' thin, in good times and bad. You can count on me to be at your side, to be here for you. I'll never stop loving and wanting you, Buffy. That's a promise." 

Spike thought for a moment, then gently cupped her cheek in his hand, staring lovingly into her eyes. He quoted:

"Her gesture, motion, and her smiles,  
Her wit, her voice my heart beguiles,  
Beguiles my heart, I know not why,  
And yet, I'll love her till I die."

Buffy sighed happily, melting just a little bit more while gazing into his dazzling blue eyes. "Nice. Was that one of your poems?"

Spike smirked. "Uh... if you liked it, then yes, it was one of mine. If you didn't like it, a bloke named Thomas Ford wrote it."

Buffy laughed and gave her head a slight shake. She took Spike's face in her hands and kissed him tenderly, still feeling a bit lightheaded and tingly from Spike's sweet words and poem. It was scary to think that she might have never known the love and devotion this man had for her. She hadn't let herself really _see_ Spike before the incident with Drusilla. But maybe events had to unfold the way they had for both Spike and herself to get to this place, where they could both be sure of what they wanted and see each other for who they really were, to see below the 'mortal enemy' veneer and into each other's hearts.

Reluctantly, Buffy stood up. "I guess we should say goodnight. I don't want to still be sitting here when the sun comes up. I like my boyfriends non-dusty."

Spike stood and followed her to the front door. He couldn't resist putting his arms around her and kissing her again on the doorstep.

"You're... okay with the date ending like this?" Buffy asked, then bit her lip. She knew he was probably hoping for naked fun, despite their relationshippy talk.

Spike took a breath and nodded, giving her a smile. "Yeah, I'm okay with it, pet. Still the best night of my life."

"Thanks for being patient, Spike. That means a lot to me."

"I'll wait as patiently as I can for the day..." He paused and leaned in closer to her, closing his eyes for a moment while he breathed in her delicious scent. Spike opened his eyes again, looking into hers, his voice a deep purr. "The day you allow me to work your body into fits of ecstasy and passion... and total, screaming abandon."

Buffy's eyes hooded, she found it a bit hard to catch her breath, even she could hear her heartbeat reverberating in her ears. "Yeah. That sounds... uhh..." Buffy cleared her throat as she tried to get her brain to function again. "... really good." She thought, _'Ohhh... I have *no* doubt he can do that to me. I want him so bad... Give me strength, God.'_

Hearing a sound coming from inside the house broke their mutual trance, they looked at the door. It didn't appear they were being spied on, but it reminded them that they _could_ be being observed. They kissed one more time before separating.

Spike was reluctant to let go of her hands, keeping hold of them as he slowly stepped backwards towards the porch steps. "Goodnight, Buffy."

"Goodnight, Spike," she replied, just as reluctant to let go of his hands.

"I'll call you." He smiled and turned, going down the steps.

Buffy waited until he was at the end of the walk, then opened the door and went inside. She leaned her back against the door, letting out a contented sigh and smiling like a giddy schoolgirl. Her cell phone rang in her handbag, startling her. The ringtone was a tune she didn't recognize -- if she'd spent more time with Spike, she'd know it was 'I Wanna Be Sedated' by the Ramones.

"My first phone call. Who has my number? Telemarketers already?" She took the phone out of her purse and answered. "Hello?"

"Just makin' sure it works," Spike said on the other end.

Buffy giggled as she looked out the window and waved to Spike who was standing on the sidewalk near the oak tree in the front yard. "I thought I had to charge the phone before it worked? Don't you have to activate them too?"

"I charged and activated it ahead of time just so I could call you like this and you'd think I was adorable. Did it work?"

"Mmhmm. You're so adorable, I just wanna pinch your sweet cheeks." She giggled again. "And I know something naughty is going through your mind right now." She wagged a finger at him.

"I assure you, my thoughts are perfectly clean and decent." 

Buffy could hear the smirk in voice. "Uh-huh, sure they are."

"I'll drop by the Magic Box after sunset tomorrow," Spike promised. 

It worried Buffy a bit that tomorrow would be the first time her friends talked to Spike since she officially started dating him. But she tried not to get too nervous about it, she'd make the best of whatever happened. She knew one thing for sure: she was not giving Spike up, no matter how difficult her friends made it for her. "Alright, I'll be there, waiting with bells on."

"Wearing _just_ the bells?" he asked, smirking. "In that case, I'll get their much earlier."

"Stop that," Buffy scolded him with a laugh. "You're... What's the word? Incorrigible." 

"Mmm, that I am. Goodnight again, pet. Sweet dreams." 

"Goodnight again, Spike. See you tomorrow."

They hung up, both sighing dreamily.

 

_There is a Lady Sweet and Kind_

_There is a lady sweet and kind,_  
Was never a face so pleased my mind;  
I did but see her passing by,  
And yet, I'll love her till I die. 

_Her gesture, motion, and her smiles,_  
Her wit, her voice my heart beguiles,  
Beguiles my heart, I know not why,  
And yet, I'll love her till I die. 

_Cupid is winged and he doth range,_  
Her country, so, my love doth change:  
But change she earth, or change she sky,  
Yet, I will love her till I die. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The poem 'There is a Lady Sweet and Kind' is by Thomas Ford  
> * Additional dialogue by Harris/Lloyd


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buffy worries about how accepting the Scoobies will be of Spike now that she's more determined than ever to keep him by her side. Will her friends and boyfriend ever be able to get along... or will they just drive her crazy?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone for being so patient *grouphug*
> 
> Kewl banners by Edgehead and xoChantelly

 

The next day Buffy awoke with a big smile. Before she even opened her eyes, she was greeted by the sweet fragrance of the orchids on her nightstand, reminding her instantly of all the goodness of last night.

Buffy felt better and more hopeful about her future than she'd felt in a long time. She hadn't forgotten about Glory (and the multitude of other baddies she had to deal with on a regular basis), but it was reassuring to know that at least she had a man who loved and wanted her, a man who she could depend on -- and who had proven his loyalty to not only her, but her family, over and over again. Buffy hummed 'Moonlight Serenade' and 'It Had To Be You' as she showered and dressed for the day.

Joyce and Dawn were all smiles when Buffy described her date to them. Dawn was still a bit jealous, but it was nice to see Buffy so visibly happy. As much as Dawn lamented what would never be between Spike and herself, knowing her sister was happy (and falling in love -- for real, this time) took away most of the sting. 

Joyce was happy to see Buffy happy, but she did have some reservations about the new relationship. She didn't say anything negative though, not wanting to spoil Buffy's good mood.

Buffy still thought it seemed kinda crazy that it was _Spike_ who made her so happy. After all the smackdowns, venomous gibes and insults they'd hurled at each other over the years, she would never have believed it if someone told her just a few weeks ago that she'd be falling for William the Bloody. But, here she was, walking on air, Spike was her man now -- and something about it just seemed so _right_ , like this is how things were supposed to be. 

Buffy couldn't wait for date number two tomorrow night. Thoughts of their next date didn't make her as nervous as the first one had, she knew she didn't have to worry about them possibly not getting along; she knew they'd have fun. The only thing she had to worry about was keeping her libido under control.

Buffy's buoyant mood continued when she found a package outside the front door containing cell phones for all her friends, he included one each for her mom and Dawn, too. Dawn was particularly overjoyed when she got her present; she'd been the only girl in her class who didn't own a cell phone yet. Spike had followed through on the promise about the phones, and something told Buffy he would keep all the other promises he'd made the previous night. 

The little voice in the back of her mind warned her not to let herself get _too_ happy -- something bad always happened when Buffy got swept up in happiness -- 'happy' and 'Buffy' were notoriously un-mixy. But she told the little voice to piss off, she deserved to bask in the happy for a while. 

Before she left the house, Buffy’s mom asked her if she wanted Spike to come over for dinner and cake (Dawn was keen on baking him that chocolate cake, ASAP) tonight. Her mom also said she wanted to have a 'chat' with Spike about everything. That last part sounded slightly ominous to Buffy, she didn't want her mother to possibly scare Spike off again -- he'd been so skittish lately -- who knew the Big Bad could be so easily frightened away? But Joyce assured her daughter that she wasn't going to 'attack' Spike, she just wanted to have a conversation with him about his intentions toward Buffy and ask him some questions to help give her peace of mind. Buffy knew that Spike was just going to be _thrilled_ to learn about the upcoming, unavoidable chat with her mom...

And then Buffy was off to the Magic Box, she wasn't eager to have her friends put a damper on her post-date buzz, but she had to get it over with. The sooner they understood that nothing they said or did would change her mind about Spike, the better off everyone would be.

* * *

After ten minutes into her visit to the shop, her friends were still trying to act casual, but she caught their curious, anxious glances, like they were afraid to ask how the date went -- she could tell they were afraid it went badly for her, but they were more afraid that it went _well_. Buffy tried to keep in mind that they loved her and only wanted what was best for her, they didn't want her to get hurt yet again. She knew they wanted her to be happy... they just didn't want her to be happy with Spike. She really hoped that they'd come around soon; she was afraid they'd continue to make Spike feel like the unwanted outsider, and then he'd finally get sick and tired of her friends' scrutiny and just give up and leave like all the men in her life did...

Buffy sat down at the table in the main room of the shop surrounded by her friends but feeling alone for the most part. She opened up a book Giles had given her on advanced martial arts techniques. Buffy wasn't really reading it; she was just thumbing through the pages and thinking about Spike while trying to hang on to her good mood. She smiled as she replayed the date in her head again.

Tara turned in her chair to face Buffy. "I think I know by the little smile on your face, but I'll ask anyway. How did your date go last night?"

Of all the Scoobies, it was Tara who brought the subject up first. Why couldn't her oldest, dearest friends offer her the same kindness? At least there was _one_ warm, friendly face in the room. Buffy had come to value Tara, with her kind and quiet way, just as much as the others -- even more than the others right now, in fact. Well, Willow had given Buffy some strained smiles, but Buffy could tell there was a whole bunch of objections about Spike behind the red-headed witch's smiling face.

Buffy's little smile became wider as she looked at Tara, seeing that Tara really cared and was interested. "It was incredible, thanks for asking," Buffy said with a girlish grin. 

Tara had noticed the faraway look in Buffy's eyes and the secret little smile on her face. Tara knew that look --- it was the look you got when you were in love (or falling in love) with someone and an image of them would pop up in your head. You'd think about the way they looked, the sound of their voice, their laugh, and it would make you smile automatically and feel warm and tingly all over. Tara got that same dreamy look and feeling when she thought about Willow. And Buffy's aura was especially vibrant today, showing excitement, tenderness, and passion. Buffy was obviously glowy and happy about her date with Spike, Tara thought it wasn't fair that she couldn't gush about it to her friends.

Tara didn't want to make waves amongst the Scoobies, she was the newest member of the group and still a bit hesitant to speak her mind, but she felt strongly about being supportive of Buffy. After all, Buffy had been nothing but nice to Tara since they'd met and quickly accepted her as Willow's significant other -- there was that one bad conversation, but that was the evil Slayer, Faith, in Buffy's body, not the real Buffy. Living in Sunnydale took a lot of getting used to...

"Wh-where did Spike take you?" Tara asked, forging past her nervousness. Buffy looked so grateful to have a friend to talk to about the date, that alone made Tara feel it was worth the risk of pissing off the others. "I wondered what Spike would consider a fun date," she laughed. "Maybe a tour of the creepiest cemeteries in town..."

"I wondered the same thing," Buffy admitted with a laugh of her own. She turned all her attention to Tara, making a point of talking _only_ to Tara, and told her the highlights of the date: the horse drawn carriage, the fancy restaurant and delicious dinner, the dancing, how Spike spoke French, and the general awesomeness of the whole evening. Buffy kept Spike’s serenading and reciting poetry to herself for now, the others might make fun of him for it and she really liked all that stuff; she didn't want him to stop because her friends teased him about it.

"Wow, that _does_ sound incredible!" Tara agreed, grinning. " _Very_ romantic."

"Mmmhmm." Buffy nodded and that secret little smile touched her lips again as moments from the evening ran through her mind. "Spike did everything he could to make the night special for me. He knows how to woo a girl, that's for sure. Hey, I've officially been wooed."

"Who doesn't enjoy a good wooing? I know I do," Tara joked.

Buffy and Tara giggled together.

"Spike swept you off your feet, huh?" Tara playfully nudged Buffy with her elbow.

"Yep, a sweeping of my feet definitely occurred. I was kinda nervous because I didn't know what to expect before Spike picked me up, but it turned out to be my best date ever." 

Willow was feeling left out and kind of guilty for not being Supporto Gal for her best friend. She did want to make an effort at being encouraging, but it was still hard to totally get behind the idea of Buffy dating Spike. There was the potential for so much badness. Willow was a bit afraid to cheer Buffy on because she’d been completely supportive when Buffy was with Angel, and that hadn’t worked out so well... and she'd even sort of helped Riley get in good with Buffy and had encouraged Buffy to date him and... well...

"Where'd he get the carriage?" Willow jumped into the conversation. She had to make more of an effort -- whether Buffy and Spike’s relationship turned out to be good or bad, Buffy was her best friend; she’d be there for Buffy no matter what. "I didn't know they had those in Sunnydale."

"As if you really care?" Buffy asked coolly. "How nice of you to at least _pretend_ \-- that's more than Giles, Xander, or Anya has done." 

"I'm not pretending... I _do_ care, Buffy," Willow insisted with a pout. "It's just... I think we're _all_ just a little worried about you."

"I'm enjoying talking to Tara," Buffy said, putting a hand on Tara's arm. "It's actually _pleasant_ to talk to Tara about it, she's the only one who actually gives a shit and doesn't have that disapproving frown." Buffy demonstrated the frowny look she'd seen on her friends' faces ever since she first told them she had feelings for Spike.

Anya talked as she set up a display case, "I _wanted_ to ask about your date, Buffy, but Xander said I shouldn't."

"Oh?" Buffy gave Xander a brief scowl, and then looked at Anya. "And do you do _everything_ Xander tells you?"

"No, of course I don't," Anya answered, her brows knit. "Unless we're role-playing and I'm pretending to be his sex slave, of course." 

Buffy rolled her eyes and hoped this wouldn't turn into a 'TMI' conversation. She really didn't want to hear about Xander's sexual fantasies...

"But," Anya continued, "I did what he told me to do outside of a sex game because there's always a chance you'll start breaking things if you get angry -- you could cause thousands of dollars in property damage with your Slayer strength -- and I don't want my shop being smashed up."

Giles looked at Anya over the rims of his glasses. " _Your_ shop, is it?" 

Anya corrected herself, "Um, I mean I don't want _Giles'_ shop being smashed up; I care because I'm employed here and I also take pride in it..."

Xander took another shot at making Buffy see that Spike was a bad guy. "You do realize that Spike most likely _stole_ all the money he used to pay for your wonderful, fantastical, fairy tale date, don't you? It doesn't bother you that he used dirty money to wine and dine you?"

"I know how Spike was able to afford all the wonderfulness, he didn't steal to pay for any of it," Buffy informed him. "Spike went to a lot of trouble to make sure nothing would get in the way of me enjoying the evening, like me worrying about where he got the money to pay for everything, for instance. We talked about it and I'm satisfied with his answer; I believe him." She wanted to stick her tongue out at Xander and sing-song "na-na-na-na-naaa", but decided against it.

Buffy seemed so confident, Xander didn't have any counterargument at the moment, but he was still unconvinced. There was no way Spike got the money for that date legitimately... no way.

Buffy had the cell phones Spike acquired for her friends in her purse, she hadn't given them the gifts yet. She'd wanted to see what kind of reaction she got from the Scoobies after her first date with Spike before she gave them the phones. She'd been leaning toward not giving them the thoughtful gifts at all since they didn't even ask her how it went. Who knows how long they would've waited to say anything if Tara hadn't broached the subject.

But Buffy quickly reconsidered being spiteful about it, maybe giving them the phones would show them that Spike was trying to be a team player, make them see him in a new light like she had -- whether they deserved a gift or not. And hopefully they'd feel a little bit bad (or maybe even more than a 'little bit') when they saw that Spike was being more gracious to them than they were being to him. 

Buffy put her big purse on the table and unzipped it. "Spike gave me some presents for all of you. Do you want them?"

The Scoobies were taken aback for a moment. Spike was buying them presents? He had to be really desperate to get on their good sides.

"Are the presents ticking?" Xander asked, looking suspiciously at her purse and leaning back in his chair. He wouldn't put it past Spike to blow them up so he'd have nobody standing in his way and could have Buffy all to himself. "Maybe we should submerge them in a bucket of water before trying to open them, or get one of those remote controlled robots the S.W.A.T. team uses."

Buffy rolled her eyes and took the phones out of her purse, setting them down on the tabletop. "They're not ticking, but they are prepaid. Enjoy." 

Anya grinned and bounced on her heels as she chose a phone. "Ooh, I love presents! We were just talking about getting phones the night we were looking for Buffy and found Spike drunk and belligerent in the cave below his crypt. Spike was so intoxicated, I'm surprised he remembered. This was very nice of him," she said, taking her phone out of its box.

"See?" Buffy smiled, looking vindicated. "Spike's capable of doing nice things."

Xander doubted Spike did it for any reason other than to impress Buffy -- with the added bonus of possibly scoring points with her friends. But he was certain Spike didn't get them something simply because he was _nice_. Spike was incapable of doing something nice without an ulterior motive. Though, even Xander had to admit the phone was pretty cool...

Giles nodded favorably, thinking how much the Scoobies could benefit from having better communication. Cell phones were something they should have invested in long ago. "These should prove very useful. It was... quite considerate of Spike to get them for everyone."

Buffy looked at her mentor, wishing he'd witnessed the way Spike chose her and defended her against Drusilla. Maybe if Giles had seen with his own eyes how fiercely Spike had fought for her life, he'd be more willing to give Spike a chance. "Spike wants to make this work, Giles. He can be an important part of the team if everyone would just un-clench and give him a chance to prove himself. He's really changed, I saw how much he's changed since we first met him, and he's committed to keep changing for the better." 

There were a lot of arguments Giles wanted to make to the contrary, but he settled for saying, "I pray you're right."

"I am," Buffy said with a confident nod of her head.

"One thing still doesn't make sense about you and Spike," Xander began, then paused. "Well, a lotta stuff about you and Spike doesn't make sense -- but one question in particular nags at me."

Buffy sighed, her patience was about to be tested. "Okay, I'll bite, what doesn't make sense to you, Xander?" she asked unenthusiastically. 

"Spike helped you escape from Dru, so you were pretty happy with him after that, right?"

"Yeah, of course I was."

"So how come he was all drunk, depressed and suicidal when we saw him at the crypt later? The things he said sounded like you'd shot him down -- and not in a 'letting him down gently' kind of way."

Buffy had to think fast, she didn't want her friends to know about the shrine -- there was no way they'd cut Spike a sliver of slack if they knew about that. "Um," she shifted uncomfortably in her chair, "Spike and I were both exhausted, in pain, and we really needed rest... we had an argument that got blown way out of proportion. We'd had the night from hell, neither of us were able to think straight by the end."

"What was the argument about?" Xander asked curiously.

"That's... between me and Spike; it's private," Buffy said with a look that told Xander he shouldn't bother asking again, she wasn't going to share. "Anyway, it doesn't matter now, we talked everything out and made up."

"How was the sex?" Anya asked, her eyes wide with excitement. That's what she really wanted to know about their date. "I bet it was unbelievable... I mean, a vampire with that body... I'll bet he went for hours and hours! He probably knows lots of _advanced_ techniques, too."

Xander groaned and rubbed his eyes, Tara blushed and looked down at the table, Willow looked up at the ceiling and shook her head, and Giles predictably took off his glasses and polished them on the way to his office, pretending he hadn't heard that question and praying he didn't hear anything Buffy might say in reply.

Buffy spluttered for a few moments, blushing brightly. She thought she'd be used to Anya's brazenness (and rudeness) by now, but the ex-Vengeance Demon could still render her speechless. "N-none of your business!" she stammered out.

"Hmm, that means it was bad, or there wasn't any." Anya looked up in thought, wondering which it was. "It's hard to believe Spike would be bad in bed -- he virtually _oozes_ sex appeal and he's had a century of practice -- but it's also hard to believe that you wouldn't sex him up at the first opportunity. You could cut the sexual tension between you and Spike with a knife. Even when you two supposedly hated each other, there was that vibe -- that heavy, sexual, electric, wanna-get-naked and ride --"

"Ahn!" Xander interrupted. "Please stop," he begged with a shudder, "the last thing I want to think about is them doing the horizontal rumba." 

Anya sighed, her shoulders slumping for a moment. "Fine, I'll stop. And really -- Spike and Buffy getting lusty is the _last_ thing you want to think about, Xander? I think it'd be extremely hot, they're better looking than the actors in the porn films we watch. I guess it might be a little strange, since we know them and they're not anonymous Z-list actors, but it'd still be hot."

Buffy's eyes widened further. "God, Anya, stop saying things like that! Do you ever have a thought that doesn't immediately come flying out of your mouth without a detour through the network censors?" 

"I say what's on my mind. I wish more people were like me -- honest and straightforward -- but all of you keep what you _really_ think or want to say a secret. I don't know how it's possible," Anya said disappointedly, "but, with two lesbian witches, a kinky boy like my Xander, and Giles... who probably rocked the casbah a lot in his youth, this group is a bunch of giant, stick in the mud prudes."

Giles was doing his best not to listen, but Anya taking yet another jab at his age slipped through and made him grumble. _'I'm not that bloody old! Anya's chronologically older than me by a millennium, she's got bloody cheek to call me old! I have half a mind to take her over my knee and...'_ He stopped when the visual in his mind of spanking Anya became a bit more exciting than he thought it would be. _'I really need a girlfriend ... '_ He shut the office door to block out any further insulting (or stimulating) comments.

Willow heaved a sigh. "Yeah, it's a shame we all can't be as enlightened as you, Anya. We could chitchat about our sex lives, and everything else that should stay special and personal between two people, all day long." 

"And you're _sarcastic_ prudes, too." Anya shook a Voodoo doll at Willow before putting it in the display case. "Now be quiet, Buffy was about to tell us more juicy details about her date."

"I'm not telling you any juicy stuff, so just forget it," Buffy said firmly and crossed her arms, hoping to put an end to that specific topic. 

"I bet you'll tell Willow about all the juice," Anya groused, rearranging the Voodoo dolls into a more visually pleasing configuration that would be more likely to catch a browser's eye. "It's not right that Willow gets to hear about it and I don't -- she doesn't even like having heterosexual sex. I'll bet she doesn't even think Spike's attractive." 

"Nope, I won't be sharing with Willow either, don't worry." Buffy glimpsed at Willow, who was getting pouty and feeling worse for not being there for Buffy all along. 

Buffy looked at the clock on the wall with anticipation, counting down the hours until sunset when she'd see Spike again. She couldn't wait to hear his voice, his laugh, to gaze into those penetrating blue eyes that you could lose yourself in... his chiseled cheekbones and jaw... his perfect, oh-so kissable lips... His voice echoed in her mind as she recalled the romantic poems he'd recited to her throughout the night, the way his eyes had locked with hers, the rough-yet-smooth timbre of his voice as he spoke... That sexy bastard could make her damp in the panties almost effortlessly.

Buffy blinked, coming out of her little reverie. A few minutes had passed while she'd contemplated Spike's sexiness. It had been a long time since she'd actually lost minutes while daydreaming about a guy -- yep, she had it bad for the Big Bad. She mused that she was probably feeling so giddy and schoolgirly because of all the years she'd spent repressing any attraction to Spike. There was a lot of pent-up lusting behind the emotional dam Buffy had constructed, just waiting to burst forth.

Buffy discreetly checked around her to see if anyone had noticed her zoning out while she'd been thinking about Spike. The only eye she caught was Tara's who gave her a knowing smile, and then looked back down at a textbook she'd been reading. Buffy didn't mind if Tara caught her daydreaming about Spike and how he made her feel; that was another thing she liked about Tara, she was non-judgey. 

Buffy sighed and looked at the clock again. She needed to see Spike, to have him wrap his arms around her and make her feel good again. The wait already felt like an eternity.

* * *

Spike found it difficult to sleep more than a few hours, he was too keyed up and happy to sleep. But when he did sleep, visions of Buffy danced in his head. In one of his dreams, Buffy had kissed him sweetly and run her fingers through his hair as they made out in the hansom cab. Another dream featured a Buffy who practically ripped his clothes off and then pounced on him like a tigress. Thinking about either dream (mild or caliente) made Spike smile.

Spike had felt like singing and dancing like Gene Kelly in 'Singing in the Rain' on his way home last night, wanting to jump up and click his heels and swing from lampposts. Last night was like a beautiful dream -- except for the bits with Dave and those tossers in the park. But even the unexpected nuisances seemed somehow appropriate in hindsight, and Buffy didn’t seem bothered by any of it. 

Spike must have replayed the evening in his head a hundred times. If he hadn't already been sure that Buffy was his destiny before the date, he would be positive about it now. They just _clicked_. Everything about the way they interacted was so different, so much better than it used to be. 

His lips still tingled from Buffy's sweet, passionate kisses, his hands still burned from touching her silky skin. There were sparks and heat between them, but there was also a comfortable, contented feeling that Spike hadn't felt since his salad days with Drusilla. An emotional bond was forming between them, the affection wasn't one-sided any longer. If just snogging with Buffy had him this worked up, he thought he might spontaneously combust when they finally shagged. But that was a risk he was very willing, ready, and able to take.

Spike's demon would always be with him, he had no illusions that it wouldn't sometimes be a struggle to do the right things day in and day out. But his demon didn't control him, not anymore. Loving Buffy had made him a changed man. And after the way she'd responded to him and the promises he'd made last night, Spike never wanted to go back to being the way he was. He knew there would be times in the future when his willpower would be tested, but he was strong enough to make it through. 

The fact that he'd be the first vampire in history to choose to be good, _without_ a soul, also appealed to him. Spike was a rebel, he thumbed his nose at convention and broke all the rules. Humans with souls could be evil, so why couldn't the opposite be true? Vamps without souls could change too -- if they wanted to, that is. And they'd have to want it bad. With Buffy's love being his ultimate reward for good behavior, Spike definitely wanted it (and her) _bad_.

There really had been a fundamental shift inside him that night at the mansion. Maybe Dru bringing his bad old-self back out had made him more determined not to be that man anymore. It made Spike realize how far he'd really come since he'd first arrived in Sunnydale, and he didn't want to go back. Changing his life so drastically at this stage and giving his heart to another woman was scary, no doubt about it. But Spike was ready. 

Spike had spent so much time since his chipping being troubled and pondering where he belonged in the world, but that was one worry he could now put to rest. He knew he belonged with Buffy, he just had to stay the course, be strong and true, and be the man she deserved.

Buffy was his girl, she cared for him, he saw the light of love blooming in her eyes when she looked at him last night. She might not be head-over-heels in love with him yet, but that brilliant gleam in her eyes told him she _would_ be. Spike vowed to keep proving to Buffy every day that he was worth it, she wasn't wrong to trust him with her bruised and battered heart. And hopefully she would take good care of his heart in return.

Spike attempted to watch a movie on TV to pass the time, but all he could think about was seeing Buffy again. "Bugger this!" Spike announced to his empty crypt, standing up. "I'm gonna go see my girl." He smiled as he went to gussy up a bit for Buffy.

* * *

Buffy didn't know if she could wait until sunset. She thought, _'Maybe I should go to the crypt and surprise him? But guys usually don't like it when their girlfriends just pop in... although I popped in a lot when I used to hate him too. And I'll be giving him a nice kiss instead of a punch in the face like I used to. So maybe he wouldn't mind if I showed up. But I don't want to seem too geeky and needy, he said he'd come by here, so I should probably just wait... '_ It was hard to concentrate on anything else besides Spike. She wanted to see him so badly that she could practically feel his presence in the room...

"'Ello, all," Spike's voice came from the doorway that led down to the storeroom.

Buffy looked up and smiled at seeing Spike leaning casually against the doorframe, his thumbs hooked into his belt. Apparently he couldn't wait to see her either. Buffy's heartbeat sped up, the tingling became more pronounced in certain areas of her body which were generally unaffected by the presence of a vampire. Under his leather duster Spike had on a pair of black slacks instead of his usual jeans, and an electric-blue colored shirt, and he wore his platinum hair slicked back. He was looking mighty scrumptious.

"H-hi, Spike." Tara smiled and waved, trying to make him feel welcome. The others either waved or said hello too, so as not to seem rude and upset Buffy.

"What were you doing down there?" Anya asked suspiciously.

Spike shrugged. "Nothin'. I came through the sewer entrance. I reckoned it was safer than running about town with a blanket covering me. I've outgrown my whole bursting into flames phase..."

"You better not have stolen anything while you were down there..." Anya informed him tersely.

"I didn't nick anything, Anya, relax." Spike stood up straight and held his arms out, then asked with a smirk, "Wanna frisk me?"

Anya didn't respond for a moment, then started walking toward him. "Hmm, that might not be a bad idea." She could make sure he didn't steal anything _and_ cop a feel or two while she was at it.

Buffy didn't react for a few seconds, she was taken back to the dream she'd had in which Spike invited her to frisk him. Was this a part of the dream coming true or just a coincidence? Come to think of it, the way he'd been standing in the doorway was the same pose he'd struck in her Dru-induced hallucination/fantasy. It was hard to know what meant nothing and what might be significant when it came to her dreams, she made a mental note to talk to Tara about it, since Tara had mentioned dabbling in dream interpretation once (and Tara was the only one Buffy would feel comfortable talking with about anything Spike-related). 

Buffy jumped up from the table once she was able to get her mind to focus again. "Uh-uh, I don't think so." She stepped into Anya's path and held a hand up. "If Spike needs a frisking, I'm the one who'll do it."

"Don't fight over me, girls," Spike joked. "But Buffy's right, any patting down of my bod will be done by her from now on." 

"Alright, but you frisk him good, Buffy. Make sure he's not hiding something." Anya was disappointed, but went back around the counter to the cash register; counting money always cheered her up. "I'd pat down his crotch area thoroughly if I were you -- you never know what he could be hiding there!"

Spike smirked. "That's just good advice." His licentious smirk changed fluidly into a boyish, almost shy smile as Buffy turned to him and made eye contact. Spike felt his insides go gooey when their eyes met. _'Yeah, there's definitely something about this woman... turns men to mush.'_

They batted their eyes at each other. 

"Hi," Buffy said demurely. 

"Hello, cutie." Spike smiled at her from under his lashes.

"You're here early, the sun's still up," Buffy observed, glancing at the front window of the shop.

"I couldn't wait and thought why not just pop in. I had to see you again." Spike leaned forward and placed a tender kiss on her lips. 

Buffy didn't care that her friends might not like seeing her kiss Spike -- she'd been waiting all day to kiss him again. Her eyes closed, sharing a brief but very sweet kiss with her man. 

Spike smiled, pulling back slightly. "I've been wanting to do that again since we said goodnight."

"Me too." This is exactly what Buffy needed to give her an emotional boost again, just having Spike here with her lifted her spirits and made her feel all warm inside. She was struck again by how differently she thought of him now, and how different he made her feel, compared to the way it was just a few weeks ago. 

"And these eyes..." Spike lightly cupped her face in his hands, his thumbs brushing over her cheekbones. He gazed into her eyes, smiling softly. "I dreamt about these eyes... these twin green pools of the deepest soul I've ever known. I could get lost exploring these eyes..."

Buffy sighed and tilted her head, melting under his gaze. "Oh..."

"Oh, brother," Xander groaned. "There are other people in the room, y'know? I ate a doughnut a half hour ago and it ain't gonna stay down if I have to hear more of that syrupy crap. A jelly doughnut is less gooey!"

Spike's eyes darted to Xander, his upper lip twitched into an almost-snarl. But then he looked back at Buffy and smiled easily again, his expression softening. He gave her lips another kiss before dropping his hands back down to his sides.

"How's your dress, luv? Not beyond repair, I hope."

"Huh? Oh, the Halston -- my mom said it can be fixed -- no problem."

"Good, I was worried it was wrecked. I'd _love_ to see you in it again. Looked so bloody gorgeous, like a movie star, you did."

"Well, given my lack of an actual income and Sunnydale's inability to attract a Sak's, I'd say chances are good you'll be seeing it again. I'd like to see you in that Armani suit again, too... looking all polished and classy. You clean up nice."

"You don't like what I got on now?" Spike asked, doing a slow turn and holding his arms out.

"Oh, I do like it," Buffy confirmed, widening her eyes as she took in his new ensemble. "And I like that you're taking my advice on all things, including fashion. Do another spin for me," Buffy said, smiling saucily.

Spike laughed and spun around again before striking a male model-like pose, puckering his lips and sucking in his cheeks.

"Mmhmm, very nice," Buffy nodded, looking him over appreciatively. "That shirt's a little tight, isn't it? Not that I'm complaining." She definitely wasn't complaining, the tight, blue shirt molded itself to Spike's muscular torso. And the blue of his shirt really brought out the dazzling deep blue color of his eyes -- funny how she'd never let herself notice just how gorgeous Spike's baby blues were in the past.

Spike shrugged, then held his coat out so Buffy could see all of the shirt. "Yeah, it is a touch too tight -- it's my Superman shirt. I'm gettin' into superhero mode."

Buffy laughed, "Yeah! All you need is a big, red S on your chest."

"Ha," Xander rolled his eyes and protested quietly, "like _he_ could be Superman..." The comic book geek in Xander was annoyed at Spike comparing himself to the Man of Steel. "Superman would so whup his ass..."

"You gonna wear tights too?" Buffy asked Spike, raising and lowering her eyebrows. "And a cape? I'd like to see you in a stylish cape -- capes are coming back, ya know."

Spike smirked. "Maybe... you'll have to wait an' see. I've got a few other different outfits I can model for you later."

Buffy wanted to ask Spike to take off the coat so she could admire the rest of him, but didn't want to test her friends' tolerance (or Xander's gag-reflex) too much yet. As if reading her mind, Spike took his coat off and draped it over the back of a chair. Buffy liked how trim and slim Spike looked -- and there was no coat to block her view of his butt, she definitely liked that.

"Speakin' of fashion..." Spike leaned in close to Buffy and whispered in her ear, "Got those bells on, pet?" He made a show of looking her up and down. "I'm not seein' any..."

"Maybe they're just in a place you can't see right now," Buffy whispered back, being a bit naughty. She thought she probably shouldn't tease Spike like that, the waiting to get physical was already hard on... _difficult for_ him.

Spike bit his tongue to keep from asking if she'd take him somewhere private and show him the bells. He had to give himself a mental slap in the face to stop thinking about where Buffy could hide bells on her naked body.

Spike sniffed and smiled at the others, figuring it was time to try and make nice with them, and it would help him think of something other than Buffy's body. "So... how fares the Scooby gang this fine day? Any new demons that need slaying?"

"No, just the same old ones that still need a jolly good slaying..." Xander offered, looking pointedly at Spike.

Giles came out of his office, pausing his walk to the counter when he saw Spike. He looked quickly at Buffy and tried to be affable. "Hello, Spike... How are you?”

"Hello, Rupert. I'm just grand, thanks for askin'." Spike put his arm around Buffy's waist, holding her loosely. "Matter of fact, ’ve never felt better."

"Thank you for the present, Spike!" Anya interjected, holding up her cell phone.

"Think nothing of it, luv," he said with a humble shrug and wave of his hand. "Just tryin' to do my part. It's 'bout time your gang joined the 21st century."

"Yes, that was very... thoughtful of you," Giles said begrudgingly.

The others thanked Spike for the cell phones too. Xander mumbled his thanks faintly, it still felt _wrong_ to thank Spike for anything.

Anya looked at her phone as she talked, "Are they suitable for texting purposes?"

"Yeah, I think so. They're top of the line," Spike told her. 

"I really want to try this thing I heard about called 'sexting'. I can send Xander a sexy message while he's at work and get him all revved up so he'll ravish me when he gets home. I can't wait to try it!" The others groaned, but Anya didn't seem to notice (or care about) their disapproval. 

Spike's stomach rolled at the thought that, by giving them the phones, he was helping Xander 'get some'. He tried his best to push that thought from his mind. Xander had found Spike's sweet, poetic words to Buffy nauseating? If Spike had to hear any more details about Xander's sex life, he was going to be seriously, copiously ill. 

Thankfully, the next words out of Anya's mouth had nothing to do with sex. "Buffy said the phones were prepaid -- I don't know why she felt it was necessary to say that. Aren't all gifts 'prepaid'... otherwise they aren't really gifts?"

"It means that the phones are paid up for six months," Spike explained. "You won't have to worry about a bill 'til then."

"Wait..." Anya's brow furrowed, "you mean I have to pay for my own gift? That violates the rules of gift-giving!"

"I'm not payin' for your bloody phone calls -- or sexting! -- for the rest of your life," Spike replied gruffly. "I was feelin' generous, but I ain't _that_ bloody generous." 

Buffy put her arm around Spike's back, giving Anya a hard look. "You can afford it, Anya. And you were thinking about getting one anyway. Spike did something nice for all of us, and it's something that might end up saving one of our lives. Show some gratitude."

"I'm sure the mobiles will be very useful to us. It was very considerate... Thank you, Spike," Giles said graciously.

Buffy smiled at Giles. It made her feel good to see that he was at least trying to be nice to Spike for her sake.

Willow wanted to show Buffy that she was trying too. "Spike, Buffy told us what happened, how you helped her escape from Dru and her goons. We were trying spells to find her that night but nothing worked. Thanks for helping Buffy when we weren’t able to."

"No need to thank me for that, Red," Spike said modestly. "Though, it _is_ nice to hear. I wasn't going to let anything happen to Buffy. I realized just how deeply I love her that night..." He turned his head and pressed a lingering kiss to Buffy's forehead. Buffy smiled and leaned against him.

Spike was grateful that Buffy apparently did keep some things that happened that night secret from her friends, like the biting and the shrine. He didn't think the Scoobies would be giving him any slack whatsoever if they knew about those things.

Spike changed to a different, more lighthearted topic. "Now that I'm a member of your exclusive club, is there a secret handshake I should know? Do I get an official decoder ring or t-shirt?"

"You'd better not get anything -- I wasn't given any initiation presents," Anya said, and then looked at Tara. "They didn't give you anything, did they?"

Tara thought for a moment and smiled. "Well, I did get the gift of new friends and the good feeling that goes along with being accepted into a group of people who make a real difference in the world."

"But no _real_ presents, right?" Anya asked pointedly. "I got jack squat, it wouldn't be fair if you got anything."

Tara shook her head no -- giving up on trying to get Anya to see the good in just being accepted, regardless of the lack of swag.

Xander turned to Spike. "You're not automatically a member of the Scoobies just because you're dating Buffy. But I do like the decoder ring idea..."

"Everyone else who's ever dated one of you has been brought into the fold. Why not me?" Spike wondered aloud.

Xander raised his brows. "You really want me to list all the reasons?" 

"Xander..." Buffy said warningly.

Spike took a breath and forced himself to smile as he met the younger man's eyes with his own. "Well, s'pose I'll just have to prove my worth before I get the Scooby seal of approval, then. Might even save your fat arse one of these days, Harris... _Might_."

"Got any more psychotic ex-girlfriends waiting in the wings, Spike? Anyone we should expect to crawl out from under her rock and try to kill Buffy?" Xander asked jovially.

Spike gave Xander a look that said his patience was wearing thin. "No, 've got just the two psychotic exes. I don't see either of 'em being a problem again."

"A-are you sure Drusilla won't come back?" Tara asked. Talking to Spike still made her nervous, he was a vampire, after all. But he had helped prove Tara wasn't a demon (like her family had made her believe for so long), even though he had nothing to gain except a bad headache from it. And Spike had to be okay if Buffy thought so. 

"Can't know for sure..." Spike growled quietly, angry at himself again for not taking Dru out of the picture permanently. "But I've got a feeling Dru won't be back. But if she _does_ come back to SunnyD, she won't have time to cause trouble again. I’ll see to it that she doesn’t.”

Xander just couldn't help himself from messing with Spike some more. Maybe if Spike got angry and said or did something nasty, if he let his _real_ colors show, Buffy might reconsider her decision to date him. "I don't blame Dru and Harmony for wanting to kill you -- 'cause hey, who _hasn't_ wanted to kill you -- but I don't like Buffy getting caught in the middle of your twisted little lover's spats."

Spike fired back, "It's a good job none of the birds you've bedded ever wanted you back. Once they wised up, they just counted their lucky stars, wondered what the bloody hell made them want you in the first place, and moved on."

"Hey," Anya objected, walking over to Xander and resting her hands on his shoulders, "my Xander is a wonderful man who any woman would consider herself lucky to be with. He's sweet and kind and loving. And he's a Viking in the sack. And he has a fine butt. I heard what you said about his butt being fat before. That's not true, it's meaty yet firm."

Spike scrunched up his face, not wanting to think about Xander's ass for even a moment. "I'll take your word for it, Anya..." 

"And, anyway," Anya continued, calming down, "most of the women Xander's dated have been demon-insects or malevolent mummies and Buffy slayed them already... Otherwise they would've wanted him back."

"Seems like they got off easy to me -- they were probably beggin' to be slain after sleeping with Harris," Spike remarked with a sneer. Arguing with Anya wasn't something Spike wanted to do, he actually liked her -- despite her abysmal taste in men. "Why don't you let Floppy Boy fight his own battles? If he wants to 'ave a go at me, he should do it on his own and not 'ave his girl jumping to his defense."

"You can't talk to her like that, Bat Boy!" Xander warned him, standing up and glaring at Spike.

"What? I'm not s'posed to respond to her when she’s talking to me? And I didn't insult her, I insulted _you_ , you bloody git." Spike growled. "Grow a pair of bollocks and --"

"Hey!" Buffy snapped, getting their attention. They stopped and looked at her. "Cut that shit out right now. Nobody's 'having a go' at anyone and I think we have enough 'bollocks' to go around without anyone growing any more. Stop fighting, I'm getting pissed."

"Do what she says," Anya said in a worried tone. "We don't want her going berserk and smashing up my sh-- ...my good friend and employer _Giles'_ shop."

And that put an end to the quarreling... for a while, anyway.

* * *

The Scoobies went about mundane tasks since there wasn’t any new business to discuss or attend to. Tara and Willow studied for their classes at the table, Giles and Anya took care of the shop and customers, and Xander helped Anya move some inventory up from the stockroom. Buffy had a few things to do so she asked Spike if he wanted to hang out for awhile, thinking it would be good for her friends to get used to him being around. Spike had said yes, he’d just hang out -- even though he really didn’t want to -- not that he didn't want to be with her... he'd just rather have her all to himself.

It didn’t take long for Spike to get painfully bored. He’d prefer to be spending time alone with Buffy, but she was at the table with the witches, reading up on info about Glory and the 'Key'. Spike wanted to ask Buffy if she felt like sparring in the training room, both to spar and just to have some alone time. But he didn’t want to keep Buffy from her Slayer studies or duty, it was vital for her to fill her head with knowledge about the ongoing threat that Glory posed; she might learn something that could help them defeat the Hell Bitch and save Dawn's life -- Spike wouldn't dream of interfering with that. And he didn’t want Giles to start accusing him of distracting Buffy from what was important.

As he observed the Scoobies, Spike tried to dismiss the feeling that he didn’t belong here. The Slayerettes were comfortable with each other and going about their routines, but Spike didn’t know what he should be doing. Should he try to make conversation with them? Should he (though he loathed the idea) offer to help Rupert or Anya with anything? Should he grab a book and read quietly? Spike felt like an awkward third... or seventh, wheel, and he hated feeling that way. He’d felt like that all the time back when he was mortal and he had no desire to go back there again.

He briefly wondered why feeling unwelcome amongst the Scoobies bothered him now when it hadn’t bothered him much (or at all) before. The answer was that he actually cared now if they wanted him here or not. He needed their acceptance for his budding relationship with Buffy to stand a chance.

_‘Give it time, mate,’_ Spike told himself. _‘This is only Day One, it’ll get better...’_

Spike wandered over to a bookshelf, idly browsing the titles just to pass the time until Buffy was done with what she was doing.

Xander was taking a break from helping Anya with inventory. He saw Spike off by himself and decided to take the opportunity to ask a question or two. 

"You seem to have recovered," Xander commented casually as he came up beside Spike.

Spike looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "Recovered from what, your scathing wit? Yeah, somehow I pulled m’self together.”

"No, I meant you recovered from your bad case of the drunken crazies the last time I saw you at the crypt."

Spike clenched his jaw for a few moments. "Yeah, I'm all better now. Why'd you have to tell Buffy I was suicidal? I bloody well wasn't suicidal. You worried her for nothing."

"I just called it like I saw it -- call me wacky, but a guy who's all drunk, weepy, making with the crazy-talk and saying he didn't care if he died kinda seemed suicidal to me. And I didn't think Buffy would worry about you. The only thing she worried about you doing in the past was causing more trouble for us. I thought she might celebrate the fact that you were looking to shuffle off the immortal coil."

Spike thought it would be fun to make Xander feel stupid, a quote queued up in his head. He recited:

“To sleep, perchance to dream – ay, there's the rub:  
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,  
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,  
Must give us pause – there's the respect  
That makes calamity of so long life.”

After a few moments, Xander responded by saying, “Huh? Are you drunk again?”

Spike snorted. “I thought so -- you didn’t know the context of the phrase. Try cracking a book every once in a while, Special Ed."

Giles was nearby and couldn’t help but overhear. “That’s Hamlet... You’re acquainted with the works of Shakespeare, Spike?”

"Can't live for-bloody-ever and not pick up a thing or two, Rupert. And that was Hamlet, Act three, Scene one, to be exact.” Spike didn't feel ready to tell them he'd actually been an upper-class gentleman once upon a time... maybe he'd share details about his mortal life with them someday, but not yet. He wouldn't leave himself open to more mockery from certain members of the Scoobies.

Giles went back to work, surprised that Spike could quote the Bard so handily, and Giles had heard Buffy mention that Spike spoke French when she was telling Tara about the date. It seemed that Spike had kept a cultured side secret from everyone. Someone who had a love of Shakespeare couldn’t be all bad... Maybe there really was hope for Spike, after all.

Spike continued the conversation with Xander, hoping to aggravate him a bit more; it was quickly becoming his favorite way to pass the time until he could get Buffy alone. "You were so bloody sure I was behind Buffy's disappearance... _And_ I haven't heard an apology from you yet."

Xander stared blankly at him. "...Apology? You want _me_ to apologize to _you_? After all the bullshit you've put us through and the rotten things you've done to us? Are you nuts?" He shook his head and blinked. "Yes, I'm sooo sorry I thought you would want to hurt or kill Buffy -- even though you've tried to kill all of us, or tried to get us killed, several times over the past few years. I was so very wrong to think the worst of a stand-up guy like you, Spike. What could I have been thinking when I was accusing and threatening you? That was so unfair of me," Xander droned sarcastically.

"Thank you, Xander." Spike smirked. "There. Now, was that so hard?"

Xander narrowed his eyes. "That was a fake apology and you know it, it doesn't count."

"Too late, I already accepted it." 

"Hey guys!" Buffy popped up in between them. She'd gotten nervous when she noticed Spike and Xander talking and wanted to make sure they weren't arguing again. "What are we talking about? Something about teamwork, right? Something about how we're all friends now?" she asked leadingly. "Because you both know I'll get very cranky if you're picking at each other again."

"Harris just told me how sorry he was for accusing me of hurting you and for threatening me. It was very touching and heartfelt, I’m sorry you missed it, pet," Spike stated as he looked at Xander, narrowing his eyes and smirking as he silently dared the other man to gripe about it. “But I s’pose Xander didn’t want to get all emotional in front of everyone and waited ‘til he could have a semi-private word with me.”

"You really said you were sorry to Spike?" Buffy asked Xander, trying not to sound as surprised as she was.

The hopeful, happy look on her face stopped Xander from telling her it was a highly sarcastic apology. "Uh... yeah. I did sorta... apologize,” he muttered.

Buffy threw her arms around Xander and hugged him. "Aww, that was so sweet of you! That means a lot to me -- and Spike too. Thanks, Xan."

Xander grimaced at a gloating Spike over Buffy's shoulder, mouthing the words ‘You suck’.

"You still have to buy him a drink when we go to the Bronze next time too," Buffy added, patting Xander’s back. "You said you would."

"You're gonna buy all my drinks at the Bronze? What a sweet gesture. You’re a real stand-up guy, Xander -- I don't care what anybody says. We might just become BFFs yet,” Spike teased. 

"I said I'd buy you one drink -- _one_ ," Xander corrected him, holding up a finger as Buffy released him from the hug. "I'm not gonna go broke just so you can get shit-faced."

Spike looked up in thought and tapped his chin. “Hmm, I don’t know if _one_ drink is enough to make amends for menacing me the way you did... it was quite traumatic, ya know."

“Spike,” Buffy elbowed him in the ribs, “don’t be greedy.” 

Spike sighed and rubbed the spot her pointy elbow had jabbed him. He was so Slayer-whipped already. “Alright, luv, _one_ drink will have to do." He smiled at Xander. "But I'd be more inclined to forgive and forget if you throw in a plate of spicy wings too."

* * *

The next few hours went by peacefully with Buffy's friends doing their best to accept Spike's new role in Buffy's life. And Spike was still painfully bored. Buffy spent a little time with him in the training room, but then she had to go talk to Giles, and then she had to talk to Tara about something. 

Spike pretended he wasn't bored to tears just hanging out at the shop, he didn't want to appear needy like that git Finn. He had to acknowledge and resign himself to the fact that Buffy did a lot of things during a normal day which didn't involve him. It was his bright idea to show up early at the shop, so he'd have to wait until Buffy was done spending time with her friends. He could leave and go to the garage to work on his car, but he had a hunch Buffy wanted him to stick around. He was so Slayer-whipped...

Xander didn't say anything to Spike since their last conversation, but he did give the blond vamp lots of unfriendly looks. He'd been wrong about Spike having something to do with Buffy's disappearance, as Spike had so happily pointed out -- it was never fun to be wrong, and it was embarrassing. The way he'd told everyone how sure he was about Spike being up to no good made Xander wish he'd just kept his mouth shut about his suspicions. And it didn't help his bruised ego that Dawn had left a few messages on his answering machine which consisted of her making a very annoying song out of only the words 'I told you so!' until she ran out of message space.

Spike had noticed Xander's frosty looks. He was grateful that Xander hadn't kept provoking him with insults and slights, but the glances were pissing Spike off too. _'It really bothers the boy that I'm with Buffy... bet he had, or has, a thing for her too. Hmm, then he'd probably really hate to witness more public displays of affection between my girl and me...'_ Spike thought, smirking devilishly.

It seemed like a win-win to Spike -- he'd get to snuggle up to and snog Buffy, _and_ he'd get under Xander's (and probably Rupert's) skin too. Like Buffy said, the sooner her friends accepted that Spike was her boyfriend, the better. And what better way was there to drive the message home than to have them see Spike and Buffy being affectionate with each other?

Spike came up behind Buffy as she was putting a book back in a bookshelf. He wrapped his arms loosely around her middle and nuzzled her ear. "Mmm, you smell delicious, luv." 

“Spike,” Buffy giggled and halfheartedly slapped at his hands, “stop that.” 

“Yeah, Spike -- stop that,” Xander groaned.

Spike thought, _'It's workin' already. Didn't think he'd be disgusted enough to make a smartass comment for another minute or two.'_

"Can't help m'self, pet." Spike continued nuzzling her, earning more giggles from Buffy and a grimace from Xander. "Not my fault you're so bloody irresistible. I'm powerless to resist your charms."

Buffy would make him stop -- really, she would -- soon. But she was enjoying feeling his strong arms around her, his soft lips on her earlobe and kissing her neck. Maybe just a few more seconds... then she'd tell him to stop for real.

“Good thing Dawn isn’t here,” Buffy said, trying not to get too carried away.

“Why’s that a good thing?” Willow asked. She wasn't sure if she should just avert her eyes from the snuggling, but she wanted to talk to Buffy like she would normally do (if Buffy didn't have Spike's lips attached to her earlobe). 

“Because I promised her Spike and I wouldn’t kiss or get huggy in front of her," Buffy informed her. "You know, 'cause of the... thing." Buffy still couldn't remember if she'd told Spike about Dawn's crush on him, and she didn't want to let it slip. 

Xander raised his hand. “Okay, new rule: We keep Dawn with us at all times. For her own protection, of course... Let's put it to a vote." He slowly lowered his hand, disappointed that no one else was voting.

"Well, the Nibblet's not here now, is she?" Spike said, turning Buffy around to face him. He rested his hands on her hips and kissed her lightly. "I'd be happy doing nothin' but snogging with you all day long. Give me some sugar, baby." Spike pulled Buffy against him and proceeded to give her a knee-weakening kiss.

Buffy's arms flailed for a moment as she was caught by surprise, but then she moaned and wrapped her arms around Spike's neck. It took a few seconds, but she finally remembered that her friends were right there and it wasn't a good idea for them to see her and Spike kissing so passionately yet. It was best to start off with nice little kisses and handholding, and then work up to power-snogging in public.

Buffy gently, but firmly, pushed at Spike's chest and broke the kiss. She blinked and took a deep breath. "I think I had some gum..."

Spike took a wad of cinnamon Trident gum out of his mouth and then smirked. "Here it is. Want it back?"

"Nah, that's okay..."

Spike shrugged and tossed the gum into a nearby wastepaper basket. Buffy turned back to the bookshelf, trying to remember what book she meant to take next. Her brain was still rebooting after that kiss.

Spike put his arms around her and began nuzzling her neck again. "What is that scent, pet? Drivin' me wild, it is."

"It's just some Mango Mania body spray, nothing special." She wondered, _'Why is he suddenly all over me? Not that it doesn't feel good, but... Maybe the body spray really does have those pheromone thingies that make men turn into animals like it says on the bottle.'_

"Mmmm, I love it. You know... I think the aroma I find so luscious is just pure 'Buffy'; you don't need to wear anythin' else."

Xander was trying not to look directly at Spike and Buffy, fearing his retinas might burn out like if he stared at an eclipse. But he could still hear the cutesy talk and lip smacking when they kissed. He groaned quietly and thought, _'Oh god, how am I going to survive if I have to see and hear this shit every day...?'_

Buffy turned her head to look at Spike over her shoulder and happened to notice him glance at Xander and smirk. Her eyes narrowed as she finally figured out why Spike was being so overly affectionate.

She wriggled out of his embrace. "Spike, I need to see you in the training room," Buffy said sternly as she headed into the next room.

Spike raised his eyebrows and stuck the tip of his tongue out. "Want to get me alone already, eh?"

"Now, Spike," Buffy called impatiently from inside the training room.

Spike smirked and strolled over to the door, then turned back to her friends. "Little vixen just can't get enough of me. Now, don't be alarmed if you hear some strange noises comin' from --" 

Buffy's arm appeared in the doorway, grabbed Spike by the arm, and pulled him into the training room.

Spike chuckled as he stumbled a few steps inside and Buffy closed the door.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Buffy asked irritably, putting her hands on her hips.

"What're you on about, luv?"

"Don't play dumb with me, Spike. Why were you being such a jerk out there?"

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Wanting to kiss you is being a jerk?"

"You were putting on a show."

"It's not my fault the sight of me kissing, touching, or whisperin' sweet nothings in your ear makes your friends want to heave. I'd say that falls under the category of Their Bloody Problem, not mine." Spike raised his chin and sniffed to seem unaffected.

"Besides the kissing me under false pretenses thing, I'm also pissed that you were making them think we had sex last night. _Not_ cool, Spike."

"Are you ashamed of me, is that it?" Spike asked, tilting his head. 

Buffy frowned, taken off-guard by the question. "What? No, of course not." 

“Then… what? I can’t touch you in front of anyone? Is that the rule? It was okay in the carriage and the restaurant 'cos you didn't know any of the people who saw us together -- I’m okay if we’re alone in the shadows, but ya don’t want me in the light?”

She groaned, squeezed her eyes shut in frustration and shook her head. "Don't try turning this around on me -- you're the one who was acting like an asshole out there a minute ago."

"That doesn't answer my question," Spike persisted. He was just having a bit of fun agitating Xander while also enjoying kissing and being close to Buffy out in the shop, he didn't think Buffy would get angry over it or be offended. But now he had a sinking feeling that she really was ashamed to have her friends see her with him like that. "You're ashamed of how you feel 'bout me... and you don't want me puttin' my hands or lips on you in front of your friends? Am I s'posed to just sit in a corner and stay quiet when they're around?"

“No, you know that’s not what I’m saying at all! I _was_ enjoying what you were doing until I realized why you were really doing it. You were just kissing me and saying those things to get under Xander’s skin… his very thin skin.”

“That’s not true, luv." Spike stepped up to her and raised his hand to touch her face, stroking her cheek lightly. "I see you and I’m drawn to you… I’ve gone so long not being able to touch you, now that I can, I don’t want to waste one more minute.”

Buffy sighed as she looked into his eyes. It was hard to not just forgive him when he said those kinds of things and looked at her with so much affection. “Spiiike… you’re saying none of that… that _display_ was for the benefit of Xander?”

Spike hesitated, his eyes moving guiltily away from hers for a moment.

“That’s what I thought!” Buffy concluded, taking a step back and shoving him away.

"Look..." Spike said with a sigh. "Alright, I admit that it was _partly_ to annoy Harris... but that was just a fringe benefit of snogging and being close to you. You have to know I really, truly love you, Buffy."

Buffy had her arms crossed, looking away from him and feeling petulant. "You were just _using_ me to piss Xander off. That really hurts, Spike."

"No, I wasn't! I'd never use you..." Spike paused and ran a hand back through his hair, angry with himself (once again) for making her feel that way; that definitely was not his intention. "Looks like I didn't think it through before I went ahead and did it... I do that sort of thing a lot."

"Yeah, I noticed."

"Buffy… I love you… I’d do anything for you -- but I… I need you to love me for _me_ , pet. I’m not Angel… I’m not Capt’n Cardboard… I’m _Spike_. I'm going to make some bloody stupid mistakes... but that doesn't mean I don't love you with every fiber of my being, it just means I can be a git sometimes. You don't have to like everything about me, but can't you just... try to accept me as I am?"

She weakened slightly at that, glancing at him with a pout. Buffy didn't want Spike to feel inadequate and compare himself to her exes. She felt insecure in some ways to the other women Spike had been with, she knew how shitty it was to feel that way. 

“Buffy, I swear I’ll never hurt you -- I’ll never leave you, I’d lay down my life for you, but you gotta let me be me… and part of me is a thorn in Harris’ side -- just like he’s a bloody thorn in my side… that’s just who we are – it’s what we do.”

Buffy blew out a long breath and rolled her eyes. “So you two are what... just gonna keep sticking it to each other forever?”

Spike raised his eyebrows and pursed his lips together. “That wasn’t exactly my plan, pet…”

“Oh, get your mind out of the gutter for a minute!”

“Xander and me… it’s a love-hate relationship -- without the love part,” Spike explained. “It’s good for the boy -- gets his heart rate up! If not for me, his heart would barely beat faster than mine, unhealthy, that is -- he should pay me as his personal trainer.”

Buffy rolled her eyes again and shook her head, but she couldn’t help but be a little amused. “Can you at least try to tone it down a little… for a while?” Buffy requested with a pout.

Spike couldn’t resist that bottom lip... he had to kiss it, and he had to give in to it. “All right…” he acquiesced after giving that pouty lip a nibble. “But, fair warning, if Harris dies from lack of proper training, don’t come cryin’ to me.’”

Buffy chuckled and rolled her eyes. "Boy, will my face be red if Xander keels over from lack of cardio exercise." She put her arms around Spike and just held him for a few moments. "We talked the other night about how we need to be more careful about not stepping on each other's feelings and how we have to work things out without running away, and we just did that -- yay, us. Now you know that kissing me or being extra boyfriend-y just to irritate my friends is wrong and I hate it." Buffy smiled sweetly and patted his face. "And you're very lucky I didn't kick your ass."

"I didn't do it _just_ to irritate your mates," Spike defended. "Didn't you hear what I --"

Buffy raised her eyebrows. "You still want to argue? Just nod and smile so we can put a period at the end of this fight." She understood now that Spike hadn't been using her just to upset Xander, it was just another instance of Spike using really bad judgment. And now she just wanted the fight to be over.

Spike rolled his eyes, but then smiled and nodded. _'I'm so bloody Slayer-whipped...'_ he lamented. But it wasn't such a bad thing, really; there was no other woman he'd rather be whipped by.

"Better." Buffy smiled again. "And I know to be more reassuring and show you I'm not ashamed of you or how I feel about you... because I'm not."

"You just got out of a relationship with a needy ponce, I don't want to be like him -- in _any_ bloody way. You don't need to coddle me, pet, I'm a big boy. I just got... worried there for a minute that you still weren't right with your friends seeing us together. I'm alright now that you set me straight."

"Good." Buffy pulled him into another hug, wanting to enjoy being alone with him a little longer. 

Spike held her in his arms, reminding himself to try harder at being _nice_ to all her friends... which unfortunately included Xander. "I really am sorry I hurt your feelings, pet... I never want you thinking I take you for granted or that I'd _use_ you for anything. It was just another case of me leaping before I looked. I love you and want you all the bloody time -- irritating Harris was just a bonus. You understand that, right?"

"Uh-huh. You're forgiven... this _one_ time. But if you do it again, my foot and your ass are gonna have an appointment." She gave his butt a few light slaps.

Spike pulled back and smirked, having very much enjoyed feeling her hand on his ass for those few seconds. "Maybe you do need to punish me in some way... just so I really get the message," he said with a suggestive cocking of his eyebrow.

"Why is it the word 'spanking' keeps flashing like a neon sign in my mind?" Buffy wondered.

Spike grinned. "Ah! See, we're developing a connection already! You finished my thought, just like other lovey-dovey, annoying couples." 

"My definition of 'punishment' is something you _wouldn't_ enjoy." Then she crinkled up her nose and asked, "You'd really enjoy spanking? Kinda weird, isn't it? I never understood how people could get turned on by that..."

"Would I get turned on if you did it? Without a bloody doubt!" Spike was still kidding around with her, but couldn't help but be aroused at the thought of Buffy spanking his botty. He licked his lips, then asked, "Would you use a paddle of some sort... or your bare hand?"

Buffy blushed and smacked his chest lightly. "You're weird -- but I'm learning to accept, and trying to embrace, your weirdness. Let's put off talk of strange things like spanking until we've done normal stuff first, okay?" 

"Hey, it's not abnormal -- don't knock spanking 'til you've tried it, pet." Spike had to file that away for later contemplation -- the fact that Buffy had never spanked or been spanked. Her sexual history had to be strictly vanilla considering the men she'd dated in the past. Riley, that little prat Parker, and Angel all spelled boring with a capital bloody B. If she'd been with _Angelus_ instead of Angel, it'd be a different story -- Angelus was one kinky motherfucker...

* * *

Xander's hopes that Buffy and Spike might be breaking up were dashed when they came out of the training room holding hands. He'd been hopeful Spike would've said something really wrong and stupid and made Buffy give him the old heave-ho.

Xander didn't know what to think anymore. Spike had _feelings_ for Buffy, that much was obvious, but it couldn't be real love. He knew Buffy was grateful to Spike for saving her life -- but so grateful that she wanted to date him? How could she forget all the rotten things Spike had done? Xander just had a bad feeling about the whole thing... 

His unhelpful inner-voice piped up, _'It's kinda like the bad feeling you had about Spike when Buffy was missing. Could you have been *more* wrong about that?'_ Xander muttered under his breath, telling his inner-voice to shut up -- it was supposed to be on his side!

Spike didn't want a full-blown argument with Buffy's friends to ensue, but he thought it best if they cleared the air a bit. Holding all their objections inside would only make the negative feelings grow, and that would just make things worse in the end. Since there were no customers in the shop at the moment, it seemed like a good time for him to make his case.

"Everyone, I've got somethin' to say," Spike announced.

The Scoobies looked up from their tasks, giving Spike their attention.

Buffy looked at him nervously, thinking, _'Oh no... what the hell are you doing, Spike? This is just the first day they've had to get used to us dating. Am I gonna have to drag you in the damn training room again?'_

Spike took a breath and began. "I shoulda said what I'm about to say when I first got here, but better late than never, yeah? We can save some time by skipping the 'I'll stake your ass if you hurt Buffy' speech all of you want to give me." Spike's eyes rested on Giles and Xander longer than the others, they were the most likely to come after him if he did Buffy wrong. "I already know what I'm gonna get if I hurt Buffy -- no need to waste your breath with that threat." 

"Yeah, that's a real timesaver, alright," Xander mumbled. "But what if we _really_ want to give you the 'I'll stake your ass if' speech? Can we still do it just for fun?"

"Cut it out, Xander," Buffy warned.

Spike continued, ignoring Xander for the moment. "If I ever betray her -- which I will _not_ \-- I'd deserve everything I had comin' to me. I also know none of you believe me yet, but I do love Buffy and the last thing I want to do is hurt her ever again."

Buffy went to stand with Spike at the counter, smiling faintly. It was great to hear him say those things, but she couldn't help but be nervous that the floor was now open to further discussion. She should've sent Xander out to get coffee and doughnuts to avoid another argument today...

Spike smiled reassuringly at her, then looked back at the others. "I know you lot have your... doubts about whether I meant what I said to Buffy -- 'bout walking the straight-and-narrow from now on. I did mean it, and I intend to follow through. I'm one of the good guys now." He snorted and smiled; it still boggled his mind when he really thought about it -- 'William the Bloody' was now a White Hat. What a long, strange trip it had been from his fledgling days; Spike never would've guessed that his journey would've taken this particular turn. 

"You can change just like that, huh?" Xander asked, snapping his fingers. "You can just brush off all the evil and _decide_ to be good? Uh-uh," he shook his head, "it don't work that way, pal."

"No, not _just like that_. And how the bloody hell would you know how it 'works'? You've got no clue, boy." Spike took a moment to rein in his growing annoyance. "People all down through history have done 180° turns when they were given strong motivation to change; a reason for wanting to better themselves. Well... I finally got my motivation and reason..." Spike looked at Buffy, smiling affectionately. "My raison d'etre, my muse, my Buffy."

Xander started to make a gagging noise, but was immediately silenced by a steely look from Buffy. After she was done giving Xander the evil eye, she looked at Spike and smiled sweetly. 

"If you recall, Spike," Giles began, "I talked to you once -- or should I say, I _attempted_ to talk to you once -- about fighting on the side of right, suggesting that perhaps you had a higher purpose. You were completely unmoved and couldn't get rid of me fast enough -- I felt like a fool for believing for even a moment that you might be capable of changing."

"Yeah... I do recall that conversation." Spike thought back to that chat, it was after he'd helped Giles (for a fee, of course) when Giles had been turned into a Fyarl demon. He recalled being especially rude to Rupert (which was fun at the time, but now Spike regretted that he'd been so dismissive). "I wasn't nearly ready to consider another way of life back then. I still wanted my life back that those Initiative buggers stole from me."

"And now you're ready?" Giles asked skeptically. 

"I am," Spike replied, reaching next to him to touch Buffy's hand. Buffy intertwined their fingers and gave his hand a squeeze. "I don't want to be the man I used to be anymore, I'm _not_ that man anymore. When I make up my mind to do something, I bloody well do it.

"I'm not sayin' it's gonna be easy for me, but... she's worth it. Buffy is my woman, and that's how it's gonna stay. I won't cock this up."

Xander thought Spike sounded sincere... But he couldn't let himself be swayed -- it had to be a trick. "So, all your evil will just be simmering on the backburner? You can _act_ as good as you want, Spike. But we all know the kind of stuff you'd rather be doing -- y'know, fun, kooky stuff like murder and mayhem."

Spike took a breath, cracking his neck to the side. It was a test of his patience and new commitment to being a good guy just talking to her friends. Having to explain his thoughts and feelings to Xander bloody Harris was trying. "That's the thing -- knowing Buffy has had a, what you'd call, an influence on me. I find myself not wanting to do evil things. I actually have a _desire_ to do right."

"Yeah, just to impress her," Xander added with disdain. "Not because you're a 'changed man'."

"Buffy and I talked about a lotta things last night... and we covered that subject. I'm her backup muscle, that'll be my function in the group. If she... can't be somewhere or can't fight, then I'll be there to take care of business." Spike didn't want to even say the words 'if she dies', but he thought the Scoobies got what he meant from the momentary looks of sadness on their faces. "If one of you can't reach Buffy and there's a demon that needs immediate slaying, you come to me. I'll protect each of you, and even this bloody town, with everything I got. And I'm here to stay, I'm not goin' anywhere. Don't just dismiss me out of hand -- give me a chance to prove I can change. That's all I ask."

The Scoobies were silent as they absorbed what Spike said. They were Buffy's friends and they loved her, so they could only pray that Spike was being honest and that he really was capable of being good without a soul. A few were more skeptical than others, but they would give Spike the chance he was asking for. Maybe Spike didn't deserve a second-chance, but Buffy deserved their cooperation.

"I want us to get one very important thing straight," Buffy addressed the room. "If Spike does 'hurt' me in some way in the future, **I** will be the one to deal with the situation -- not any of you." She looked at each of them in turn, her gaze lingering on Xander and Giles. "Is that _perfectly_ clear?" Buffy didn't want to have to worry about one of them serving up some 'justice' on her behalf if Spike did something wrong or if they _thought_ Spike did something wrong.

They nodded, Xander and Giles nodding more slowly than the others; they knew that comment was mostly directed at them. 

Buffy's expression softened when she looked at Spike again. "You want to come to my house for dinner tonight? We're just getting a pizza, but Dawn wants to make that 'thank you' cake for you."

Spike smiled gratefully, feeling a bit optimistic that at least Buffy's family was going to give him a fair shake. "I'd love to, pet."

Buffy looked to the front window of the shop, happy to see that it was dusk and now dark enough for Spike to walk home with her without getting crispy in the sun. There was one more thing she wanted to do before they started for home... 

Buffy put her arms around Spike's neck and pulled him to her for a kiss. Spike was surprised (and, of course, pleased) that she was initiating a kiss in front of her friends. He put his hands on her waist as her soft lips pressed against his. 

Spike had expected it to be a short but sweet lip-lock, but Buffy surprised him again by power-snogging him. She held him tighter, closer, as her tongue pushed into his mouth, beginning to kiss him more deeply and passionately. Spike had to restrain himself from grabbing Buffy and running his hands all over her body as he would if they were alone. He knew why Buffy was doing this, and he loved her even more for it -- besides just for the pleasure of it, she was showing him that she wasn't ashamed of him. And she was showing her friends that she was serious about him -- that was a good reason too. 

They were both panting for breath when the kiss broke. Buffy daintily wiped her mouth as she turned to her friends again. "You're gonna be seeing a lot of that, by the way -- I suggest you get used to it."

The Scoobies were staring with their mouths hanging open a bit, surprised by Buffy's display. She'd never done anything like that with her other boyfriends in front of them before. There was that earlier kiss which Spike started (but that seemed like he did that mostly to rub their faces in the fact that he was now Buffy's boyfriend), but this time Buffy was the one initiating it. 

Anya had been in the process of recounting the money in the cash register when Buffy and Spike started kissing. "That was hot," she moaned huskily, using a fan of one dollar bills to cool herself off and wanting to get Xander alone ASAP.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow. Call me if you need me for anything before then," Buffy said casually as she collected her jacket and purse from the table. She took Spike's hand and started for the front door. "Let's go, Spike." Though she was pretending she was perfectly fine, Buffy was hoping she could make it to the door without her legs noticeably wobbling from the intense kissage -- she wanted to make a confident, poised exit.

Spike smiled goofily at the Scoobies, snatching his duster off the back of the chair as Buffy pulled him along with her toward the door. "Ain't she just _neat_?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that texting wasn't as common back in 2001 as it is now, but I thought it'd be fun to have Anya excited about trying sexting :) Thanks to my lovely and talented beta, Passion4Spike, for the idea!


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super-long delays with my updates. But rest assured, I will finish this story - even if it kills me lol 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who left me yummy reviews! I haven't responded to many of them yet, but I will as soon as I get the time *big hugs* Reviews really do help get us motivated to write more, so keep 'em comin'!
> 
> Banners by xoChantelly and Edgehead

 

As they walked away from the Magic Box, Spike pulled his duster on and closed it in the front to hide the hard-on he'd gotten from Buffy snogging his face off in the shop. "Full of surprises, you are... Little minx." He tried to be discreet as he reached inside the coat and adjusted himself, trying to get a little more comfortable... which wasn't easy.

Buffy still had a bright blush from how turned on she was by the kiss too. When she saw Spike pull his duster closed out of the corner of her eye, a sly smile turned up on her lips. She knew she'd felt something stirring while they were kissing. It was empowering to know she could excite him so easily... and that he could 'rise to the occasion' so very quickly. She hoped waiting to be intimate wouldn't drive Spike (and herself) crazy.

"I'd be asking for my gum back if I'd been chewin' any when you started snogging me," Spike joked.

Buffy giggled. "Sorry, I should've warned you... and I know we agreed that we shouldn't do any more power-snogging for a while. I just got the urge and had to... do it."

"Don't ever apologize for kissing me like that, pet. Do it as often as you like -- you can do it again right now if you want..." He batted his eyelashes and smiled adorably.

"I need to get home," she laughed. "We'll never get there if we start kissing again. Plus, my knees are still a little weak from the last kiss. It'd be best if we just keep walking."

Spike sighed dramatically, but nodded. He looked at her and arched an eyebrow. "Maybe later, then?"

Buffy raised and lowered her eyebrows. "Mmmhmm." She was eager to get some more makeout time with Spike -- without an audience.

They walked in silence for a few minutes. Buffy replayed the events in the Magic Box in her mind, rolling her eyes and sighing as she recalled some of Xander's comments. "I hope Xander didn't hurt your feelings today... He was being especially pigheaded. One more word outta him and I would've taken him in the training room to yell at him too."

Spike screwed up his face and snorted. "Did he _hurt my feelings_? Ha! Pleeease, Buffy... It's like white noise whenever Harris opens his big bloody mouth, all I hear is a series of hoots and clicks."

"I know you're a big, rough, tough, worldly vampire... but I also know how sensitive you can be deep down inside. That's why you wanted to irritate him by kissing me in front of him, you were upset about the stuff he said about you."

Spike rolled his eyes; there were drawbacks to Buffy knowing how 'sensitive' he was. He wouldn't admit it out loud, but it did upset Spike that the Scoobies might always see him as he used to be, not who he was now or who he would be in the future. They didn't trust him as far as they could throw him... not that Spike could really blame them, he had done plenty of nasty things to them in the past. But if they could give Angel some slack after the things he'd done...

"I know not being accepted hurts," Buffy said sympathetically.

Spike sniffed, sneered and raised his chin -- a mannerism Buffy recognized as something he did when he was bothered about something but using a poker face to hide his true feelings. "Harris can get stuffed, I really don't give a buggering blue damn what he thinks of me."

Spike smiled easily and took her hand in his as they walked, then raised her hand to his mouth to give it a kiss. "Your acceptance is all I need. I reckon Xander will loosen up once he sees I'm serious 'bout changing my ways. Might take a long while, but... I'm in it for the long haul, I've got the time. Your other mates seemed to be at least _trying_ to accept the new order of things."

Buffy nodded. "Tara was the best -- she asked about how our date went when nobody else would bring it up. She was just super-nice and I could tell she was really happy for me and not just pretending. I'm gonna call her later and dish some more about you and the wonderfulness that was last night," Buffy added with a grin, bumping Spike's shoulder with hers. "I'm so glad Willow has such great taste in women."

Spike chuckled and agreed. "Did you ever suspect Willow was a..." Spike paused to think of an inoffensive term -- it was hard to try and think of nice ways to put things instead of his usual off the cuff way of speaking. "That she was gay while you were in school?"

"Nope, I had no idea until she told me she was seeing Tara -- that was a pretty big clue. Oh, there was a vampire Willow from another dimension a while ago who was at least bi... I thought it was strange at the time that Willow's other-self would be kinda gay when my Willow was totally straight."

"A bisexual, vamp Willow?" Spike asked, raising his brows in surprise. He wouldn't have minded making vamp Willow's acquaintance. "Bet that was fun."

"Yeah, she was a barrel of laughs." 

" _Your_ Willow never showed any interest in you... not even when you were roomies? Don't know how she coulda resisted you, luv," Spike teased. "You two never had a pillow fight in your nighties that turned erotic? If you didn't, it's okay to lie and say you did -- in fact, I encourage you to lie and embellish about that."

Buffy rolled her eyes. It was typical of a man to get aroused at the thought of two women getting it on (though she'd secretly fantasized about Spike and Angel doing dirty things to each other and tag-teaming her... so she wasn't any better). "Willow's my best friend, we don't think of each other that way."

He shrugged. "You're bloody gorgeous, she had to've at least noticed how hot you are."

"Not everybody has sex on the brain like _some_ people I know."

"Sex works better on _other_ parts of the body." Spike laughed as he hopped out of the way of another jab from Buffy's pointy elbow. 

"I don't think Willow and Tara were about physical attraction... not at first. They fell for _the person_ , not the packaging... That's beautiful, isn't it?"

"Yeah, it is," he had to agree. "Humans aren't usually so... open-minded about that sorta thing." Spike decided to move on to another subject, thinking they shouldn't be talking about sex; he'd probably say something stupid and make Buffy mad again. "You accepted Willow's... change in lifestyle, I hope she accepts your decision to be with me too."

"I think she's coming around already; I could tell I made her feel guilty." Buffy smiled with satisfaction. "We'll get through this, Spike. So what if we have to put up with my friends being stubborn for a while... they can't change how we feel about each other," Buffy assured him optimistically. 

Spike quoted: "Hope is a lover's staff; walk hence with that  
And manage it against despairing thoughts."

"Shakespeare?" Buffy asked.

Spike smiled. "Uh-huh."

"Yay, I got it right! The 'hence' tipped me off, it sounded Shakespeare-y... like something I slept through in British Lit. It's nice to hear you quote Shakespeare and poetry instead of The Simpsons or Pee-wee Herman."

"I pluck useful quotes from everywhere, luv. I think The Simpsons and P.W. can be just as insightful into the human condition as the Bard... don't tell Rupert I said that, his head might explode."

The Summers' house came into sight and they slowed their pace a bit, wanting it to be 'just the two of them' a few minutes longer. They knew it was going to be a while before they could kiss or touch each other again. 

"My mom told me she was gonna buy some blood at the butcher's this afternoon, so you can actually get some nourishment with dinner this time," Buffy said with a smile.

"That was thoughtful of her." Spike was glad to hear that because he'd forgotten to have a pint before he left the crypt today. He'd been too besotted by thoughts of Buffy to remember to eat. "It was nice of your mum to invite me over to break bread with the family." He knew how lucky he was that Joyce (as well as Buffy) was so forgiving. "She really is a helluva woman. It's not hard to see where you get it from."

"Um, yeah... well, she mentioned wanting to talk with you at some point tonight."

Spike swallowed, his brow creasing with worry as his stride slowed even further. "She did? Bollocks..." A heart-to-heart with Joyce was in the offing, but he hoped it would be later rather than sooner. Spike understood why Joyce wanted to have a conversation with him, he'd need to have a sit-down with a soulless vampire who wanted to date his daughter too. No, he'd probably just stake the bugger rather than let the vamp touch his daughter.

"I thought I should give you advanced warning -- not that you really need to be _warned_ ; I promise my mom isn't going to come at you with any pointy objects."

"Blunt objects, then?" Spike asked worriedly. He started to turn around. "Uh, just remembered a prior engagement. Sorry, luv, hate to snog and run... must dash!"

Buffy caught his arm and pulled him back to her, resuming their walk. "Spike, don't worry. I just didn't want you to be surprised when she asks you to talk. My mom's already accepted you as my boyfriend, she only wants to talk to you about some... stuff."

"Stuff... that's a broad term. What... 'stuff' do you figure she wants to talk about?" Spike had a bad feeling that his stalking and the shrine were going to be topics of conversation.

"Whatever you and Mom talk about tonight won't change a thing between you and me, okay?" Buffy assured him and hugged his arm. 

Spike sighed. "S'pose I have no choice... alright, if Joyce wants to chat..." His throat clicked with a hard swallow. "Then we'll chat."

"Come on, you big scaredy-cat, it won't be that bad."

* * *

Dinner went well, the four of them talked and joked about inconsequential things as they ate. Joyce mentioned how the museum was having an art exhibit next week she'd love to see. Spike suggested the four of them go together, and they made a date to do just that the following Saturday. Buffy enjoyed seeing Spike in this setting, smiling and talking animatedly about normal, everyday subjects. 

Buffy couldn't be more pleased that Spike got along with her mom and sister so well. And to think she'd been so freaked out about them being 'talking buddies' before the whole thing with Dru happened... she was grateful now that Spike had forged a bond with them.

"That was delicious, thank you, Bit," Spike said as he finished his pig's blood drizzled cake and ice cream.

Dawn beamed. "You're welcome, I wanted to do something nice for you. See? I can bake nontoxic food, Buffy." She stuck her tongue out at Buffy.

"There was a 50/50 chance of poisoning, Spike just got lucky, that's all," Buffy joked.

"It's not often someone does something special just for me, I appreciate it." Spike thought about the last time someone had done something special for him -- Dru had planned his surprise party at the mansion. Spike was happy to have the memory of this occasion to replace the last one. 

Joyce stood up from the table. "Why don't you girls start on the dishes? Spike, can I talk to you in the living room?"

He stared at her for a second. Spike had been having a good time, temporarily forgetting about the 'chat'. "Uh... sure, Joyce," he said, laying his napkin on the table and standing up slowly. 

Buffy started walking ahead of them toward the living room. 

"Buffy," Joyce called, "I'd like to talk to Spike... privately. You can help Dawn with the dishes."

Buffy and Spike's eyes widened. She turned around. "Oh... okay." She looked at Spike, seeing his deer-in-headlights expression before he recovered and was able to look normal again. "I'll just be... in the kitchen... not listening... busying myself with the doing of the dishes, then."

Buffy walked past Spike touching his hand and looking at him, silently asking if he wanted her to stay with him. Spike managed a smile for her (though he didn't feel much like smiling), then followed Joyce out to the living room. It was silly for him to be so nervous about just talking to a harmless, nice lady like Joyce, he thought to himself... After all, he's a century old vamp, the Big Bad, William the Bloody, slayer of Slayers... oh... ummm... scratch that last one... in fact, scratch all that. Funny how things he used to take extreme pride in now made him cringe.

Joyce sat on the couch and Spike sat in the chair near the fireplace, unintentionally taking the same positions they'd sat in the very first time Spike had been to the Summers' home back when he'd made the truce with Buffy. They had _lots_ to talk about this time, there wouldn't be any awkward silences.

Buffy and Dawn were in the kitchen, leaning against the archway and trying to listen.

"I hope Mom doesn't bust his bal-chops," Dawn whispered.

"What?" Buffy asked, frowning.

Dawn waved her off and shushed her.

Joyce began, "Let me start by saying that I like you, Spike."

Spike smiled. "That's a good way to start. I like you too, Joyce, always have."

"Some things I'm about to say will sound harsh and I don't want you to get the impression that I flat-out disapprove of you. I'm trying to be open-minded about the whole thing. But I really want you to take what I say into consideration when thinking about your future with Buffy."

Spike was a bit more nervous now. "...Alright."

"Buffy's not stupid, I trust her to make good decisions about her life. But I'm worried about her dating another vampire. After what happened before..."

Spike clenched his jaw and his nostrils flared at being compared to Angel, but he stayed calm. "Yeah, Angel was a vampire too, but Angel and me both being vampires is where the similarities end." He chuckled anxiously. "'Sides, I don't have a soul to lose -- no worries there!" His smile turned into a frown the moment the words were out of his mouth. "Didn't exactly... help my case by pointing out that I don't have a soul, did I?"

"Well, it's not as if I could forget about that... The 'no soul' thing is on my list of topics for us to discuss."

"...You have a list?" Spike asked, fidgeting. 

"This makes you uncomfortable, Spike?" 

"Well... yeah. I have a feeling I know some of the things on your 'list', and they're not things I'm exactly thrilled to have to talk about... especially not with you."

"Why especially not with me?"

"...'Cos I like you, Joyce. You've always been decent to me, you talked to me like a person, not a... _thing_. I care what you think of me, you're one of the few people I like. I'd be... bothered if your opinion of me changed for the worse."

Joyce reached over and patted Spike's hand comfortingly for a few moments. "I started by telling you that I like you -- I know the things you did, but I do still like you... Just a second." Joyce looked toward the kitchen and raised her voice, "Girls, why am I not hearing the sounds of dishes being washed?"

They heard rushed whispers, and then water running and dishes clinking together in the sink.

"I guess I should've come to talk to you at your place if I really wanted us to have some privacy," Joyce joked.

"No, uh, talking here is better. You'd need to let me know if you were coming by the crypt so I could do some dusting beforehand. And I wouldn't want you wandering 'round the cemetery -- night or day, it could be dangerous."

Joyce thought back to the private, clandestine chat she'd had with Angel a few years ago, the talk that had made him realize Buffy really would be better off without him. Joyce liked Spike and didn't want to run him off... but could Buffy ever be really, truly happy with the limitations that went along with having a vampire for a boyfriend? She took a steadying breath and prepared for the more unpleasant part of their talk. 

Joyce checked both doorways leading to the kitchen to make sure her daughters weren't trying to listen, then leaned forward slightly to talk to Spike quietly. "Buffy isn't aware of this... and I want it to stay that way, but I had a talk like the one I'm having with you right now... with Angel."

Spike's eyebrows went up. "Oh? When was this?"

"Right before he left town. He knew what I pointed out to him was true, and then he made the difficult decision to leave for Buffy's own good. He knew he'd only hold Buffy back and screw up her life by staying with her."

Spike blinked owlishly. He'd had no idea Joyce was the one who'd talked Angel into leaving... Spike had always thought Peaches made the decision all on his own. It was so very typical of Angel to act holier-and nobler-than thou, that Spike hadn't considered that there might've been an outside influence on Angel's decision. Buffy would be absolutely _furious_ if she knew her mother had talked Angel into breaking up with her... Spike didn't plan on telling her.

"Must've been some talk you two had..." was all Spike could think of to say. His chances of getting Joyce's approval weren't looking so good now. Joyce hadn't approved of Angel -- and he was the one _with_ a bloody soul. Spike actually felt a little sorry for Angel, which didn't happen often. Angel still shouldn't have let himself be chased away though, not if he truly loved Buffy -- for that, Angel was still, and would forever be, the Magnificent Poof. "Is... that what this chat is really about? You want me to leave for Buffy's own good?"

“I just want to make sure you understand my concerns, and that you've really thought everything through. Spike, how long do you intend to... be in love with my daughter?”

Spike's forehead creased slightly in confusion. "How long...? Forever... I'll always love 'er."

“And, if she falls in love with you and vows to love you forever... then what?”

He was still confused. “Then... I’ll be the happiest man in the bloody world, that's what.”

“But what about Buffy? Do you really know what you’d be asking her to give up to be with you? Have you given that any thought? Don't you think it's selfish of you not to consider what she'll have to sacrifice?"

"I think..." Spike fidgeted. "I think Buffy can make up her own mind 'bout what she wants; like you said, she's not stupid. I know it's... unconventional, but we both want to give a relationship a go. Buffy and I... we've already talked about a lotta things like this, she's sure of what she wants and she's got her mind set on it." 

Joyce countered, "Emotions and romance have a way of pushing even a very smart, savvy girl's head into the clouds. When feelings are involved... it's easy to miss the big picture. I don't know if Buffy has really thought about the situation in a rational, long-term way -- you’re a vampire... she’s not. For her to have any shot at a normal life... with marriage and children... well, you couldn’t give her that, could you?”

Spike took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “No... I don’t suppose I could...” he admitted solemnly, looking down at the carpet, feeling deflated... defeated. This was more brutal than he'd expected, and she hadn't even brought up the shrine and stealing yet. It wasn't easy for him to hear the things Joyce was saying. 

Besides it being just uncomfortable to talk with her like this, Joyce was bringing up things that Spike had used to convince himself that he shouldn't be with Buffy after the incident with the shrine. Those thoughts and feelings came rushing back at him -- Buffy deserved someone better than him, someone normal, someone good; Buffy deserved a shot at a 'normal' life, not a life exiled to the shadows with him; he was beneath her. It was hard to combat his own cynical inner-voice, especially when it was coming out of Joyce's mouth. 

Spike's heart sank... would he ever be good enough for Buffy? Even if she wanted to, would it be right for him to keep her in the shadows with him? If he stayed, would it drive a wedge between the Slayer and her mum... he didn't want to be the cause of that. 

“You claim to love her... so don’t you think she deserves a normal life?” Joyce gently prodded after he'd been silent for several moments.

Spike closed his eyes and took a deep breath, trying to sort out all the feelings and hopes and thoughts rushing around in his mind. He'd successfully countered his negative inner-voice before, the voice that had told him these very things... he could do it again... he just had to believe -- he had to believe that it was what Buffy would want and that he could be the man she needed and make her happy.

Spike raised his eyes and met Joyce’s, a new resolve shining in them. “I think Buffy deserves to have everything in the world that her heart desires... I’d pluck the bloody stars from the sky for her if that’s what she wanted. I’m sure that she deserves better than me... lots better, but I can tell you right now, she’ll never find anyone that’ll love her more. If she’ll let me, I’ll stand by her ‘til the world stops spinning... I’ll fight at her side, I’ll protect her with my life. 

“Her life will never be ‘normal’... she’s the Slayer -- ‘the one girl in all the world that stands against the demons’, but it don’t have to be that way. Buffy’s always been different than other Slayers... got friends, family fightin’ with her, helping her... and now she’s got me.

“Joyce, I know you want what’s best for her... what you may not know or believe yet, is I want that too. Slayers lead very short, very violent, very lonely lives... so what you should really be wantin’ for her is someone who can change that and give her a long, happy life. It may not be your idea of ‘normal’, but you really don’t want a normal Slayer’s life for her... believe me.”

Joyce watched Spike closely as he spoke... he'd always worn his heart on his sleeve... or more accurately, in his eyes, and now was no exception. His heartfelt sincerity was... poignant; it seemed clear that he had given this some thought even before tonight. “And you think you can do that?” Joyce asked, considering his words carefully. “Give her a chance at a long, happy life?”

“I know I can. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for your girl... I’d walk through the fires of Hell for her... and I’ll love her forever,” Spike assured her, his gaze never wavering from Joyce's.

Joyce hadn't considered the 'keeping Buffy alive longer' aspect of her daughter having a supernaturally strong, skilled fighter for a boyfriend. That _was_ a good point... one for the 'Pro Spike' column, for sure. 

"I can see how strongly you feel about Buffy... but problems don't go away just because there's love. You and Buffy are from different worlds," Joyce said, echoing what she'd once said to Angel. "Won't there be just too many... differences?"

"Our worlds aren't really so different, Joyce. At first glance, yeah, we appear to be polar opposites, on different sides of the eternal struggle. But that's what makes us perfect for each other." At Joyce's doubtful expression, he went on to explain, "Buffy and me, we're two sides of the same coin. I know the dark side -- Buffy's touched on it, she walks in the shadows, battling the demons, but she's never known true darkness... I have. I've wallowed in it, I used to embrace it... I know what it's about. I can protect her from it, give her insights into it that no one else could, so she can continue to win and survive.

"And on the flipside of the coin, there's Buffy, she knows the light. Her... effulgence showers over me any time I'm near her, she's filled my head and heart with thoughts and feelings I hadn't experienced for... a very long time. It's her that's given me the resolve to succeed at becoming a better man. I couldn't've gotten this far without her influence in my life. Buffy's the Yin to my Yang, the flower to my honeybee, the Butch to my Sundance... we need each other, and our odds of survival increase if we have each other."

"I see what you're saying..." Joyce conceded as she sat back slightly and considered his points. Maybe Buffy's odds of living a longer, happier life really were better if she had Spike by her side. And since it was clear that Spike wouldn't be swayed into leaving (as Angel had done), Joyce decided to move on to other items on her list. "Alright... Now I'd like to talk to you about the fact that you stole things from Buffy..."

Spike gulped, gripping the arms of the chair a bit tighter, wondering if he'd won that round or not, he thought so, but just how many rounds were on Joyce's card? How many did he need to win to gain her approval?

* * *

_A little later, in the kitchen..._

"What's taking so long?" Buffy worried, twisting a tea towel in her hands until it started ripping as she looked anxiously toward the living room. She could hear them talking quietly, unfortunately their voices were too quiet for her to make out what they were actually saying. "They've been in there for half an hour!"

Dawn shrugged and wiped down the kitchen counter with a sponge. They'd finished the dishes a while ago, now they were just finding busywork and killing time while they waited for their mom to tell them they were allowed back in the living room.

"Why couldn't I be there too? Spike was so nervous... What's she saying to him?"

Dawn shrugged again. She'd given up trying to soothe Buffy's nerves after a few earlier attempts, nothing Dawn said seemed to help Buffy relax. Buffy didn't seem to hear any comforting words anyway, she was too wound up. Dawn was kinda worried herself... Their mom had seemed a little on edge before Spike and Buffy walked in the front door. Dawn hoped her mom being anxious didn't mean she planned on letting Spike have it with both barrels.

* * *

_Back in the living room, several questions later..._

"You understand why I had to ask you all those questions? I didn't do this because I don't want you and Buffy to be together, and I didn't do it just to bust your... chops. It's just that Buffy's been hurt so many times... and she's my baby. I worry."

Spike took a breath and nodded. "Yeah, I understand, Joyce. You wouldn't be doin' your job as a mum if you didn't talk to me about what's worrying you."

Joyce was quiet for a few seconds, though it seemed much longer from Spike's perspective, while she decided if she would officially give her blessing to Spike dating Buffy. 

Finally, she looked at him and said, "I'm choosing to trust you, Spike. There's nothing more important to me than my daughters' health and happiness. I'm trusting you to do right by Buffy and protect her... please don't make a fool out of me," she said with a look that was half warning/half pleading. 

Spike leaned forward and looked her in the eye, trying to convey how seriously he took what she'd said. "I promise you, I will not let you down, Joyce. I love Buffy, and I'll always love her. I'll look after her, as well as you and Dawn, for the rest of my life. There's nothing I wouldn't do for any of you, you've got m' word on that."

Joyce let out a breath, and then smiled and stood up. "Okay, we're done here. Would you like a cup of coffee? Or tea? English people like tea more, right?"

"Uh... no, I'm good, thanks." Spike smiled weakly.

"I'll let Buffy know we're done talking. She probably wants to patrol this evening." Joyce went to see what her daughters were up to, and how much of her conversation with Spike they'd managed to overhear. 

Once she left the room, Spike slumped in the chair, groaned, and wiped sweat from his brow. "Bloody hell... I'd rather have rectal surgery with no anesthesia than go through that again..." he mumbled. He knew Joyce could've been (and had a right to be) much tougher on him than she was, but even that level of toughness had taken a lot out of him.

* * *

Buffy hurried into the living room once her mother told her Spike was free to go. She frowned at seeing Spike slumped in the chair and looking very weary. When Spike noticed that she was in the room with him, he put on a brave face, smiling as he got up from the chair.

"She wasn't too hard on you, was she?" Buffy fretted.

"Nah... I'm fine," Spike replied, still smiling. 

But Buffy could tell he wasn't totally 'fine'. "Are you sure? You look tired." 

"I am a bit. Been a long day..."

"What did my mom say?" Buffy had tried listening from the kitchen, but wasn't able to hear much.

"She was just... concerned about some of the things I did, and that I stole from you; she wanted to hear me explain m'self. Does Joyce have a background in psychology? Seemed like she'd had some training."

"I think she said she minored in psychology in college."

"Thought so," Spike groaned and rubbed his eyes.

"She _was_ too hard on you, wasn't she?" Buffy felt bad for Spike, he had... not a 'fear' exactly, but he had a lot of anxiety about talking to her mother or garnering her mother's disapproval.

"Nah, luv. I told ya, I'm fine. There were no blunt or pointy objects involved."

Buffy took his hand and walked with him into the foyer. "You want to go on patrol with me? I just need to change my clothes and then I'll be ready to go." 

"Don't think I'd be much help on patrol, I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I should go work on my car a bit at the garage... and have a pint or two. I'm dyin' for a bloody drink."

"Oh... okay." Buffy was disappointed, and it wasn't a good sign that Spike wanted to go off by himself somewhere to get drunk. It seemed that what she'd suspected and feared was happening -- Spike was already getting tired of having to defend himself to the other people in Buffy's life. "Call me later on my nifty new cell phone?"

Spike gave her a quick kiss. "It'll probably be tomorrow, I'll be busy with the car for the rest of the night. Have fun on patrol." He called to the kitchen, "Night, ladies. Thanks for havin' me."

Dawn and Joyce said goodnight from the kitchen.

Spike gave Buffy a slight smile. "Goodnight, pet. Talk to you tomorrow." Then he turned and walked out the door.

"Night, Spike," Buffy said with a sigh. She watched him until he walked out of her sight, and then closed the front door.

Dawn was heading to her room, stopping on the stairs. "How come Spike left without you, didn't you guys want to patrol? Oh... did Mom scare him away?"

"I think so," Buffy groaned, then slowly banged her forehead against the front door. "He just seemed so... worn down."

"Sorry, Buffy..." Dawn said. "It'll be okay... Spike loves you. He'll be back to his snarky self in no time." Not knowing what else to say, Dawn continued up the stairs to her bedroom.

Joyce came out of the kitchen. "I didn't expect Spike to leave right away... Is he alright?" She grimaced, hoping she hadn't upset him too much.

"Spike didn't even want to patrol with me... and he _never_ turned down an opportunity to do that before -- I didn't even need to ask, he'd just tag along anyway. But now he'd rather go somewhere and brood." Buffy whirled around to face her mom. "You should've let me be there, Spike was nervous about talking to you. Why did you have to talk to him alone?" she whined.

"I wanted to have a talk with _just_ Spike. I don't think I was unfair to him, and, as your mother, I had a right to say the things I did. Did he tell you he thought I was being mean?"

"No... he said he was 'fine' with how it went, but he obviously couldn't wait to get out of here. You told me you weren't going to give him the third-degree, and I promised Spike it wasn't going to be too bad. He probably thinks I lied to him."

"The more I thought about it, the tougher I had to be. You are too important for me to lob softball questions at Spike -- there were questions I needed to hear him answer. Spike had to realize that if he wanted to be with you, he'd have to face up to things he's done."

"You realize that my friends gave him a really hard time today too, don't you?" Buffy asked, crossing her arms.

Joyce sighed with regret. "No... I didn't know that. I wouldn't have had the talk with him tonight if I knew he'd already had a bad time dealing with your friends..."

"What did you think happened at the shop this afternoon? You thought that Giles and Xander invited him to a tea party or threw a parade in his honor? I had to stop them from yelling at each other more than once. Spike's been getting questioned and insulted all day!"

"I'll apologize to Spike the next time I see him, I didn't mean to put more pressure on him in a day that was already tough on him... But I'm sorry, Buffy, I _needed_ to talk to him about some things that were weighing heavy on my mind."

"What did you talk to him about?"

"Lots of things..." Joyce hedged.

"Vague much? Come on, Mom, tell me."

"I asked him about the stealing and that shrine... things that caused me to worry." Joyce decided to be more honest. "And... we talked about the fact that you can never have a normal life if you choose to be with him. I asked him if he didn't think it was selfish that you'll have to give up so much for him."

Buffy stared at her mother, her mouth slightly ajar. "What? What gives you the right to try and sabotage my relationship?!"

"I wasn't trying to sabotage anything, Buffy. Being your mother gives me the right to question the boys -- or 100-year-old vampires -- you bring home."

"I was worried about my friends' reactions, but I didn't think I had to worry about what you'd do or say. You told me you were okay with me being with Spike -- you're the one who told me to follow my heart! I thought you were on my side!"

"I _am_ on your side, Buffy. I know it doesn't seem like it to you right now, but I'm only looking out for you. Is it so wrong that I want you to have a normal life?"

Buffy put a hand over her eyes and groaned. "Spike and I talked -- at length! -- about me having a 'normal' life. Hello -- I'm _not_ normal, therefore I _can't_ have a normal life! Spike was all broody and depressed when I first went to see him after the thing with the shrine... he went on and on about how he wasn't good enough for me and that I deserved a normal boyfriend and a normal life... I had to talk to him for a long time to convince him to give 'us' a chance. And now you probably undid all my hard work with one stupid conversation. Thanks a lot, Mom!"

"It wasn't a 'stupid' conversation," Joyce defended. "I feel better after hearing what Spike had to say."

"Well, _he_ obviously doesn't feel better. He looked exhausted and ready to just... give up." Buffy was worried her next conversation with Spike was going to be another difficult one. Would she have to change his mind again? _Could_ she change his mind again? 

A question formed in Buffy's mind, but she just couldn't bring herself to ask it: Did her mother also have a talk with Angel before he left? Buffy didn't want to be angry with her mom... and she had a bad feeling that she would be very angry if she knew the answer. It was water under the bridge, Buffy told herself, trying not to get too worked up. Whatever happened with Angel really didn't matter anymore, at the time it would've mattered **big-time**... The only way it mattered now was if Joyce was trying to chase Spike away too.

"If it's any consolation," Joyce said softly, trying to calm her daughter, "Spike seems to love you very much." 

Buffy pouted, glancing at her mother for a moment before looking down at the floor.

"I've never heard a man talk that way before... so devoted and protective." She was impressed with how deeply Spike seemed to care for Buffy. Joyce hoped she wasn't just being naive, but she believed Spike meant what he'd said. 

Buffy sighed, her shoulders slumping. "Spike told me he wouldn't leave like the others did, and I know he meant it... but how much can he possibly take before he decides I'm not worth all this trouble?" Buffy said dejectedly. "I can only do so much damage control... Why does everything have to be so damn hard?"

Joyce put an arm around Buffy. "Honey, I really don't think you have to worry about that."

"Why not?" Buffy mumbled.

"Because of the argument he made for why the two of you _should_ be together. He didn't back down when I asked him hard questions. He promised me he'd always love and protect you... and my instincts tell me I can believe him. I'm not 'worry-free' as you'd say, but I'm giving Spike the benefit of the doubt. I believe in giving people second chances." 

"Did you at least tell Spike you were okay with me and him dating?" Buffy asked apprehensively. "Your opinion means a lot to him..."

"Yes, I told Spike I was going to trust him to be good to you. That's how we ended things, I thought that would've made up for the... unpleasant parts of our talk. I thought he'd be happy..."

"I guess I'll find out how he really feels about everything tomorrow..." Buffy finally gave Joyce a half-hug, closing her eyes and pushing all the negativity away. She felt guilty for making her mother feel bad -- even if her mom deserved to feel bad for putting Spike through more bullshit. But after Joyce's health scare, Buffy never wanted to fight with her again.

Joyce patted Buffy's back comfortingly. "Don't worry, honey. Spike will be alright once he's had a good night's... or good day's sleep."

Buffy nodded, hoping it would be resolved that easily.

* * *

Spike went to the garage, had a few beers and tinkered with his car for a while. But then he thought of how disappointed Buffy looked when he'd left the house. What if she thought he was throwing in the towel already? Her family and friends would have to do a lot worse for Spike to even consider giving up his budding romance with Buffy, especially now that Joyce had given her stamp of approval. But Buffy probably wasn't so sure... she was paranoid about another man in her life leaving her. 

Spike made the decision to see if he could catch up with Buffy on patrol. He hadn't made much progress on his car, but he had taken a tire iron to one of the many wrecked cars in the junkyard which helped him get a lot of his pent-up frustration and anger out. He felt much better, especially after he'd drawn a crude picture of Xander on the hood of a car and then beat the hell out of it.

* * *

Buffy was in the middle of a routine patrol, trying to focus on her job and not her broody boyfriend... were all vampires this broody or just the ones Buffy liked? Or maybe they were only broody because of her? Did she inspire broodiness? Her thoughts kept straying to Spike. 

She felt like she should go see Spike at the garage and give him a pep-talk; on the other hand, she wanted to give him space if he felt he'd been picked on too much today and just needed to be alone to blow off some steam. It figured, she hadn't found one vamp or demon to slay so far and she needed to blow off some steam too. What if she didn't go to talk to him, and he was actually packing up to leave town? No... she had to try trusting Spike and believe he wouldn't give up and leave her. All the tension created today was bad for Buffy's nerves. 

Buffy thought she couldn't just go chasing after Spike every time he got upset, hurt, or angry. She would have to learn to just let some things play out without trying to track him down to talk, and trust that he meant everything he'd said. Why couldn't Spike chase after her for once? She needed to be pursued and soothed sometimes too. Hell, he used to do that all the time... she couldn't chase him away with a stick... now that she actually wanted him to come around, he's nowhere to be found. She'd never understand men if she lived to be a thousand...

Just then, Buffy heard the sound of a lighter clicking to life. She turned to see Spike walking toward her, lighting a cigarette.

"Hey, pet."

Buffy smiled tentatively, surprised to see him again tonight. Did he come looking for her to tell her he was okay, or to break up with her and give her the old 'It's not you, it's me' speech? But he did look much more at ease than he did when he'd left her house... of course, that could be because he just doesn't care anymore. 

If what he was about to tell her was bad, she'd rather put it off a few more minutes, to pretend they were still 'okay'. "Hey there. I thought you were going to work on your car?" 

Spike half-shrugged and blew out a plume of cigarette smoke. "I did, then I got bored."

"You get bored easy... I think you might have Attention Deficit Disorder. Do they have Ritalin for vampires?" Buffy joked through her nervousness. "Don't have a large attention span, do ya?"

He smirked. "There are some things I can do for hours without gettin' bored, luv. And..." Spike was about to mention a part of him that was _large_ , but then he stopped talking, closed his eyes and hung his head back. "Sorry... I don't know why I can't stop sayin' shit like that."

Buffy rolled her eyes, smiling a bit and feeling slightly relieved. Spike was making with naughty comments and acting like his normal self, so maybe he really was okay, after all. "I told you that you don't have to censor _every_ naughty thing you want to say, Spike. I'd let you know if I wanted you to shut up."

"That's true... you've never had a problem tellin' me to shut my cakehole. But I try to stop myself _before_ I say something that'll piss you off or make you uneasy."

"Despite what Anya thinks, I'm not a prude -- _Caligula_ would probably be considered a prude by her standards. I can hear some bawdy talk without fainting or getting offended." Buffy linked arms with him. "I've got some more patrolling to do, wanna join me?" 

Spike nodded and flicked away his cigarette, and then they started strolling through the cemetery together. 

Buffy bit her lip, and then broached the subject they'd both been putting off. "My mom said she was sorry for being mean to you."

Spike rolled his eyes. "She wasn't _mean_ to me. Please don't tell me you told her I said that? I'm not some wilting violet who needs constant care... I'm not a nancy-boy who can't take pressure -- I just needed a bloody break from all the interrogating I've gotten today." He sighed tiredly, but then looked at her out of the corner of his eye and smirked. "I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition..."

" _Nobody_ expects the Spanish Inquisition," Buffy laughed. She'd watched many episodes of Monty Python's Flying Circus over the years. She'd usually joined Dawn who was already watching an episode... That was probably part of Dawn's 'Spike homework' (learning about what her secret crush liked), now that Buffy thought about it.

"Ah! That's m' girl!" Spike put an arm around her shoulders, and Buffy slipped an arm around his waist. "You gave the correct response and passed my little test."

"Oh, I'm being tested, huh?" Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Of course. I must make sure you meet my exceedingly high standards," Spike said haughtily, using a more refined English accent. 

After a few moments, Buffy asked seriously, "You're really okay after everything that happened today?" 

"Yes, I'm really okay, pet. Your mum had every right to say the things she did... not that I enjoyed it or would want to go through it again anytime soon... But she's your mum, and looking after their cubs is what mums do best. I'm just lucky she has a big heart like you... she could've been much tougher on me. Joyce put me on the spot, but she listened to what I had to say with an open mind. What matters is, she gave me her tentative blessing in the end... and that makes any discomfort I had to bear completely worth it. 

"Everyone else who doesn't approve of me can do their worst, I'll be just fine as long as I have you. You're not pissed at me for runnin' off again tonight?"

"Well, you didn't so much 'run off' as 'walk off at a leisurely pace' -- but I could do with a lot less of seeing you walk away from me... unless you're wearing something that shows off your butt." Buffy giggled giddily. She was in a very good mood now that she knew for sure Spike wasn't scared away by her mother. "I never say things like that -- see the bad influence you're having on me?"

Spike smirked. "You're naughty."

"I don't have nothin' on you." Buffy looked around at the silent cemetery and sighed. "I ain't gettin' no vamp action tonight."

"You could..." Spike stopped himself right there. "Never mind..."

"I could, what? Oh, was that sentence going to become naughty?" she asked knowingly, smirking a bit herself.

"...Yeah. But I stopped m'self in time -- that's good, right?"

"I'm curious about what you were going to say. Please _do_ finish the sentence." Buffy batted her eyes at him, smiling slyly. 

Spike cleared his throat. "I was gonna joke and say... you could have all the 'vamp action' you want right here an' now..." He looked at her nervously. "Wasn't even really that funny... Sorry 'bout that too."

Buffy laughed. "It was kinda funny -- and, of course, naughty. Actually..." She stopped and turned to face him, taking the lapels of his jacket in her hands. "I was gonna follow-up my 'no vamp action' remark by asking if you wanted to kiss me and give me some action... Interested?" She bit her bottom lip coquettishly (which Spike found irresistible). 

Spike's worried expression changed into a happy grin. " _Very_ interested." He wrapped his arms around her as Buffy slid her arms up around his neck and their lips met.

Buffy felt a wave of chill bumps prickle her skin as she parted her lips and invited his cool tongue into her mouth. Spike accepted her silent invitation, swirling his tongue slowly around hers in a slow dance to an unheard symphony. Her body pressed against his felt like paradise... her sweet mouth tasted like ambrosia... her blood racing through her veins sounded like angels singing from on high. He fought his own desires to ravish her mouth with his, keeping his movements tantalizingly gentle and slow. He knew she needed time, and if there was one thing he had, it was time... and if this was what the wait would be like, then he could wait for more.

Buffy loosened some locks of his platinum hair from their gel hold and wrapped them around her fingers as her tongue danced with his, slowly twirling around each other in a delicate waltz. He tasted of tobacco and whiskey and... _man_. His body felt hard and strong against hers and she longed to touch his skin, to run her hands over those hard muscles of his chest... they fit together so perfectly, as if they were made for each other. Why was she waiting? Why was she holding back? Why couldn’t she just give in to her own desires? Why couldn’t she be more like Faith... want, take, have? As if to answer her question, her mind conjured the faces of the men that had left her... men she thought she loved, men that claimed to love her... then left.

Buffy pulled away from the kiss and leaned her forehead against Spike’s as she tried to get air back into her lungs and push those other men... those other disappointments, out of her mind.

“Do you love me?” she asked, her voice barely a whisper.

“I do...”

“How do you know?” Buffy questioned, pulling back to look into his bluer than blue eyes.

Spike smiled softly at her and brushed some stray hairs back from her face. “Because I can’t stop thinkin’ about you... dreaming of you... wanting to be near you. You fill my heart with light and hope and... joy. I’m drowning in you, Summers. I’d face the Spanish Inquisition every bloody day if this was my reward at the end... just to be near you... just to look in your eyes... to taste your sweet lips...”

Buffy leaned her body heavily against his, feeling like she could melt right into him. "God... I love when you talk like that," she moaned, then brushed her lips over his cheek. "When you left the house... I thought maybe you were tired of getting the third-degree from everyone already. I thought maybe you'd... had enough."

Spike moved his hands slowly over her back. "Uh-uh." He turned his face to capture her lips, giving them a soft kiss, and then a little nibble. "Wild bloody horses couldn't drag me away from you, luv. Well, maybe they could drag me away for an hour or so... but not permanently. I'll always find my way back to you."

Buffy noticed a nice big tree off to their left, perfect for leaning against while making out. She gently pushed Spike until he walked backwards into the tree. 

Spike leaned his back against the trunk of the tree. "You seem to fancy pushin' me into trees."

Buffy pressed her body against his again, putting her hands on his chest and lightly rubbing his firm pecs through his shirt. "Mmmhmm. Trees are good for kissin' under."

"Just make sure there's not a sharp branch protruding from the tree 'fore you push me into it. Wouldn't that be just our luck?"

"Don't worry, I'll be on the lookout for..." Buffy's eyes dropped downward between their bodies, then went back up to meet his, "... _protruding_ things." She finished with an eyebrow wriggle.

Spike's smile expanded (along with another part of his anatomy), and he curled his tongue over his teeth, sliding it slowly over his lips. "I love hearin' you say dirty things."

"That was dirty?" Buffy said with mock-innocence. "You just have a filthy, smutty mind."

"You're a dirty girl an' you know it, Slayer. You've got me against the tree where you want me... so go on... have your way with me, if you must!" Spike said melodramatically, putting the back of his hand to his forehead and turning his face away, acting as if he were under duress. 

Buffy giggled, and wiggled her body against him. "The Slayer _always_ gets what she wants, don't you know that, you bad, naughty vampire? Resistance is futile."

Spike couldn't pretend he wasn't enjoying this. "Well..." he made a show of giving her a once-over, "you are a cute bird... maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe I'll even like it."

"Like it? Uh-uh. I'm gonna make you love it, baby," Buffy said huskily.

Their lips crashed together in an urgent, hungry kiss, both of them forgetting about the no power-snogging rule again. Their tongues probed the other's mouth, their hands sought out each other's smooth flesh. Spike slipped his hands under her shirt in the back, needing to feel her skin. Buffy's right hand found its way to his belt buckle, and then moved up and under the front of his shirt to feel his abs. The tantalizing way the tight, blue shirt hugged his sleek, ripped torso had made her fingers itch to touch him all day. And, oh, his muscles felt so good under her palm...

_'Holy shit!'_ Buffy thought. _'I seriously want to fuck him right here against this damn tree! Not very romantic... I want it to be romantic and sweet... I want to be able to tell him I love him when we... But this is... oh God, this is incredible...'_

"Getting me so hot... God... Spike," Buffy moaned against his lips. Her panties were becoming soaked with excitement and uncomfortable, making her squirm. _'I'd better take 'em off -- that'll help!'_ the sex-starved part of her mind exclaimed.

Spike growled lustily, his nostrils flaring with the powerful scent of her arousal. His hands moved down her back to her ass, taking two handfuls and kneading her firm cheeks and pulling her hips even harder against his. Buffy moaned into his mouth and let her hand fall back down to his belt. Her fingers toyed with the buckle as her brain waffled back and forth at lightning speed as to whether or not she should just give into temptation.

Spike (like Buffy) was caught up in the moment, and was just about to hoist her legs up around his waist when they heard laughing, followed by someone saying: 

"Mmm-mmm, you two are fun to watch! But I think I might join ya and have even _more_ fun before I kill ya!"

Buffy and Spike, both breathing hard, turned their heads to see a fledgling, male vampire (still dressed in his burial suit) leering at them and licking his fangs. 

Buffy scrunched up her nose. "Ick. Well... that killed the mood."

They parted and took a few long strides away from each other for more fighting room, breathing deeply and shaking their heads to quickly clear the fog of lust from their brains. 

"Bloody hell," Spike groaned, looking skyward as he moved away from Buffy. "Why do we get interrupted every bloody time we start kissing? We need to snog indoors from now on." When he looked back to Buffy, she had a stake in her hand. _'Where was she hidin' that? She's a bloody magician,'_ Spike thought.

"Being indoors doesn't guarantee interruption-free smoochies, either," Buffy pointed out, getting a good grip on her stake. "Harmony interrupted us while we were indoors -- with a crossbow. At least this perv only got a cheap thrill and giggled. I'll take a giggle over a crossbow any day."

"Yeah, you've got a point," Spike admitted. "I just hate bein' interrupted by anything or anyone when we're snogging."

"Look at the bright side, at least it's an anonymous vamp and not Dave again."

"Actually, I'd rather it _was_ Spicoli -- I'd have a right good excuse to kill him this time. But alas," Spike sighed, "it's just another run o' the mill fledge, fresh from the grave, full of piss an' vinegar and mush for brains."

The vampire growled angrily, enraged that they were acting so unconcerned when he was trying to scare them. He charged at Buffy -- mistakenly thinking she was the weaker of the two and could be easily brought down; he hadn't noticed the stake in her hand, unfortunately for him. Buffy punched the vamp in the face when he got close enough, which sent him spinning to Spike. Spike punched and then kicked him in the gut, sending him back to Buffy. She knocked the vampire's legs out from under him, and then dropped to her knees and staked him on the ground.

"That was another less than epic battle," Buffy commented as she stood and brushed the dust from her clothes. "Is it my imagination or are the vampires around here getting lazier? And that was the first nibble I had all night, where are all the bloodthirsty demons hiding? Guess I shouldn't complain, though. Maybe they all started smoking pot."

Spike adjusted his hard-on (a visit with Rosy Palm and her Five Dancing Sisters would be in order as soon as he and Buffy parted company for the night), and then kicked at some of the vamp dust with his boot. "You coulda let him live a few minutes longer, luv. We were just startin' to get him going like a pinball machine."

She made a face. "Not my style. I don't like playing with them too much, seems kinda cruel; I just try to get the job done."

"But you do it with flair," Spike added. 

Buffy shrugged and tucked the stake into the pocket of her jacket. "I try. It sucks that I only found one to stake, but I guess that's good enough for tonight. You've been walking me home a lot lately, I'd like to walk you home for once."

"Got no argument here." They started walking to the crypt. "Sorry I... uh..." Spike cleared his throat. "Sorry I got carried away before that wanker interrupted us... Don't hold it against me... Let me rephrase that last bit -- don't be pissed at me for briefly losing my higher brain functions."

Buffy's blush returned with a vengeance. That vampire coming along when it did prevented her from giving into her desire for Spike... which was both good and bad. Good, because she really did want their first time to be romantic, she also wanted to be able to honestly and unreservedly tell Spike that she loved him too. And it was bad, because Buffy was still horny as hell and wanted to ride Spike like a prize pony -- and there was an extra feeling of restlessness from slaying... Damn, she hated to admit, even to herself, that Faith had been right about anything, but slaying did make Slayers hungry and horny.

"Well... you weren't exactly molesting me, Spike. I was into it, too. We both got carried away there for a minute... It was the power-snogging that got us." Buffy reached out to hold his hand while they walked. "I want our first time together to be romantic... not screwing against a tree in the cemetery." 

Spike swallowed his frustration and took a few deep, steady breaths to get his mind and body fully back under control. "I know, pet... I want it to be romantic too. I want to make love to you... and doin' it against trees in cemeteries definitely falls into the 'fucking' category... not a whole lotta romance in it. We're not in a rush, no worries." He chanted to himself, _'She's worth the wait... she's worth the wait... I will be strong... I will be strong...'_

"You're probably really disappointed that we're not going to... continue... Are you mad... or feel a brood comin' on, perhaps?" Buffy hoped he'd smile, and he did.

Spike entwined his fingers with hers. "I'm not mad, and there will be absolutely no bloody _brooding_. I told you before, I _don't_ brood." It had been a very long time since just holding hands with a girl gave him a thrill, but he did get a thrill from it with Buffy. It wasn't as big as the thrill he'd had a few minutes ago, before they were once again so rudely interrupted... But Buffy would've regretted it... and he didn't want that. He was positive about one thing though, Buffy wanted him too.

"You know, I'm really proud of you," Buffy said, squeezing his hand.

Spike grinned, pleased to hear her say she was proud of him about anything. "For what?"

"For having the courage to sit down and talk with my mom tonight."

Spike snorted. "Yeah, ain't I the brave one? Havin' the courage to sit across from a mild-mannered, middle-aged, suburban mother of two and answer questions... I hope the Watchers put that in my bio, it'll make my enemies quake with fear." 

Buffy rolled her eyes and laughed. "Okay, maybe it wasn't a 'facing down the armies of Hell' kinda brave, but I know it was hard for you to talk to her, and I think you were brave for doing it. But I suggest you don't call my mom 'middle-aged' to her face -- that'd go beyond brave. I'm also proud, and very relieved, that you stuck up for 'us' and didn't back down."

"The days of me flip-flopping about 'us' are over, pet. The only one for me is you, and you for me, we can be happy together... like the song says. You don't have to worry 'bout me changing my mind again, alright?"

Buffy smiled and nodded, trying to take that to heart. 

As they approached the crypt, Spike stopped and turned to her. "Thanks for escorting me home, Miss Summers. There's lotsa unsavory types 'round here at night, I feel much safer with you." 

"No problem, Mr. Swann. It's my job to protect the citizens of Sunnydale from evildoers. But I don't escort _just anyone_ home... You're special." Buffy put her hands on his sides and stood on her tiptoes to kiss his lips.

"Mmmm, I do feel rather special at the moment..." Spike purred, taking her into his arms. He wanted to lift her up and carry her inside, and then make mad, passionate love to her all night long. But... there'd be a right time for that in the future... hopefully in the _near_ future.

He took her lower lip between his, sucking on it softly, then teased the seam of her mouth with the tip of his tongue. Buffy responded by opening her mouth and drawing his tongue in. She wound her fingers through his soft, platinum hair as their lips and tongues engaged in sensual combat. Spike's splayed hands moved over her back and held her tighter to him as they began to get lost in each other again.

They both realized they should stop at about the same time. They broke the kiss and took a step back from each other.

"Almost got carried away again..." Buffy said with an anxious chuckle.

"Yeah... it's easy to get carried away when we're... doin' that."

"Yeah..." Buffy swallowed hard, then forced herself to change the subject. "So, um, what's the plan for our date tomorrow? Your car's not fixed yet, so are we walking or taking another carriage ride?" 

"No worries, I've got it covered."

"Ooh, more mysterioso plans, huh?"

"Not really... just our transportation will be a surprise. I hope you won't be disappointed. The evening's not going to be nearly as grand as last night..."

"I loved our first date, but I'm looking forward to us having a 'regular' date too. Just two regular people doing regular things."

Spike scoffed, "Regular people? _Us_?"

"Yes, I know you're a century-old vampire, and I'm the mystical Slayer, but at our cores we're just 'Buffy and Spike'. And Buffy and Spike are getting to know each other like regular people, just like we did at the restaurant."

Spike nodded, he'd enjoyed talking with her over dinner too. They'd learned new things about each other and shared some laughs, which was more than Spike could've ever hoped to have with her not long ago. He'd always remember how especially beautiful Buffy looked last night as she sat across the table from him, how her eyes sparkled when she smiled at him, and the warmth he'd seen in them. Getting to know each other was turning out to be fun -- though it wasn't easy to control his raging desire for her. 

"I'll drop by the shop tomorrow... _briefly_ ," Spike said. "I've got some business to attend to, I won't be able to stay long." 

"You don't have to, Spike. I'd like to see you there, but I'll understand if you don't want to..." Buffy didn't want to push Spike to the limits of his tolerance so soon. After the difficult day he'd had, she'd understand if he wanted to avoid her friends and family for a little while.

"No, I want to put in an appearance, show 'em they've got no chance of runnin' me off for good. One thing they should know about me by now -- I'm a persistent bugger and not easy to get rid of. But after that, I've gotta go to the garage and work on my car for a while; I'm never gonna get her back on the road if I don't."

"Okay." Buffy kissed him one more time, her lips lingering on his for a few moments. "You go get some beauty sleep, I'm going home to do the same."

"See you tomorrow, then, pet. Sweet dreams."

It wasn't easy for Spike to watch Buffy walk away... though the view was awfully nice. Seeing her firm, tight ass swaying back and forth was hypnotic. He had the impulse to call out to her and beg her to stay, but stopped short of actually doing so. He had to be patient with his little hummingbird and give her the time and space she needed. Also, his little hummingbird might get pissed and kick his ass if he pushed for too much too soon. Or she might pout because he wasn't being patient like he'd promised. One of Buffy's adorable pouts was just as effective on him as a punch to the gut -- as a matter of fact, it was even more effective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mucho thanks, as always, to my intrepid beta Passion4Spike. I don't know how I ever got along without her ^_^


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for yet another long delay between updates, I'm doing the best I can with what time I have to get things done. But I want you to know I haven't given up on the story :)
> 
> Big thanks and lurve to my lovely & talented beta, Passion4Spike, for all of her support and input! =D
> 
> Banners by xoChantelly and Edgehead

 

Buffy and Spike had both engaged in some self-pleasure last night -- Buffy did it when she went to bed, and Spike did it as soon as he closed the crypt door behind him. They thought about each other as their hands rubbed and stroked their heated flesh.

And then, of course, there were the requisite naughty dreams.

In Spike's dream, Buffy was dressed like Raquel Welch in the movie 'One Million Years B.C.', and even more strangely, Spike was wearing a white spacesuit like an astronaut. They didn't speak the same language, Buffy only spoke in inarticulate grunts, but that didn't stop them from getting to know each other. Cave Girl Buffy was direct and to the point, she'd shredded Spike's spacesuit and ravished him.

Buffy's dream had more of a plot than Spike's. It took her back in time to a little over a year ago, back when Spike had first gotten chipped and was being kept tied to a chair in Giles' apartment. In the real world, Buffy had staunchly hated Spike back then, but she felt quite a bit differently in the dream version of events. She surprised Spike by 'taking advantage' of him while he was tied up. Spike had protested and told her to get away from him at first, but he'd changed his tune real fast when Buffy unzipped him and started sucking his dick. They had some hot, wild dream-sex that caused Buffy to wake up all hot and sweaty and in need of a shower. Thank goodness Dawn wasn't standing over her bed when she woke up this time...

Buffy loved the confidence she'd felt in that dream -- Dream Buffy had no worries about whether she would be able to satisfy Spike, she _knew_ she could. Now if she could just feel a little of that confidence in the real world...

* * *

Buffy smiled to herself as she got ready to go to the Magic Box and thought about her crazy, passionate dream. Her subconscious was apparently determined to get some action since she was being stubborn about it. How very _kinky_ she was in that dream -- she wouldn't take no for an answer, she took what she wanted and seduced Spike, she'd made him beg for it... A blush spread over Buffy's face as she looked in the mirror and brushed her hair.

The waiting to be intimate with Spike was hard, but it was kind of nice in a way too. She knew Spike wanted her, but he was trying to be patient, which she thought was very sweet and admirable. Restraint was not something Spike was known for. Waiting gave them a chance to really get to know each other as individuals, and so far they were getting along very well and liking all the new things they discovered about the other. It also gave them both time to change their minds about being together before they got in too deep...

Tonight would be their second official date. If all went well, Buffy had a feeling she'd be that much closer to being ready to take their relationship to the next level. She was liking Spike more and more, and she certainly _lusted_ for him, love couldn't be that far behind... could it?

Her cell phone started ringing, playing the 'I Wanna Be Sedated' ringtone. Buffy grinned and picked up the phone from her nightstand. "Hiya, handsome," she answered. "You're up early, did you sleep at all?"

"Hello, pet. Yeah, I slept for a few hours. Did you sleep well?"

"Mmhmm." Buffy chewed on a thumbnail. "And I had a _very pleasant_ dream..."

"Did you now?" Spike smirked, holding the phone between his ear and shoulder while he changed a tire on the DeSoto. That she was dreaming about him was a _very_ good sign. "Anything 'bout it you want to share with me?"

"Well..." Buffy said, looking out into the hallway, and then closing her bedroom door for some privacy, "it was dirty... but, oh... I'm too shy to talk about it," she said coyly.

"Can you at least tell me if I was with you in the dream?"

She laughed, "Yes, of course you were there! Would've been pretty mean of me to tell you about it if you weren't in it. You had a _big_ part in it."

"I'm intrigued now. I want to know more about this naughty dream of yours... Were there costumes or props?" There was a metallic sound, followed by Spike shouting, "Motherfucker!" And then she heard some loud thumps, like the phone was just dropped on the ground.

Buffy's eyes widened, wondering what was going on. Was he being attacked? "What's wrong?! Spike?" She heard growling and more muttered curse words.

"Sorry, luv, I dropped the phone. You still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. What happened?"

"Nothin'... just caught my finger with the bloody wrench." 

"Is your finger okay?"

"It's alright -- still attached," he flexed his finger, "just smarts a bit."

"Making any progress on the car?"

"Yeah, that's what I was callin' to talk to you about. But you got me all flustered and distracted with all that dirty dream talk."

"Sorry," Buffy giggled. "You shouldn't've been trying to multitask. Put down the tools and step away from all heavy equipment next time you're talking to me."

"That's true, you should come with a warnin' label -- I shouldn't use tools, operate heavy machinery or motor vehicles while talkin' to you," Spike said, only half-joking. It was dangerous for him to be doing anything when Buffy even hinted at anything sexual, his mind tended to wander under those circumstances. "Listen, luv, I won't be able to make it to the shop this afternoon like we planned. I need to put more time in on the car."

"Oh... that's okay. It's probably a good idea to wait a day or two, anyway." Buffy assumed he'd reconsidered coming because of her friends' disapproval. It pissed her off all over again that her friends were being so suspicious of Spike's motives... well, it was mostly Xander.

"We could stop in together on our way back from the coffeehouse tonight. Would that be alright with you?"

"Yeah, we could do that if you want." Buffy smiled, glad that he wasn't chickening out about facing the Scoobies again so soon. "I've got some stuff I need to do this afternoon, going to the shop this evening would work better for me, too."

Buffy wanted to go about her daily routine as normally as possible, which included spending time at the shop surrounded by her friends, partly so they would see that Spike wasn't trying to keep her away from them, or have them think she might be shirking her responsibilities because of her new relationship. They didn't need any extra shit to accuse Spike of doing wrong.

"Right. I'll pick you up at your house 'round 7:30?" Spike asked.

"Uh-huh. Last time you told me to dress fancy, any recommendations this time?"

"Hmm... yeah, wear pants."

Buffy laughed. "Well, I wasn't going to go all pants-less and naked below the waist. I don't think they'd let me in the coffeehouse that way."

"I meant, wear pants _rather than_ a dress or skirt." Spike licked his lips, his voice got huskier. "You bad girl... now you got me thinkin' of you bein’ half-naked..."

"We'd better stop talking like this or you'll end up injuring yourself again. I'll see you at 7:30. And be careful with those tools, I want to go out and have fun tonight with a fully-intact boyfriend."

"I'll be careful, pet." Spike took a five minute break after he hung up. He wouldn't be able to get anything accomplished if he didn't get the image of a half-naked Buffy out of his head. 

He had to get back down to business to get everything he wanted to accomplish done. Spike had to finish up replacing the tires on the car, and then he had plans to meet Clem, and then a stop or two to make after that. It was going to be another busy day. 

He smirked as he washed up, wondering what exactly Buffy had dreamed. Was it as erotic (and strange) as his had been? 

Spike had dreams and fantasies where he was the one in charge, ripping Buffy's clothes off and fucking her senseless. But some of the fantasies that turned him on the most had Buffy as the aggressor -- there was just something about Buffy burning with so much passion for him that she had to have him right then and there... 

Spike shivered with arousal, hoping those dreams would come true someday... hopefully someday soon.

* * *

Buffy called Tara and asked if she and Willow wanted to go shopping with her at the mall, since the witches both had the day free from classes. Buffy included Willow in the outing, trying to be more optimistic that her best friend was going to be more supportive. The girls agreed to meet Buffy near the big clock at the mall's entrance.

Buffy borrowed the Jeep from a hesitant Joyce (despite passing Driver's Ed., the Slayer's driving skills left much to be desired), and drove to the mall for an afternoon of shopping fun. As she walked from the car to the meeting place, she spotted Tara and Willow standing near the clock and looking up at the sky.

"That one kinda looks like a seal balancing a ball on its nose," Tara observed.

"Yeah?" Willow squinted. "Looks more like a lion with a... cowboy riding on its back to me."

Buffy went to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Willow and looked up. "Hey, guys. What're you looking at?"

"Hi, Buffy. We're just cloud gazin'," Willow replied. "Settle the argument -- does that cloud look like a seal or a lion to you?" She pointed to the cloud in question.

Buffy thought the cloud clearly resembled Spike lying naked in a pool of honey... but she didn't want to say that out loud. "Um... just looks like a shapeless blobby thing to me. Does that mean I'm crazy?"

"Aw, you have a better imagination than that..." Willow looked at her. "Why are you blushing?"

Buffy ducked her head to hide her pink face. "I'm not blushing. It's just... hot out here." She fanned herself with her hand. "Aren't you hot? I mean... look -- sun! I'm not used to it... we better go inside, I might combust out here in the daylight."

Tara smiled, having a feeling she knew what was on Buffy's mind. "The cloud looks like Spike?"

Buffy shrugged, but couldn't help smiling. "I won't confirm or deny that." She put a hand over her eyes. "It's so weird, it's hard to stop thinking about him. I haven't felt like this about a guy... for a long time."

Willow nodded. "Mmhmm, that's how it is at the beginning -- you see their face everywhere. Like those miracles where people see the Virgin Mary or Jesus in all kinds of bizarre places. Let me know if you see Spike's image in a tortilla or a piece of toast."

"So far it's just been Cloud Spike... and I may have seen his likeness in my bowl of Cheerios this morning."

The girls laughed.

Buffy smiled at Willow, thankful that her best friend was obviously trying to be cool about her dating Spike. There was no grimace or worried frown on her friend's face, just Willow's usual pleasant smile. "Will, thanks for... being more accepting. I know me and Spike is hard for you to understand... I'm still getting used to the idea too."

Willow shook her head. "I should've been supportive from the second you said it was what you wanted. I'm sorry I was being a poop-head... Spike did save your life, for that alone he deserves a chance to prove he's really on our side now. I just worry about you, Buffy." She sighed and looked down. "I was totally encouraging about you dating Angel... and then Riley, and... I was afraid to cheer you on this time. If things didn't work out with you and Spike, I'd feel so guilty..."

Buffy hugged her, it made her feel a bit better to be okay with Willow again. "I understand. And you shouldn't feel guilty about the other guys. I _needed_ my best friend to talk to when things were good... and especially when things went bad. You were just being my friend and wanting me to be happy. So don't feel guilty, okay?"

Willow sniffled and nodded against Buffy's shoulder, hugging her tighter for a moment.

Buffy continued to say, "I realize you guys are just worried about me getting burned... again. But I think I might have a real shot at being happy this time..." She let Willow go and stepped back. "When Spike's kissing me or just holding my hand, or when we're talking, it's like... I feel this... _rightness_. Like this is what Spike and I were supposed to be doing from the beginning instead of fighting... Does that make sense?"

Willow and Tara chuckled and nodded, knowing that feeling very well themselves. 

"So, what are we shopping for today?" Tara asked with a grin. Her shyness had prevented her from making more than a few good friends all her life, she was thrilled that Buffy was feeling more comfortable with her. Knowing how much Buffy meant to Willow made Tara more determined to be good friends with the Slayer. 

Buffy went over a list in her mind. "Well... all kinds of stuff, but mostly for some nice things I want to have for a special occasion... like new lingerie. Will, I was wondering if you could burn a music CD for me today? I don't know how to do that stuff."

"Yeah, sure, Buffy!" Willow said enthusiastically. "That's a piece of cake!" She liked being asked to do computer related tasks, that kind of thing was easy for her. She'd fight vamps and demons if she had to, but computers and magick were Willow's fortes and the areas she felt most comfy. And she was eager to do a favor for Buffy to make up for not being in her corner for the last week. "Is the music for that same special occasion you'll be wearing the new lingerie for, by any chance?" 

Buffy giggled and nodded, her blush returned. "I want to have everything ready for when... I'm ready. Spike and I are... waiting to get _close_ , we're getting to know each other better and all that good stuff first -- you know, with actual words instead of fists."

Willow and Tara tried hiding their surprise that Buffy and Spike hadn't had sex yet -- they'd just assumed (along with the rest of the Scoobies) that sex had been on the agenda for the blond couple's first date (if not before it). It was hard to believe Spike could be made to wait -- he was known for his _lack_ of patience. Buffy had to have a truly powerful influence over him if she could make him wait for sex.

The Wiccans mused that if Buffy was planning her sex outfit and music to boink by, she was closer to being ready than she wanted to admit.

* * *

As Buffy had hoped, the three of them had a fun afternoon together. They shopped, and snacked, talked and laughed a lot, and then they shopped some more.

She didn't ask them to, but the girls were kind enough to pay when some things she wanted to buy were too expensive. They understood that the Slayer didn't have an income, all the money she had came from either Giles or her mother, neither of whom were rolling in dough. Willow's parents were both professionals and well-off financially, they never said 'no' when Willow needed money, they'd give it to her with no questions asked (the one drawback to it was that her parents tended to throw money at her in lieu of actual good parenting and communication). And Tara worked a few days a week in the anthropology department at school, so she had some money coming in too.

Buffy felt guilty for being a charity case, but who was she to say no if her friends wanted to do something nice for her? Her pride stung a bit by accepting freebies from them, but she could bear it if it meant she got what she needed and it made her friends happy about being able to help her. 

Buffy gave Willow a list of songs she wanted to have on the special CD, and Willow promised to get it finished by tomorrow. And then Buffy would have just about all the things she'd wanted to make a very special evening with Spike. She didn't know exactly when she'd feel 'ready', but she sensed it would be soon -- seeing a cloud vision of Spike naked in a pool of honey was surely a sign from God.

* * *

It was almost 7:30, Buffy was nearly ready and looking at herself in the mirror. Dawn, who had helped her get ready again, was sitting on her bed and flipping through Teen People magazine.

Buffy was going for a casual yet stylish look tonight, wearing a green silk blouse, a pair of form-fitting blue jeans, and black high heeled boots. Her long, blonde hair hung loose around her shoulders, curling slightly at the ends; she'd achieved her goal of 'shampoo commercial' hair.

Buffy turned and looked over her shoulder at her backside in the mirror. "My butt looks great in these jeans." She patted the sides of her butt.

"Everybody's butt looks great in jeans," Dawn said, glancing up from her magazine. "Even I look like I have junk in the trunk when I wear a pair of tight ones."

"Well, this pair makes my butt look especially good." Buffy wiggled her hips to see what it looked like when she moved, she thought Spike would approve.

"Could we talk about something besides your ass?" Dawn joked, putting her magazine aside. "What jacket are you going to wear?"

Buffy went to her closet and got out a green suede jacket. "How about this one?" she asked as she pulled it on and modeled for her sister.

Dawn nodded. "Yeah, go with that, it looks good."

"And," Buffy said, going back to the mirror and turning around again, "it shows off my butt." She wiggled her hips again.

Dawn rolled her eyes and blew out a breath. "So sad. You're obsessed with your own skinny butt."

Buffy's brows knit. "Hey, it's not skinny!"

"Whether it's plump or bony, waving that thing around with Spike behind you will be like dangling red meat in front of a lion. You sure you want your butt looking too good?" Dawn had pressed for details about the first date, making Buffy admit that kissing was as far as it went, and that she and Spike were 'waiting'. Dawn thought, if _she_ were Spike's girlfriend, she would've jumped him before they got the check at the restaurant.

"Hmmm..." Buffy wondered if Dawn was right. Would showing off her assets be too tempting for poor sex-starved Spike? She wanted to look good for him, but...

The loud rumbling of a motorcycle could be heard from outside. Dawn hopped up from the bed and went to the window. "Oh... I think your ride's here."

It seemed that Buffy would have to take the risk that her shapely, denim-clad posterior would drive Spike wild. "Perfect timing," Buffy said as she checked her makeup one more time in the mirror. "He's on a motorcycle?"

"Yep." Dawn watched as Spike walked up to the front porch and thought, _'My God, he's so hot... Buffy better appreciate my sacrifice.'_ Dawn opted to stay upstairs until they left again, there was no way she could possibly hide how yummy she thought Spike looked.

Buffy finished up, and then went quickly downstairs and answered the door a few moments after Spike knocked. She took a step back to admire his new clothes. Her eyes moved over him from head-to-toe and back again. "My, my, my... you look very..." 

Spike was dressed like the classic 'bad boy' your parents warned you about, one of those rebellious troublemakers that were secretly appealing to so many women. He was wearing a black leather jacket with a plain white t-shirt underneath, slightly faded blue jeans, a black belt with a silver buckle, and black motorcycle boots. His hair looked great too -- a sea of platinum blond waviness with minimal use of styling gel; it looked so soft, Buffy could already see herself running her fingers through it.

Buffy again wondered how she'd kept from hardcore perving on Spike in the past, no matter how much she'd hated him. Had she been completely _blind_?! Whether he was wearing an Armani suit or a t-shirt and jeans (or naked and lying in a pool of honey), he was the sexiest, most gorgeous, incredibly edible man she'd ever seen. 

"What's the verdict: good or bad?" Spike asked when she didn't finish her sentence. He held his arms out and did a little turn for her to get the full effect.

She was sorta mesmerized by his hotness... and his tight butt looked great in his jeans too. "Hmm? Oh, I think you look good... _very_ good." Buffy dabbed at the corner of her mouth to make sure she wasn't drooling. Spike was also wearing more jewelry than she'd seen him wear before -- a thick, silver chain necklace and matching bracelets, as well as a few silver rings. "I like the bling, too."

Spike chuckled. "Thanks, I wanted to sparkle for ya." He stepped over the threshold and put one hand on her waist. He put his other hand to her hair, winding one of her blonde locks around his finger loosely. "And you look ravishing, as always, Goldilocks." 

They leaned forward and kissed softly. Their lips were brushing together with little pressure, but the tingles they got from the contact were electric. 

Buffy couldn't resist running her fingers through his hair, it felt just as soft and inviting as she'd imagined it would. She tickled at his mouth with the tip of her tongue, getting a bit carried away already. Spike moved his hands around to her back and was about to slide them down to her ass, when Joyce cleared her throat from the doorway to the living room.

The kissing blonds dropped their hands and took a step away from each other, attempting to look innocent.

Joyce gave him a friendly smile. "Hi, Spike."

"Hello, Joyce." Spike smiled back, thrusting his hands into his jacket pockets. He was still a little nervous around her after last night.

"I wanted to tell you I was... sorry if I was too hard on you yesterday. I didn't know Buffy's friends had put you through the wringer once already."

Spike shook his head. "No need to apologize, Joyce. That was a talk we needed to have, it's good that we got it outta the way."

She nodded, relieved he wasn't holding a grudge. "Buffy was pretty steamed at me after you left... I felt bad for insisting on having the talk with you last night."

Buffy gave her mother a hug to show all was forgiven. "I was only mad when I thought you'd chased my hunky boyfriend -- who's been extra touchy lately -- away. Everything's alright now. Spike was brave enough to come back to pick me up at the lion's den, he didn't run away with his tail between his legs." 

Joyce looked back to Spike. "You really should've told me you weren't in the mood to chat last night. We could've put it off a while longer."

"I didn't think that'd go over too well,” Spike explained. “You had important things you needed to discuss with me, and if I'd said no or tried makin' excuses to get out of it... well, that probably woulda worried you even more. Thought it best just to do it on your terms and hopefully put your mind to rest on a few matters." 

"I appreciate how honest you were, and that you were willing to hear me out." Joyce could see Spike was getting a little uncomfortable again, shifting a bit from foot to foot. "Well, why don't you two get going? As much as I know you'd love to, you can't stay here just gabbing with me all night."

"Okay, Mom. You have my cell number, call me if you need me. I'll probably be home late so... don't wait up. And try to just relax tonight, alright? You've been trying to do too much lately." 

Joyce rolled her eyes, and Spike noticed a distinct family resemblance between her and her daughters at that moment. "I'm _fine_ , Buffy. It's good for me to start getting back into my old routine."

"Yeah, but you're still technically recovering. So... take it easy," Buffy insisted.

Joyce sighed at her daughter's over protectiveness, but promised, "I will, honey."

Buffy gave her mother a kiss on the cheek before going out the front door with Spike.

Once they were halfway down the walkway, Buffy looked back at the house to make sure her mom or Dawn wasn't peeking out a window, then put her arm around Spike's waist, letting her hand brush over his butt. "You know when I said you looked 'very good' before?" 

"Yeah."

"You look _a lot_ better than that... you look extremely hot tonight." Buffy couldn't take her eyes off of him, she just wanted to look at him... and then look at him some more. Well... looking wasn't _all_ she wanted to do -- there'd definitely be some fondling included too. And she'd been concerned Spike would get too turned on by seeing her tight jeans? At the moment, she was the one having trouble containing her lust. The erotic dream she'd had, followed by the vision of naked, pool of honey lounging Cloud Spike, had put her libido in overdrive.

"Why, thank you, Miss Summers." Spike smirked, getting an ego boost (as well as a different kind of _boost_ from her hand making contact with his ass and her saying she thought he looked hot). "'M glad you approve of this outfit, too. So far I'm battin' a thousand, fashion-wise." 

“Is this one of the outfits you promised to model for me?”

“Mmhmm.”

“I’m definitely looking forward to more fashion shows... Don’t stop wearing your regular clothes too -- I’m gonna start missing the ‘Classic Spike’, man in black, look.” She finally tore her eyes away from him as they got to the motorcycle parked at the curb, it was a black and silver Harley Davidson. "Cool hog, man," Buffy said jokingly. 

"I should've asked if you'd be comfortable riding one before now, but... I really need to start askin’ first an’ not just _assuming_ you’ll like something."

Buffy smiled and poked lightly at his taut abdomen. “Well, that’d probably be a good idea, but so far I’ve loved every surprise you’ve sprung on me.” She patted the bike’s seat. "I've never ridden on one before, but it always looked like fun. Where'd you get it?" Buffy asked in a curious, nonjudgmental way. She trusted that he'd kept his 'no stealing for their dates' promise.

"Bloke at the garage lent it to me for the night. I’d kill to have one of these babies for my own... not literally, ’course. Ain't she a beaut?" Spike ran his hand reverently over the body of the bike. 

Buffy nodded, not knowing much at all about motorcycles, but thinking it was cool. As Spike mounted the bike, she had to stop and concentrate to get her hormones back under control again. The motorcycle somehow amplified his hotness; he looked even sexier straddling the powerful machine. 

Once Buffy could think straight again, she said with a touch of anxiety, "Um, you _do_ know how to drive one of these, right?"

"This is actually my very first time on a bike," Spike said casually as he raised the kickstand. "I think I got the hang of it on the way here, I only dropped it twice." At Buffy's nervous, wide-eyed stare, Spike cracked a smile and laughed loudly. "Kidding, luv. Yes, I know how to drive a bloody motorbike, 've been on one hundreds of times. I wouldn't risk takin' you for a ride if I wasn't sure I could handle it."

She smiled sheepishly and swatted at his arm. "You're bad, you had me going there for a second... Ooh, can I try driving it later?" Her eyes were wide with excitement this time; she’d always wanted to see what it was like to drive a motorcycle.

Spike was taken by surprise by her request. He didn't want to deny Buffy anything she asked of him, but he couldn't let her drive it. Besides the fact that she was a novice, he'd heard about Buffy's notoriously bad driving. Spike stammered as he tried to think of a good excuse to say no. "Uh... If... um... if it was mine, I'd say yes... but like I told you, it’s a loaner. First timers usually dump their bikes at least once, and I don't want you gettin' hurt or scratchin' up the Harley. Sorry, I gotta say no this time, pet."

"Oh... okay..." Buffy's bottom lip jutted out in a pout, she looked down at the ground.

Spike groaned. "Don't give me the pout... you know what that does to me..." He caved rather swiftly. " _Maybe_ you can try takin' it for a spin... we can talk about it later." He gave himself a mental kick in his Slayer-whipped ass.

Buffy's frown turned upside-down. "I thought I'd have to power-snog you to get you to say yes. Just the pout works, huh? Good to know."

Spike groaned again and rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Got me wrapped 'round your little bitty finger, you do. Just try not to wrap the bike 'round a telephone pole later, yeah?” He grasped the handlebars. “Hop on, little mama."

"I'm packin' tonight," Buffy said as she swung her leg over the seat and sat behind him.

“Packin’?”

Buffy patted her jacket. "I made sure to bring a stake with me this time in case we run into any unfriendly types in or around the coffeehouse, and for patrolling afterwards.”

"That’s my li’l Girl Scout; always prepared. You ready?" Spike asked, getting ready to start up the bike.

Buffy made sure she was comfy and wrapped her arms around Spike's middle. She had a hunch she was going to like the necessity of having to hold onto him like this. It was going to be hard to not take advantage of her position and touch him in inappropriate ways... Though, with her luck, Spike would crash the bike if her hands got too... _busy_. “Let's ride."

* * *

Spike parked the motorcycle in a lot a short walk from the coffeehouse.

“Wow, that was so much fun!” Buffy exclaimed as they dismounted, her loins still thrumming from the Harley's signature rumble... with maybe a little extra boost from having her body pressed against Spike's back the whole way.

Spike took out a cigarette and put it between his lips, the cigarette bobbed as he talked. "I love m' car but nothin' beats the freedom you feel when you're roarin' down the road on a Harley."

“My hair’s a tangley mess now... but it was worth it." She finger-combed her hair, hoping it didn't look frizzed out like she'd stuck her finger in a light socket. "I can’t wait to drive the bike myself.”

Spike bent his head to light his cigarette, looking warily up at her. “I said we’d _talk about_ that, pet.” He inhaled, and then exhaled a stream of smoke, taking care to blow it away from Buffy.

“Don’t make me pout at you again,” Buffy teased with a smile.

Spike sucked in his cheeks and puckered his lips, smiling back at her. “Think you’re the boss of me, eh? I might just have to even the playing field a bit.” He started walking out of the lot, puffing on his smoke. 

Buffy fell into step beside him. “Oh yeah? And you plan on doing that, how?”

"I could try pouting at you, too..." He turned his face to her, giving her an exaggerated pout.

Buffy giggled. "Aww, don't be sad."

"So you'd give me what I want if I do that?"

"Hmm... maybe, maybe not. I kinda just want to cuddle you."

"Well... gettin' my way would be good, but I'd take a cuddle." Spike flicked the cigarette away.

Buffy looked at him, her forehead creasing slightly. "I've noticed, several times, that you throw a cigarette away after only a few puffs... that's kinda wasteful, isn't it?"

Spike shrugged. "I'm a busy man, I don't always have time to finish a smoke. Sometimes a few hits is all I need to tide me over."

"You'd save some money if you just put it out and saved it for later." She looked at him with a bright, hopeful smile. "Better yet, you could stop smoking altogether!"

Spike shook his head and put an arm around her as they walked. "I'll give up evil for you, but you'll have to pry my smokes outta my cold, dead hands. A man's gotta have his vices."

* * *

There was a good-sized crowd at the Java Cafe for the poetry readings. Spike and Buffy managed to get a good table (cozy enough to give them some privacy, but close enough to hear the poets), and made themselves comfortable.

Along with their coffees, Spike suggested that Buffy get a cheese danish, and ordered a biscotti for himself. "If you're hungry for more of a meal, we could stop somewhere after the Magic Box," he said after the waiter left.

Buffy thought it'd be easier just to have dinner here, since they were _here_ and everything... But she only nodded, thinking perhaps Spike couldn't afford the food here. Or he might just want to do things a certain way; he seemed to enjoy planning their dates. He got so mopey when unexpected things popped up last time. Spike the anal-retentive vampire... who'da thunk it? Was this the same guy that crashed Parent-Teacher night 'cause he couldn't wait for St. Vigeous? But she did think it was sweet that he wanted everything to go smoothly and be perfect for her. 

They settled in and enjoyed the amateur poets, even if some of them weren't very good. It took guts to get up there and read something personal to a roomful of strangers.

During breaks in the readings, Spike told Buffy funny stories about attending poetry readings and salons over the years -- leaving out any parts where he bit people, of course. In the old days, he'd mingled with legendary figures such as Oscar Wilde (who was, according to Spike, a truly magnificent poof who wrote some equally magnificent plays and poems). He'd also frequented cafes during the late 1950s-early '60s to listen to the Beat poets. Spike informed her that Beatniks used to applaud by snapping their fingers instead of clapping, which Buffy thought was strange. 

From his trip down memory lane, Buffy saw that Spike had always sought out the people who were 'different' and lived by different rules than the rest of society, and whom society mostly frowned upon. The people who lived on the fringes of society (or were looked down on for one reason or another) were the ones Spike felt most at ease being among. She could understand why Spike might've felt drawn to her and the Scoobies. Buffy felt like an outcast, a freak who didn't fit in anywhere, sometimes too... that was another thing they had in common.

"Ah, almost forgot again. I have a little somethin' for you," Spike said, smiling and taking a small gift box out of his pocket.

Buffy grinned and took the wrapped gift from him. "Aww, Spike, you didn't have to get me anything this time."

"I couldn't give you jewelry like I wanted to for the first date... better late than never. Go on and open it." He held his breath needlessly, waiting to see if she liked it or not.

Buffy tore off the paper and opened up the box, revealing a gold charm necklace with a round piece of amber set in the center, and a separate little baggie full of gold charms. "I love it, Spike, thank you." She smiled and leaned across the table to give him a little kiss.

"I thought about gettin' you a ring... but figured it would get lost or broken with all the punches you throw in a day. Then I was gonna make it a charm bracelet, but then thought it could be broken or lost easily too. A necklace seemed the best bet -- you can tuck it into your shirt before a fight."

"There's a ton of charms in here," Buffy laughed, opening up the baggie and taking a few of them out.

Spike slid his chair around the table to be closer to her. "I thought you'd rather pick which charms you want on the necklace. They all have a significance." 

"What's the hummingbird for?" Buffy asked, holding the charm in the palm of her hand and showing it to him.

Spike chuckled. "That's 'cos I've thought of you as... my little hummingbird."

Buffy giggled. "Me, a hummingbird? I can safely say you're the first person to ever think of me like that. I see myself as more of a bull in a china shop."

Spike put his arm around the back of her chair and leaned over to kiss to her cheek. "You're dainty, graceful, and beautiful. Granted, you're a hummingbird who could kick my ass with one wing tied behind your back... but still."

Buffy was delighted as she went through the charms with Spike and he told her why he'd chosen them. He'd obviously been paying attention when she'd mentioned things she liked. Her favorite foods were represented by a little box of chocolates and a triangular slice of cheese. Other charms represented activities she enjoyed: a seashell for her love of the beach; an ice skate; a horse, because she mentioned how she used to love horseback riding; and a tiny book with "Poetry" in raised letters on the cover.

Some charms signified things about their first date: a little gold cell phone (the first gift he ever gave her); a man and woman holding each other and dancing (for the first time they danced together); and a champagne bottle (for their first dinner together). There was even a little cup and saucer charm to mark the coffeehouse date they were currently in the middle of.

There was a charm of two people hugging, which Spike told her represented her friendships. Spike was well-aware that it was Buffy's ties to the world that had kept her alive this long. And as much as he wanted to beat the shit out of her friends sometimes, he was grateful to them for having Buffy's back all these years.

Of course, he'd included a stake charm (which was actually a chili pepper, but it was the closest thing he could find that looked like a stake) to symbolize her Slayerness.

And there was a charm of a frog playing an electric guitar, just for a touch of whimsy.

Spike touched the piece of amber in the center of the necklace. "You like the amber bit?"

"Mmmhmm, it's so pretty. And it's warm to the touch, that's neat." She rubbed her finger against his atop the amber. 

"I reckoned it was a good stone to give you, amber means lotsa different things. Some people thought it warded off evil spirits -- which would come in handy in your line of work. Some thought it was solidified sunshine. Some think it promotes healing and attracts joy. It also symbolizes new beginnings, as well as protection... and eternal love."

"I didn't know it meant all those things... I just thought it was pretty. You're chock-full of fun facts and titillating trivia."

"Titillating, eh? You used to think I was only full of shit," Spike said with a smirk.

Buffy laughed. "Yep, I did. But I'm big enough to admit I was wrong." She put her hands on the sides of his face and kissed him tenderly. "You are just so thoughtful and romantic," Buffy purred, brushing her lips against his.

"Mmhmm, ain't I sweet? You bring that out in me, pet. I'm Mr. Thoughtful when it comes to you. Turn me into a magnificent poof, you do."

Buffy leaned back in her seat. "Spike... how could you afford the necklace? It had to be expensive, and you said just the other night that there weren't any jewelers who owed you favors. Please don't spend every penny you manage to scrape together on me."

"Don't you fret 'bout that." Spike took out his wallet and opened it, showing her that it was full of cash. 

Buffy's eyebrows went up. "Wow... how much is in there?"

"Enough to take care of my basic needs and buy you pretty things when I want," he said, taking out a $20 and laying it on the table, and then tucking the wallet back into his jacket.

"Okay... I'm not being accusey, so don't get defensive -- but _where_ did you get all that money?"

"It's an advance on a paycheck... or two. I'm going to be working for Clem from time to time. I met with him earlier today and accepted his offer."

"Oh... well, that's great!" Buffy was surprised Spike had actually taken a job. Did he get a job _just_ to buy her things and take her on dates? She hoped that wasn't the only reason, though it was flattering. "You're not working _just_ to buy me stuff, are you?"

"Well... yeah," Spike said simply.

Buffy sighed. "That's really sweet of you, but it makes me feel guilty..."

"Alright, that's not the _only_ reason I took the job, but it is a big one." In a softer voice, he said, "I want you to be proud of me... and havin' a man who gets his money by mooching and scheming off of others doesn't exactly inspire pride in a woman... I will make you proud of me someday, pet," he promised with determination.

"I'm already very proud of you," Buffy said sincerely. They smiled softly at each other for a few moments. "Though it does kinda make me feel stupid that my vampire boyfriend has a job and I don't..." 

"You've already got a job, Buffy. The pay sucks, but slaying doesn't leave you time to join the workforce. I don't like that my job will take up time I could be spending with you... You can still call me at any time of the day or night, though -- if you need me, I can drop everything and be there in a flash."

"What will you be doing for Clem? Driving the hansom cab?"

Spike shook his head. "He's got a few different business ventures up and running at the mo', not just the cab business. And I'll be in a supervisory position, not doing grunt work, 'cos Clem knows I'd be bloody rotten at taking orders from anyone else. He also knows I bore easily, so I'm gonna alternate where I work and what I do from week to week."

Buffy nodded, thinking that sounded like a pretty good deal. "That was really nice of Clem."

"He felt guilty for sending Spicoli to pick us up at the restaurant, and wanted to make it up to me."

"I thought you weren't mad about that anymore? You still yelled at Clem about sending Dave to pick us up?" Buffy asked disapprovingly. "Clem was just trying to do something nice for us, he didn't know Dave was one of Dru's minions... And it's not like it turned out bad."

"I wasn't going to bring it up, but I'd already left a really brassed off message on his voice mail. He felt awful 'bout it." Spike smiled, thinking what a wonderful thing guilt could be. Clem had been eager to make it up to Spike by offering him a very cushy job. "So now I've got a job where I'm the boss an' I'll have money to buy you nice things." Spike also planned on just giving Buffy money to do with as she liked, he didn't say so right now, though -- he just knew she'd find some problem with taking money from him, and he didn't want to argue with her tonight about anything.

"The businesses Clem owns are all legal? You're sure?" she asked as she attached some charms to her necklace.

"It's all on the up and up; I won't be involved with or doing anything illegal, no worries," Spike assured her.

Buffy nodded, believing Spike was being honest with her. She attached another charm to the necklace which needed no explanation, a heart with the words 'I Love You' in raised letters. They shared a little, flirty smile as she attached that one. "So... you used your own money to buy the necklace?"

"Mmmhmm, that I did. And don't ask how much it cost, 'cos I ain't tellin'." Spike fidgeted slightly. "You, uh, really do like it, right? You're not just sayin' that to spare my feelings?" he asked a little nervously. "I'd rather you be honest with me..."

"I swear, I really do love it, Spike," Buffy reassured him with a warm smile. "It's the nicest thing anyone's ever given me."

The Cheshire cat grin that spread across Spike's face made her grin too. He was so adorable at times like these, when something she said or did would make him instantly happy and he'd get a big, exultant smile on his face, looking more like a little boy than a 121-year-old vampire. Buffy thought Spike went a bit overboard by giving her so many charms all at once, but her heart swelled with affection for him to know he thought enough of her to go so overboard. The attention he'd given the necklace and each individual charm both astounded and moved her -- had anyone else _ever_ put that much thought into something they gave her? She doubted it. 

"Want to help me put my necklace on?" Buffy turned halfway around in her chair and lifted her hair up in the back. 

Spike took the necklace and fastened it around her neck. He rested his hands on her shoulders, gently massaging them, and placed a soft kiss to the back of her neck. 

Buffy shivered at the touch of his lips, her eyelids fluttering for a moment, her womany place involuntarily clenched. She swallowed hard, knowing they were going to makeout when they were alone later and hoping she was strong enough to not give in to temptation.

Buffy turned back to face him, her face pink from blushing. She looked down at the necklace, admiring it and giving herself time to get unflustered. "It's beautiful."

"It pales beside your beauty, luv," Spike said, smirking because he knew how corny it was to say that.

Buffy looked up at him and snorted softly, also smiling. "I got you a little somethin', too."

Spike's smile broadened further, threatening to split his face in two. He sat up straight in his chair, his eyes alight with excitement. "You did? What is it?" 

He looked so thrilled that she'd gotten him something, it made Buffy want to say 'Awww!' There was that adorable, boyish grin of his again. But then she started to second-guess her purchase. Buffy had wanted to get something for him this afternoon, but she couldn't come up with a good gift idea. And then she'd seen something she thought he'd like and bought it on impulse at the mall... but it sucked when taking into consideration the great gifts he'd given her and all the thought he'd put into them.

Buffy started backpedaling. "It's... um, it's not really that good a present. It's cheap..."

Spike's smile didn't waver. "I don't care how much something costs, pet. Just 'cos something has a low price tag doesn't mean it's not still good. I don't need nothin' posh."

"It's très crappy compared to the necklace and cell phone and all the other great stuff you've given me and done for me... I should wait until I can get you something really nice..."

"Uh-uh," Spike shook his head and held out his hand, wiggling his fingers, "I want my bloody present. Give it here. Gimme, gimme!" 

Buffy laughed anxiously, but took a ring box out of her pocket, and placed it in his hand. "I used one of my own old ring boxes... 'cause what I got you is cheap and didn't come with one... so don't get too excited."

Spike was beaming as he went to open the box. He paused before opening it, looking up at her through his lashes. "Are you going to propose?" He batted his eyes shyly and put a hand to his chest. "Why, Buffy... this is so sudden!"

Buffy laughed again. "Um, no... no proposing. Come on, open it, already." She put her hands over her face, peeking through her fingers to see his reaction to the gift. 

There was another reason she shouldn't have given him this present which only occurred to her now -- they had fought almost to the death over the Gem of Amarra last year -- Spike had tried to kill her, and she'd tried killing him in return. Then she'd robbed Spike of his hard-earned prize and sent it to Angel... In hindsight, maybe buying Spike a ring wasn't really a good choice...

Spike opened the box to reveal a silver skull & crossbones ring. It looked like biker jewelry, appropriately enough. "Aw, I love it, pet! You shouldn't 'ave!" His face was actually starting to hurt from smiling so much, but he couldn't help it. Buffy had been thinking of him when they were apart and was giving him a gift -- he couldn't stop smiling now if someone paid him to. He put the ring on the middle finger of his left hand and held it up to admire it. 

"You really like it?" Buffy asked, still peeking out from between her fingers.

"You thought I wouldn't like a skull & crossbones ring? 'Course I love it!"

"It's probably going to turn your finger green..."

Spike laughed and put his hands on her wrists, gently pulling her hands away from her face. Then he leaned forward and kissed her sweetly on the lips. "I love it, and I love you. This is the first present you've ever given me... I'll treasure it as long as I live."

"It doesn't bring up... bad memories for you?" Buffy bit her lip.

Spike's brow furrowed. "Why would it bring up bad memories?"

"The... Gem of Amarra. You know, the thing that was your ticket to invincibility and walking around during the day... which I ripped off of your finger after we beat the shit out of each other... and then I sent it to the person you hate most in the world..." Buffy knew she'd done what she had to do back then, she didn't regret it. The Spike that existed then wasn't the same man who was sitting next to her now, that old Spike would've wreaked havoc if he possessed the Gem, her only option had been to take it from him. The only thing Buffy felt bad about was that the new, improved Spike might still bear a grudge for what she'd done.

"Oh... I hadn't even thought of that..." Spike blinked, any parallel really hadn't occurred to him until she mentioned it. 

"You... didn't? Oh, great... you didn't make the connection, but I had to go and remind you of it," Buffy groaned, bowing her head slightly.

Spike hoped Buffy wasn't dwelling on their fights or harbored resentment toward him for the extremely hurtful things he'd said during their one and only fight in broad daylight. The insults he'd hurled at her that day had pissed her off so much that she was able to rally back from near defeat and deliver yet another spectacular kicking of his ass. 

After a moment, Spike shook his head and waved his hand. "Water under the bridge, pet. None of that bollocks matters to me anymore. If I had you and the Gem right here in front of me to pick from, I'd choose you -- no bloody contest." He held her hands and spoke to her softly, looking into her eyes. "You know how... sorry I am for doing what I did and... saying the things I said back then, don't you?" he asked seriously. "If I could take it all back..."

Buffy nodded and grasped his hands. She was trying to let go of all their violent encounters and put them where they belonged, in the past -- including the fight with Spike right after her gigantic mistake of sleeping with Parker. It wasn't even the violence and fighting that bothered her, it was what he'd said as they fought. Spike had always had a way of cutting her to the quick, though she'd always tried pretending it didn't get to her at the time. But she couldn't quite banish the stuff about her being bad in bed from her mind. She'd already been worried it was true (because of Angel, and then that asshole Parker), that day Spike had just poured salt in her festering wound. And now that Riley had left her after having to get his kicks at a vamp whorehouse... all those feelings of inadequacy were back at the forefront of her mind. 

But she couldn't talk about all those dumb feelings and insecurities right now, it was embarrassing and Spike would just try reassuring her when he really didn't know, firsthand, if she sucked in bed or not. Why couldn't she be all take-charge and sexually confident like Dream Buffy?

Spike went on, "I only said those things 'cos I was trying to hurt your ego and throw you off your game. We're not the same people who fought that day... we've come a long way since then."

Buffy gave him a firm kiss, then rested her forehead against his. "I know. If I held a grudge against you for anything that happened between us in the past, I wouldn't be out on a date with you right now. But I didn't want to remind you about the whole Gem of Amarra thing, I know how angry you must've been... so what do I do? I buy you a ring..." she sighed, then chuckled sadly. "Wow, I _really_ suck at gift-giving." 

Spike chuckled too, then pressed little kisses around her mouth. "No hard feelings here, pet. I'm glad it turned out the way it did. If I hadn't lost the Gem... I wouldn't be holding your hands in mine and kissing you right now... I wouldn't have realized I loved you and you probably would've found a way to kill me by now. The Gem wasn't my destiny, _you_ are my destiny."

Buffy wasn't totally convinced Spike would choose her over the Gem if he were faced with that decision in anything but a hypothetical situation -- 'cause why would any guy choose her over invincibility? -- but oh, she wanted to believe it. Looking into his eyes as he spoke told her that _he_ believed it. Was there anything Spike wouldn't do or sacrifice for her? He was worried about not being worthy of her... but was she worthy of the intensity and depth of his love? 

Tears popped up in Buffy's eyes, she felt overwhelmed with emotion, with affection for Spike -- she'd felt that way a lot lately. She put her right hand on the side of his face, caressing his cheek and giving him a kiss that went quickly from soft and sensual to bruising. Spike almost fell out of the chair from her fierce kiss, but was able to catch himself before he could tumble to the floor, and then he kissed her back, pulling her closer to him. Their tongues danced together as the kiss deepened. Soon they were making out and panting for breath like two horny high school kids.

They decided to leave a few minutes later when they were told (by a poet on the stage) to get a room or stop making out because it was distracting. Buffy felt a little embarrassed because everyone had been staring at her and Spike as they tonsil-boxed and felt each other up, but what she felt most at the moment was profound happiness and contentment. And it was kinda fun to be caught doing something semi-naughty...

* * *

Xander was at the front window of the Magic Box looking out at the street when Buffy and Spike pulled up outside on the motorcycle.

He grimaced and groaned. "Oh good... Buffy and 'Rebel without a Pulse' are here to share the wonderfulness of their date with us. I can't believe Spike hasn't done something to screw it up yet... What's taking him so long?" 

"Try to be nice, Xan," Willow advised from the reading table. "We have to show that we're at least trying to accept Spike. It's important to Buffy."

"Yeah, yeah..." he muttered, turning away from the window and moving to stand at the counter with Giles. It irritated Xander even more that Spike apparently had a super-cool motorcycle now... Spike most likely stole it... not that Buffy would probably care if he _did_ steal it -- she seemed to be in full Cleopatra mode, Queen of Denial, about who Spike really was, what he was capable of, and all the bad things he'd done. Obviously, whatever happened in the mansion with Dru had really messed with her mind... he wished she'd snap out of it already! 

Spike opened the door for Buffy and then followed her into the shop. They gave each other a flirty smile as she walked in ahead of him. She loved getting the gentlemanly treatment, and he loved giving it to her.

Buffy waved to her friends. "Hey guys, anything going on tonight?" 

"Nope, it's been pretty quiet around here," Willow replied.

"You two look like you've been having fun," Tara commented with a smile. 

Buffy hooked her arm through Spike's when they stopped at the counter. "We've been having big fun. I had my first motorcycle ride tonight! I need to get one of those cool hogs for myself -- though it does a lot of damage to my 'do. Guess I'll have to invest in a helmet." She bumped Spike's hip. "I'm going to take the bike for a spin by myself later."

"Pardon me, but I believe I said _maybe_ you could try driving it," Spike said, lifting an eyebrow.

Buffy turned her face to him, slowly extending her lower lip in an exaggerated pout.

"Word of warning, pet: If you use that on me too much, it's gonna lose its effectiveness." Spike chuckled, then dipped his head to capture her pouty mouth in a kiss. He didn't want to be accused of putting on another show for her friends, so he kept the kiss short. He ended the kiss by nibbling on her lower lip before releasing it. "We'll discuss whether you get to drive the bike or not after we leave."

Buffy shook her head and looked at her friends. "He knows he's going to let me have my way. I don't know why he doesn't just say 'yes' now to save some time," she joked.

"'Cos I'm a stubborn bastard, tha's why. And I like to have at least the _illusion_ that you can't whip me into submission so bloody easily."

"Oh, I see -- it's a manhood thing?" Buffy asked with mock-innocence. "It always comes down to your 'manhood' with you men, doesn't it?" 

"Well, we're frightfully proud of our manhood and wish to preserve it," Spike said in that upper-class accent he sometimes affected. He smirked, then said in his normal accent, "You're so _not_ high-maintenance, by the way. Anyone who says that is a dirty, rotten liar."

She smiled slantedly and gave the side of his butt a smack. "Quiet, you. I'm extremely easygoing. They call me 'Easy Buffy'. Um, 'Easy _going_ Buffy'... _that's_ what they call me."

"'Course you're easygoin' , luv." Spike raised and lowered his eyebrows as he rubbed where she'd hit him, silently reminding her of his interest in spanking. "I much prefer the slaps over a pointy elbow to the ribs." 

Buffy's friends watched her and Spike bantering easily, they couldn't deny that the blond couple seemed to have developed a strong bond in a short time. It was obvious the two of them had become much closer and cared a lot about each other. Willow felt a little more optimistic that Buffy and Spike might actually be able to have a good relationship.

"Oh! Let me show you guys the beautiful necklace Spike gave me." Buffy grinned and gave Spike a kiss on the cheek before hurrying over to the table with the girls.

Spike leaned on the counter on his elbow, watching Buffy and smiling at her enthusiasm as she showed off her necklace to her girlfriends. He was sure now that she really did like it and wasn't just saying so to be nice.

Anya went over to the table to see the necklace too. Spike overheard her say, "It's very pretty. And it looks expensive. Is it real gold?"

"'Course it's real," Spike scoffed from his place at the counter. "My girl deserves nothin' but the very best." He winked at Buffy.

"Then what's she doing with you?" Xander joked (though he didn't really mean it as a joke). "By the way, nice outfit, Fonzie. Ayyyy!" he said, giving a double thumbs up.

Spike flipped Xander a backwards peace sign. He saw Xander noticing the new skull ring. "Nice, eh?" Spike asked, grinning and curling his index finger down so that only his middle finger was still sticking up. "Buffy got it for me." 

Xander shook his head, thinking, _'God, she's buying *him* presents now?'_ He was feeling more desperate. Buffy was obviously getting deeper and deeper into this relationship with Spike -- and Spike would hurt her eventually, of that, Xander was sure. And the longer it took, the worse she'd be hurt by the bleach-blond walking dead... he'd have try again to draw the real Spike out for Buffy to see what a wretched creature Spike really was. That was going to involve more insults and baiting on Xander's part.

Buffy's attention was on talking to her girlfriends at the moment. She was telling them about the date so far and how much she'd enjoyed it, but she didn't tell them how much Spike loved poetry. Maybe she'd tell Tara and Willow later in private, she could trust them not to make fun of Spike; no way would she want Anya or Xander to know... or even Giles. For now, Buffy made it seem like she was the one who had the idea to go to the coffeehouse for the poetry readings. 

Giles was going through a ledger on the other side of the counter near Spike. "The necklace is real gold, you say? These presents and dates must be costing you quite a lot, Spike."

Spike shrugged, then smiled when he looked over at Buffy again as she chatted animatedly with her girlfriends. She was holding her necklace out from her neck and telling them about the charms, which sent the girls into a chorus of 'Aww!'s at Spike's thoughtfulness and sentimentality. 

"Don't you worry 'bout how I manage, Rupes. I do what I gotta do to keep a smile on my woman's face."

"Since you apparently have had some sort of financial boon, I'd like to point out that you still owe me money."

Spike snorted, looking at Giles with a cocked eyebrow and bemused smile. "Bollocks. What would I owe you money for?"

"You overcharged me when you helped me evade the Initiative, and I, in turn, overcharged you to help you evade them later. But you'd already spent some of it."

"You thought I'd rush off to the bank and open up a savings account? I have expenses, 'course I had to spend some of it. And that was over a bloody year ago!" Spike protested, standing up straight and turning to the Watcher. He was irritated, but still made an effort to keep his voice low.

"Yes, but the fact remains, you didn't pay me back in full..." Giles looked at him expectantly and held his palm out.

"You greedy old sod..." Spike grumbled. Then he sniffed, took out his leather wallet and opened it up. "You want your money? I'll pay you back with interest. Here ya go." Spike slapped a handful of bills down onto Giles' palm. 

Giles counted the cash, it was about $80. He looked back up at Spike suspiciously. "Where did you get this money?"

"I saw my pimp today," Spike deadpanned as he refolded his wallet. 

"Spike, if you're using stolen money to take Buffy out on the town and impress her..." 

Spike shook his head, annoyed that everyone remained so suspicious of him and everything he did. Would they believe him if he said the sky was blue and grass was green? "Don't get your knickers in a twist, Rupert. Came by it honest, I did. I didn't kill someone and steal it off the body, I didn't break into a house, and I didn't hit a little old lady over the bloody head for it -- I couldn't do those things if I wanted to. Just take the cash and shut your gob." He really didn't want to part with any of his newfound money for something like this, but he didn't want Giles whinging about it every time he saw him, either.

"You saying you came by something 'honest' is really funny," Xander derided. "I don't think you know the meaning of the word."

"And if I had a nickel for all the words you don't know the meaning of, my pockets would be full-to-burstin'. Nobody was talkin' to you, anyway, Harris -- children should be seen and not heard; mind your manners and stay quiet when the grown folks are talking." Spike took out a twenty dollar bill before putting his wallet away, and tossed it at Giles. "Here's a little extra, go buy yourself somethin' pretty." Spike sneered at them, and then turned and started to walk to the table where Buffy and the girls were sitting and talking.

"Buffy might not want to see it yet, but we know you've got something shady going, Spike," Xander accused, taking another shot to see if it landed and successfully pissed Spike off.

Spike stopped, his eyes rolling upward as he turned around. "What's your bloody problem?"

"You are. I can't forgive and forget as easily as some people. Call me nutty, but I have trouble trusting a guy -- a _demon_ \-- who's a pathological liar and has tried to kill us more times than I can count."

“Well, I can see that being a challenge for ya, Special Ed... next time, take your shoes off and use your toes…” Spike retorted. “Just stand downwind of me when you do.”

“Ha ha. You think you’re so smart... well, I for one, can see right through you... you’re evil and vile and you’ll never change,” Xander insisted venomously.

Spike took a deep breath, his jaw clenching as he stepped closer to Xander. "You won't be satisfied 'til you upset Buffy again, will you? We had a right good time on our own tonight, don't make us regret the decision to come here before patrolling. She's got this insane notion 'bout all the people she cares for getting along -- let's at least try to be civil for _her_ sake, yeah?"

"You weren't too concerned about _upsetting_ Buffy all the times you tried to kill her. Causing her -- and the rest of us -- pain and aggravation always made you _so very_ happy."

Spike cracked his neck to the left, and then to the right. "I know what I've done in the past; there's nothin' I can do about what's already been done. I can't go back an' change the things I did, but _I_ have changed since then."

Xander crossed his arms and shook his head. "Nope, I'm not buying it."

"I care fuck-all about what you _buy_. You gave Buffy the impression you'd give me a chance, so keep your bloody comments and opinions to yourself until you see me doin' something wrong."

"Come on, Spike, let's not pretend we both don't know the truth: any good deeds you do will be just to impress Buffy, not because you've turned over a new leaf. You don't do anything that doesn't benefit _Spike_. You just want to get in her pants -- you're no different than Angel," Xander accused.

Spike's eyes slitted, his nostrils flared. Xander was dead-wrong, but the accusation (and the comparison to Angel) made Spike's blood boil. He said in a low, growly voice, "Wrong on all bloody counts. I'm gettin' _real_ tired of listenin' to you run your mouth. You'd best shut it..."

Giles didn't want there to be any ugliness, especially not while Buffy was in the room. Luckily, she was still engaged in conversation with the girls and hadn't noticed the rising level of tension. "Let's... calm down, shall we? Separate corners now, boys." But it was as if Giles wasn't even there, Xander and Spike were focused solely on each other. 

"Did I hit a nerve, Spike?" Xander saw his opportunity to get Spike angry enough to do something Buffy would disapprove of -- thank God for the chip; Xander didn't particularly want to risk getting pummeled. He hoped Spike wasn't lying about the chip still working... that would be very bad, but he would risk it if it would show Buffy the _real_ Spike. "I think you're all about _conquering_ a Slayer -- you can't kill her, so you're taking the other route to destroying her. And once you've had your fun, all your _deep feelings_ and gooey, flowery talk will disappear and you'll go back to being your bad old-self. C'mon, Spike -- admit it!"

Giles fancied he could see steam starting to come out of Spike's ears. "Xander, that's _enough_ ," Giles instructed him quietly, but firmly. Again, he was ignored.

Spike was gritting his teeth and clenching his fists tightly at his sides by this point, barely containing the fury building inside of him. "I said... shut... _up_ ," Spike growled ominously. 

Xander could see it was working well, it wouldn't take much more to make Spike go off -- just another small nudge. Then Buffy might see the real Spike come through long enough for her to figure out how wrong she was about him. "You realize that Buffy's just _settling_ for you, don't you? You're just a seat filler for Riley and Angel, two guys she was actually in love with -- she could never love a _thing_ like you, you're just... _convenient_."

Buffy was on her way over to them, she'd seen Xander and Spike standing too close for comfort and wanted to make sure they weren't getting into it again. She overheard the last part of what Xander just said, and it stunned her into stopping in her tracks.

Spike growled louder, his upper lip curling into a full-snarl. "I told you to shut the bloody hell up!" He grabbed Xander by the front of the shirt with one hand and lifted him so that only the toes of Xander's shoes scraped the floor. 

Xander's eyes bugged out in surprise and fear. It was happening so fast, he didn't have time to even think about trying to get away. Sometimes it was easy to forget just how strong and fast Spike actually was... until he was lifting you up in the air, one-handed, as if he were lifting a bag of feathers instead of a full-grown man. Xander saw that same evil, vicious look in Spike's eyes that he'd seen at the crypt, and it chilled his blood. Perhaps he’d been a bit... hasty in baiting Spike so persistently. Could Spike kill him?

“Spike, no!” Buffy shouted, finally able to get herself moving again.

Spike cocked back a fist, then instantly yelled and recoiled when the chip went off, giving his nervous system a massive shock. He breathed heavily and clutched his head in pain, dropping Xander, and staggering sideways a few steps, almost falling over. It was the worst shock he’d received in a long time, most likely because of how enraged he was.

Buffy got between the two men, just in case Spike tried something again. "Goddamnit! I can't leave you alone for five minutes without one of you starting something!"

Spike dug the heel of his hand into his forehead, baring his human teeth and glaring at Xander. It wasn't fair that he couldn't even punch someone who really deserved it. The pain in his head flooded the rest of his body, making it difficult to remain standing. "Pillock!" he spat, leaning against the counter for support. 

"You saw that, Buffy!" Xander pointed at Spike like a kid tattling on a classmate to the teacher, making sure both Buffy and Giles were in between him and the irate vampire. "Spike attacked me! He was going to hit me! He hasn't changed at all!"

In addition to the pain he was in, Spike was feeling pretty low and angry -- angry with both Xander and with himself. He'd lost his temper and put his hands on the boy... Buffy had to be at least disappointed in him, she was probably really pissed off and would take him aside to bitch at him again. But he didn't want to tell Buffy what it was Xander had said that made him so angry. The part with Xander alleging that Spike only wanted to hump ’n dump Buffy wouldn't do her insecurities any good. And the part about Spike just being _convenient_ to Buffy (and her never being able to love a _thing_ like him) didn't do Spike's insecurities any good, either...

"Yes, I saw what happened..." Buffy looked at Spike and put her hands on her hips. "Spike, what the hell were you thinking? I mean, I really don’t get you sometimes! You can be so smart one minute and then turn around and do something unbelievably stupid the next!"

Spike looked away from her, his jaw muscles rippling as they clenched and unclenched rapidly. He wished she wouldn't do this here... with all of her friends watching. If she insisted that he apologize to Xander... well, he would refuse to do that, and then that would be the end of the night... possibly the end of more than that. Had he just blown everything by letting the git bait him into one angry outburst? Had he lost Buffy before he even got a chance to show her how deeply and truly he loved her? Spike ground out, "It's nothing... I lost my temper, is all..." 

"Did you forget that you can't do anything to Xander without getting a migraine?" Buffy turned her head to look at Xander, her expression icy. "Please... allow me."

"Huh?!" Xander gulped, his eyes going wide again.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Xander?!” Everyone was surprised to hear Buffy swear like that. She didn’t have a potty mouth; ’shit’ was usually the crudest thing she said. “You're coming with me," she said decisively with a grim look on her face. She reached out and grabbed Xander by the wrist, then pulled him along with her to the training room.

Spike thought he'd heard Buffy wrong for a moment, he was sure he'd be the one in trouble. A slight smirk turned up at the corner of his mouth as he watched Buffy draw an unwilling, but resigned, Xander into the next room.

Anya looked worriedly at the door as it slammed behind her boyfriend and the angry Slayer. "She's... not really going to hurt him... is she?"

"No worries," Spike said, absently rubbing at the slowly fading ache in his head. "She's probably just givin' him a stern talkin' to."

"But you're the one who attacked him!" Anya pointed out. "Why is she mad at Xander?" Those at the table had no idea what had been said at the counter, they’d been involved in their own chat. If Buffy hadn’t been walking over to the men, she wouldn’t have heard either.

Spike shrugged. "You'll have to ask the Slayer 'bout that..." While he was tickled that Buffy was bitching at Xander, Spike was unsettled that Buffy might have overheard what Xander said. 

"Well, we know without a shadow of a doubt that the chip _does_ work," Giles commented, going back to his ledger. He knew for certain that Xander was _very_ lucky Spike's chip was still functioning. If the chip didn't work, Xander would be unconscious right now -- unconscious, _at best_. 

"You keep your mitts off my Xander, Spike," Anya warned, her eyes steely. "Touch him again and you'll have to deal with _me_. I won't tolerate you bruising, or in any way harming, his perfect body."

"Ugh!" Spike grimaced, still rubbing at his aching head, but now also rubbing his queasy stomach. "If that lumpy sack of potatoes is what you consider 'perfect'... Bloody hell... you need to get out more."

* * *

Xander fidgeted restlessly and gulped once Buffy slammed the door to the training room closed behind them. He had no idea what to expect. 

Buffy kept her back to him, resting her forehead against the door for several moments.

"Uh... Buffy? What're you doing?" Xander asked anxiously.

"Praying for the strength to _not_ kick your ass," she replied as she turned around. He wasn't encouraged by the anger he saw simmering in her eyes.

"Buffy, you aren't really going to do scary, painful things to me because of _Spike_? Are you that far gone? Are you that blinded by your feelings for him? I'm one of your best friends!"

"You're not in here because of Spike -- you're in here because of _you_ , let's get that straight. And if you're still one of my best friends then start acting like it, damn it!"

"Why am I in here and the guy who was actually getting violent is still out there?" 

"I heard what you said to Spike... you crossed the line! You're so far past the line you can't even see it anymore -- the line is a dot to you!" she exclaimed, gesturing wildly with her hands. "You were trying to piss Spike off so he'd lose his temper -- you provoked him on purpose! That's what you _wanted_ to happen!"

"He's never heard that 'sticks and stones' rhyme, or that old favorite, 'I'm rubber and you're glue'? I was just _talking_ to him, Spike could've walked away if he didn't want to hear it. Instead, he tried to attack me. If the chip didn't work, who knows what he might've done to me... He hasn't changed at all, he's just as crazy and vicious as he ever was!"

"A human guy would've tried knocking your block off for saying the same things. How fucking _dare_ you tell Spike I'm _settling_ for him and I could never love him!" Buffy snapped angrily. "You have no idea what you're talking about!"

"The Buffy I know would never even _think_ about dating Spike. I've had a front row seat to Spike's murderous, psychotic antics for a few years now, and you were right there -- you saw it too. How can you want to be with him after everything he's done?" 

"Spike's changed." Buffy raised her chin. "He loves me and he wants to fight on the right side from now on. I'm going to help him stay on the right path and encourage him -- I don't care how many obstacles everyone throws in our way."

"You're idealizing him -- just like you did with Angel. You're forgetting all the reasons why you shouldn't touch Spike with a ten-foot pole! To see you all giggly and blushy like a schoolgirl with him..." Xander shook his head and groaned, at a loss for words to describe the wrongness.

"Aww, poor Xander, I'm sorry that seeing me happy makes you so sick," Buffy said with a sarcastic pout. "And _everything_ you just said is wrong... except about the part about the giggles and blushing. I can't help the way Spike makes me feel. And hey, I'm enjoying that I actually feel good enough to blush and giggle for a change."

"If you haven't forgotten everything Spike's done, how could you possibly want to be with him? Yeah, he saved your life -- I'm not ignoring that, it was a great, incredible thing he did -- but it was _one_ thing, Buffy. A fluke."

"Doesn't it count for anything that Spike wants to change? He's going against his demon and trying to...” Her sentence tapered off. “But then you don't believe he really means it, right?"

"Not for a second," Xander confirmed. "He's a liar and a cold-blooded killer, and there's nothing he wouldn't do or say to get on your good side and then milk it for all it was worth. You've got a good heart, Buffy, and he's taking advantage of that."

Buffy made a frustrated sound, feeling like punching something.

"Since you brought me in here instead of him, you think it's okay that he attacked me just because I said some shit he didn't like?"

"No, I don't think it's 'okay' that Spike attacked you... and I _will_ talk to him about that. But you provoked him -- what you said was awful, Xander. I'd slap the mess out of you myself for it if I didn't love you so much. 

"You know as well as I do that Spike wouldn't've done anything to you if you hadn't pushed him to the breaking point. I couldn't believe I was hearing you -- a guy I think of like a brother and consider one of the best people on the planet -- say those things..."

"I'm sorry if I hurt you by saying he's no better than Angel; he's only trying to conquer another Slayer and just wants to get in your pants. But unfortunately the truth _can_ hurt. It's not you, Buffy, it's him. You're one of the sweetest, prettiest, most --"

"That's what you said before I got there, huh?" Buffy ground her jaws together and folded her arms over her chest. "You accused him of only wanting to screw me? You told him he was no better than Angel?"

"Oh..." Xander winced, "you didn't hear that part?"

She shook her head and glared at him. The insecurity that Spike might only want one roll in the hay was still wiggling around in Buffy's brain, she didn't need to hear other people say it. Buffy didn't believe Spike was using her or pretending to love her just for the sake of fucking a Slayer, but she was worried that she'd be so lousy in the sack, so inept and inexperienced, that Spike would be disappointed and get bored quickly. 

Buffy thought momentarily about telling Xander that she and Spike hadn't even had sex yet, that Spike was being a gentleman and loved her enough to wait until she was ready. But Buffy didn't want Xander having that much info, he didn't deserve to know. 

Buffy shook off her self-doubt and said, "If Spike has been putting on an act and just pretending to love me... well, move over, Laurence Oliver -- there's a new world's greatest actor!"

Xander didn't want to get into the whole 'it's impossible to love without a soul' argument, they'd just keep going in circles, so he tried a different tack. "Putting aside the fact that it's _Spike_ you're with, don't you think it's too... distracting? Something bad is bound to happen if you're thinking about _him_ and not focusing on slaying and Glory. I don't think it's a good idea for you to go on dates and start up a new relationship with all the other stuff going on right now."

"Oh, I get it -- me having a love life was fine and dandy when it was Riley, but it's a waste of my time, dangerous, and a distraction when it's Spike?"

Xander shrugged slightly, looking away from her. He would've responded "yes", but didn't want to make her angrier.

Buffy sighed tiredly. "God, Xander... I have been through _so much_ shit lately: my mom being sick, my sister being hunted by a Hell God, Riley going to vamp whores and then leaving me, and then I was tortured and almost killed by Dru. Who knows what brand-new slice of hell tomorrow will bring me. Don't I deserve a little goddamn happiness!? Am I supposed to lock myself away in my bedroom and only come out when it's time to patrol? I want to _live_ while I can!" 

"You _do_ deserve to be happy, Buffy! Of course you do! But Spike won't bring you _happiness_ , he'll only bring you more torture and suffering!"

"I was doing just fine with the happiness before you started that stupid, petty shit out there... Silly me, I really didn't think it would this bad -- the arguments, the disapproving looks, the relationship sabotage, and the general suckiness I'd have to deal with from everyone. I'm sick of it, Xander, and I'm not putting up with it. **I** pick who I want to be with -- no one else gets to decide for me!"

Buffy took a few moments to calm down, then said, "Why don't you worry about _your own_ relationship and leave mine the hell alone?" 

"There's nothing to worry about with me and Anya, we're doing great."

"Hmm," Buffy looked up in thought and tapped her chin, "correct me if I'm wrong, but I didn't relentlessly bitch about her being an ex-Vengeance Demon who'd killed and eviscerated men for fun for a thousand years, did I? And I don't recall insulting and harassing Anya every time she turned around, either..." Buffy looked him in the eyes. "No, I didn't do those things -- even though I thought you were nuts at first, I respected you enough to be nice to her and accepted her into the group because you liked her and she was who _you_ wanted to be with. I want... no, I _demand_ the same respect from you about Spike."

Xander sighed. "It's different with Anya, you can't compare them -- it's like comparing apples and evil, soulless oranges."

"You don’t want to see it, but the situation is _very_ similar. I'm a grown adult, I can do whatever and date whoever I want, just like you." Then Buffy's eyes lit up and a cruel smile appeared on her face, Xander felt a bit spooked again. "Hey, I know! I'll go out there right now and start hassling Anya, since that’s apparently what friends do -- they take it upon themselves to protect their friends from dating the wrong people. I'll throw every evil, disgusting thing Anya ever did -- that we _know of_ \-- back in her face and tell her she doesn't deserve you. And then I'll lather, rinse, and repeat until she runs away and you never hear from her again. You want to fuck with my boyfriend? Well, I can do the same thing to your girlfriend. How's that sound?" Buffy waited for his answer, reaching for the doorknob and letting her hand hover over it. 

Xander frowned, his brow furrowed. This was so unlike Buffy... he'd never seen her look or sound quite so vindictive and mean. "...You wouldn't."

“Wouldn’t I? You’re trying to ruin what I have with Spike, and I’m pissed off,” Buffy said, putting her hand on the doorknob and starting to turn it. “I’m excited about this plan -- I've kept a whole buttload of stuff I wanted to say to Anya bottled up ‘cause I didn’t want to upset you.” She started to pull the door open. “But now that I know it’s perfectly okay to declare open season on each other’s boyfriends and --”

"Buffy, stop!” Xander raced to the door and shoved it closed again. “Please don't do this! Anya's not the same person who did those things!" Xander pled with her. “She’s good now! Please... you _can’t_ do that to her...”

Buffy took her hand away from the doorknob, re-crossing her arms over her chest. “Doesn’t feel too good, does it? It sucks ass having to worry that the person you... care about is going to be harassed, threatened, and will have to face lots of hostility every day just because they want to be with you."

Xander closed his eyes and let out a heavy sigh. He could see her point, nevertheless, his mind kept repeating, _'But it's *Spike* we're talking about! Evil, soulless orange *Spike*!'_

“That's what I have to deal with. You see something good and special in Anya, something other people might not see at all. And I see something good and special in Spike. It took a helluva lot for me to finally see that there’s a good man in him, but I _do_ see it now. We don’t have to approve of each other’s choices, Xander, but we’d better show each other some goddamned respect if we want to stay friends.” 

He looked down at the floor, still overcoming the panic he’d felt when he thought Buffy was going to do to Anya what he’d done to Spike.

Buffy started opening the door, causing Xander’s head to whip up. He looked at her nervously, keeping his shoulder against the door to prevent her from opening it all the way. 

“I won’t get in Anya’s face,” Buffy promised. “I won't even look at her. I just want to get the hell out of here, and I'm pretty sure you want me the hell out of here, too."

Xander nodded once and stepped back to allow her room to open the door.

Buffy stopped just as she was about to go through the doorway and looked back at him. “If you take anything away from our little chat, let it be this: Spike and I care about each other and I'm _trying_ to build something with him...” She shouted the last part, “So back the fuck off!"

* * *

The others were wide-eyed as Buffy came back out into the main room. They’d heard the last thing she’d barked at Xander... potty mouth Buffy was kinda scary. Xander followed her out a few seconds later, looking shocked himself.

Buffy never planned on saying anything to Anya, it was a complete bluff. Buffy wanted to get back at Xander, and she wanted him to realize how unfair and hypocritical he was being about Spike, but she’d never hurt him or Anya like that. Anya, like Spike, was in the process of rediscovering her humanity and trying to become a better person. And Buffy thought Anya deserved the chance to see it through and succeed. Xander still didn’t see any parallels between Spike and Anya? And he accused Buffy of being blind? Ha! 

Anya rushed over to Xander, checking him for injuries. "Are you alright, Xander?! What did she do to you?"

Xander put his arm around Anya. "She didn't do anything, Ahn. We just talked, that's all. Well, there was also some shouting involved..."

After Buffy was done rolling her eyes at Anya, she looked around the shop. Spike was nowhere to be seen. Did her other friends take up where Xander left off while she was in the training room? "Where is he?" Buffy asked in a low voice. 

Tara pointed to the front door. "Spike said he wanted to wait for you outside."

Buffy looked from one face to the next. "Did you _make_ him leave?"

They all shook their heads no. 

Buffy sighed, and then started toward the door. "I don't know if I'll stop in here tomorrow -- I think I need a few days to rest up before I have to play referee again. Call me if there's an emergency."

"Buffy, wait," Willow called, picking up her book bag and getting up from her chair.

Buffy paused and turned around. 

Willow went quickly over to her while getting a CD case out of her bag. "I burned that CD for you. I did it as soon as I got home today."

A small smile lifted the frowny corners of Buffy's mouth as she took the CD. She looked at it, feeling foolish because she thought she might cry. She'd needed something positive like this to give her hope, hope that things could get better and wouldn't always be so strained and tense. She looked gratefully back up at her best friend. "Thanks, Will. I really..." She took a deep breath to keep from squirting out a few tears. "I really appreciate you doing this for me."

"You're totally welcome, Buffy. I was happy to do it for you. If you ever need anything, all you have to do is ask."

They gave each other a one-armed hug.

"Thanks again. I'd better go find Spike." Buffy slipped the CD into her jacket pocket.

Tara and Willow said goodbye as Buffy walked out the door. Then Willow went back to the table to sit with Tara, who leaned over and gave her a soft kiss. Tara was proud that her girlfriend was able to move past her reservations and be there for Buffy.

Xander sighed and looked up at the ceiling for a moment when he noticed Willow and Tara giving him disapproving looks. "What? Why are you looking at me like that? Why is everyone ignoring the fact that Spike attacked _me_?"

Willow shook her head. "I thought I told you to be nice before they got here? Being nice isn't insulting someone, who's known to have a short fuse, until they blow up." Giles had told the others a few things Xander said to Spike after Spike walked out. Giles wouldn't have shared the information, but everyone was confused as to what exactly had happened. "From what Buffy's told us, Spike's really trying to behave himself, so it would've taken something bad to make him try to punch you."

"The things you said to him..." Giles sighed and shook his head. "Xander, by no means am I a member of Spike's fan club, but you _intentionally_ set him off. You kept pushing and pushing, knowing full-well that he was nearing the end of his patience... Why on earth would you want to cause a scene like that?"

"Yeah, I poked the bear a little bit..." Xander admitted, "but we all know this thing with Spike is going to end _real_ bad -- the longer it goes on, the worse it's gonna be. I'm just trying to save Buffy a lot of pain and suffering!" 

"All you're going to do is make Buffy miserable," Willow shot back. "I don't want to lose my best friend, so I'm showing my support for _Buffy_. I don't want her to start avoiding us over this, do you?"

Anya frowned as she lightly massaged Xander's back. "Leave him alone. Xander's been traumatized, first by Spike trying to kill him, and then by Buffy doing what she did." 

"Look..." Giles ignored Anya's comment. There were some things he wanted to say, he hoped he could get through it without being interrupted. He took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose wearily. "I don't like the arrangement any more than you do, Xander. But the one thing we don't need right now is to be divided. Buffy needs to know she has our loyalty, friendship and support.

"If Buffy feels we've turned our backs on her, it will impact her emotionally and that may cause her to falter, or she may not seek our help if she needs it, which could also end disastrously... Therefore, I'm trying to be accepting of Spike... for now. If he does something to prove Buffy's faith in him is groundless, then I'll be forced to tell her how I feel about all of it. And God help him if he really has been playing a game with her heart... But until then, I'm keeping my bloody mouth shut.

"You didn't consider how much you'd upset Buffy with your 'baiting Spike' stunt. You didn't consider that we may _need_ Spike on our side in upcoming battles. You just wanted to get rid of him, and damn the consequences. You were a selfish little ponce and you should be ashamed of yourself."

With one last intense look to show he meant business, Giles turned and went into his office, needing a cup of (Irish) coffee and to relax for a few minutes.

Anya's frown deepened, she kept rubbing Xander's back. "Older Englishmen are supposed to be polite."

Xander blinked. "Geez... Giles didn't have to chew me out too. He called me a ponce! I don't know what that is exactly... but it can't be good!"

"A _selfish little_ ponce," Anya filled in the rest and nodded. "Completely untrue!"

"Any of it sinking in, Xander? Most people only have to be chewed out once about something for them to get the message."

Xander turned his head, surprised it was Tara who'd said that. He was too stunned to respond, he just stared at her with his eyebrows rising halfway up his forehead.

Tara's heart was beating faster with nervousness -- she hadn't meant to say that out loud. But now that she'd gotten the ball rolling, she might as well keep going and say what else was on her mind. Maybe it would help Xander see the light. "Give Buffy and Spike a break, Xander. It's n-not easy for people to make a relationship work, and you're making it that much harder for them; they've got enough crap to deal with as it is. You're coming off as the mean, unreasonable one in this -- and that's in comparison to a _vampire_. That doesn't make you look too good."

Willow held Tara's hand on the tabletop, giving Xander a warning look to tell him that he'd better not jump down Tara's throat.

"Don't you think we'd be doing more harm than good if we act like we're encouraging it?" Xander asked Tara carefully, so as not to make Willow defensive and cranky. "After what happened with Angel... When it goes wrong -- and it _will_ \-- I'd at least like to be able to say I didn't cheer Buffy on." 

"You're sure it's going to end badly?" Tara wondered.

"Uh, yeah," Xander said, adding a silent 'Duh!'

Tara raised an eyebrow. "Just like you were sure Spike kidnapped and hurt Buffy?" 

"Ooh, burn!" Willow exclaimed. She didn't relish having to bicker with Xander, but Willow couldn't help being pleased that Tara was coming out of her shell around other people more often. "Good one, sweetie." 

Tara smiled wanly at Willow. That was one of her very first burns, but she wasn't able to enjoy it at the moment. Her stomach was all tied up in knots from speaking her mind with anyone besides Willow. But it did feel good to get things off her chest and not keep it to herself like she usually did.

"Now you're being rude, too!" Anya said irritably, pointing at Tara. She was just as surprised as Xander that it was the shy witch saying these things. Was the Wiccan possessed by a rude, evil spirit?

Tara added, more kindly, "I'm just saying, you were wrong about Spike once, isn't it possible you're wrong about him again?"

Xander pursed his lips, his ego stung from having that brought up again. "Kick a guy while he's down why don'cha, Tara? Yeah, I really needed to be reminded of that... Dawn's annoying phone messages weren't enough. Damn..." Xander muttered, heading for the storeroom downstairs. Tara standing up to and butting heads with him was a shock; he never would've expected that from her. 

He thought, _'And now, to make my night complete, I've been told off by the nicest, sweetest person I've ever met... Could they be right? Am I being too... unreasonable about Spike?'_ Xander had a lot of thinking to do.

Anya was angry that everyone had ganged up on Xander this evening. She put her hands on her hips and gave both Willow and Tara a scowl. "Leave Xander alone, you big bullies! Isn't it enough that Buffy threatened to disembowel him when she dragged him into the training room?"

"Oh, she did _not_ ," Willow groaned, rolling her eyes.

"Well, I'm sure she was thinking it -- I saw that hostile look on her face as she was dragging him in there against his will. And since none of us know any different, that could very well be what Buffy said. I may not agree with how Xander's handling the situation with Spike, but he has valid reasons for feeling the way he does. 

"He's just worried about Buffy," Anya continued, "he doesn't deserve to have everyone treating him like an ogre! I've known ogres, and Xander's no ogre. You're both just... mean! And rude! And Giles is, too!" Anya walked off in a huff, going downstairs to comfort her boyfriend.

Tara looked at Willow with raised brows. " _We're_ rude and mean? After the stuff Xander said to Spike, and the rude things Anya's always saying? Do you think she actually knows the _meaning_ of the word 'rude'?"

Willow shook her head and shrugged. "Well, maybe there’s a new game that combines sex and Scrabble -- learn a word, have an orgasm,” Willow quipped dryly, rolling her eyes. “Triple word score gets you three...”

Tara laughed lightly, happy they were alone in the shop. “Wonder what happens if you get a ‘bingo’?” she mused, a slight blush rising on her cheeks.

Willow smiled. “I’ll show you later...”


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to my awesome beta, Passion4Spike! She's a dynamo! :D
> 
> Banners by xoChantelly and Edgehead

 

Spike leaned back on the Harley and had a smoke while he waited for Buffy to emerge from the Magic Box. He'd walked out of the shop as soon as he was sure his legs wouldn't give out while making his exit. There was no bloody way he was about to stay in there to be subjected to the Scoobies' condemnation just because he'd roughed Xander up a little bit. They hadn't said anything, but he knew they were about to.

The effects of the chip going off had lessened, so he was sure he could drive the bike with no problems. He didn't expect to feel so much better so quickly after the bad shock the chip had given him; it was probably because of the pleasant surprise Spike had gotten when he realized Buffy was mad at Xander, and not just him, about what happened. It was a shame he couldn't get _just one_ punch in before the chip shocked him. 

Spike sighed wistfully and blew out a slow stream of smoke, musing how fantastic it would've been if Dru's hypno-blocking of the chip had lasted a while longer, or if he could find a hypnotist to do it again... He shook his head, no good could come of that sort of thinking. No one trusted him now, they sure as hell wouldn't trust him if he were free to do as he pleased.

Spike growled quietly as he ran the scene with Xander through his mind again. The nerve of the little tosser, speaking to William the Bloody like that... Xander was the only person (besides Angelus) to ever speak to Spike with such outrageous disrespect and still be able to walk away at the end. At no time should anyone piss off a Master Vampire -- even if the vamp has a chip in his brain and can't punch a hole through your body and turn you into a hand puppet like he would normally do. No one should ever do something as dangerous and unwise as taunting even a chipped Master Vampire... because the chip situation _could change_ , and that Master Vamp will remember who it was that disrespected him... Harris either had a massive set of wrinklies or he was just tragically stupid -- Spike was betting on the latter.

A few of the things Xander said were stuck on repeat in Spike's mind. Could it be true that Buffy was settling for him? She'd gotten dumped by 'Wonder Bread' not long ago, and she'd been weepy and depressed after that... And what if Buffy wasn't ever able to love him? What if her feelings never went that deep? What if she just couldn't bring herself to love him because of all the evil he'd done in his life? 

As fun as all those 'What ifs' were to contemplate, Spike still didn't know what Buffy would say to him about the incident with Xander. Yes, she'd taken Xander aside to bitch at him -- but that didn't mean Spike wouldn't have been the next one pulled into the training room. He had no idea how angry Buffy might be with him... and that made him nervous.

Spike dropped his cigarette on the sidewalk and ground it out under his boot when he saw Buffy coming out of the shop. She didn't look happy, not that he expected she would be. She was mostly looking down at the ground as she walked over to him. He stood and licked his lips anxiously, waiting for her reaction to what he'd done.

But Buffy didn't say a word, she kept her eyes on the pavement. Spike tilted his head to try and see her face better. "You alright?" 

Buffy nodded and looked up at him, and Spike noticed tears in her eyes. His phantom heart constricted at seeing those tears, he never could stand to see her sad and crying... not since he realized he was in love with her, anyway. Spike wanted to take Buffy in his arms and comfort her, but he didn't know how much of that anger and sadness he was seeing was because of him.

"How's your head? Still hurting?" Buffy asked softly. 

That she seemed concerned about him gave Spike a smidgeon of hope. "Yeah, but I'm feelin' much better now. The tiny, sadistic man in my head with the sledgehammer finally fucked off. I think I'll be able to drive just fine."

"Good. Let's get to the cemetery and patrol," Buffy said flatly, getting on the back of the bike. She needed a few minutes to regroup and gather her thoughts before beginning another serious conversation.

Spike got on and started up the motorcycle. Buffy didn't hold him as tight as she did on the way to the coffeehouse or the shop, which worried Spike again. He gave his utmost attention to driving, but his mind was also whirring to think of any good excuse he could give her for why he'd attacked Xander. He didn't want to tell her everything, maybe he'd just tell her the bits Xander had said about him, not the shit about him only wanting to fuck a Slayer. It was wholly untrue, but Buffy might get that tune stuck in her head, too. Spike wondered again how much Buffy was able to overhear.

But would _any_ excuse fly with the Slayer as to why he'd blown up at one of her besties? Maybe she'd seen the old Spike at that moment and was reminded that the demon was still inside him, just waiting to come out the next time he got angry... like the Incredible bloody Hulk. Maybe Buffy was thinking Spike really hadn't changed all that much, after all...

Spike parked the bike outside the Restfield Cemetery gates, and they dismounted.

Buffy took her stake, Mr. Pointy, out of her jacket and walked through the gates. She seemed a bit detached, lost in her own thoughts. Once he concealed the bike amongst some foliage, Spike took a steadying breath and jogged to catch up with her.

He glanced at her as they walked side-by-side. She looked unhappy, her delicate brow slightly creased. Spike didn't want to draw this out, if Buffy was going to tear him a new one, he'd rather she did it now. Letting anger build up wasn't a good idea, like the way his anger had grown until he exploded and tried to hurt Xander.

"So... just how brassed off are you, luv?” Spike asked hesitantly.

" _Very_ brassed off," Buffy grumbled. "What happened at the shop really sucked! And I didn't want to have to talk to Xander like that, but he had to go and act like an asshole and left me no choice."

Spike couldn't help smirking slightly for just a second, wishing he could've been a fly on the wall to witness her yelling at Xander. That would've been _priceless_.

Buffy frowned at him. "Don't look so smug, Mr. Punchy. You're not off the hook for what you did."

Spike took and released a long breath. "Alright... let me have it, then." He looked at her with a question in his eyes, afraid to ask it, but he had to. "Just tell me one thing before you lay into me... Do you still want to be my girl... or did I blow it?"

Buffy sighed and smiled sadly, she hadn't meant to scare Spike into thinking she was furious enough to break up with him by being so closed off since they'd left the Magic Box. She'd just needed time to herself and her own thoughts. "You thought I'd break up with you over what happened with Xander?"

"I put my hands on one of your best mates in anger..." Spike lowered his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. "So, yeah... I thought it might've changed your mind about me." He kept his head down, but glanced over at her out of the corner of his eye. 

Buffy shook her head and stopped walking. Spike stopped a moment after she did, turning toward her and wondering if she was going to hit him or just shout at him. Head still down, he jammed his hands into the pockets of his leather jacket, preparing for the worst. 

Buffy stepped up to him, put two fingers under his chin, and tilted his head back up until their eyes met. Buffy gave him a little kiss on the lips, even though she wasn't really in the mood for smoochies. Spike just looked so adorable and nervous, she had to let him know she wasn't _that_ mad at him. "It didn't change my mind, Spike, I still want to be with you. If you'd attacked Xander out of nowhere and for no good reason, _then_ we'd have a problem."

Spike smiled with relief, took his hands out of his pockets and put his arms around her waist. "I didn't know what was goin' through that cute little noggin o' yours." He kissed her on the forehead. "I was sweatin' bullets for a while there." 

"I'm not happy about what you did, Spike... but I know Xander was pushing your buttons again," Buffy said with a frown, remembering what she'd overheard.

"He was pushin' buttons like a bloody lab rat on amphetamines," Spike agreed, growling. "I felt myself gettin' more and more pissed off... and I _did_ warn him repeatedly that he'd best shut his gob, but he didn't take heed... It actually had the opposite effect and encouraged the git. I made the mistake of lettin' what Harris said get to me rather than responding in kind with some button pushin' of my own..." He took a deep, calming breath and squared his shoulders. "Won't happen again, luv."

"Yes, it will," Buffy sighed wearily and patted his face.

Spike frowned. "No, really... I mean it. I'll ignore --"

She shook her head, laid a hand on his chest over his un-beating heart, and looked into his ocean blue eyes. "It's like you said, your favorite pastime is stickin' it to each other. That's the kind of relationship you and Xander have. It's going to happen and keep on a' happenin'."

"Well... yeah. I only meant I won't try to rough the boy up again," Spike explained. "I've got his number now, I know what he's tryin' to do; I won't let him play me again."

"Oh, well, that's good -- absolutely no more physical violence. No _attempts_ at physical violence, either. The constant picking at each other is bad enough... I don't have to tell you it was wrong to lose your head and attack Xander, no matter what he said, do I?"

"I know it was wrong..." Spike admitted somberly. "And I'm sorry, Buffy."

"You're really sorry for going after Xander?" Buffy asked doubtfully. She assumed, if anything, Spike was only sorry he hadn't been able to _successfully_ attack Xander.

"Yes... and no. The spotty little twerp deserved a thrashing... I'm mostly sorry you're disappointed in me for doin' it..." Spike looked away, his jaw ticced. "I'm disappointed in m'self too -- I shoulda been able to let what he said roll right off my back." He shook his head and looked up at the sky, saying in a sigh, "But I played right into his soddin' hands, took the bait, and went right off the deep end. I hate bein' played, but I hate it even more when I'm daft enough to fucking _fall for it_... Outwitted by Xander bloody Harris... not my proudest moment."

Buffy didn't want to have to ask this, but she needed to hear his answer. "What would you have done if the chip didn't work?"

Spike pursed his lips, pondering her question. "I didn't think much beyond punching him in his big bloody mouth... I wouldn't've killed him, if that's what you mean," Spike assured her. "Not sayin' I wouldn't've _wanted_ to... But I know how important your friends are to you, I wouldn't hurt you by takin' any of them away from you... not even that gourmless tit Harris."

"I wanted to punch him in his big bloody mouth, too," Buffy confessed, her right hand curling into a fist for a moment. "Both of..." She paused, her brow furrowing. "Did you call him a 'tit'?"

Spike smiled and nodded. 

Buffy snorted and shook her head, then got back to what she'd been saying. "Both of us need to develop thicker skins. People are going to say that us being together is wrong, we just have to learn to ignore them. We need to be more duck-y."

"'Duck-y'? Peking or a l’Orange?”

“Not cooked ducks!” Buffy explained with an eyeroll. “We need to be live ducks... just let it all roll off our backs.”

"Ah." Spike nodded... he’d never really been good at being ‘duck-y’... never had any reason to be in over a century. "Do you think Harris will tone it down after your talk with him?" 

"I honestly don't know. I'd like to think what I said got through to him, but..." Buffy shrugged and sighed. "I threatened to get in Anya's face the way he gets in your face, and that definitely scared Xander for a minute. But I think he knows I wouldn't've gone through with it. If he calls my bluff and starts on you again... I got nothin' else. I just want it to stop..." She sighed again, her shoulders slumping.

Spike wrapped his arms around her and held her close. Buffy leaned against his chest; feeling his hard body pressed flush with hers and his strong arms surrounding her was helping her feel more relaxed. Breathing in his scent also helped her feel more at ease. Buffy inhaled deeply through her nose -- leather was the dominant scent, but others were mingled with it: tobacco, the Sumatra blend coffee he'd had at the cafe, what she thought might be engine oil, something spicy (like those chicken wings he's so fond of), and a clean, fresh scent like an ocean breeze. Spike was definitely the yummiest smelling vampire she'd ever had the pleasure to sniff. Ordinary vamps tended to be smelly, that was another way Spike differed from most of his kind. 

They hugged, trying to lend each other some comfort.

"I heard what Xander said to you..." Buffy pulled back to look at him. "I heard the things that made you so angry."

"How _much_ did you hear?" Spike asked warily.

"Enough. I didn't catch everything, but Xander let a few other vile things he said to you slip when I was talking to him. All of it just made me sick..." Buffy made a face like she had a bad taste in her mouth. "How you only want to have sex with me to _conquer_ a Slayer, and how you're just _convenient_ to me... It was just nasty bullshit, he doesn't know what he's talking about, Spike. I'm sorry he said those disgusting things to you..."

They both had some big insecurities. What Xander said about Spike just being convenient to Buffy did indeed strike a nerve. Spike was worried that Buffy might really just be on the rebound from getting dumped, feeling lonely and needing validation that she was desirable and lovable. After Dru left him, Spike had felt so low and needy that he'd hooked up with Harmony... Spike knew how loneliness, combined with low self-esteem, could make you do really stupid things that you'd eventually regret; someone could pick the wrongest person in the world for them if they felt bad enough about themselves. Was that what Buffy was doing with him? In his most insecure moments, Spike had a nightmarish vision of Riley or Angel coming back to town to reclaim Buffy, and her saying, 'Well, it's been fun, Spike -- but the man I love wants me back. Bye!' It would destroy him if Buffy tossed him aside for either one of those wankers.

And Buffy worried that Spike's love and lust for her might fade once they slept together. Sometimes people find they aren't as happy as they imagined they'd be once they get what they'd wanted so desperately, it was the old 'be careful what you wish for' rule of life... Or he could just be in for a big ol' downer when he does finally sleep with her and finds out Angelus was right... and she wasn't 'worth a second go'. Spike had been dreaming and fantasizing about her for months -- how could she possibly live up to the hype his subconscious had created? 

They both worried that voicing their biggest fears to the other might make them look foolish or that being so insecure would be a huge turn-off, or that they'd be offended by the apparent lack of trust. Nobody wants to be with an insecure, needy person whom they constantly have to reassure. So... they kept those deeper fears to themselves for now... hoping that the thing they feared would never materialize... hoping the ‘there is nothing to fear but fear itself’ rule of life would kick the ‘careful wishes’ rule’s ass.

Buffy laid a hand on Spike's cheek, he smiled softly at her and leaned into her touch. "Spike, none of what Xander said is true. I care about you... I care _so_ much."

Spike thought, _'Care... but not love. Will it ever be love?'_ He pushed that thought away, reminding himself to be happy with whatever Buffy was able to give him. It might never be love, but what he had with her right now was a bloody miracle and he knew he was _very_ lucky to have it. Spike was a proud man, but he would take crumbs from Buffy if that was all she could give... even her crumbs were delicious, like manna from heaven.

Spike put his hand over hers, turning his face to kiss the inside of her wrist before looking back into her eyes. "The thing Xander said... about me just wanting to _conquer_ you, it was complete bollocks. You know that, don't you, pet? If all I wanted was a shag... That's not what I want, Buffy." He smiled tenderly and ran a hand lightly over her shiny, shampoo commercial, blonde hair. "You're my golden goddess, I adore you. I don't have any hidden motives in wanting to be with you. I love you, that's all the motive I have or need."

Buffy pulled him into a hug. The insecure Buffy within her whispered, _'He calls you a goddess... Spike's put you on such a high pedestal... You can't live up to his flawless ideal of you.'_ She closed her eyes as she held him tightly in her arms, telling that voice in her head to shut up, trying to convince herself that all her fears were unfounded... but the ‘nowhere to go but down’ life rule kept creeping into the back of her mind. 

"You think it's possible for us to salvage the night?" Spike asked hopefully. "I was having such a grand time before..." 

Buffy hadn't thought it was in the cards for them to continue their evening of romance after what happened at the Magic Box, but she was feeling calmer since they'd arrived at the cemetery... most likely because she and Spike were alone again and had time to talk and be affectionate with each other, with no naysayers to bring them down or interfere. 

"Yeah, let's pretend we came straight here from the coffeehouse. None of that other bullshit happened. Well... it's worth a try, anyway." Buffy leaned back and smiled brightly at him. "Hey, wanna go kill some stuff?"

Spike laughed. "Thought you'd never ask, luv!" They held hands as they set off through the graveyard together. "Don't pay me no mind if I call a demon 'Xander' while I'm beating the shit out of it. I'll just be workin' out some issues. It's cheaper than seeing a shrink."

* * *

They had no trouble finding several baddies to slay, there was no shortage of things to kill like on their previous few patrols. Both of them felt somewhat better after the fights, it helped to get some of their aggression and frustration out. For their last fight, they got a pack of four vampires at once. These vamps weren't inexperienced fledglings, they'd all been around at least a few years, which made the fight tougher (and more satisfying) than the other ones Buffy had engaged in recently.

Buffy and Spike each had two vamps to fight, they were both able to take one out without too much trouble, but the ones they were left with proved to be a bit harder to kill.

Spike dusted his second vamp, took a moment to revel in victory, and then strolled toward Buffy just as she finished staking her last opponent. 

Her back was to him, her shoulders moving up and down slightly with exertion. The way the moonlight bounced off her golden hair mesmerized him for a moment, she was so beautiful yet so deadly; so strong and yet so vulnerable. _'Ah, ma belle Buffy... she's all good things rolled into one pretty, sexy li'l package.'_

Spike grinned and laid a hand on her shoulder, about to congratulate her for another victory.

Buffy whirled around, leading with her fist, and punched him in the face. Spike grunted and went flying backwards. 

It wasn't until her fist made contact with his jaw that Buffy realized it was Spike and not one of the vampires they'd been fighting. Buffy had been pumped and ready to take on the next enemy; she'd thought there was still one of them left to fight. Her eyes went wide and she gasped as she watched Spike sail through the air. 

Spike landed on his back on the ground with a hard *thud*, staying motionless for a few moments. "...Oww..." he muttered.

"Spike!" Buffy shouted, dropping the stake in her hand like it was hot. She ran to him and straddled his waist, sitting down hard on the tops of his thighs. She bent over him to inspect his injury. "Are you insane!? I could've staked you! You're lucky I was throwing a punch instead of stabbing that stake into your chest!" 

Spike shook his head to shoo away the cartoon bluebirds orbiting it, then slowly rubbed his smarting jaw. "Yeah... didn't really think that one through, did I? Sneakin' up on a Slayer without announcin' my presence first ain't a good idea... I get that now." He felt stupid for making a mistake like that, he knew better. But Spike had been waxing poetic about Buffy and wasn't thinking straight... He'd have to be more careful about that in the future.

Buffy dropped down on top of him, hugging him painfully and squeezing her eyes shut. "My God, Spike... I could've killed you..." she whispered against his neck. "Please... please never sneak up on me like that again." 

Spike brought his arms up around her, stroking his hands up and down her back. "No worries, darlin'... learned my lesson, I did. I'll be standing a good distance away next time. Maybe I'll use semaphore flags to congratulate you on a battle well-won."

Buffy snorted a laugh, wondering how it was that he could still make her laugh when her heart was racing with anxiety and dread. The image she got in her head of Spike standing on a distant hilltop and waving flags around made her giggle. She raised up and looked down at him, gingerly touching his reddened cheek. "I don't want anything happening to you... you stupid, gorgeous vampire." She added with a wry smile, "Why are the pretty ones always so dumb?"

Spike smirked up at her, putting his hands on the outsides of her thighs. "Fancy me, do ya, luv?" He gave her his patented cocked eyebrow, and curled his tongue up over his top teeth (also patented).

"Yes, I do fancy you. I _really_ fancy you. So be more careful from now on, understand?" Buffy smacked his chest.

"Count on it. Hmm..." Spike's smirk turned more lewd and he wriggled his body under her. "...I must say, I'm feelin' pretty good at the moment. Your TLC is makin' my pain fade away to nothing. I wouldn't mind you knockin' me on my ass again if we can do this afterwards..."

Buffy blushed and smacked his chest again. "Not even a near death experience can make you non-horny for a minute, huh?"

Spike puckered his lips and looked upwards at the sky, mulling that over for a nanosecond, then looked back at her and said, "Nope."

"I didn't think so; you really are incorrigible." Buffy touched his cheekbone, lightly tracing down to his lips and thinking how particularly beautiful Spike looked by moonlight. If she'd decided to whirl around with her stake extended instead of her closed fist, she wouldn't be admiring Spike's rugged beauty right now... She was still feeling shaky inside from the near-staking, it had been way _too_ close for Buffy's liking. 

The thought went through her mind, _'God... what would I do if I lost him now?'_ But Buffy didn't take time to pursue the thought and examine how it would make her feel to lose Spike. All she knew was that it would hurt her badly, worse than it would've hurt after their first date; her affection for him has grown by the day. She didn't want to think, even for a moment, about losing someone who had become so special to her.

Buffy was about to stand up, but then changed her mind -- she dropped back down against Spike's chest and started kissing him fiercely. She felt a sudden, desperate need to kiss him, to affirm that he was okay and that he was hers. She had to unleash some of her passion for Spike or she'd explode. 

Spike was taken by surprise and Mmmphed! when Buffy was suddenly mauling his lips and her tongue forced its way into his mouth. But, of course, he quickly got into it. Nothing turned him on more than Buffy being all demanding and fiery.

They moaned and grunted, holding each other tight and rolling around on the ground together for a minute. They came to a stop with Buffy back on top. She sat up to straddle him again, both of them were breathing heavily.

Buffy could feel how the frenzied makeout had excited Spike, his stiffening dick was right under her butt. And Lord knew it had excited her, her panties were getting damp in the crotch and her heart was beating wildly. She had the strong desire to just start grinding down on Spike and let nature take its course... But screwing on the grass wasn't any more romantic than screwing against a tree. She wanted to stick to her 'unbelievably romantic first time' plan.

Spike raised his head, panting and looking at Buffy with anticipation. If she gave the go-ahead, he was ready to give her a night to remember... what would hopefully be the first in a long series of nights for both of them to remember.

"I... uh, think we should get back to it -- patrolling, I mean..." Buffy said as she stood up, extending a hand to him to help him up. 

"Yeah... patrolling," Spike groaned, dropping his head back onto the grass. He looked up at the stars and breathed deeply. "Exactly what I was thinking..." He thought, _'Bloody hell... this waiting bollocks really is gonna kill me...'_ He said, "I'll be right with ya... just give us a minute, luv."

* * *

The pair continued patrol after they got their hormones back under control and recovered from their attacks of the hornies. They weren't finding any more demons or vamps to slay, though. It seemed like they'd cleared out the cemetery for now.

Spike rubbed at the minor, lingering ache in his jaw from Buffy's powerful right hook. "Been too long since you popped me one... I kinda missed it," he joked. Though it wasn't a total joke, he _did_ sometimes enjoy it when Buffy got rough with him, but it was better when he could hit back. Fighting (or sparring, as he'd rather call it now) with Buffy always got his blood pumping, figuratively speaking.

"Getting hit turns you on..." Buffy shook her head and chuckled, "You're beyond weird." 

"Not gettin' hit, per se, it's _the dance_ I get off on. The back and forth, having to think on m' feet, blocking out the pain and givin' as good as I get, tryin' to best an opponent who's my equal... Having a clever, talented, and _beautiful_ partner such as yourself to dance with is a rare treat."

Buffy smiled at the compliments. "Well... I guess that kinda appeals to me, too. An intense fight with someone who pushes you to be your best... It _is_ sort of a rush..."

Spike smiled and nodded knowingly. He knew fighting aroused her too, but she was too much of a good girl to admit it... and that made him so hot. It'd be easier to list things that _didn't_ make him hot when it came to Buffy.

"So, you got... excited when we fought all those times?" Buffy asked, blushing once again.

"Well... yeah. You were always so strong and creative, I loved goin' toe-to-toe with you... even if I did get my ass kicked every bloody time." Spike smiled, but then frowned a bit when he looked at her, worried again that she might not be over the way things used to be between them. "Did you enjoy fighting with me?"

Buffy tried not to smile, but she did a little. "Yeah... I actually did enjoy it. I mean, at the times when we fought I didn't think of it as 'hot' in any way... not _consciously_. I couldn't think of it that way, it would've wigged me big-time to admit to myself I wanted you or that I got off on fighting on any level. I would've felt like a giant perv."

"See, that's one way we're different -- I take pride in bein' a giant perv. I can teach you to eventually embrace your pervy side. You gotta let your freak flag fly sometimes or you'll go mad, pet."

They laughed lightly, and then got focused back on patrol.

As they quietly enjoyed their stroll, they both thought of (but didn't bring up) when they'd been fighting in that church what seemed like a lifetime ago now. Buffy had switched with Kendra, wanting to fight Spike herself. Spike had said, 'I'd rather be fighting you, anyway.' And Buffy had replied, 'Mutual.' And that was the way it had always been with them -- they got a thrill from fighting each other, even if Buffy never admitted or acknowledged it to anyone (including herself) before.

Buffy was putting the less than pleasant aspects of their fights in perspective, Spike had evolved so much since those days. Though Buffy would _never_ tell him so, she was glad Spike got chipped, not just because it prevented him from killing humans, but also because it had forced Spike to change and tap back into the man he'd once been. None of this would've been possible if Spike hadn't been humbled and neutered... erm, _muzzled_ by the chip.

Buffy recalled something she'd said to Willow about Riley last year... 

_'But I can't help thinking -- isn't that where the fire comes from? Can a nice, safe relationship be that intense? I know it's nuts, but... part of me believes that real love and passion have to go hand in hand with pain and fighting.'_

That _nice, safe_ relationship had turned out to be a big bucket of shit. Buffy had convinced herself that she loved Riley because she'd wanted it to work so badly, and it was the relationship that _everyone else_ thought she should be in. Riley had had the 'Scooby Gang Seal of Approval', the approval that Spike might never get, ironically. But Buffy needed that fire and passion which Riley could never deliver on his best day; _normal_ guys would never do, not for her, she saw that now. But Spike had that fire and passion she needed, in spades -- he was 95% fire and passion. He was intense and powerful, and so enthusiastic about everything he did, but he also had a romantic, tender, softer side -- that combination was really what Buffy wanted and needed in a man. She wished it were possible for her and Spike to fight again -- not a serious, to-the-death kind of fight, but just to test each other's abilities and get that _rush_.

The silence was broken by the loud growling of Buffy's stomach.

Buffy slapped a hand over her rumbling tummy, smiling sheepishly. "Sorry."

"Peckish?" Spike winced. "Damn... we were gonna stop and get something for dinner before patrol, weren't we? Completely slipped my mind."

"Yeah. But don't feel bad, I forgot I was hungry after we went to the shop. Kinda lost my appetite after that."

"Well, seems like your appetite's back with a vengeance, yeah? Let's get you fed," Spike said, putting an arm around her shoulders. "I need to stop at the crypt 'fore we go. You mind?"

Buffy shook her head, and they started walking toward Spike's place.

* * *

When they got to the crypt, Buffy reached out to open the door, but Spike stopped her and said, "Wait out here, I'll be right back."

"I don't care if the place is dirty, Spike. I mean, I _have_ seen it before, you'll never make the cover of Good Housekeeping. You really don't have to clean up for me."

"Just wait here," he repeated, then gave her a quick kiss before hurrying inside and shutting the door behind him.

"Okay..." Buffy wondered why he was making her wait outside, but shrugged and leaned her back against the wall while she waited for Spike to come back out. 

A minute passed and Spike still wasn't back. 

Buffy started getting impatient. She called through the door, "Did you get lost? C'mon, Spike, I'm hungry! Buffy want food!"

Spike came back out a few moments later carrying a picnic hamper and with a blanket slung over his shoulder. "Your wish is my command, luv."

Buffy grinned. "What's that?"

"A little something I prepared earlier." He spread the big, red and white checkerboard blanket out on the ground near the open door of the crypt. "I went by Chez Henri and had them fix another cheeseboard for us."

"Oooh, yum! That was the best cheeseboard I ever had," Buffy exclaimed as she sat on the blanket. "This beats fast food any day."

Spike knelt down and took the food out of the basket. Just like the one they'd had at the restaurant, the assortment of cheeses was accompanied by fruit, crackers, toasted nuts, and a baguette. Buffy's mouth watered, she couldn't wait to start digging in.

"You said you could make a meal outta the cheeseboard alone, so..." Spike gestured at the spread of cheesy goodness, "have at it, pet."

"You were going to surprise me with this the whole time."

Spike smirked. 

"Getting something to eat 'completely slipped your mind', huh?" Buffy asked with a smile. "You bad boy, making me think you forgot about buying me dinner."

Spike winked. "Like I would forget to keep my girl fed and in tippity-top condition? Not bloody likely. I wasn't going to _not_ buy you dinner for our second date, that's why I suggested you get just the danish at the coffeehouse... Hope you didn't think I was just bein' a cheap bastard." 

Buffy laughed and shook her head no. She leaned over the picnic hamper and gave him a soft, lingering kiss. "This was very sweet of you. It's exactly what I needed."

Spike kissed her back, nibbling at her bottom lip. "That's what I was hoping you'd say."

Buffy sat back, her heart expanding and her affection for Spike going up yet another notch. She wanted to smother him with kisses for doing something else so damn sweet for her.

"The only hitch in my plan was us bein' in sorry moods after we left the shop. I didn't think you'd be in the mood for a picnic or merriment of any kind after that..."

"Well, I _am_ in the mood now. I'm starved!" Buffy didn't waste any time tucking into the food.

Spike smiled with amusement as he watched Buffy stuff her face, her hands almost a blur as she brought more food to her mouth. "I s'pose this isn't a 'traditional' dinner... technically, it's not; it was just the starter at the restaurant."

Buffy started to talk while she was chewing, but stopped to wipe her mouth when a few crumbs flew out. Spike laughed and she swatted at his arm while she finished swallowing the mouthful of food. 

"You were saying?" Spike asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"I was saying, I don't care that it's not 'traditional'. It's yummy and filling. But if you feel bad... you can always buy me a traditional dinner on our next date." She grinned.

Spike sighed happily, seeing her smiling brilliantly again made his insides go all jelly. And to hear her say she wanted a third date did wonders for his mood, too. "You sure you want another date already? Don't want to wait 'til the end of this one to decide?" he teased.

"Mmhmm, I'm sure, I want a Date #3. Before you start planning something extravagant, I want you to know that I'll be happy with a cheeseburger and fries... and a chocolate milkshake... and maybe one of those apple pie thingies."

"Hmm, how about a night at The Bronze? You've gotta try the flowering onion -- it's brilliant! And some spicy --"

Buffy waved her hand, waiting until she swallowed to say, "But didn't you say 'the flowering onion got remodeled off the menu'?"

"Aw, you remembered me tellin' you that?" Spike was touched that she remembered his attempt at small talk before her change of heart about him.

Buffy nodded as she stuck another piece of cheese and hunk of bread in her mouth. She remembered that conversation between her and Spike, it was right before the whole thing with Dru happened. Buffy had been surly and dismissive of him, even though Spike had just helped her fight Glory at the hospital. She'd been unfair to him back then... It seemed so long ago now.

He smirked, then continued. "Well, I'm proud to say I had a talk with one of the managers and fixed that problem. The flowering onion is back where it belongs. Prices are still bloody ridiculous, though. They know there's a lack of decent places to go in Sunnyhell, got the citizens by the short 'n curlies, they do."

"I'm not much of a 'bar food' type of gal, but I will sample your favorite foods and give them a chance," Buffy promised.

Spike took two wine glasses and a bottle of red wine out of the hamper. "Wine, mademoiselle?" he asked, showing her the bottle.

"Oui, monsieur!" Buffy took a glass. 

"Mmmm, I like hearin' you speak French, pet. Very hot..." Spike waggled his eyebrows and gave her an open-mouthed smile.

"Well... that's pretty much the extent of my French speaking. Maybe I'll have time to bone up on French in between apocalypses." 

Buffy blinked when Spike suddenly went into game face. 

Before she could ask him why he'd changed, Spike bit down on the cork in the wine bottle, then pulled back until it popped out. He turned his head to the side and spit the cork out onto the grass at the edge of the blanket.

Buffy laughed. "Okay... first time I ever saw anyone remove a cork like that... Why did you do that?"

"Lost m' corkscrew," Spike replied, shaking his head slightly as he morphed back into his human face. He smiled, showing his non-pointy, human teeth. "That didn't scare ya, did it? Me changing like that?"

"It... startled me a little, maybe." She raised her wine glass. "But you made me laugh, so I don't mind the brief startling. And your vamp face is pretty, too." 

"Pretty?!" Spike said with mock outrage as he tilted the bottle and filled her glass. "Piffle! I'm a frightening, dangerous, dead-sexy beast. 'M not _pretty_... or broody, for that matter." 

"Sorry, I still say you're pretty -- in a very frightening and extremely dangerous sorta way." She did find Spike's vampire visage eerily, primitively beautiful... and sexy. Buffy was taken aback at realizing she'd gotten a little thrill up her spine when he'd changed into game face. She got hot at the thought of him doing things to her while he was vamped out? That was a surprising realization... but not one she was prepared to discuss with him at the moment or dwell on herself. She did have lots of trouble letting her freak flag fly, but she definitely possessed one. She wondered if she would ever be able to bring it out into the light of day... and if she did, would it be full of moth holes and smell funny from being stored in that trunk in the attic too long?

Spike poured himself a glass, and then held it up next to hers. "To... new beginnings."

"I'll drink to that." Buffy smiled and clinked glasses with him.

They sipped their wine and noshed on some more food.

"Okay, now that we're relaxing and enjoying our tasty vittles, it's time for more demons to come out of the woodwork... or the ground, whatever. Having a picnic in a cemetery at night guarantees ants and/or demons will crash the party." Buffy looked around, fully expecting to see a vamp or other demon coming at them.

Spike shrugged as he popped a piece of fruit into his mouth. "If any party crashers drop by, we'll slay 'em and then get on with the rest of our meal. Let 'em come to us for a change, we've done enough walkin' tonight."

Buffy nodded. "But let's try to slay them _away_ from the blanket. I don't wanna get demon goop or vamp dust on the food."

"Damn, forgot somethin' else I wanted to bring... I'd forget my bloody head if it wasn't attached." Spike sighed and got up.

"Where're you going now?" Buffy asked.

Spike leaned inside the open door of the crypt without answering her, and brought out his boombox. "Some music for atmosphere."

Buffy smiled as he sat back down and turned on the CD player. The first song was 'You Really Got A Hold On Me', which took Buffy back to that dream she'd had, the one where Spike had sung that song to the herd of cats. And it made her wonder again what it might mean, if anything, that little things from her dreams kept popping up in real-life.

"You don't like the song?" Spike asked, mistaking her pensive expression for one of disapproval of his song choice.

"Huh? Oh, no I do like the song; I've always liked it. I was just thinking... I didn't tell you about that song, did I?"

"Did you tell me about it?" Spike asked, confused.

"It was in a dream I had, you sang it to me... well, Dream Spike sung it to the cats, but dedicated it to me," Buffy explained.

Spike chuckled. "Ah, that's the ditty I sang to the cats, eh? You did mention it once before, but you never said what song it was. So, no, you didn't tell me about it, my little hummingbird."

Buffy giggled at the term of endearment, trying to disregard the weirdness of that song coming up in her dream and in real-life. She thought of something she'd rather talk about. "You know what, I should come up with a good pet name for you since you have several for me," she said, taking another piece of cheese. "Hmm, what's a good pet name...?" 

"Don't force it, you'll come up with one naturally. But here's a few that you _cannot_ call me: Spikey, Blondie Bear, your Platinum Baby, or..." he paused, then finally mumbled almost too quietly for Buffy to hear, "Sweet Boo-Boo." 

"Sweet Boo-Boo?" Buffy made a 'yikes!' face. "Those are Harmony's, huh?"

"Yeah," Spike groaned. "How'd ya guess?"

"They're silly, that's how. Well... 'Platinum Baby' is kinda cool, I could hear me calling you that," Buffy told him, trying to look as if she were seriously contemplating it. 

Spike gave her a reprimanding look. "Don't even _think_ about it..." 

Buffy laughed and waved her hand, showing she was just kidding.

"Is there anything you want to ask about my... bloody hell, I don't want to call it a 'relationship', but... Is there anything about Harmony and me you want to ask?" Spike wanted Buffy to raise any concerns or issues she might have about A) the fact that he was with Harmony in the first place, or B) that he'd treated Harmony like crap.

"An extreme **no** to that," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I don't want to even _think_ about you and her being... together." That she'd momentarily pictured Spike and Harm having sex on top of a sarcophagus once would remain unsaid.

"Harm was right about one thing the night she tried to kill me... I _did_ treat her like a dog, it wasn't fair. You might say I had some... _issues_ after Dru left me, and Harm was just the unlucky recipient of all my frustration and anger toward Dru, and womankind in general." 

"Bad breakups leave a mark on us... I know," Buffy sympathized. "Taking leftover crap out on a new boyfriend or girlfriend isn't right or fair... but it can happen when our self-esteem and feelings get all messed up."

Spike hoped she didn't hold his behavior toward Harmony against him. "I want you to know I'd never treat you like that, Buffy."

"I know you wouldn't..." Buffy looked back at him and smiled slightly, wanting to inject some humor. "'Cause I'd kick your ass."

He snorted and shook his head. "Well, there is _that_. But... I meant that I'd never treat you badly, because I love you... I've finally outgrown my deeply selfish stage, and I'm completely over Dru."

Buffy really wasn't worried that Spike might be mean to her like he was to Harmony. She'd seen no hint of the disrespect he'd shown Harmony directed toward her since they'd been together; theirs was a much different kind of relationship. "I don't know how you could stand to be around Harmony as long as you did. You could've done _much_ better just by picking a name at random in the phonebook."

"I _couldn't_ stand Harmony 99% of the time. Havin' a conversation with her was... God," he blew out a breath, "it was like Chinese water torture. I never had an emotional bond with her, she was just... convenient." Spike hated using that word, 'convenient', after what Xander said at the shop, but it did fit. "I used her... and I really should've treated her better since I knew how it felt to be mad about someone who's less than... friendly toward you."

Buffy did have compassion for someone in love with another person who hated them, but she didn't want Spike beating himself up over his treatment of Harmony of all people. Maybe she'd feel differently if it was someone even _halfway_ nice or deserving of the sort of thoughtfulness and romance he'd shown Buffy the last few days. "Harmony used other people her entire life, mostly for popularity. I'm sure she used you too... like for protection from me, for one thing." Buffy added silently, _'And the sex was probably terrific...'_

After she got her mind out of the gutter, Buffy continued, "Harmony was never nice to anyone unless there was something in it for her, far as I know. She was a lousy human being and she was even worse as a vampire. And she came back to you even though she already knew about your 'issues'. I just can't feel too sorry for that brainless bimbo."

Spike smiled sadly. "I 'preciate you saying that to make me feel better, luv. But I know it must bother you at least a little."

Buffy shook her head. "Harmony, and anything that happened between the two of you, is in the past. 'You and me' are totally different than 'you and her' were."

"Like night and bloody day," Spike agreed, nodding. "If you ever _do_ have a question about one of my exes or relationships, don't hesitate to ask. I don't want you holdin' back and keeping worries to yourself. Alright?"

"Same goes for you. You probably don't want to hear anything about... my exes, though."

Spike just shook his head no, not wanting to start another unpleasant discussion tonight. He knew he'd end up going on and on like a jealous, insecure prat about how much he hated the other men Buffy had been with.

Buffy was thankful she hadn't felt brave enough to tell him about her deeper insecurities. By the look on his face when she only mentioned her exes, she knew Spike wouldn't want to hear her talk about those other guys. And he'd probably get upset and wonder if she still had romantic feelings for any of them. Things got murky when it came to Angel; he was her first love and lover, and would always have a place in her heart -- but Spike would probably get insanely jealous if she said that.

"There might be somethin' else in the basket for you," Spike said, nodding toward the picnic hamper.

"Yeah?" Buffy smiled again. "What is it?"

"Look in and find out for yourself..." 

"Okay..." Buffy started leaning over cautiously to look into the basket, "better not be something that'll jump out at me..." she joked.

"Nah, it's dead," Spike remarked casually as he chewed a bite of food.

Buffy sat back up quickly, giving him a look.

Spike laughed. "I mean, it's inanimate, luv, it was never alive."

Buffy rolled her eyes, then looked in the basket to see a small book with a red bow stuck on it. She took it out and read the cover, it said 'Great Love Poems'. Buffy usually dreaded getting books as presents -- she recalled one disappointing Christmas morning when she'd unwrapped the first in a series of encyclopedias. But she was very pleased with this book.

"Aw, love poems! This is the first book I got as a gift that I actually like. Thank you, Spike." She cuddled the book to her chest, and then kissed him on the cheek.

"Welcome." Spike, seeing that she liked the book, grinned with satisfaction. "I thought it'd be appropriate after we attended the readings at the coffeehouse. Some of my favorites are in there."

"That's two presents in one date." Buffy smiled and shook her head, flattered but thinking that Spike was going sweetly overboard again. "I don't want you to think that you have to buy me gifts -- or several gifts -- every time we go out." 

"But I love doin' it, Buffy." Spike reached over and held her hand, looking into her eyes. "I love giving you things. I've wanted to give you tokens of my affection for a long time... but I couldn't up 'til now. It makes me happy to see you smile, and knowing it was something I gave you that made you smile... well, that makes it even sweeter."

"Well... okay, if you _enjoy_ buying me stuff, I wouldn't want to deny you that," Buffy said coyly. She squeezed his hand reassuringly. "But seriously, you _don't_ have to give me gifts all the time. I'm not in it for the swag, I'm happy to just spend time with you in our new and improved relationship."

"Alright," Spike conceded, "maybe I have gone a _bit_ overboard with the gift giving tonight. I'll cool it with the presents..." he added, arching an eyebrow, "...a little." 

Buffy rolled her eyes, still smiling. She opened up the book of poetry and noticed an envelope stuck in the middle. "What's this?" she asked, holding up the envelope.

Spike licked his lips, suddenly regretting what he'd done. "Uh... damn, put that in there by mistake." He reached out to take it, but Buffy held it away from him. 

"What is it? It's not money, is it?" Buffy frowned. "I don't want you giving me money."

"...Yeah, it's money!" Spike said, latching on to that idea. It was obvious to Buffy that he was lying. "That was awfully presumptuous of me, wasn't it? What was I thinking? I'll just take it back, no harm done." He reached for it again, but Buffy quickly switched it her other hand and held it out of his reach.

Spike groaned and hung his head. "C'mon, Buffy... just give it back."

"Tell me what it really is first."

"It's just a... little poem..." he mumbled.

Buffy's face lit up. "A poem? A Spike 'original'?" Spike nodded, keeping his head down. Now she was extra-eager to read it; Spike had been too self-conscious about sharing a poem with her on their first date. "Oh, that's so..." Then she frowned. "Why don't you want me to have it? You put it in the book, so you must've planned on giving it to me."

"Yeah... but now I'm thinkin' I made a mistake."

"Do you think I won't like it?" Buffy asked sympathetically.

"There's that, too..."

"Spike, I'm touched that you wrote something for me... please let me read it?" Buffy pouted.

Spike looked at her and broke into a reluctant smile. "That killer-pout o' yours is still effective... turns me to jelly, it does. The thing is... what I wrote is very... it's about how I..." Spike struggled to express himself.

"Is it about... sex?" Buffy guessed.

"It's about how I feel..." Spike had to pause as he was taken back to sitting in that parlor with Cecily in 1880. His poetry hadn't received a warm reception back then... He pushed those unhappy memories away and said, "It's about how I yearn for you, how much I want you..." He sighed and shook his head. "I shouldn't've given you one like that yet. I won't try takin' it back again, you can read it. Just... don't take it as me pressuring you."

Buffy nodded and opened the envelope. She unfolded the paper and read the poem.

 

_Never Like This_

_I’ve held others before,_  
But it was never like this,  
Where my body inhales you  
And quivers with bliss,  
Where my senses are reeling  
From the strength of desire,  
And if I can’t have you soon,  
I’ll be consumed by the fire. 

 

Buffy was moved that Spike had written this for her. That she could inspire such passion in a man gave her a thrill and made her tingle all over; it made her want him even more than she already did. It did make her feel nervous, too; that insecure part of her whispered again that Spike was going to be disappointed with the reality of sleeping with her when the time came... But she concentrated on the good feelings the poem created in her -- it was touching, flattering, and very _arousing_. 

Spike scratched absently at the label on the wine bottle while Buffy was reading, anxious to hear her verdict. "If it's no good..." He stopped, again reminded of talking to Cecily.

Buffy took a shaky breath and looked back up from the paper at him. "It's beautiful, Spike. I love it."

"You really like it?" he asked timidly, glancing up at her. Spike hated feeling so unsure of himself, but that's how he felt when it came to his poetry. "And you don't feel I'm trying to rush you?"

"'Yes' to the first question, and 'no' to the second," Buffy assured him with a smile.

"You understand that it's just... me expressing how I feel about you, right? I wasn't saying that I won't wait and be patient; I intend to keep my promise about that."

"I do understand," Buffy said as she looked back at the poem. "No one ever wrote something like this for me before... I --" A drop of water landed on the paper. Buffy looked up at the sky. "I think it's starting to rain..."

"What?" Spike squinted up at the sky. "Nah, it's not supposed to --" A raindrop hit Spike in the center of the forehead. "Bugger..."

The rain suddenly started falling in earnest, making Buffy and Spike scramble to gather up everything and scamper inside the crypt. The first thing Buffy did was tuck Spike's poem back into the book, and then stash the book inside her jacket to make sure it didn't get soaked. Luckily, the book was small enough to fit inside an inner pocket of the jacket.

Buffy wasn't bothered by the sudden rainstorm, they'd been just about done with the food and wine anyway. But Spike was bothered at having another of his plans go awry. 

He growled as she shut the door against the storm. "They weren't callin' for rain tonight! The bloody weatherman said it was gonna be 'clear and mild'! A bloody wino off the street could do as well! I've half a mind to go down to that TV station and rip out his --"

"Spike, it's not a big deal, relax. We just got wet." Buffy set the picnic hamper down on top of a sarcophagus. "We won't melt like the Wicked Witch of the West."

"I wanted to dance with you under the stars before the end of the night..." Spike sulked as he tested the boombox to see if it was ruined (it still seemed to work fine). "If it's not demons and vamps or Harris spoilin' our fun, it's idiot weathermen and that right bitch Mother Nature..."

"Oh, don't get all mopey." Buffy walked over and put her arms around him. "We can still dance indoors; technically, we're still under the stars, they're always up there whether we can see them or not."

Spike smiled a bit, he couldn't stay angry when she was smiling at him and had her arms around him. "Nothing gets you down for long, eh? How do you stay so bleedin' positive?" 

Buffy shrugged. "So much crazy, unexpected stuff happens to me all the time, I'm used to rolling with the punches. You should be used to things going wrong by now, too," she teased.

"Yeah, I really should," Spike concurred, chuckling. "Still, it'd be nice if _one_ of our dates went off without a hitch."

"I happen to like the hitches," Buffy joked. "They keep us on our toes."

He wound a lock of her damp hair around his finger. "Got some towels downstairs if you want to dry off."

"Okay. There's more room to dance down there, too." Her insecure side whispered, _'That big bed's down there too... you'd better stay up here... you'll be too tempted if you go down there...'_

* * *

As they hung their jackets up, they couldn't help but stop and ogle each other for a few moments. Everything not covered by their jackets had gotten wet, including the fronts of their shirts. 

Spike went to get them some towels, needing to distract himself from the way Buffy's silk blouse clung to her chest. Her perfect mounds were right there, begging to be touched and... He had to think about something else before that fire he wrote of actually did consume him.

Buffy needed a distraction, too. Spike's white t-shirt was now see-through in the front, which made her pulse speed up and gave her the urge to rip that shirt off his body and rub her hands all over that glorious torso...

Buffy sniffed the towel Spike handed her before she used it to dry her hair. It smelled surprisingly fresh and looked clean. "Where'd you get laundry-fresh towels from? I _cannot_ see you sitting in a laundromat in your underwear and doing a crossword puzzle while waiting for your clothes to dry," Buffy joked as she scrubbed her hair with the towel.

"I don't have 365 black t-shirts and pairs of jeans, y'know? You didn't think I washed my clothes? Wouldn't I've gotten pretty ripe after a while?"

Buffy giggled and shrugged as she kicked off her boots to get more comfortable. "I didn't know. I never noticed you being stinky, but how your clothes got clean was a mystery."

"Mystery solved: Yes, I go to the laundrette once a week or so. You meet interesting people when you go to those places at 3 am..." Spike followed her lead and took off his boots. It was encouraging to see Buffy was able to relax in the lower level of the crypt, she didn't seem tense.

"I'll bet. And I like how you call it," she said with a bad British accent, "the _laundrette_." She giggled again. "That's just too cute."

"By the way," he added with a naughty smirk, "I wouldn't be sittin' in the _laundrette_ in my underwear watin' for my clothes to dry -- 'cos I don't wear any knickers."

Buffy laughed and shook her head. "I should've known. What do you have against underwear?"

Spike half-shrugged. "Too confining." He didn't say that being knicker-less was also convenient for a spur of the moment shag. He hoped Buffy would find out about that benefit... eventually. 

"So you just sit there in the laundromat buck-naked?" It was funny, but also hot, to imagine him casually sitting and reading a newspaper in a public place while totally nude.

"No, I told ya I have other clothes. I do have a few duplicates of my everyday clothes, the black t-shirt and jeans, just not 365 of 'em."

Spike went to the boombox and forwarded the CD until he found a particular song. "Now, I believe Mother Nature denied me a dance with my best girl..." He turned his head to look at her, pursing his lips and smirking.

"Ready when you are," Buffy said, moving to the center of the room.

"I listened to this song the other day... I'd heard it before, but it was like I was hearin' it for the first time. It's 'Count On Me' by Jefferson Starship -- ever heard it?"

Buffy looked up, thinking, then shook her head. "I don't think so."

"It's a brilliant song, and it felt like _I'd_ written it about you, that's how perfectly it fits. I swear, it's like the bloke who wrote it looked inside my head, then went back in time twenty-some odd years to write the song 'fore I could, the plonker."

"Well, now I gotta hear it!" Buffy grinned.

Spike pushed play, then went into Buffy's waiting arms. He held her right hand in his left and placed his right hand at the small of her back. They didn't hesitate to get close this time, pressing their damp chests together as they began swaying to the music. Spike sang along softly near her ear as they danced.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Count On Me - Jefferson Starship ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5Z2y8MuI2EU)

}}

 

_Precious love_  
I give to you   
Blue as the sky   
And deep in the eyes   
Of a love so true 

_Beautiful face_  
You make me feel   
Light on the stairs   
And lost in the air   
Of a love so real 

_You can count on me_  
Count on my love   
Baby, you can count on me  
Count on my love   
To see ya through 

Buffy smiled and snuggled against Spike, moving her left hand around to the back of his neck. She closed her eyes, letting the music wash over her and pretending that Spike had written this for her.

_Emerald eyes_  
And China perfume   
Caught on the wheel   
And lost in the feel   
Of a love so soon 

_Ruby lips_  
You make my song  
Into the night   
And saved by the light  
Of a love so strong 

"This is what you would've written for me -- if the guy didn't go back in time and write it first?" she asked, giving the side of his neck a kiss.

"Mmmhmm, it is." Spike nuzzled her ear. "My love for you knows no bounds, Buffy... and I'll always be here for you. I never want you to doubt or forget that."

_You can count on me_  
Count on my love  
Baby, you can count on me  
Count on my love   
To see you through 

_Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo_  
You can count on me, girl  
Count on me  
Count on my love 

Spike smiled and held her hand up, spinning her around, and then took her back into his arms. Buffy laughed as he spun her, she'd never been spun before. 

Buffy was getting swoony again. She thought of all the wonderful things Spike had done for her, all the sweet things he'd said and the important promises he'd made. She just had to be kissing him right now.

She put her arms around his neck as the song went on, pulling his head down to kiss him tenderly. The kiss started out soft, but quickly progressed to steamy, full-on snogging. Buffy's tongue pushed into his mouth as the heat between them increased. 

Spike's mouth was too busy to croon to her now, but he didn't mind at all. 

_Precious love_  
I give to you  
Blue as the sky   
And deep in the eyes   
Of a love so true 

_Beautiful face_  
You make me feel  
Light on the stairs  
And lost in the air   
Of a love so real 

_And you can count on me_  
Count on my love  
Baby, you can count on me  
(Count on me)  
Count on my love   
Baby, you can count on me 

Spike's tongue wrestled with hers, he wrapped his arms around her, his hands moving in widening circles over her back and ass. The power behind his rubbing and groping increased with the intensity of the kiss. He was getting hopelessly lost in Buffy again. He could feel his cock hardening, helpless to stop the process, and hoping she didn't get upset with him when she noticed his 'condition'.

Buffy did notice. Their bodies were pressed together, so she could easily feel his cock growing against her hip. But 'upset' wasn't the emotion she was experiencing, she was getting critically hot... on the verge of boiling over. His soft lips pressed against hers, taking her passion and multiplying it tenfold before sending it back to her as his tongue wrapped around hers, sparring for control. There was no doubt, the way he kissed really got her motor humming. His kisses were like no other's; Buffy could feel Spike's love, lust and happiness pouring into her through his lips. Kissing him and feeling his strong hands roaming over her body was igniting brilliant, red-hot sparks inside her.

It wasn't fair to get him all excited and leave him hanging every time... and she was feeling especially horny too. A little fooling around never hurt anyone... well, that wasn't true -- but it wouldn't hurt _them_ , Buffy told herself. 

Buffy pulled back, panting a little. "Spike, I think we'd better..."

Spike took a deep breath and prepared to get his libido back under control in a hurry, expecting her to say 'stop'.

Buffy cleared her throat then said, "We'd better... take these wet shirts off before we catch pneumonia." She started slowly unbuttoning her blouse, looking up into his eyes.

Spike stared at her, making sure he'd heard her right. "I can't catch pneu-- Oh... yeah... you're right..." his eyes bounced between her smoky green eyes and her hands as she undid each button, "...pneumonia's a silent killer."

Their eyes locked, interrupted only for a moment when Spike whipped his white t-shirt off over his head. Buffy took off her blouse and let it fall next to where he'd dropped his shirt at their feet. And then their eyes strayed downward as they took in the other's half-nakedness.

Spike licked his lips lightly as he looked Buffy over. She was wearing a sexy little black lace bra, the tops of her lovely breasts nearly overflowing from the cups. He wanted to immediately plaster his mouth and hands over her firm tits and give them a good seein' to... but he had to wait for Buffy to make the next move and show him just how far she wanted to go with Show & Tell. His body felt as if it were vibrating like a tuning fork in anticipation. 

Buffy laid her hands on his pecs. Spike closed his eyes, gasping quietly and shuddering at her touch; he couldn't help how profoundly she affected him. Buffy was smiling sweetly at him when his eyes opened again. She could see and feel how much pleasure he got from just a simple touch, and that emboldened her to keep going.

Buffy watched her hands progress as she dragged them down his body. She savored the feel of his skin, his hard nipples grazing her palms, his muscles twitching with joy as her hands passed over them, and the little gasps of pleasure Spike emitted. She started the journey again from his waist, splaying her hands to touch as much of him as possible, and slid her hands back up to his shoulders. 

Spike was a beautiful, sexy man, there was no doubt about it. His torso was a perfect display of heavenly pecs and abs, and his smooth, alabaster skin put her in mind of those ancient statues of Greek gods. He was beautiful, sexy as hell, perfect, and he was _hers_.

Buffy tore her gaze away from his body and looked up into his eyes... those beautiful, intense (and yes, _soulful_ ) eyes... a mesmerizing shade of blue that could shine with love and delight, or could turn dark and brooding, or blaze with desire in an instant. Spike’s eyes may not be the windows to his soul... but they were definitely the windows to his heart -- every emotion he felt could be read in them if you simply took the time to see.

"Maybe we can... start finding out what makes each other feel good," Buffy said breathily, putting her right hand on one sharp cheekbone, then trailing her fingers down the side of Spike's face and across his mouth.

Spike dragged his lips against her fingers, gently nibbling and flicking his tongue at them as they passed over his lips. "Yeah, it's never too early to start learning that..." He looked back into her eyes and grasped her upper arms in a firm, passionate grip. "I want to learn it all, Buffy... what makes you quiver, what makes you moan, what makes you scream..." he said roughly, his eyes smoldering.

"L-let's start with the quivering and moaning... and work on the screaming another time," she replied shakily. It was hard to form thoughts when he was looking at her like this and his voice was all growly and ultra-sexy.

Spike smiled understandingly and kissed the corner of her mouth, his grasp on her arms loosening. "Anything you want, pet. I'll happily receive as much, or as little, as you feel ready to give." 

"I figure... we can take our shirts off without it leading to sex -- even teenagers do that much."

"Teenagers do _lots_ more than that these days, luv. It's a good job that thing about vamps needing the blood of a virgin is a myth -- we'd all starve to death."

Buffy giggled (it felt good to laugh and release some of her nervous tension), then took his hand and backed up until she got to the bed. "We can control ourselves and not get carried away... even if we're fooling around on the bed. Right?"

Spike nodded his head avidly in agreement. "Yeah, 'course we can. We're not..." his eyes drifted down to her chest, he growled lustily, "... animals."

Buffy sat on the bed and scooted up to the middle, then crooked her finger at Spike, trying to appear much more confident than she felt. He grinned and jumped on the bed on his knees, making Buffy giggle again and bounce. 

Spike crawled up to her, holding himself above her with his hands. He looked her over again, saying with a lascivious smile, "I could watch you bouncin' around all day, kitten. You jiggle in a most alluring way..." The next moment he looked more shy (how he could change gears so quickly, Buffy didn't know) and said, "I'm... dyin' to touch you... would that be okay?"

Buffy smiled, running her hands up his muscular arms. "I'm dyin' for you to touch me, too."

Spike lowered himself down on top of her, capturing her lips in another steamy kiss while his hands got busy doing what they'd been itching to do. He didn't want to go too fast or be too rough in spite of his need for her. His hands slid up her ribcage to surround her breasts, he began gently kneading them, making a moan escape Buffy's throat.

Spike bent his head to kiss her chest and mouth her tits through the bra.

"Take it off," Buffy whispered after a moment, needing to feel him on her bare skin.

Spike looked up at her, eyebrow raised questioningly.

Buffy nodded. "Take it off," she repeated.

The front clasp of her bra seemed to explode at merely the touch of Spike's fingers, it was only a second before he was pushing the cups aside. "So beautiful..." he murmured, wanting to both just stand back to admire her nakedness and kiss and touch her. Kissing and touching won out, of course. He'd known she had great tits, but seeing them uncovered and heaving with lusty breaths was an awesome sight.

Buffy shrugged the straps down her arms and raised up a little to take it off. She tossed the bra over the side of the bed and settled back against the mattress. 

Spike smiled softly at her as he moved her charm necklace off to the side. Buffy smiled back at him, feeling nervous, but wanting, _needing_ , to be close to Spike like this. 

Spike used a feather light touch as he traced her contours with his fingertips, the softness of her skin made him shiver with delight. Her dusky-pink nubs were pointing skyward and longing for his touch. He pressed his hand to her chest, dragging it over her and starting to fondle her good 'n proper. Her nipples hardened further, becoming stiff peaks under his hands.

A strained groan came from Buffy as his hand brushed over her sensitive nipples. She'd wanted this so bad for what seemed like so long; she ached all over, ached for his touch, his body, his kiss.

Spike bent his head to place soft kisses to her newly exposed flesh, starting at her breastbone, and then to her fleshy mounds. He brushed his cheek against a hard nipple before turning his face to attend to it with his mouth. 

Buffy sighed with pleasure when his tongue came out and circled the areola. 

Spike's eyes closed in bliss at the taste of her salty skin. He flicked his tongue over her nipple before gently sucking it into his mouth.

Moisture seeped onto Buffy's panties each time his lips pulled on her tit. Buffy ran her hands up his arms, whispering, "Yes..." She moaned louder at feeling his tongue rolling over and flicking at her while he sucked. She arched her back, pushing her chest harder against his mouth. "Ohh God, Spike... that feels so good."

Spike switched to her other breast, bathing it with his tongue and giving it the same attention as the other, while his hand massaged and tweaked the one he'd just abandoned. Buffy moved her hand to the back of his head, holding him tighter to her and winding her fingers through his damp curls.

After a minute, Buffy tugged him back up to her mouth, needing to kiss him again... needing to feel that passion flowing between them again, building higher and higher with each passing moment. Their tongues swept and rolled together as their hands explored each other's naked flesh with light touches -- cool on hot, alabaster on golden, hard on soft. 

Spike's hand traveled over her hip and onto her thigh. Then his hand moved upward, lightly rubbing her pussy through her jeans. Even through a layer of denim and her undies, the contact made Buffy gasp into his mouth and her hips twitch. She moaned, shoving her tongue deep into his mouth with more vigor, and started to gently move her hips against his hand.

Buffy always felt a fire burning within her when they kissed like this. But now, with his naked upper body against her and his hand touching her sex, that fire was burning hotter and brighter, she could feel it spreading throughout her body, consuming her, making her burn for Spike like never before. 

Spike went back to licking and sucking at her breasts while his hand slowly rubbed her through her pants. Buffy tilted her head back and closed her eyes, her breath caught in her throat. She put her leg over top of his, opening her legs a bit more and pushed her mound against his hand.

"Ohhh God, Spike..." Buffy moaned, breathing harder.

Spike kissed in between her breasts, looking up at her face. "Want me to stop, pet?" he asked, lightly brushing his hand over her sex.

Buffy shook her head no, she didn't want to stop. It felt so good, but it would feel even better without the pesky pants in the way. To have Spike's fingers touching her bare flesh... just the thought of it made her moan again. _'You're making a mistake! He's gonna find out the truth, then you'll be sorry!'_ the negative voice in her head warned. But Buffy chose to ignore the voice.

Spike stopped when she pushed his hand away from her crotch. He looked at her questioningly, nervously. Had he taken it too far? 

Buffy unbuttoned her jeans and pushed them down to her knees. Spike's eyes widened when he saw what she was doing. After a moment, his eyes hooded with desire and his mouth hung open a bit, his tongue curled up to press against the roof of his mouth. Just when he thought she was going to end it, she did something else that reignited and fanned the fire inside of him.

Spike helped Buffy off with her jeans the rest of the way, putting them aside at the end of the bed. He laid a hand on her ankle, then stroked upwards. His hand and eyes blazed a trail from her toes, up her shapely calves, her smooth, creamy thighs to her black lace thong. 

"Touch me..." Buffy whispered huskily.

Spike looked into her eyes. "You're... sure?" he asked, his voice deep and uneven. 

Buffy nodded, holding her arms out, inviting him back into her embrace.

This was a moment that, at one time, he never thought he'd get to experience in real-life -- Buffy laid out before him, dressed in nothing but a thong, beckoning him to touch her, to lay with her... The smell of her arousal was heavy, he could hear her heartbeat quickening. She wanted him, he could feel it, he could smell it...

The vibrations in Spike's body got stronger, his brain and vision were hazy with lust. But a small part of his mind that could still think reminded him to go easy and gently with his girl. This was making love, not fucking. Spike was finally getting the chance to show Buffy how much he loved and adored her -- so pouncing on her like a randy jungle cat was definitely not the way to go.

Spike gladly went back into Buffy's arms, letting her pull him down to her. They latched onto each other's lips, kissing harder and deeper. Spike's hand brushed over her breasts before sliding down her stomach, stopping at the thong. His fingers played along the band, teasing her until she wriggled and groaned, then slipped down inside.

Buffy panted and moaned passionately as his fingers tickled her wet slit, she parted her thighs to open herself up to him. 

Spike moaned along with her as his fingers slid between her wet, puffy pussylips. She was so hot and so very wet, her labia seemed to pull his fingers inside. His mouth watered as he imagined burying his tongue in her hot quim and lapping up some of that sweet Buffy-juice -- but he'd wait to see if that's what she wanted. In the meantime, his hand could have some more fun. He slid two fingers along her dewy folds, not trying to penetrate her, just rubbing back and forth. Again, he'd let Buffy tell him if she wanted any part of him inside her. His thumb easily found her hard clit and rubbed little circles around it. 

"Ohhh fuck, yes..." Buffy moaned loudly, grinding on his hand. "Mmmm, Spike..." Her moan was muffled when Spike covered her mouth with his, kissing her slowly but deeply. Spike's thumb flicked over her clit, and that was all Buffy needed to get off. She shivered and let out a high-pitched wail into his mouth as her orgasm raced through her body. She clutched at his shoulders and kissed him passionately as she came on his hand.

Buffy panted for air when Spike's mouth moved back to her chest. She'd never cum so hard so quickly before, it usually took a while for her to build up to a good one like that. "Ohh God... Ohh wow..." 

Spike was beaming, feeling like the luckiest man in the world. _'I made Buffy cum -- and bloody quick, too! Atta boy, Spike! Now keep at it until she tells you to stop or you scramble her brains from givin' her too many happys.'_

"Good, pet?" Spike asked as her shuddering subsided, then rolled his tongue over her nipple. His fingers were still moving slowly on her pussy, it drove him wild to feel the additional heat and wetness, and to smell the heightened aroma of her musk due to her orgasm. He wanted so badly to stick his tongue or dick into that slick heat -- either scenario would be bloody glorious.

"Good... Ohhh so amazingly good," Buffy moaned, getting her breath back.

Spike removed his hand from her panties, making Buffy look sharply at him. She didn't want him to stop. He grinned and brought his wet hand to his mouth, waving his fingers slowly under his nose and inhaling. His eyes rolled back to white for a moment, he growled sensually, then slipped his fingers into his mouth. He alternated between emitting lustful growls and moaning at her exquisite flavor.

Buffy never saw a guy do that (in pornos maybe, but not in her personal experience), and she found it extremely erotic. New tingles shot through her body at seeing how much Spike enjoyed the way she tasted. 

Spike's eyes focused on hers again, he slowly withdrew his fingers from his mouth and smiled, his tongue came out to sweep across his upper lip. "Bloody hell, I knew you'd be delicious, pet... but nothing prepared me for the real thing... Nectar of the gods."

Spike slid his hand down her chest and stomach and back into her panties. "Let's see we can make some more of that tasty stuff. I'm feelin' mighty peckish." He grinned, curling his tongue up over his lip, before dropping down to sup on her lips again.

Buffy felt Spike's swollen prick against her leg, still trapped in his jeans. She wanted to touch him and make him feel good too. She wanted to take his hard cock in her hand and feel how much she excited him, how much he wanted her. Her hand traveled over his solid chest, stopping to play with a nipple, before moving down to his belt buckle. She hesitated for a moment, knowing there might be no turning back if they went any further -- once the penis makes its appearance, sex is almost guaranteed to occur. She still wanted that 'perfect' first time she'd been planning for... but this just felt soooo good. 

_'Stop now, you fool!'_ the voice in her head whispered urgently. Buffy ignored it, keen on doing what her lust-filled body and mind wanted.

Spike gasped, then let out a long, low groan into her mouth when Buffy's hand moved down onto his groin. Buffy sought out the stiff column of his cock and rubbed her palm back and forth over it. His poor, imprisoned dick was straining at his zipper and begging for release.

Buffy stroked her hand up and down along the shape of his member. It felt huge, her fingertips seemed to be searching for the end of it forever, and it was so hard. She found the tip of his cock and rubbed her fingertip over it, feeling a wet spot forming from his pre-cum. Then she gave the head a little pinch.

"Bloody hell, Buffy!" Spike exclaimed with a gasp, his body jerking. He pressed his swelling crotch against the palm of her hand. "Gonna make me jizz in my pants like a schoolboy, pet..." He lifted his head and chuckled as he nipped at her lips, "That'd be embarrassin'." Spike tried to laugh it off, but that _was_ a real concern at the moment.

Buffy licked her lips. "We wouldn't want that..." she said, walking her fingers over his crotch until she got to the zipper, and then slowly pulling it down. 

Spike swallowed hard and held his breath (he forgot he didn't need to breathe at times like these), staring into her eyes as Buffy lowered his zipper. Her eyes were darkened with arousal, with a gleam of mischievousness. Was she actually going to touch him? Pump him in her hand... maybe take him in her mouth? He commanded himself, _'Do NOT cum the second she touches your dick, wanker!'_

"We'd better let it out so your pants don't get... mussed," Buffy breathed as she reached inside and touched his twitching hard-on. 

Spike tried not to move when she touched him, afraid he'd wake up from this beautiful dream if he moved a muscle. But he couldn't stop the gasp of pure pleasure that rushed out of him or the shudders that went through his body when Buffy's hand made first contact with his manhood. 

Buffy smiled at her effect on him, and nudged his cock toward the fly. All it needed was a little guidance to spring out and up like a striking cobra.

Buffy slowly stroked his hard length, looking down to watch. "Wow..." she muttered, her eyes rounding a bit. "Nice," was all she could manage to say. Her hand looked small wrapped around his big, rock-hard cock.

A proud smile spread over Spike's face. _'Yes! Buffy likes my dick!'_ he exclaimed joyfully in his mind. He finally convinced himself he wouldn't wake up, and that this was really happening. "It's all for you, pet," he said, kissing her neck and beginning to move his fingers between her legs again. "See how bloody hard you make me?" he murmured, growling a little against her skin.

"Uh-huh. You could put somebody's eye out with this thing," she joked anxiously. Buffy undid his belt and unbuttoned his jeans, pushing them down over his ass. She lingered for a few moments at his butt, taking two handfuls and squeezing -- it felt just as good in her hands as she thought it would. She kept one hand on his ass, rubbing and squeezing, and moved her right hand back around to the front to give his angry cock some more attention. 

As her hand caressed his prick, Buffy silently remarked, _'Damn, that sure is a big 'un!'_ Was it eight inches? Maybe nine? (Spike could've confidently told her 9½ if she'd asked.) Buffy wasn't used to handling so much cock. She'd never thought size mattered to her -- it wasn't how big a man's penis was, but how he used it... right? -- but she was getting more excited at the prospect of Spike fucking her with his long, thick rod. He had a larger than average dick, and she had no doubt that Spike knew how to _use it_ , too. How would it feel to be impaled by one so big? She got squishier in the panties just thinking about it.

Spike was reluctant to, but he had to extract his fingers from Buffy's juicy snatch and have her take her hand off his cock to finish taking off his jeans. But he did it at lightning speed, tossing his pants over his shoulder and diving back down to kiss her and plant his hand between her legs again.

Buffy quickly reached down and wrapped her fingers around his thick shaft again. It was like a steel pipe swathed in satin. She could feel it twitch and throb in her hand, which made her fleetingly wonder how vampires could get an erection with no circulation... Well, right now she was just grateful that they _could_ get hard-ons, whatever the mystical reason happened to be. 

Buffy's fingertips traveled over Spike's naughty bits, exploring. His skin was so soft and smooth, she guessed that he had to shave his equipment for it to be so satiny smooth. It was hot to think of him maintaining his area as meticulously as women tended to do with theirs; that he wanted everything to look its best for her was sweet and thoughtful in a very dirty way. 

"Dream come true," Spike whispered between kisses. "'Thought 'bout this so many times... love you so much..." Spike's lips locked with hers in a passionate kiss, he kissed her with growing need and desire as they stroked and fingered each other with abandon.

The negative voice in Buffy's head was getting louder, more insistent and distracting. _'Stop or he's going to find out how bad you really are! Then he'll hurt you and run away just like the others!'_ Buffy once again tried to dismiss it. Then the voice decided it needed to be more forceful to convince her, conjuring up some painful memories to remind Buffy of her inadequacies and fears.

A painful scene from the past replayed in her mind...

_Angel shook his head. "You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although, I guess you proved that last night..." He winced._

_Buffy frowned, not believing what she was hearing. "What are you saying?"_

_"Let's not make an issue out of it, okay?" He casually went to get his coat, and pulled it on as he talked. "In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened."_

_Tears welled in her eyes, it felt like her heart was being ripped out. "I... I don't understand. Was it m-me?" Buffy asked meekly. "Was I not... good?"_

_Angel laughed. "You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro," he said snidely._

 

Buffy thought, _'No... that wasn't Angel. That was Angelus and he was only trying to hurt me by saying those things! That isn't how *Angel* felt!'_ But it didn't matter that she later found out it was _Angelus_ and not Angel who'd said those things to her. She would never forget how devastated and small she felt when the man she loved, the man she'd just given her virginity to, cast her aside and rejected her so coldly. And she felt it all again now, as if it had just happened.

_'If you let yourself love Spike, it will happen again... only it will hurt worse this time,'_ the voice told her.

Buffy did her best to stay in the moment and concentrate only on the incredible sensations Spike was creating in her body, how much pleasure he was giving her, and how much she wanted him. But that voice inside her head wouldn't be ignored so easily anymore. 

Another scene played in her mind, the talk with Parker after their first and only time. The talk when he'd told her they were just "having fun". And then she saw the fight with Spike... and the nasty things he'd said... 

 

_"So, you let Parker take a poke, eh? Didn't seem like you know each other that well. What did it take to pry apart the Slayer's dimpled knees?"_

_"You're a pig, Spike," Buffy spat._

_"Did he play the sensitive lad and get *you* to seduce him? That's a good trick if the girl's thick enough to buy it."_

_Buffy flew up and delivered a roundhouse, however, Spike followed it with an equally vicious hit that sent her flying forward._

_"I wonder what went wrong," Spike mused, obviously enjoying this. "Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy?" He sneered. "Whatever. I guess you're not worth a second go. Come to think of it... seems like someone told me that. Who was it? Oh, yeah. Angel."_

 

Buffy shook her head against the bad memories racing through her mind. _'No, that's not fair! Spike's not the same person who said that shit! Things couldn't be more different between us now!'_

The voice countered, _'Doesn't matter, he still said it. Angel and Parker agreed -- you're not worth a second go. At least Riley hung in there for a while. But then, he got tired of sleeping with a cold fish and left too, didn't he?'_

Buffy was finding it harder to breathe, she couldn't stop the painful emotional bombardment her own mind was torturing her with. 

Spike thought her gasps were of pleasure, and that her increased heart rate was only because of sexual excitement. He didn't know anything was wrong. He was having the time of his life, being with Buffy like this was literally a dream come true.

Buffy's mental assault continued with seeing Riley in that vampire brothel getting a suck-job from a whore.

The voice said, _'If you weren't enough to satisfy two regular human men like Parker and Riley, you will *never* be able to satisfy Spike. You'll be catching Spike at whorehouses too, soon enough. Could you really deal with that?'_ Buffy saw the image of Riley getting sucked again -- but then the picture changed and it was Spike getting sucked. _'He's very sexual, he craves good sex as much as he craves blood. He'll have to find his pleasure *somewhere* when you can't deliver...'_

Buffy squeezed her eyes shut, internally screaming at her evil inner-voice, _'Go away! Leave me alone! I'm moving on! Spike loves me and I want him!'_

The voice responded, _'Spike will move on once he's sampled what little you have to offer ... just like the others. You won't hold his interest for long once he knows the truth...'_

Buffy kissed Spike and stroked his cock more vigorously, desperate to show that voice in her head that she wasn't going to listen to it, she wasn't going to let it stop her from doing what she really wanted.

The voice said, _'I think you're forgetting this...'_ Yet another scene ran in her mind, this one took place right after Riley left her. Spike had just jumped in and staked a vampire she'd been fighting, a kill that Buffy had wanted for herself. And, of course, she'd been rude and ungrateful toward him...

 

_"I didn't need you. I never need you, Spike."_

_"Oh, I get it," Spike followed her through the cemetery. "You just don't like who did the rescuin', that's all. Wishin' I was your boyfriend what's-his-face. Oh wait, he's run off."_

_Buffy rolled her eyes. "You know what? I don't need a boyfriend, to rescue me or for any other reason."_

_Spike raised his eyebrows. "Don't need or can't keep?"_

_Buffy stopped walking and glared at him._

_"You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?"_

_"You're disgusting," Buffy grumbled, deeply annoyed._

_"Oh, rough talk," Spike said as they resumed walking. "Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much. Or maybe... your beauty's fading."_

_They stopped again. Buffy couldn't believe he had the nerve to say these sickening things to her. Did he have a death wish?_

_Spike continued, "The stress of slaying, aging you prematurely. Things not as high, not as firm." He grinned and made a gesture with his hand as if trying to hold up sagging breasts._

_"You know what, Spike? The more I get to know you, the more I wish I didn't," Buffy coldly told him._

_"Or maybe you just don't hold their interest," he said simply, then walked off._

_Buffy just stood there and stared after him as he walked away briskly. That last one had really stung...._

 

The slideshow of voices and images started going faster and faster in her mind, like an out of control train picking up speed as it rolled down the tracks, barreling headlong towards disaster. The voices from the past were so loud they blocked out all outside sounds. She could only see the scenes and pictures playing in her mind. She couldn't feel any of the wonderful things Spike was doing to her body, she only felt heartache and soul-wrenching pain.

_I guess you're not worth a second go -- You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they? -- You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro -- He's had a century of practice -- Maybe that's your problem, maybe you push 'em away. Or is it the other? Maybe you cling too much -- Or maybe you just don't hold their interest_

"God, I want you, Buffy," Spike groaned against her neck as he settled his hips between her thighs. He thrust his cock back and forth slowly against her pussy. She still had the protective barrier of her panties to block his entrance, and he wouldn't take it further unless she told him to. 

Buffy gasped again, feeling like she was suffocating, drowning. "N-no, stop," she whispered weakly, barely making a sound. Then she said louder, "Spike... wait..."

“Hmm, wait?” Spike moaned as he trailed his lips down her golden skin. His brain wasn’t capable of understanding what she was trying to tell him at that moment. 

“Wait... s-stop...” Buffy repeated, as panic rose like bile in her throat and threatened to overwhelm her. 

“What?” Spike questioned, his voice husky with desire as he looked up into her eyes. His brow furrowed when he saw Buffy's eyes were flooded with tears and sheer panic. "Luv? What's --"

"I c-can't breathe!" Buffy gasped for breath and pushed frantically at his shoulders. "Stop... I... I can’t... I... I’m sorry,” she stammered as she squirmed to get out from under his body. 

Spike's brow creased further in confusion and concern as he quickly slid off her. “What’s the matter, Buffy? What’s wrong?” 

“I’m sorry... I just... can’t... I’m sorry!” was all Buffy could say as she jumped up off the bed and began gathering her clothes up, hurriedly pulling them back on. 

Spike was too stunned to move or say anything for several moments, he just sat there on the bed and watched her hastily picking up her clothes and getting dressed.

“Buffy...? What happened? Did I... Did I _hurt_ you?" Spike questioned, getting off the bed. Had he overestimated how strong she was and gotten too rough with her? He'd bloody well dust himself if he'd hurt her.

Buffy could barely hear him, his voice sounded muffled. All she could hear were the echoes of the past and her own heartbeat thundering in her ears, all she could see were the faces of the men that had left her... of the men that knew the truth of her. She was hyperventilating as she pulled her clothes on and ran towards the ladder, trying to escape the ghosts that haunted her. 

"Buffy? What the bloody hell is going on? Talk to me!" Spike demanded, growing more alarmed by the second, and going after her. 

She spun around when she reached the bottom of the ladder and held her hand up in a 'halt' gesture. “Please don’t! Just... please... I’m sorry!” Buffy spluttered as tears ran from her eyes. She climbed up and out of the lower level of the crypt as quickly as she could. 

“Buffy! Wait! What’s wrong?!” Spike continued to question as he pulled on his jeans fast. He hurried up the ladder after her. 

Buffy was just pulling her boots on when he got to the upper level, tears streaming down her face. “Spike -- please... please just leave me alone. I’m so sorry... please don’t...” she begged.

"Buffy, pet, please tell me what's wrong! What happened? Are you ill?" He reached out and started moving toward her.

Buffy sobbed and shook her head from side to side, backing away from him. "Please I can't! I h-have to go! I'm sorry!" 

Before Spike could get to her, she turned and ran out the door and into the stormy night, completely mortified that she couldn’t get the ghosts out of her mind... ghosts of Riley and Angel... ghosts of rejection and humiliation. She suddenly didn’t think she could take one more rejection. What if Spike mocked her... like Angel did? What if she didn’t satisfy him and he left her bed for someone that could... like Riley did? The evil voice in her head was right... Could her heart really stand that again? How many times could you be knocked down before you just can’t get up anymore? Could she really take that risk? Right now, her heart was screaming ‘NO! RUN!’... and she did. 

Spike ran to the open door and saw Buffy fleeing at an impressive rate of speed -- she was already becoming nothing but a dot on the horizon. Whatever was wrong, it didn't seem like she was sick -- sick people didn't run that bloody fast. That meant the reason she appeared to be scared out of her mind was because of him and what they were doing...

"Buffy! Tell me what's wrong! Come back!" Spike yelled, running out into the rain after her. But she didn't turn around or even slow down, and then she turned a corner and was gone. Spike slowed to a stop when he realized that he couldn't catch up to her. He shouldn't try catching her, she wanted to get away... from him.

Spike blinked rain from his eyes and muttered softly, "Please... tell me what I did wrong..."

Spike stood in the middle of the cemetery getting pelted by the hard rain and looking at the spot where he'd last seen her. He flashed back to that horrible moment when she'd seen the shrine and she'd fled the crypt in tears... Spike naively thought that nothing that happened between them could be worse than that painful moment... but this was worse. He turned around and walked numbly back home.

Spike leaned his forehead against the door and closed his eyes for a minute, his jaw ticcing with emotion. He wandered back through the door and closed it absently behind him; he felt shell-shocked, completely disoriented and confused. 

He ran a hand roughly back through his drenched hair. "What the _bloody hell_ just happened?!" Spike shouted to the empty room, his booming voice echoing off the stone walls.

Tears stung his eyes as Buffy's panic-stricken face appeared in his mind, it was an awful lot like the look she'd had after she saw the shrine... scared and desperate to get away from a psycho, a monster.

"It was the sex... the foreplay... I rushed her, she wasn't ready for it..." he mumbled, starting to pace back and forth in agitation and shaking his head. The poem surely didn't help either, it was a bad idea -- he should've taken that envelope away from her and torn it to pieces before she could read it. "I pushed 'er... I pressured Buffy too much before she was ready to... Stupid! You stupid, hopeless bloody idiot! You ruined it! You just couldn't keep it in your bloody pants, could you? You fucking ruined it!" Spike screamed, berating himself. "You promised her you'd wait!" With a roar, he picked up a sarcophagus lid and hurled it across the room where it hit the opposite wall and broke in two. 

Then he had a moment where he could think rationally about what just happened with Buffy. Spike remembered it was Buffy, not him, who'd suggested moving to the bed... And wasn't she the one to recommend they take their clothes off, and it was her who unzipped his jeans and... But maybe he was remembering it wrong...? Maybe he'd been so lost to passion and out of control that he was remembering it the way he wanted to... or maybe he didn't pick up on her signals, maybe he didn't hear her when she told him 'No' the first time... How long had she been saying 'No'?

Or maybe Buffy thought she could go through with it, but then remembered who it was she was with -- William the Bloody, a heartless, soulless, cold-blooded killer... She didn't trust him or care deeply enough to be that vulnerable with him, to give all of herself to him. Of course she didn't love him... how could she... how could she love a monster?

Spike didn't know for sure what it was he'd done wrong... but he'd obviously done something _very_ wrong. Somehow he'd hurt Buffy again without even trying; why couldn't he stop hurting her? Was the demon in him driving him to hurt her the only way he could, without him even realizing it? All he wanted to do was show her how much he loved her... 

He closed his eyes and whispered, "I'm sorry, Buffy."

Tears ran down his face, he took a breath and clenched his jaw, trying to keep from completely falling apart. He did what he always did when he felt gut-wrenching pain and sadness -- he got violent. Spike looked like the Tasmanian Devil from the cartoons as he flew around the crypt hitting and kicking the walls until his knuckles were bloodied and he'd shouted himself hoarse.

When he had nothing left, he leaned against a wall and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Spike tilted his head back, looking up at the ceiling as tears welled in his eyes again. Was there anything he could do to fix this? Maybe he shouldn't even try... Buffy deserved so much better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The poem, 'Never Like This' is by Karl Fuchs (and not Spike lol). You can find lots of lovely poems at www.poemsource.com :)
> 
> *Additional dialogue from 'Something Blue' written by Tracey Forbes; 'The Harsh Light of Day' written by Jane Espenson; 'Innocence' written by Joss Whedon; and 'Checkpoint' written by Jane Espenson & Doug Petrie
> 
> * 'Count on Me' lyrics by Jesse Barish


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst alert! Buffy tries to cope in the aftermath of her emotional breakdown.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for yet another long delay! Thanks to everyone for being so patient :)
> 
> Banners by xoChantelly and Edgehead

 

It was late, but Tara was still up and listening to some music while going over a chapter for her Psychology class tomorrow. Willow was out on a late night tutoring session with a friend of theirs who was frantic she wasn't going to pass an English Lit. test in the morning. That had cut into Tara and Willow's romance time (Tara wanted to try inventing the game that combined sex and Scrabble), but they could always try again tomorrow night.

Tara looked up from her book and frowned when there was a knock at the door. It was after midnight, an unusual time for a visitor. 

"Who could that be?" she muttered to herself as she got up from her desk. She put her hand on the doorknob, but then hesitated -- this was Sunnydale, after all, you never knew who or _what_ could be knocking. "Um... who's there?" Tara asked uneasily through the door.

"It's Buffy."

Tara blinked in surprise, this couldn't be a social call, not so late at night. That meant something bad had happened... maybe something was wrong with Dawn or Joyce. She quickly opened the door and gasped a little at Buffy's appearance. The Slayer looked terrible -- she was positively soaked to the skin from the rainstorm, her hair was plastered to her head, her face was pale and drawn, and she had a haunted look in her red, puffy eyes.

"Buffy... are y-you okay? What's wrong?"

"I didn't know where else to go..." Buffy said despondently. "I didn't want to go home. Can I come in?" 

"Yeah, of course. Please..." Tara stepped back and let Buffy enter.

Buffy came in, but stopped after a few steps, looking down at her feet. "Oh, no... I'm dripping all over the carpet... I'm sorry." Her voice sounded so strained, like she was liable to start weeping at any moment. 

"Th-that's okay, Buffy, don't worry about it," Tara assured her. "Let me get you a towel, you're drenched!" She hurried back with a towel and handed it to Buffy.

Buffy dried her face and hair. Then she took off her jacket, pouting as she hung it up. "I just _had_ to wear the suede one tonight... it's ruined." Her chin wobbled and tears shone in her eyes. "Ruined... just like everything else I touch."

"Oh... it'll be okay. You can get a new jacket. Willow and I can get you a great new jacket, maybe as an extra, late birthday present." Tara patted her on the shoulder. "Buffy... why are you so upset? Is it what happened with Xander tonight?"

"That was just the start... I think... I think I'm possessed or something, Tara." Buffy looked at her, sad and afraid, tears brimming in her eyes. "You have to do a spell, do _something_ to make it go away... please just make it go away..." she pleaded.

Tara's eyes widened. "P-possessed? What makes you think that?"

"There was a voice in my head... talking to me, saying terrible things, making me see terrible things. It wouldn't stop."

"Is it... talking to you now?" Tara gulped at the thought of being alone with a possibly demonically possessed Slayer.

Buffy tilted her head, listening, then shook her head no. 

"Well... that's good. M-maybe it went away? Look, why don't you get into some dry clothes and try to relax? We'll get you warmed up and then we can figure out what's going on. Okay?"

Buffy nodded mutely, then looked around the room. "Willow's out this late?"

"Yeah, she's tutoring our friend Melissa for a test tomorrow. She'll probably be gone most of the night. You want me to call her? I'm sure she --"

Buffy shook her head. "No... that's okay. I wouldn't want to be responsible for your friend failing her test. Willow's always been the go-to gal for emergency studying... Only call her when you find out for sure that I'm possessed by an evil spirit."

Tara's brow furrowed in worry. "L-let me get you those dry clothes," Tara murmured softly, going to her bureau.

Tara and Buffy weren't the same size, but she had a pair of gray sweats and a matching top that she thought would fit the petite, blonde Slayer pretty well. As Buffy changed into the clothes, Tara silently speculated about what might be wrong, assuming it _wasn't_ demonic possession. She wasn't getting a 'possessed' vibe from Buffy, thank goodness. Did something happen to Spike? Maybe he was killed... That might account for Buffy's frame of mind. Or maybe the Slayer and vampire had had a huge fight after they left the shop and broke up. 

Buffy sat in the big wicker chair by the window, taking one of the throw pillows and hugging it to her chest as she brought her legs up, sitting in a fetal position. 

Tara got her a glass of water from the sink, then sat on the floor next to the chair. Having a natural talent for seeing auras, she concentrated on Buffy. There were dark hues and signs of extreme emotional distress, but nothing that indicated an entity had invaded Buffy's body. 

"Your aura doesn't show any... presence other than your own," Tara told her. "I don't think it's p-possession."

"I'm... _not_ possessed?" The frown that had been on Buffy's face since Tara had opened the door deepened. "That can't be right. Are you sure?"

"I could do a demon or spirit detection spell -- I'd rather wait for Willow to try that..." If an evil spirit or demon _did_ appear, Tara wasn't prepared to deal with something like that by herself. "But, no, I don't think you're possessed." Tara wondered why that didn't seem to make Buffy any more relieved. "That's good news... isn't it?"

"Yeah... great," Buffy droned. "That means it's just me... and I've lost my fucking mind." Buffy closed her eyes, bowing her head. But her head shot back up a few moments later. She sniffled and more tears appeared in her eyes.

"What's wrong?" 

"The song..." The stereo was still on from when Tara had been studying, the song that just started caught Buffy's fragmented attention.

"It's 'Count On Me' by Jefferson Starship, one of my mom's favorite bands of all-time. Have you heard it before?" Tara hadn't turned off the stereo when Buffy came in, and until Buffy pointed it out she hadn't realized music was still playing. She'd been too focused on Buffy and finding out was what was wrong.

"God, what are the odds?" Buffy groaned. "I'd never heard this song before tonight... We, Spike and me, we danced to it tonight. Spike said... he could've written it for me... but the guy went back in time first..." Buffy rested her forehead on her knees, touching her charm necklace and quietly shedding a few more tears. Buffy could see the emotion in Spike's eyes when he told her that... see the love in them -- then her vision morphed into a confused and hurt Spike... God, what had she done?

Tara wasn't sure what that last part meant, but didn't press for an answer. "I'll-I'll turn it off." Tara started to stand up.

"No!" Buffy said vehemently. Then much more softly, she mumbled, "...Don't turn it off... I want to hear it. So pretty..."

"Tell me what happened tonight, Buffy." Tara gave her a gentle nudge.

Buffy relayed the story to Tara, having to take several breaks to sip at water and also wipe away tears. Buffy told her about how she and Spike talked and were okay once they got to the cemetery, how they'd slain some vamps on patrol, about the picnic and the poetry book. 

When she got to the part where Spike gave her the book, Buffy startled Tara by jumping up from the chair and sprinting to where her jacket was hanging. Buffy searched the pockets of her jacket, bringing out the CD Willow had made for her, and the poetry book. The book had gotten a little wet, which made Buffy sob again, but she was slightly relieved when she found that the envelope inside was still dry.

After Buffy went back to the chair and curled up again, she read the poem for Tara, who said she thought it was lovely as well as very sexy.

Buffy continued the story where she'd left off, at the sudden downpour that had forced her and Spike indoors. And then Buffy got to the dancing and making out portion of the evening.

"Spike started the CD and we danced... it was so romantic... We started kissing... and it got hotter and heavier by the minute. You know that 'special' night I was planning with Spike, when I felt everything was perfect?"

Tara nodded; she and Willow had helped Buffy buy a thing or two for that special night.

"Tonight was pretty close to perfect -- except for the thing with Xander. But the parts where it was just me and Spike..." Buffy sighed, smiling a bit as she remembered the good moments from the date, "...those parts were awesome. The only thing missing was me being in love with him... I still wanted that perfect night I planned, but I just... I didn't want to stop. He made me feel so good, the things he did... It was incredible and I kept wanting to go further, wanting more... God, I wanted Spike _so_ much..." Buffy closed her eyes and took a shuddery breath.

Tara sat patiently, letting Buffy compose herself, and waited for the Slayer to continue.

"We were naked, Spike was on top of me and we had our hands on each other's..." She glanced at Tara, a dark blush spread over Buffy's face. Tara blushed a little too from the mental picture she got in her head. "Sorry, too much information. You get the picture... I _really_ wanted to have sex with Spike right then and there, but..." 

When Buffy paused for more than ten seconds, Tara asked, "But?"

"That's when _the voice_ really started torturing me... I'd heard it a few times before me and Spike started seriously making out, but it sounded like my normal insecure thoughts, I was able to ignore it. I tried not to pay attention to it... but it got to the point where it was driving me insane -- it was the only thing I could hear."

"We all have an inner-voice... and sometimes it does try to sabotage us by reinforcing our fears and preventing us from taking a risk that might be worth taking. Like when Willow and I first started hanging out, my inner-voice kept warning me not to tell Willow how much I really liked her, that I liked her as _more_ than just a friend -- but it was only my fear that she might reject me. Are you sure it wasn't just your inner-voice being paranoid and fearful?"

"This went way _beyond_ what it was ever like before," Buffy admitted, shaking her head. "I was actually having a two-sided argument with it -- it talked back to me. It wouldn't stop, I begged it to stop... but it just kept saying and making me see those _things_. So if I'm not possessed, I have to be out of my mind... right?"

"I don't think you're crazy, Buffy," Tara reassured her. "What did the voice say? What did it make you see?"

Buffy told her about seeing scenes from her past being re-run in her mind, the men she'd cared for who had humiliated her and broke her heart. And she told Tara about her inner-voice's relentless criticism and negativity. 

Buffy concluded, "I felt like that guy in 'A Clockwork Orange', with my eyes pried open and strapped to a chair... being forced to watch and listen to nauseating things." 

"The 'voice' sounds kind of like your bitchy doppelganger from your dream," Tara pointed out. Buffy had discussed the dreams with Tara, hoping she could help her make sense out of some of the symbolism (and the Cheese Man).

Buffy thought about that for a minute, then nodded. "You're right... at first the voice was just fearful, but then it got cruel... putting me down, and it kept making me relive moments with Spike when we were still mean to each other. Spike and I had a lotta fights, physical _and_ verbal, so there was a lot of material for the evil voice to work with..."

"And then what happened?"

"I... I couldn't feel Spike touching or kissing me or any of the goodness, I just felt like I was being pinned down, held under water -- I felt like I was suffocating. I totally wigged out... I was crying and yelled for him to stop. I practically threw him off of me, picked my clothes up, and ran away... I had to get away, I had to make the voice and memories stop." Buffy put a hand over her eyes, trying to stifle more tears. "I keep seeing Spike's face when I told him to get off of me... he didn't know what was going on. He looked scared and confused... and hurt. God... I feel horrible. But I couldn't think... I couldn't breathe... I just had to... run."

Tara frowned in sympathy and rubbed Buffy's knee. "I'm sorry your night with Spike had to end like that, Buffy. It sounds like you had a major panic attack." 

Buffy shook her head and snorted softly. "Panic attack... me, the mighty Slayer."

"It can happen to anyone, even Slayers. You feel like you have to be strong and in control all the time... that kind of pressure would wear anyone down."

Buffy dropped her face into her hands. "God, Tara... I made such a fool out of myself. I've never been so embarrassed or ashamed of myself in my life... I worried about everyone else chasing Spike away, but I think I did a damn good job of that all on my own -- he'd have to be crazy to want to be with me now. Buffy the Relationship Slayer strikes once again..."

"Do you still want to be with Spike?"

"Yes," Buffy replied without hesitation. "I'm just... I'm so afraid of being... _rejected_ again. If Spike rejected me after everything we've been through... I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I can't compare to the giant hoes he's been to bed with, they had lots experience and probably knew all kinds of fancy stuff... He calls me his 'golden goddess', and he's been fantasizing about me for a long time... I'll never be able to measure up."

"That is what they refer to in the psychology biz as 'stinkin' thinkin''."

Buffy snorted again and rolled her eyes, laughing despite feeling completely miserable. "That's obviously a technical term... you must've studied years to learn that," Buffy commented, glad for the small diversion from her misery.

Tara smiled, happy that she could snap Buffy out of her melancholy for a moment. "You have to counter those negative thoughts right away with positive ones when they pop up. You tell that negative voice 'Okay, that's what you think, but I'm gonna do what _I_ want to do anyway.' You and Spike have a bond now, you're learning how to be friends, and you'll learn, in time, how the other likes to be touched and... other stuff, too."

"I _tried_ countering and ignoring the negative shit, but the voice wouldn't stop, it argued with me," Buffy sulked, flashing back on some of the more devastating things the voice had told and showed her... _'You keep making notches in the headboard but eventually they get up out of the bed and run off, don't they?'_. 

"That negative side of yours is pretty strong, huh?" Buffy just nodded, trying to shake the echoes of the 'old Spike's' voice from her mind again. "Have you talked to Spike about your... lack of self-confidence?" Tara asked kindly.

"Kinda... sorta..." Buffy heaved a sigh and looked down again. "I guess I haven't... told him how insecure I really am, I didn't want to seem too... pathetic. Spike knows I'm paranoid that he'll leave me, and he knows I've thought I'm just unlovable. We talked about some of that stuff... But he doesn't know how the ghosts of my exes haunt me... 

" _I_ didn't even realize how damaged I was by everything that's happened to me... until I got closer and closer to being with Spike in every sense. I'm terrified to take him all the way inside me..." She looked up at Tara, biting her lip. "Um, I didn't mean for that to sound dirty at all. I meant, I'm afraid to take him all the way inside my _heart_..."

Tara smiled kindly. "I knew what you meant."

"Although... let me tell ya," Buffy pursed her lips and raised her eyebrows, "he's _very_ impressive. My eyes almost popped right outta my head."

Tara laughed and blushed dark red. "I figured he had to be so... _cocky_ for a reason. Spike doesn't have a shiny, red corvette or carry around a big gun, the usual compensations for a lack of... impressiveness." She noted that Buffy's aura started to pulse, the reds, pinks, and blues flashed and sparkled brightly. It was plain to Tara that Buffy lusted for Spike, and another emotion was also suddenly very clear.

Buffy sighed, reflecting on how Spike looked, his sculpture-perfect body all muscle-y and lean... and how his smooth skin felt under her hands... the way his blue eyes sparked with passion, how his lips and tongue meshed perfectly with her own. "God... he's just _so_ beautiful. And the things he said were so..." Some of the sweet, swoon-inducing things Spike had said came back to her. Why couldn't she have focused on those beautiful, romantic words while they were making out instead of the bad memories and ghosts from her past? The frustration was enough to drive her insane, assuming she wasn't there already.

Then Buffy forced her mind away from Spike's impressiveness and got back on topic. "We, um, we haven't talked much about our exes. Spike doesn't want me to bring up the guys I've been with, and I sure as hell don't want to hear that he's thinking about any of the evil bitches he's been with... We did talk a little about Harmony tonight, and I nearly gagged at the thought of them being together... I hated thinking of him touching her... or her touching him."

"You have to be open with each other. I know it's hard... but if you're not honest about things that are nagging at you, bad stuff, like what happened tonight, will keep happening. Spike might have things he worries about and wants to talk with you about, too."

"I'm sure he has _lots_ of stuff worrying him right now... like how he could let himself get involved with a schizoid Slayer," Buffy sniffled again, shaking her head. "How could I hurt him like that...? In all the bad experiences I've had with men, none of them ever ran away into the night screaming and crying. Well... Angel kind of did... but that was after I'd fallen asleep. He only ran away because he lost his soul, not... because of me... well, it was sort of because of me, I guess. I've probably traumatized Spike for life, and for him... that could be a very long time..." 

"Running away wasn't a conscious decision on your part, Buffy. You didn't do it on purpose to hurt him, you were just overwhelmed and panicked."

"But I _did_ hurt him. Just like I didn't 'mean to' hurt him when he ran face-first into the anti-vamp barrier at my house... I keep hurting him. It's like some part of me is trying to drive him away..." She took a Kleenex from the side table, then wiped her eyes and blew her nose.

"Why don't I love Spike yet, Tara?" Buffy went on, sullenly. "He's done the most romantic things for me, and we've had some great talks where he said the most touching, amazing things... Every little thing he's done and said has made me all warm inside, every day I've cared about him more and more... So why don't I love him yet? If my other relationships damaged me to the point where I can't love a guy like Spike who's head-over-heels for me, what hope do I have? What if I can't love anyone? Riley knew it... he knew I didn't really love him, even though I'd convinced myself that I did. What if the part of me that can love... is broken?"

"I can't tell you how you feel, Buffy, only you know that. But... you said you were afraid of being rejected by Spike?"

Buffy raised her eyebrows and nodded firmly.

"You wouldn't be so afraid of him rejecting you, afraid to the point where you panic, if you weren't at least very _close_ to being in love with him. The fear that he'll reject you wouldn't be nearly as big a deal to you if all you felt for Spike was simple affection or just lust. People we love have enormous power over us... it makes us vulnerable -- it _is_ scary to let someone in and give them that power.

"If I hadn't been brave enough to tell Willow how I felt about her, I wouldn't have the amazing thing I have now. I'm in the best relationship I've ever been in, and I've never been happier. But it wouldn't have happened if I didn't take that giant leap and risk getting hurt... risk rejection." Tara added with a smile, patting Buffy's knee, "Plus, I got some great new friends out of the deal. Taking risks with your heart can really payoff."

Buffy smiled slightly. She pondered what Tara said, and saw the truth in it -- she was close to loving Spike and that part of her (represented by the Evil Twin in her dream) that still resisted being with him was making one last-ditch effort to ruin everything, kind of like what Xander had done at the shop. It was as if Insecure Buffy and Evil Twin Buffy joined forces and formed a tag-team to drive her crazy and destroy her relationship with Spike.

"Now," Tara continued, "by giving you all this advice, I don't mean to sound like I think I'm perfect -- I'm _far from_ perfect. I don't take a lot of risks or speak up when I should, and I've let other people walk all over me way too often... I've still got big problems with shyness and st... stuttering when I'm nervous. But because I let Willow into my life and heart, I'm battling my inner-demons and making progress. Loving Willow's given me strength I didn't even know I had. I even kinda told Xander off after you left the Magic Box..." Tara admitted, ducking her head.

Buffy smiled wider this time. " _You_? Sweet, shy Tara got all up in Xander's grill?" 

Tara nodded and they laughed. 

"What'd you say to him?"

"I basically told him to give you and Spike a break. I pointed out -- and Willow congratulated me on getting in a good burn -- that Xander was wrong about Spike kidnapping you, so why couldn't it be possible that he's wrong this time too. And before that, Mr. Giles called Xander a 'selfish little ponce' for causing that whole scene." Tara giggled at the memory.

"Sorry I missed that." Buffy laughed, wishing she could've seen Xander's face. 

After they got done giggling about that, Buffy gave Tara's hand a grateful squeeze. "I was telling Spike the other day about how glad I am Willow has such great taste in women... I'm lucky to have a friend like you, Tara." 

Tara gave her a crooked, watery smile. "I feel the same way, Buffy."

After a few quiet moments, Buffy's voice turned dejected again, "I wish you could wave a magic wand and make me not an emotional basketcase..." 

Tara grasped Buffy's hand. "It breaks my heart to see you doubt yourself so much, Buffy. You're a kind, brave, strong person; I admire you so much. You can't let what happened with your other boyfriends wreck your future, you deserve to be happy."

"I know... and I've tried to stop worrying that history will repeat itself... not hard _enough_ , obviously..." Buffy sighed. "I've really tried to put those bad things out of my mind. But it was impossible to ignore when Spike and I were... y'know. I just kept seeing their faces and hearing them say the things that hurt me so much... and then they easily morphed into Spike, and _he_ was saying those things and looking at me like I was an irritating bug buzzing around his head... And there was the stuff that Spike actually _did_ say to me in the past that really stung..."

"This thing you have with Spike, it's different than your other experiences, right?"

Buffy nodded. “Yeah, I think so... I mean, no one’s ever made me feel like he does -- no one’s ever loved me like...” Buffy’s voice trailed off as she thought about that. It was true, no one had ever made her feel like Spike did... he was funny and smart and romantic and strong -- he was perfect. So why couldn’t she accept his affections? Why couldn’t she return them like he deserved? Maybe she really didn’t deserve him... maybe she didn’t deserve anyone. 

When Buffy didn't finish her thought, Tara continued, "Every relationship is different -- just because you got hurt before doesn't mean it will happen with Spike. You've learned from mistakes, and I'm sure he has too. Spike wants to make you happy, and you have to give yourself permission to be happy."

Buffy tried concentrating on her biggest fear -- the fear that drove her out of his bed and into the rain. "What if I'm just no good, Tara? In... bed, I mean. Spike's dreamed about me for a long time -- the real me is going to be a huge letdown. I wasn't enough for _Riley_ , for God's sake..." Buffy said with an eyeroll.

"Almost everyone worries they won't be good enough in bed, you're not alone in that. Do you believe Spike loves you?"

"Yes... but does he love me _enough_ to put up with me if I'm a terrible girlfriend? He's never said this to me -- he doesn't _have to_ say it -- but I know sex is a _very_ important part of a relationship to him. The only reason he was with Harmony was for the sex... and it had to be really good sex for him to endure living with that mental midget."

"Spike does love you, Buffy -- I see it every time he looks at you, and I see it in his aura."

"What does his aura look like?" Buffy asked curiously.

"Well... there's a lot of black and gray, that's typical in the vampires and demons I've seen. But there are warmer colors in his, much more like a human than a vampire. When he's around you it pulses, the colors become more vibrant and alive. So I do believe he really loves you, and that means he wouldn't consider it a deal-breaker _even if_ \-- and that's a big 'IF' -- you aren't a dynamo in bed. Real love is unconditional."

"But then he'd be unfulfilled and just tolerating being with me." Buffy pouted. "I wouldn't want him to stay with me because he feels some kind of... obligation to stay. He'd be miserable with me... or I'll be finding him with whores too." Buffy's eyes brimmed with tears at the thought of finding Spike with someone else... someone to fill those of his needs that she couldn't.

Tara shook her head. "You're jumping to conclusions. The best thing to do when you doubt your... _prowess_ is to talk with your partner about it. When Willow and I first became... lovers," Tara hoped she wasn't blushing too much as she thought about her first time with Willow, "she was really worried she wouldn't know what to do because... well, because she'd only been with a man before. We talked about it, about what I especially enjoy, and Willow felt much more confident after that. And she did great, by the way..." Tara couldn't help blushing hard.

Buffy smiled sadly, blinking back her tears.

Tara shook off her swoony-ness and focused back on Buffy's problem. "The point is, if you have open and honest communication, you can find out what pleases your partner most and _become_ a great lover if you aren't already. Do you feel comfortable enough with Spike to talk to him about that stuff?"

Buffy took a nervous breath. "I-I'd feel so stupid... What if he laughs at me?"

"Do you really think he'd do that?" Tara asked doubtfully, giving the Slayer a 'come on, you know that's not true' look.

"I don't know..." Then after a moment, Buffy shook her head and said, "No, probably not... no, he wouldn't do that. The old Spike would've, for sure..."

"The things Spike's done in the past still obviously upset you... Do you think you can get over that?"

"I know I can get past all that old, less than pleasant stuff that happened between me and Spike -- practically everyone I know has tried to kill me or mess with me at one time or another, and I was able to forgive and forget. Well... I still _remember_ but I don't hold any grudges against the people I care about."

"You believe Spike's changed, he's not exactly the same person who tormented you," Tara pointed out.

Buffy nodded. "I can see the _real_ Spike now, and I like him... a lot. I don't want to sound stuck on myself, but falling in love with me opened his mind and heart, it's made him a better person. He's got that bad, dark side, but there's so much more to him than I ever thought possible... Spike told me at the coffeehouse how much he regrets the things he's said and done to me, and I really do believe he's sorry and would take everything back if he could; he's changed a lot since those days. I guess he'd be sweet and understanding about my self-doubt -- especially about sex stuff -- now... I'd still feel dumb telling him about my childish insecurities, though."

Tara shook her head. "No, you shouldn't feel dumb for doubting yourself, everyone feels insecure about one thing or another. And just think of the rewards you'll get by having that difficult conversation with him. There's nothing wrong with asking your partner what they like to do, and what they like to be done to them, in bed."

"All this sex-talk probably doesn't even matter... Spike doesn't want me anymore..." Buffy closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "I fucked everything up..." her voice wavered, on the verge of tears again.

"You're putting words in his mouth. You need to talk to Spike, Buffy. Call him. Let him tell you what he wants instead of your inner-voice."

Buffy did want to hear his voice and let him know she was okay, but she was so embarrassed about what happened. She hugged the pillow in her lap tighter. "I-I need a little time first."

Tara nodded. Switching to a different topic, she asked, "Are you still mad at Xander about what happened at the shop? I'm so sorry you had to go through that tonight, too."

Buffy started ranting, putting her energy into being mad at Xander rather than herself. "Oh, I was soooo mad! He's lucky I didn't punch him in the face. How could he talk to Spike like that? And the stuff he said about me? How the hell would Xander know how I feel about Spike? Xander can be such an asshole sometimes, I swear! He doesn't know what's in our hearts, he doesn't know what Spike and I have been through together. Since that night at the mansion, Spike has been nothing but sweet and kind and loving with me. It changed everything. Why can't Xander just trust me -- I know Spike's changed and I know he'll be good to me. He really does want to be a better person, I know in my heart he does. I love Spike and it hurts so much to see him being treated like shit by my friends, after all the..." She stopped when Tara broke into a smile. "What?"

"Buffy... did you hear what you just said?"

She frowned and thought back, but didn't know what Tara was referring to. "Um... the thing about Xander being an asshole?"

Tara helped her out. "You said 'I love Spike'."

Buffy's eyes rounded. "I did?" She re-ran what she'd said in her head, and realized Tara was right. "I... did. That's the first time I've said it... or even thought it."

"Was that just a slip or is it how you really feel?" Tara questioned, pretty sure she already knew the answer.

"I... love Spike," Buffy said again with a slow smile of realization. "Oh, wow..." She took and released a shaky breath. Her eyes were swimming with tears, but these were tears of happiness and comprehension. All the warmth she'd felt for Spike for days wasn't just a deep affection, it was love. When she'd nearly staked Spike during patrol, she'd been terrified because she'd almost accidentally killed and lost the man she loved -- it was all so clear to Buffy now. Why couldn't she see it before? "I _am_ in love with Spike," she announced to Tara, her eyes wide with wonder and joy. 

"I could see it in your aura, but I thought you needed to come to that conclusion on your own. You were too afraid of getting hurt to let yourself say it or really feel it until now -- it couldn't come out until your emotional walls were down. Now that you know you love him, you can work out the problems." 

"But..." Buffy fretted, her joy suddenly turning to despair as she worried her bottom lip between her teeth, "what if Spike wants nothing to do with me after what happened tonight? I wouldn't blame him, I hurt him... and I acted like a crazy person -- and he already dated one of those for a hundred years. I finally realize I'm in love with him only to have him realize he can't take all the baggage and craziness that comes along with me..." Buffy put her hands over her face and mumbled, "Oh God, that _would_ be something that could only happen to me..." 

"One way to find out," Tara said, nodding toward the phone.

Buffy peeked through fingers and stared nervously at the phone, she gulped. "What if he tells me to go to Hell... or to go get stuffed, Tara?" she asked in a small voice, staring at the phone like it might jump up and attack her at any moment.

"I really don't think he'll do that, Buffy. Spike's probably hurt and confused and worried about you... you need to explain what happened."

"What if he..." Buffy began.

Tara interrupted her. "'What ifs' will get you every time. Remember, tell that inner Insecure or Evil Twin Buffy, 'Thanks for your opinion, but I'm doing what I want to do. I deserve to be with the man I love.'"

Buffy closed her eyes and nodded. "You're right..." She felt emotionally drained and physically exhausted, but she had to call Spike before she could even think about sleeping.

Buffy got up from the chair as Tara also stood up, then she gave the kindhearted, blonde witch a big hug. "Thanks, Dr. Maclay. You're really good at this talking stuff... I feel like I should write you a check for the hour I was on your couch... or chair."

Tara laughed lightly and patted Buffy on the back as they hugged. "I'll waive my usual fee -- but only for you. You get the Slayer's Discount."

* * *

Buffy checked the messages on her phone, putting off talking to Spike for a minute longer. There was a message from Spike, he'd apparently called about an hour after she'd fled the crypt. She took a breath, held it, and played the message.

Spike's voice sounded tired, rough, and full of sorrow. “Buffy... I know I'm the last person you want to hear from right now, but... I'm so sorry. God... I didn’t mean to hurt you, pet. I thought... I thought you were showing me you were ready. But you weren’t, and I... I rushed you and made you feel like you had to... Please believe me, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I'd never force myself on...” Spike's voice broke and he cleared his throat, sounding like he was trying not to cry. “I’m just sorry... for everything. I promised I wouldn't hurt you anymore, but I keep doin' it, don't I? Maybe my demon's stronger than I thought it was... I won't bother you again..."

Buffy made a whining sound at the end of the message, trying to keep from crying again.

Tara had gone back to her computer, but looked over at Buffy when she heard the unhappy sound the Slayer made. "What is it?"

"Spike left a message... He thinks he hurt me and forced me to... Oh God..." Buffy rubbed her sore eyes, "I didn't think it was possible for me to feel worse about it..."

"It'll be okay... just call Spike back and tell him the truth."

Buffy breathed deeply a few times, working up her courage, then called Spike's number. She wanted to tell him she loved him, but saying it for the first time over the phone wasn't how she wanted to do it; that was a face-to-face kind of thing. After the phone rang a few times, it went to voice mail. Buffy groaned, she didn't want to leave a message, she wanted to talk to Spike directly about what happened. Why wasn't he answering?

"Spike... it's me. I'm _so_ sorry about what happened... You didn't do anything wrong, please don't think you forced me to do anything I didn't want to do or that you hurt me. What happened was all me and... and... See, I'm a Slayer, not a Ghostbuster and... my ghosts just refuse to die... well, actually, I guess ghosts are technically dead, but these are like live ghosts and they just won't shut up... and now I'm rambling... God, I suck at leaving messages... gift-giving and leaving messages are things I suck at." Buffy paused a moment, shaking her head and sighing heavily before getting her thoughts back on track. "I was afraid... not of you, but of... of being with you like that, because of how I've been hurt before. It wasn't fair to you, and I'm so, so sorry for hurting you by acting the way I did... 

"I care about you so much, Spike... I don't want to lose you, I _can't_ lose you. I hope you can forgive me and we can... I don't know, start over again? Give me another chance, okay? We'll get it right one of these times," Buffy joked anxiously. "Um, I'm probably running out of message space, so... please call me so we can talk. You know the number, right? Of course you know the number, you gave me the phone -- and you called me on it after our first date... being all adorable." 

Buffy had to stop for a moment to get her sniffles under control. Spike calling from outside her house was such a sweet memory, but it upset her to think they might never have moments like that again.

"If you forgot the number it’s...” Buffy thought for a moment then pulled the phone away from her ear to look at it, but it just had Spike’s number on the screen. “Shit! I don’t even know my own phone number,” she moaned, putting the phone back to her ear as realization hit her. "...Oh, I guess it's probably right there on your screen like yours is on mine so you probably don’t need me to give it to you again and... God, I need to shut up now. Please call me, I... I'll be waiting."

Buffy hung up and heaved a sigh, bowing her head. "Why didn't he answer? Maybe he just doesn't want to talk to me..."

Tara went to her, rubbing a hand up and down Buffy's back. "Don't assume the worst. He'll call. Maybe he just needs a little time to prepare himself in case what you want to say is bad and hard for him to hear. It seems like Spike assumes the worst a lot, just like you."

Buffy knew that was true enough -- one more thing they had in common.

"Did you hear your phone ring when he left the message for you?" Tara asked.

"No... I put it on vibrate and I guess I was so busy crying, panicking, and feeling sorry for myself that I didn't even feel it."

"You should go home and try to get some sleep," Tara suggested, seeing how exhausted Buffy looked.

"How can I sleep? I can't sleep until I talk to Spike..."

"He might need some time... or be afraid of waking you up. He might not call before morning... and you need to rest, Buffy."

Buffy sighed, nodding slowly, suddenly feeling completely exhausted and wrung out. She really did need to sleep; she wouldn't be any good to anybody for anything if she didn't get some rest.

"You could crash here if you want," Tara offered.

"No, I need to go home... Mom will be worried if I'm not there in the morning."

"Okay. But you can call or come back here if you need to."

"You mind if I wear your sweats home? My clothes are still wet."

Tara shook her head. "Not at all. Let me get my keys and I'll drive you, it's a long walk from here and it's still raining. You'll catch pneumonia if you're not careful."

Buffy sniffed to keep from crying again at the mention of 'pneumonia', that's what she'd said to Spike when she suggested they take their shirts off. She really had to be in love if something silly like the mention of the word 'pneumonia' made her weepy. "I... I couldn't ask you to do that, Tara." Buffy cringed as she pulled on her ruined suede jacket. "You've put up with enough of me and my craziness for one night."

"You didn't ask me to drive you home, I offered. And I haven't been 'putting up' with you, Buffy. It's okay, really. You're my friend, and helping each other is what friends do."

Buffy reluctantly, but gratefully, accepted Tara's offer. She hadn't been looking forward to walking all the way home in the rain.

Tara left Willow a note in case she got back while she was gone, and then gave Buffy a lift to Revello. She hoped Buffy and Spike could patch things up. Tara had a strong hunch that the blond couple really would be good for each other if they could just get past the roadblocks on their way to happiness.

* * *

Buffy gulped as she opened the door and entered the crypt, she felt like her heart would beat right out of her chest she was so nervous. Spike was sitting in the chair and watching TV (he'd been watching 'Pee-wee's Big Adventure'), but he stood and switched off the set when he heard her come in. 

He turned to face her, his expression stony. "Well... look who's come back to the scene of the crime."

"Spike, I'm so sorry about what happened..." Buffy began.

"I'm not," Spike said as he casually lit a cigarette. "I'm glad it happened... 'cos now I know you're not worth all the bleedin' trouble."

Buffy frowned, her voice became more unsteady and an invisible fist squeezed her heart as her worst fears appeared to be coming true. "Spike, please don't say that..." 

"Why not? It's the truth. You think I'm gonna go to all that bother again, gettin' you all hot and frothy, just so you can jump up and run out the door with your virtue fluttering?"

"Please let me try to explain what was going through my head. Can't we just talk about..."

Spike shook his head and dropped his cigarette, grinding it out under his boot. "I'm _sick to death_ of talkin' to you -- that's all we fucking do! Well, until last night... but that didn't end too well, now did it?" He gave her a cruel smirk, raising his scarred brow, then he flicked a slender finger at her like she was a bug. "Go back to your sad, loveless existence and leave me the bloody hell alone. I've had enough of you to last ten bloody lifetimes."

Buffy recoiled, anger and hatred were coming off of him in waves. "Why are you being so... cold?" She knew Spike reacted to being hurt by lashing out and hurting the person who'd hurt him, but it was still a shock for him to speak to her this way; this was more like the 'old Spike', not the sweet, thoughtful Spike she'd come to know of late. "You have to know I didn't mean to hurt you... D-don't you love me anymore?" she asked meekly, her face screwing up in pain as tears welled in her eyes.

Spike gave her a frosty look. "You killed whatever it was I felt for you, Slayer. Bugger off. I'm leaving you and Sunnyhell behind me for good. Dru probably went back to Brazil..." He looked up in thought, pursing his lips, folding his arms across his chest and tapping a finger slowly on his chin. "I might still be able to find her down there -- I reckon she'd take me back if I asked nicely and let her torture me a bit."

Buffy shut her eyes tightly for a moment, fighting to hold in a flood of tears. "You don't mean that. Please... stop being so --"

"Don't tell me what I mean and what I don't, Betty. I'm through doin' what _you_ want me to do. Think I'll start tryin' to track Dru down now -- there's no time like the present." Spike pushed past her, heading for the door. "Like to say it's been fun, but..."

"Spike, don't go!" Buffy grabbed his arm and spun him back around. She swallowed hard and looked into his eyes. "I... I love you."

Spike snorted, smirked and started clapping. "Bravo, Slayer! What a _breakthrough_. As if you could ever love anyone but your precious Angel? Everyone knows the Magnificent Poof is still the apple of your eye."

"No, that's not true!" Buffy protested, shaking her head back and forth. "I'm not in love with Angel anymore, what I had with him is over. I love _you_ , Spike, not him! You want me to call Angel right now and tell him that I'm in love with you to prove I mean it? 'Cause I will."

But Spike was unmoved by her offer. "You think you can string me along a while longer by dangling your love in front of me like a bloody carrot in front of a donkey? Think again, sweetheart. You get off on torturin' me, but I've finally had enough. I'm not playin' your game anymore."

"It's not a goddamn game! Stop being such an asshole!" Buffy yelled. She sniffled, going from angry to heartbroken in the space of a few seconds. She blinked to clear her vision as tears overflowed from her eyes. "I'm in love with you, Spike... I really am. I know you're hurt, I know you're angry -- you have every right to be -- but can't we just --"

"Thanks ever so for giving me permission to be angry, how big of you," Spike sneered sarcastically. "You really are a piece o' work... well, you're a piece o' _somethin'_. Too little, too late, Slayer. You love me, eh? Well..." he moved in close and shouted, making Buffy flinch back, "I _don't bloody care_!"

Buffy sobbed, it was getting hard to breathe; she felt like she was being crushed, squished like a bug. "Stop it! I know you don't mean that!"

"Hmph, how's that for irony? You finally want me, but I don't want you anymore," Spike laughed. "I really shoulda listened to Angel. He knew you weren't worth all the bloody aggravation... how did he put it? Oh yeah, 'not worth a second go'... well, maybe I did get off easy, after all." 

"Stop talking like that!" Buffy cried, putting her hands over her ears like a child to block out his acidic words. "Why are you doing this to me?!"

Spike yanked her hands away from her ears. His blue eyes were icy, his lips curled into a cruel sneer, he gripped her wrists painfully and shook her. "'Cause it's the way a cold bitch like you deserves to be treated. I'm startin' to believe you _did_ cast a spell on me, just like Dru said. All that bloody time I wasted on you, and that I was actually daft enough to choose a worthless insect like you over my Drusilla, my dark goddess... it makes me want to heave!" 

Buffy stared at Spike with watery eyes; she couldn't believe the horrible, drastic change in him. He was behaving like when Dru had hypnotized him at the mansion. His eyes held no warmth or feeling (besides hatred and contempt) for her. This is what her rejection had done to him... the Spike she loved was gone, she'd killed him... she'd killed him just as sure as if she'd shoved a stake through his heart.

Spike shoved her backwards, Buffy stumbled and fell down hard on her ass on the stone floor. She looked up at him, wishing she would wake up from this nightmare. "Stop," she begged through her tears. "I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Spike shook his head. "You weren't even good enough for Riley bloody Finn -- you really thought you'd come close to bein' good enough for me, Slayer? Thank God I didn't have to discover what a frigid cunt you really are and have my fantasies destroyed, least I still have those. I reckon puttin' it to you'd be like stickin' my cock in a block of ice..."

 

Buffy gasped awake, finding herself alone in her dark bedroom. It really was just a nightmare... 

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, rested her elbows on her knees and dropped her face into her hands. She breathed deeply and wiped away her tears, trying to shake off the fear, misery, and heartache brought on by the nightmare.

Buffy went to splash some water on her face and get a cold drink in the bathroom. Dream Spike was _not_ the same sexy/sweet/loving guy who usually visited her in Dreamland. Where was the tenderness, the love, the romance? Where was the hot sex? Why couldn't she have another dream like the 'ravishing Spike when he was tied to a chair' one? Now she couldn't even escape to her dreams for some happiness and wish/fantasy fulfillment. Why did her subconscious hate her so much? What had she ever done to it?

"It won't happen like that. Spike won't react that way... he loves me, I _know_ he does." She prayed that wasn't another Slayer dream...

* * *

Buffy was afraid to go back to sleep after her nightmare, but she did manage to doze off again for a while. And, thankfully, there were no more nightmares. Thinking about the dream and seeing it play out again in her head made her feel sick... But she wasn't going to let that, or any other, bad dream keep her from going after the man she loved. It was like Tara said, sometimes you had to risk being crushed to earn happiness. Buffy had to have faith in Spike and what they shared; he wouldn't turn on her because of her moment of weakness.

She'd left her phone on her nightstand in case Spike called... but he didn't. Buffy checked the messages again in the morning, but there wasn't anything new from Spike. She listened to the one message he'd left last night a few times, just to torture herself. Hearing his voice sounding so emotional and roughened with sadness tore her up inside... and to know that that sadness was caused by her and what she'd done last night made it even worse.

"He'll call... just needs some more time," Buffy told herself as she slid out of bed and prepared for the day. "He wouldn't really leave town... he wouldn't really go find Dru... I know he wouldn't." Buffy tried to assure herself that the nightmare was just that -- just a dream, just a figment of her Evil Twin's evil imagination.

Buffy did her best to pretend she wasn't upset when having breakfast with her mother. Joyce could tell there was something wrong, though -- those psychic Mom powers again. For one thing, Buffy wasn't going on and on about the date.

"How did your date go last night?" Joyce asked as she stirred her coffee.

"I had a great time." Buffy put on her best fake smile. "Spike gave me this necklace, isn't it pretty?" She held out the charm necklace for her mother to see.

Joyce leaned forward, smiling as she glanced at all the little charms. "That was sweet of him, it's lovely."

Buffy nodded and buttered a piece of toast for the third time. "He said he's going to be working for his friend Clem, mostly just so he can buy me nice things. I told him I didn't want him doing that just for me, but he said he likes giving me things... he likes making me smile. Spike's always doing such..." Buffy sniffed, trying to keep tears from falling, "...he does such amazing things for me. He makes me feel special."

"Why do you have that unhappy little crease between your eyebrows? I know that crease -- it's the same one you got when you unwrapped that encyclopedia on Christmas morning. Something else happened last night. Do you want to talk about it?"

"Um... okay, there were parts of the date that weren't so great," Buffy confessed. But she wasn't going to tell her mom about the panic attack -- and she certainly wasn't going to tell her mom what she'd been _doing_ when she'd had the panic attack. "Xander was an ass when Spike and I went to the Magic Box. He said some really... terrible things to Spike and Spike tried to punch him."

"Oh, no..." Joyce grimaced. "Is everyone alright?"

"Yeah, everyone's fine... the chip kicked in before Spike could hit Xander. And then I yelled at Xander, and then Spike and I left."

"Were you angry with Spike for trying to hit Xander? Did the two of you have a fight?"

Buffy sighed. "I was kinda mad at Spike too at first, but Xander intentionally provoked him. I don't blame Spike at all for wanting to punch Xander. I heard what Xander said and I wanted to slap him, too."

"I guess that spoiled your night?"

"It was... We... Spike and I made up, but he was still upset when I left him... I'm just worried about him." 

Joyce bought that excuse. She could only imagine how tough it had to be for her daughter wanting to be with a man whom her friends didn't approve of. She put her hand on top of Buffy's. "It'll be okay, honey. Spike loves you and your friends love you, everyone will start getting along... eventually." She added silently, _'Or I'll give them all a piece of my mind -- I'll be damned if I'll let them make my baby girl miserable.'_

Buffy tried smiling again. "Yeah... everything will work out."

"I'd better get ready to take your sister to school," Joyce said, noticing the time.

"I'll take her, Mom," Buffy volunteered and stood up.

"But you didn't finish your breakfast." Buffy's eggs and toast were virtually untouched, except for the super-sized helping of cholesterol on her toast.

"It's okay... I'm not really that hungry anyway."

* * *

After Buffy dropped Dawn off at school, her phone rang. Excitement and anxiety made her heart start to race. She both dreaded and was eager to talk to Spike. It was going to be hard to explain her fears without sounding totally juvenile and silly... that's if he even wanted her to try explaining. Maybe Spike would just tell her to 'get stuffed' and hang up on her...

Buffy shook her head. "No, I can't let those 'what ifs' make me afraid... I can make it right between us again."

As she prepared to hit the 'Talk' button, Buffy remembered if it was Spike calling her, she would've heard the 'I Wanna Be Sedated' ringtone. She sighed, her heart rate returning to normal, and answered the phone.

"Buffy, are you okay?" Willow asked, concerned. "Tara told me what happened last night."

"Yeah, I'm okay... I guess. I'm not too much of a crazy, weepy mess so far today. I still haven't talked to Spike... he won't call me back."

"Well... um, he sleeps during the day, being a vampire an' all," Willow said, wanting to give Buffy some hope. "He'll probably call when he wakes up around dusk-ish. Try not to worry."

Buffy rolled her eyes and sighed again. "Easier said than done."

"I know... just try to hang in there. Spike will either show up at your house or call you. He's always popped back up when we thought he went away before."

That made Buffy think of those Bozo Bop Bag inflatable toys, the kind that always sprang back up when you punched them. Spike would probably be even more pissed with her if he knew he was being compared to a children's punching bag that looked like a clown, but the fact that you couldn't knock them down for long sounded a lot like Spike -- no one could keep him down, he always righted himself and got up in your face again. When Buffy thought about it, it was another thing they had in common... no matter how many times they got knocked down, they both kept getting back up... that should’ve made her feel better, but it only made her feel worse. How many times could he take getting knocked down before all the air got knocked out of him and all that was left was a deflated shell where his love used to be? She doubted even Bozo could pop back from a dagger to the heart...

"Yeah, but the difference is that now I actually _want_ him to pop back up. Spike's nothing if not a walking, talking antonym." 

A few seconds went by without them saying anything, Willow wasn't sure what else to say. Then she had a thought.

"Hey, you want to meet at the Espresso Pump at noon? Tara and I will be in desperate need of our caffeine fix by then. It'll do you good and take your mind off of things for a while, and then before you know it, Spike will call and you crazy kids can sort everything out."

Willow made it sound so easy -- but nothing was ever easy for Buffy. 

Buffy wanted to say no to meeting Tara and Willow, she didn't feel up to socializing; she'd be on pins and needles until she talked to Spike and they worked out their problems... _if_ they could work out their problems. But Willow was right, it might be good to get her mind off of her troubles for a little while, at least. Talking to her friends might help her feel better and they might be able to give her some good advice. "Sure... if me being mopey won't bother you."

"We're your friends -- we're here for you in happy _and_ mopey times," Willow assured her.

"Thanks, Will... I'll meet you guys there. But I'll let you know if I can't make it. If Spike calls and wants to talk to me... it may take a while for me to convince him I'm not loony tunes. _I'm_ still not convinced I'm not loony tunes."

"You're not crazy, Buffy. I know how relationship stuff can make you _feel_ crazy, though. You'll talk to him, you'll get back on track, and then you'll be your normal self again. That mean inner-voice of yours will learn who's boss and leave you alone."

After they said goodbye, Buffy checked her messages again. There was still nothing new from Spike. 

Her negative inner-voice whispered, _'He's not going to call. He knows what a basketcase you are now. He knows the real you and he hates you, just like he did in the dream.'_

Buffy countered, _'Spike loves me and he *never* gives up when there's something or someone he wants. Go away, I'm not listening to you anymore.'_ That seemed to shut the voice up, at least temporarily.

Buffy called to leave Spike another message, and suddenly waiting until dusk seemed much too long to wait; she needed to talk to him now.

"Spike, it's me again. Why haven't you called me back yet? You're making me nervous... I realize you might be sleeping since it's daytime... but I don't want to let any more time pass without talking to you. I need to try and explain why I acted the way I did. It wasn't because I don't... want you or care about you, I care and want you _a lot_. I already said that in the last message, didn't I? So... I'm on my way to the crypt right now. See you soon..."

She hung up and pulled out into traffic, heading for Restfield. 

Buffy had promised herself she wouldn't chase after Spike and try to track him down all the time, but this was a special case. She'd made a spectacle of herself last night and had to have hurt Spike's feelings badly... She needed to make things right with him. She needed to apologize and tell him she loved him. Hopefully her declaration of love would make Spike happy and more willing to give her another chance.

* * *

Buffy looked around the upper level of the crypt, wide-eyed and alarmed. A broken sarcophagus lid lay against one wall, there were several dents in the stone walls, everything that could be knocked over was knocked over, and there were traces of what looked like blood all over the place.

"What happened here?" Buffy whispered. Had Spike been attacked by someone? Demons, vamps, or one of his crazy exes? Or maybe Xander had come by to get rid of Spike? She dismissed that last one -- Xander wouldn't do that (at least she _hoped_ he wouldn't.). Buffy's mind raced, there was no end to the list of Spike's enemies.

"Spike?" Buffy called out anxiously as she pushed aside the trapdoor and began climbing down. "Spike, are you here?"

She searched the lower level, but Spike didn't appear to be home. His duster wasn't hung up where she'd seen it last night, which hopefully meant that Spike was just on the move and using the sewers to travel during the day and he hadn't been attacked. But then, why was the upper crypt in disarray -- or rather, _more_ disarray than usual? Maybe Spike had done it himself... Had he been so enraged and heartbroken after Buffy's apparent rejection of him and his affection that he'd gone crazy too?

Buffy looked at the bed, tears threatened to overflow from her eyes again as she relived what happened last night. She'd spoiled something that would've been beautiful and fulfilling for both of them. "We'll talk and it will be okay, the ghosts will stop haunting me... I'll make it up to you, I swear. Where are you, Spike?" 

Buffy didn't know where else to go to look for him. She didn't know where he went during the day. Maybe he went to her house? She decided to go home -- maybe she'd get lucky and find Spike waiting to talk to her there.

She climbed back up the ladder, then took out her phone and called Spike again. He still wasn't answering, she had to leave another message.

"Spike, I'm at the crypt right now. Where are you? Something obviously happened here between the time I left and this morning... Please let me know you're okay. I'm heading back home, I hope you're there waiting for me. Something tells me you're not... but I'll keep my fingers crossed."

* * *

Spike wasn't at her house waiting for her like Buffy had hoped, which really didn't surprise her, but she was disappointed all the same. But she couldn't just sit by the phone chewing her fingernails down to nubs and worrying all day, she'd go crazy... or crazier. Buffy didn't want to go to the Magic Box. She was afraid she really would hit Xander if he smiled (or looked in any way pleased) when he found out Spike was missing. Buffy sorted some laundry, cleaned the kitchen, and then started on her bedroom. 

Joyce was busy on the phone all morning, talking to friends, and her boss at the gallery, planning for when she'd be going back to work. But she noticed Buffy behaving unusually -- namely, cleaning. She thought there was something more to the story than Buffy had told her, but she wouldn't press her daughter for details. If Buffy needed to talk, she'd come to her -- pushing Buffy generally just made Buffy push back.

Buffy went to meet Willow and Tara at the Espresso Pump at noon, she vowed to try to not be too depressing and bring them down. 

The three friends had some coffee and talked about the previous night. Buffy thanked Tara again for giving her the sweats to wear home, and gave the washed, clean clothes back to the compassionate witch. Buffy went on to tell Willow what happened after her and Spike left the shop. Buffy wasn't happy about rehashing the upsetting part of the night, but her friends couldn't give good advice if they didn't know the details.

Then Buffy told them about how she'd gone to see Spike and found the upper crypt trashed. "I'm really worried that something happened to him... I left Spike another message, I don't know what else to do."

"Do you know some other places he likes to go?" Tara wondered. "Maybe we could check his usual hangouts and find him."

Buffy thought about it. "There's Willy's, the garage where he's working on his car... the, um... I'm drawing a blank," Buffy started, shaking her head as she tried to think. "There aren't a lot of places Spike likes to go... Oh, The Bronze -- but that doesn't open until this evening; he wouldn't be there."

"You want us to do a locator spell?" Willow asked enthusiastically, always ready to work some magick. "We could find out exactly where he is so you won't have to search for him blindly."

Buffy smiled, liking that idea, but her smile faded quickly. "I should wait to ask you to do something like that. If Spike's not answering his phone, he doesn't want to be found. I've already upset him enough... I'm afraid I'll do more damage if I track him down and he's not ready to talk to me."

"But you said the crypt showed signs of a fight... you don't want to make sure he's okay?" Willow persisted.

"Yeah... I am worried. But he's probably okay and will just get angry that I wouldn't leave him alone."

"It's up to you, Buffy. I'll do the spell if you want me to."

Buffy bit her bottom lip. After a few seconds she said, "Okay... do the spell. If he's mad, I'll deal with it. I need to know if he's alright."

"Great." Willow grinned. "We can do the spell when we go back to the dorm. Do you have something that belongs to Spike? It helps to have a personal object to focus on."

"Um..." Buffy patted down her pockets as she considered the question. She could go back to the crypt and get something of Spike's, but that would take too long and she wanted answers fast. "Would something he gave me as a gift be okay? I've got the necklace on that he gave me. And the poem." Buffy had the poem folded up in her wallet, wanting to have it with her to remind her of Spike's love, desire, and devotion.

"Something that's his would be better, but I think it will work with a gift he gave you." 

A few minutes later they were on their way to Willow and Tara's dorm room.

* * *

Buffy sat on the bed, nervously chewing on a thumbnail, while the Wiccans cast their spell on a map of Sunnydale. They used the poem Spike wrote for her as the personal object; Willow thought it would work better than the necklace since Spike had created it from his own thoughts and feelings. 

Buffy leaned forward when a bright spot appeared on the map. "Where is he?"

Willow looked closely at the street names surrounding the spot of light. "It looks like he's... around Crawford Street," she said, looking up at Buffy.

"The mansion..." Buffy felt cold inside. "Spike hates that place, he wouldn't go back there voluntarily. Maybe Dru came back and took him there... I have to go!" She jumped off the bed and started for the door.

"Buffy, wait!" Willow called, making Buffy skid to a stop just as she reached the door. "If Dru's back, you can't go in there alone."

"It might be a trap Drusilla set for you," Tara cautioned. "You said she had wards put on the mansion when she kidnapped you -- she knows you have witch friends, she'd know you might try finding Spike through magick."

Buffy tried to calm down, breathing deeply a few times. They were right -- if Dru was back, she might be using Buffy's feelings for Spike to lure her into a trap. The thought that Dru could be doing something horrible to Spike right at this moment made Buffy sick and afraid. But she had to stay calm and think things through, not just go rushing headlong into what could be another dangerous situation. "Okay... I'll be stealthy and check it out before I go storming in. I'll call you if I need backup."

The witches were still uneasy about Buffy going anywhere near the mansion alone, but the Slayer was out the door too quickly for them to convince her to reconsider her plan. 

Anger began to overwhelm Buffy's fear as she started up her mom's Jeep. If Dru had dared touch one platinum hair on Spike's head... there would be hell to pay.

* * *

Buffy needn't have worried, there was no indication that Dru or any of her minions had been back to the mansion, it was completely deserted when she got there. If Spike was here a half hour ago (and Willow's spell hadn't gone wonky), he wasn't here now. Buffy found an empty whiskey bottle and spent cigarette butts on the floor near the couch, she was pretty sure Spike had left those here very recently.

Buffy called his name loudly for a few minutes, hoping he'd slink out of the shadows. But, of course, he didn't. She'd _almost_ hoped Dru was back -- that would mean it wasn't Spike's choice to stay away and not call her back.

"Why would you come back here?" Buffy wondered aloud. She remembered how Spike couldn't wait to leave the mansion after Dru left. He'd said that some of the worst days of his life were spent in the mansion, so why would he want to come here?

Buffy called Willow on the way back to her car, filling her in on the situation. "Can you do another spell? You've still got the poem, you can do it again, right?"

"Yeah, we're still set up. Hang on."

A minute later, Buffy heard Willow speaking in Latin. Shortly after that, Willow came back on the line.

"Okay... geez, he moves fast! He's all the way across town. The map shows Spike being near Church Street, in Espenson Cemetery."

"What would he be doing there?" Buffy asked, more to herself than Willow. 

Willow looked more closely at the map, seeing there was a church under the dot of light. "It looks like he's in or very near a church... Wasn't the old church where Spike did that restoration ritual for Dru in Espenson cemetery?"

Buffy had to think about that for a minute. "Yeah... it was. That's the church he's in now?"

"I think so, yeah."

That was where she'd beaned him with that censer which led to him being crippled and confined to a wheelchair. Buffy thought, _'It can't be a good sign that Spike went there... Is he reminding himself of all the reasons he should hate me?'_

"Okay, I'm gonna go check it out."

"Be careful," Willow advised.

"I will. Thanks for your help. I'll call you after I find Spike... or I'll call you if I don't find him... either way, I'll call you."

* * *

Buffy was frustrated to find that Spike wasn't still at the church by the time she got there. The church was a burned out shell, the place was falling apart. Buffy wondered why the city wouldn't tear down a building that was barely standing like this one, even if it was a church. Sunnydale had forty-three churches at last count, there were plenty more. 

Buffy stopped near the area the church organ had fallen on Spike years ago. Imagining Spike buried under rubble, in pain, burned and unable to walk, made her want to cry again. Back then, Buffy might've smiled with satisfaction if she'd seen him lying there, after what he'd done and tried to do to Angel, she would've been pleased to see her archenemy so severely wounded; in fact, she most likely would've put him out of his misery and dusted him right then and there. But things were very different now than they were almost four years ago... very, very different.

This place conjured up some unpleasant memories. Spike had been in full-on evil mode back then, a remorseless, vicious predator who only looked out for himself... and, of course, Dru. His caring, sensitive side had been reserved only for Drusilla, everyone else was expendable.

Spike had changed since then, and Buffy, too, felt like a different person from the girl she'd been the last time she was here in this church. She'd been so young... so naive. Her world had revolved around Angel, being with him and keeping him safe were all she thought about; she'd been ready to kill Spike to prevent him from hurting Angel. Buffy was relieved now that she hadn't gone right back into the church and made sure Spike was dead; she hadn't staked Spike... she'd only crippled him. 

Knowing what Spike must've been thinking about when he was here not a half hour ago increased Buffy's dread. Worrying about _which_ Spike she'd get -- evolved, thoughtful, romantic, loving Spike or evil, hateful, cruel Spike, like the one in her dream -- when he finally did call or approach her, was going to drive Buffy crazy. Buffy took a deep breath to try and stay calm, then sent a silent prayer to the PTB, begging them to make that nightmare she’d had just a dream, not a portent of things to come.

Buffy looked around as best she could and yelled Spike's name a few times without getting a response. "If you're here and just being lurky... come out and let me explain what happened last night." She sighed. "But you're not here, and I'm talking to myself again... and I called Dru insane..."

Buffy called Willow and told her the bad news.

"I'd do another spell for you, but I really have to get to class," Willow apologized. "I wouldn't go, but we're having an exam today..."

"That's okay... Put the poem somewhere safe until I can come and get it."

"You don't want me to do the spell again after class?"

"No... twice is enough. I'll just... try to wait for Spike to let me know when he's ready to talk," Buffy said forlornly. She decided to stop chasing Spike all over town. He obviously hadn't been attacked and wounded by an unknown party, he was moving around town fast. That meant he just didn't want to talk to her. Buffy would have to be patient and understanding and let him come to her... though she was afraid of what he'd say when he finally chose to speak to her. Buffy had trouble waiting for anything, she much preferred to take action instead of sitting around -- that was another thing she had in common with Spike.

Willow spoke, bringing Buffy out of her thoughts. "We were gonna go to the Bronze tonight for an 'after exam' celebration, you want to meet us? I can give you the poem back there."

"I'm really not in a dancin' kinda mood, Will."

"Yeah... I guess not. Sorry. What about the Magic Box? You could stop in and --"

"Uh-uh." Buffy shook her head, though Willow couldn't see it over the phone. "No way am I facing Xander with things being the way they are with me and Spike. I'll likely kick him in the 'nads if he laughs or seems happy about it... then Anya would freak out... it wouldn't be pretty."

"Ah, okay... right, no Magic Box."

Then Buffy reconsidered about the Bronze, thinking that maybe Spike would be there. It wouldn't be a case of her chasing him down if she 'just happened' to be there at the same time as him. "What time were you going to the Bronze? I could stop by before patrol."

"Around eight o'clock."

"Okay, I'll see you then. Thanks for the help, Willow. I really appreciate it."

"I just wish my help was... you know, _helpful_ ," Willow said with a sigh.

"What you've done _has_ been helpful," Buffy assured her. "I'm not afraid someone or something hurt Spike at the crypt after I left. I'm the only one who hurt him... Spike must've caused all that damage I saw himself. So now I'm not worried that he was attacked, I'm just worried I hurt him so much that I made him go crazy. I seem to have that effect on men... and not in a good way."

Willow's heart went out to Buffy, she wished she could do more to help her friend. "I could do a spell that would keep him from leaving wherever he is until you get there," Willow ventured. "It would freeze him -- not the cold kind of freezing -- to the spot he's standing on until I release him."

"Can you imagine how pissed Spike would be about that?" Buffy asked, shaking her head no. She remembered Spike taking strong objection to them suggesting using a truth spell to make him remember and divulge details about the Initiative; Buffy knew he wouldn't take kindly to being manipulated by magick. And then she'd have a whole new subject to have an unpleasant discussion with him about -- she had enough of those already. That night at the mansion, Drusilla hadn't thought twice about manipulating Spike (physically or psychically), Buffy didn't want to be guilty of that; she never wanted to hurt Spike again. "It's tempting to make him stay where he is until I get there, but it would only make things worse... if that's possible."

* * *

That night, Buffy got to the Bronze at 8:30. Spotting Willow and Tara, she went over to their table and sat with them. After the usual 'hellos' and 'how are yous', Willow gave Buffy the poem back, apologizing again for not being able to help her find Spike.

"You tried," Buffy assured her as she carefully tucked the poem back into her wallet. The poem might be the only thing Spike ever writes for her, it may be the only piece of his heart she’ll ever have now... she wanted to protect it. If only she’d worried about protecting his actual heart as much... if only she’d realized she loved him sooner... if only she’d been strong enough to fight Evil Twin Buffy and Insecure Buffy or...

"You haven't heard from Spike yet, huh?" Tara brought up the subject with a sympathetic frown, pulling Buffy from her thoughts.

Buffy shook her head. "Nothing. I don't know what to do... I can't stand the thought that he's out there, somewhere, hating me or thinking I hate him. But he could just need some time before he feels ready to talk to me about what happened, and if I track him down before he's ready it might make things worse." 

Tara and Willow sighed and nodded, not envying the Slayer her position.

"I was kinda hoping I might see Spike here tonight," Buffy admitted, glancing around. "But I have patrolling to do, I can't sit here all night waiting to see if he comes or not." She felt guilty seeing the mopey expressions on her friends' faces, she didn't want to depress them too. Buffy joked, "Maybe I should set up a box trap using a blooming onion and spicy wings as bait to lure Spike out from wherever it is he's hiding."

The witches smiled, glad that Buffy was trying to keep her sense of humor. 

"We'll call you right away if we see him while we're here," Tara promised.

"Uh-oh..." Willow muttered, looking over Buffy's shoulder nervously.

Buffy looked where Willow's eyes were directed and saw Xander approaching their table. She groaned, closed her eyes and let her head droop down.

"Please don't kick him in the... um... privates, Buffy," Willow pled anxiously, afraid Xander would say or do something stupid again... the odds of that happening were pretty good.

Buffy looked up at Xander as he got to the table. "No promises."

"Hello, ladies." Xander sat down with them. Anya was working, so he was glad to see his friends here; it was depressing to be at a club all by yourself. And Xander was glad to see Buffy in particular, he needed to talk to her. "Any good bands playing tonight?"

Buffy sighed. He hadn't started an anti-Spike rant yet, but she knew it was just a matter of time. "Not in the mood today, Xander. Don't start."

"What? All I said was..." Xander paused, seeing how tired and unhappy Buffy looked. "I wasn't going to start anything, Buff. Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm great. I've gotta get going." Buffy started to stand up.

"Wait, Buffy." Xander motioned for her to sit back down. "I promise I won't argue with you again, but there is something I need to say."

She sat back down and crossed her arms. "What?"

Xander began to talk, then cleared his throat and started again. "I wanted to, uh, tell you I'm sorry about yesterday."

Willow and Tara both slumped a bit in relief; they'd been certain Xander was going to say some unkind things about Spike again. And, with the mood Buffy was in, he surely would've gotten knocked on his ass for it.

Buffy raised her eyebrows, wondering if he truly was sorry and what exactly he was sorry for. She stayed quiet, letting him continue, sure that if she gave him enough rope, he'd hang himself with it -- he usually did.

"I... I acted like a jackass. I swear, my motives were good, but... I didn't mean to get you so upset."

"You deserved to get punched, you know that don't you?" Buffy asked. "If someone said things like that to you about you and Anya, you wouldn't've let them get away with it."

"Yeah..." Xander looked down guiltily. "I got... carried away. I wanted to make Spike attack me so you'd see the real him."

"That was so stupid, Xander." Buffy shook her head. "And it was really insulting to me -- like I'm too stupid to choose my own boyfriends? You really don't think I've thought about the possible risks and dangers of getting involved with Spike? It was like you were spitting in my face."

"I know what I did was stupid... and disrespectful to you, and I really am sorry for it. I still think you dating Spike is a mistake..." At Buffy's dark expression, he quickly added, "But that's your choice, not mine. You've been good to me and respected my decisions, so... that's what you deserve from me too."

"Well, it's about damn time you started thinking that way," Buffy snapped testily. Then her expression softened as she realized it was a good thing that Xander was at least apologizing for what he did. Nothing would ever get any better if she acted all huffy and unforgiving. "...Better late than never, though. I hope this means you're not going to give me a hard time about Spike anymore _and_ you'll be nicer to him?"

Xander nodded. "I'll find a way to get along with him. The only reason I did what I did was... I'm afraid you're going to get hurt again, Buffy. You've been kicked around so much... I was trying to protect you the only way I could."

Buffy smiled sadly. She knew Xander loved her; they were more than friends, they were family. His heart might've been in the right place, he'd just gone about it in a really stupid, mean way. "Oh, Xander," she said, patting his hand on the table, "you sweet, stupid, misguided ass."

He looked at her questioningly, not sure if she was forgiving him or just insulting him. Well, she said he was 'sweet', that part was good. 

"I love you for wanting to protect me, but I'm a big girl. I'm capable of choosing my own boyfriends and what's best for me. You can't treat me or the man I love like that, Xander. You _have to_ at least be civil to Spike or I'll go completely insane."

Xander's face went blank. "Did you say 'the man I l-lo'..." He couldn't quite get his mouth to form the words.

Buffy hadn't meant to admit that in front of Xander, but it felt so natural to say it now. After the breakthrough with Tara last night, Buffy had no trouble saying it out loud (and, more importantly, really feeling it). She'd find out for sure if Xander meant what he'd said, now that the 'love' cat was out of the bag. 

"Yeah, I did. I realized I'm in love with Spike last night. Got something smart or mean to say about it?" Buffy challenged, raising an eyebrow. "Was your apology and promise just some bullshit you said to make me not mad at you anymore?"

Xander took a few moments to gather his composure. He couldn't let his emotions take over his mouth, he'd say something to upset Buffy again. He thought, _'Oh God, what I did made her feel closer to Spike... I think I'm going to be sick... I pushed her right into his arms! Nice goin', Xander, you idiot! I've got no choice now, I have to... accept Spike or I'll lose Buffy as a friend.'_

"I don't have all night, Xan." Buffy looked at her watch then back up at him expectantly.

"You l-love him, huh? That's... something." He swallowed hard. "I'll really try to get along with him... for you."

"Thank you," Buffy replied. She really hoped he meant it. But Xander's reluctant acceptance might be for nothing, Spike might not even want her anymore... like in that horrible nightmare.

"Are we cool again?" Xander asked hopefully.

Buffy smiled and nodded. "Yeah, we're cool. But you have to apologize to Spike too -- and you still owe him a pint of blood or beer from the _last_ time you owed him an apology."

Xander grimaced for a second at the thought of apologizing to the snarky vamp, but he nodded. "Yeah... I'll apologize with the actual words 'I'm sorry'. Is he here?" he asked nervously, looking around. Part of Xander still railed against apologizing to Spike -- it just didn't seem _right_ \-- but in the interest of keeping peace, he'd do it. It was going to be hard to not bash Spike's head in when he smirked that self-satisfied, annoying Spike-smirk of his...

"No, Spike's... Spike's doing his own thing tonight," Buffy hedged. "It's good for couples to spend a little time apart, it makes them... miss each other." She didn't feel confident enough to tell Xander what was really going on with her and Spike. He still might smile and she still might have to kick him in the balls. Buffy gave Willow and Tara a look that said 'I don't want Xander to know what's going on', and they nodded to show they got the message.

Xander joked, "Y'know, I thought about calling you on your cell phone last night to apologize, but I couldn't remember your number. The only number I could think of was 867-5309 -- damn that Tommy Tutone."

Buffy smiled and snorted softly, laughing along with Willow and Tara. Everyone relaxed a bit more and they got a round of drinks. Buffy thought it couldn't hurt to hang around the club a little longer, just in case Spike got peckish for one of those onion thingies.

"Buffy, can I ask you something?" Xander asked. She nodded. "You weren't really going to get in Anya's face last night, were you?"

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "No, I wouldn't've said mean things to Anya because of what you did. I was just... angry and frustrated. I wanted to scare you and make you think about how unfair you were being to me and Spike."

"You definitely scared the bejeezus outta me... And then Tara, Willow, and Giles said some stuff to me," he said, glancing at the two witches. "One of the nicest people I've ever met pretty much called me an asshole, that kind of thing makes a guy think."

Tara blushed and looked down, still surprised with herself that she'd had the nerve to say what she did to Xander. She was glad she'd said it, though.

Xander finished, "I did do a lot of thinking after that."

"You still hate Spike and think he's all wrong for me though, right?" Buffy asked.

"Well..." Xander stopped himself from saying 'That's right, I hate Spike and you're way too good for an evil, undead jerk like him'. "I told you I'll be... friendly. I'm going to keep my eye on Spike, but I won't push him like I did yesterday. No more fighting, that's my promise to you. I don't want to upset you again, and... I guess, since he says he loves you, Spike feels the same way."

Buffy sighed, and said, "Spike and I talked about this before and he told me how it is between you and him. I know you and Spike have a... complicated relationship, and I know you two enjoy sticking it to each other at every opportunity, so I'm --"

Xander held up his hands. "Whoa, what's Spike been telling you? I do not enjoy, nor have I ever, _stuck it_ to him -- or vice versa!"

Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. Why do men automatically think everything is about sex? "'Sticking it to' -- as in insulting and being mean to each other." 

Xander relaxed and lowered his hands. "Oh... okay, yeah... we do do that a lot." 

Willow lightly kicked Xander's leg under the table, looking at him with her red brows knit. 

"Ow!" Xander frowned and rubbed his leg. "Hey, what was that for?!"

"Are you saying there's something wrong with two people of the same gender 'sticking it to each other' in the _other_ sense?" Willow asked accusingly.

"N-no... of course not! There's just something wrong with _me and Spike_ sticking our... uhhh... sticking _anything anywhere_ near... each other," Xander stammered. _'Other than a pointy stick...'_ his mind added involuntarily, making him wince at the visual that conjured up.

"Can someone start talking about something else please? Here are a few, more pleasant subjects we can discuss: war atrocities, dead puppies, or how I walked in on my parents playing naked Twister when I was eight and the resulting nightmares I had because of it."

Willow giggled. "You're so easy to guilt! I was just kiddin'."

"You're pure evil, Will," Xander said, shaking his head. "It's not nice to guilt us poor straight people."

"Okay guys, I've gotta go for real this time." Buffy stood up from the table. "The town ain't gonna patrol itself... be nice if it did, though."

"You want some company?" Xander asked.

"Thanks, but I'd rather go it alone tonight. See ya, guys." They said goodbye as the Slayer made her way through the club. 

Before she went for the front door, Buffy took a detour to the bar. It wouldn't hurt to ask a bartender if they'd seen Spike.

A female bartender with short, black hair and a nametag that read ‘Bridget’, asked Buffy, “What can I get you?”

“Uh, hi. I don't want a drink. I have a question, if that’s okay?”

Bridget shrugged. “Shoot.”

“Do you know a guy named Spike? He comes in here a lot.”

“Spike?” The bartender thought about it as she fixed a drink for another customer. She shook her head. “No, don’t think so. Sorry.” She started to turn away.

Buffy added, “He's a British guy with platinum blond hair, he's fond of spicy wings and blooming onions. Usually wears a long leather coat?”

The bartender smiled. “Oh, _that’s_ Spike? I never caught his name. Mmmhmm, _of course_ I remember him. The hair, cheekbones, accent, and those heavenly blue eyes -- how could I forget him? He’s sex on a stick.”

Buffy pushed aside the jealousy that rose up inside her at the woman’s obvious attraction to Spike. “Yeah... he’s a hottie. Have you seen him tonight? I’m looking for him, it’s important.”

"He was in here a little while ago, maybe a half hour."

“Dammit,” Buffy muttered under her breath, slapping a hand down on the bar. “Did you talk to him?”

“I served him a beer, that’s about it. It didn’t seem like he was in the mood for conversation, he looked pissed off about something. He usually flirts and gives me a sexy smile to see if he can get a free drink, this time he was just... kinda broody. You know if he's seeing anybody? Maybe he just needs the right gal to come along and 'cheer him up', if you know what I mean." Bridget raised and lowered her eyebrows.

Jealousy burned in the pit of Buffy's stomach; she did not like the fact that Spike apparently made a habit of flirting with other women. And, of course, those other women responded favorably to the flirty-ness of a gorgeous English guy. Buffy got a mental image of herself punching Bridget in the throat and saying, 'Spike's _mine_ , don't even think about touching him, bitch!' But Buffy made an effort to keep a friendly smile on her face and rein in her hostility. She needed information from this woman, and info would be hard to come by if Bridget was clutching her throat, writhing around on the ground and gasping for breath.

"Yeah, he's seeing me," Buffy answered, somehow still keeping a smile in place and managing to not sound as annoyed as she felt.

"Oh... well, congrats." Bridget sighed. "Sorry about that 'sex on a stick' comment... All the hot ones are either taken or gay. I should've guessed he wasn't available..."

Buffy reminded herself of her objective: To find Spike. Being jealous would have to wait. “You think he might still be here?” she asked as she looked around. Her pulse started to race, she might finally get to talk to Spike in person.

"I think he went out the side door, not sure though. I'm busy working, I can't just watch the hot guys all night -- as much as I'd like to. Now _that_ would be a great job, huh? Good luck finding him." The bartender went to the other end of the bar to take more orders.

"Shit," Buffy mumbled. She stood on her tiptoes, trying to see over people's heads and hoping to catch a glimpse of hair as bright as the sun. But Buffy wasn't wearing heels, her shortness was a problem. 

She thought, _'Maybe I can *sense* him if I concentrate? I was able to feel when Angel was around sometimes, maybe I can feel Spike too.'_

Buffy closed her eyes and focused her mind on Spike. She pictured him smiling at her and couldn't help smiling a little herself. She recalled his scent, inhaling deeply through her nose. She extended her Slayer senses around her. But Buffy wasn't getting anything that said 'Spike' -- no tingles, no whiff, no nothing.

Buffy sighed and her shoulders drooped in disappointment -- she opened her eyes and blew out a long breath as she headed for the side door where Bridget said Spike had gone. She already knew Spike wouldn't be there, but she had to check anyway. As she expected, the alleyway was deserted. There were some cigarette butts near the mouth of the alley, Spike's brand. 

Memories flashed in her mind -- this was the first place she'd spoken to Spike. After she'd killed that minion, Spike had emerged from the shadows, clapping his hands.

_"Nice work, luv."_

_"Who are you?"_

_"You'll find out on Saturday."_

_"What happens on Saturday?"_

_"I kill you."_

That hadn't been a very promising way to start their relationship...

Buffy remembered her first thought at seeing him, _'Hello, salty goodness!'_ That attraction had been squashed almost immediately, of course, once she'd understood that Spike was a new threat and not just some hot, new British guy in town. Over the years Buffy had gone from thinking Spike was gorgeous, to hating and fearing him, to tolerating (but still hating) him, to being back to thinking he's gorgeous, and now being in love with him. Spike's feelings for her had gone through the same kinds of phases, only he'd gotten there first and a lot sooner. Buffy's heart had finally caught up with his, but she couldn't find him to tell him. 

"Dammit, Spike..." Buffy muttered as she walked out of the alley. "Where the hell are you?"

* * *

Buffy patrolled and did her job, but she was just going through the motions. Her heart just wasn't in slaying baddies tonight. She stopped to check the crypt again, but it didn't seem that Spike had been back since the last time Buffy was there.

Buffy took out her cell phone, leaving another message for him. 

"Are you doing this to punish me? Then consider me punished! I've been sick worrying about you and what you'll say to me. I keep wondering if the right thing to do is call you and try to find you or if I should give you some space -- I still don't know which one is right.

"Not hearing from you is making me crazy, Spike... I know you must be angry and hurt, and I hate that I made you feel that way. We've been through so much together, we've both changed so much to get to where we are... don't let it end this way. 

"Why is it that when I hated you I couldn't get rid of you -- but now that I... now that I want you around, I can't find you? Give me a chance to make it up to you. Do you want me to beg? Okay, I'm begging... please call me."

With a sigh, Buffy left the crypt and went home.

* * *

Buffy hung her jacket up on a hook near the front door. 

Dawn was on her way up to bed when Buffy came in. "Hey, Buffy. Did you have a good patrol?"

"Yeah, I guess," Buffy replied unenthusiastically. "I dusted a couple vamps." 

"Cool." 

As Dawn continued up to her bedroom, Buffy took her cell phone out and checked for any messages from Spike again. Buffy paled and stared at the cell phone. "Oh no..."

Dawn stopped and turned on the stairs. "What?"

"My phone's dead... I forgot to charge it. Spike might've been trying to call me!"

Dawn wondered why Buffy seemed so upset. "He knows our regular phone number, doesn't he?"

"Did he call here?" Buffy asked desperately.

"No... I would've told you if he called. What's going on?" Dawn asked. "Don't tell me you guys are fighting _again_?"

"Go to bed!" Buffy snapped angrily.

"Geez, sorry! I guess that's a 'yes'." Dawn made a face at her. "Another misunderstanding, huh? What did you do to him _this_ time?"

"Shut up!" Buffy scowled and went into the living room.

Dawn waited until Buffy disappeared into the other room before giving her the middle finger. If Spike were _her_ boyfriend she was sure there would be no 'misunderstandings'... ever!

Joyce was watching TV on the couch, she looked up when Buffy came into the living room. "What are you and Dawn fighting about now?" she asked with clear disapproval.

Buffy plopped down on the couch, pouting and crossing her arms. "Nothing."

"I heard you say Spike's name, and you sounded upset."

Buffy sighed, sinking down onto the couch cushion. "He won't talk to me and it's driving me crazy, Mom." Buffy was just too tired and frazzled to pretend things were okay.

Joyce turned off the TV and turned to the side to face Buffy. "You want to tell me what happened?"

"I-I don't know if I can." Buffy fidgeted. "I'd feel... weird talking to you about it."

"Weird?" Joyce's concerned frown turned into a look of understanding. "Does the problem you're having with Spike involve... sex?"

Buffy fidgeted again, answering Joyce's question without words.

"Oh. I know it's weird talking to your mom about love and sex, I was _extremely_ uncomfortable talking to my mother about things like that, too. But you can talk to me about _anything_ , even things that might make us feel awkward." She reached out and put a hand on Buffy's shoulder. "I let you down before by not being able to give you advice, I don't want to do that again. You can talk to me, Buffy."

"Last night... I realized I'm in love with Spike."

"That's... well, I was going to say it was great... But something went wrong?" 

Buffy sniffled. "I think Spike is either really angry and hurt or he hates me... I don't know which one because he won't talk to me."

Joyce was confused. "But... I thought Spike would be overjoyed if you told him you loved him. That seemed to be what he wanted most in the world when I talked to him."

"I didn't tell him yet. I didn't realize it until... later. I had a talk with Tara, she helped me figure some stuff out. But that was after... a bad thing happened." Buffy brought her legs up on the couch, progressively curling into a smaller ball.

"What happened, Buffy?" Joyce asked gently.

Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "I made a fool out of myself. Spike and I were..." her eyes darted to and then away from her mother, "we were, y'know... fooling around." She ducked her head, feeling like she might (and kinda wishing she would just) burst into flame with embarrassment. 

Joyce put aside her natural parental tendency to be squeamish at the thought of her baby having sex. She reminded herself that 'her baby' wasn't a baby anymore. She nodded then waited for Buffy to continue. 

"It was great for a while... but then I totally wigged out. I pushed Spike away, I couldn't stop crying, I felt like I couldn't breathe. I ran away like a stupid kid... Tara said I had a panic attack, I guess that's what I had."

"What made you panic?" Joyce asked.

"I couldn't stop thinking about the bad things that happened in my other relationships... I just kept hearing and seeing all the bad stuff that's happened until I couldn't take it anymore. I was afraid the same things would happen with Spike if I let myself get too close to him. I should just join a convent, I'm no good at relationships."

"Honey, you just had some bad luck, that's all. You're a beautiful, sweet, smart girl, the right man will see and appreciate how special you are."

"That's the thing... I _found_ the right man and I pushed him away. I've called Spike, I've searched around town for him... he doesn't want to see or talk to me. For all I know, he could've left town by now. He looked so hurt and afraid when I ran away... I see that look on his face every time I close my eyes."

Joyce hugged her. Buffy leaned against her mother, resting her head against her shoulder like she'd done when she was a little girl and needed comforting.

"Oh sweetheart, it'll be okay," Joyce said, stroking Buffy's hair. "Sometimes when men have their egos bruised, they have to go off somewhere and lick their wounds for a while. But I believe Spike will be back. You'll have your chance to explain, and, if he's the man you think he is, he'll understand."

Buffy sniffled, nodding slightly and telling herself it would all work out somehow and trying her best to believe it.

"Does the thought of letting yourself be close to Spike still scare you like it did last night?" Joyce asked, still soothingly stroking Buffy's hair.

"Yes and no... I know I love him now, there's no going back from that, but I'm still afraid I'll get my heart broken again. I don't know what I'll do if I lose Spike."

"I was married to your father for seventeen years, and I was absolutely _terrified_ about having to start all over again. I didn't feel pretty or the least bit desirable. I didn't think any other man would ever want me -- and if one did, I didn't know if I could ever trust someone like I trusted Hank in the beginning. I know how getting hurt or betrayed makes you want to avoid putting yourself out there again."

"What gave you the courage to try dating again?" Buffy looked up at her. She wanted to ask, but didn't, if her father had cheated on her mom with another woman. Buffy didn't want to think even less of her father than she already did.

Joyce sighed. "I don't know... I guess I just didn't want to shut myself off from that part of life. The need to love and be loved is one of the things that makes us all human. If we don't take the risk of getting our hearts broken, we won't get hurt -- but then there's also no possibility of closeness or love. You have to risk the bad to have any chance of the good, Buffy."

Buffy nodded. She was still scared, but ready to take that leap of faith. She was now more afraid of losing Spike than she was of getting hurt. "I've also worried about how... y'know... _experienced_ Spike is compared to me. I want everything to be perfect... I don't want to let him down."

"Oh..." Joyce cleared her throat, pushing those unsettled Mom feelings away again; her daughter needed advice. "You're afraid you'll be... not good?"

Buffy nodded again, not able to look her in the eye. "Um, actually... rewind! Forget I said that -- we can talk about something else."

"No, if that's bothering you then we can talk about it. While I'm sure that's part of what Spike wants, I don't think that's _all_ he wants from you. You don't have to be 'perfect', Buffy. I got the impression that what would make Spike happiest is for you to show you trust him enough to be vulnerable with him. He put his feelings out there... he opened up to you and made himself vulnerable," Joyce pointed out. 

"Yeah... but being vulnerable is scary for me," Buffy admitted. 

"It's scary for everyone, honey... you just have to go on faith, trust that he won't hurt you," Joyce advised.

Buffy sighed and rubbed wearily at her eyes. "I do trust Spike, and I'm as ready as I'm ever gonna be to be Vulnerable Girl. But now that I'm ready, he's nowhere to be found... he's probably off somewhere sticking rusty pins in a little Buffy-doll. He hates me, I just know it -- he may never talk to me again, and I really can't blame him. I have the worst damn luck..."

"He'll be back, honey," Joyce reassured her. "I doubt Spike hates you and never wants to speak to you again because of what happened. The things he said when I questioned him about your relationship... that wasn't a man who was going to give up. Love like that doesn't just disappear because of an unpleasant experience, and I do believe he loves you. I don't know what's going through Spike's head right now, but I know you'll hear from him or see him again soon."

"I hope you're right."

They were quiet for a minute.

Joyce asked, "Did I tell you I might be getting asked out on a date soon? I'll be taking another one of those leaps of faith."

Buffy smiled and pulled away to look at her mother. "No, you didn't tell me. That's great, Mom! Is it a cute doctor you met at the hospital? If he's a cute, _rich_ doctor, you have my permission to marry him. And try to slip into conversation that I never got the pony I wanted when I was little." Buffy winked at her.

Joyce laughed and shook her head. "He's not a doctor, but he _is_ cute. His name's Brian and he works at a publishing house. I met him the other day when I stopped in the gallery to say hello to everyone. I must've looked like I was working because he came up to me and asked a question about these antique cameos. I didn't know anything about them, Carol's done the ordering while I've been out sick. But he didn't know anything about them either, so we had a lot to talk about."

"Did he ask for your number?" Buffy sat Indian-style next to her on the couch, happy and interested to hear this news. For a few minutes, she had something good and positive to think about instead of dwelling on her own problems. 

"I think Brian's a little shy, which is so adorable. It turns out he's friends with Carol," Joyce explained. "She wants to play matchmaker; she invited me out to dinner with her, her husband, and some friends -- including Brian -- tomorrow night. She said Brian _likes_ me." Joyce suppressed a girlish giggle. There was nothing like an attractive man taking an interest to make a mature woman feel like a blushy schoolgirl again. "Carol also said I should expect him to ask me for a date by the end of the night."

"Ooh, he _likes_ you," Buffy teased, poking Joyce on the arm. "So, I take it you said yes to the dinner invitation?"

Joyce nodded. "It's been a while since I had a night out or got together with my friends... and it's been even _longer_ since I spent time with a handsome man. I'm looking forward to it, but it does make me kinda... shaky."

"It'll be fine, Mom," Buffy said, giving Joyce's knee a pat and a rub. "And you _so_ deserve to go out and have fun."

"However things turn out with Brian -- if we make a love connection or we find out we don't like each other as much as we thought we would -- I'm going to take the risk, because that's _living_. Life is full of danger and pitfalls and possible heartbreak... but there're so many good things too. If we don't take chances, we never find out what might've been. Life really is too precious... too short, to not take those chances while we can. If you don't reach for the brass ring, you'll never have any chance of grabbing it."

Buffy smiled, knowing her mother was right. And if her mom was brave enough to keep taking chances (after a divorce, and a brain tumor), then Buffy could follow her example and _live_ while she had the chance... reach for that elusive brass ring of happiness.

"Listen to me..." Joyce sighed, shaking her head. "We're supposed to be talking about the things that are upsetting you, and I'm going on and on about a possible date."

"It's okay, Mom. It's _more_ than okay. You don't know how happy it makes me to hear you talking about regular stuff like cute guys and possible date-age." Until Joyce had gotten a clean bill of health, Buffy was afraid her mother would never get to resume a normal life... let alone start dating again and going out with her friends. Her mother's life wasn't all hospitals, doctors, medications, and tests anymore. This was a very happy occasion.

"It's nice to talk about things that have nothing to do with hospitals," Joyce joked.

Buffy nodded in agreement.

"It feels _great_ to be getting back to my old self again." Joyce held Buffy's hand, her eyes getting a bit shiny. "I couldn't have gotten through the last few months without you, Buffy. You've been wonderful -- I'm so proud of you for how strong you were for me and your sister. You had us and the house to take care of on top of your Slayer duties, and school... I don't know how you managed. I'm so sorry I had to put you in that position."

Buffy's eyes were getting a bit shinier too, she gave Joyce's hand a gentle squeeze. "Please, Mom, it's not like you _chose_ to get sick." College hadn't been a priority for Buffy for some time now; at best, she went to a few classes a week. And when she did go, she felt completely lost and out of sync with the other students. But, as much as she regretted not living the college life, being close to home with her mom and Dawn was the most important thing right now -- school had taken (and would take) a backseat in Buffy's life a while longer. Her mother was almost all better now, but Buffy figured she'd better wait until the situation with Glory was settled to resume going to classes full-time. "I'm just glad I could help. You're the one who had to go through the whole thing... I'm proud of _you_ \-- you're a tough chick."

Mother and daughter hugged each other.

"I love you, Buffy Anne. I'm lucky to have you for a daughter."

"Love you too, Mom," Buffy responded, her voice cracking with emotion.

"You need to talk about Spike some more?"

"No... I think I'm okay now. All I have to do is wait for that stubborn, broody vampire to finish licking himself -- licking his wounds, I mean -- and then I can try to fix the problems."

They released the hug and smiled as they wiped away their tears.

"So, you think you and your sister can whip up dinner by yourselves tomorrow?" Joyce asked.

Buffy rolled her watery eyes. "Mom, I've made dinner lots of times over the last few months. I'm a grown woman, I think I can make one little meal."

Joyce raised an eyebrow. "You want me to leave you money to get takeout from Madame Chow's?"

"Would you?" Buffy grinned. "Just because I _can_ cook dinner doesn't mean I won't weasel out of it if possible."

* * *

Buffy took a bath and then got ready for bed. The talk with her mother made her feel more optimistic, but it was wearing off a little now that Buffy was alone with her thoughts and worries again.

She left another message for Spike, calling him from the regular phone in her room.

"Me again. My phone is recharging. I thought maybe you tried to call me... You can call the house if I don't answer my cell phone.

"If I don't hear from you by morning... well, I guess there's nothing I can do. It's been over twenty-four hours since I heard from you... can't you just call me to let me know if you're alright? Can't you do that one little thing for me? Maybe I don't even deserve that much... but... please, Spike, I'm really worried about you."

Buffy sighed heavily. "That's all I have to say... for now. Call me."

After plugging her cell phone into the charging unit, Buffy picked up Mr. Gordo and climbed into bed wearily. She turned onto her side, pulling her knees up to her chest, and hugged the stuffed pig tightly. It had always made her feel better to have her favorite stuffed animal with her, it reminded her of simpler times, when the hardest decision she had to make was whether to have Cocoa Puffs or Cocoa Crispies for breakfast and her biggest heartaches involved not having any Hershey's Syrup to go on top of her ice cream after dinner.

Buffy tried to clear her mind of conscious thought. The pitter-pat of raindrops on the window caught her attention. 

"Raining again?" Buffy muttered. She didn't recall it raining as much as it had the past few days in Sunnydale; it certainly seemed to match her mood, though -- gloomy and gray. _'Spike's out in the cold rain alone again...'_

She groaned and rolled over onto her other side. "He'll come to me... I just have to wait until he's ready," she tried to assure herself. Waiting really wasn't her strong suit, but she had made Spike wait... now it was her turn to find her inner Buddha and be patient.

Buffy started to drift off to sleep when she suddenly felt a tingle run down her spine. It was the kind of feeling she'd been hoping to get when she was in the Bronze looking for Spike. Could she be sensing that he was nearby?

Buffy jumped out of bed and went to the window. Condensation from the rain had fogged up the windowpane. She rubbed a clear circle in the glass with her hand and looked out at the tree she used to catch Spike under all the time. 

Lightning flashed as she searched the area around the tree, hoping to see Spike. But there was no one there.

Buffy heaved a sigh, resting her forehead against the cool glass for a moment. "Guess it was just wishful thinking... dammit."

She got back into bed, holding onto Mr. Gordo and the hope that tomorrow would be a better day -- she'd get to talk to Spike. Buffy thought she'd have to fight the urge to punch him for making her a nervous wreck for an entire day. Nope, no punching or kicking (no matter how much she'd want to slap him by the time he finally came out of hiding). She would throw her arms around him and kiss him, and tell him that she loved him. They'll talk about what happened and why, Spike will understand about her fears and he will still love her. 

Buffy dozed off, thinking positive thoughts.

* * *

Buffy felt someone kiss her shoulder. She gasped and turned her head to see Spike lying next to her in bed. He was under the covers with her and spooned against her back. He was shirtless, and bottomless too from what she could feel pressed against her butt.

Spike smiled at her as he continued pressing soft kisses to her shoulder. 

"Spike... what are you doing?!" she whispered with wide eyes. Buffy was shocked to discover him in bed with her... but her body was already responding in a very positive way.

"What's it look like I'm doin'?" he asked with an amused smile, lifting his scarred brow. "Saw you lookin' adorable, all warm and cozy... snug as a bug, and couldn't resist climbing in with you."

"I-I couldn't find you, I looked everywhere... I thought you left me."

His fingertips stroked slowly up and down her arm, he kissed her cheek. "Shame on you, Buffy. You've gotta have faith. I'll always come back to you, pet. You should know by now, I can't stay away for long... I start havin' Buffy withdrawals. I love you... need you..." his voice became rough with passion, "...want you too bloody much to stay away." 

"God, Spike... I want you too," Buffy breathed, turning over onto her back. She put her arms around his neck and kissed him desperately. "Is this... is this a dream?" she asked between kisses. 

Yeah, Buffy realized, this was a dream. Spike wouldn't just sneak into her bedroom late at night, take off his clothes and get into bed with her -- especially not after how she'd freaked out when they'd gotten close to having sex last night. Buffy also knew she hadn't gone to bed nude, and yet she wasn't wearing a stitch of clothing at the moment.

Spike smirked and shrugged as he pulled the cover down to reveal Buffy's naked torso. "Dream or reality -- let's just go with it." He put his hand on her hip, skimming his fingertips up her body to surround a breast, then kneading it gently.

"I hope me realizing it's a dream doesn't make me wake up..." Buffy fretted. But a moment later she was swept up in another passionate kiss. This was a helluva lot better than her last Spike dream, she'd definitely go with this one. Her subconscious was finally giving her a break!

Buffy breathed in large gulps of air when Spike's mouth moved to her neck. He kissed and lightly sucked at the skin along her jugular vein.

"Do you trust me, pet?" Spike mumbled against her skin.

"Yes." Buffy moaned, running her hands over his back. She'd needed this so much -- feeling Spike on top of her, his smooth skin under her hands, his perfect, naked, muscular body pressed against hers, his scent surrounding her. "Trust you... love you."

Spike raised his head, looking at her with golden eyes. He touched his fangs with the tip of his tongue. "Still trust me?"

Buffy touched his cheek and gazed at his demonic visage. His amber eyes were kind of spooky and disconcerting at first glance, but Buffy could see Spike's love and passion for her shining in them. "Yes." She turned her head, exposing her neck to him. She had a feeling Spike would be able to bite her in this dream... but she trusted him not to do it. Hopefully, this dream version of Spike wouldn't turn on her like the last one had.

Spike dipped his head down, licking a long, slow line up the side of her neck. Buffy moaned and shivered, getting hotter and wetter by the second. There was a little fear, but that only made it more exciting. He gently took her earlobe between his sharp teeth and nibbled.

"I love you," Buffy whispered.

"Love you too, Slayer," he whispered back. Spike trailed his tongue back down her neck, continuing down to her breasts. After giving them a few licks and nibbles, his mouth moved down her stomach. "Need to taste you, Buffy," Spike murmured, then circled her belly button with his tongue.

Buffy parted her thighs, inviting him to move further south. Spike settled between her legs, placing kisses to her hipbones and massaging her thighs with his hands.

Buffy tapped on the top of his head. "Um, Spike?" She bit her lip nervously when he looked up at her. "I still trust you and everything, but... could you go back to your non-pointy teeth while you're down there? I don't want any unintentional piercings." 

Spike laughed, morphing back to his human features. "Better?"

Buffy grinned and nodded. "Mmmhmm. As you were," she said, gently pushing his head back down.

"Ohh yes," Buffy moaned and wriggled at the first touch of his tongue on her slit. "Make love to me, Spike." 

Spike growled lustily, taking her ass in his hands and driving his tongue into her channel. 

Buffy gasped and arched her back. "Ohhh! Ohh good dream -- _very_ good dream!" She continued to buck and moan wantonly as Spike fucked her with his long, nimble tongue. This was yet another wet dream where Spike went down on her... she mused that her subconscious must _really_ want it. Her conscious mind wanted it too, of course, but it was the subconscious that kept reminding her about it.

"Ohh yes, Spike... Mmmmm, yes! Eat my --" Buffy turned her head to the side, her heavy-lidded eyes flying open when she saw someone standing next to the bed -- it was the Cheese Man. "Argh! You again! Get out of here!" Buffy yelled, swinging her right arm at the intruder. She wasn't able to hit him though, he was standing just out of reach.

Spike raised his head, looking confused. "What? You want me to leave?"

"No, him!" Buffy pointed to the mysterious Cheese Man while pulling the covers over her nakedness. "If you say something bizarre about cheese, I'm gonna --" 

"The cheese stands alone," the man said enigmatically, shaking a slice of cheddar cheese at her.

Buffy woke up sweaty, alone, and very horny. She groaned. "That weird guy just had to show up and spoil a _good_ dream..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * I slightly changed how Joyce met Brian (the unseen date from 'I Was Made To Love You').
> 
> * I would've kept going with this chapter but it was already super-sized lol We'll get to Spike and see what he's been up to in the next one :)


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the super-long delay again! Good news: There are only a few more chapters left of the story. Yes, that's right - I am actually finishing it! lol From here on out, the updates will be about a week apart :) 
> 
> Banner by xoChantelly

 

The next morning started like the last: Buffy checked her messages and found nothing new from Spike. 

Buffy felt like a balloon that'd had all the air let out of it. She tried to bolster herself by repeating all the positive things her friends and her mom said; she tried to have faith in Spike and what they had together. But this was now Day Two of not hearing from him... it wasn't easy for her to believe things would be okay.

Buffy was still upset and worried, but now she was getting mad too. _'Yes, I did something that hurt his feelings... but he won't even give me a chance to explain?! I said how sorry I was like a million times! He'll be really lucky if I don't kick his shiny white ass when I see him again!'_

After that angry thought, she was back to feeling gloomy and just wanting to hold Spike in her arms. Buffy visualized the good scenario again -- Spike would come to her, he would listen to her and understand about her fears, he would still love and want to be with her. But was she setting herself up to be devastated by thinking so positively? Won't it hurt even more if he rejects her after she convinces herself there could be a happy ending? But she had to remain positive; she had to believe their problems weren't insurmountable... unlike all the other problems she'd faced with her other boyfriends. She sighed and rolled her eyes, thoughts like that weren't really helping...

"It'll be a miracle if I'm not totally insane by the end of this..." Buffy muttered to herself as she went downstairs for breakfast.

Buffy volunteered to drive Dawn to school again, since she had a class scheduled for this morning at the college anyway. Buffy also thought her mom was a little too preoccupied with going out tonight with friends for the first time since she'd been diagnosed. Joyce was already buzzing around the house nervously, but it was a happy kind of nervousness. Buffy and Dawn thought it was cute, and they were both just so pleased to see their mother looking forward to something and taking another big step toward resuming a normal life.

On her way out to the car, something told Buffy to check the area around the big tree in the front yard. She found a few soggy cigarette butts scattered around the base of the tree, Spike's brand again. Had they been there before... or was that tingly feeling she'd had last night genuine? Had Spike been here, looking up at her window and she just didn't see him in the dark?

The thought that he'd come that close without even trying to talk to her pissed Buffy off again. Was this some kind of game to him? Maybe this was his way of punishing her for hurting him -- giving her the silent treatment, making her wonder what he was thinking, making her afraid he didn't care about her anymore. 

Buffy took a deep breath, then let it out slowly. "That's stinkin' thinkin'. I've gotta have faith in him... Spike wouldn't do that to me."

While Buffy was investigating, Dawn had come out of the house. She stood next to the Jeep with her bookbag slung over her shoulder. "Could you talk to your friend the tree _after_ you drive me to school?" 

Buffy rolled her eyes and walked over to the car. "I wasn't talking to the tree, I was talking to myself."

"That's crazier than talking to a tree," Dawn commented as she got in the car.

"Yeah, well..." Buffy fastened her seatbelt, "I've been more crazed than usual the past few days."

"Um..." Dawn eyed the passenger side door handle. "Maybe Mom can drive me to school..."

"I'm not going to wreck the car, Dawn," Buffy assured her tiredly, starting up the Jeep.

"Why are you fighting with Spike again?" Dawn asked, cutting to the chase. 

Buffy glanced at her sister. "We're not fighting."

"Then why are you talking to yourself and looking all haggard?"

"Haggard?" Buffy frowned. She looked at herself in the rearview mirror. "I don't look _that_ bad... do I?"

"You guys need, like, couple's counseling or something." Dawn shook her head. "Or you could go on the Jerry Springer Show and let him help you work things out. Or maybe Dr. Phil."

"Relationships are... complicated, Dawn. At least _my_ relationships are... I'm waiting for Spike to call or come to see me, there's a lot things we need to talk about."

Dawn sighed.

"Yeah, I know... you'd never fight with him if _you_ were his girlfriend."

Dawn just shrugged, thinking, _'You got that right!'_

"I know I'm in love with Spike now," Buffy admitted, hoping Dawn wouldn't consider that bad news. "Haven't had a chance to actually _tell_ him yet, though."

"It's about time!" Dawn grinned and lightly swatted Buffy's arm. She knew she didn't have a chance with Spike, so she was happy to hear Buffy was finally ready to love Spike the way he deserved. "What took you so long?"

"Baggage from my unlucky romantic past was piled up in my mind... I was afraid to let myself love him. I'm still scared, but I really do need Spike in my life; I'll risk whatever bad things might happen. Spike's worth any amount of risk."

"I noticed when you were with Riley, you never got too upset about stuff... not like you did with Angel." Dawn kept to herself the fact that she'd made that observation to _Riley_ himself. Buffy was over the Enormous Hall Monitor (that was one of Dawn's favorite things Spike called him), but she still might get mad about Dawn saying that to Riley. "And now you and Spike are making each other spazz out every other day. Is that part of being in love? When a guy can make you all crazed and not want to eat or sleep... and yell at your wonderful, sweet little sister for no reason?" Dawn asked, raising an eyebrow.

Buffy sighed. "Yeah... those things do seem to be part of the 'love' package. Sorry I yelled at you last night... I was just frustrated and in a bad mood."

"It's okay. I'm sorry I said some mean stuff, too. Hmm, I guess one reason some people are sluts and jump from person to person just having fun, is 'cause they don't want to deal with the bad emotional stuff that comes with relationships."

"But there's great stuff about being close to someone and in love too," Buffy added, not wanting to scare her sister into avoiding serious relationships. "I wouldn't trade the time I've spent with Spike for anything... even if we can't work out our problems. Being with someone who only wants to make you happy... that's a wonderful thing to find. Spike made me feel happy, special, and... loved." Buffy sniffed, willing herself not to cry. She looked at her sister out of the corner of her eye. "By the way, you're not allowed to be a slut, so don't even think about it."

Dawn laughed. "Me, a slut? I'm so nervous just _talking_ to cute guys, it's all I can do to not puke on them."

Buffy smiled. "Good. That's how it _should_ be... at least for a few more years."

* * *

Buffy went to her class, and it wasn't too bad. She forced herself to focus on something else besides Spike for an hour. But after class was dismissed, she was right back to thinking about him.

She stopped at the crypt again, but there was still no sign Spike had been back there. Buffy was getting angry again. She whipped out her cell phone and called Spike's number. She wasn’t surprised at having to leave another message.

"Okay, now I'm getting pissed! Guess where I am _again_. I'm at the crypt and you're still not here. This is it -- I'm not coming back here hoping to find you! I'm tired of running around chasing my tail and getting nothing but disappointed every damn time. 

"I found cigarette butts under the tree in front of my house this morning. Were you there? If you were and didn't even try to talk to me, I'm gonna kick your ass! Oh, and I went to the Bronze last night and the bartender told me you left just before I got there. I've been one step behind you for almost two days now -- are you doing this on purpose to drive me insane?

"I know wigging out and running away was messed up and I’m sorry I hurt you, but avoiding me and giving me the silent treatment is intentional cruelty! I want to know if you're alright, but you won't even spare me a few seconds just to..." Buffy paused, getting her emotions under control. Spike wouldn't be _more_ inclined to call her back (eventually) if she was ranting and raving like a lunatic. 

In a calmer tone, Buffy went on to say, "I'm mad and frustrated... but I still want to see and talk to you, Spike. There are some important and _good_ things I need to tell you. I'm going crazy not knowing how you feel about me and what you’re thinking after what happened, it's... it's killing me," she said tiredly, her voice shaky. "So if you wanted to hurt me for hurting you... mission accomplished. Now can we please work on fixing things instead of hurting each other more? I know we can get past this... if you'll just talk to me. I hope I can see you soon... Bye."

Buffy heaved a sigh and put her phone away.

* * *

Buffy intended to go straight home, but she found herself parking outside Willy's bar instead. 

"I'm just checking in with Willy to see if he's heard rumors about any new demons in town, that's all." Buffy wondered why she was lying to herself -- she knew very well why she was going to 'check in' with Willy. She couldn't let go of the hope she'd find Spike. It was only early afternoon, the bar wasn't open for business yet, but she knew Willy would be in there.

"H-hey, Buffy!" Willy exclaimed nervously from behind the bar when she came through the door. His shifty eyes moved quickly around the room (to make sure there wasn't anything out in the open the Slayer might have a problem with) before settling on her. "What brings you here?"

There were a few demons in the bar already, quietly eating and drinking and talking amongst themselves.

"I thought you didn't open until later?" 

"Yeah, I've been openin' for lunch the past couple weeks. Business is boomin'! How about some fish fingers with my special homemade tartar sauce? Or just a drink? All on the house, of course!"

Even the thought of eating anything cooked here turned Buffy's stomach. "No thanks... all I want is information. I’m just checking in with you," Buffy said as she discreetly looked around the barroom. She glanced at the door to the back room, wondering if Spike had been in there recently or would be there tonight playing poker.

Buffy couldn't help but notice the song 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' was playing on the jukebox. _'Weird song to have on a jukebox in a demon bar...'_ she thought. She was about to ask Willy why the song was on the jukebox, when she found herself relating to the lyrics.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Hopelessly Devoted To You - Olivia Newton John ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hbFwQYnQGlQ)

}}

"Slayer?" Willy waved a hand in front of her face. "Anyone home?"

Buffy flinched, she'd been getting lost in thoughts of Spike again and hadn't heard what Willy said. Then she scowled at him. "I was just... thinking about something. What?" 

"I said it's been pretty quiet around here lately. Not much goin' on since you got rid of Drusilla -- great job on that, by the way! Havin' loose cannons like her around is bad for business. But I have heard something you might be interested in. Word on the street is..." he looked around and then leaned in closer, "there's a big bad that has lots of folks nervous."

Buffy resisted the urge to cringe away from Willy's lethal garlic breath, it was curling her nose hair. She grimaced and tried to breathe through her mouth. "Yeah? Know anything about this big bad?"

"Yeah, it's a hot chick, or it _looks_ like a hot chick, calls herself Glorificus. She hangs out with some ugly guys with really bad skin, they're like her servants or somethin'."

Buffy groaned and leaned away from him. "I know about Glory and her scabby minions already. Do you know anything _important_ about her or them?"

"Those scabby guys've been seen sneakin' around town. I've seen just about every kind of demon come through here, and those guys still give me the creeps. I guess I don't have any good gossip for ya," Willy said with a shrug.

"Has Spike been in here?"

"Why? He in some kinda trouble?" Willy asked curiously.

"Just answer the question," Buffy demanded, stone-faced.

"Sorry, Slayer, haven't seen him in here for about a week. Havin' trouble keeping that one on a leash, huh?" he chuckled. 

Buffy tried to keep her expression unreadable, she didn't want Willy to start spreading any gossip about her -- like how her relationship was on the rocks. 

"Wouldn't you know where he is better than me?" Willy asked. "You're his girl."

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "How'd you know that?" 

"I hear things," Willy replied simply, picking up a glass and polishing it with a cloth. "A Slayer dating a vamp is big news... well, usually it is. Not so much with you, of course, but... still, people talk."

"If you know what's good for you, you won't go around telling anyone about me and Spike dating," Buffy warned. The reason she didn't want Willy spreading the news about her and Spike being a couple was because she was afraid Spike would get even more flack from the demon community if it was common knowledge.

Willy made a lip-sealing gesture (which was almost as funny as when Anya did it -- nothing could shut up Willy the Snitch). He took her warning to mean that she was ashamed of her trysts with a lowly, evil vampire, and she didn't want anyone else to know. He could understand that; good girls like the Slayer didn’t like being outed as slutty, bad girls with low standards.

* * *

After calling Willow and telling her there was still no word from Spike, Buffy stopped by the garage where he kept his car. But the garage was locked up tight and no one was there. That was the last place Buffy could think of to look for Spike, she was officially out of ideas. Well, there was Spike’s friend Clem, he might have a clue as to the whereabouts of her broody boyfriend. But she had no idea how to get in touch with Clem, either.

Buffy drove back home, more frustrated and depressed than she'd been when she'd left.

* * *

Buffy was able to swing back into positive mode while she helped her mother pick an outfit for going out this evening. And then Dawn was home from school to help, too. They talked about fun, frivolous, girly things. Buffy was surprised she could smile so easily (or at all), but it was hard to not be in a good mood seeing her mom looking so happy and healthy. 

At six o'clock, Joyce gave each of her daughters a kiss (and $40 for Chinese food). She informed them that she wasn't sure what time she'd be home (it would depend on how much fun she was having), but promised to call if she thought she might be late.

Buffy and Dawn stood in the doorway and waved goodbye as Joyce pulled out of the driveway.

Dawn leaned her head against Buffy's shoulder, both girls smiling and a little misty-eyed. "It's so great that Mom's doing regular stuff again. I was so scared we'd lose her... but now I feel like everything's going to be okay again."

Buffy gave her sister's shoulder a squeeze and nodded. "I know what you mean, Dawnie."

* * *

They ordered a sinful amount of Chinese food and had it delivered. Dawn ate heartily while Buffy mostly picked at her food. It was delicious, she just didn't have much of an appetite.

Dawn cracked open her fortune cookie. "Ooh, it says: 'A financial windfall is coming your way'. Maybe it means I'll win the lottery or something..."

"It probably means you'll find a penny in a parking lot," Buffy muttered half under her breath.

"Oh, you're a bowl full of cheery goodness!" Dawn countered with a frown. "What's yours say?"

Buffy opened her fortune cookie. "It says: 'Take a leap of faith. Don't let your chance at true love pass you by'. Does that mean I missed it?" Buffy groaned. "Even the Chinese are against me..."

Dawn took another cookie out of the bag and handed it to Buffy. "Do another one."

Buffy sighed, humoring her sister. "It says... 'Something you lost will soon turn up'."

"That's better!" Dawn nodded. "Spike will turn up soon. Listen to the cookie, they _know_ things."

Joyce called shortly after Buffy and Dawn finished their dinner. She informed them she was having a great time. She thought she might be home late and the girls shouldn't wait up for her. Carol was having everyone back to her house for coffee and party games. 

For a moment, Buffy was a little upset that she'd have to stay home to watch over Dawn. _'Now I can't go out looking for that broody bastard Spike 'cos I have to watch Dawn. I mean, I can't go _patrolling_... I'm not knocking myself out searching for him anymore,'_ she corrected herself. But Buffy felt guilty for being selfish for even a few seconds -- protecting Dawn was Buffy's most important duty, and her mom really did deserve to have lots of fun and stay out as late as she wanted.

Buffy and Dawn zapped some popcorn and watched TV in the living room for a while after dinner. 

"I'd better go do my homework," Dawn groaned when the last of the popcorn was gone, and stood up.

"I didn't know you had homework. You should've started it earlier," Buffy chastised her, looking at the clock. It was about 9:30.

"I only have to read a chapter of my History book and make some notes for tomorrow. Will you be okay alone? I could stay if you want."

Buffy shook her head, smiling. "Don't worry about me, I can keep myself entertained for a while." She really wanted to ask Dawn to stay, she'd be less likely to fall into another pit of despair if she had someone to talk to. But she wasn't about to keep Dawn from homework just to keep her company. 

For a half hour Buffy tried just watching TV like a mindless zombie, but thoughts of Spike pushed their way back to the surface. She sighed and slumped on the couch. 

"Just think of the good things... and how we'll have a chance to do them again," Buffy admonished herself.

She thought about their first date and smiled. The dinner and the dancing, how they'd talked and laughed, those things were all so good. She felt warmer at remembering Spike's words of love in the hansom cab. He understood that one of her biggest fears was leaving the people she loved behind when she died. When she recalled how touched she'd been by his promises, Buffy realized she'd fallen completely in love with him at that moment. Unfortunately it had taken her a while to be self-aware enough to realize it and let herself feel it and admit it, her inner demons still had firm control over her until recently.

The cab ride had been such an unexpected and romantic surprise. Buffy wanted to repeat that date with Spike someday -- dinner, dancing, and a carriage ride around the park. She heard the clip-clop of horse hooves outside, at first thinking it was her imagination.

Buffy turned around, getting up on her knees on the couch and looking out the front window. She saw one of Clem's hansom cabs going past her house and continuing down the street. For just a second, Buffy's heart leapt, thinking Spike had borrowed one of the cabs to surprise her. But her heart sank when she saw there were no passengers in the carriage, just the driver. Judging by the driver's ponytail, it was Dave the stoner vamp again.

Then a thought occurred to her. _'I bet I can get Clem's number from Dave. That's his boss, he'd have to have a way to contact him if there was some kind of trouble. There's a chance Clem's seen Spike or knows where he is.'_

Buffy was off the couch in a flash and racing out the front door. She ran down the street after the hansom cab. "Wait! Stop!" she yelled.

Dave looked over his shoulder to see the Slayer running after him. His eyes widened. "Aw shit! She's gonna stake me!" he muttered. 

Dave whistled, trying to spur the horse into a run, but Rusty was trained to walk at a relaxed pace and wouldn't be rushed. 

Buffy growled at seeing Dave try to speed away instead of stopping. She ran faster, catching up with the cab and jumping into the back, sprawling on the floor of the cab. "Hey! I said stop, dammit!"

Dave finally did pull the cab over to the side of the road, then turned in the elevated seat to face Buffy. He held up his hands and pled with her, "I don't know what you heard, but I totally haven't been munching on people! I didn't do anything bogus, I swear!"

Buffy sighed as she got off the floor of the carriage and sat down properly on one of the seats. "I'm not going to stake you, dumbass." 

Dave lowered his hands and breathed out with relief. "Oh, cool. Whoa... fear is such a rush. My life was, like, flashing before my eyes! Whoa! Awesome!"

_'Some life... Get stoned, play Frisbee, get vamped, get stoned, get stoned some more, lather, rinse, repeat.'_ Buffy thought, rolling her eyes. "I just need to ask you something."

"You want me to hook you up? No problemo, babe! I can get you some bodacious doobage for a price so low you'll think the dealer's got brain damage... it's epic!"

"No, I don't want drugs," Buffy said tiredly, trying not to lose her patience. "I need to ask you two things. First, have you seen Spike?"

"You mean the legendarily gnarly vampire Spike? I told ya I know a few different dudes named --"

"Why the hell would I be asking about any other..." Buffy shook her head and groaned, growing more irritated. "Yes, Spike the vampire, the one I was on a date with."

"Sorry, babe, haven't seen him. That dude needs to chill, he's, like, totally aggro. I don't know what his beef is, but _whoa_ he could use some bliss. Sure you don't want me to hook you up? Spike needs to mellow out."

Buffy figured Dave seeing Spike was a long-shot, but she'd had to ask anyway. "My second question is, "Do you have Clem's number? And don’t call me ‘babe’... I am sooo _not_ your 'babe'."

"The boss is off tonight, incommunicado, nobody's supposed to call him about anything."

"I don't care, I need to talk to him. I'll say I forced you to give me his number -- which I _will_ if you don't give it to me in the next ten seconds."

"Uh, well... since you put it _that_ way..." Dave searched one of his coat pockets and brought out a piece of paper. Buffy was about to take it from him when he inspected it more closely. "Oh wait, this is a banana-flavored pape. Savin' that for later," he told her with a mindless grin. "Hold on, I know I got the number written down..." 

Buffy rolled her eyes as he searched through another pocket.

"Score!" Dave exclaimed in victory, handing her the piece of paper.

Buffy looked at the number. "Thanks."

"Make sure you tell Clem you, like, roughed me up for it. Hey, you want me to give you my digits? If you change your mind about the doobage? It's smart to have a backup connection."

"Thanks all the same, but I'll pass."

* * *

Buffy called Clem's number when she got back to the house. She waited as it rang several times, and she was afraid she'd be leaving another rambling phone message. Just when she was composing a message in her head, someone came on the line.

"What is it?" Clem growled, sounding annoyed. He was in the middle of a poker game, one of the few he'd been able to attend lately with his busy schedule.

"Uh... Hi, Clem. It's Buffy."

He paused, moving farther away from the poker table for more privacy. "Buffy? Um... hello. Just out of curiosity, how'd you get this number?"

"I caught one of your drivers and... I made him give me your number. I didn't kill him, though, don't worry."

"Oh... uhh, thanks. Well, then... what can I do for ya?"

"Have you seen Spike? I've been looking for him everywhere. I called him but he's not answering his phone."

"Yeah... I did see him a while ago at Willy's. That's where I am right now... playin' cards."

"I was there! That rat bastard Willy lied to me!" Buffy seethed. "I'm gonna beat his --"

"When were you here?" Clem asked since he hadn't seen her there.

"...This afternoon. He offered to serve me something called 'fish fingers' with special sauce. Fish don't even have fingers, unless they're some kind of mutant demon fish."

"Fish fingers are just fish sticks, they're not actual _fingers_ , though I'd still steer clear of any of Willy's food if I were you," Clem agreed. "Let me think... Spike was here about two hours ago... So I don't think Willy was lying for once."

"You saw him? How did he look? Is he okay? Do you know where he went?" Buffy asked one question after another in rapid succession. "I really need to talk to him, it's important."

"Um... Buffy, I don't wanna seem rude, but... don't you think you should just leave him alone?"

"...What?"

"Spike's feeling mighty low... y'know mopey, really down in the dumps after you guys broke up. I don't think he needs you heaping more gloom on him... And please don't slay me for talking to you like this, okay? Normally, I wouldn't, y'know, butt in... I'm just trying to look out for my buddy."

Buffy sighed. "Is that what he told you? That we broke up?"

"He said 'it's over' and went on about how he wanted to do something to prove his love for you was real. He said he'd unintentionally... hurt you in some way, but wouldn't tell me how."

"Do something to prove he loved me? Like what?"

"Yeah... well, that's what my squabble with him was about. He wasn't too happy with me by the time he left."

"What was the argument about?"

"He's got this... crazy plan to find Glory and kill her for you."

"Is he out of his mind?!"

"I think that's pretty much a given, yeah. He said he got his hands on some explosives and plans on blowing up Glory's lair -- blowing it up with him inside the place, too. He said he needed to be in the building to make sure Glory couldn't escape before the bomb went off. He was talking like he has nothing to live for... he even said I could have that sweet crypt of his..."

"Oh my God..." Buffy groaned, her heart constricting with fear. "Why? Why would he do something like that?!" She took several deep breaths to calm herself down. "Please tell me you were able to talk him out of it..." 

"I don't know, I sure tried though. I pointed out some definite flaws in his plan, and I thought I was getting through to him for a minute, but then he just got mad and tuned me out, said he had it all sussed out. That's why he was pissed at me. Spike's tough to persuade once he's got a strategy worked out in his head."

"You just let him leave after he said he was going on a suicide mission?"

"Did I 'let him' leave? No, I tried my best to make him forget his kooky plan. But he said he'd kick my flabby ass if I tried to stop him, so... what could I do? I'm hoping what I said to him has time to sink into that thick skull of his before he can do anything really nutty.

"I invited him over to my place for a 'Jeffersons' marathon to cheer him up and distract him from going through with the kamikaze mission; no one can be depressed when the Jeffersons' theme song comes on! We're movin' on up, to the East Side, to a dee-luxe apartment in the sky-ay-ay-ay," Clem crooned for her, clapping along with the song. "See what I mean? Don't you feel better already? I even made up a drinking game for it -- every time George says 'jive', 'honky', or 'Weezie' you have to take a shot. But... he wasn't interested, even when I said I'd supply the Jack..."

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "Didn't Spike listen to my messages?" Buffy wondered, her vision was getting blurry with tears... even 'The Jeffersons' theme couldn't stop them.

"Messages? He didn't say anything about messages to me... but mostly he was just ranting about hurting the girl and proving himself."

"I left..." Buffy couldn't remember just how many times she'd called. "I've left a ton of messages on his voice mail over the last couple of days... but he won't call me back."

"You really still care about him?" Clem asked, confused. 

"Of course I do! I didn't break up with him, I love him..." Buffy sniffled. "I'm in love with Spike, but I haven't been able to tell him because I can't _find_ his stupid ass."

"I... I don't understand. Spike said it was definitely over, you broke up with him. That's why he's so set on going out with a bang and not a whimper. I know women are from Mars and men are from Venus... or is it the other way around?” Clem pondered momentarily before giving up. “Either way... you do both speak English... mostly... How could you guys get your lines crossed so badly?"

Buffy leaned her forehead against the wall and closed her eyes. "I don't know... but we seem to do a lotta line crossing." Buffy understood that she and Spike were both wounded souls (though he didn't technically _have_ a soul), they _expected_ to be hurt and cast aside, so they thought the worst of every little (or big) thing that happened. She knew they could help each other heal... But from what Clem had just told her, she may never get the chance to tell Spike how she feels.

"Clem, if you see him or he answers one of _your_ phone calls, please tell him... tell him I love him. I love him and need to see him. I wanted to say it for the first time face-to-face, but... now I don't care how he hears it, he just _needs_ to hear it before he blows himself up."

"Okay, sure, I'll tell him, Buffy. I'll call him right after I get off the phone with you." Clem had high hopes that Spike would quickly abandon any plans if he knew Buffy actually loved him and wanted him back.

Buffy gave Clem her home phone number. "You call me right away if you talk to him, okay?"

"Yeah, sure thing. There's a lot about this I still don't get... Spike told me he 'said goodbye' to you. But you say he hasn't talked to you for days?"

"If he said goodbye, it wasn't in person. Unless his one and only phone message he left me was his way of saying goodbye... I can't believe he's doing something this crazy and stupid!"

"Well, it _is_ Spike we're talking about. I love the guy, but, hey... _issues_... that whole 'eternal love' thing with Drusilla... I had a cousin once that got dumped for a fungus demon... woo-boy, what a mess! Plus, you know when Spike gets an idea in his head..." Clem let his voice trail off, but then brightened again. "Hopefully one of us can talk to him and stop this mishegus before he blows anything up. Um..." Clem thought for a moment. "If Spike's still determined to go after Glorificus, he might've gone to the park where you killed that snake demon thing. He seemed convinced that she lives somewhere around there."

"I... I can't leave the house, I'm watching my little sister," Buffy fretted, stomping a foot in frustration.

"I'll go," Clem volunteered. "Saving my friend's ugly, tight-skinned hide is more important than a poker game... I was winning for once, though... had five aces!"

"Thanks, Clem. Please get there fast and find him."

"Will do, Buffy. If I don't find him there, I'll check a few other places. You just... try to keep a stiff upper lip, kiddo. Okay?"

She nodded, sniffling again. "Thanks, Clem."

* * *

Buffy waited a few minutes (in case Clem was talking to Spike), then called Spike again.

"I just talked to Clem. He said you were talking about hunting down Glory, and then blowing her and yourself up? Spike, if you went after Glory by yourself I swear I will kick your lily-white ass from one end of town to the other! You're not stupid enough to actually do something like that, are you? You'd better call me back -- as in _now_!"

Buffy took a few deep breaths to calm down. Her voice was scared and wavering when she spoke again. " _Please_... call me... I'm going crazy wondering where you are and if you're okay. I'm praying you didn't do anything stupid because of me... You promised you wouldn't leave me... remember? And, just FYI, leaving _includes_ getting dusted or blown into a million pieces. I'm counting on you to keep that promise.

"I love you, Spike. I wanted to save telling you --"

A beep sounded in Buffy's ear, signaling that she'd run out message time.

"Dammit," Buffy muttered, redialing the number. It figures it would pick the moment right after she said she loved him to cut her off. 

Instead of going to voice mail, a computerized voice came on and said, "Voice mail is full."

Buffy groaned as she hung up the phone. "Great... that's just... fucking great." She resisted the impulse to rip the phone out of the wall and hurl it out the window.

A half hour later, there'd been no word from either Clem or Spike. Buffy hated this, she hated not knowing what was going on. Should she be watching the news to see if anything had been blown up in town tonight? No, she couldn't bring herself to do that. She wanted to hang onto the fine thread of hope that Spike wouldn't go through with his plan.

Buffy wanted to call her friends and ask them to help her find Spike -- but most of them didn't give a shit about Spike. At the very least, maybe someone could come over and stay with Dawn so Buffy could go searching for Spike herself. She called Willow's cell phone (one of the few Scoobies she thought would actually want to help her), but got no answer. The same thing happened when she called Tara's number. She left a message on each of their voice mails.

"I am SO sick of leaving frickin' messages!" Buffy blew out a frustrated breath. She considered calling Xander, but thought better of it almost immediately. Yes, he'd said he'd be more _friendly_ toward Spike, but Buffy knew Xander would be happy to hear Spike might be gone forever -- and she wouldn't be able to handle seeing even a _hint_ of a smile on his face about this. She was sure at this point there would be no way she could stop herself from kicking him in the 'nads if he even blinked funny.

Buffy wanted to run to the park and look for Spike herself -- but she couldn't leave Dawn alone in the house. She wanted for all of this to be just a bad dream. Her mind raced and her heart ached, she didn't know what to do. 

Buffy felt like she was coming apart at the seams. She went into the kitchen to wash the dishes and clean up, and turned on the radio by the sink. She needed some music to take her mind off of things that were driving her insane.

It was tuned to a Country music station... Tara must’ve had it on when she was over the other day. Buffy didn't care for that kind of music much, but she just needed it as a distraction, so she didn’t worry about changing it. Despite all that, Buffy found herself listening to the song that came on as she absently washed the same dish over and over again.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ The One - Gary Allan ](http://youtu.be/NP-wutmgmQ8)

}}

_No rush though I need your touch_  
I won't rush your heart  
Until you feel on solid ground  
Until your strength is found, girl 

_I'll fill those canyons in your soul_  
Like a river lead you home  
And I'll walk a step behind  
In the shadows so you shine  
Just ask it will be done  
And I will prove my love  
Until you're sure that I'm "the one" 

_Somebody else was here before_  
He treated you unkind  
And broken wings need time to heal  
Before a heart can fly, girl 

Buffy sniffled. This was another song that could've been written for her and Spike. The lyrics were the same things Spike had said to her, in so many words. She may have lost the man who felt that way about her just because she'd let her past overwhelm her. She couldn't listen to the rest of the song and turned off the radio before it made her cry again.

"Need some fresh air," Buffy mumbled, heading for the kitchen door. She went out onto the back porch and sat down on the steps. She looked up at the stars, hoping to clear her head. But her sadness and dread were too strong to be brushed aside.

Buffy didn't want to cry again, but all the tension and worrying caught up with her. The latest bit of news (that Spike intended to commit suicide by Glory), was just too much for Buffy to handle. She dropped her face into her hands and started to sob. _'I'll feel better after I have a good cry. Then I'll figure out what to do...'_

Buffy lifted her wet face and looked around when that "tingling" feeling ran up her spine. She was excited for a moment, thinking Spike was finally coming to her, but she didn't see anyone. She closed her eyes and shook her head slowly. "Just my imagination again..." Why couldn't God or the PTB have given her a Slayer dream about this... something that would tell her what to do? 

Buffy covered her face with her hands again, letting her tears fall freely. She felt a dark shroud engulf her... it felt just the same as that day she’d sent Angel to hell with Acathla so many years ago. She’d killed the one man she loved -- she kissed him and thrust her sword through him. She saw utter pain and confusion in his eyes before he was sucked into the pit of hell... it was a look she’d never forget. It was the same look Spike had when she panicked and fled his crypt... his azure eyes overflowed with pain and confusion. If Spike got dusted trying to kill Glory, his death would be on her doorstep just as sure as if she’d stabbed a stake into his heart herself…

Sobs wracked Buffy’s body as the possibility of a world without Spike... a life without his love, without his touch, without him by her side, strangled her heart with fear and guilt and regret.

 

{A/N: I'm not a big Country music fan, but my intrepid beta, Passion4Spike, sent me the song link to 'The One' by Gary Allan. It's perfect for the story! Thanks P4S!}

* * *

_Two days ago, right after Buffy fled the crypt in tears..._

Spike sat with his back against the wall for some time after taking out his anger and frustration on the crypt. He composed himself, then climbed down into the lower level. He washed the tears from his face, and the blood from his hands, looking sadly at the silver skull & crossbones ring Buffy had given him. The ring was dented from punching the walls.

"Should've taken it off 'fore I went crazy..." he lamented. Spike told her he'd treasure it always, but now it was dented and mangled... like their relationship. He hadn't kept that promise either.

Spike wondered what he could do to make up for what he'd done to Buffy. He kept hitting a mental brick wall and coming back to the thought, _'There's nothing I can do that would make it up to her... she'll never trust me again.'_

He took his cell phone out of his jacket pocket and sat down on the edge of the bed, just looking at the phone for a minute. What would he say? Maybe he shouldn't call her at all, maybe it would only upset her more if he tried contacting her. Odds were, she would just erase the message without listening to it... but he had to tell her how sorry he was.

Spike dialed Buffy's cell number and held his breath. He was a bit relieved when it went to voice mail, he didn't know if he could take hearing her crying on the other end of the line. Still, his mouth was dry and his mind went blank when the beep sounded.

“Buffy... I know I'm the last person you want to hear from right now, but... I'm so sorry. God... I didn’t mean to hurt you, pet." The sound of his own voice seemed foreign to him as he spoke; he sounded like he felt, a broken man. "I thought... I thought you were showing me you were ready. But you weren’t, and I... I rushed you and made you feel like you had to... Please believe me, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I'd never force myself on...” Spike's voice broke and he cleared his throat, trying not to start sobbing again like a nancy-boy. “I’m just sorry... for everything. I promised I wouldn't hurt you anymore, but I keep doin' it, don't I? Maybe my demon's stronger than I thought it was... I won't bother you again..."

Spike heaved a sigh as he ended the call, turning off his phone and tossing it over his shoulder onto the bed. He told her he wouldn't bother her again... but could he keep that promise? He was already doubting his ability to stay away from Buffy. He didn't want to hurt her again... but he was drawn to her like a magnet to steel.

Spike looked behind him at the bed with bleary eyes, seeing the scene play out in front of him again and hearing Buffy pleading for him to stop. He squeezed his eyes shut, shuddering with revulsion. He'd thought he'd known what it was to hate himself after Buffy saw the shrine... But, no, what he was feeling right now, _this_ , was the lowest a sentient being could feel. Every time he thought he'd hit rock bottom, something new and horrid happened to take its place. This was total, unadulterated self-hatred. Is this what Angel felt like every day with his bloody soul? Spike didn't have a soul... so why was he feeling this way? When he really thought about it, he did have a soul of sorts -- Buffy was his soul, she was his heart, his sunshine.

But all that was gone now... he had no hope, no joy, no love; he had nothing. Buffy had allowed herself to trust him and he'd squandered that gift. How she must hate herself (as well as him) right now, knowing she should've heeded her friends' advice and not given Spike a chance to get close to her because he'd only hurt her in the end. God help him, that git Xander had been right.

Spike suddenly felt a strong impulse to get away, to run away and escape the heartrending memories (much as Buffy had done earlier). He couldn't stay here... here with the memories of what just happened echoing in his mind. 

"Have to get out of here..." Spike mumbled. He couldn't stay in the crypt, hearing Buffy's voice pleading with him to 'stop' and seeing her tear streaked face made something at his very core recoil and shrivel.

He dug his smokes and lighter out of his other jacket's pocket, and tossed them onto the middle of the bed with his cell phone. Then he changed into his everyday clothes (what Buffy had called his 'Classic Spike' look). He scooped up his belongings from the bed, absently picking up the cell phone along with the other items, and shoved them in his duster pockets.

Spike grabbed a bottle of whiskey and his traveling blanket (he didn't plan on coming back here, at least not for a while), he might need the blanket if he got caught outdoors when the sun rose. He cast one last gloomy look around the room, and then set off through the sewers.

* * *

Spike walked through the sewers on autopilot, not knowing where it was he was going. He let his subconscious do the driving for awhile; his conscious mind was whirling trying to come up with a way to make things better with Buffy. It would take such a spectacularly grand gesture to earn back even a smidgeon of her trust... he didn't know what it was he could possibly do. But he really didn't trust himself with her now, either. He couldn't permit himself to go near her not knowing if his demon would take over and try to hurt her again.

Spike stopped and looked around when he realized he'd come out of the sewers and was standing in the garden of the mansion on Crawford Street. He saw the fountain he'd once passed out on and woke up with his hand going up in flames. And that unhappy memory was just the tip of the iceberg, there were many more bad memories inside the mansion itself.

"The mansion?" Spike frowned. "Why would I want to come here? I hate this bloody place!"

His mind answered, _'Because this is where everything changed between you and Buffy. This is the first place where she looked at you and talked to you like you were a man and not a monster. This is where you knew that you loved Buffy more than anyone else on Earth. This is where you knew for certain that Buffy was your destiny.'_

Spike sighed and walked inside the main room. He loathed this place, but he needed to rest for a few minutes. He lit a candelabra, and then sat on the couch. The room looked like it had when he and Buffy left it, nothing was changed. Usually, prime real-estate like this was snapped up rather quickly by a vamp or demon looking for something more luxurious than a crypt. But it seemed that the demons were too skittish to move into Angelus' old house. Never knew if the old tosser would lose his soul again and come back to claim it, and any squatters would surely be severely punished for trespassing. Angel always got what he wanted... and _who_ he wanted.

Not all the memories of the mansion were bad, there was the time when he'd beat Angelus down with a crowbar. And, more recently, when Spike and Buffy sat here to rest and talk after that horrible night with Dru.

Spike slouched and leaned back against the couch cushions, sipping from his bottle of whiskey. He looked at the end of the couch where Buffy had sat when they'd talked about their feelings for each other. That was the first time she'd really _talked_ to him, and it was the first time he had real hope they could be more than enemies. Spike smiled sadly, tears built up in his eyes.

"That's a good memory," he sighed, putting his hand on the cushion on which Buffy had sat and rubbing it gently. He took out a cigarette and lit it.

His inner-voice needlessly supplied, _'Yeah, and you bollixed it up real good, di'int you? Just goes to show ya that you can't control your impulses. You're not meant to have someone as good and pure as Buffy in your life.'_ Spike cringed when he heard Cecily's voice say, _'You were *beneath* me, William. And you're most certainly beneath her.'_

Spike looked out at the room as that night replayed in front of him; he watched ghostly images of Buffy, Dru, and himself act it out. It was a bit like the Haunted Mansion ride at Disneyland. He'd been stronger than his demon that night, the taste of Buffy's blood had reminded him how much he loved her. His love for her was strong enough to make him take control back from his demon and the mind fuck Dru had given him. Why couldn't he control it last night? Why didn't he take extra care to keep his demon in check to keep it from... hurting Buffy? 

His mind answered him again. _'You didn't take extra care because you didn't think it would be a problem. The demon inside us loves Buffy too, you didn't think it would hurt her.'_

Spike detected a difference in the voices in his head. One was his normal voice, but the other sounded much more like William. Spike hadn't been sure if William was still capable of making his voice heard... he'd buried William deep inside him long ago. He'd had to silence William in order to become a proper vampire, with no mercy or sentimentality toward his prey. But William was apparently still with him, just too timid to speak most of the time.

Spike knew his demon loved Buffy too, he just didn't consider the possibility that the demon might _express_ its love for her in a 'want, take, have' kind of way.

Spike thanked God Buffy had gotten through to him and made him stop when she did. It made his stomach churn and bile rise in his throat to think he might've remained deaf to her pleas, blind to her tears, long enough to... He shut his eyes tightly and shook his head, not wanting to even contemplate what might've happened.

"William," Spike whispered, "can you help me? What can I do for Buffy... what can I do to show her I truly love her? What can I do to control the demon within me so I don't hurt her again?"

The voice was quiet for several moments. _'Oh, I see... *now* you want my help and advice? How many years have I been silenced? How long have you kept me buried under heaps of death, perversity, cruelty, and murder?'_

Spike groaned. "I'm going mad now, am I? Arguing with myself... That's bloody brilliant. If you're gonna be a prissy li'l fop 'bout it, just forget it."

_'No, I'll help. It's not often I feel free to speak. There are two answers to your quandary. Think about it, they will come to you.'_

"Ponce is makin' me work for it -- can't just tell me, eh?" Spike said with a shake of his head.

Spike chain-smoked, lighting one cigarette off another. Even if Buffy decided to give him another chance, how could he let himself be near her if he couldn't trust himself? What could he do to get tighter control over his demon?

An old legend came to Spike's mind. A legend of a demon in northern Africa (Egypt if he was remembering it right) who granted a wish to those willing to risk life and limb to attain their prize. Not many demons had emerged from the Cave of Trials, it was sort of like a roach motel for demons -- demons check in, but they don't check out.

_'Yes, that's one of the solutions,'_ William's voice told him.

Spike could go there, seek out the legend and face the arduous trials, asking for the return of his soul. If he had his soul back, then maybe that would be enough for him to have control over his demon, to ensure that he'd never hurt Buffy again... But that would mean being gone weeks or months (or not making it back at all), and Spike had promised Buffy he'd be around if she needed him. Besides, he doubted it would make a whit of difference to Buffy -- soul or no soul, he would still be the man who betrayed her trust and forced himself on her... No, he couldn't go poncing off to Africa, not while Buffy still might need his help fighting Glory in the near future. If something happened to Buffy or her family because he wasn't there... 

Maybe that was the answer... he could take the fight to Glorificus before she had a chance to harm Buffy, Dawn or Joyce. Spike had had that idea once before (after the incident with the shrine) but hadn't had time to give it serious contemplation. And if he happened to die along with Glory... well, he didn't care much if he died or not, so that worked out. Better to go out with a bang and not a whimper... who wants to live forever, anyway? It would be a completely selfless act... and he'd be doing it for Buffy. 

_'Yes,_ William's voice sounded in his head again, _'...that's what I would do if I were you. It wouldn't make up for your past... misdeeds, but it would spare the people you love much pain and sorrow. Buffy would know you meant what you said. She might even think of you fondly once you're gone... '_

"She's in a mortal body... not at her full, godly power... that means she can be killed somehow. How do I go about it...?" Spike's mind was going a mile a minute trying to think of how he could defeat a god. He remembered Buffy telling him that Glory had survived a building collapsing on her, and she'd also survived falling from an incredible height when Willow magically transported Glory high above the city... so the bitch was tough, no doubt about that. 

Glory had walked away from things that would've killed any normal person... but an explosion might get the job done -- a well-placed, perfectly timed bomb might be enough to kill even her. A bomb would take Spike out too, but the thought didn't trouble him as much as it would've a few days ago. Maybe that's one of the ways Dru saw him die in her visions, maybe this was what was supposed to happen.

Not only would he be saving Buffy, he'd be saving Dawn's life too. That was worth his sacrifice and that way he'd still be keeping his promise to Buffy -- she and Dawn would be safe from Glory and there would be no way his demon could harm her again; it was a win-win.

"Where can I get some explosives...?" Spike wondered aloud.

He could ask Clem, but doubted his friend would happily hand over dynamite that Spike intended to blow himself up with. Then William whispered something Spike had forgotten until now -- it was something from a few years ago when he'd briefly been Adam's lackey. Spike had explored the caves surrounding Adam's lair, looking for anything that might be worth a few bob. Spike had found four crates of TNT under a tarp, most likely left behind by a mining operation; the workers probably got spooked by demon activity and hightailed it out of there. He'd moved it to a different location in the mine and hidden it again, in case he ever found a use for it or a buyer for it.

"I'll have to go see if it's still there," Spike mumbled drowsily. He didn't want to waste any time, but he could barely keep his eyes open. "I'll check it out in a few hours..." he said, lying down on the couch and covering himself with his traveling blanket. "Just need... a little kip first."

Even with his half-formed plans, his fondest wish was that he could make things right with Buffy again. _'If wishes were horses...'_ William whispered as Spike began nodding off. Like Buffy, he had an unpleasant dream...

 

_Spike's Nightmare_

 

Spike walked up the stairs to Buffy's bedroom. He moved slowly, dreading what she might say when he finally talked to her. The bedroom door was ajar, he pushed it open and saw her standing by her bed with her back to him.

He gathered his courage and said, "Buffy... we need to talk."

She paused for a moment, then went back to what she was doing. 

"Buffy... I'm sorry, pet. I'm sorry for what I did. You have no idea how sorry I am..."

Buffy ignored him, still arranging something on her bed.

"Alright... I get that you're furious with me -- and you have _every_ bloody right to be -- but... will you at least look at me?" Spike asked with increasing dread.

Buffy sighed wearily and turned around. Her expression was one of annoyance, like she couldn't wait to be rid of him... it was the way she used to look at him all the time. "Fine, I'm looking at you. What do you want?"

"I'm sorry about last night... You know I didn't mean to hurt you, don't you?"

She shrugged. "Doesn't matter if you meant to or not, you still did. My friends were right... I shouldn't have trusted you."

"I know... and I'm --"

"Yeah, yeah, you're _sorry_." Buffy rolled her eyes. "I heard you say it the first few times."

"I love you, Buffy. I love you more than anything in the bloody world. I'll do whatever it takes to earn your trust back. I'll --"

"What's taking so long?" a voice said from behind Spike.

Spike's eyes widened and he turned his head to see Angel standing behind him. "Bloody hell... what are _you_ doin' here?!"

Angel pushed a stunned Spike aside and strode into Buffy's room. The jubilant smile on her face when she saw Angel made Spike's stomach do a somersault. And then he thought he'd start dry heaving when Buffy threw herself into Angel's arms and they started kissing.

"What the bloody hell is goin' on!?" Spike demanded, grabbing Angel and shoving him away from Buffy. "You don't get to touch her anymore, pillock!"

Angel laughed and shook his head. "Still the same sorry little Willy. You're so pathetic, almost makes me feel sorry for you."

Spike growled and took a step toward Angel. Buffy shoved Spike's chest, sending him a few steps backwards.

"I decide who touches me and who doesn't, Spike," Buffy explained. "He does," she pointed to Angel, "and you don't. I'm warning you, don't try hurting him -- I will drop you like a bag of dirt."

"How... When did _this_ ," Spike gestured at Angel wordlessly for a few seconds, "happen?!"

"Angel was there for me when I needed him. We discovered that we still love each other too much to stay apart any longer," Buffy said, looking dreamily at Angel. "Right, Pookie?"

"Right, honey," Angel replied. "We're driving to Vegas tonight to get married. I'd like to go with a Rat Pack ceremony instead of the clichéd Elvis impersonator one. I still need a best man if you're interested, Spike." Angel smirked.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!" Spike ran his hands back through his hair. "No... no this isn't happening. It _can't_ be!"

"You're lucky I don't butcher you like a hog right now for touching _my_ woman, Willy," Angel tsked. "Trying to steal your Sire or Grandsire's mate is a big no-no. But you never were much for rules, were you?"

"Angel, honey, why don't you go start the car? I'm almost all packed up and ready to go. I can't wait for the honeymoon!" Buffy grinned, spinning around in a circle.

"I'll let you two kids say goodbye. Poor little Willy looks like he's gonna cry..." Angel pouted, mocking the heartbroken, livid, and very confused younger vampire. "If there's one thing you should've learned by now, it's that I _always_ win, Spike. And you? You'll always be the pathetic loser. See ya around, boyo." Angel gave Spike a smarmy smile and went back out the door.

Spike grasped at straws to stop this from happening. "He'll lose his bloody soul and go Hannibal Lector again if you shag him!"

"Oh, we fixed that little problem. Willow did a spell to make his soul stay put, and now Angel and I can make love any time we want," Buffy informed him. "We had wild, passionate sex a little while before you got here, and he's still got his soul."

Spike groaned, seriously trying to keep from puking, screaming and crying. He swallowed, forcing down the bile in his throat. "I know you cared about me... and, Buffy, you're _everything_ to me. There's something between us -- you can't deny it. You had warm 'n fuzzies for me and I know you've felt the heat between us."

"There was heat alright, 'cause I've been _in Hell_ having to settle for you when the man I really wanted was in L.A."

Spike's jaw ticced, he looked away from her. "Don't _say_ that!" he ground out between clenched teeth.

"I did 'care' for you -- past tense. But I was just wasting my time with you, Spike. How could I ever love a _thing_ like you? You don't have a soul, you're still the exact same guy who's tortured me for years -- not like Angel who had an excuse. I can never forgive you for plying me with wine and then forcing me to get naked so you could do _disgusting, vile_ things to me."

"I didn't mean to hurt you..." Spike mumbled miserably, hanging his head. "God, I'm so sorry, pet..."

"You're beneath me, Spike -- always have been, always will be." He looked up at her and winced, feeling like she'd punched him repeatedly in the gut. "But I needed to feel good about myself again after Riley left. Xander was right, you were just --"

"Don't say it!" Spike growled.

" _Convenient_ ," Buffy finished with a cruel smile. "Now, if you don't mind -- and even if you do -- I've gotta get going. The love of my life is waiting for me." She picked up her suitcase and started toward the bedroom door.

Spike jumped in front of the door, blocking it with his body. "Don't leave like this, Buffy. Please... This..." Spike closed his eyes and shook his head. "This can't be happening... Is this a nightmare?"

"Yeah, it's just a nightmare -- keep tellin' yourself that. Get away from the door," Buffy ordered coldly.

"Don't throw away what we have -- what we _could_ have! I'll do whatever you want -- punish me, scream at me, kick my ass... but don't give up on me. I'll do better, I'll get better control over my demon and I swear I'll never hurt you again... just... please give me another chance?" Spike implored, desperate to change her mind.

Buffy rolled her eyes, unmoved. "I don't give a shit how you feel or what you think. I'm looking out for myself, not _you_. I'm finally going to be with the man who's my destiny, the man that I love... that's what I care about."

"I know a way I can get my soul back... There's a demon in Africa that puts questors through painful trials -- the survivors get their fondest wish granted. I might not make it back alive, but if that's what you need me to do, I'll bloody well do it, Buffy. I'll fight, I'll win, and I'll get my soul back for you," Spike said resolutely.

Buffy sighed wearily. "Soul or no soul, it's still _you_ , Spike. I don't want _you_! I want Angel -- _he’s_ my destiny! Why can’t you understand that?!" 

"If you leave me now..." Spike paused and sniffed. "I'll die without you," he said with certainty, his voice rough and his eyes brimming with tears.

Buffy put her suitcase down. Then she smiled and took a step closer to him and touched his cheek, giving Spike hope for a moment. "Then... _die_!" she spat, producing a stake out of nowhere and plunging it through his chest.

Spike didn't have time to react -- he was suddenly pinned to the door with the stake. He stared at her smiling face in shock. A tear ran down his cheek. "Buffy..." And then the world dissolved around him...

The last thing he heard was Drusilla's voice saying, "I told you she'd make you suffer, my Spike. You should've listened to your dark goddess. Come back to me, Spike. Find me, my love. You'll always belong to me..."

 

Spike jerked awake. 

He looked around, finding himself alone at the deserted mansion.

"Bloody hell..." he groaned, lowering his head and rubbing his hands over his face. "Bad enough that Buffy staked me... did Peaches have to make a cameo appearance too?" 

He reached for the whiskey bottle but found it empty. Spike sighed and dropped it on the floor amongst the spent cigarette butts.

Spike got up from the couch, brushing off the back off his coat. "Too much bloody time spent in this house of horrors..."

From the sunlight streaming through the windows on the other side of the room, Spike guessed it was about noon. He'd slept a lot longer than the short catnap he'd intended to take. But, thanks to that sickening dream, he didn't feel at all rested. 

Spike threw his blanket around his shoulders and headed for the sewers, happy that at least this would be the last time he'd ever have to see the mansion.

* * *

Spike let his subconscious guide him through the sewers while he pondered how to carry out his plan. The next place he found himself was a church. No... not just _a_ church, it was _the_ church in which he'd performed the restoration ritual for Dru.

The church was barely standing, but there was enough of it left to shield him from the bright, early afternoon sun.

Spike looked up at the altar, seeing images of Dru, Angel, and himself. "There wasn't anything I wouldn't've done for that girl..." he said with a sad sigh.

Then his eyes were drawn to where he'd been buried in rubble. Buffy was a crack shot with that incense censer... hit him right in the back of the head. He'd stumbled and fallen, and then the whole bloody church organ fell down on top of him and Dru. Spike had taken the brunt of it, he'd thrown Dru away from him when he realized he was about to be crushed. 

If Dru hadn't pulled him out of the debris, he surely would've burned to a cinder. He'd only been partially burned, but his legs were useless and he'd had to suffer in that bloody wheelchair. He'd been crippled and humiliated... because of Buffy. But he didn't blame or resent Buffy for what she'd done (though, he did at the time). Spike understood how it was between vamps and Slayers more than anyone else -- he'd had his job to do, and she'd had hers.

Spike wondered why his subconscious would lead him here, this church would be among the _last_ places he'd ever want to revisit. He was a different person back then, living a different life. And he preferred not thinking about how he'd almost snuffed it here... with Buffy all protective and moonin' over Angel. 

He smiled a bit as he remembered Buffy switching with the other Slayer to fight with him.

Spike had said, _'I'd rather be fighting you, anyway.'_

Buffy replied, _'Mutual.'_

Even though those memories weren't of _good_ times, they were a part of the dance Spike and Buffy had been waltzing to from the beginning. Every fight, every catty exchange, and every unexpected act of kindness or mercy -- all of those things were bricks in the road that led them to being close like they were last night.

And then Spike realized why his unconscious mind had taken him to the mansion and now this church -- he was walking down memory lane, visiting places that held some significance in his relationship with Buffy. It was his way of saying goodbye to her, to the monster he was, and the man he'd become... only there was more monster left in the man than Spike had suspected. He was saying goodbye to... everything.

"Had enough of this bloody place too." Spike flicked his cigarette into a pile of debris, then covered himself with his blanket and took off for the sewers again.

* * *

Spike's next stop was the old factory he and Drusilla had lived in when they'd first moved into town. He smiled at the memory of getting rid of the 'Annoying One'. Spike had done enough of the bidding of other creatures, he wasn't about to let a spotty little boy order him around. And he recalled another time when Rupert came barging in and tried to take Angelus out for killing his girlfriend. It was foolhardy for Giles to even think about doing that, but Spike could understand -- if someone dared kill the woman he loved... Spike's wrath would be terrible; there wouldn't be enough left of the bastard to sweep into a bin. 

Once again, he saw ghostly images of the players acting out scenes from the past. He saw when he'd come back here after Dru dumped him for the first time. He'd been so lost, so unhappy without her. Buffy had called him 'a shell of a loser', and she hadn't been wrong. Spike didn't know he was in love with Buffy back then, his conscious and subconscious minds weren't on speaking terms, he only knew he was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame.

Spike sighed and headed for the exit. He had a few more stops to make on his walk down traumatic memory lane. Next up would be the old Sunnydale High where he and Buffy had had their first real fight. But first, he had to visit the mines and see if the stash of TNT was where he'd left it.

* * *

Spike found the crates of TNT he'd hidden, then moved them (slowly and carefully) near the sewer entrance to the lower crypt. He didn't know if they were any good anymore, he'd have to find out the hard way -- when the charges he set went off or _didn't_ go off when planned. He also planned on having a few sticks of dynamite on his body, if he could get Glory in a bear hug while one went off, he figured that would be the end of her (and him). But that might be the only way to guarantee that Glory would die.

Since Spike was near the crypt, he waited for the sun to set, and then returned the motorcycle to the guy he'd borrowed it from at the garage. He didn't want to leave any loose ends.

After that, Spike went to the old high school. He sighed and smiled, thinking how magnificent Buffy was that night. She was so beautiful, cunning, and strong. She'd kicked his ass (with a little help from her mum). It was foolish of him to rush things, he should've waited until St. Vigeous Day. But things might've turned out badly for Buffy if he'd waited... in hindsight, he was glad he'd been impatient to tangle with the Slayer.

Spike had a fantasy (once or twice) that that first fight between him and Buffy had turned erotic. Their passion grew by leaps and bounds as their fight intensified, and they'd ended up ripping at each other's clothes and shagging right there in the school hallway, starting against the wall and then moving to the floor. 

But he'd had Drusilla, and Buffy had had Angel... neither of them had shagging each other on their minds that night. 

Spike suddenly had the urge to go to the place he'd first glimpsed Buffy, the Bronze.

* * *

Spike kept to the shadows as he walked through the club, wanting to make sure Buffy wasn't there. He didn't want her to have to see him after what he'd done, or worse, have her think he was back to stalking her.

When he was satisfied that Buffy wasn't here, he went to the bar for a beer. A perky, pretty bartender named Bridget (whom he'd often flirted with previously) was quick to approach him.

"Hello there, Blue Eyes," Bridget said, smiling and batting her eyes. "What's your pleasure?"

"Beer -- preferably something that's not American swill."

Bridget was a bit disappointed. He didn't call her luv or pet, or flirt in any way. She always looked forward to seeing him at the bar.

"How about a Hiney?" she asked suggestively, holding up a bottle of Heineken beer. Bridget thought she'd get a smirk or sexually suggestive remark out of him, but Spike merely nodded and took the bottle from her. Spike placed the money on the bar, and then walked away.

Bridget sighed, her shoulders slumping slightly. The British hottie seemed preoccupied and unhappy about something. She thought to herself, _'One of these days... I am soooo gonna hit that.'_ Who knows, maybe tonight would be her lucky night if Mr. Gorgeous stuck around the club until after her shift was over...

Spike meandered through the club sipping his beer. He was oblivious to the dancers and other patrons, all he saw was the ghostly image of that beautiful, naive, powerful girl dancing with her friends years ago. 

He recalled what had been going through his mind that first time...

_Spike circled the dance floor, sizing her up and wondering what kind of dance he'd have with this one. He felt a pull toward her... not just a prey/predator pull. He wanted her. But any sexual thoughts were quickly dismissed -- he had his Drusilla, and he wouldn't dream of cheating on his beloved. But still... the cute, blonde Slayer made him quiver; there was something _extra_ special about this one, he could tell from just one look._

_His attraction to her disturbed Spike. It was supposed to be business as usual -- find the new Slayer, dance the dance, kill her, and put another notch on his belt. Well, he reasoned, sex and violence did often go hand-in-hand. He was bound to want to shag a Slayer eventually._

_It was just a momentary lapse, that's all. His excitement at finding his prey was also manifesting itself as a sexual allure._

_Spike said to himself, "I'll just 'ave to finish this one off quick... not let this sick desire have a chance to grow into... somethin' even sicker..."_

But it hadn't worked out that way. Buffy was the most resourceful, strong, fierce Slayer he'd ever come across. The more he saw her in action, the more encounters they had, the more attracted he'd become. He'd been in love with her before he left town with Dru, he just hadn't realized it. Loving her just seemed so _wrong_ that he couldn't admit it to himself before that first Buffy dream he'd had, which brought the horrible truth crashing down on him.

Spike disposed of his empty beer bottle, then went out the side exit.

The alley was the place they'd first met and exchanged words. Spike had seen firsthand how different she was than other Slayers when she fought and dusted a minion. She was quick and light on her feet, creative, _and_ she had friends backing her up. Those annoying groupies of hers had gotten under Spike's skin plenty of times... but they were a big reason Buffy was still alive and kicking. They had Spike's gratitude for that. 

Spike smoked a few cigarettes as he watched images of himself and Buffy from that long ago night.

_'Nice work, luv.'_

_'Who are you?'_

_'You'll find out on Saturday.'_

_'What happens on Saturday?'_

_'I kill you.'_

Spike sighed and shook his head. "It's a bloody wonder she ever let me touch her..." That Buffy did allow him to be close to her, talk to him like a person... and treat him like a man, was another thing that showed how special she was. She had a big heart and a huge capacity for forgiveness... but what he'd done the previous night, forcing himself on her... it was beyond even her capacity to forgive, of that he was certain.

Spike flicked his cigarette away dejectedly, and walked quickly out of the alley with his duster billowing out behind him.

* * *

Spike wandered around town for hours, pausing at places he remembered being with Buffy. He didn't bother going to the Magic Box, her friends might be on the warpath and ready to stake him. He also had a mission to accomplish -- to find Glory's lair. He went to the park, the area which he suspected the Hell Bitch lived, and prowled around for awhile. He hoped to see one of her minions and follow it to its master, but he didn't see any suspicious activity. Maybe he'd have better luck in the daytime, if he could manage not to burst into flame.

Spike had to stop and rub his weary eyes. He felt exhausted, it'd be best if he tried getting some rest. In his state, he might miss a clue. He didn't want to go back to the crypt to sleep, he didn't think he'd be able to sleep in his bed after what happened there. He could find another safe place, maybe under someone's porch or a cave, to rest for awhile.

Spike didn't intend on going past Buffy's house, but he found himself walking down her street. He cautiously approached the house, making sure no one was outside or looking out a window. The light coming from the windows was dim, the Summers clan had most likely turned in for the night, seeing as how it was almost 1am.

It was raining again, unusual for Sunnydale, but Spike didn't mind getting a little wet. He stood in the rain under the oak tree and thought about all the times he’d kept vigil there waiting and watching... longing for her. And now he’ll never have her, never feel her touch again, never know her love... Bitter tears mingled with the rain running down his face. He'd been _so_ close to having everything he dreamed of... 

Spike didn't know how long he stood there in the rain, smoking cigarette after cigarette. He had to cup his hand around the last cigarette to keep it from getting soggy as the rain was coming down harder now. 

"Goodbye, pet," Spike said, looking up at her window. "Wish I could be the man you deserve. I thought I was strong enough, but..." He let his words trail off, shaking his head sadly, and dropped the cigarette to the ground. He sighed as he turned and walked away from Buffy's house, for what he was sure would be the last time.

* * *

Spike found a safe place in the sewers to take a nap for a few hours, not that he got much rest again. He went back to the crypt for a fresh pack of smokes. While he was there, he decided to change into a dry pair of black jeans and t-shirt before heading out again. He wasn't sure why he wanted to put on clean clothes... he was just going to get blown up, anyway. But he had the impulse to change, so he did... maybe he’d let that prissy fop William out of his cage for too long.

It was daylight now, so he couldn't get much accomplished.

Spike went back to stakeout the park he believed Glory lived near. But he saw no signs of her minions, and he found it difficult to question passersby while covered with a smoldering blanket. People tended to avoid strange men hiding under smoking blankets.

Even while he was trying to put the last piece of the puzzle together and find out where Glory dwelled, Spike couldn't stop thinking of Buffy and how he'd wronged her. He really didn't want to die, he didn't want to give up... he wanted to find a way to be the man she deserved. But what if by some miracle she was able to forgive him and he did the same thing again, or something worse? 

"No... it's better this way," Spike muttered. "I won't take the risk of hurting her again... never again."

* * *

After the sun went down, at around eight o'clock, Spike made his way to Willy's bar. Maybe he could get some useful info about Glory while he had a few pints.

There was a good-sized crowd in the bar tonight, his chances of finding someone who knew something about Glory were looking better. Spike was taken back to when he'd come here looking for information on the vamp/vamps that killed the people on the train. That seemed so bloody long ago now...

Spike went to the jukebox to play a song -- something raucous and wild that would help get him in the mood to slay a god. He inserted the coins and pressed H8, then he started to turn toward the bar.

{{

Hear the song at the following YouTube Link:

[ Ace Of Spades - Motorhead ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=52ifvhoxb1U)

}}

Spike stopped and turned his head to look at the jukebox when 'Hopelessly Devoted To You' started playing instead of the song he'd selected.

A demon standing next to the jukebox gave Spike a look that said 'You _like_ this song?'

"I did _not_ play that," Spike stated before storming over to the bar. "Willy!"

"Hey, Spike. How ya doin'?" Willy asked as he moved to where Spike was standing at the bar.

"What the bloody hell is that? That," he pointed at the jukebox, "was s'posed to be 'Ace Of Spades' by Motorhead!" Spike complained.

"The juke's been... it's been actin' up lately," Willy explained nervously, shifting from foot to foot.

"What's that bloody song even doin' on a jukebox in a bar?"

"The 'Grease' soundtrack is the best-selling of all-time!" Willy declared defensively. Willy was a big 'Grease' fan, he'd hidden a few songs from the movie in the jukebox so he could listen to them and sing along when he was cleaning up before closing for the night. Figures Spike would pick a song no one else ever picked and discover this particular song. Same thing happened when the Slayer was here earlier, only Willy hadn't had any complaints from the lunchtime crowd.

Spike shook his head and grumbled, "All that proves is there's a lotta bloody stupid people."

A green-skinned demon and his date got up from one of the booths and started to slow dance to the song.

"See?" Willy smirked with vindication. " _Some_ people appreciate the classics." 

Spike rolled his eyes and growled lightly as he sat down at the bar.

"I'll see if I can get your song to play next... sorry for the mix-up..." Willy cleared his throat. "So, how's the --"

"Stuff the small talk and get me a beer an' a shot of JD," Spike said gruffly. "And keep 'em comin'."

"The customer is always right." He hurried to get Spike his drinks. "Y'know," Willy said casually as he poured a shot for Spike, "the Slayer was in here earlier, asked if I'd seen you."

Spike blinked, surprised that Buffy wanted to see him about anything. "Did she... say what she wanted?"

"Nope. She looked real unhappy, though." Being in on just about all the juicy gossip around town, Willy knew that Spike and Buffy were dating. And, by the looks of it, Spike had fallen out of favor with the Slayer for one reason or another.

Spike sighed, thinking Buffy had recovered enough to want to kick his ass or dust him... he'd wondered how long it would take for her fear and sadness to turn into rage. Spike would go to Buffy and put himself at her mercy, letting her mete out whatever punishment she thought he deserved for what he'd done... but his death would serve a better purpose if he could kill Glory.

"You did something to piss Buffy off? Was just a matter of time. Women, huh?" Willy shook his head and chuckled. "Can't live with 'em, can't have straight sex without 'em. I'd have to say no if she wanted to be my girl -- you're one brave sonuvabitch. The Slayer's a cute broad, but she can be such a bit--"

In an instant, Spike went into game face and grabbed a startled Willy by the throat, squeezing just hard enough to make the human wonder if his windpipe was about to be crushed. The chip was buzzing, but Spike ignored the pain; the only evidence that he felt anything at all was the twitching of his left eye. 

Spike said in a low, dangerous voice, "Watch what you say 'bout her, pillock. And as for her ever bein' 'your girl'? You 'ave a better chance of _seein' God_." Spike's lip curled into a sneer, telling Willy that he'd personally send him to see God if there were any more comments about Buffy. "Do... you... understand?" Spike asked slowly, flexing his fingers around the man's throat with each word.

Willy could only make a croaking sound, but tried nodding his head to show he got the message.

Spike released the frightened bartender and sat back down on the barstool, his normal, human face sliding back into place.

Willy backed up and massaged his throat, gasping for breath. "Geez, Spike! What's your problem, man?! Too much caffeine or somethin'? How can you still defend her like that when she's ashamed of sinkin' low enough to be with you? I wouldn't let some chick treat me like that." From the look Spike gave him, Willy feared he'd gone too far and should've kept his mouth shut for once...

"Perhaps..." Spike growled, his eyes flashing gold, "you didn't get my message. Should I _repeat_ it?"

"H-how about another drink, huh?" Willy asked fearfully, getting a bottle and setting it down in front of Spike. "Somethin' to s-soothe your nerves. Keep the bottle, it's on the house!" Willy could use something to settle his nerves now too. He really needed to look into hiring some security guards to protect him from unhappy, violent customers. The fact that the chip in Spike's head didn't stop him from strangling Willy, made the bartender even more nervous. A chipless Spike was cause for concern...

Spike tried to bury the emotional pain he felt from what Willy just said -- Buffy was ashamed of him. She must've said something along those lines to Willy. She'd kissed him in front of her friends once to prove she wasn't ashamed... but, of course, now she felt differently. She’d made a horrible mistake trusting him and now she was ashamed of ever letting a monster like Spike near her... and Spike couldn’t blame her.

"You gotta stick to your own kind, Spike," Willy continued. "Find a great-lookin' vampire girl who'll treat you right. A girl who knows her place, if you know what I'm sayin'."

"I've sunk pretty bloody low, but not low enough to take dating advice from the likes of you. And _that_ had better be the last thing besides 'Want another drink?' that you say to me for the rest of the night."

Willy shrugged and held up his hands, backing up a step. "Alright, alright... just tryin' to help! Don't go postal again."

Spike downed a shot of whiskey when he realized he was listening to the song and thinking of Buffy. He mumbled, "I know I've hit rock bottom... I'm noddin' along to an Olivia Newton bloody John song..."

Clem sidled up next to Spike. "Hey, Spike. I couldn't help but hear you bellowing from across the room. I'm surprised to see you here. I thought you'd be hanging out with your _girlfriend_ again," Clem teased.

Spike sidestepped the question and posed one of his own. "What're _you_ doin' here, Clem? Thought you were too busy bein' a captain of industry to go slumming at Willy's." He poured himself another shot.

"I'm taking a couple of days off. The money's great, but being the boss kind of sucks. I don't have any free time anymore. I need my downtime and weekly poker games. There's one here in the backroom tonight that I'm gonna get in on. I'll have to delegate my authority more if I ever want to have fun ever again."

Clem noticed the new ring on Spike's finger. "Nice ring... but I don't think it's supposed to be embedded in your flesh like that. How'd that happen?"

Spike shrugged. "I punched some things, forgot I had the ring on."

"Doesn't it... hurt?" Clem asked.

Spike shrugged again. "Pain's good -- pain reminds you you're alive... or undead."

Clem rolled his red eyes. "Geez, Spike, melodramatic much? Why so broody, mon frère?"

"I'm _not_ broody..." Spike groused.

"You're even more surly than usual," Clem observed. "And, don't take this personally, but you look like crap."

Spike sneered at him. "Thanks ever so. We can't all be as beautiful as you."

"Don't tell me you and Buffy had another 'misunderstanding'?"

"There's no misunderstandings... it's over." Spike downed a shot of whiskey, and then refilled the glass.

"It's over? You guys are really splitsville?"

"Mmhmm." Spike nodded, looking down at the whiskey in his glass.

"What happened?"

"I'm not talkin' about it. Our relationship's dead and I killed it... she hates me, and rightly so. I've got no one to blame but m'self. It'd be great if I could find someone else to pin the blame on... but it was me."

"You... aren't gonna try to get her back?"

"No.... not this time."

Clem knew how important Buffy was to Spike, he thought it was a real shame they couldn't work things out. "So... what're you gonna do?"

"I've got a plan... I've got the explosives, all that's left is for me to suss out where the Hell Bitch hangs her hat..."

"Huh?" Clem asked, scratching his wrinkly forehead. "What're you talking about? You know where the Slayer lives..." Had things deteriorated _that_ badly that Spike wanted to blow up Buffy's house?

Spike rolled his eyes and snorted sarcastically. "Not _Buffy_ , you nimrod! Glory!

"I need to find out where the Hell God lives... I'm gonna kill her so Buffy doesn't have to. But a bomb won't do me much good if I don't know where to set the bloody thing," Spike explained testily. "You heard any rumors 'bout where she lives? I figure it's somewhere near that wooded area in the park past the bike path -- that's where Buffy chased that snake demon Glory conjured. It had to be headin' back to its master... I've staked out the area myself, but couldn't find any bloody evidence -- I'm _sure_ she's somewhere in that area. So, have you heard where she lives or not?"

"Hold on there, buddy!" Clem held up a clawed hand. "Do you know what you're saying? Have you thought this through?"

Spike nodded curtly. "I have."

"So you're just gonna set a bomb and run for cover?"

"No, I'm gonna set it and then go in to make sure Glory can't leave before it goes off. I reckon I can keep her busy for a few minutes."

"And then the bomb goes *boom* and takes you out along with Glory... You're planning on taking on a freakin' _god_ by yourself? And you don't care that you'll be blown to smithereens too? Have you gone completely loco?"

"Not loco, just... thinkin' big."

"And what if you succeed in killing only yourself?"

Spike shrugged. "At least I would've tried. I need to do something for Buffy... not to get her back 'cos that's not possible... but something to show her I truly loved her... something that shows her everything I said wasn't a lie. Maybe she'll be... proud of me one day."

"You've got the 'My girlfriend broke up with me and I don't wanna live without her' blues... We've all been there." 

Spike's face screwed up in annoyance. "Don't make it sound so... It wasn't just some ordinary love affair. She was my bloody _destiny_. I could've had something that would make my life worth living; being with her would've made me something other than a total bloody waste of skin. I could've had everything I've only dreamed of... and now it's gone 'cos of my own..." Spike stopped and shook his head. Instead of continuing the thought, he downed another shot.

"I guess I can't count on you to work for me on Monday... since you'll be in a million pieces an' all?"

Spike rolled his eyes. "I'm sure you won't 'ave trouble findin' someone else."

"So... you're getting drunk because being drunk will _help_ you win an impossible to win fight with a god? Smart plan," Clem said, nodding sarcastically.

"I'm not drunk. I'm _drinking_ , but only so I... I'm just havin' a few for the road. Somethin' wrong with that?"

"Hey, I got an idea! Instead of doing that crazy thing you want to do, why don't you come over to my place and watch a 'Jeffersons' marathon tonight? Hopefully they'll show more episodes with the original Lionel, he was my favorite. We'll make a night of it! I've got Bugles, Cheetohs, beer, whiskey, and we can pick up some blood for you on the way."

"No thanks, mate. I've got more important things to do than watch the telly all night. You know, lairs to find, bombs to set."

Clem tried to think of something, _anything_ , that would talk Spike out of this. "But... what if your bomb kills innocent people or starts a fire that burns down half the town? Buffy wouldn't like that."

Spike tensed and swallowed. "I'll... I'll be as accurate as I can be."

"Okay... then what if you do end up killing only yourself and Glory is so pissed off about you trying to kill her that she decides to kill all of Buffy's family and friends to prevent another one from doing what you did? Or she'll think that Buffy put you up to it and go after her directly. If Buffy's not ready to fight a _god_ yet, then she'll get creamed. Would you want that? Or the bomb will turn out to be a dud and won't go off when you planned -- again, you'll only get yourself killed and leave Buffy with one royally ticked off Hell God."

Spike frowned, trying to dismiss that scenario. "I'll... That's not... She wouldn't..." But the longer he thought about it, the more he believed Clem might be right. If he failed to kill Glory, he might get Buffy and her family killed. If he forced Glory to act before Buffy was anywhere near ready for the final battle...

Spike shook his head. "Stop tryin' to talk me out of it! I got a plan and I'm stickin' to it." He looked at the clock on the wall. "I've got some work to do."

Spike started to stand up, Clem put a hand on Spike's arm. Spike looked at the hand, then up at Clem, his eyes narrowed in anger.

"I can't let you do this, Spike. It's crazy!"

"Remove your hand or I'll remove it... at the shoulder."

Clem slowly dropped his hand from Spike's arm. "You know this is stupid, don't you? I'm just trying to talk some sense into that thick skull of yours."

"Don't try following me or interfering with my mission, Clem. I don't want to have to kick your flabby ass. Just... stay outta my bloody way, alright?"

Spike started to walk away, but turned back. "By the way, you can have the DeSoto if you want 'er. She still needs some work, though. It's at the garage, the keys are in the ignition. And I know you got your own place, but the crypt is all yours if you want it, too."

"You're really gonna go through with this, aren't you?" Clem asked sadly.

"Yeah, I am. I aim to go out with a bang, not a whimper."

"I never thought you'd take the cowardly way out..." Clem said with a shake of his head.

Spike glared at him and let out a low growl. "I'm _not_ a coward. How is me takin' out Glory by myself to spare Buffy and her family any pain, in any way _cowardly_?"

"Yeah, that's a noble reason. But that ain't the only reason and you know it. You're also doing it because it'd be easier to die than go on living day after day with her hating you."

"You psychic now too?" Spike asked with a derisive laugh, trying not to let on that Clem was at least half right. "Don't try figurin' me out, mate."

Spike took a breath and clapped a hand on Clem's shoulder. "It was good knowin' you, Clement. You were always a good friend... thanks." With that, Spike turned and walked out of the bar. 

Clem sighed and shook his head as he watched Spike go out the door. His friend was about to get himself killed and there wasn't a damn thing Clem could do to stop him. If only Buffy hadn't broken up with Spike... she was probably the only one who could talk him out of this. But calling Buffy wasn't an option -- according to Spike, Buffy didn't give a damn about him anymore.

The only hope Clem had left was that Spike would rethink the crazy plan and change his mind before it was too late.

* * *

Spike went back to the crypt to start moving the dynamite to the park; he figured it'd be smart to have it close at hand for when he finally did find Glory's lair. He tried to ignore the things Clem said, what could (and probably would) go wrong with his plan, but his albino friend's words kept bouncing around in his head. 

Spike squeezed his eyes shut and muttered, "Bugger..."

He couldn't go through with it. He'd wanted to do something for Buffy that would really _mean_ something and would lighten her burden. But... blowing up Glory's lair with him in it wasn't a good plan. Clem was right -- it was a bloody stupid plan. Spike didn't want Buffy to pay for his attempt to get rid of Glory, which she might if any of the hypothetical scenarios Clem put forward came to pass. 

"She's suffered enough 'cos of me..." Spike mumbled. "Why don't I ever think of possible _consequences_? I just jump right the fuck in with both feet and then wonder why everything went wrong. Now I'm back at square bloody one... what am I s'posed to do now?"

A voice in his head (possibly William) said, _'Go talk to Buffy. Ask her what she'd like you to do.'_

Spike snorted miserably. "She'll just tell me to go stake m'self... or possibly do it for me."

The voice persisted, _'Then you'll know for certain how she feels and not just be guessing. Talk to Buffy.'_

Spike sighed and hung his head. He didn't want to bother or upset her again... but he had to see her one more time. He had to ask her what he could possibly do to make things right with her again... and barring that, if there were any way they could at least be... friends. He needed to ask her if going questing for his soul would be enough for her to let him back in. And above all else, he needed to tell her how sorry he was for hurting her.

Spike freshened up, wanting to look his best for Buffy, even if she didn't care how he looked. His hands shook with nervousness as he set off on foot to Revello Drive. He had no idea what sort of reception he'd get, not just from Buffy but from her mum and Dawn too. If she told them he'd forced himself on her, they might want to dust him too. Maybe going to the back door might be best instead of knocking on the front door.

Spike cut through yards until he was in the yard of the house behind Buffy's. He remembered the last time he'd gone this way, when he'd gone to Buffy's house intending to shoot her (after her 'You're beneath me' comment). But within seconds of seeing Buffy in tears, he'd abandoned that plan. Seeing her cry simply tore his heart out. He'd ended up sitting next to her on the steps and comforting her, quite a switch from what he'd gone there to do. And Buffy never asked why he'd had a shotgun with him... he didn't know if she'd _known_ what he'd wanted to do or not. 

As he neared the hedges that led into the Summers' backyard, Spike felt Buffy's presence. He sniffed the air, knowing without a doubt that she was outside and close by -- that was lucky, at least he wouldn't have to face her family too. Then he heard the unmistakable sounds of Buffy crying. He stopped and closed his eyes, pained that she was probably crying because of him and his inability to control himself. Spike fought shedding tears of his own, the sounds of Buffy weeping were too much for him to bear. _'I don't want to hurt her anymore... I should just go and never darken her doorway again.'_

Spike turned around and started to leave, but stopped after only a few steps. He thought, _'No, I have to do this... I have to speak to her, see her, one more time... to tell her how sorry I am. Buffy deserves to hear it face-to-face. I'm not a bloody coward, I can face the music. She deserves the chance to scream at me, hit me, kill me... or forgive me.'_

* * *

Spike walked into the backyard. "Buffy," he called softly, so as not to alarm her.

Her head whipped up at the sound of his voice. They stared at each other for several moments. Tears continued to flow from Buffy's eyes; she wasn't sure if he was really here or not. Was this just her imagination running wild, letting her see what she wanted so desperately to see?

Spike held his hands up and kept his distance from her, trying to put her at ease and not have her worry that he might try and touch her. "I'm not gonna do anything. I'll stay right here; I won't come near you. Just listen, alright?"

Buffy opened her mouth to say something, then just nodded. She still wasn't sure if this was the real Spike or her imagination.

Spike took a breath, then began. "I'm so bloody sorry... You have to believe me, I didn't realize... I thought you were ready, I didn't mean to push myself on you or make you think you had to do anything. I would never consciously hurt you like that... I didn't know my demon was that strong.

"I know I said I wouldn't bother you again, but... damn it, woman, I love you too bloody much to just give up on us and walk away! I know the two of us can have something extraordinary if we can just..." He swallowed nervously, then said softly, "I didn't mean to shout... don't want to spook ya again. I'm... so sorry about what happened, Buffy. I never wanted to hurt you, especially not like that..."

Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but Spike held up a hand, silently asking her to wait before she said anything. She sighed and rolled her watery eyes, thinking, _'This *has* to be the real Spike. If he was just a figment of my imagination, I'd be able to get a word in edgewise...'_

Spike sniffed and squared his shoulders, his eyes shiny with tears too. "I'll do whatever you want to make things right with us again, I'm not too proud to beg... not when it comes to you. I'll stay away for days if you need space, be limited to handholding and pecks on the cheek -- whatever you need. I'll wait for a month, a year... five bloody years, however long it takes. I'll find a way to get better control over my demon so I won't hurt you again.

"But... if what I've done is too... if it was too much for you to forgive and you say you want me gone from Sunnyhell... I'll go and you'll never see me again. I thought about leaving, but I promised you I'd always be here for you... I didn't want to break another promise. I'll respect your decision if you want me to go... I won't stalk or harass you, but I will _never_ stop loving you.

"What do you think?" Spike asked anxiously then gulped, telling himself to be strong if she told him to get the hell out of her life. He would honor whatever request she made of him, no matter how painful it would be for him. "It's completely up to you, Buffy... Is there still... still a chance for us?"

Buffy stood up and started walking toward him, moving faster with each step. 

Spike didn't know her intentions -- was she going to beat the shit out of him? Stake him? Spike considered making a run for it... but he deserved whatever she meted out, didn't he? He'd take his lumps if it might help Buffy be able to forgive him again. If she thought him beyond redemption, then staking would be a welcome end to his misery.

But Buffy didn't punch or kick or stake him. She jumped on him, flinging her arms around his neck and her legs around his waist, hugging him tight with her limbs. Spike was completely unprepared for this kind of reaction. He hadn't expected her to jump on him in a _good_ way. As a result, he lost his balance and stumbled backwards, falling onto the ground on his back, bringing Buffy down on top of him. Buffy didn't miss a beat though, she took his face in her hands and kissed him frantically.

Spike was stunned and confused, but it was so easy to lose all train of thought when Buffy was kissing him. He brought his arms up around her, closed his eyes and let himself get lost in her embrace. The pain and anguish he'd been in for the last two days melted away. With Buffy's lips raining kisses down on him, and her beautiful, powerful body wrapped around him, how could he feel anything except happiness? Up until a few minutes ago, Spike thought he'd never be able to kiss or touch her again -- he would think he was dreaming right now if it weren't for the slight discomfort from a small rock digging into his back.

They broke for air and rested their foreheads together, still holding each other and breathing hard.

"That was the best answer to any question I've ever asked," Spike panted. "...And not the kind of response I expected after how... things ended last time we were together."

Suddenly, her anger about his non-communication over the last few days boiled over. Buffy sat up and cocked her fist back as if to punch him in the face.

Spike winced, waiting for the blow, but he didn't try to get away.

Buffy caught herself at the last moment and punched him on the chest (not nearly as hard as she could have).

"Ow!" Spike put his hand over the spot she'd hit.

Then Buffy whimpered and dropped back down to kiss him frantically again.

When she had to stop to get air into her lungs, Spike looked at her warily with an arched eyebrow. "Havin' some... mood swings, are we, luv?"

Buffy rose up to look at him, her hands shaking slightly as she caressed his sharp cheekbones and her eyes roamed over his face. "I should knock you on your ass, you know that?"

"You already did sorta knock me on my ass... Not complain' though." He wouldn't dream of complaining about Buffy straddling him and snogging his face off.

"Sorry..." she said sheepishly. "Hitting is a knee-jerk reaction for me... especially when I'm an emotional wreck. I was going nuts for almost two days worrying about you!" Spike flinched, thinking a punch to the face was coming this time. But Buffy calmed down and only gently touched his cheek. "I'll try not to be so punchy in the future. But did you notice how I stayed away from your face and crotch?"

"Yes, I did notice... and I'm grateful for that. Thanks, pet."

Buffy jumped up to her feet and planted her hands on her hips, the unhappy crease between her eyebrows was prominent. "Where the hell have you been?! I was so worried about you -- I didn't know if something happened to you or if you left town. I called you a hundred times, I searched all the places I know you hang out, but I couldn't find you..." Buffy's devastating pout made its first appearance of the night.

Spike went up on his elbows, looking up at her. "You... You're not mad about what I did? You're not angry about how I... pressured you and made you --"

"You didn't pressure me or make me do anything I didn't want to do. I'm the one who's sorry, I hurt you by..." She paused, confused. Even though she'd rambled on a bit (or more than a bit), she thought she'd made everything pretty clear in the messages she'd left for him. "Wait... didn't you listen to the messages?"

"Messages?" Spike asked, raising both eyebrows. "What messages?"

Buffy groaned loudly and rolled her eyes skyward. "God... I don't believe it... you didn't play your messages? I left a ton of messages on your voice mail -- I filled up the damn thing! You called me after I left the crypt, but you didn't check to see if I called back?"

"I... I didn't expect you'd return my call," Spike said sadly, looking away from her with a devastating pout of his own as he got to his feet. "I thought you hated me and never wanted to see or speak to me again... So... I didn't think there was any reason to check to see if you called me back. I just wanted to call you and say how sorry I was about what I did... what I _thought_ I did." Spike was having trouble processing the information that he hadn't hurt or traumatized Buffy; he'd spent almost two tortuous days convinced he'd hurt her.

Buffy knew the power of the pout at that moment. She wanted to just gather him in her arms and cuddle him. "You turned your phone off?" He nodded. "Do you have it with you?"

Spike patted down his pockets. "I don't think..." He stopped when he felt the phone in his pocket, then took it out. "Oh... here it is. Thought I'd left it back at the crypt..." He looked up at her from the phone.

Buffy crossed her arms to keep from hitting him again. Part of her still wanted to cuddle him, but the urge to punch him again was getting stronger. She'd been pulling her hair out, at her wit's end, thinking he didn't want to speak to her, and all that time he'd just had his phone turned off. "Do me a favor? Listen to a few of them." 

"Right now?"

"Yes, _now_."

"Um... alright." Spike listened to one message after another, closing his eyes and sighing, wincing, and occasionally glancing guiltily at Buffy. He didn't listen to all of them, hearing her voice sounding so distraught was hard for him to take, but he got the gist of her messages (he didn't get to the last one, the one when Buffy said 'I love you'). "Well... hearing those would've made the last twenty-four hours a lot less miserable for me. Let that be a lesson to me..." he said as he put his phone away, "...always check my bloody messages." 

Buffy refolded her arms over her chest, giving him a reproachful squint. "And what was that shit about you blowing Glory up? I was scared to death you were going to do it."

"Oh... that," Spike said then coughed, ducking his head and rubbing at the back of his neck. "You... talked to Clem?"

"Yes. And he filled me in on your crazy plan to kill Glory _and_ yourself. Clem's out looking around the park for you right now. We'd better call him and tell him you're okay."

"Bugger... I wasn't too kind to ol' Clement, but he still wanted to save my ass..." Spike shook his head, smiling wanly. "He really is a good bloke. I'm sorry for worrying you... But you've gotta understand, luv... I've been in a _real_ bad place the last couple days."

"I haven't been too happy either," Buffy moped, still feeling remnants of the stress she'd been under while Spike was missing. She was feeling much better now that she was finally talking to the frustrating vamp and it appeared that they, once again, had only misjudged each other's actions and states of mind; but her muscles were sore from days worth of tension.

"I've been cursing myself and my demon for hurting you, betraying you... I despised m'self for... for what I _thought_ I'd done to you. I was preparing for the end, I didn't think I deserved to go on livin'..." Spike looked down and took a deep breath. "But I wanted my death to... to _mean_ something... to do some good."

Buffy sighed, unfolded her arms and wrapped them around Spike's neck, leaning up on her tiptoes to kiss him softly. She pulled back to look into his eyes. "There's something I've been wanting to tell you since the other night."

"Yeah?" Spike didn't know if it was good or bad yet. Hopefully she wasn't about to tell him she was pregnant with Finn's lovechild...

Buffy smiled timidly, nervous about saying it _to_ him for the first time. "I-I love you."

Spike blinked and tilted his head to the left like a dog hearing a funny sound it couldn't identify; he'd thought Buffy would only say those words to him in a dream. "You... love me?"

She nodded. "I had a long talk with Tara and she helped me realize that I'm in love with you. She tricked my subconscious into finally admitting it by getting me to rant about what an ass Xander was at the Magic Box -- she's good. And worrying about you since the last time I saw you made me even more certain how I feel about you." 

Her words sunk in and Spike broke into a brilliant, amazed smile (that cute, boyish grin Buffy liked so much). "Say it again," he requested, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her close. "With my name tagged on to the end."

Buffy laughed and smiled brightly. This is the reaction she'd hoped for, not at all the cruel way Dream Spike reacted to her declaration of love. "I love you, _Spike_. I really, really love you."

Spike pulled her tightly against his body and crushed his lips to hers. Buffy moved a hand up to the back of his head, holding him to her and running her fingers through his soft, platinum hair while they kissed long, deep, and passionately. Buffy was breathless when they stopped for air. 

Spike pulled her into a hug, holding her loosely. His eyes were moist with happy tears, his voice cracked with emotion, "God, I love you so bloody much, pet. You don't know how happy you just made me, Buffy." 

"Good." She smiled and put her cheek against his. "I only want to make you happy -- and smile like that -- from now on."

Spike pulled back, smiling that smile at her. With his hands on her waist, Spike lifted her up and spun her in a circle three times. Buffy giggled as her feet left the ground and he twirled her around. Spike let her slide slowly down his body, then kissed her again. It was the most joyful, passionate, and possessive kiss she'd ever received; he was almost biting her in his zeal, but she didn't mind -- in fact, she was sorta biting him too.

His tongue swept over and past her lips, diving into her mouth. Their tongues danced and swirled and their lips smashed together as the intensity of the kiss and their lust grew. Buffy's knees were getting weak, parts of her body were getting very tingly. She had to stop making out with him or she'd just throw him back on the ground and tear his clothes off. 

She gently pulled back and pushed at his chest. "Oxygen is becoming an issue," she said, grinning and panting for air.

Spike was also grinning from ear-to-ear and pulling in deep breaths. "I... I never thought you could ever actually love me," he confessed, sounding as astonished as he felt. 

"Well, I do." She giggled at the way he looked at her expectantly with a silly grin and his eyebrows raised, waiting for her to say it again. "I am in love with you, Spike. I think I've been in love with you since our first date. Sorry it took me so long to figure it out..." She dropped her eyes from his, feeling guilty.

Spike shook his head and placed little, soft kisses around her mouth. "Don't be sorry, pet. You love me and that's... that's a bloody _miracle_ far as I'm concerned. Doesn't matter how long it took."

Buffy smiled and wiggled out of his embrace. "I think you should call Clem now to let him know everything's alright."

Spike nodded and took his phone out again. He quickly dialed Clem's number, and was relieved when it was answered right away. He didn't want to leave a plethora of messages like poor Buffy had had to leave for him.

"Spike, you crazy bloodsucker, where are you?" Clem asked, sounding very perturbed.

"Uh, hey mate. I'm at Buffy's house. After thinkin' about what you said... I realized you were right -- it was a stupid plan. I took one more shot at talking to Buffy and..." he glanced at her with a smile, "it seems like we'll be able to work it out."

Clem let out a loud, relieved breath. "You came back to your senses -- wow, miracles _can_ happen! I'm happy for ya, but, not only did I pass up a winning streak at the poker game, I missed several episodes of 'The Jeffersons' marathon. You'd better appreciate me looking around for your shiny butt out here in the dark."

"I do appreciate it, mate. I 'preciate everything you've done for me," Spike said sincerely. "I'll make it up to you, alright?"

"You'd better! It's spooky out here!" Clem's red eyes darted around the darkened park.

"Clem, you're a bloody _demon_ , you're what people are afraid that _they'll_ run into in the dark. What're you scared of?"

"A raccoon jumped out of a trashcan and hissed at me! Almost gave me heart attacks!"

"You're afraid of Rocky Raccoon? They're more afraid of you than you are of them."

"Wanna bet? Sure, they're more likely to run away than attack... _normally_ \-- but raccoons are notorious for having the rabies! They're all messed up in the head and will attack anything that moves!"

Spike rolled his eyes. "Diseases like that can't be transmitted to demons, you nit. You know that."

"Yeah, but... they just freak me out, okay? They've got those weird little hands..." Clem cringed.

"Well... thanks for takin' the time to look for me, Clem. Sorry 'bout... you know... at the bar."

"Yeah... it's cool, don't worry about it. But I was winning the poker game, damn it... You owe me a Siamese."

"You'll have it, no worries."

"Guess I can't take possession of your car and the crypt now?"

Spike snorted. "Sorry, I'll have to take back those offers. But you're welcome to 'em when I finally do bite the dust. I'll put you in my will."

"You're with Buffy right now, huh?"

"Yeah," Spike looked at her and smiled. "She's standin' right here next to me. We were havin' a talk, tryin' to sort things out."

"Then what the heck are you still talking to me for? Talk to her!"

"We wanted to call you first 'fore we got into a heavy discussion. Didn't want you wanderin' around the park all night... being attacked by raccoons and whatnot."

"Oh... well, that was considerate. Thanks. Now get back to talking to your lady, you guys have _lots_ to talk about from the sounds of it. And watching a few episodes of Dr. Phil about relationships couldn't hurt you two, either. I'm getting out of here before the raccoons decide to gang up on me."

"Right. I'll talk to you tomorrow." Spike ended the call and slipped the phone back into his pocket. "Clem got spooked by a raccoon, but he's alright."

Buffy laughed as she walked over to the porch steps. She sat down, taking a tissue from her pocket. She wiped her eyes and then blew her nose, hoping she wouldn't have any more reasons to cry in the near future. 

"All better now, luv?" Spike asked, feeling guilty that she'd been crying because of him.

Buffy patted the space next to her. "Mmhmm, feelin' much better."

Spike strode over to the steps to her. Buffy had to smile at how confident and cocky his posture and walk were -- long strides, chin up, arms swinging at his sides, leather duster flapping behind him, and a cute smirk on his face. It was quite a contrast from the sad, nervous, timid man who'd come through the hedges a few minutes ago.

When he sat down with her, Buffy put an arm around his waist, and Spike draped an arm over her shoulders. They sat in silence, side-by-side, for a few moments, savoring being together and having hope for a future together again. They let some of the badness of the last couple days fade away, thoroughly relieved that most of their worrying and fears were for nothing. Though, it was frustrating, too, having been so depressed and distraught for almost two full days was torturous. But they tried just to relish the fact that all that unhappiness was over and done now. Buffy still had some issues to discuss (her feelings of sexual inadequacy, for one), but she felt confident those problems could be solved now too.

"Hard for me to sit still," Spike said with a chuckle, his left leg twitching with wanting to stand up and jump with joy. "I want to dance like Gene bloody Kelly, swing from lampposts and jump in rain puddles, shouting, 'Buffy Summers loves me!'"

Buffy laughed at picturing Spike doing those things. "Stay put for a few minutes, buster. I had the hardest damn time finding you. I'd hurry to one place, like the mansion, and you'd already be gone. You moved pretty fast around town."

He looked at her, cocking an eyebrow. "You tried tracking me using magick?"

"Yeah... I only resorted to that 'cause I was worried you were hurt -- the broken slab and furniture at the crypt, along with the bloody marks on the wall, made me think someone hurt you."

Spike looked down and sighed, feeling stupid for the assumptions he'd made and what he'd been doing (and thinking of doing) for the last twenty-four hours. "I was... frustrated when you left... and from the way you left... wrecked my head, it did."

"You were mad at me," Buffy said sadly, nodding. "I don't blame you."

He turned to look at her and held her hand. "No... no, pet, I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at _me_. Remember, I thought I'd... made you do things you didn't wanna do. I thought I'd ruined everything 'cos I couldn't control my demon... or sex drive... that I couldn't hear or ignored your pleas for me to stop... But I wasn't angry with you, not at all."

"Oh... okay." Buffy snuggled closer to his side. "I was pretty mad at _me_. I was so embarrassed... and I felt horrible that I'd hurt you like that."

"It's okay now, Buffy." Spike kissed the side of her head. 

"Well, it's _sorta_ okay. We still have things we need to talk about." Buffy looked at his hand and frowned. "What happened to the ring?" Then she answered her own question. "Oh... you were punching walls."

"Yeah... had some... issues to work out after you left. Once again, I want you to know it wasn't _you_ I was brassed off at."

"Is your finger okay?" she asked, delicately running her finger along his injured one. There was still a dent in his finger from the ring, but it was healing.

"Yeah, it's fine. I felt like shit for marring the ring like this... the first present you gave me and I have to go and mash it."

"There will be other prezzies in your future, don't worry." Buffy kissed him on the cheek. "So...um, you want to talk about... stuff?" she asked anxiously. 

Spike was reluctant to get into a serious discussion, but this is what they needed to do to make sure there weren't any misunderstandings left to bollix everything up again. "Okay... what do you want to talk about?"

"The horrible things that were going through my mind right before I... ran out on you. You were being wonderful, what you were doing to me _felt_ wonderful. I wanted it to happen even though it wasn't my vision of the 'perfect' first time. But then...." Buffy looked down and sighed sadly. "Then all the bad shit that's happened to me in relationships came flooding back, blocking out the good stuff you and I were doing. And I remembered some... mean things you've said to me and I thought how I couldn't stand if you said things like that to me again after we..."

Spike looked down at the porch steps too. "I know I've been cruel to you... things I've said... Saying I'm sorry now and I'd take it back doesn't matter much once it's been said. Well... that's it, innit? There's not much we can do if you can't forgive me for my past... transgressions against you and others," Spike uttered miserably.

"I _can_ forgive you, Spike. I _have_ forgiven you. Things were different then; I said some pretty awful things to you over the years too -- that’s all in the past," she assured him. "It's just that at the time... all my big fears were racing around in my head and... I actually thought I might be possessed -- _that's_ how bad the voices in my head were." Buffy sighed, trying to explain without sounding crazy. "I was afraid you'd treat me like shit... afterwards, like the others."

"I'm not _them_ , Buffy. I'll never take you for granted, and I won't get jealous and needy when your family or Slayer duties have to come first. I will never abandon you, and every time I wake up I'll be thinking how bloody lucky I am that a woman like you wants to be with me." Spike heaved a sigh. "You'll trust me one day; I'll have to show you, over time, that you can trust me to not do you wrong like those other pillocks did."

"I do trust you. I believe in you, Spike, I really do." Buffy rubbed her forehead, frustrated that she wasn't explaining herself very well. "The bottom-line about the other night is... I got overwhelmed with fear and panic that things _would_ go bad. I didn't realize it until I talked to Tara, but I was already in love with you, and if you rejected me after we... I'd be devastated."

After a short pause, she said, "There are a lot of Buffys inside me."

Spike raised an eyebrow, looking at her sideways as if trying to see where all these Buffys were hidden.

"I mean, there are lots of different parts of my personality that make up who I am. There's Regular Buffy who can deal with just about any situation. But there are others that chime in just to cause trouble. There's Insecure Buffy and Evil Twin Buffy and a bunch of others."

"Where was Cheeky Buffy when we needed her?" Spike smiled slightly. "I like her."

"I think the others bonked her over the head, dragged her off and tied her up. I really could've used her that night. But the other, meaner parts of me... I heard their voices loud and clear when we were in bed -- they told me I'd get hurt this time just like the other times. They reran traumatic scenes from my past over and over again. They told me I wasn't going to be good enough for you..." she admitted, looking down and blushing. "They were relentless... I couldn't make them shut up."

"You, not good enough for _me_? Rot! I'm the one who needs a pair of stilts to come up to your level." Spike didn't understand she meant she wouldn't be a good lover. "You're good, and strong, and pure, and brave... as well as bein' the most beautiful, sexiest girl I've ever set eyes on. I have lots of things to love and admire 'bout you... But can you really forgive me for being... a monster? I don't possess many redeeming qualities..."

Buffy was suddenly nervous to start talking about her sexual inadequacies, she let that topic go for now. "First of all, you're not a monster. A monster wouldn't have said the beautiful things you've said or given me the sweet surprises you've given me, just to make me happy. And a monster wouldn't give a crap about my, or my family's, happiness and safety."

Spike smiled shyly. He couldn't put into words how hearing her say those things to him made him feel. He only hoped he didn't start leaking tears again, he'd cried more than he cared to admit the last couple days. He was turning into a right ponce.

"And second, I wouldn't have been worrying myself sick about you and wanting to see you again if I didn't love and forgive you." Buffy squeezed his hand. "Forgiveness is in my nature -- I think most of the people I love or care about have tried to kill me at least once, although you may hold the record on that just now -- not sure."

They both snorted a little laugh. 

Getting serious again, Buffy looked into his eyes and said, "You're worth the risk and leap of faith I'm taking. I saw how much you've changed that night at the mansion..." She shuddered slightly at remembering how Spike was when he was under Dru's spell -- so cold, so cruel, like in that nightmare she'd had. 

As there was an Angel and an _Angelus_ , there were also two Spikes. Only Spike's two halves (the human he had been and the demon) were more connected, he wouldn't change into a completely different person. Spike had several facets to his personality, but he wasn't two different people; he was just... _complex_. Buffy surmised that Spike wouldn't be much different than he was now if he had a soul. Spike had somehow evolved into a better man on his own, because of his love for her, not because a soul was forced upon him. 

Buffy shook off her musings and smiled, running her hand lightly over his cheek. "I saw the 'old Spike' when Dru hypnotized you... you're not that person anymore. You've changed, and you did it all on your own."

"Wouldn't you be... happier if I _did_ have a soul?" Spike wondered uneasily.

Buffy shrugged. "I don't know... I guess so. But there's no --"

"There might be a way I can get mine back," Spike told her, the serious look on his face and tone of his voice told her it was no joke.

Buffy looked at him, her brow creasing. "What? Your soul? H-how?"

"There's a legend... an ancient demon grants questors their heart's fondest wish if they survive grueling trials. It's like a genie's lamp... 'cept, instead of rubbing, there's a lot of pain, fighting, and bloodshed. I could try and get my soul back. I'd do it for you... I _want_ to do it for you, Buffy."

Buffy had to stop and think about that for a moment. She was shocked that there was actually a way for Spike to get his soul back on his own, without the use of magick and without the 'one perfect moment' side-effect. This proved again how different Spike and Angel were. Angelus had zero interest in having his soul back; he'd been so happy to be rid of his soul that he'd murdered Miss Calendar to make sure she couldn't give it back to him with that Gypsy spell. But Spike... he was soulless and _wanted_ his soul back and he was willing to fight for it; he wanted to be a good man and be certain he'd never hurt Buffy again. Spike loved her so deeply without a soul whereas Angelus had only wanted to destroy her from the inside out when he was soulless.

After letting what Spike was proposing sink in, Buffy shook her head. "No... I don't want you to do that."

"You... wouldn't rather I had a soul now that you know it's possible?" Spike was surprised, he'd expected she would be all for the idea.

"Yes and no. I mean... yeah, it'd be nice... but you might not win." She quickly added, "Not that I don't have faith in your abilities, I know how tough you are and what a great fighter you are. But you never know how things will go down, every fight we get in could be our last... Besides that, getting your soul back could change you. You might go insane like Angel for a hundred years, or it could drastically change your personality. I don't want you to change; I like you just the way you are now." Although she suspected Spike would change very little if he were re-ensouled, there was always the chance it would change him. And Buffy wasn't willing to take that risk.

Spike smiled boyishly and ducked his head. Here he was, trying to change everything about himself for her to want him, to be worthy of her love, and she liked him just as he was now. His tears of happiness were getting harder to keep in.

Buffy continued, "Angel lived in alleyways for a hundred years after he was cursed with a soul, the guilt and remorse driving him crazy every day... I don't want you to go through that. I told you this before and I still believe it, you're strong enough to live any way you want, you don't need a soul." She bit her lip. "But would it make _you_ happier having a soul?" If this was something Spike felt strongly about doing for himself, she didn't know if she had a right to ask him not to do it.

Spike pondered that question. "Don't know... it might make me feel more worthy of your love. I might be bug-shagging crazy for a while, if what Angel went through is the norm... not really sure there is a norm for that. That's not an attractive prospect... but I'll --"

Buffy shook her head. "No. No, I don't want you going there and putting yourself through trials that might kill you or drive you nuts."

"But I --"

She shook her head again. "I don't want you to try it. Unless you're determined to do it for yourself, I vote 'no'. Spike, you're strong enough to counter your demon, it doesn't control you."

"But... what if I'm _not_ strong enough?" he asked anxiously, clearly disturbed by the possibility. Although he found out what happened with Buffy wasn't his fault, it was hard for Spike to shake the feeling his demon would take over at some point in the future. "What if, _just once_ , it takes over and tries to hurt you? I can't let that happen, Buffy."

"Your demon was in full control that night at the mansion after Dru hypnotized you. But you stopped and came back to your senses before it was too late. You remembered you loved me and didn't want to hurt me; you stopped _yourself_ , Spike... you stopped the demon. If you could do it under those circumstances, you can do it again. I believe in you."

Buffy gave him a soft kiss on the lips. "I don't want to take the chance of losing you, Spike. I love you the way you are now, warts an' all."

Spike smirked, his eyes shiny with tears. "Don't have any warts."

"Yes... I know," Buffy said with a naughty smile, her eyes moved up and down his body, remembering how smooth and perfect his ivory skin was. Her fingers itched to lay her hands on him and feel his silky skin, his hard muscles, and stroke his... She wished for X-ray vision to be able to see that gorgeous, flawless body. Of course, she knew all she had to do was ask him to take his clothes off to see him naked... and that _would_ be happening in the very near future. But they had to talk out her issues first, Buffy wanted to ensure there would be no repeat of the other night; she had to be certain her cynical, critical inner Buffys would be silenced.

Buffy realized she'd been picturing Spike naked for thirty seconds, then looked away with a new blush on her cheeks. "I do want you the way you want me, Spike. It's just... every time we get close to... doing it, all those silly fears of mine flare up... I turn into the Towering Inferno of Cold Feet."

"Just the thought of having sex with me makes you panic." Spike stated it, not trying to make her feel bad, but just saying it out loud.

"No, I... I really do want to be with you like that, Spike. Part of me _can't wait_ to be with you. Don't feel bad and think that I --"

"I'm just sayin', if that's what's causing the problem then we should... talk about it. Maybe put some of those fears and Ghosts of Boyfriends Past to rest."

Buffy took a breath and nodded. "That's what Tara said I should do, too. She said I should talk to you about how I feel and what scares me... but... I was afraid you'd think I was just stupid."

Spike shook his head. "You're a lotta things, luv, but stupid ain't one of 'em. I love you... and you know how much I _want_ you. But I want it to be good for both of us, I want both of us to be _ready_. So... let's talk about sex." He groaned. "God... now I got that god-awful bloody song goin' through my head..."

Buffy smiled faintly and chuckled.

"Seems that I owe Tara some thanks... _big_ thanks, for helpin' you see the light. Good to know one of your band of merry men, and women, doesn't want to get rid of me."

"I also had a talk with my mom about it. Despite the grilling she gave you the other day, she really is on your side; she believes in you, too. She reassured me that you'd show up sooner or later and everything would be alright."

Spike smiled and sniffed, feeling grateful that he really did have a few fans amongst Buffy's family and friends. He cleared his throat, then said, "So... we were gonna talk about what's got your pretty little knickers in a twist?"

"Oh... yeah, we were." Buffy swallowed and shifted position on the porch step, summoning her courage. "Okay... let's start. I'm... I'm afraid I won't be _good enough_ to... to satisfy you." She blushed, looking away from him again as her heart raced nervously in her chest. There. She'd said it.

Spike sighed. "Pet, you really don't have anything to worry about. I'm sorry you've been fretting over this so much and for so long..."

"Well, you call me a goddess... you think I'm perfect and I'm not. How can I live up to that?" She pouted.

Spike snorted a laugh. "Perfect? I do _not_ think you're perfect."

Buffy looked at him, creasing her brow. "Geez, you don't have to say it like that... But goddesses, by definition, are perfect beings... aren't they?"

"Have you read much Greek or Roman mythology? The gods were flawed beings just like humans. They had some things they excelled at and supernatural abilities, but they could also be petty, vindictive, bitchy, vain, cruel --"

"Okay... you think I'm one of those _flawed_ goddesses. Still... you're expecting fireworks when we're together, you've thought about it so much, how can I live up to what you've... _imagined_?" Buffy looked away, pouting slightly again.

"You're worried that you won't be... skilled enough for my liking?"

She nodded imperceptibly.

Spike sighed. "Buffy, I don't expect you to know every trick in the book. The fact that you haven't got a lot of experience is actually a turn-on."

"Oh, so you _expect_ me to be bad in bed?" Buffy asked, looking at him sideways and raising her eyebrows.

"Now, don't put words in my mouth, luv. I expect you to be... you. Just feeling your hand on my skin or feeling your lips on mine is... Just those little things are _big_ to me. The only expectations I have are that you'll be yourself and you'll have a bloody good time. If all you ever wanna do is lie together naked, kissing and wrigglin' against each other, then I'd still be happy."

"You wouldn't be happy with that, come on," Buffy said with a teasing smile. She wanted more than that too. "You'd need to... get _release_."

Spike smirked and held up his left hand. "I can get _release_ later. I've developed quite a grip." 

Buffy laughed and shook her head.

Spike suggested, "If you're that worried about bein'... inadequate, I could only do things to you -- you wouldn't have to do anything but lie there and enjoy. That'd be fine by me."

Buffy rolled her eyes, saying sarcastically, "Oh yeah, that'd be fair."

Spike shrugged. "I'm willing to do anything to accommodate you, Buffy. And... doing things to you, giving you pleasure, would give me a lotta pleasure too, believe me. You wouldn't even have to touch me."

Buffy rolled her eyes again. "That would be silly and wrong. Like I could just let you _service_ me?"

"Whatever it takes, pet."

"But I _do_ want to touch you and join in the fun -- I want to make you feel good too. I was having _big_ fun making out with you the other night. I've had some _very_ dirty dreams about doing things to you, which I totally enjoyed."

Spike smiled. "Maybe we can talk about those dreams sometime in the near future?"

Buffy smiled shyly. "Yeah... we should."

Putting aside the dirty dreams talk for the moment, Buffy wanted to get back to her concerns. She knew she'd get way too distracted if they started a discussion about wet dreams. "My mom said she thinks what you want most is for me to make myself... vulnerable to you. To show I trust and care about you enough to let all my defenses down."

Spike raised his brows and nodded once. "Joyce definitely took Psych in college." He drew in a breath and nodded. "Yeah, that's the hardest bit about being with another person, 'specially with strong, take-charge types like yourself. But... to be in love _is_ to be vulnerable. No one can cut us to the quick more than the one we've given our hearts to; no one else's words or actions can either send us soaring into the clouds or send us plummeting down to the lowest of depths." 

Turning to her, Spike asked, "You do believe I love you, don't you, pet?" 

"I know you love me," Buffy said with a smile. "But I have wondered if you and me are just deeply in lust with each other... it can feel the same as love. What if once we've... been together, those feelings start to fade?"

"I think," Spike said, looking up at the stars, "love is when the other person's... happiness, their needs, hopes, fears, and dreams are as important as your own... or more important. And that's how I feel about you, Buffy. I want to make love to you, to give you as much pleasure as you can handle, but the physical is just part of it.

"There was a time, early on, when I wondered if what I felt for you was real love or just an intense crush, and I've spent a lotta time sussing out my feelings for you. I've delved into them and, I know beyond any doubt, that I do love you. I've even given the horrible hypotheticals thought."

"What horrible hypotheticals?" Buffy asked hesitantly, not sure she wanted to hear them, but too curious not to ask. They'd already talked about what he'd do if (more like _when_ ) she died in the line of duty -- what could be more horrible than that?

"Hate to even think or say them out loud..." Spike sighed, looking down at the steps, "...but... I thought, what if you were badly hurt and permanently paralyzed... or what if you were maimed or disfigured... or lost a limb..."

Buffy grimaced. "Yeah... those are horrible, alright." Being alive, but... _limited_ sounded worse than actually dying to her. Not only would she be a useless and ineffective Slayer, she'd probably become a burden on her loved ones.

Spike loudly cleared his throat, almost choking on the emotion as he imagined something terrible happening to Buffy. "And as bloody hard as it was for me to even think of such things, I knew I really loved you when those scenarios didn't make me love you any less; I didn't feel any less devoted to you. If you were hurt, if there wasn't even the _possibility_ we could shag.... I wouldn't stop loving you. I'd stay by your side, helping any way I could."

Buffy sniffled and wiped at a tear running down her cheek. She could tell Spike meant what he was saying. That was the real test of love, wasn't it? Would you stay with and feel the same way about your mate if they were permanently disabled? Like they had so many times since she started dating him, Spike's words touched her and made her heart bloom with affection for him. But, this time, she easily recognized the affection for him she was feeling as love.

Buffy put her arm through his, leaning against his side. "That's... that is very comforting. You can be so sweet..." She sniffled again. "Do you really think... love will be enough if... if I don't meet expectations?"

Spike shook his head and held her hand, caressing it. "You can tell me the things you're worried about, pet. You don't have to hide anything from me, you can trust me. I promise I won't laugh or think you're silly for it. All I want is to help you clear your head and exorcise those inner demons you've got inside you."

"Um... okay." She took a breath and began. “Spike... I,” Buffy paused and rubbed wearily at her eyes. Her chest tightened as the memories of lovers past and the heartache they wrought on her danced in the dark behind her closed lids. Finally, she took another deep breath and steeled herself, as if to face an attacker, and blurted the words out quickly, lest he stop her or she falter. 

“I’m just not any good in bed. I... I know Angel told you... and... Parker... you know what happened with him. ‘Not worth a second go.’” Buffy tossed Spike’s own words back at him from that day in the sun. Spike winced and opened his mouth to object, but Buffy just talked over him -- unable to stop the flood now that she’d started.

“And Riley -- God... I couldn’t even satisfy _him_! He had to get his rocks off in that vamp whorehouse... then he split, too. He didn’t just leave town -- he left the freaking _country_ to get away from me,” Buffy reminded Spike unnecessarily as tears stung her eyes. “I tried really hard... I swear I did. I thought I did everything right... but, Spike -- I’m just not any good and I’m so afraid that I’ll... I’ll lose you... every man I’ve ever loved has gone away... and..."

Spike pulled Buffy into a hug as they sat under the stars and once again blamed himself for at least part of her insecurities, wishing there was some way he could take back all the hurtful things he’d said to her over the years; wishing he could take the tossers that had hurt her and rip their heads off right in front of her. She didn’t deserve any of it, she was so strong -- the Slayer, it was sometimes easy to forget that she was also just a girl... a girl with a hungry heart that just wanted to love and be loved, just like everyone else.

"Dammit... I h-hate crying," she sobbed. 

“Shhhh…” Spike cooed softly as he rocked her in his arms as she cried. She needed to let it out... let it all out -- let the demons go. Her tears seemed to burn his flesh as they coursed down her cheeks and soaked his shirt, her sobs stabbed like daggers to his heart. 

When Buffy’s tears eased and her sobs stilled, Spike pushed her back slightly so he could look into her eyes. The green seemed more grey now... like clouds after a sudden summer storm and the girl behind the Slayer was exposed, vulnerable... and it made Spike want nothing more than to protect her for all eternity, ease her fears, buoy her heart -- love her forever. 

“Buffy... I’m sorry for the hurtful words... I... If I could take them all back this instant, I would. I’d give m’ life right now to take away your hurt, and knowing that I caused even a little of it...” Spike shook his head in regret. “I’m sorry, pet... you can’t know how sorry I am.

“But know this... I’m not Angel... I’m not Parker or Finn, and I won’t hurt you -- I’ll never leave you. I love you,” he assured her. “You do believe that, yeah?”

Buffy nodded slightly. His eyes held such confidence... such adoration, it was impossible to not believe him. “But other men have loved me... and left...” she pointed out. “I just drive them away.”

“Ahhh, well... that’s different, innit?” Spike questioned, cocking a brow at her. “How long you figure you’ve been tryin’ to drive me away, pet?”

Buffy rolled her eyes, a reluctant smile tugged at her lips; she could see where he was going with this. “A long time...” she admitted.

“Ain’t worked yet, now has it?” he pointed out.

Buffy snorted a soft laugh and shook her head, dropping her gaze down to her lap. “But that was different... I wanted you to go... now... now I want you to stay.”

Spike gently raised her eyes back up with one finger under her chin. “I’m not goin’ anywhere, Buffy. I promise. You couldn’t drive me away with a ten foot stake… I'm even _more_ determined to stay now than I was when I was just a pain in your shapely arse. You're _everything_ to me, pet. I walked this Earth for decades 'fore you were even born and I only met you a few years ago... But now I can't imagine my life without you."

Buffy sniffed and wiped at her eyes, still not completely convinced, but feeling slightly better for sharing her pain with him. But he just wasn’t getting it... she tried another tack to try and make him understand her fears more fully.

"Spike, there's more... something Dru said while she was taunting and torturing me at the mansion."

Spike groaned and hung his head back for a moment. "Buffy, don't give anything Dru said any more thought. She's out of her bloody mind and she was only tryin' to upset you."

"It's something she said about what you guys did back in the old days."

Spike looked at her nervously. "What... she tried filling your head with all the awful things I've done? That's not me anymore, Buffy. I wouldn't --"

"No, it wasn't about killing, it was about..." Buffy bit her lip. "About sex."

Spike was only slightly relieved. "Bloody hell... what did she tell you?" He had taken part in so many dirty, sinful, kinky acts in his time with Dru, she could've told Buffy any number of things. He hoped Dru hadn't shared anything about one thing in particular. "She told you Angel and I had it off, didn't she? It's a lie!"

"Spike, that wouldn't matter to me -- even if it was true. My best friend is a lesbian, remember? Personally, I think Willow is more bisexual... but I'd get my head bitten off if I told her my opinion on that -- so don't tell her I said that... ever. The point is, I don't judge people or think they're gross based on what gender they..." Buffy stopped because she could see how uncomfortable Spike was about this subject. Imagine _her_ making Big Bad uncomfortable! 

Buffy was too bashful to say that thinking about him and Angel having sex was actually titillating and not repugnant. It was best left unsaid, she knew Spike would _not_ want to hear her say anything about Angel and sex in the same sentence, even if she weren't too embarrassed to say it. Instead, Buffy corrected his assumption and went back to her point. "No, Dru didn't say you and him did stuff by yourselves, she said that you and Angel had threesomes with her... and I guess they'd be foursomes with Darla."

Spike looked down and swallowed hard. "You want to talk about _that_? You don't really want to hear about those things, do you?"

"No, I don't want to hear... details about the orgies in days of yore, but..." Buffy gulped nervously, "you did some really kinky stuff, huh?"

He shrugged slightly then nodded. Spike didn't want Buffy feeling inferior to Dru or any of his other lovers, he wanted her to know the slightest of her touches (or even just a smoldering look) made his body shake with desire. He knew he was a good lover, he'd left every woman he'd ever shagged with a big smile on her face and completely satisfied. But his confidence waned when it came to Buffy -- just like how he'd been nervous about their first date, some anxiety crept in when he thought of finally getting the chance to make love to Buffy. Would his worries about being 'perfect' to outshine her other lovers cause his performance to suffer?

"You know what the kinkiest thing I've done is?" Buffy asked.

Spike looked at her with interest, not anxious to hear about her experiences with other lovers, especially considering who they were, but curious about how kinky his girl could be. 

"Nothing," Buffy said flatly. "I've never done anything even _remotely_ kinky. You probably have a ton of great answers to: 'Where's the strangest place you've ever made whoopee?' You know what my answer is? In a dorm room. How sad is that?"

"Was Red trying to sleep in the next bed over? That'd be kinda kinky." Spike smirked, ignoring the fact that she was talking about shagging Riley in a dorm room.

Buffy laughed, "No! Willow wasn't there." She blushed like crazy at just the thought of knockin' boots with a third-party in the room. 

"Well..." Spike took a breath, "have you wanted to try something kinky? Got something in mind?" It was not easy to talk about sexual things with Buffy -- he wanted to act on his desires even more than usual right now. But talking about these things with her (without an attack of the hornies) was important, he'd have to try and focus.

"No... that's just it! I don't even know! I just... God, you're SO much more experienced than me..." Buffy put a hand over her eyes. "My sex life is so very lame... if it was a horse someone would've shot it by now."

"Was," Spike corrected her. 

"Huh?"

"You sex life _was_ lame. You're with me now, and once we..." Spike stopped and shook his head. "Sorry. No pressure..." He was afraid to say more suggestive things after the other night; he didn't want her to worry he'd try getting in her pants until she was absolutely ready.

Buffy's hand dropped away from her face, she looked at him. "No, go ahead, you can finish; we need to talk about this stuff. Once we...?" She needed to hear some reassurances to boost her ego, even if Spike didn't know firsthand how she was in bed, it might help to hear him say sweet, encouraging things.

"I'm just sayin' that when we... _do_ take that step, I'll happily indulge in whatever fantasies you have. You want to do it someplace kinky, like outdoors, then I'm all for it -- just not in the daytime, for obvious reasons." Spike looked up in thought. "Well, I s'pose we could do it under a blanket or a big, leafy tree... What was I sayin'...? Oh, right. If you want to use toys, then we'll get some fun things to use. We already opened up the subject of spanking, I'd be all for that." Spike raised and lowered his eyebrows, sticking the tip of his tongue out.

"You really like that idea, don't you?" Buffy giggled. 

"You might find you fancy it too once you've tried it. And if you don't, then that's okay too. We've all got certain things we prefer to do or not do in the boudoir. Just because you might not know what you’d like only means we can have that much more fun findin’ out, yeah?" Then Spike had an idea he thought she might like. "If you want, you could tie me up and blindfold me, make me the more vulnerable one. You'd be in total control. That might help ease your nerves the first time. I don't mind a spot of bondage."

Buffy pictured it and licked her lips, being in control and having such a beautiful, sexy man at her mercy appealed to a very naughty part of her. And it reminded her of the dream in which she'd fucked him while he was tied to a chair... But then she blinked and shook her head. "N-no, I couldn't do that."

"Sure you could, pet."

"Bondage is more of a third or fourth time thing, don't you think?" she joked.

"We can do whatever we want, whenever we want. We make up the rules for 'us', nobody else does."

She blushed more brightly. "Okay... I understand, I can be kinky as I want to be with you."

"Bloody well right you can." Spike was even more excited to be with Buffy now (if that was possible). There was so much he could teach her, so many things he could be the first to try with her. It was extremely arousing to imagine being her sexual professor, seeing her take to a particular act or position and see her joy at discovering something new and pleasurable. 

"You've done all those kinky things... hasn't it made regular sex boring?" Buffy wondered. She silently added, _'Won't *I* be boring compared to those kinkier, more experienced, sperm dumpster bimbos you've been with?'_

Spike understood that she was worried sex with her would be dull compared to his exploits over the last several decades. He also felt some anxiety about their first time. He was experienced and knew his way around a woman's body, but this was _Buffy_ , she was special. What if he did something she didn't like? What if he couldn't hold back and came too quickly, making her think he was a minuteman who only cared about getting himself off? He'd wanked it several times, fantasizing about Buffy while stroking his cock, and cumming explosively rather quickly. He hoped he'd be able to hold off until Buffy had cum a few times before he did. He wanted to make her head spin (in a non-literal way) before he got his.

Spike wondered how he should proceed. Should he just play it cool and confident, or share his worries with Buffy? His first instinct was to hide the fact that he was nervous too -- but, considering his first instinct was usually wrong, Spike decided to tell her. 

"I told you how nervous I was 'bout our first date... I haven't felt like that in ages. The truth is... I'm a bit nervous about the first time we'll be together, too."

Buffy blinked at him, surprised. "Why would it make _you_ nervous?"

"'Cos I want to be good... good enough for you; I want to make you happy. I want to be the best you've ever had and make you forget all about those plonkers you were with before."

"You're putting too much pressure on yourself to be..." She paused, shaking her head and chuckling at the irony. "And I'm doing the exact same thing so I really can't fault you for that. Spike, I don't think you have to worry about being 'good'. All that practice you've had..."

He shook his head. "All the practice in the bloody world doesn't matter; every new lover we take is different than the last. You're not just _any_ new lover, you're you, Buffy, you're literally the woman of my dreams... and I've _got to_ be good for you. You might find you don't like something... maybe you won't like my body or my style."

Buffy's eyes flicked up and down his body. "I don't see that happenin', Spike. I've seen your body and... me likey." She blushed (her face so hot she thought she might burst into flames) and looked down at her shoes, "well... let's just say I really like what I've seen. You've got an amazing body... all lean and muscle-y... and some _very_ impressive... parts..."

Spike smiled with pride. He knew he was well-endowed and was confident she wasn't disappointed in that part of his anatomy. Unless Finn had an enormous cock... But Spike would bet a million... no, he'd bet a _trillion-gazillion_ dollars that that wasn't the case -- boys who liked playing with big guns were usually trying to compensate for having a small dick. "I'm quite fond of how you look too, pet. You know you're bloody gorgeous." 

Buffy chuckled. "Like you don't know how hot you are? Please. _You're_ 'bloody gorgeous' and you know it. You can't be worried that I'll find something not to like about your..." her eyes drifted downward to his crotch before darting back up to look him in the eye, "...body." 

"Alright, we can agree that not being pleased with each other's body isn't gonna be an issue. As far as 'performance' goes... How 'bout this: _if_ there's something we aren't completely happy with or enjoying, we tell each other."

Buffy looked at him doubtfully. "Tara said the same thing. But that's... a hard thing to do... to say 'Hey, stop doing that, I don't like it.' I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings... _again_." She knew Spike could be wounded so easily emotionally, he'd probably be crushed if she said she didn't like something he did in bed... just like she'd be if he told her the same thing.

"I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings, either. But I do want you to tell me if you don't fancy something I do, or if there's something you _reallllly_ fancy. Pleasing my woman and making sure she's 100% satisfied is my #1 job, any helpful suggestions you want to give as we go will be welcome. Promise, I won't take offense. There's a learning curve with new lovers, it can take some time to learn what makes them squeal with pleasure or have them praying you just finish quick so they can get some sleep. We'll learn what makes each other happiest, but only if we're brave enough to share what we like and don't like."

Buffy smiled and nodded, trying to let go of some of her anxiety. Knowing Spike was a bit nervous about performing for her, actually comforted her a bit. And it was very reassuring to hear him say he wasn't expecting the first time to be 'perfect'. "Okay. And you can tell me if there's... stuff I do that you like or don't like too -- as long as you say it in a nice way." 

"I know me just sayin' so doesn't make the worries go away, but you really don't have to be nervous about us... sleeping together. How can I make you understand how much I want you, how much I love you..." 

"I know you love me... and want me... you've proven that lots of times. But... what if I'm just not good in bed? You'll get bored so fast and wish you'd found out sooner that I'm a cold fish... What if I just don't meet your expectations... what if I can't hold your interest?" She pouted -- and Spike couldn't resist that pouty lip.

Spike put his hands on the sides of her face and kissed her lips softly. He'd give anything to know the right words to put her fears to rest forever. His poor, sweet, beautiful Buffy just couldn't let her feelings of inadequacy go. And he _knew_ she was wrong thinking that about herself. True, he hadn't made love to her yet, but everything else he knew about her told him that she would be an amazing lover.

The only thing he could do was to keep reassuring her that her perceptions about her sexual prowess were wrong. And, when the time _did_ come for them to sleep together, Spike would lavish her with praise and pleasure to let her know how wrong those negative voices in her head were. She was a sexy, passionate, beautiful woman, Spike had no doubt she could please him; he would help convince her of the truth.

"Listen to me, an' listen good -- it's not just your body that I love... though it is _quite_ impressive..." He smirked a little as his eyes wandered over her body for a moment before returning her gaze. "I love _you_ , Buffy Summers." He raised her hand to his lips and kissed it gently. "Every idiosyncrasy, every tiny flaw... I love everything about you... everything that makes you... _you_."

Buffy smiled, wiping away another happy tear. Spike was on another 'saying exactly what she needed to hear' streak.

Spike kissed her tenderly again. "You know... all those times I imagined what it'd be like to kiss you... none of it compared to the real thing. The real Buffy kissing me is a thousand bloody times better than any dream or fantasy, 'cos it's _you_ and not some figment. I can feel the warmth of your body against me, your heart beating with excitement, your hot lips and tongue dueling with mine, your hands touching me, the scent of your arousal... Trust me, you can do no wrong, pet." His voice got huskier as his eyes roamed over her face. "You drive me mad without even tryin'."

Buffy sighed dreamily, put her arms around him and stared into his stormy blue eyes. His passion for her was crystal clear in those darkened blue eyes... "Say something poet-y," she requested with a grin.

"Puttin' me on the spot..." Spike laughed lightly and smoothed his hand over her blonde hair. Then he looked intensely back into her eyes. "How I long for the pleasure of your touch... the ecstasy of your kiss." Spike didn't get to finish his spur of the moment poem. 

Buffy slid her hand to the back of his head and pulled him to her, seizing his lips with hers. Her other hand rested on his knee, then moved slowly up his thigh. She felt Spike's length beneath the denim of his jeans, her heart was beating like a bass drum and she felt swoony again. 

"How 'bout," Spike said once they broke for air (and gently moved her hand back down to his knee), "we won't even talk about havin' sex for a month? At the end of that month, we'll see if we're both ready. If not, we wait another month, and so on and so forth." He was mentally kicking himself in the ass for even saying the words. But Buffy's peace of mind and comfort were the most important things. Nothing was more important than Buffy being relaxed and wanting him as much as he wanted her when the time came.

"A month..." Buffy thought it over. "Yeah... we can try that, that'll take the pressure off." She didn't tell him, now that they'd had 'the talk', she planned on tomorrow night being **the** night. She still had all the things she'd bought for their perfect, romantic first time. The only thing she'd need to do was have Willow add a few more songs to the CD of romantic songs before tomorrow night. She knew Spike was definitely ready for them to be intimate and wouldn't mind her suddenly springing it on him. And she wanted to see the look on this face when he realized _she_ was ready too.

"You remember the last time we sat here like this?" Buffy asked.

Spike nodded.

"I didn't give it much significance at the time, but thinking back on it now... that was a big example of how much you'd already changed. You comforted me, gave me a shoulder to cry on. And that was after we'd had that serious talk... and fight about Slayers. The same night I found out my mom was going in for tests... that she might be very sick."

He nodded again, afraid to say what his original intent was when he'd gone to her house that night.

"You were gonna shoot me," Buffy said knowingly.

Spike looked at her apprehensively.

"I know I wounded you when I shoved you to the ground after you tried to kiss me... then I threw the money at you instead of just handing it to you... and that 'you're beneath me' thing I said... I made you feel humiliated... I was insulting and rude and horrible to you; I didn't handle the situation well at all... I can understand why you might've started seeing red and wanted to kill me."

Spike sighed. "I wondered why you never asked why I showed up in your backyard with a shotgun... I didn't plan on telling you what it was I wanted to do... especially not since we've been seeing each other."

"What changed your mind about blowing my head off?" Buffy questioned, though she was pretty sure she already knew the answer.

"I saw you sittin' there... crying. Seeing your face wet with tears made my heart bloody well melt. The anger that'd been boiling inside me was suddenly gone, all I felt was concern for you... I knew I could never hurt you again, no matter how cruel or dismissive I felt you were to me.

"Buffy, I want you to know that I know you had a right to do and say the things you did to me that night. I was tryin' to spook you... only way I _could_ scare you or get under your skin anymore was with words. I'm sorry for doin' it that way now, but..." He trailed off and shrugged slightly, thinking that only more trouble could come from thinking or talking about that time. Spike didn't want Buffy thinking about the Slayers he'd killed or how much pride (and pleasure) he'd taken in the killings.

Buffy rubbed his knee comfortingly. "But you weren't lying... What you said was the truth, it was just hard for me to accept... that's why I was so cold to you; you _did_ scare me." She sighed, thinking about his 'lessons' that night. "I think all Slayers do have a death wish, including me... A fascination with what awaits us... and a part of us looks forward to the continuous battles to finally be over. You were right."

Spike was getting choked up again at the thought of Buffy dying (and a small part of her even _wanting_ to die). Why did he have to say such horrible things to her in the past? His old attitude was coming back to haunt him (and Buffy, too, apparently). He rubbed her shoulder and kissed the side of her face. "You're gonna be around a long, long time, pet. I'll make sure of it. No other Slayer's ever had the support you've got, that's why you'll keep winning and live to fight another day. You've got me and your mates behind you, fighting by your side; you'll never be alone."

Buffy sniffled and nodded. That was partly true -- she knew she could count on her friends, and now Spike, backing her up. But a Slayer really was alone in her calling, in her duties, in her sacrifices. Though, having her friends and Spike behind her did make her feel less lonely. 

She wanted to lighten things up again. "Another thing about that night... I was wigged when you tried to kiss me, it took me by surprise." Buffy smiled at him and held his hand tighter. "If I'd known how _amazing_ a kisser you were, I wouldn't've been so opposed."

Spike smirked. "What about when we were engaged because of Willow's spell? We did a lotta snogging at Rupert's flat."

"Well... I tried telling myself it was only _the spell_ that made your kisses so hot... Yeah, I know, I was the ultimate Queen of Denial," she chuckled. "But now I know that was no spell -- the way you kiss really does have the power to make me melt into a gelatinous substance."

Spike laughed lightly and nodded in agreement. "Yours have the same effect on me. 'Specially those power-snogs." He smiled a bit, thinking fondly back on their brief engagement. When it had worn off, Spike had been pissed off at being magically manipulated, but now he only regretted that he and Buffy hadn't kissed for the first time of their own freewill. 

"You know, it's so weird how every song I heard made me think of you the last couple days... Even songs we never danced to or heard while we were together, like 'Hopelessly Devoted To You'. I heard that in Willy's, of all places." Buffy laughed. 

"Yeah, I heard that on the juke at Willy's too," Spike said, then frowned as he remembered Willy strongly implying that Buffy had said she was ashamed of being with Spike. He dropped his gaze down to the steps again.

"What?" Buffy asked, leaning forward to see his face better. She put her hand on his knee. "Did... I say something wrong?"

"No." Spike shook his head. "Just somethin' Willy said..."

Buffy's eyes narrowed -- if Willy was trying to make trouble between them, she'd wring his scrawny neck. "What'd he say?"

Spike cleared his throat (he noticed he was doing a lot of throat-clearing during this conversation), then said, "Willy mentioned you were in the bar earlier."

"Yeah, and...?"

"He... _implied_ that you'd said you were ashamed of being with me... and that he wouldn't defend a chick who treated him like that. The blighter even tried givin' me advice about women." Spike rolled his eyes. "Imagine me takin' dating advice from _him_? I'd bloody well stake m'self if I ever got that desperate."

Buffy grit her teeth. "That little weasel... I did _not_ say anything even _close_ to that!" She wracked her brain trying to think of what she could've possibly said to give Willy that impression (or did he just lie to Spike to cause trouble? That was a distinct possibility...). Then it occurred to her. "Oh... I think he took what I said wrong..."

"What'd you say?" Spike asked, pouting slightly and looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

"I said he'd better not go around telling people that you and I are dating. The _only reason_ I threatened him about that was 'cause I didn't want the other demons to be even more pissed at you for actually dating me. It wasn't because I'm ashamed of you, Spike, I just didn't want to cause you more trouble." She put her hand on his cheek and turned his head gently so she could look him in the eye. "Okay?" she asked softly as she stroked his cheek.

A little smile turned up the corners of Spike's mouth; he believed her. "Okay."

They pressed their lips together, sharing a soft, sweet kiss.

Dawn opened the back door, Spike and Buffy stopped kissing and turned their heads toward her.

"Hi, Spike."

"Hey, Nibblet."

"I just wanted to let you know I'm going to bed," Dawn told Buffy. 

"Okay. You get that homework done?"

Dawn nodded. "I'm full of Chinese food and drowsy now. You guys making up again?"

They smiled at each other. "Yeah, we are," Buffy replied.

"That's good. Try not to screw something else up for at least a week. You can make a game of it -- if you can go a few days without fighting, you get a special reward -- like going bowling or mini-golfing. Night!" Dawn shut the door, and then went up to her room.

"I really want to smack her sometimes..." Buffy grumbled.

Spike chuckled. "She's just takin' the piss outta us, Buffy. And she's right, we gotta try harder to not upset each other for a while."

"Let's make a pact: No matter what we have going on -- if we've had a fight or we're just extra-busy -- we at least call each other every day to check in. I hated not knowing where you were or if you were okay..."

Spike nodded then kissed her forehead. "Sorry I put you through that, pet. Sorry I put m'self through it, too... Okay, it's a deal; we call each other even if it's just to say hello." A minute passed before Spike asked, "With all the problems we've had... you're _really_ , _absolutely_ sure you want to be with me?" 

"I could ask you the same question. My answer is yes, I do want to be with you. I was miserable without you... wondering where you were, what you were doing and thinking. Yeah, it's possible that we might drive each other crazy... but the alternative, not being with you at all, would be worse. I was crying at card tricks I was so depressed..."

Spike smiled and hugged her a little tighter against his side. "Didn't take much to get my waterworks started either," he admitted with a weary sigh. "Seems like someone or something is hell-bent on keepin' us apart, don't it? I like that explanation better than it's just us bein' daft gits who can't get it right."

"Yeah, let's go with that -- some evil force is trying to keep us star-crossed lovers apart. Damn those evildoers," Buffy said with mock-anger, shaking a fist at the sky at their unseen (and most likely, imaginary) oppressors. "Well, we'll show them -- we'll be together, no matter what."

"Just you wait, luv -- one day we'll look back on all these pitfalls we've had and we'll laugh."

"You think so, huh? How long before they become funny?" Buffy asked, smiling skeptically.

"Uh... months...? Well... maybe it'll take a few years... a decade or two at most. But we _will_ laugh about 'em, I know that much. We'll be so blissfully bloody happy and in love we'll make everyone around us want to heave with jealousy. We'll get there," Spike said with a nod of certainty, trying to be positive. 

A few minutes of silent cuddling and stargazing later, Buffy groaned, "I can't believe you were going to try blowing up Glory..."

Spike sighed and shrugged. "Thought it might work."

"Well... it wasn't a _totally_ stupid plan; we can give it some more consideration. I'm still not convinced even explosives will kill her -- a building fell down on the bitch like the Wicked Witch of the East and she was fine -- but it might be worth a try if we get desperate enough. If we do decide on a plan like that, we do it _together_ as a team. And preferably _without_ one of us getting blown up in the process."

Spike nodded. "Alright. No more going rogue for me; I'll talk to you 'bout any ideas I have before putting them into action."

Buffy nodded with her head against his shoulder. She yawned suddenly, putting her hand to her mouth.

"Tired, pet?" Spike asked with a little smile. He could sympathize, he was ready to drop too.

She nodded as her yawn went on a few seconds longer. "Didn't get much sleep the last couple days."

"Me, neither," he sighed.

"Tired as I am, I still wanted to go looking for you in the park. But I couldn't leave Dawn alone in the house."

"Joyce isn't home?" Spike frowned, looking back at the door. It was late and it wasn't like Joyce to stay out 'til the wee hours. "Where'd she go?"

Buffy grinned. "She went out to dinner with her friends from the gallery. _And_ there's a cute guy who happens to be interested in her, who she is also interested in."

Spike smiled too, glad that Joyce was feeling well enough now to be thinking of starting a new romance. "That's a bit of good news! Joyce gettin' her groove back is marvelous."

Buffy nodded. "I'm really happy about it, Dawn is too. Though... I don't like putting it that way, 'getting her groove back', sounds too... sexual. Gives me the wiggins to think of my mom.... doin'... _stuff_. I'll just pretend her and the new guy are playing checkers every time they go out. It was extremely awkward when I talked to her about me having sex -- I gotta give Mom credit though, she didn't run away like I'd want to if she talked to me about her and a guy."

"I'll have to investigate this new bloke, make sure he checks out alright. Can't have Joyce goin' out with a tosser... or another killer robot."

Buffy laughed. "Uh-uh, you and me are _not_ going to talk smack or pass judgment on anyone's boyfriend or girlfriend. Unless this guy -- his name's Brian, by the way -- is a total jerk or weirdo, we keep our mouths shut and just accept him."

"Hmm, y'know, you're right."

"Of course I am, I'm always right," Buffy joked, smirking. "That's one lesson I would've thought you'd've learned by now."

Spike cocked a brow at her, but acquiesced her ‘rightness’ with an eyeroll. "We'd be doin' to Joyce what most everyone else is doin' to us. Right," Spike said with a nod, "no rushing to judgment about the tosser."

Buffy yawned again.

"Why don't you go to bed an' get some sleep, pet? I've got a few Z's to catch up on, too."

Buffy nodded as they stood up, then she looked at him bashfully. "Um, would you want to come in and stay for a little while?"

"Thought you were goin' to bed?"

"I am."

Spike's eyebrows went up, otherwise, he went completely still. He was afraid to respond with either words or body language because he didn't know what she was asking... Buffy wanted him to go to bed with her? Now? Tonight?

Buffy clarified, "I thought it'd be nice to... just lie in bed together without any hanky-panky -- just... holding each other and being close. You know... _actually_ sleeping together without it being code for sex." Buffy looked down at her shoes and sighed. "That's a bad idea, isn't it? You're probably hesitant to get back in a bed with me after how I hurt you the last time. And you probably have better things to do besides taking a nap with me... and I know that must sound really childish and needy and..."

"There's _nothing_ I'd rather do right now, Buffy." He took her hand and kissed it. And I'm not wary 'bout being in the same bed with you. I know we'll get past the cock-blocking ghosts of the past and the other, less pleasant Buffys in your head. 'Sides, I could do with a good cuddle."

Buffy laughed lightly at the phrase 'cock-blocking ghosts'.

Spike kissed her hand again, then held it, caressing it between his hands. "After thinkin' I'd never get to hold you again... I fancy your idea, too." Spike did like the idea for a few reasons -- he would get to lay in bed with Buffy, holding her in his arms, and he could show her he wasn't an animal, he could control himself and not turn it into something sexual.

"You're sure it's not too... lame?" she asked, afraid that after all his years of shagging anytime he wanted, that just cuddling would seem... well, lame, to him.

Spike chuckled and shook his head. "No, not lame at all."

"Good." Buffy smiled and put her arms around his middle, leaning up to give him a peck on the lips. "It's just... after the bad stuff the last couple days, I'm not ready for you to leave yet..."

"You don't have to explain why, Buffy. I understand," Spike assured her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. 

Buffy took his hand and walked up the porch steps, pulling him along with her (not that she had to pull, Spike was very willingly following her lead). "We have to be quiet, okay? I don't want Dawn thinking we're going to my room to... y'know...."

"Quiet as a church mouse, luv," Spike promised, raising an index finger to his lips. 

He was strangely nervous about just lying in bed with Buffy. It wasn't nervousness exactly, it was more like exhilaration. Lying in bed together (even without any sex) was an intimate thing. Spike was elated that Buffy still wanted to be close to him after what happened at the crypt; she was obviously having some problems with intimacy because of her experiences with her former boyfriends, but she was still willing to try again. He would have to be extra patient and gentle with her, but he was prepared to wait a lifetime for Buffy.

* * *

After Buffy turned on the porch light for her mom, she and Spike walked quietly up the stairs to her bedroom. She turned on the overhead light and closed the door behind them.

Spike took a deep breath as he looked around the room. Images from his nightmare came back to him, but he tried to drive those dream memories out of his head. That was a nightmare, just some of his biggest fears coming home to roost. But this was real -- there would be no angry, cold-hearted Buffy, there sure as hell wouldn't be any Tall, Dark, and Forehead eloping with her to Vegas, and no staking. As long as none of those things happened while he was in her bedroom, Spike would be a happy vamp.

"I feel privileged bein' invited into the inner sanctum." This was the first time Buffy actually _invited_ him into her bedroom. The only other times he'd been in here were his clandestine visits to nick a few mementos (and to fill her in on Riley's secret, late night trips to the vamp whorehouse).

Buffy did a quick scan of her bedroom to make sure there weren't any dirty clothes lying on the floor, her bed was made, and her tables weren't cluttered. "I'm thankful now that I went on that cleaning binge the last couple days, my room is spic-and-span. My bedroom is actually fit to be seen by other people for once."

"Yeah," Spike said with a playful smirk, "you know what a clean freak I am. If I'd seen _one_ ," he held up a forefinger, "just one dirty sock on the floor, I woulda scarpered. A dirty house is the Devil's playground, that's my motto."

Buffy laughed, went over to her closet and brought out her fuzzy blue bathrobe. She turned her back to Spike (feeling a bit modest) and stripped off her shirt. Spike's eyes widened -- she was undressing in front of him?

Buffy looked shyly over her shoulder at him as she pulled on the robe and cinched it. "The robe's comfier than my shirt."

Spike nodded, his eyes looking a little glazed. "Yeah, looks... comfy."

"Is it okay for me to... do that in front of you? I don't want to torture you with peeks of my gorgeous body," Buffy joked as she removed her shoes and socks.

"Nah, its... it's good." No way was Spike going to discourage her from undressing (even modestly) in front of him. "It's a good thing. It shows you're... getting more comfortable around me in various states of undress."

"Make yourself comfortable," Buffy said as she sat at her vanity table and began brushing her hair. "I'll be right over when I finish. I learned from Marcia Brady that you should give your hair a hundred strokes with a brush every night before going to bed."

Spike chuckled and started to take off his coat, then stopped and wondered if she wanted him to keep it on. Then he went ahead and took off the coat anyway -- Buffy would tell him if she wanted him to put it back on. He couldn't be worried every little thing would upset her, they really would drive each other mad if they were that overly cautious. 

Spike held in another chuckle when he saw a pig plush toy on Buffy's bed. He suppressed a smirk and tried to make his voice sound serious. "Damn... you've moved on, 'aven't you? Someone else has been sharing your bed," he said as he picked up the stuffed animal. "I've pushed you into the arms of another..." Spike thought to himself, _'Well, the pig *is* a step up from Angel and Captain Cardboard.'_

Buffy frowned, wondering if Spike was going to start accusing her of sleeping with someone else now. A lot of counter-arguments began forming in her head. "What are you t--" She looked in the mirror, forgetting for a moment she wouldn't be able to see Spike. But she did see Mr. Gordo floating in mid-air. 

Spike smirked and held up the pig, pushing on the back of its head to make it nod. "Oink, oink."

Buffy laughed and turned around in her chair. "Oh, that's just Mr. Gordo. You don't have to be jealous of him, the love we share is purely platonic." 

Spike raised an eyebrow.

"Hey, don't look at me like that." Buffy smiled, stood up and walked over to Spike. She took the pig from him, hugging Mr. Gordo to her chest and rocking him. "He's my favorite toy from when I was little. He's helped me get through some tough times. I know you think it's just silly."

"I think it's bloody adorable that the Slayer, the one girl in all the world who stands against the demons, sleeps with a stuffed piggy. Full of contradictions, you are. I love that about you."

Buffy put Mr. Gordo up on the shelf he usually occupied. She wouldn't be needing the comfort of her faithful friend tonight, she had Spike to cuddle.

"He's not the jealous type, is he?" Spike asked, eyeing the pig warily. "Wouldn't want him going into a jealous rage and attacking me in my sleep."

"I told you, he's just a friend," Buffy reassured Spike, just barely managing not to laugh. "Mr. Gordo is a peaceful piggy, totally non-violent."

"That's a relief. I've seen those wild boars on the nature channel... savage beasts. Wouldn't want to tangle with one of those. I think the bloody bears are even afraid of those nasty buggers."

"No worries, as a platinum blond vamp I know would say."

They both looked at the bed at the same time.

"Let's get comfy, shall we?" Buffy asked, turning on the bedside lamp, and then switching off the overhead light. She sat on the bed and scooted back to give Spike room to get on with her. "Why don't you take off your boots too."

Before taking off his boots, Spike went to the windows and drew the blinds. He explained, "In case I don't wake up before Mr. Sunshine comes streamin' in."

"Wise precaution... sorry I didn't think of it."

"You wouldn't mind me still bein' here in the morning?"

"If you don't mind having to run home covered with a blanket, then I'd like you to stay as long as possible."

Spike was smiling as he removed his boots and got into bed with Buffy. He lay on his back, Buffy rolled onto her side, resting her head on the hollow of his shoulder. She put her hand on the middle of his chest, unconsciously rubbing in slow circles. Spike wrapped his arms loosely around her, stroking her back and shoulder the same way she was rubbing his chest. 

They both let out a sigh of contentment, then were quiet for several minutes. Buffy tilted her face up to look at him. They lay in each others' arms, looking deep into each others' eyes; breathing each others' breath and just holding each other. 

Talking things out was a good way to exorcise those inner demons, but just gazing into Spike's eyes told her so much. Buffy saw such love and devotion in those cerulean blue eyes, such affection... in that moment, she became more convinced her heart would be safe in his care. He wouldn't hurt her like the others had... she could see that Spike would do _anything_ to be hers. He would keep those promises he'd made. He would always love her... even if she proved to be merely adequate between the sheets, although she still longed to be much more than that, for him. She longed to be the goddess of Spike’s dreams... even if it was a slightly flawed goddess. What was it Spike had said earlier? Love is putting someone else’s needs and happiness above your own... something like that... If that was true, then she was doubly sure she was in love, because she wanted nothing more than to make him the happiest man in the world, in and out of the bedroom. 

Spike pressed a light kiss to Buffy's forehead. She touched his left hand, caressing and tracing it with her fingers. She looked down and pouted as she traced the skull ring she'd given him. What saddened her wasn't that it was mashed up, it was why it had gotten mashed up. Recalling how she'd panicked wasn't a pleasant memory; it was like a waking nightmare. She'd embarrassed herself and broke Spike's heart, making him think he'd done something to her against her will. He'd been ready to end his life because he thought he'd betrayed her trust. Buffy thanked God (or whoever/whatever) for keeping the worst from happening before they saw each other again. The thought of him being _gone_ caused tears to form in her eyes again.

Spike saw her bottom lip jut out. He smiled softly and tilted her face back up to meet her eyes, then shook his head, telling her not to be sad.

Buffy raised his hand to her lips and kissed his finger, just above the ring. They smiled at each other and leaned in for another light kiss. Spike softly kissed and sucked on her bottom lip before laying his head back down on the pillow. Buffy snuggled against him, moving her head onto his shoulder again. She couldn't help the soft sigh that escaped her throat as she took comfort in his embrace.

"By the way," Buffy said, breaking the silence, "I talked to your friend _Bridget_." Buffy was teasing him, but was still a teensy bit annoyed.

Spike's brow furrowed. "Who?"

"Oh, you know, the female bartender with the short, dark hair at the Bronze? Brown eyes, big boobs? Ringing any bells?"

Spike smiled. "Oh, the sassy barmaid? I wouldn't exactly call her my 'friend'."

"What would you call her then? An acquaintance? A well-wisher? A potential _shagging_ partner? She said you flirt with her all the time." Buffy looked up at him, raising an eyebrow.

"I bloody well do not! Just... sometimes I turn on the charm to see what I can get her to do for me... and that did not come out right." Spike swallowed. "What I meant is... I put on a flirty smile and give her the look..." Spike demonstrated by smiling slightly and slowly blinking his eyes. "And I compliment 'er, but only to see if she'll give me a free drink or basket of spicy wings."

"Well, I don't like it," Buffy said curtly. "She seriously wants to jump your bones. She asked me if you were single and might need some 'cheering up'. So stop with the flirtage with other females. First Frenchy at the restaurant and now a barmaid at the Bronze."

Spike grinned.

"What're you smiling about?" Buffy asked with mock-annoyance and flicking his stomach with a forefinger. "I'm serious, buster."

"It just... makes me happy that you're actually _jealous_ another girl might be interested in me."

"There ain't no 'might' about it when it comes to Bridget -- she wants your bod. I don't blame her, but I will have to rip her hair out by the roots if I see her coming on to you. And you don’t know what I’d do to _you_ if you turn on the charm with anyone other than me... So I'd better not catch you giving another woman that sexy half-smile and slow blinking thing -- that's reserved for me, and me alone, from now on. Got it?"

"Yeah, I think I get the message." Spike chuckled. Buffy wanting to do bodily harm to a woman who flirted with him made Spike feel like he'd burst with happiness. "In that case, I'll have to do my share of scarin' off blokes who try chatting you up too. Tit for tat, y'know?"

"Oh yeah, gentleman callers are just lined up around the block waiting to ask me for a date," Buffy said, rolling her eyes.

"You're a beautiful woman, inside an' out. That's what most men are lookin' for. Unless it's absolutely necessary, I'd rather you didn't... mingle with that doctor."

"Ben?"

Spike nodded.

"The same Ben you _encouraged_ me to 'chat up' once?" Buffy teased.

"Yeah... _that_ Ben. I know he's hot for you. _And_ I only encouraged that when I was convinced I'd be nothin' but bad for you. I don't believe that anymore; I know we'll be good for each other."

Buffy smiled, gratified that Spike was displaying some jealousy too. "You don't have to worry about Ben. If I didn't have you? Yeah, maybe I'd like to go out with him. But I _do_ have you, and you're all I need. Ben's nice, but he could never make me feel the way you do. Plus, he's _normal_ , and me and normal aren't mixy. I learned that the hard way. There's also the long, awkward explanation I'd have to give to a normal guy when he finds out I'm 'different'."

"True, not a lot of blokes are turned on by a girlfriend who could snap their spines like a toothpick, or a girl who turns out to be a mystical warrior. I, on the other hand, find that extremely attractive. I'm drawn to strong women, and you're the strongest I've ever met. We challenge each other intellectually.... and physically. And we're learning... unfortunately very slowly, how to talk to each other, how to just... be together."

Buffy nodded, she couldn't agree more about having a mate that challenged you. Not only did it keep you on your toes, it kept things interesting. Spike stimulated her on so many levels, she thought that was a very good indication of them having a happy future together.

Buffy cuddled him tighter for a moment. "This kind of thing -- the fully-clothed snuggling -- will really be enough for you?" Buffy asked, feeling wicked in a good way (as well as kinda guilty) for keeping her intentions for tomorrow night a secret.

Spike nodded. "I'll keep my passion... under control until we're both comfortable and the time is right." After a pause, Spike said, "I did some reminiscing since we saw each other last. I visited places around town where we'd squared off or had some kind of confrontation... I was horrible to you. I was cruel, hateful, I tried to kill you and your friends more than once... and I tried to stitch you up whenever possible."

"Stitch me up? Was my white, fluffy stuffing coming out?"

Spike rolled his eyes and sighed good-naturedly before explaining. "Set you up for a fall... like I did with Adam. In spite of all that, all the evil things I've done... you're willing to give me a chance..." Spike took a breath and let it out slowly while shaking his head.

"Some people think I'm pretty stupid for doing that," Buffy pointed out with a sigh.

"I know... and they're not wrong to be suspicious, considerin' my track record. They want the best for you and... they don't believe I fit that bill. But..." he pulled back to look her in the eye, "you know I've changed... you know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you again." He smiled at seeing her nod. 

"I know, Spike. Other people might not see it yet, but I have. It frustrates me that they don't see what I see in you... but I think they will, it'll just take some time."

Spike held her closer and kissed her softly on the lips. "You're an amazing woman, Buffy... and I'm the luckiest man on earth to be with you. I'll _never_ forget how lucky I am. But," he added with a smirk, "that don't mean I'm gonna be your bitch. I'll call you on something if I don't think you're right, and I won't fetch you your slippers every night... unless your feet are really cold."

Buffy laughed. "I don't want an obedient butler or a puppy, I want a boyfriend. I want for both of us to do sweet, thoughtful things for each other, not just you for me or me for you. And I don't want someone who always agrees with me, or just goes along with whatever I want... not _all_ the time, anyway -- agreeing with me about some things would be nice. So that works for me. I just hope you don't get too... impatient with me."

"I won't get tired of waiting 'til you're ready, luv. You forget, I've had to be _astonishingly_ patient with other women in my life. Dru's insanity and Harm's stupidity could test the patience of a bloody saint. So don't you fret 'bout me havin' to be patient. I've done it before, and I'm more committed to making 'us' work more than any other relationship I've ever been in."

Buffy let out another contented sigh. He'd mentioned his exes, but he was insulting them -- so she didn't mind him saying their names this time. 

They were quiet for a few minutes. Then Buffy said, "There was something else Dru said that keeps coming back to me..."

Spike winced and groaned. "Pet... please don't dwell on anything else Dru said. She was just tryin' to --"

"Will you just listen?" Buffy asked, poking him in the stomach.

He sighed, relenting. "Alright... I'm listenin'." Spike hoped it wasn't something too awful that would make him have to defend himself and his actions back in the old days or something that fed into Buffy's insecurities.

"Dru told me that I was in love with you, and she was totally convinced it was true. I think that's why she was so determined to make me suffer and kill me, she didn't want me to have you. She said I wanted to play with your... umm..." Buffy decided to rephrase what Dru said (that she wanted to play with Spike's cock). "She said she knew I... _wanted_ you but I was in denial about my true feelings. She was surprised when I told her I didn't love you."

Spike raised his brows and blinked. "Wow... Dru was really off on that one."

"That's the thing... I think Dru was right."

Spike lowered one eyebrow, keeping the other raised, and gave her a puzzled look. "But you said you didn't fall for me until our first date."

"Yeah, but I had... naughty thoughts about you sometimes, I never planned on acting on them back then. That was before I knew you were capable of being a good guy and really loving me, so I couldn't let myself feel anything like lust for you. 

"But I do think Dru was right about me being in love with you... her timing was just off. I think she knew I _would_ love you, she knew it but got the 'when' mixed up."

Spike thought back on his time with Dru, then nodded slowly. "Yeah, that did happen to her sometimes... She'd see something in a vision and be a bit early or late. Sometimes she'd wake up screaming about some calamity that was about to befall us, but it'd be something that already happened weeks, years, even decades ago. And there were times when she talked as if something happened, but it hadn't occurred yet."

"I still hate Dru for everything's she's done, but... in a way, she's the one who brought us together. She came here to 'save' you and kill me to keep us apart, but her coming here actually made it happen. I don't know if I ever would've believed you could be a good man if you didn't do everything you could to protect me that night."

"That's a brilliant example of irony -- she came here to prevent us from being together, but she was the one who brought it about. Don't think Dru would appreciate the irony, though..."

"You doing what you did for me that night is what forced me to change the way I see you; Dru made me begin to realize that I really was in deep denial. I won't go as far to say I owe Dru _thanks_... but I'm grateful something _good_ came out of that horrible night." Buffy closed her eyes and hugged Spike. She wasn't thrilled to be talking about Dru, but she felt the urge to share her thoughts.

Spike nodded. "I wonder if she's realized it yet? That she was the catalyst that brought us together... If she has, I hope she flew into a rage and killed that tosser Joshua -- no way in hell that boy would have a clue 'bout how to handle one of Dru's... _tantrums_."

Buffy hoped Joshua got his comeuppance courtesy of an enraged (and, of course, insane) Drusilla, too. "It was beyond freaky when she would know _exactly_ what I was thinking at certain moments... I don't remember her being _that_ psychic the last time she was in town. Was she always like that, able to read your thoughts?" 

"Not always... but sometimes, yeah. She's had spells over the years when her abilities were sharper, focused like a bloody laser beam; it came and went. She was much harder to live with when her powers were enhanced... being around someone who picks up on every passing thought you have ain't exactly a bloody picnic. We usually took separate vacations when she was like that. 

"But her powers were definitely heightened during her last visit... She knew how I felt, what I was feeling and thinking, straightaway. I tried lying to her and saying my life in Sunnyhell was idyllic... but she knew the truth -- she saw right through me. She knew about the chip, how I couldn't hunt or be a proper vampire... she knew what I'd been reduced to.

"I would've been shit outta luck if she'd been 'on' when I made the truce with you to bring down Angelus. But, even if her powers had been sharp, I don't think she would've picked up on what I was up to... she was so bloody focused on _him_."

"Alrighty, and _that_ marks the end of us talking about Drusilla," Buffy announced. 

"You're the one who brought 'er up, luv," Spike pointed out.

"Yeah, 'cause I wanted to make the ironic observation about her being the one that really brought us together to fall in love. From now on, my bed or yours -- let's just say _any_ bed -- is a 'No Talking about Dru Zone'."

"Suits me," Spike replied. "And I'd appreciate the same courtesy from you -- no talkin' about exes while we're in bed... better yet, let's never bring up any of those wankers you've dated." 

"I don't think that's a good idea, Spike... Sometimes we might have questions about each other's relationships, I don't want us to hold back or be afraid to ask anything."

He sighed dramatically. "Yeah... alright."

Buffy wanted to set things up for tomorrow night. She was still nervous about having sex with Spike, nervous about giving her heart and body to another man, but she wanted him too much; she wouldn't let her insecurities get in the way any longer. "Um, you want to come to the house tomorrow for dinner? We can have steaks." 

"That's steak: s-t-E-A-K, right?" he joked.

"Yes, the kind of _steak_ that's made out of meat," Buffy giggled. "We don't gnaw on pieces of wood like termites. We'll leave a steak raw, just for you."

"That'd be lovely. But can the three of you stomach seeing me eat a raw, bloody steak?" Spike wondered.

"I think we can handle it, yeah. Dawn likes her steak and burgers extra pink. Plus, Dawn drizzled your cake and ice cream with pig's blood, I don't think raw steak would squick her. And my mom is a mom -- mom's have seen and cleaned up the most disgusting things in the world without complaining. As for me, I'm the Slayer and I've seen plen'ny of things grosser than my boyfriend munching on uncooked meat."

"Alright then... I'd be happy to join the Summers clan for dinner." 

Spike seemed a little hesitant to her. "You're not worried my mom's going to corner you again, are you? I promise there will be absolutely no serious chats about anything." 

Spike shook his head. "Nah, I think Joyce said her peace. But I _will_ sit down an' talk with her again if she wants to. I'd walk through the fires o' Hell itself for you, pet. And nothing she can say will make me change my mind about you... about us. I love you and I'm never leaving your side... 'cept when you have to use the loo and those sorta things."

Buffy giggled again. "I'd appreciate that; I do like my privacy when using the _loo_. Seriously though, it's going to be a nice, fun evening... that is, if you consider dinner and then playing board games fun..."

"I'll be here and ready to tuck into a nice, bloody steak -- and perhaps beat the pants off you at Trivial Pursuit -- shortly after sundown. All I ask is we don't play Twenty Questions or Charades."

"Why not those games?" Buffy asked with a smile.

"Bad associations... Harmony was fond of playing those."

"Ah, 'nuff said." 

Buffy bit her lip, wondering if she should tell him about the bad dream she'd had. "I had a bad dream about you," she offered quietly.

"Want to tell me about it?" Spike asked softly.

"I went to the crypt... and you were there instead of taking a walking tour of Sunnydale like you were when I really _did_ go to see you." She poked his taut stomach with her finger again. "I apologized for running away and making a fool out of myself... but you were cold and mean to me," Buffy's voice got smaller, almost childlike, as she reluctantly finished the tale. "I told you I loved you and you said you didn't care because you didn't love me anymore, that I killed your feelings for me... and then you shoved me and I fell on the floor. I was crying and begging you to stop treating me like that... but you just laughed at me..."

Spike could feel her shrink away from him, almost imperceptibly; if it had been anyone other than Spike, they probably wouldn’t have even noticed. The atmosphere in the room seemed to chill and he was sure he felt her shiver at the memory of her dream. He was glad she felt comfortable enough to share it with him, but at the same time sad that it had cut her so deeply. He never wanted her to hurt ever again... not even from a dream. 

Spike tightened the hold he had around her back and pulled her closer, his strong arm offering support and understanding and sympathy all at once. "Never happened, pet." Spike kissed her temple. "Never _gonna_ happen, either. As if I could stop lovin' you? Might as well ask the sun not to rise in the morning or the birds not to sing. Insults and venom might be all we used to toss at each other, but I'd never go back to doin' that. Never. Just good ol' fashioned nightmare fuel is all it was."

"I was afraid to see and talk to you again... I was worried the nightmare would come true. 'Cause, you know... Slayer dreams. But I had to keep trying to talk to you and looking for you... I couldn't rest until I heard how you really felt and I told you how sorry I was," Buffy continued; her voice still quiet, almost as if confessing a deep, dark secret from her past, but she didn’t pull back this time. Instead, she took the comfort he offered and snuggled her cheek against his shoulder, letting him warm her from the inside out – not physically, but emotionally.

"Well, now you know," Spike whispered softly, a little smile curling the corners of his mouth. "And you know that dream of yours was bollocks. Just your subconscious throwin' together a scenario to scare you."

Buffy smiled a little too. "Yeah, thank God. I never know if I'm having a Slayer dream or a normal dream. Ya know, you’d think the PTB could put a warning label on the Slayer dreams so I’d know which ones to pay attention to. Like a big flashing, red sign: ‘Warning: Triple S; Mature Audiences Only; View with Caution’. 

“Triple-X?” Spike questioned, cocking a brow and picking his head up to look at her face. “Wouldn’t mind hearing one of those...”

“S! S!” Buffy enunciated slowly. “As in “Silly Sucky Slayer” dreams... Ssssssss!” she repeated again, picking her head up so he could hear her clearly and hissing like a snake.

“Ah, too bad…”

Buffy rolled her eyes and dropped her head back down to his shoulder. “And I still don't know what the deal is with that Cheese Man who keeps showing up."

Spike's brow furrowed, afraid he'd heard her wrong again. "Cheese Man?" 

Buffy shook her head. "Nothing kinky, trust me."

"Is it a man who's fond of cheese or a man made outta cheese?"

"He always has slices of cheese and says weird things about cheese. Him being made out of cheese would be the only thing that would make it even more bizarre. I'll tell you about it some other time, just weird dream stuff."

"I had nightmare about you, too," Spike confessed. He figured since she was sharing, he should too; maybe it could help exorcise some of his demons... or insecurities, as it were, since he was pretty sure the demon was there to stay.

"You did? Do you... want to tell me?" Buffy asked hesitantly, hoping that he would share but not wanting to push. Dreams could be scary places... she knew.

"Well... you acted 'bout the same way I did in your dream. You were cold and unfeeling, you said I was just... convenient… like the rebound guy to use to get over White Bread."

Buffy growled lightly. "Stupid Xander... he put that idea in your head."

"Yeah, but can't say I didn't worry 'bout that myself... just a bit," Spike admitted, his own voice getting softer as he spoke. He had always worn his heart on his sleeve, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t frightening and sharing it like this with Buffy was doubly terrifying. What if she thought he was a ponce... a needy leech? She didn’t need another one of those for a boyfriend. On the other hand, wasn’t that the beauty of love? Being able to share your fears and your heart with someone and have them understand you and accept you as you were?

"Totally untrue," Buffy reassured him, then kissed his cheek. "You're not a stand-in for anyone else, Spike."

Spike vacillated about telling her the other events in his dream. But again, decided to be honest. "I remember trudging slowly up the stairs to your bedroom to talk, then seeing you packing a suitcase on your bed."

"What was I packing for?" 

He groaned, not happy about having to tell this part of it, but taking courage from the fact that she had shared her hurtful dream with him. "You were eloping to Vegas with Angel."

Buffy lifted her head and looked at him, her eyebrows raised. "What?! Wow... that would sooo never happen." She felt bad that Spike obviously had worries about her dumping him for one of her exes, but it was comforting in a way -- like Buffy, Spike had some insecurities, too, and worried about her not loving him as much as the other men that had come and gone through her life. The ghosts of their exes were hard to banish for both of them. "Not only would I not accept a proposal from Angel, I definitely would _not_ have a quickie marriage presided over by a bad Elvis impersonator in some tacky wedding chapel."

"Yeah, I didn't think you'd go for that sorta ceremony... dead kings with long sideburns presidin’ over weddings is always a bad omen,” Spike tried to tease and keep the room from chilling again. “The whole thing was hard for me to believe." Spike shook his head, remembering how upset and confused he was in the dream. "I thought it had to be a nightmare but it wouldn't bloody end.

"Peaches even made a cameo appearance, callin' you 'honey' and 'sweetie' and you calling him 'Pookie'... Was all I could do to keep from heaving. He was a smug bastard... even more so than he usually is, taunting me for loving and losing you to him.

"He left to start the car to whisk you away to Sin City, and you told me to get outta your way. I tried stopping you from leavin'... blocked the door with my body. It ended with me telling you I'd die without you... and you said 'Then die' and staked me."

Buffy’s jaw dropped open in shock and she shook her head in denial. When she looked back into his eyes she could see the hurt and pain there and her shock morphed into empathy and sadness. Buffy pouted, then kissed his face frantically like she had outside in the backyard. "Oh... Spike, I'm sorry Evil Buffy somehow jumped out of my head and into your dream... I'd never say or do anything to you like in that nasty nightmare. I’m so sorry, Spike... I’m sorry my Evil Twin hurt you like that."

Spike sighed and nodded slowly, then gave her a small, reassuring smile. It obviously wasn’t her fault he had that dream, but here she was apologizing to him for something his own sick imagination had conjured. "I was more afraid to see or talk to you after that... same way you were afraid to see me after the dream you had," he admitted as he tucked her head under his chin and hugged her against him tighter.

"But I did have a very nice dream about you the next night," Buffy offered with a sly grin, trying to cheer him up.

"Hmm, one of those Triple-X dreams?" 

"Mmhmm."

"Maybe we can... uhhh... talk about those later, pet... Wouldn’t mind a demo one day,” Spike teased back, tightening his arm around her back and giving her a couple of fast squeezes. Spike really wanted to hear about Buffy's wet dream, but thought it best for them to talk about it when they weren't in bed together just to cuddle. He’d be even happier if she demonstrated it for him... but now was definitely not the time. 

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea." Buffy felt the same way about it, they both might get a little (or a lot) worked up if they discussed the dirty dreams right now. Dirty talk would have to wait until tomorrow... along with the demo.

They settled back into comfortable silence, talked out for the night and exhausted from the almost two whole days of frustration and heartache they'd just been through.

Buffy fell asleep first, feeling more contented and restful than she had in days. Spike stayed awake awhile longer, watching Buffy as she slept in his arms. He stroked her hair, infinitely gentle, and kissed the top of her head, inhaling the fragrance of her hair. He wanted to remember everything about this night -- well, he wanted to remember the good bits of the night _after_ he and Buffy met up in her backyard and smoothed things over -- not the part when he was half-mad with self-loathing and planning on blowing up himself and Glory (and perhaps a small portion of the town). Spike thanked God he'd stopped at Willy's and had that talk with Clem. 

Spike still couldn't quite believe a woman like Buffy could love a man like him... but she'd said it... more than once. And when she'd said it, he could see the light of love in her eyes -- the light he thought he might never see in those captivating, jade-green windows to her soul. Buffy loved him, and Spike would cherish her always. 

Spike gave her forehead a light kiss before succumbing to his own fatigue.

Buffy awakened briefly not long after Spike fell asleep. At first she thought it had to be a dream -- a very nice dream. Spike was with her, sleeping in her arms. Then everything that happened earlier came back to her. This was real. 

Buffy smiled and cuddled closer to Spike, careful not to wake him. She watched him sleep in the dim light. He looked so peaceful and innocent, like a child. His long, dark lashes fanned out softly over his smooth, ivory skin in his sleep, his sharp cheekbones stood guard over the deep hollow of his cheeks, his soft lips were barely parted and, as she watched, the tip of his tongue darted out and swept across them, dampening them. For a moment Buffy thought he had awoken, but no... he slept on. The only evidence of his past was the scarred brow over his left eye, earned in battle against another Slayer so long ago; the first Slayer he’d killed. It was hard to believe this was the same 'William the Bloody' who cut a swath of death and destruction across Europe a century ago; who’d killed two Slayers in his time. But he wasn't the same man who'd done those things, not anymore. If any vamp could change their evil ways, it was Spike.

"I love you, William," Buffy whispered, then sweetly kissed his lips. She laid her head down on her own pillow to be able to look at him, she could never get tired of looking at him.

Eventually, Buffy drifted off back to sleep, much, _much_ happier than she'd been the night before and hopeful that her dreams this night would be ones that she could make come true in the very near future.


	21. Chapter 21

Buffy woke up slowly. Before she had a chance to open her eyes, happy thoughts sprang to her mind. _'Spike came back to me, we really are going to be okay. He's sleeping right beside me. He was so sweet and understanding last night... He wasn't scared off by Basketcase Buffy. I really do love that stubborn, broody vampire. We can make this relationship work.'_

Her eyes still closed, Buffy smiled as the pleasant memories of last night ran through her mind. She reached out with her arm trying to find Spike's body to cuddle against him. Instead of Spike's solid body, she found herself cuddling something much smaller, softer, and fuzzier. 

She opened her eyes and frowned when she saw it was Mr. Gordo she was holding. "What the...?" Spike said he'd stay the whole night... Buffy couldn't help being disappointed. One of her traumatic memories was waking up after her first (and only) time with Angel to find him missing. Then a funny thought went through her mind, _'Maybe Mr. Gordo *did* fly into a jealous rage and kicked Spike out of the bed.'_

Buffy noticed a note on the pillow next to her and picked it up. She rubbed her eyes with one hand to clear them of sleep, then read:

 

_Buffy,_

_I thought it best if I left before your mum and Dawn woke up. Joyce might be cross if she thought you and I were doing naughty things to each other with Dawn in the next room while you were supposed to be looking after her._

_I'm watching you sleep as I write this... and I want to crawl right back into bed with you. You're always beautiful, but you look so incredibly beautiful right now. It's hard for me to resist staying the night._

_I put Monsieur Gordo in bed with you to keep you warm 'til I see you again. We had a talk and I trust the little bugger not to get handsy (or hooves-y, in his case) with you. He assures me that he's 'just your friend' and has no designs on you._

_I haven't even left yet and I miss you already... Bloody hell, I'm turning into such a ponce. I'll see you tonight for dinner. Make my steak extra bloody, s’il vous plaît._

_I love you (even though you bring out the sensitive, thoughtful ponce in me),_

_Spike_

 

Buffy smiled as she read the note and cuddled Mr. Gordo. She could understand Spike's reasons for leaving. She wouldn't want to have to explain to her mom and sister that Spike stayed the night and why -- and then try to convince them that nothing naughty happened.

Buffy called Willow and Tara after she got dressed and told them that she'd finally talked to Spike. The witches were relieved to hear Spike was okay and that he and Buffy had patched things up again. Most of all they were happy to hear the change in Buffy's voice from the last time they'd talked to her; she sounded like herself again, happy and upbeat.

They wanted to hear more but had to attend a Wicca meeting that would be starting in a few minutes. Buffy said she'd tell them more at the Magic Box later this afternoon.

Dawn was just coming out of the bathroom as Buffy was coming out of her bedroom. "Hey, Buffy."

Buffy gave Dawn a hug. "Morning, little sis!"

"You're in a good mood today," Dawn observed as Buffy stepped back.

Buffy grinned. "Of course I am! I finally got that broody vamp to sit down and talk to me."

"You had a good talk on the back porch, huh?"

Buffy nodded emphatically. "A very good talk."

"I figured it had to be a good talk 'cause I heard you and Spike go into your bedroom a little while after I went up to bed."

Buffy's eyes widened slightly. "We didn't doing anything," she said quickly.

Dawn smiled slyly. "I didn't say you did."

"I know what you're thinking, Dawn, and that's _not_ what happened. Spike and I just talked -- we had _a lot_ to talk about."

"Yeah, I heard you talking."

"You heard what we were saying?" Buffy didn't want anyone overhearing private, heart-to-heart conversations between her and Spike. 

"No, I just heard your voices, like mumbling. Spike has that deep voice you can feel in your bones, y'know?" Dawn stifled an involuntary shiver at thinking of Spike's velvety voice.

"You believe me? You don't think Spike and I..."

"Were shagging?" Dawn finished, then shook her head. "I do believe you. Wanna know why?"

Buffy looked at her sister suspiciously -- she had a feeling the answer was going to make her want to smack Dawn again. "Why?"

"Because you passed up every other opportunity to get groiny with Spike. So I do believe you, 'cause for some weird, totally _bizarre_ reason you don't want to have sex with him." 

"How the hell would you know... That's not..." Buffy groaned and rolled her eyes. "It's _none_ of your business, Dawn. Adult relationships are... complicated. And my relationship with Spike is particularly... complicated."

"Are you 'gay now' like Willow?" Dawn asked, giving her a look of sympathy and pretending to be serious. "It's okay, you can tell me. Spike's heart would be broken -- but I'll love you just the same. You might be gay, but -- darn it! -- you're still my sister. I'll even march with you, Willow, and Tara in the parades to show my support." Dawn patted Buffy on the shoulder.

Buffy's eyes narrowed. "You're _this close_ ," she held her thumb and forefinger a few centimeters apart, "from getting dropkicked down the stairs."

"Is Spike still in there? Is he _nude_?" Dawn giggled and tried peeking through the crack in Buffy's door. 

Buffy opened the door to her room wide enough to let Dawn see Spike wasn't in there. "No, he's not in my room -- and he was never _nude_."

"You had a guy -- who's the sexiest, most gorgeous man to ever walk the earth -- and who's crazy in love with you, in your bedroom... and you didn't at least take his clothes off? Not even his shirt to gaze at his sculpted chest and six-pack abs? You _sure_ you're not 'gay now'?"

Buffy's expression became darker, she crossed her arms. "How _exactly_ would you know Spike has a sculpted chest and six-pack abs?"

Dawn bit her lip, trying not to smile. "I saw Spike without a shirt on once when I went to visit him at the crypt, he was working out when I got there. Can I say _wow_? But he put his shirt on like a second later... that part sucked."

"Aren't you going to be late for school?" Buffy asked, her eyes still narrowed. "I think you need to put your brain to work on more important things other than what I am -- or am not -- doing with _my_ boyfriend."

Dawn waved a hand at Buffy. "Yeah, yeah, you're just trying to get rid of me. I'm almost ready to go. Thank God it's Friday, I _so_ hate getting up early... it's inhuman." Dawn went into her own bedroom to finish getting ready before heading down to breakfast.

Buffy sighed, shook her head and went downstairs to the kitchen. Her mother was sitting at the island with a cup of coffee and rubbing her tired eyes.

Buffy had a smile on her face, but tried sounding stern. She put her hands on her hips. "Well, well, young lady, what time did you _finally_ get in last night?"

Joyce looked up and laughed lightly. "I know... I stayed out too late. I'm paying for it now, I'm so tired." She ducked her head, looking sheepish. "Am I grounded?"

"Hmm... maybe I'll let it go this one time." Buffy poured herself a glass of orange juice and then sat down at the island with her mother. "I'm guessing you had fun since you stayed out _so late_." She nudged Joyce with an elbow.

Joyce nodded, smiling. "I did have a wonderful time. I didn't realize how much I missed just getting together with my friends. I'm sorry if I worried you and Dawnie by not coming home before midnight."

"Nah, we weren't worried, you said you'd probably be late. I'm glad you had a good time, Mom, but I don't want you overdoing it."

Joyce put her arm around Buffy's back. "You're sweet to worry about me, honey. But I'm fine, just tired from staying up past my usual bedtime. At least I didn’t have to go into work, poor Carol must be walking around like a zombie at the gallery. I didn't want to get up so early, but I had to wake Dawn for school and make her something to eat. I think I'll go back to bed for awhile after I take her to school."

"I'll take Dawn to school, you go back to bed."

Joyce didn't want the burden for everything to be on Buffy anymore. She would've said no, but she really needed to get some more sleep. "You're sure?" 

"I don't mind at all, I have some errands to run anyway. And, more importantly, I want you to get enough rest."

"Just... drive carefully, alright?" Joyce cautioned.

Buffy huffed. "I had _one_ accident with your car years ago and I still have a rep as the worst driver in the history of the world," Buffy said with an eyeroll. "And the accident only happened because I was trying to stop some evil stuff from going down."

"I'm sorry, honey." Joyce smiled and patted Buffy on the back. "I haven't given you enough credit for driving Dawn to school safely every day when I wasn’t able to."

"That's right," Buffy said smugly, raising her chin. "I haven't had one wreck or accident -- not even any near accidents -- in all the time I've been chauffeuring Dawn to school. I don't know how I got the horrible reputation as a bad cook and a bad driver."

"I'll try harder to remember how accident-free you've been this last year. I'll also try to remember that you cooked our meals for months and didn't ruin anything... well, there was that pot roast..." Joyce added with a teasing smirk.

"I'll have you know I _meant_ to make that pot roast Cajun style." Mother and daughter shared a laugh.

A few seconds went by before Buffy asked, "Soooo... did Brian ask you out on a date?" 

"Yes, he did. But we won't be able to get together for about three weeks."

Buffy frowned. "Three weeks? He wants to wait _three weeks_ to go on a date with my beautiful, witty, wonderful mother? What's his deal?" Buffy was reconsidering what she'd said to Spike about not investigating Brian. Maybe this guy did have some skeletons in his closet... hopefully not literal skeletons.

"He's got an 11-year-old daughter, Sophia," Joyce explained. "She's living with him full-time while his ex-wife is away on business. Brian made it clear that he's _very_ interested in taking me out, but he's worried his daughter might be upset to find out he's dating someone."

"Well... I guess I can understand that," Buffy said with a small shrug. She'd been older than Brian's daughter when her parents divorced, and Buffy had hung on to the hope (for a little while) that they'd work out their problems and get back together. Seeing them with new people had bothered Buffy at first, so she did understand the need to be discreet around the little girl. "Still... that's a long time to wait. Aren't you disappointed?"

Joyce shrugged and took a sip of coffee. "A little, yes. But we found a way around the whole 'date' thing -- Carol wants to do dinner and then drinks at her place again next week. So we'll get to see each other again and have fun without it being an official date."

"Sneaky," Buffy chuckled. "But this guy _is_ going to take you on an official date when his daughter isn't around, right?"

"Mmhmm. And it gives us more time to get to know each other. I'm still kind of... skittish about officially dating... so easing into it is better for me, I think."

Buffy nodded, as long as her mom wasn't unhappy, she was okay with it.

"Dawn told me Spike came by last night," Joyce said, smiling over the rim of her coffee cup.

"Yeah, he _finally_ did. You were right -- we talked and everything's okay. Well... everything _will be_ okay, we've got to work on some things, but we got a lot of the serious stuff out of the way. Why do we have so many misunderstandings?" Buffy sighed. "First, I'm happy, then I'm sad -- happy, sad, happy again, sad again... it's like a crazy-fun rollercoaster of emotions... emphasis on the 'crazy'."

"Well, the two of you started out as enemies... I think it's natural that it's taking you longer to move into new, friendlier territory. Your relationship is completely different now; it's just taking a little more time for the both of you to adjust. You have to be more patient with each other and not jump to conclusions."

"Yeah, that's another thing Spike and I have in common -- the tendency to leapfrog to conclusions. We both do it, and of course we always assume the worst."

"You're still committed to making it work with Spike? After all the problems you've had?"

"I'm still 100% committed. I love him..." Buffy looked down and blushed pink. "We talked a lot last night, I think I can get past my insecurities now."

"I know you can, Buffy. You've faced and overcome so many terrible things in your life... I have complete confidence in you, you can get past your inner demons and find happiness. Us Summers women are tough, we don't let things keep us down."

Buffy nodded, again taking strength and comfort from her mother's words. "Is it okay if Spike comes over for dinner tonight? I kinda... already invited him... so I hope it's okay with you."

Joyce laughed. "It's customary to ask the lady of the house _first_ , but yes, Spike's welcome to come over for dinner anytime."

"Thanks, Mom. I told him we'd be having steak."

"Oh? You even planned the menu?" Joyce raised her eyebrows. "Does that mean you're cooking for all of us?"

Buffy bit her lip. "Umm... yeah, I guess I _could_. I want to point out again that I'm not a bad cook, it's just not something I particularly... _enjoy_."

Joyce nodded, knowing that her daughter didn't like cooking and would get out of it if possible. "I'll make dinner if you'd rather not. But I think Spike would appreciate it more if you made it."

"Spike wants a raw steak, there's not any cooking involved with his dinner. See? Perfect boyfriend for me."

"What else are you serving?"

"Oh, um... I hadn't thought about it." Buffy looked up in thought. "Some form of potatoes, possibly baked. Salads for me, you, and Dawn -- Spike told me before that he doesn't do rabbit food, so no salad for him."

"You should go to the Bronze and order a blooming onion for him," Dawn suggested as she entered the kitchen.

"Great idea, Dawn!" Buffy smiled at her sister. "Thanks."

"No prob. Spike's gonna be so surprised and happy, he loves those things." Dawn sat down to eat her breakfast of eggs and toast that Joyce had prepared. She'd tried making a blooming onion for Spike a few months ago... it didn't go well. After putting out the grease fire, Dawn decided to wait until she got better at cooking before trying it again.

"Why don't you buy two onions? Spike's always going on and on about those things." Joyce chuckled. "I'd like to try them myself to see if they live up to his glowing reviews."

Buffy got a memo pad and a pen, and wrote down what she wanted to have for dinner. 

"I'll make spumoni for dessert," Dawn said between bites of food.

Joyce and Buffy both looked at her with raised eyebrows, Dawn had never made that before. And, like Buffy, the youngest Summers woman wasn't known for being a wiz in the kitchen.

"What?" Dawn asked self-consciously when she noticed them staring at her. "It's something I want to try. I know it should go with an Italian dinner, but it'll still be good. I _have_ been watching cooking shows, I'm getting better."

Buffy kept her mouth shut about the alleged 'goodness' of anything Dawn cooked. 

"That sounds... great, honey," Joyce replied carefully, trying to sound encouraging and not doubtful. "Just write down what you might need from the store."

Dawn took the memo pad and pen from Buffy and quickly scribbled away (as if she'd been planning to make the dessert for a while and had it memorized), listing ingredients she'd need with one hand, as she wolfed down her breakfast with the other. Then she slid the paper across the table to Buffy, and resumed eating her breakfast normally.

Buffy took the paper and scanned it quickly. She did a double take at the list. "Blood? Since when does spumoni have blood in it?"

"That's just for Spike. I'll make it the regular way for us."

Buffy blinked. "Well... that's a relief. You sure you can make that dessert? It seems like it'd be hard to get right.”

Dawn rolled her eyes and let out a put-upon, teenage sigh. " _Yes_ , I can make it. I can follow a recipe, ya know? Geez!"

"Okay, okay, don't get all defensive. What's all this other stuff? Hot sauce, horseradish..."

"That's for the dipping sauce for the onions. Spike likes spicy food. I'll make a mild version for us."

Buffy shrugged then stood up from the kitchen island. "I'm driving you to school again today. Want to get goin'?"

Dawn made a face, obviously not looking forward to another day of school. She wiped her mouth with her napkin. "Yeah... I'm ready. Oh, you should get some extra blood for Spike to drink, too. Write that down,” she said, pointing to the memo pad.

* * *

_Later that afternoon..._

Buffy had a busy morning. She dropped Dawn off at school, then went grocery shopping for the stuff she'd need for dinner (including a stop at the butcher's for blood -- it was funny how no one blinked an eye when you asked for containers of blood in Sunnydale), and then she picked up two blooming onions at the Bronze. They weren't technically open for business yet, but a friendly, sympathetic employee (who thought Buffy was hot) let her in and made the food for her. Buffy couldn't wait to see the look on Spike's face when he discovered she'd be serving one of his favorite foods in the world. Buffy only wished she was the one who'd thought of that and not Dawn. And she wished she could've cooked the onions herself instead of buying them at the club, but she doubted she could make them as good as the ones at the Bronze -- and that grease fire Dawn started last time she tried to make one made Buffy reluctant to try it herself. After all, setting the house on fire might put a damper on the evening.

After stopping at home to drop off the groceries, Buffy went to the florist to get something she'd need for her and Spike's special night, then went on to the dorm to visit Willow and Tara. She needed Willow to put a few more romantic songs on the CD for her, and it was a good excuse to visit her friends to tell them more about what happened the previous night. Tonight was the _big_ night with Spike, she needed to get everything ready, ASAP. Buffy was still nervous, but also very excited about finally being with Spike in the biblical sense.

Buffy sat in the wicker chair, talking to Tara who was sitting on the bed and Willow who was at her computer burning the CD for the Slayer.

"You want to finish telling us what happened when Spike showed up in your backyard last night?" Tara asked.

"He wouldn't let me talk at first -- he had a speech prepared. But once we started talking, things went very well. Can you believe he didn't even check his messages? He forgot he had the phone with him and it was turned off."

Willow and Tara both groaned and shook their heads.

"And you were going crazy wondering why he wouldn't call you back," Willow said with another shake of her head.

"I was pissed that he didn't call me back after I left allll those messages, but... he was so sad; there was no way I could stay mad at him for more than a minute. He said he didn't call because he thought he'd hurt me or forced himself on me... Spike didn't want to upset me by coming to see me or calling me again. He thought I hated him and wouldn't return his message, so he never checked."

"Aww," the girls said in unison. 

"That could've been avoided if he'd just listened to his messages -- which I made him do immediately -- but he said he thought he'd be the last person I wanted to talk to. He was planning on trying to kill Glory by himself to show he really did love me and to spare me the trouble of having to do it. His friend Clem talked him out of it, thank God."

The witches made sad faces again.

“Spike has friends?” Willow asked with surprise.

Buffy nodded. “Clem’s the same guy who owns the hansom cab company, he’s really nice -- especially for a demon. Clem tried helping me find Spike before he could carry out the 'blowing up Glory' plan. Luckily, Spike came to talk to me before he did anything.”

"Sounds like Spike was going just as crazy as you were," Tara commented with a sad frown.

Buffy nodded and sighed. "We were both miserable and we didn't have to be if we'd just _talked_ to each other. We made a deal to call each other every day from now on, no matter what. Hopefully that'll put an end to the series of stupid, frustrating misunderstandings we've had."

Then Buffy smiled as she got to the good parts. "We had _the_ night."

"Oh?" Willow's red brows shot up. "You did?"

"Mmmhmm." Buffy leaned back in the chair looking pleased, which the witches interpreted as a look of sexual satisfaction.

"Well... um," Willow blushed. "Not to be nosey and rude -- you know, Anya-ish, but... how did it... um, go?"

"It was great; Spike was so sweet and understanding." Buffy sighed happily. 

Willow smiled and said, "And I bet Spike was _very_ happy and had a biiig smile on his face... afterwards. All that stuff about you being bad in bed was just a bunch of hooey."

"Oh, no, uh... we didn't have sex," Buffy explained. "We just slept together -- _actual_ sleeping."

Willow frowned in confusion. "But... you said you had 'the' night?"

"I meant that we talked and then talked some more, Spike held me when I cried, and then we laid in bed together, just holding each other and looking into each other's eyes until we fell asleep. We talked about a lot of the things that were bothering us, he was share-y about his worries too, which made me feel a lot better."

"Oh... guess my mind's in the gutter," Willow chuckled, blushing a darker pink and hiding her eyes.

Tara laughed lightly at her girlfriend's mistake, grateful that she hadn't been the one to ask Buffy any questions about the sex that didn't happen. "I have to admit I thought you meant sex, too. But you had a sweet, romantic re-bonding session instead? That's even better."

Buffy nodded, her smile still in place. "I told him about my fears and he reacted the way I hoped he would. Spike was understanding and completely open to working on the problems. He doesn't expect me to be... perfect."

"That must've been a big relief." Tara smiled. Buffy had told her how scared she was about being able to live up to Spike's fantasies.

Buffy blew out a breath and nodded. "Oh yeah, it was definitely a big relief to hear him say that! Spike said it might take some time for us to learn what makes the other happy in bed. So... if I'm not good, I can tell myself that the next time will be better."

"And I'm sure the second time _will_ be better than the first," Tara affirmed. "First times with a new partner can be all asses and elbows."

Willow and Buffy laughed.

Tara laughed too, but went on with her thought. "What? It's true! Nervousness, inexperience with what your partner likes, lots of things can contribute to the first time being more awkward than spectacular. The important thing is to learn along the way and not just sulk that it didn't go as well as you hoped it would. Second times are much better -- you've got a little more experience with your lover and have a better idea about what they like and what they don't like."

"Yeah, I told him the stuff you told me, and Spike agreed about communicating and telling each other if there's something we do or don't like." Buffy fidgeted and winced slightly. "I'll still feel funny saying anything, though..."

"I think Spike will want to do anything to give you happys, he'll probably appreciate any feedback," Willow said. She was very grateful to Tara for helping to ease her nerves and doubts when they first became intimate, and she presumed Spike would be just as eager to please as she'd been.

"That's what I'm telling myself. Tonight is _the_ night -- the night you thought I was talking about before."

"You're going to sleep with Spike -- without the sleeping this time?" Willow asked.

"I’m sure there’ll be sleeping... eventually, but hopefully there’ll be a lot of sweaty fun before that. I don't want to wait any more, I feel ready -- and I _know_ he'd rather not wait any more. I want it just as much as Spike does, my fears were just holding me back. So... yeah, I'm facing my fears and seizing the day -- carpe diem... fish of the day and all that stuff. I keep going over the list in my head of everything I want to have prepared and what I'm going to wear, trying not to get too nervous about all of it."

"It's going to be great, Buffy, you'll see," Tara said confidently. "You love each other, and you're both going to be open and honest."

Buffy felt herself blushing again as she thought about tonight. She touched her hot cheek. "With all the natural blushing I've been doing lately, I've saved a bundle on makeup. I swear, I don't think I've gone red and hot in the face this much since I was fifteen and had a crush on the star quarterback in school."

They giggled.

"Well, that's a good sign," Tara stated positively. "If someone makes you blush in their presence -- or even just thinking about them -- and gives you butterflies in your stomach like a giddy teenager..." 

"All it takes is for me to picture Spike..." Buffy automatically imagined Spike lying naked in a pool of honey (that was the _best_ cloud vision ever). "Or when he's saying risqué, or poet-y things, or just when he's saying something incredibly romantic." Buffy emitted a happy sigh.

Then she shook off her romantic musings. "I still have a bunch of stuff to get ready for tonight... so nervous," she said with an anxious giggle. "You have the incense and things I'll need for the spell, Willow?"

Willow nodded as she took the CD out of the disk drive, and then put it in a crystal case. "Yep. And your love songs CD is all done and ready to put you and Spike in a romantic mood." She grabbed the special incense too, then handed them to Buffy. "All you have to do to activate the spell is light the incense and say 'So mote it be'. It's like Easy-Bake magick!"

Buffy gratefully took the items from Willow. "Thanks. I really can't thank you guys enough for being supportive and giving me advice. I felt all alone there for a while..."

"We're sorry it took a while for us to get onboard the Love Train, Buffy," Tara apologized. "But you know you can count on us to back you up 100% from now on."

Buffy smiled, nodding. "Well," she said getting up from the chair. "I've got a ton of things to do, I'd better get going."

Willow and Tara took turns giving Buffy a hug.

"Good luck, Buffy," Tara said supportively. "Tomorrow you'll see you had nothing to worry about."

Buffy smiled and nodded again, tamping down the anxiety that tried creeping in. 

"Call us tomorrow to tell us..." Willow bit her lip. "Well, I guess it'd be too personal... never mind, you don't have to tell us anything."

Buffy smiled more broadly. "Come on, you guys are my bestest friends! It's in the 'BFF Code' to dish about romantic activities. If things go the way I hope they do, I'll definitely be sharing my joy with my friends. I'll be at the Magic Box in the afternoon."

"If you can still walk after the night you're gonna have," Tara giggled, blushing at her risqué comment.

Willow and Buffy looked at Tara, they were shocked for a moment before busting out laughing.

"Willow has obviously been a _bad_ influence on you, Tara," Buffy said with a smirk.

Willow put an arm around Tara's waist and pulled her against her to kiss her on the cheek. "Nah, she's always been like that, she's just been too shy to say stuff like that around anyone but me. My little turtle is coming out of her shell," Willow giggled, nuzzling Tara's ear.

Tara laughed and playfully ducked away from Willow. "Stop! You know I have ticklish earlobes!"

"Just be careful you don't take the bawdy talk to extremes like Anya," Buffy warned. 

Tara shook her head. "Oh, I could never talk like Anya... I never use the word 'penis' outside of an anatomy class... I used it just now, but that didn't count."

"Send good vibes and positive thoughts my way for tonight," Buffy said on her way to the door. She hesitated, turning back to the witches. "Um... are there any... spells or potions that would make someone the best lover in the world? I'm asking out of curiosity only... not because I would... use something like that."

Tara and Willow glanced at each other. 

"Well... yeah," Willow answered. "There are potions and spells that can do that. _But_ I really don't think you'll need that kind of help, Buffy."

Tara added, "And you never know what kind of side-effects something like that can have. It's better to not use magick if it's not absolutely necessary."

Willow didn't share Tara's opinion about that; Willow's view was why not use magick in any situation if it can help? But Tara was probably right in this instance, love or sex potions or spells _could_ go wrong with disastrous results. Xander's attempt to make Cordy love him again back in high school was still a prime example of those kinds of spells going awry.

Buffy sighed, frowning a bit. "Okay... just thought I'd ask. I want to leave Spike a quivering, sweaty, very _satisfied_ heap of flesh by the end of the night... but I guess I can try it without using magick." 

Her insecure inner-voice whispered, ' _You could go to that Abracadabra shop and see if they have any... *enhancement* spells or potions...'_

* * *

Since she still had some time to kill before she had to start dinner, Buffy went to the Magic Box to do a little training. It was always a good idea to hone her fighting skills, and it was a good way to get rid of some of her nervous energy about tonight. She worked out for about an hour, then cleaned up and went back out into the main room of the shop. 

Giles looked up from the counter and smiled as Buffy approached him. "Did you have a good training session?"

Buffy nodded. "Yep. And you'll be happy to hear I didn't break any of the equipment this time."

"That _does_ make me happy." 

"Well, I should head for home, I'm cooking dinner tonight."

Giles raised his eyebrows. Buffy wasn't known to be the best cook in the world. "Oh? Well, that's... good. If you were thinking of inviting me... I'm sorry to say I already have plans."

Buffy rolled her eyes upward and sighed dramatically. "You're the second person today to show extreme dubiousness about me cooking a good meal."

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I think you're... a very good cook."

"Uh-huh, say that once more with feeling, Giles. You think I'm a good cook, huh? That's why you immediately started thinking of a way to politely get out of an invite. I'm a good cook -- Dawn's the one who makes stuff like peanut butter and Skittles burritos. Did I, or did I not, make a wonderful, deeelicious Thanksgiving dinner at your place last year? And, I might add, I accomplished it with a _lot_ of distractions." 

Giles chuckled, acquiescing, "Quite right, you did. And, yes, you were able to prepare a lovely meal even while battling vengeful spirits."

"I'd like to see one of those fancy celebrity chefs cook a big-ass dinner for friends and family while fighting Indian spirits bent on revenge. I'm a damn good cook," Buffy said with a firm nod of her head. "I could have my own cooking show like that guy who says 'Bam!' all the time -- but I won't be as annoying."

Just as Buffy was about to say goodbye, Giles remembered something he wanted to give her. "Oh, I almost forgot... I wanted you to have this." He took one-hundred dollars in twenties out of the register and placed it on the counter in front of her.

"You're giving me money?" Buffy asked with bright eyes and a wide smile. She picked up the money and sniffed it, she just loved the smell of cash. "You're the bestest Watcher ever! Is this some of my back pay for slaying? That stingy jerk Quentin Travers owes me a lot more than this."

"Actually... that's Spike's money; he gave it to me."

Buffy looked up from the cash she'd been sniffing and frowned. "Huh? Spike... was here? Today? And why would he be giving you $100?"

"No, he hasn't been here today. The other night when you and Spike stopped in after your date I reminded him that he still owed me money from when we protected him and extracted that homing device the Initiative shot him with."

Buffy's frown deepened. "Giles, that was like... a year ago! God, you were trying to make Spike angry, too? Were you and Xander conspiring to break us up? And do you have to take what little money Spike gets as soon as he gets it? Is taking his money your subtle way of making sure he can't take me out on dates?"

"Calm down, Buffy. I had no idea Xander was going to do what he did that night; I told him to be quiet but he wouldn't listen. I asked Spike for the money before Xander goaded him into violence. I wanted to see if Spike was serious about trying to be more... agreeable. He groused about it, but he did give me the money. I only wanted to see if Spike would _willingly_ give me the money without causing a scene and upsetting you; I didn't really want it."

Buffy sighed and shook her head. "Oh goody, so I can look forward to you regularly giving Spike little tests to see if reacts the way you think he should? He's my boyfriend, not a lab rat."

"I promise I won't make a habit of testing him. I was curious to see if he's really trying to be a better, more even-tempered man. He did pass the test... but then he attacked Xander."

"You're holding that against Spike? That was bullsh--" Buffy started going into 'defend Spike' mode again, which Giles knew would result in another rant.

Giles held up a hand to stop her tirade before she could really get rolling. "I know that was essentially Xander's fault. He set out to intentionally provoke Spike; I _don't_ fault Spike for losing his temper that time."

Buffy relaxed a bit, standing down but still feeling testy. She crossed her arms. "Okay, good... Because it _wasn't_ Spike's fault. Spike shouldn't have let Xander get to him and try to hit him, but any guy -- vampire _or_ human -- would've taken a swing at Xander after what he said."

"I know," Giles said simply. The Watcher could see how touchy and defensive Buffy was about Spike, he thought it best not to say anything more that she might take as insulting her new beau.

"You're okay with me dating Spike?" Buffy asked, raising an eyebrow and giving Giles an 'I dare you to bitch at me about him' look.

"I... My feelings on the matter are..." He stopped and sighed. "Honestly, I'm not _thrilled_ about it... no. But, as you said, it's your life and you get to decide who you want to be with. I just... worry it won't work out the way you hope it will. I don't want you getting hurt, Buffy... none of the people who love you want that."

She smiled softly and put her hand over his on the counter. "I know it must be tough for you to accept, but I really appreciate that you're trying to respect my decision. I _know_ Spike and I can be happy together. He won't hurt me like the others."

Giles nodded, managing a small smile for her. He only hoped she was right... he was far from being convinced that Spike could be one of the 'good guys'.

"One thing I don't understand... if you were just testing Spike to see if he'd give you the money and you didn't really want it, why didn't you just give it back to him?" Buffy wondered.

"I doubted he'd take the money back from me, that's why I'm giving it to you." While Spike was never one to turn down money, Giles was certain Spike wouldn't take the money back under the circumstances -- male pride could occasionally get in the way of being reasonable. "You can either give it to Spike or keep it."

"I don't think Spike will take it from me either," Buffy said with a sigh. "He's a proud and very stubborn vampire. He's got some old-timey ideas about what a boyfriend should and shouldn't do -- his girlfriend giving him money is probably on that list. I should tell him you gave it to me though, give him a chance to take it back if he wants it." 

Giles shrugged slightly. "Whatever you think is best."

Buffy tucked the money into her purse. "Well, I've got things to do, I'd really better get going now. See ya, Giles." Buffy hurried to the front door of the shop, but she stopped and turned back toward Giles to say, "Um... unless something terrible happens tonight that _urgently_ needs my attention, don't call, okay? I'd like to just hang out with my family and Spike and relax."

Giles nodded. "You deserve a night off."

"Thanks, Giles." As she exited the shop, Buffy said a little prayer to the PTB asking that nothing apocalypse-y happens tonight. She'd be majorly pissed if something came up and ruined her plans.

* * *

Buffy saw a large bouquet of red roses on the small table in the foyer as soon as she came in the front door. She walked to the table and sniffed the sweet fragrance of the roses. "Ooh, nice... Hmm, could these be from the mysterious Brian?" She looked over the bouquet, searching for a card. 

"That's what I thought at first," Joyce said as she walked down the stairs. "But the deliveryman said they were for 'Miss Buffy Summers'. I'm trying not to be _too_ green with envy," she joked.

"Oh, they're for me?" Buffy located the card attached to the roses, it said 'Buffy' in fancy, calligraphy letters. She grinned and picked it up and removed the card from the tiny envelope. Her grin expanded as she read it:

**There’s this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.**

**Love you always**

**Spike**

Buffy sighed languidly and tilted her head, feeling all warm and melty inside. The card was definitely going in her growing 'tokens of Spike's love' collection. She thought to herself, _'Oh yes, tonight is *definitely* the night.'_ If she hadn't already been planning to make love to him tonight, the card and flowers would've sealed the deal. 

"What's it say? Or is it too _personal_ for a mother's ears?" Joyce asked with a slanted smile.

Buffy showed her the card, Joyce sighed as she read it. It'd been a long time since a man sent her something like this, she missed this part of dating, when a lady would get a new romantic surprise almost every day from her boyfriend. Maybe she was more ready to start dating again than she thought. "Now why can't I get bouquets of roses with romantic cards like that? It was very sweet of Spike to send these."

"I'm sure you'll be getting things like this from Brian, too, when you start officially dating," Buffy said encouragingly, not wanting her mom to feel bad the flowers weren't for her this time.

"We'll see. Spike's setting the bar pretty high for romantic gestures, though." Joyce laughed. 

"How long ago were the flowers delivered?"

Joyce looked at the clock in the living room. "Only about a half hour ago. Why don't you go call Spike to let him know you got them?"

"I should probably wait until I see him tonight... He sleeps during the day, I wouldn't want to wake him up." Buffy bit her lip, wanting to call Spike right away, needing to hear his voice right now. But she still wondered if being too clingy was one of the reasons she couldn't keep a man.

"I bet he's waiting by the phone."

Buffy pictured Spike staring at his phone and tapping his fingers on a tabletop impatiently or staring at the phone and pacing back and forth, also impatiently. "You're right, he might be waiting for me to call. I'll just call to tell him I got the flowers -- that can't be considered clingy." Buffy took one of the roses from the vase and raced up the stairs to her room to call Spike.

* * *

Buffy called Spike's number and waited to see if it would be picked up or if she'd have to leave another message. 

After a few rings, Spike answered. "Hello, luv," he said, sounding sleepy.

Buffy wanted to rib him a little bit after the ton of messages she'd had to leave the past few days. "Wow, I-I am shocked... I didn't have to leave a message this time! You actually _answered_ your phone!"

Spike snorted and smirked as he sat up in bed. "Yeah... alright, I deserved that."

"You were sleeping... Sorry I woke you up."

"I was dozin', yeah. But I don't mind bein' roused by you, pet. I was expecting you to call sometime this afternoon. Were there any deliveries to your house... by any chance?"

Buffy smiled, touching the soft petals of the rose to her cheek. "Yes, as a matter of fact, there _was_ a delivery. You romantic l'il devil, you. Thank you for the flowers, Spike."

"Welcome. I woulda got you orchids again but didn't want to repeat myself so soon. I just wanted to do something to make you smile... since you'd been so miserable 'cos of me the last few days."

"It was very sweet and unexpected -- and I did get a big smile on my face when I saw they were for me. I haven't been able to _stop_ smiling since I saw them. My mom's kinda bummed that they weren't for her, though -- Brian better step-up his game. You can be so damn sweet... You're just a big teddy bear with fangs, ain't ya?"

Spike laughed. "Only when it comes to you, luv. I'm glad you fancy the flowers."

" _And_ the card," Buffy added, holding the card and reading it silently again. "You know how much I love it when you get all romantic and poet-y."

"You liked what I wrote, then?"

"Mmhmm, I _love_ what you wrote. I actually emitted a dreamy sigh, put my hand over my heart and tilted my head."

Spike laughed again, pleased that she'd had the reaction he'd hoped for. He'd decided the wise thing to do was write something not overtly sexual, but more romantic this time. "I'll have to send you little love notes on a regular basis."

"You don't _have to_... but I'd like it if you did," Buffy replied, still grinning. Most women her age had a collection of love letters from boyfriends, but Buffy didn't. The closest things she'd gotten to love letters were the creepy, crazy messages from soulless Angelus.

"You can count on getting more of the same in the future, luv."

"Goody," Buffy giggled. She couldn't believe how giddy and lighthearted she felt right now; she felt like she could walk on air. It was such a switch from the dread and misery she'd felt until she talked to Spike last night. "You're still coming to dinner, right?"

"'I'll be there with bells on right after sundown. I'm lookin' forward to my raw steak -- and seein' you, 'course."

"You'll be wearing _just_ the bells?" Buffy said coyly, teasing him the way he'd teased her once before.

Spike chuckled. "Well... since I'll be dining with your mum and sis too, I think I should wear a bit more than _just_ the bells."

"Hmm, true. Your bells shouldn't be on display around anyone other than me. Okay, I'll let you get back to sleep. I just wanted to thank you for the flowers and that insanely romantic card." Now that Buffy could say it (and mean it), she wanted to say it again and often. "I love you, Spike."

Spike closed his eyes and smiled, his mind and body warmed and tingled every time he heard her say those three little words with his name tagged onto the end. He wanted to record her saying it, and be able to play it over and over again. "I love you too, Buffy."

* * *

Buffy didn't have much time to beautify herself. She didn't want to get all dressed up just to make dinner, anyway; she was kind of a messy cook, her clothes were bound to get stains on them. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she had the lightest of makeup on. She chose a practical outfit to wear while cooking: a pair of jeans, black boots, and a red, button-up blouse. She intended on glamming herself up later, hoping to look alluring and sexy for Spike.

Buffy put the vase of roses in her bedroom, but put one in a bud vase and set it on the kitchen counter while she prepared dinner to remind her why she was cooking and to keep herself in a good mood. Joyce was happy to help Buffy with dinner, for which the Slayer was grateful. She was having a hard time keeping her mind on cooking and _off_ of what she planned on doing with Spike later; there was a squadron of nervous butterflies in her stomach.

When Dawn got home from school, she helped Buffy in the kitchen too. She worked on the dessert, the spumoni -- regular for them, and with blood for Spike. Buffy was glad she didn't have to prepare that dish -- she would've liked to have made Spike something special, but cooking with blood? Kinda squicky. Dawn didn't seem to have a problem with it, though.

Dawn also insisted on making the homemade dipping sauce for the blooming onions. Buffy had to wonder again just how determined Dawn actually was to get over her crush on Spike. It seemed like Dawn was making dinner for _her own_ boyfriend, not Buffy's boyfriend.

Spike rushed through the front door covered with his smoking gray blanket. He tossed it on the floor and stomped on it to make sure it didn't catch fire.

Buffy came out of the kitchen to see what the commotion was. She stopped and smiled when she saw Spike in the foyer. "Hey you, you're early. I thought you were going to wait until sundown?"

Spike looked up and smiled at her once the blanket stopped smoldering. "You know I'm keen on being unfashionably early for everything, luv." His smile became more flirtatious as he walked toward her. "I couldn't wait to see you again."

Buffy took a few moments to admire his ensemble as he walked slowly toward her. He was wearing a sweater with striations of grey and rich, ripe plum that seemed to be airbrushed across his body, his trusty black leather duster, black slacks, and what looked like a shiny new pair of Doc Martin boots. He also had on some bling like he did on their second date -- a simple silver chain necklace, a clunky silver chain bracelet, and a few silver rings (including the mashed up one Buffy had given him, Spike couldn't bring himself to take it off, even dented and mangled, the ring held great sentimental value for him).

His hair was gelled back but not severely, it had that wavy look which Buffy found especially sexy. Buffy didn't know how she could _not_ have seen and acknowledged how absolutely gorgeous and sexy Spike was even back when they were enemies. 

Buffy put her arms around his neck and gave him a little kiss. "You look _very_ yummy tonight. I love the shirt, it looks great on you." Her hormones were going off the scale now that she'd made up her mind to be with Spike tonight. She couldn't wait to peel the clothes off his sculpted body and ravish him.

Spike's arms wound around her waist. "You look amazing." He breathed in her scent, detecting mango and steak combined with that unique, mouthwatering smell that was pure 'Buffy'. "Mmmm... and you smell amazing, too." He dipped his head down to sniff her neck, nuzzling her for a few moments.

Buffy giggled as his nose and lips brushed against her throat. "Yeah, right -- I look like a mess from laboring over a hot stove. And I doubt I smell that great."

Spike pulled back, then kissed her lips softly. "You're the most beautiful creature I've ever seen. And I _love_ the way you smell... intoxicating."

Buffy stared into his azure blue eyes. Spike's eyes said so much, she could tell he really did think those things about her... it wasn't just a line to make her feel good. She checked around them to make sure her mom and sister weren't peeking, then went in for a longer, deeper kiss. She held the sides of his face in her hands, loving how his high cheekbones felt under her fingertips while their lips were locked.

Dawn called from the kitchen, "Is that Spike? Is he here?"

Buffy broke the kiss and stepped away from Spike, clearing her throat. "Yep, um, Smokey the Vampire just came in the front door with his blanket."

Spike raised an eyebrow at how quickly Buffy stopped when she heard Dawn's voice, but he didn't ask why. He had a feeling he knew the reason. 

Dawn peeked around the corner, smiling at Spike. "Dinner's almost ready. You're gonna love it!" Then she quickly disappeared back behind the wall.

Spike sniffed the air, smelling the food in the kitchen as he took off his duster and hung it up by the door. "Smells delicious. I thought you were makin' dinner, luv? The Bit's helping you out?"

"I am cooking it... but Mom and Dawn helped... a lot." Buffy didn't want to lie and make him think she did it all. "Well... I did a lot of supervising. Coordinating the meal is just as hard as cooking everything."

"Can't wait to sink my teeth into that steak, been thinkin' about it all day." 

"I made sure that'll be nice 'n bloody for you. We've got lots of good stuff to eat, I hope you brought your appetite."

"I brought everything," Spike said with a sexy smirk and suggestive raising and lowering of his eyebrows.

"Can we go out on the front porch for a minute? I want to talk to you about something. The porch is shady enough that you won't sizzle?"

"Yeah... should provide me with cover from direct sunlight." Spike wondered if what she wanted to talk about was good or bad.

"We'll be right back," Buffy called to the kitchen. She took Spike's hand and went out onto the porch with him. 

They sat on the porch swing like they had after their first date.

"You know, it's a good thing you left the note on the pillow this morning, I might've thought you were magically transformed into a stuffed pig sometime during the night," Buffy joked.

"Well, I didn't want to leave you all alone... and the little bugger wanted to cuddle with you -- in a purely platonic way."

"It wasn't as satisfying as waking up with _you_ in my arms, but I do like cuddling Mr. Gordo."

Even though she'd said it jokingly, Spike sensed her disappointment that he was gone when she woke up. "You were upset, weren't you? I shoulda stayed..." he said in a sigh, looking down at his hands. 

Buffy linked her arm through his. "Well... I've woken up too many times to find the guy gone the next morning."

Spike winced. Once again, his instincts were bloody awful.

"But it's okay," Buffy assured him. "Once I read the note, I understood why you left. And you said you were still coming to dinner, so I wasn't upset. You didn't just... disappear without a trace, you were trying to be considerate and didn't want me to get questioned if my family saw you leaving my bedroom in the morning."

"You're really not upset, then? If you are, don't try an' hide it. I want you to be honest with me, luv."

She shook her head. "I'm not upset, promise. The note made it alright."

Spike smiled. "And I promise you that if I should be so lucky to share a bed with you again, I'll stay as long as you want me to."

"I _guarantee_ that you will be that lucky again," Buffy purred, then gave him a soft kiss.

Spike steadied himself before his desire for Buffy got out of hand. "You want to go back in the house?"

"There is something else I want to talk to you about."

"Yeah?"

"Actually," she said as she reached into her pocket, "it's something I want to give you." Buffy took the $100 Giles had given her out of her pocket and held it out to Spike. 

His brows knit, he didn't make a move to take it from her. He looked from the money in her hand up to her eyes. "Why are you giving me money?"

"It's what you gave Giles at the shop the other night. He wanted you to have it back."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Had a change of heart, did he? He whinges about me owin' him money from a bloody year ago... and then, what? He suddenly changes his mind about it?"

"Giles said he..." Buffy wasn't sure how well Spike would take finding out Giles was 'testing' him. "He just thought it wasn't fair to take what little money you get as soon as you get it," she fibbed. Little white lies to keep the peace were okay... right?

"You had a talk with him, eh?" Spike asked, smirking slightly.

"Yeah... we talked about the money. I bitched at him about making you give it to him."

Spike nodded once. "I hope you gave him a good bollocking. How much is there?" He looked back down at the money in her hand.

"Uh, give him a... bollocking?" Buffy had no idea what a 'bollocking' meant -- she didn't even want to think of doing _anything_ with or to Giles'.... bollocks. 

"Tellin' him off."

"Ah, okay. Yeah, I did do that. There's, um, a hundred bucks here." Buffy held it out to him again.

Spike frowned. "I only gave him $80... Oh, that's right." He smirked as he remembered. "I gave him an extra $20 to go an' buy himself somethin' pretty."

"Why didn't you tell me Giles made you give him money?" Buffy asked. That's something she would've liked to have known. She didn't enjoy bitching at her friends, but Giles deserved a good bitching (or bollocking) that night, right along with Xander.

Spike shrugged. "Figured we had enough problems with Xander. Rupert askin' for cash he thought I owed him paled in comparison to what Harris did that night. You were already so stressed about what happened with the Whelp... I didn't think you needed to know another one of your mates wasn't playin' nice with me."

Buffy frowned for a moment and nodded. "You're probably right... I might've gone ballistic and made Anya's nightmare come true by trashing the shop. But I want to know if my friends treat you like crap, no matter how upset I am -- I'm not going to let them insult or be unfair to you. You'll tell me if one of them pisses you off in the future?"

Spike nodded, smiling slightly. Another thing that made him feel like he was dreaming, Buffy sticking up for him with her friends. "I don't want to keep things from you, but I'm not gonna go running to you every time one of them pisses me off. It'd be like a little boy running to his mummy when he's gettin' picked on. I'm a big boy, pet, I can take it."

Buffy sighed. "Just tell me if it's serious then, okay? If one or more of them gang up on you about anything, you'll tell me so I can set them straight. I don't want you to start avoiding being with me when they're around. They have to accept that you're a part of my life _and_ a member of the Scooby Gang."

"Yeah, I'll tell you if it gets that bad. Not much they could do to make me avoid wanting to be with you, though."

"Are you going to take this money from me or what?" Buffy asked, nudging him with her hand. "My hand's starting to get sweaty."

"Nah, you keep it, pet."

"But it's yours, you should have it back."

"Alright, you've given it back to me." Spike touched the money in her hand. "And now I'm choosing to give it to you," Spike said, gently folding her fingers around the money in her palm, and then holding her hand closed with both of his. "You never get to save any mad money to buy yourself anything."

"Spike..." she groaned.

"Just take the bloody cash, Slayer. You call _me_ stubborn? I don't need the money, I'm gonna be makin' more soon thanks to Clem. And Rupert doesn't want it, so it's yours. Do with it as you like, you could even flush it down the toilet -- or give it to Dawn."

"Same difference," Buffy joked. She took a breath and looked him in the eyes. "Okay... I'll keep it. But I don't want you just giving me money all the time... it'd make me feel weird."

"Well..." Spike smiled saucily, "I'm sure we could think of a way for you to earn..." His smile disappeared when he realized Buffy might take offense to what he was saying, whether he was joking or not. Buffy's eyebrows were raised as she waited for him to finish his sentence. "I was... just joking, pet... I didn't..." Spike hung his head, rubbed at the back of his neck and sighed. "God, I'm such a git..."

Buffy snorted a soft laugh. “It's okay, Spike. I'm not mad.”

“You... aren't?” Spike asked, keeping his head lowered and looking at her out of the corner of his eye.

She shook her head and rubbed his arm. “I knew you were joking. Just don't make risqué jokes like that in front of other people. If you said something like that in front of -- oh, let's say Giles -- I'd have to kick your ass. But when it's just you and me, it's okay. You've got a naughty sense of humor, I don't want you to change that about yourself.”

Spike raised his head to look her in the eyes and took her hands in his. "I'd never want to make you feel... like I'm paying you for services rendered or tryin' to _keep_ you by throwing money and gifts at you. I want to give you money, but just 'cos it's not bloody fair that you don't have any of your own. And I want to give you pretty things 'cos you deserve 'em... and I just love to see you smile."

"I know. You're my sweet little teddy bear with fangs." Buffy leaned in to kiss him.

"Dinner's ready!" Dawn shouted from inside the house, startling them.

Buffy and Spike jumped in their seats. 

"Bloody hell... that girl's got a healthy pair of lungs. Coulda used her as an air raid siren during WWII."

"Well, let's go eat the wonderful meal I," she said the next part lower, "but mostly my mom and Dawn," her voice went back to normal volume, "prepared."

They joined hands as got up and went back into the house.

* * *

The super-happy smile Spike got on his face when he saw the blooming onions was what Buffy had been hoping for; he was practically giddy, like a kid on Christmas.

They sat down to dinner, making light conversation as they ate.

"I can't believe you all went to so much trouble," Spike marveled. 

Buffy opened her mouth to reply, but Dawn beat her to it. "Oh, it was no trouble, Spike! It's fun having you over for dinner. Getting the onions was my idea, I know how much you like them." 

Buffy frowned at Dawn for a moment, then smiled at Spike. "Like she said, it's no trouble. I like having a meal with my boyfriend, especially when his food doesn't require any cooking."

"I'm all about makin' your life easier, luv." Spike looked to Joyce. "I appreciate you havin' me over again. It's nice to know I'm welcome... _somewhere_." He sniffed and smiled. "And I'm not used to being invited into such posh places like your home -- not a cobweb, speck of dust, or sarcophagus in sight."

Buffy touched and then held his hand under the table and gave him a little smile, letting him know he was always welcome in her house. She thought it was sad that Spike wasn't used to people doing something nice for him without a motive other than they just liked him (well... he wasn't what you'd call a 'nice guy' until recently). Now he did have people who wanted him around and enjoyed his company, and Buffy thought that could only help motivate Spike to stay on the right path. She could see that it really did touch his heart -- she could tell he was trying not to get emotional.

"You are welcome here, Spike, anytime. You're a good friend of the family," Joyce said warmly, echoing Buffy's thoughts. "Would you like to go to the museum with us tomorrow to see that exhibit we talked about?”

"Yeah, I'd like that, Joyce." He took a bite of his raw steak, then smiled and winked at Buffy. "Love the steak, pet. It's perfect."

Buffy grinned proudly. Yes, all she'd done was cut off the fat and sprinkle both sides of the steak with salt and pepper, but she was still proud that she'd prepared it and Spike liked it.

Joyce went on, "I'd like to get to the museum by about three... Oh, but that'd be too early for you, wouldn't it, Spike?"

"Nah, I'll be fine." He waved it off. "I tend to wake up earlier than I need to, anyway. Why don't I meet you ladies in the lobby of the museum at 3?"

"I don't know..." Buffy fretted. "I don't want you running around covered with just a blanket unless it's absolutely necessary. And I don't think they'll even let you in with your smoking blanket draped over you. Some people might find it _strange_."

"No worries. I know a way into the museum through the sewers, I can come up through the basement. All I'll have to worry about are rooms we pass through that have windows." 

Buffy took a piece of onion and dunked it in the bowl of sauce closest to her on the table, and then took a bite. Her eyes instantly rounded and she started coughing, spitting the onion out into her napkin. "Damn, Dawn! What's in this stuff?!" Buffy wheezed. 

Spike looked at Buffy with concern, patting her on the back. "Easy, luv. Have some water." He pushed her water glass closer to her hand.

Dawn made an 'oops' face. "Sorry! I made that sauce extra-spicy just for Spike. I guess I should've told you which one was his or labeled it or something... You guys should use this one." Dawn slid a bowl of milder sauce toward Buffy. "I didn't put a lot of the really hot stuff in this one -- not nearly as much cayenne pepper, red pepper flakes, or horseradish."

"Thanks for the _advanced_ warning," Buffy said in between coughs, then took several sips of water. 

Dawn defended, "Hey, it's not my fault -- you should've asked which sauce was the spicy one. You saw what I put on the shopping list -- you knew the stuff I was going to use for Spike's was super-hot."

"I didn't think you'd make it _that_ hot." After a few more coughs and swallows of water, Buffy was able to talk normally again. "I'll be able to breathe fire if I eat any more of that."

"Sorry," Dawn said again, smirking a little. "That'd be pretty cool, though. You could fry demons just by breathing at them like Godzilla."

Spike smiled as he ate another piece of onion covered with the hot dipping sauce. "The Slayer can't handle a bit of spiciness, eh?"

Buffy made a face at him. "Spiciness, I like. But I don't enjoy feeling like my mouth is on fire. Is my tongue blackened? Any third-degree burns on it?" She stuck her tongue out and wriggled it at Spike for him to examine it.

Spike laughed. "No, still nice an' pink." He silently added, _'And wet... and warm... and flexible... and, God, I'd love to feel it on my...'_ Spike took a breath and tried like hell to shutout any improper thoughts at the sight of Buffy's tongue. He ate another piece of onion to get his mind on something else.

The meal went on without further incident; they talked about Joyce's new potential boyfriend Brian, and what they wanted to see at the museum tomorrow.

After eating the last of his onion, Spike wiped his mouth with his napkin (practicing how to act in polite company again). "The sauce was bloody brilliant, Dawn. It's better than any you can get at a restaurant. I might have to pay you to make me a vat of the stuff once a week."

Dawn's smile stretched across her face. "I'm so glad you liked it! Ooh I'd better go get dessert!" She got up and raced into the kitchen. 

Spike smiled at Dawn's enthusiasm. She really was a sweet kid -- the kind he would've eaten in a second back in the old days. But these days, all he wanted to do was be her friend and keep her safe.

"You want to play a game after dinner?" Buffy suggested. "Like Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly?"

"I'm kinda gamed-out after playing Pictionary at Carol's last night," Joyce said. "How about we watch a couple movies? I've been wanting to watch two of my favorites for a few days now."

Buffy shrugged. "Sure, Mom. What movies do you want to watch?" 

"'Sleepless in Seattle' and 'You've Got Mail'," Joyce replied with a big smile. "I just _love_ those movies, they always put me in a good mood. I guess I've been in getting into a romantic state of mind lately."

Buffy smiled at first, but then looked over at Spike -- his eyes were a little glassy and the smile he'd had before Joyce said the titles of the movies seemed frozen on his face.

Spike thought, _'Bloody hell... why not just throw 'Fried Green Tomatoes' and 'Steel Magnolias' in there too? I can already feel the testosterone being leeched from my body...'_

"Um... maybe we could include a more 'guy friendly' movie?" Buffy hinted, indicating Spike with a tilting movement of her head, knowing he must be ready to bolt out the door. "I don't think Spike will enjoy those movies as much as we will."

Spike finally unfroze, thinking of a diplomatic way to get out of watching the dreck Joyce was keen on, yet still making sure the Summers clan matriarch got to do what she wanted without him spoiling her plans. "Don't worry 'bout me, I want you ladies to have a Summers women, estrogen-laden bonding session. Since Buffy will be enjoying the flicks with you, I can do a sweep of the cemeteries for her."

"You don't have to do that, Spike," Buffy said. "Tonight was about relaxing and having fun."

"Would be my pleasure to play Slayer for one night, luv. And I happen to find fighting very relaxing as well as fun." He'd fight a hundred demons to get out of watching those movies while pretending he didn't want to stake himself. "I want the three of you to have many more Summers Family Fun Nights, and I can do my part by takin' on the patrolling when you do."

"Thanks." Buffy leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "I wouldn't mind just chillin' instead of patrolling for once." Although she'd like to spend quality time with her family and Spike together, this actually worked out better. She'd have time to make herself look irresistible while Spike patrolled. Now, all she had to do was figure out a way to get him back to the house... 

Dawn emerged from the kitchen carrying a silver tray. "Who wants some spumoni? I made it myself." She set the tray down on the table.

Spike pursed his lips and raised his eyebrows, suitably impressed. "Very ambitious of you, Bit. You're becomin' quite the chef."

Dawn grinned. "I made this one especially for you," she said, placing one of the bowls in front of Spike. "I put in a layer of blood instead of cherries."

Spike smiled with delight. "You don't say? Well, that was very thoughtful _and_ impressive, thanks. Can't wait to try it, looks delicious."

"Make sure you don't get Spike's and ours mixed up..." Buffy grimaced. The blood looked almost indistinguishable from the regular spumonis with the layer of cherries. She didn't mind watching him eat it, but didn't want a mouth full of cold blood. It was bad enough she burned her mouth with that hot sauce.

They started on their desserts and Buffy was surprised that Dawn did a good job, it tasted great. "Where'd you get the recipe for Spike's blood spumoni? Did you buy a 'Cooking for Vampires' cookbook?"

"It's my own creation," Dawn said, pleased with herself. "I'm all inspired now. I'm gonna make another cool dish with blood next time Spike comes over."

Spike smiled affectionately at Dawn. "That's sweet of you, Bit. But I don't want you goin' to more trouble just for me."

"It's no trouble, I like cooking for you," Dawn replied, smiling back at him. 

Buffy didn't like the way Dawn got all bubbly and bouncy when Spike smiled at her. Was Dawn still stuck on Spike despite everything she'd said about 'moving on'? That'd be all Buffy needed -- her little sister trying to compete with her for Spike's affections. 

Buffy dismissed those thoughts from her mind; she was assuming the worst again, she told herself. Dawn was just being... a friend to Spike, she liked him in a friend-type way, that's all. And people liked doing nice things for their friends.

And then dinner was over, leaving the four of them full and in good spirits.

Spike cleaned his plate, not leaving a speck on it. He sat back and patted his stomach. "Thank you, ladies. That was the best fu--" Spike stopped in mid-word and glanced at Joyce, who had her eyebrows raised while she waited for him to finish the word. "That was the best _food_ I've had in ages."

"It was good, but it can't top the meal we had at the restaurant," Buffy said, remembering how divine the food was. "God, that was so good."

"You really liked the spumoni with blood?" Dawn eagerly asked Spike, even though he'd already told her he loved it a few times. She just wanted to hear Spike confirm it again.

"Loved it, Platelet."

"Cool." Dawn grinned, bouncing a little in her chair. "I have a whole bunch of other ideas for vampire-friendly foods and desserts I want to try making. I might even take Buffy's advice and write my own cookbook for vampires! There's no end to the possibilities of what you can make with blood. Hey, maybe I can even open up my own restaurant in town that serves food vampires would like -- I'd make a million dollars with all the undead and demons in Sunnydale!"

"Slow down there, Betty Crocker," Buffy admonished her. "First of all, I did not suggest you write a cookbook for vampires -- I only made a joke asking if you got the recipe from one. And second, we're not supposed to give vampires _more places_ in town to hang out -- we're supposed to get rid of them." Buffy put her hand on top of Spike's and smiled. "Present company excluded, of course."

"Of course." Spike smirked. "I think the girl could be onto somethin', though; vamps would line up 'round the block for blood-based foods."

"Exactly, and we don't want vamps and demons from all over the world to come to town to sample Dawn's famous blood cuisine. There are enough damn vampires in this town already.... present company excluded," Buffy added, glancing at Spike again.

"I still think it's an interesting idea, luv. I could be the bouncer at your restaurant, Nibblet. I'd make sure none of the vamps or demons got outta line."

Dawn's eyes were alight, she was loving this idea. "Yeah! Maybe we can ask Willow to cast a spell on the restaurant that made it a 'no violence zone'. So only vampires and demons who want to enjoy a meal in peace would want to come."

Buffy shook her head, wondering why they were still talking about this stupid idea. "Getting a little ahead of yourself, aren't you, little sis? It's a _bad_ idea, even if you could buy your own restaurant. Have you got several thousand dollars in your piggy bank?"

Dawn pouted. "You always shoot down my ideas! You just don't think I'm good or smart enough to pull it off." Dawn jumped up from the table and then ran upstairs, slamming her bedroom door for good measure.

Joyce and Buffy sighed.

Buffy put her hand on Spike's back. "Around here, dinner is officially over when Dawn says something in a shrill voice and runs from the table -- it's tradition."

"I think she had an interesting idea, pet. You should've encouraged her."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "It was a _terrible_ idea. Even if she could open a restaurant for vampires and demons, they'd go and enjoy a good meal, and then I'd have to slay them when they started hankering for human blood right from the source again and attacking every person in sight. It'd just be more work for me and I've got enough to deal with as it is."

"Well... you coulda at least humored the girl. She was excited about it," Spike said, plainly disagreeing with how Buffy handled it.

Buffy hung her head back and let out a sigh. "Fine... I'm an awful person who doesn't support a young girl's dreams of starting a catering business for demons."

Spike groaned. "That wasn't what I was sayin', Buffy. And it wasn't a catering business, it was a restaurant that caters to vampires. I think Dawn just needed --"

"Oh, don't worry about Dawn," Joyce said as she stood up and started gathering the empty dishes. "She'll sulk in her room for a while but she'll be alright. The mood swings of a teenager are scarier than any demon I've ever seen."

"Let us do that, Mom," Buffy offered, taking a plate and standing up. "Spike and I can clear the table."

"You don't mind?"

Buffy shook her head as she began gathering up the dishes. "You go ahead and watch TV and relax."

"Yeah, go on, Joyce. We'll take care of it," Spike added.

"Thanks, kids." Joyce hesitated a moment before going out into the living room to unwind. She called Spike a 'kid' -- it was sometimes hard to keep in mind that he was older than her by several decades.

Buffy and Spike took the dishes into the kitchen, and then began washing them in the sink.

Buffy handed him a plate to dry. "Does this kind of thing -- having dinner with me and my family -- really appeal to you? Or are you just pretending to enjoy it to make me happy... _humoring_ me?"

"I do enjoy bein' invited over for any reason, I'm not just pretending I'm having a good time," Spike reassured her. "You said before that you know how... not being accepted can hurt. I'm used to not being included in any reindeer games, so it doesn't have the sting it once had.

"'Sides my mum, Dru was the only person who ever accepted me, who saw greatness in me... who thought I was someone special." Spike felt like he was about to get choked up from the memories of his mother and how Dru had saved him from the dreary, mundane life he would've had if she hadn't turned him. He sniffed and looked down at the plate he was drying to keep Buffy from seeing he was getting a bit misty-eyed. "I was treated like an annoyance who didn't belong in the clan by Darla -- and that was after twenty bloody years of living and traveling together. She always was a coldhearted bitch...

"But your family... they accept me. They treat me with respect, they treat me like a _person_. Being invited to dinner or to join you at an art exhibit... it means a lot to me. I finally feel like I _belong_ somewhere."

Buffy put a hand on his back, rubbing in small circles, and leaned over to kiss the side of his face. "You do belong here, with us... with me."

Spike smiled and turned his head to give her a tender kiss. 

As they continued washing and drying, Buffy asked, "You really think I was unfair to Dawn about the vampire restaurant thing?"

Spike wasn't sure how to respond, but thought Buffy would appreciate honesty, even if she didn't agree with his opinion. "I think it wouldn't hurt to encourage her, no matter how outrageous or impossible her ideas might sound."

"But... wouldn't that just lead to big disappointment when she can't do it?"

"Kids need to dream big, luv. The world has a way of crushing dreams... so I think kids should dream the impossible while they can -- before they see how the world works and become jaded and cynical like most adults. Sometimes they have the drive and ambition to achieve big things, you shouldn't just assume it'll never happen."

Buffy closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. "Doesn't say much for me, does it... A vampire has better child-rearing skills than I do. Good thing I never plan on having kids, huh? You're right... Why couldn't I have just smiled and nodded or at least shown that I think she can do anything she puts her mind to? I still think it's a crazy idea that could never-ever happen, but... she was excited about it. Dawn and me have been getting along great lately... well, we're getting along a lot _better_ than we have in the past. And I had to upset her over something like that..."

Spike put an arm around Buffy's shoulders and kissed her temple. "Dawn's tougher than you think, luv. She'll be alright."

Buffy sighed. "The worst part is... we don't know how this war with Glory is going to end. I shouldn't shoot down Dawn's ideas about what she wants to do with her life. I want her to be thinking about good things and having a happy future... having _any_ kind of future."

Spike took her gently by the shoulders and turned her to face him, giving Buffy a serious look. " _Nothing_ is gonna happen to the Nibblet while I'm around. You hear me?"

Buffy smiled wanly and wrapped her arms around Spike's middle, leaning into his body for a hug. She was determined to keep everyone she loved alive, but she still worried. "I know you'll do everything you can to protect her. And knowing I'll have you looking out for everyone too helps me deal a little better."

"I'll be lookin' out for you too, Slayer. You'll take care of that hell bitch and get the job done like you always do -- I have no doubt about that -- but I'll do whatever it takes to make sure you, Dawn, your mum, and your friends come out of this safe an' sound." Spike was a bit fond of her friends (except Xander), but he was most fond of Tara at the moment -- from what Buffy had told him, it was Tara who helped her realize that she was in love with him. Tara ranked quite high on Spike's list of 'People To Protect' now.

Dawn entered the kitchen with her nose in the air, deliberately not looking at Buffy. 

When Buffy saw her, she dropped her hands from Spike and stepped away from him. Spike raised an eyebrow, but again he didn't ask why the affection ended the moment Dawn appeared.

Dawn took a notebook from the kitchen counter and then turned to leave the room again.

"Dawn, wait," Buffy said. 

Dawn stopped and sighed heavily. "What?"

"Um, Spike, could you give us a minute?" Buffy asked.

He nodded. On his way out of the kitchen, he patted Dawn on the back. "Thanks again for the food, Platelet, it was brilliant."

Her sour expression turned into a smile. "You're welcome, Spike." Dawn went back to looking peeved after Spike left the room.

"Dawn... I'm sorry I pooh-poohed your idea," Buffy apologized.

"You are?" Dawn asked skeptically.

"Yes, I really am. I don't know why I was so negative."

"I think I might have an idea..."

Buffy blinked. "Okay... what's your theory?"

"Spike complimented me a lot and he liked what I made for him more than he liked what you served him -- you were jealous," Dawn asserted smugly.

Buffy made a face. "Jealous? Are you serious? I was _not_ jealous. Spike said he _loved_ the steak, so why should I be jealous?"

Dawn shrugged. "That's my theory and I'm stickin' to it."

Buffy thought about it for a few moments and was ashamed that she did detect a bit of jealousy. She still thought a vampire restaurant was one of the worst ideas she'd ever heard, but it was possible that she was totally unsupportive because she _was_ a little ticked off that Dawn had shown her up by impressing Spike with the food she'd made.

Buffy sighed, her shoulders slumping. "Alright... there's a _very slim_ chance that... maybe I was kinda jealous." 

Dawn glanced sideways at her.

"You put _a lot_ more work into the dinner than I did... You had the idea about getting the blooming onions, you made the dipping sauce _and_ you made the blood spumoni for him. What'd I do?" Buffy frowned and pouted. "I sprinkled a raw steak with salt and pepper... that's pretty much my contribution to his meal. Spike's done so many sweet things for me, I just wanted to do something special for him too..."

Dawn's posture and expression softened at seeing Buffy look so sad; Dawn realized she might've been trying to outdo Buffy with the dinner -- only on a subconscious level, of course. She'd told Buffy she was okay with her and Spike dating, she had to get rid of the remaining bits of jealousy in her system. Dawn really did want her big sister and Spike to be happy. "Well... you went shopping and bought everything we needed. We wouldn't've had anything to eat if you didn't go out and get what we needed to make it. And you planned the meal -- you did lots of stuff."

Buffy smiled a little because Dawn had gone from being smug and spiteful to trying to cheer her up. Their mother was right -- the mood swings of teenagers were scarier than most demons. "You know I love you, right, Dawn?"

Dawn looked down and nodded. "Yeah." 

"I didn't mean to make you feel stupid or hurt your feelings by saying your idea was bad. I think you're smart and there's nothing you can't do if you're determined. I'm really sorry... okay?" Buffy walked over to Dawn and put a hand on her arm.

"Okay." She turned to Buffy and they gave each other a hug. "I feel bad now... I hogged the spotlight by making all that special stuff for Spike, I should've let you do more of it. I'm sorry... I guess it's harder than I thought it'd be to get out of the habit of trying to impress Spike... but I'll try to remember that you and him are together now. I promise I won't make anything next time he comes over, you can have all the credit. I'll even give you the recipes for vampires I came up with."

"Well... now that I think about it, it's better that you made most of the food. I'm not as good a chef for vampires as you are," Buffy said with a smirk. "I wouldn't mind if you want to make him something special again. You've obviously got a natural talent for it. Just don't make Spike lots of fattening bloody food -- I don't want him to lose his boyish figure."

They giggled. 

Dawn had to stop herself from saying something complimentary about Spike's awesome bod. "Right... you wouldn't want that." After a moment, Dawn sighed then said, "Spike probably thinks I'm a stupid baby for running from the table like that..."

"He doesn't think that, Dawnie. Unfortunately, us Summers girls sometimes get the urge to flee a scene dramatically... he learned that from being around me. But he still thinks you're great. Spike couldn't stop going on and on about how much he loved what you made for him."

Dawn smiled brightly. "Really?"

"Yep. Now stop showing me up in front of my boyfriend, brat," Buffy said, playfully swatting Dawn on the arm.

Dawn giggled and rubbed her arm. "I'll try my best... but I'm just so damn good! It'll be hard to hold back my excellence."

Buffy snorted and smiled, shaking her head. "Want to help me finish the dishes?"

"Not really... but I will 'cause you were cool and apologized to me," Dawn replied, smiling.

It didn't take long for the girls to clean up the kitchen and get the dishes put away.

Once they were done, Buffy had a troubling thought and looked nervously toward the living room. "I wonder if Spike and Mom are talking again? I hope she isn't giving him a lecture or starting another Spanish Inquisition..."

* * *

Dawn and Buffy hurried into the living room to see if Spike was being grilled again. But he and Joyce were just sitting and idly chatting about the Louvre in Paris.

"I'd love to go there someday and see..." Joyce trailed off when she saw her daughters quickly enter the room, looking anxious. "Something wrong, girls?"

"Uh, no, everything's fine," Buffy answered, looking to Spike. He smiled at her and looked comfortable, which made Buffy smile and relax a bit. She was very relieved her mother didn't try to sneak in another serious talk with Spike. "We finished cleaning up in the kitchen."

"That was quick," Joyce remarked. "See how fast you can get things done when you work together and _don't_ argue?"

Buffy and Dawn rolled their eyes in unison and droned, "Yes, Mom."

"We'll let our food settle a bit and then watch some movies, how's that sound, girls?" Joyce asked.

Spike thought, _'I wouldn't recommend watching those movies, especially not on a full stomach...'_

"Sounds good, Mom," Buffy said. She held her hand out to Spike. He stood up and took her hand, letting her lead him into the foyer.

"Everything okay? Mom wasn't putting you on the spot again?" Everything _seemed_ okay, but she needed to make sure.

Spike shook his head. "We were just talking 'bout art museums. Joyce wants to see the Louvre one of these days." He was already sussing out how much money he'd have to save to buy Joyce a plane ticket to Paris.

Buffy blew out a relieved breath and smiled. "We've got a half-hour to kill until movie time. Want to come up to my room for some privacy so we can talk and... stuff?"

Spike nodded and smiled. "I'd love some privacy. I'm fond of your family and all, but I'm dyin' for some time alone with you."

"We'll be back," Buffy called to the living room as she went up the stairs with Spike in tow. "I have to... show Spike something."

Dawn appeared at the side of the staircase as if by magic. She was looking up at Buffy, smirking, her eyebrows raised. Buffy just _knew_ something stupid or inappropriate was about to come out of the teenager's mouth -- and she was right.

"What've you got that Spike hasn't seen yet?" While Dawn doubted Buffy had gotten naked with Spike yet, she just couldn't resist messing with her big sister a little bit. 

Buffy rolled her eyes. "You have such a dirty mind..." She looked toward the living room and leaned over the banister, whispering, "Don't let Mom hear you talking like that. You're so _not_ funny."

"I thought that was pretty funny; you give me lots of good material to work with." Dawn stuck out her tongue at Buffy and then went back into the living room with their mother.

Buffy shook her head and resumed walking up the stairs with Spike. "I swear, I'm gonna punt her ass like a football one of these days..." she swore under her breath.

Spike chuckled. "It was a bit funny, luv. When did she get so cheeky?"

"Around the time you and I started dating... She's been _extra_ cheeky since then."

* * *

Once they were in Buffy's room and had some privacy, Spike asked, "Is there a reason you don't want to kiss or touch me in front of your family?"

"It's _not_ because I'm ashamed of you." Buffy groaned internally, hoping Spike wasn't back to thinking she was ashamed to be with him. 

"No, I don't think that," he said with a shake of his head. "It just... seems sorta strange, is all. I know you've kissed other guys in front of your family." Dawn had told him of a few instances that she'd seen Buffy and Riley smooching and how it had made her want to barf -- and Dawn relaying the stories to Spike made him want to barf just hearing about it. "It just left me wondering what your reason was for not doing the same with me."

"Alright... I'll tell you," Buffy said reluctantly. It was better to let Spike in on the secret rather than have him getting paranoid about the lack of affection when they were with her family. "But you can't say anything to Dawn about this, okay?"

Spike shrugged, then nodded. "I won't say a word to her about... what exactly?"

"She had... a big crush on you. She'd kill me if she knew I told you."

Spike sighed, smiling ruefully. "Yeah, that's what I reckoned the problem was... You didn't have to tell me, pet. I already knew."

"You did?"

"Please, Buffy, I think I know the signs that a girl fancies me by now. I have to give the Nibblet credit though, she never came on too strong, she kept her feelings close to the vest. Most blokes probably wouldn't've noticed she had a crush."

"You knew she was crushing on you... and you still let her hang out with you?" Buffy asked, crossing her arms and raising her eyebrows.

Spike held up his hands. "I told you, I think of her like a little sister; I never led the girl on. She had a thing for me, but all she did when she was around me was be my friend. As you know, I don't have a great deal of those... I just enjoyed spending time with her. But I would've sent her home straightaway if she'd taken it too far or suggested we be more than friends."

Buffy still looked a little irritated, so Spike went on, hoping she'd understand. "Dawn seemed to feel at ease talking to me more than anyone else. She was upset when she found out about bein' the Key, her whole world was turned upside down, and I was the only one she felt okay talking about it with. I s'pose it was mostly because I was _different_ too. I didn't want to have to tell her she couldn't come to me anymore... she _needed_ to talk about what was upsettin' her; she had a lotta questions about herself, her nature. I did my best to reassure her that being different wasn't a bad thing. I worried about the girl."

Buffy was appeased by that. She uncrossed her arms and nodded. "Well... okay then. I wasn't at the time I found her at your crypt, but I'm really grateful now that Dawn had you to talk to. We tried to get her to open up to us, but we mostly got shrieking and crying out of her... not much talking."

"Would you be bothered if Dawn still wants to come to me to talk?" Spike hoped he wouldn't have to send the girl away if she really needed to talk to him, but he didn't want to make Buffy uncomfortable about him spending time with her sister.

Buffy considered telling him to scale way back on the time he spent with Dawn... but that wouldn't be fair to either of them. If Dawn felt comfortable telling Spike her fears, and if Spike liked being around someone who considered him a friend, who was Buffy to put an end to that? 

"No... I mean, I'd be bothered _a little_ because I'd worry that Dawn isn't really trying to move on from her crush. But the two of you are friends... so I'd be okay with it. Just as long as she doesn't try to jump you or something..."

Spike laughed. "I don't think she'll be doin' anything like that."

Buffy shrugged. She didn't think Dawn would pounce on Spike; her little sister seemed to be supportive of Buffy pursuing a relationship with Spike (most of the time). But there was a tiny seed of doubt in Buffy's mind after all of Dawn's 'If Spike was _my_ boyfriend, I would (fill in the blank).'

"If Dawn ever _does_ do or say something inappropriate to you..." Buffy didn't think she needed to finish that sentence.

Spike nodded. "I'll have a serious talk with her, let her know that sorta thing isn't going to happen."

"And?" Buffy asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Aaand..." Spike repeated slowly, wondering what he was supposed to add to that. "Uh... and... _then_ I'll tell you about it so you can talk to her too and set the girl straight."

Buffy smiled, and Spike breathed out in relief that he'd gotten the answer right. 

"So... you won't kiss me or allow any PDAs when Dawn's around 'cos... she'd be jealous?" Spike asked.

"I promised her we wouldn't kiss... or be too affectionate in front of her."

Spike rolled his eyes. "Great. So it's 'hands and lips off each other' when the Bit's around?"

"Um... yeah. I just don't want to rub it in her face that I got the guy she'd been crushing on for a long time. When she heard me say that you and I were going to be dating... she cried."

Spike sighed and looked down at the floor, regretting that Dawn had to be sad about the same thing that made him the happiest he'd ever been. "Yeah... wouldn't want to hurt the girl. We should... cushion the blow as much as we can. This being considerate of others' feelings bollocks is hard to get used to."

"There is hope though -- she said there's a boy named Sean in art class that she likes. So maybe she'll be 'over you' soon."

"Sean, eh?" Spike asked, arching an eyebrow and looking suspicious. "Got a last name, does he?"

"Why, so you can find out where he lives and keep him under surveillance? You're so paranoid, you think everyone is up to no good."

"Happens more often than not in Sunnyhell, luv. I do want Dawn to find someone she fancies that's not _me_ , but she deserves the best -- well, you've got the best, but she can have second best," he joked. "I'm just sayin', I might have to check the boy out, make sure he's the type that'll treat her right. Teenage boys can be the foulest, randiest creatures to ever slither out from under a rock."

"Don't start investigating the poor kid, he sounds nice from what Dawn's told me about him. You can't chase off my mom and sister's boyfriends," Buffy laughed. She wouldn't be laughing if she thought he was being totally serious. "Dawn said Sean's normal, and for now I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he really is." She bit her lip. "You can't tell her you knew about her crush -- especially not that I told you -- she said she'd die of embarrassment if you knew. And in Sunnydale, that just might be possible."

"Give me a tiny sliver of credit, Buffy. Last thing I'd want to do is embarrass or hurt Dawn in any way. She's a sweet, sensitive girl. 'Sides, you already made me promise not to tell her and I already agreed."

"I know, it's just one of those things you have to say -- and stress -- when you want someone to keep a secret."

"She won't hear anything about it from me," Spike promised.

"And you _won't_ be doing any background checks into Brian or Sean -- nor will you follow them around?" she asked leadingly.

"Yeah... alright." Spike sighed melodramatically. "I'll back off. S'pose it'd seem a _bit_ hypocritical of me to deem a bloke not good enough for your mum or Dawn."

"Mmhmm." Buffy put her arms around his neck. "On a much nicer topic, did I tell you how much I loved the roses and card you sent?"

Spike smiled and held her in his arms. "Yes, you did. I love giving you gifts, I get to see this beautiful smile." He traced her bottom lip with the pad of his thumb.

Buffy kissed him softly. 

"And I get those," Spike added with a smirk. "I _love_ gettin' those." He went in for another kiss.

Buffy pulled back slightly before he could kiss her. "We still have some time... you want to makeout a little?"

"I thought that's what we were doin', luv? And we were doin' fine until you moved your lips out of snogging range."

"I thought we could..." her eyes went to her bed, "move over _there_ and get more comfy whilst we snog."

Spike leaned back to get a better look at her, searching her face for any sign of distress. "You sure you're... okay with us doing that?" he asked, worried that it was too soon after Buffy's freakout for them to makeout on a bed again. "You're not... just sayin' you want to 'cos you know I'd like it?" 

"Spike, I told you I won't do anything just because a man -- even a very _hot_ man, like yourself -- wants me to do it." She pulled him back to her and gave him a long, slow kiss. "I really, _really_ want to do exactly what I suggested. I've been wanting to kiss the hell outta you since I woke up this morning."

Buffy grinned and started guiding him toward the bed, but Spike dragged his heels, pulling back. Buffy looked at him questioningly. Had she traumatized him more than she thought? Maybe Spike was still too gun-shy to makeout with her on a bed...

"Uh, before we start gettin' cozy, I'd like to... brush my teeth. I've still got traces of the hot sauce that almost scorched your tongue and the blood from the spumoni in my mouth. And it might spoil the mood if your tongue gets burned again, I want kissing me to be a _pleasant_ experience for you."

Buffy laughed, relieved that was the only reason for his hesitance. "Aww, that's so considerate of you. That's probably a good idea -- I could feel the heat from that sauce just on your lips, the inside of your mouth must be like a furnace. There's a spare toothbrush in the bathroom cabinet you can use."

"Right. I'll be quick," he said, heading for the door. Before he left the room, Spike stopped at the door and turned his head to wink at her and say, "Don't start without me." 

Buffy checked her look in the mirror. "Yikes... I don't look hot at all -- I'm the opposite of hot." She took her hair out of the ponytail and gave it a few quick strokes with her hairbrush, then fluffed it up. Then she applied some cherry lip gloss. Instead of brushing her teeth, Buffy used mint breath spray as a temporary solution to her onion breath. This was just a little primping, the serious glamorizing would happen later, after her mom and Dawn went to bed.

* * *

"Minty fresh?" Buffy asked when Spike came back into the bedroom.

"Mmmhmm." Spike walked to her, put his arms around her waist and kissed her. "I even used mouthwash and flossed, just for you." He opened his mouth and huffed a short, minty-scented breath at her.

"Much better, and my lips aren't burning from the kiss... not in a _bad_ way," Buffy said with a sly smile. 

"You smell rather minty yerself, pet. You freshened up a bit as well, I see," Spike observed, running his fingers through her silky hair. 

"I had to; I scared myself when I looked in the mirror -- I looked like crap."

Spike shook his head and started to say something.

"I know," Buffy said and kissed him sweetly, "I'm a gorgeous creature who _couldn't possibly_ look like crap."

"Do I have to keep remindin' you of that?" he asked with a cocked brow.

"It would seem so," Buffy joked. She looked at him demurely. "I don't think I told you how much I loved last night -- the part after we made up. We needed that... after how I wigged the other night. I needed to be close to you... to let you know I love and trust you. I didn't want you to think I was a lost cause."

"I'd never think you were a lost cause... I kept hope alive even when you hated my guts." Spike nuzzled her ear, giving her earlobe little nibbles and kisses between words. "I loved last night too, pet." He pulled back to look into her eyes, wanting her to see how much it really meant to him. "Last night, talking with you... laying in bed and holding you while you slept, you telling me that you love me... it was the _best_ night of my life. Every time I think you've given me my best night, you do something else that takes its place." Some romantic words came to his mind. Spike took her hand and gently kissed her knuckles. "Within you I lose myself. Without you I find myself wanting to become lost again."

Buffy was getting swoony, she needed to have him in her bed and be kissing him right now. It would be a little... preview of things to come. "Wanna makeout while we still have a few minutes?" Buffy asked breathily.

Spike raised an eyebrow and smiled. He turned and jumped on the bed on his knees.

Buffy laughed loudly. "Don't break my bed!" She put her hand over her mouth and looked at the door, hoping her mom or Dawn didn't hear that --- they might get the wrong idea about what was going on up here.

"Seems fairly sturdy to me," Spike said as he bounced up and down. He thought, _'Might have to get it reinforced with steel when the two of us start shagging on it regularly...'_

Buffy climbed on the bed on her knees with him, putting her arms around him. "You break my bed, you'd better buy me a new one... maybe one with a canopy, a princess bed -- I always wanted one of those."

"I'll buy you a hundred beds if I 'ave to, Your Highness, but I'm gonna wanta bounce on all of 'em."

"You're a very silly vampire... but I love you anyway." Buffy pressed her lips to his and lay down on the bed, bringing Spike down to the mattress with her.

Spike smiled against her lips as they continued to kiss and get comfier. They started out on their sides, kissing and holding each other. Buffy pushed Spike onto his back and draped herself half on top of him. As they kissed, she moved her hand under his shirt, running her hand up and down over his tight abdomen and chest.

Spike wanted to get up her shirt too, but decided to keep his hands on the outside of her clothes. He was still concerned Buffy would get spooked again if they started getting too hot and heavy. He had no idea how ready Buffy actually was to getting physical -- Spike still thought they weren't going to even discuss sex until next month.

His hands stroked in downward circles on her back, down to her butt for a slow squeeze or two, then back up. Spike wanted to keep his caresses on her naughty bits short and sweet, hoping Buffy would be okay with that.

Buffy was _very_ okay with that -- she wanted more, but serious groping could be saved for later. Feeling his soft skin and hard muscles under her palm, and his lips and tongue tangling with hers, had Buffy fervently wishing she could fast-forward to when she and Spike could shed their clothes and finally make love. Maybe her sister and mother would be extra drowsy after their big meal? Did they have any cough medicine in the house which she could discreetly slip into their sodas? Nah, she wouldn't do that... but it was tempting. 

Even though their kisses and touches were slow and relaxed, Spike was getting more and more aroused. Buffy was going to notice soon that his slacks were becoming _less slack_ in a certain area. He was getting harder, despite feeling a bit nervous about her possibly having relationship flashbacks again.

Until they started making out on her bed, he didn't realize how nervous he'd be that she'd jump up and run away in tears again. Spike tried to shoo away those anxious feelings and just trust that Buffy wouldn't have started this unless she thought she'd be alright. It wasn't like they were going to have sex right now (or any time soon), he hoped she'd be fine if there were no expectations of the kissing progressing into something more.

With her right leg between both of his, Buffy couldn't help but notice that Spike was getting tight in the pants. She was very tempted to touch his hardness through his trousers, wanting to feel how she was affecting him. But they only had a few minutes left to be alone, she shouldn't get him even more worked up when they'd have to stop so soon.

Just then, there was a knock at the bedroom door. 

They stopped kissing and raised their heads to look at the door.

"Buffy," Dawn's voice came through the closed door, "Mom says you have to leave your door open when you have boy vampires in your room."

Buffy growled (which Spike found _very_ sexy -- and made his 'condition' become more pronounced). She rolled onto her back and grabbed one of her boots off the floor, and then threw it at the door. They heard Dawn let out an 'Eeep!' at the thud the boot made. "Next time I'll throw something hard enough to go _through_ the door and hit you on the head! Go away, you're not funny!"

They heard Dawn giggling. "Sorrrry! Didn't mean to interrupt... but Mom wants to start the first movie soon. I hope you can tear yourself away from whatever you're _doing_ in there..." They heard her giggling again as she scampered back downstairs.

Buffy groaned, rolled back to lie half on top of Spike again, and dropped her head down to his shoulder. "She's really askin' for an ass kicking..." 

Spike smiled and brushed aside a strand of hair that had fallen across Buffy's face. "S'pose you'd... better get down there, yeah?"

Buffy put her hand on his chest and then walked her fingers down to the hem of his shirt. Then she snaked her hand underneath to feel his skin again. She smiled devilishly. "I'll go down in a few minutes... I don't want to stop what we're doing quite yet. I like touching you... the way your skin feels..." She made a moaning sound and started kissing the side of his neck. 

Spike took a deep breath, hoping he could control his body's reactions to what she was doing to him. 

Buffy latched onto his lips with hers while her hand that was feeling him up rubbed over his nipple, making Spike moan into her mouth.

Buffy smiled at the sound, she hoped she'd be hearing that sound come out of him many more times tonight. As if making out with Spike wasn't making her hot enough, hearing him moan made her nether regions throb. Her inner-voice whispered, _'See? You're getting him excited and moan-y and you both still have your clothes on -- you have *nothing* to worry about. And now you know he likes his nipples to be stimulated -- you're learning good stuff to use later.'_ Buffy's inner-voice was _finally_ being encouraging. Or... was Evil Twin Buffy just biding her time to try and destroy her self-esteem?

They heard Dawn's voice, from the bottom of the stairs this time -- Dawn didn't know if Buffy was serious about throwing something through the door, so she played it safe and stayed far away from the door. "Buffy, do you want cheese popcorn or regular?"

Buffy sighed, disappointed at having to stop smooching with Spike. She raised her head and said loudly enough for Dawn to hear, "Whatever you guys want is okay!" She looked at Spike apologetically. "Well... I guess I'd better go downstairs now."

She started to climb off the bed, Spike reached out and took hold of the bottom of her shirt, smirking at her. "Stay here, let them watch those bloody awful movies by themselves. Those are hours of your life you'll never get back."

Buffy raised her eyebrows, amused. "Let go, you extremely naughty man."

"C'mon... you know you'd rather stay here with me instead of watchin' those insipid movies, pet." If Spike thought Buffy was really scared or upset, he would've stopped playing around. But he could tell from her expression that she knew what he was saying was all in good fun.

"Perhaps I would rather stay up here with you..." she said coyly. "But I told my mom I'd watch them with her and Dawn. Now, let go of the shirt." She tried to sound serious, but was smiling just enough to let Spike know she wasn't upset.

"Uh-uh." He smirked broadly and slowly shook his head. "Hey, I know how you can foil my evil plan: you can pull out of the shirt, leavin' me holdin' nothing but an empty shirt. That'd teach me a right good lesson."

"Hmm yeah, I guess that might work. Or... I could do _this_ ," Buffy said, then smacked his hand.

Spike let go and shook out his hand. "Ow!" He laughed and rolled onto his stomach, weakly straining to reach for her.

Buffy giggled and danced out of his grasp. 

His voice was muffled as he buried his face in the covers. "You're a devil woman." 

"There will be plenty of time for more smoochies in the future."

Spike sighed and sat up on the bed, hanging his legs over the side. "I bloody well hope so. But... it's best that we stopped when we did. Don't want to get too..."

Buffy nodded. "Right, yeah. We were both getting too... Yeah, it's good that we stopped when we did." She held her hand out to him. "Come on, I'll walk you to the door and give you a nice kiss to send you out on patrol."

"Uh... You go on ahead, I'll be down in a minute."

"Why in a minute?"

"Got a... bit of a situation I need to wait out," Spike said, glancing down at his groin. He took a pillow and held it on his lap. 

"Oh..." Buffy blushed. "Um... Okay, whenever you're... comfortable, then." She bent down and gave him a peck on the cheek.

Spike sighed and flopped onto his back when she closed the door behind her. "Bloody hell... waiting is torture." He closed his eyes and breathed deeply. "Buffy's worth it. In the meantime, I'll finish patrolling, then go home -- where I'll once again be entertaining Ms. Rosy Palm and her five dancing sisters."

* * *

Spike finally felt ready to leave five minutes later. He'd still need a cold shower at some point tonight, but now he could be seen by Buffy's family without a noticeable tent in his trousers.

Buffy was waiting at the bottom of the stairs and smiled at Spike when she saw him coming down. "Better now?" she asked once he joined her.

"Yeah, I'm more..." Spike cleared his throat, "...relaxed now." He took his duster from the hook by the door and slipped it on. "G'night, ladies," he called to the kitchen where Dawn and Joyce were popping some corn for the movie.

"Goodnight, Spike," they called back. 

He opened the door and stepped out onto the porch, then he turned around, hoping for one more kiss from Buffy. "I had a good time tonight. Thanks for havin' me, luv."

Buffy smirked, thinking she would be _havin' him_ in a different way later. Spike's night, as well as hers, was (hopefully) going to get a lot more fun and interesting in a few hours.

"We'll have to do the family dinner thing at least once a week. Would you like that?" Buffy asked.

Spike smiled, getting choked up again but trying desperately to hide it. It amazed him that Joyce and Dawn really liked having him over -- it still seemed like some wonderful dream that Buffy herself actually wanted him to come to her home for any reason. He actually had people who cared for him, good and decent people who shouldn't let the likes of him anywhere near them or their house. But that's how big their hearts were, and what forgiving souls they were. The Summers clan were Spike's family now -- God help the poor bastard who tried causing them any distress or harm -- the wrath of William the Bloody would come down on them like Thor's bloody hammer. 

"Yeah... I'd like that," Spike finally said. "If your mum and Dawn are agreeable to it, that is."

"I'm sure they will be." Buffy leaned out the door to give him a tender kiss. "You be careful on patrol now," she cautioned.

Spike sneered, joking, "I can't do _careful_. I'm not made that way, baby."

Buffy shook a finger at him. "Yes you _can_ be careful and you _will_. You're my boyfriend now, you gotta do what I say or no more snogging."

Spike laughed, dropping the badass bravado. "Ah, you women really know how to get what you want, don't ya? Got us blokes over a barrel." Getting more serious, he raised his hand to caress her cheek and said, "'Course I'll be careful, pet. I've got lots to live for these days... I'll be damned if I'm gonna let some mangy demon get a lucky shot in now."

Buffy smiled, hoping he really would try being more careful in the future. 

Spike was about to turn away when Buffy took him by the lapels of his duster and brought him close enough to whisper. "Come back after you're done patrolling... but don't come to the front door."

Spike's brow furrowed. "Eh?"

Buffy rolled her eyes, she wanted to get him out the door before he could ask any follow-up questions. Her heart was beating like a bass drum as she took the final step in setting up their rendezvous. "I said, come back later after you're done patrolling and they," she nodded her head back toward the kitchen, "have gone to bed. Wait outside by the tree until I give you the signal -- which will be my bedroom light being turned on and off twice. Then come up to my window."

"Your window? Signal? What's --"

"Just do it, okay?" Buffy said impatiently. She took firmer hold of his lapels, pulled him to her and gave him a hard kiss on the lips. Then she pushed him back out the door. "See you later!" she whispered.

Spike was able to get out, "Wait! What do you --" before the door was shut in his face. He didn't have a chance to finish asking her for the reason she wanted him to come back. He stood there blinking, his brow still furrowed in confusion. He squinted up at the porch light as it was switched off, leaving him alone on the dark porch.

"Come back later... when they're in bed? Bloody hell..." Spike ran a hand back through his hair. "What does she want me to do that for? And why didn't she say anything about it while we were alone upstairs?" Of course his mind went to the naughtiest of places. "Maybe she wants to...?" Spike closed his eyes and winced. 

He reprimanded himself, _'Stop thinkin' about sex! We agreed that we'd talk about it in a month -- it's been less than twenty-four bloody hours -- that's *not* what's on her mind... in spite of the excellent snogging in her bedroom a few minutes ago. Buffy probably.... just wants to sleep together again like we did last night... Yeah, that's what she asked me back to do. I wouldn't mind doin' that again...'_ He sighed dreamily. "Looks like an angel when she sleeps." 

Spike smiled, thinking of being able to hold Buffy in his arms again, breathing in her scent, listening to her heart beating steadily, seeing how much she trusted him and how comfortable she was with him now. No, he wouldn't mind spending the night with her again, not at all. Cuddling wasn't shagging, but it was the next best thing.

Spike finally turned from the door and went down the porch steps on his way to the nearest cemetery. Convinced that he had another night of closeness (but cuddling only) to look forward to with his ladylove.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * The quote on the card that came with the roses Spike sent Buffy is credited to Gretchen Kemp  
> ** Banner by xoChantelly


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Passion4Spike for being the bestest beta in the world! Thanks also to Dark Heart for all of his encouragement and support :) 
> 
> More thanks to all my loyal fans *group hugs* Only two more chapters to go!
> 
> Banner by xoChantelly

 

Spike dusted two vamps and snapped the neck of a Feklahr demon on patrol. He noticed it had been a little over three and a half hours since he'd left Buffy's house, which should be about just enough time for the girls to get through both movies. Spike decided to call it a night. He was anxious to get back to the house and into Buffy's arms for another cuddle.

To guarantee he'd get there after the movies were over, Spike went back to the crypt, taking the time to change and spruce himself up a bit before he saw Buffy again. He showered and changed, putting on his 'classic Spike' clothes. He wanted to look and smell his best since he and Buffy would be holding each other close again. This time he planned on staying all night, so he would take his traveling blanket along for when he had to make a mad dash for the sewers in the morning.

"Hope they still aren't watchin' those bloody movies..." he muttered as he set off for Revello.

* * *

Spike was pleased to see the lights were off in the lower portion of the house; his timing was good for once. But he didn't know how long it had been since they'd gone to bed. If they'd just turned in a few minutes ago, he might still be in for a bit of a wait while they all got settled in for the night. He knew a woman's bedtime routine could take for-bloody-ever, with all their face creams, ointments, and whatnot they usually apply. 

Buffy's blinds were drawn, but he could see dim light shining behind them. She was in her bedroom already; that seemed to be a good sign. Maybe he wouldn't have to wait too long, after all. 

Spike leaned back against the tree and lit a cigarette to pass the time. It wasn't until he was looking up at the window in anticipation of seeing Buffy, that he realized he'd forgotten to have a good wank before coming back here. Spike didn't want to get _too_ excited if Buffy wanted to do a little snogging and fondling. _'S'pose I can excuse myself and use the bathroom if it gets too bad...'_

Spike squinted up at the sky when he felt a raindrop on his hand. "Bloody hell, don't tell me it's rainin' _again_... Bloody weathermen said it was s'posed to be clear." He growled at yet another faulty forecast. How did those gits keep their jobs?

He groaned and closed his eyes when it started drizzling. Even under the protection of the tree the rain found him, his hair was getting wet and beginning to curl as the gel was rinsed out, and rain was running down his face. "Oh, this is just bloody marvelous. Maybe I'll get struck by lightning too, that'd be a fine way to end the night. How long am I gonna be..."

Buffy's bedroom light flicked on and off twice.

"And that would be the signal." Spike smiled broadly, instantly forgetting how annoyed he'd been just a moment ago. He flicked his cigarette away and jogged to the tree below her window.

* * *

Buffy was oblivious to the weather conditions outside. She'd been too preoccupied with getting everything ready and beautifying herself to notice. The candles and incense were lit, everything else she wanted to have for tonight was in place. She'd just turned her light on and off twice to signal Spike, it was almost show time.

Buffy was still nervous about how she'd _perform_ , but her love and passion for Spike were stronger than the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach or anything her Evil Twin might try bombarding her with. It wasn't about being 'perfect', she told herself again, it was about letting herself be vulnerable with him, showing him how much she loved him, and giving him pleasure. Buffy was fairly confident the mean, critical Buffys in her head would stay quiet. But if they did start doing shit to scare her again, she believed she was strong enough to shut them out.

Buffy bit her lip and was looking around her bedroom with a critical eye again to make sure she hadn't forgotten anything, when she heard a light tapping on her window. She did one more quick visual sweep of the room before going to the window and drawing up the blind.

Spike smiled and gave a little wave when they could see each other. Buffy smiled too, then she saw it was raining all over him; she'd been so involved with setting everything up and preparing herself, that she hadn't noticed it was raining _again_.

Buffy opened the window right away. "Oh, Spike, I'm sorry I made you wait out there! I didn't know it was raining."

"No worries. I was -- shit!" Spike slipped on the slick roof and fell through the window headfirst instead of gracefully stepping through it as he'd planned. He hit the floor with a thud. 

Buffy gasped and knelt down next to him. "Are you okay?" she asked, putting a hand on his back.

Spike groaned, then raised up to his knees and sat back on his heels. "...That was _not_ the debonair entrance I wanted to make."

Buffy smiled again at seeing he was all right. She took his arm and encouraged him to stand up.

Spike lowered his voice, looking toward the bedroom door. "Sorry for the noise, pet. You think they heard me hittin' the floor?"

"No, they didn't hear anything," Buffy said, sounding self-assured. "I'm sorry you had to wait out in the rain. I can't believe it's raining again," she commented, looking out the window as she closed it against the downpour. Thunder boomed in the distance and she saw lightning streak across the sky as she closed the blinds again.

"We're gonna have to start gathering up two of every animal if this keeps up," Spike joked as he dried his face and hair with his traveling blanket.

After he was a bit drier, he noticed there were lit pillar candles set up around the room; that accounted for the dim light he'd seen through the blinds. There was also some incense burning (sandalwood if he wasn't mistaken), which was unusual for Buffy; as far as he knew, she wasn't in the habit of burning incense. "Someone went to the candle shop," Spike observed.

"I thought they'd add a nice, cozy atmosphere," Buffy explained, averting her gaze from his uncertainly.

Spike nodded approvingly. He paused, listening to something.

"Something... wrong?" Buffy questioned, chewing on her bottom lip nervously. It'd be just their luck if something bad happened to ruin their special night.

"Are you all right?" Spike asked, looking at her with concern.

"Yeah... I'm fine. Why do you ask?" she replied, trying to keep her voice calm and even.

"Your heart's beatin' a mile a minute." Spike didn't even have to listen more closely or concentrate like he usually did to hear her heart beating at an accelerated rate. It sounded like she’d just run a marathon and single-handedly beheaded a few giant Fretenjohnie demons. Was something upsetting or worrying her? He hoped she would share it with him and not try to just handle it by herself.

Buffy swallowed hard, then forced a smile to her lips. "Oh. Ummmm... Well, I'm just... happy to see you again, that's all," she explained, trying to sound casual. Buffy would let him in on her real plans for the evening soon, but the nervous butterflies in her stomach were swarming at the moment. She needed a few minutes to get her pre-sex jitters under control. "And your dramatic entrance startled me."

"I'm known for my entrances and exits... just don't tell anyone about that particular one." Spike looked her over appreciatively. "You look especially fetching tonight." She was wearing her bathrobe, but it was obvious she'd done her hair and put on makeup. "You look too beautiful just to stay in for the night," he said, reaching out and lightly stroking her cheek. "Sure you don't want to get dressed and go out? We could find some place dry and --"

"I'm right where I want to be. I wanted to look nice for you," Buffy declined, fluffing up her hair and batting her eyes. 

Spike smiled and shook his head. "Still boggles my mind... you wanting to look good for _me_. Your heart beatin' fast just because you're happy to see _me_... I spent so much bloody time pining for you, thinking I'd never have a chance in hell of actually being with you... Seems like it can't be real; I must be dreaming."

"I know what you mean, it still seems crazy that it's my former arch-nemesis who makes my heart go pitter-pat... but that's how it is now." She shot him a demure smile and asked, "Aren't you going to ask me why I wanted you to come back here after Mom and Dawn went to bed? You seemed to have a few questions about it when I closed the door."

"I sussed it out on my own," Spike replied with a smirk.

Buffy pouted slightly in disappointment. "You did? I wanted it to be a surprise..."

"Yeah, I had to think on it for a mo', but I realized you wanted to spend the night together again. I'd like that too, so here I am -- ready for a good cuddle with my best girl." 

_'Goody, he doesn't know what I really have in mind,'_ Buffy thought. "If I'm your best girl, then how come you've been in here for more than a minute and you aren't kissing me yet?"

Spike didn't need to be asked twice. He wrapped his arms around her and eagerly pressed his lips to hers. Their eyes slid closed as they kissed softly and slowly, both thinking how it seemed like an eternity since they'd kissed when, in reality, it had only been a few hours. Why had they wasted so much time fighting in the past when they could've been doing _this_?

"I bought some things just for tonight," Buffy admitted breathily when Spike began to nibble on her earlobe.

"Mmmhmm, the candles and incense. Lovely touches, pet. Very posh."

"There's more. I hope everything I got will show you how much you mean to me... I never want you to doubt that I love you."

Spike pulled back, smiling and going all gooey inside to hear Buffy talk to him like that; he couldn't express with mere words the joy it brought him. "What else did you get?"

Buffy went to her bedside table and picked up her stereo remote. She pointed it at the stereo and turned it on. 'Count On Me' began playing softly. "I thought some romantic music would be good."

Spike chuckled. "You've thought of everything."

"I hope the song doesn't make you think too much about me wigging out the other night... I wanted to have nicer memories of us hearing it together."

Spike shook his head. "I love the song and I reckon it'd be bloody brilliant for us to have an evening that ends well to associate with it."

"Good," she breathed out with relief. "I was worried it was a bad idea."

"Your romantic instincts are good, you shouldn't doubt yourself so much, Buffy... And, yes, I do realize how ironic that is coming from me. Do as I say and not as I do."

Buffy laughed and shook her head. "I think both of us will get more confident as time goes on. We won't constantly worry our gifts or romantic gestures will be taken the wrong way... Let's hope so, anyway."

"Yeah, we'll have to work on that. Fancy a dance, Mademoiselle Summers?" Spike asked with an arched eyebrow and a smile, extending his hand to her.

Buffy set the remote back down on the table. "I'd love to, Monsieur Swann." She took his hand and let him draw her to him. Buffy's arms went around his neck and Spike held her waist as they moved their bodies slowly to the music.

Buffy rested her head on his shoulder while they danced. She let her body melt against his, forcing herself to relax and just enjoy the music and the feel of his strong arms around her. It was getting closer to the time they'd actually be doing the deed, but she was feeling calmer than she'd felt just a few minutes ago. 

She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes. _'This man loves me, he wants me, he'll be good to me, he won't leave me. I don't have to be afraid... not with him.'_

With that thought echoing in her mind, and her confidence level going up another notch, Buffy gently pulled Spike's head down and kissed his lips. "I love you, Spike."

Spike sighed with happiness. "Love you, too. I adore you, Buffy," he said, nuzzling her cheek.

Buffy softly kissed the side of his neck, inhaling his scent and getting more aroused by it. "You look so good tonight."

"I'm all wet," Spike chuckled, smoothing back his damp hair with one hand, trying to flatten the curls that the rain had freed. 

_'You ain't the only one,'_ Buffy thought, smirking and squirming slightly. It had been a long while since just the anticipation of having sex had made her this squishy in the panties. "You look good wet. And... mmmm, you smell so good, too," she purred as she continued pressing hot, damp kisses to his throat.

Spike's eyes closed at the feel of her soft lips and hot breath on his neck. She dragged her lips across his throat to give the other side some kisses and nibbles, pausing for a few moments to lick and softly suck on his Adam's apple. Spike sighed with happiness, astonished once again at the enormous power this little, blonde woman had over him. At this moment, he would do _anything_ she asked of him... just as long as she promised to keep kissing and touching him.

Spike thought this was as hot and heavy as things would get for tonight... and that would be okay with him. Of course he wanted to keep going, but he loved Buffy more than life itself. He could wait for the hotter, heavier action. This, the passionate kisses and touches, was more than enough to tide him over.

He didn't know the waiting was now officially over.

Buffy's hands moved downward over his chest, caressing him. Buffy smiled against his skin when she felt him shiver. She reminded herself again that Spike craved her so much that even the little things (like kissing his neck and just touching him) made him shudder with pleasure. So it was probably true that he'd really enjoy anything she did to him.

Buffy's confidence built as her hands neared his belt. At the same time, Spike realized he was getting hard at an alarming rate. He thought, _'How could I have forgotten to toss off before coming here?!'_

"I bought something else I hope you'll like," Buffy whispered near his ear.

"Yeah?" Spike took the opportunity to take her hands in his, moving them away from his belt. He feared that if her hands made contact with his stiffening dick, it might just burst out through his jeans to say hello.

Buffy took a few steps backward from him, untied her robe, and then shrugged it off until it slid down her arms. She tossed the robe over a chair, her eyes never leaving him. "Do you like it?" she asked while slowly sliding her hands down her sides until they rested on her hips.

Spike's eyes were wide and riveted to Buffy's body. She was wearing a silky, sheer, red nightgown trimmed in black lace that barely came halfway down her thighs. He had no idea she had on something so... provocative under that innocent-looking bathrobe.

He opened his mouth to say something, but all that came out was, "Gah..." If Spike looked at her nightie hard enough, and he definitely was looking at it intensely, he could see through the fabric. The sheer fabric left very little to Spike's imagination. Feeling slightly cheated, his imagination immediately conjured all sorts of new images for him, beginning with how that nightie would look puddled at Buffy’s feet.

Buffy had started to feel a little _exposed_ and insecure, thinking Spike didn't like it when he didn't say anything. But the way he was staring at her, a combination of surprise and extreme lust, was giving her some of that confidence back.

Spike cleared his throat, forcing those images from his mind, and looked up into her eyes. His voice was strained and shook slightly as he spoke. "It's very... very nice."

"I wanted to look good for you." Buffy bit her lip in that naughty, coquettish way she knew Spike found sexy. "Wanna do some cuddling now?"

Spike made a sound somewhere between a groan and a whimper. "Is... is this some kind of a test?" he was finally able to ask.

Buffy's brow furrowed. "Huh?"

"You want to see if I'm able to control myself with you wearing..." Spike stared at her negligee, forgetting what he'd wanted to say. He had to close his eyes and think hard to remember. The borrowed blood in his body was not heading for his brain. "With you... wearing something sheer and sexy?"

"I'm not testing you."

Spike ran a hand back through his damp hair in exasperation, inadvertently loosening more curls. "Whether you intended it to be a test or not, it bloody well is. Don't get me wrong, I... I _can_ control myself and be in the same bed with you even when you're wearing..." He had to pause for a few moments, his mind going blank again as he looked at the way her nightgown hugged every curve and swerve of her torso and hips. Her nipples tugged at the sheer fabric in the most appetizing way, causing him to unconsciously lick his lips.

Spike swallowed hard and looked back up into her eyes, completely forgetting what it was he'd been about to say again. "I will keep my promise about waiting until you're ready. But... I think I'd better use the bathroom to, uh, get some relief before we... cuddle. It's not easy to fall asleep when a part of my body is wide awake."

"You really don't have to do that, Spike."

He let out a groan. "Yes... yes I really, really do. I'll be quiet, I won't wake anyone up if that's what you're worried about." 

Spike was starting to turn toward the bedroom door, but Buffy took him by the arm. He stopped and looked at her, holding in another whimper and wishing she'd just let him go to do what he needed to do. As it was, there was no way he'd get a wink of sleep until he tossed off.

"You said you'd wait until I was ready," Buffy stated.

Spike had to take a deep breath and remind himself to be patient with her. "And I meant it, Buffy. I just have to take care of..."

"Well..." She took an anxious breath and smiled. "I'm ready now."

Spike's eyebrows shot up, the rest of his face went slack with disbelief. He heard the words, but they seemed to come apart when they hit his brain, pushing the last bit of blood left in that part of his body southward. He struggled to put them back together into something coherent, shaking his head slightly to try and retrieve some of the blood that had suddenly abandoned his cerebral cortex.

"I'm ready, Spike," Buffy repeated when he didn't say anything or move. "I don't want to wait any longer to be with you." 

Spike was still just standing there with the same shocked expression on his face.

"Spike? Are you going to say something? Don't tell me you have a headache," she joked nervously.

He blinked and licked his lips, finally showing some signs of life as a little of his blood returned from its walk-about down south. "Uh... I just wanted be certain I heard you right."

"Let me make it more clear, then," Buffy said, stepping up to him. She put her arms back around his neck and power-snogged him, leaving no room for misinterpretation or misunderstanding. Her kiss was aggressive, claiming, and full of the passion she'd kept bottled up for so long. 

Spike moaned into the kiss, put his arms around her and pulled her tightly against his body. They kissed hungrily, finally unleashing the pent-up lust they had for each other. But Spike still had enough brainpower left to remember how Buffy had seemed to want this the other night, too. And that had ended just about as badly as any romantic encounter _could_ end.

Spike took her by the shoulders and held her back far enough to look deeply into her eyes. He panted, "Buffy, if you feel dodgy or stressed during any part of it... I want you to tell me right away, before..."

"...Before I wig-out?" Buffy supplied with a sad smile.

"Uh... your word, but yeah." Spike gently rubbed her shoulders and said in a softer voice, "I don't want to scare you again, pet... I never want you to feel that way because of me ever again."

Buffy put her hands on Spike's face and kissed him tenderly. "It wasn't you that scared me before, remember? You were doing everything right; it was me that had the problem."

"You're sure you're ready?" Spike asked again. He was afraid she'd change her mind and say no, but he was much more worried she'd say yes and not be telling the truth or overestimating her readiness.

"Yes, I'm really..." she gave him a soft kiss, " _really_ ," she kissed him a little harder, "ready," Buffy finished, kissing him again, lightly biting his bottom lip.

Spike was losing the last vestiges of his restraint. "But... if at _any time_ you start feelin'... like you did the other night, you tell me to stop and I'll stop whatever it is I'm doin' straightaway. All right? If those ghosts from the past start tryin' to raise a ruckus again... You can tell me anything, Buffy. Nothing you say or do will _ever_ make me stop loving you."

Buffy nodded. "I promise I'll tell you if I start feeling panicky. But I can guarantee that's not gonna happen this time." Even if she did start to get scared again, Buffy knew she really could tell Spike what was going on in her head. He'd be understanding and try to help her dispel the fear. Freaking out again wasn't worrying Buffy at all, she only hoped that Spike wasn't too worried about her panicking again and be unable to relax and enjoy himself. 

Buffy took hold of the lapels of his duster and jerked it over his shoulders and down his arms. "I want you _now_ , Spike. Get out of these clothes before I rip them off your hot, tight body," she demanded with a naughty smirk.

"Oh, gettin' rough with me already, eh? Be gentle with me, Slayer. I'm delicate." Spike smiled wolfishly, trusting that Buffy really would tell him if she needed to stop. She certainly looked, acted, and sounded ready. He took his coat off and tossed it behind him. His arms were around Buffy and his lips crashed against hers again in the blink of an eye. 

Buffy giggled a moment before letting out a hungry moan. She'd never wanted or _needed_ a man to make love to her the way she wanted Spike right now.

Spike started kissing and lightly sucking on the side of her neck. 

"I wanted you to be surprised that I was ready -- were you surprised?" Buffy asked unnecessarily as he kissed her neck.

"Mmmmhmm," Spike replied.

"Are you happy?" That was also an unnecessary question, but she just wanted to hear him say he was happy.

Spike made a purring sound, took her ass in his hands, gave her cheeks a few strong gropes, and then pressed their lower bodies together. 

Buffy didn't need a verbal response, she could _feel_ the evidence of his happiness about this unexpected turn of events pressing against her. "Mmmm, oh yeah, you're definitely happy." She moved her hand between their bodies, giving his package a good fondling.

Spike's eyelids fluttered and a moan escaped his throat. "Oh God, Buffy..." Spike had to slow things down a bit and take more control before his dick really did try to burst out of his jeans. 

"Ooh, you're so hard already," Buffy moaned, continuing to fondle him through his jeans. "Should we skip the foreplay?" She really wanted the foreplay -- she'd been looking forward to that for a long time -- but thought Spike might need to get right down to business.

Spike took a few deep breaths and gently moved her hand away from his crotch. He smiled, giving her the flirty, openmouthed smile and slow eye blink which was now reserved only for her. "I've been lookin' forward to the foreplay as much as the main event, pet. I'm not skippin' anything. I'm going to take my time and enjoy every blessed second of being with you." 

Buffy went to the bed and pulled back the top cover to reveal black silk sheets with red rose petals scattered over them. "I hope you don't think rose petals on the bed are too cheesy."

"It's bloody romantic." Spike shook his head and smiled, amazed and touched that Buffy had done all this just for him. "You put a lot of planning into this, pet."

"You planned our dates, so I wanted to plan this and make it perfect. You've done so many beautiful things for me... I wanted to do something special for you, too." Then Buffy started second-guessing herself again -- what if Spike had some big romantic thing planned for the first time they made love? He really seemed to enjoy planning their dates, which meant he probably had something wonderful cooked up for their first time, too. "It's... okay with you that I planned it, isn't it? Oh no, don't tell me you were planning something incredible and I just ruined it..."

Spike smiled broadly and snorted softly. "It's _very_ okay with me that you did this, Buffy. I've been around the block enough times to know it's the _lady_ who decides where and when it happens. I only planned on following your lead. I love everything you put together, I love that you surprised me..." He took her back in his arms and kissed her softly on the lips. His tongue traced a tingling line of sparks over her bottom lip before he pulled back and a thrill ran down Buffy’s spine. "And because you did all this, I love you even more than I did before I climbed in... rather, _fell in through_ the window."

They chuckled and kissed lightly.

But then Buffy needed to get back to what they'd been doing a minute ago. "You talk too much, you know that?" she joked, pulling Spike's t-shirt out of the waistband of his jeans. 

Spike pulled his shirt off over his head, then let it fall to the floor behind him. Buffy put her hands on his chest, needing to touch his sculpture-perfect body. She'd touched him the other night, but it had all happened so fast... she didn't get to take her time and explore his body the way she wanted. Well, they had all night this time. Buffy leaned in and placed light, lingering kisses on his chest while her hands wandered over his alabaster skin.

Although his body was as smooth and sculpted as a marble statue of a Greek god, his skin was soft and silky under her palms, in direct opposition to the hard muscles it covered. His pecs were firm and inviting and simply begged to be touched. She kissed a line of fire over them, brushing soft, ghost-like lips over his dark nipples, causing them to harden under her touch. She felt his skin quiver beneath her lips and hands and her body responded in kind, trembling with anticipation.

"I love touching you," Buffy murmured against his skin. Her hands tickled gently down his chest to his tight abs. She marveled at the hard six-pack he had, and couldn't stop her fingers from ghosting over the hills and valleys of his washboard abs. Her left hand stroked back up while her right hand moved lower. She rubbed her hand over the bulge in his jeans, then cupped it and gave it a few small squeezes. He was a lot harder than she'd expected him to be this early on; it was like he had a steel pipe in his pants. A shiver ran down her spine as she thought of his body against hers -- of that cock inside her.

Spike closed his eyes and moaned as Buffy caressed him with her hands and lips. He was on the verge of losing control again. He began to chant internally, _'I will not jizz in my pants -- I will not jizz in my pants'._

"You have such a beautiful body..." Buffy dragged her left hand down his chest to join the other at the front of his jeans, then she began unbuckling his belt. 

Spike put his hands over hers, stilling her movements. Buffy looked up at him questioningly. She was worried he wanted to stop for some crazy reason, but the smile on his face and the lustiness shining in the depths of his azure eyes told her all was well. She really had to stop assuming everything he did or said meant he'd changed his mind about wanting her.

"Would you mind if I wanted to do something to you first, pet?" Spike asked silkily.

"Well... I guess that'd be fair since you've been waiting longer than I have," Buffy said, her heartbeat getting faster. "Are you ready to," she easily recalled words Spike had spoken to her at the end of their first date, "work my body into fits of ecstasy and passion and total, screaming abandon?"

Spike smirked. "You remember that, eh?"

"How could I forget? It was the hottest thing anyone's ever said to me -- it's possibly the hottest thing any man has said to any woman in the history of the world. Those words have been floating around in my brain since you said them."

"I'm ready to keep that particular promise," Spike assured her with a slight growl, holding her tighter. "I'm _more_ than ready."

Buffy was going to apologize that, if by bringing that up, she'd put too much pressure on him to perform. She knew Spike had some worries about their first time, too. But before she could say anything, Spike's mouth was covering hers and she forgot what it was she'd wanted to say.

Spike kissed a path to her ear, down the side of her neck, then to her shoulder. He wanted to make this the best night of both their lives. He would make Buffy moan and scream with pleasure all night long, even if it killed him. He'd never shagged (much less 'made love') to a Slayer; Buffy was the first he'd lusted after. Spike wasn't sure what to expect. Would she be rough or gentle? It was a little unnerving, but mostly it just made being with Buffy more exciting.

Spike slipped two fingers under the straps of her nightgown, preparing to pull them down, when he suddenly stopped and raised his head.

"Keep going, don't stop," Buffy breathed.

Spike's eyes darted to the walls separating them from her mom and sister. "We might make... some noise. Aren't you worried about one of them hearing something and coming in to investigate?"

"Do you plan on making a lot of noise?" Buffy asked, smiling slyly and raising an eyebrow.

"I am a bit... loud in bed sometimes... but I'll be as quiet as I can." Spike tried thinking of ways to mute his yells of pleasure. He'd fantasized about this for so long, he knew stopping himself from shouting and moaning loudly was going to be a problem. And he really wanted to hear Buffy scream his name to high heaven as he worked her body into fits of ecstasy... wanted her to feel free and not self-conscious or worried about anything.

Buffy laughed. "I anticipated that we might cause a ruckus. I had some naughty dreams about you where I screamed and yelled happy obscenities, so I came up with a solution." Spike cocked a brow at her. Buffy explained, "The incense doesn't just smell nice, it's part of a sound-proofing spell that Willow prepared for me. Nobody will be able to hear anything we do in here."

Spike laughed, his concerns about Joyce or Dawn walking in on them put to rest. "Clever."

Buffy smiled proudly. "Thank you. Ideally, I would've wanted to get a nice and private hotel room with no chance of any interruptions. But my conscience kept picking at me... I thought, what if Glory or a random monster-of-the-week decided to attack my family while I was away enjoying myself. I'd feel... well, you can imagine how horrible I'd feel. So... I worked out a tryst for us that lets me be home _and_ guarantees us some privacy. The spell only works one way -- they can't hear us, but we'll be able to hear if someone's walking around in the hall."

"The spell will work? You're sure? Red's spells have had a way of gettin' ballsed-up in the past..."

"It'll work. I tested it before you got here by yelling for Dawn and she didn't come to see what was going on."

"What would you 'ave done if Dawn or Joyce came racin' in here, scared outta their wits?" Spike asked, smiling a bit.

"Umm, I was going to say I saw a bug."

He laughed. "Like they'd buy that? You, the _Slayer_ , was scared of a little bug?"

"What? I can’t have phobias? Bugs are gross. Anyway, I would've said it startled me... or that I thought it might be a demon bug or something. The point is that the spell _does_ work." Buffy smiled and kissed the side of his neck, running her hands down his bare chest, and then around to his sculpted back. "I don't want us to hold back. I don't want either of us to feel... _inhibited_ ," she said, taking his butt in her hands and giving it a hard squeeze.

"Now," Buffy said, taking a step backwards, "where were we? About... here, I think?" She toyed with the strap of her nightie seductively.

Spike looked her over, seeming to be searching for something. "You don't have any stakes on you, do ya, luv? It'd put a damper on the romance if I got dusted accidentally."

Buffy laughed and held her arms out to the sides. "Where would I hide one in this?"

"Not sure, pet... but I've seen you produce one outta thin air time and time again. I'd frisk you," he smirked, "but that's not a good way to start off a romantic evening."

"You've got nothing to worry about. For what I have in mind... I need you in _solid_ form... the more solid the better. No stakes on me or near the bed."

Buffy smiled and stepped backwards until her back came up against the wall. "You can still frisk me if you want. I've got nothing to hide." She put her arms out to the sides and spread her legs wide in invitation. The theme to Cops played in the back of her mind for a moment and she grinned slyly. _Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?_ Forget the cops, she couldn’t wait for her bad boy to come for her.

Spike was there with her in an instant, wrapping his arms around her and kissing her passionately. His tongue delved into her, tasting her, teasing her, as his lips devoured hers lustfully. Highlights from one of the dirty dreams she'd had came back to Buffy; she vividly recalled how Dream Spike had gone down on her while she was standing with her back to the wall. In the dream, she'd been violently opposed to Spike doing anything sexual to her... for a few minutes, anyway. Did she dare dream Spike would actually do that to her? Did she dare ask him to? God, she wanted that, but... she just wasn't ready to be _that_ bold. 

Spike moved his mouth to her neck as his hands traveled sensuously over her torso. Her body felt hot and supple under his hands -- almost malleable, as if it were molding to his touch. She was a living contradiction. For as hard and unforgiving as she was when she was fighting, she was equally yielding, giving, and sinuous now. It wasn’t something he’d entirely expected, but something he looked forward to investigating... thoroughly. "I've got what you'd call... an unusual method of frisking, don't be alarmed."

Buffy giggled. "I'm _very_ interested to see how you frisk a suspect. Want me to turn face the wall, officer?"

"Maybe later. I have a hunch I'm close to what it is I'm lookin' for..." Spike admitted in a low, rumbling voice, sliding his hand slowly down her side. "Better get this pretty gown off you so I can perform a _thorough_ examination." 

Spike couldn't wait another second to get Buffy naked. His demon wanted to just rip the nightie off her body, but Spike didn't want to do it that way. For one thing, she'd probably be pissed that he ruined a perfectly good nightgown. But, most of all, Spike wanted to be gentle with Buffy and not take any risk that he might scare her.

Spike put his hands at her elbows, then slid them slowly up her arms to her shoulders. Buffy closed her eyes at the sensation, goose bumps popped up on her skin along the path his hands made. He massaged her shoulders lightly before slipping two fingers under the thin straps of the negligee, then slowly sliding them down her arms and kissing her bare shoulders. Spike didn't let the nightgown slide to the floor, he held onto the straps and lowered it little by little. It was a tantalizing treat to have her skin be slowly revealed.

Buffy moaned quietly as the silky material slid over her sensitive skin. She was getting lost in sensation -- the feel of the cool silk sliding down her body, the feel of Spike's hands, and seeing him looking at her body so hungrily, so reverently... Her inner fires were being fanned; she felt an inferno growing inside her... growing to heights she'd never before imagined possible.

Spike licked his lips when her perky breasts were revealed. Her puffy nipples were erect, begging for his attention. He watched raptly as first her taut stomach, then the swell of her hips came into view. He saw that Buffy was wearing a sexy red and black silk thong under the nightie, hiding her sweet quim from his view. It only served to stoke his desire more as his mouth watered, already anticipating the ambrosia he'd find under the silk. Only a thin layer of material separated Spike from the portal to his Heaven, his paradise.

When the nightgown was lowered past her hips, Spike finally let it slide the rest of the way down her legs to pool on the floor at her feet. It took a lot of self-control to not just jump on Buffy, she was a vision... a goddess. Spike took a step backwards to look at her, to just take her in, devour her with his eyes. He never wanted to forget this, wanted the beauty of her etched on his mind for all eternity... and beyond.

The way Spike was looking at her sent shivers up and down Buffy's spine. Spike was the only man who could make her shiver with desire with just a look. His blue eyes blazed with a mix of raw passion, hunger, and adoration as they slowly roamed over her body. Buffy bit her bottom lip, resisting the urge to move her hands, to cover herself, as her heart thudded almost painfully in her chest. She waited with bated breath... unmoving, as Spike burned her skin with his ardent gaze.

Finally, after what seemed an eternity, Spike looked back up into her eyes and said softly, "You are... the most gorgeous creature I've ever seen."

Buffy was already blushing from being aroused and being self-conscious about Spike gazing at her almost naked body, but she flushed some more at his words. She smiled shyly, about to say something like, 'Oh, you're just saying that.' But Spike's eyes told her that it wasn't just something he was saying to heighten the mood or flatter her. To him, she really was the most beautiful woman in the world.

Buffy didn't have a good response to what he'd said -- in fact, for once, she had no rejoinder at all -- instead she took his hand and pulled him back to her. They kissed intensely, long and deep, as Spike's hands slid across Buffy's newly-bared skin. His hands glided up her sides to surround her breasts, kneading them reverently and lightly tweaking her stiff nipples.

Spike pulled back enough to watch his hands fondling Buffy's breasts. There was a slight tremor in his fingers as he touched her the way he'd only dreamed of for so long. Part of him still couldn't believe this was actually happening. But even if it did turn out to be Dream Buffy he was about to shag, Spike was going to give the performance of his life.

He looked up into her eyes and smiled. "Beautiful," Spike whispered, then looked back down to watch his hands touching her. He loved the way her supple flesh felt in his hands, the way it moved beneath his palms, giving in to his touch, pliant and yielding. Perfection... utter perfection.

Buffy's body responded fervently to Spike's touch. Her juices were flowing, her nipples were erect, every part of her body seemed to be screaming for Spike's attention. Her body was telling her it was more than ready and it would not take kindly to it if she even _thought_ about stopping again. But there would be no stopping tonight, Buffy wanted Spike just as much as he wanted her... and now she knew she loved him just as much as he loved her.

Buffy's need for Spike grew stronger, more urgent with every passing moment. Every touch, every kiss, everything he was doing to her made the fire inside her grow hotter and hotter. Like Spike, Buffy didn't want to rush this, but she was hornier, hungrier, and more ready for sex than she'd ever been before. She was getting an inkling of how tough the waiting for her to catch up to him had to have been for Spike. She let out a relieved breath that things were moving along again when Spike dipped his head and started kissing her chest. 

Buffy sighed languidly and rolled her head on her shoulders, letting her golden tresses cascade down her back, as he licked and kissed her mounds. He nuzzled her breasts then flicked at her nipples with the tip of his tongue, teasing her to the brink of insanity. Buffy let out low moans when Spike sucked on one nipple and then the other. The sucking and light bites on her hardened peaks caused more liquid to bubble from her pussy, soaking her panties. She'd never creamed this much before, and this was without Spike even touching her down there yet. Everything he was doing caused lightning bolts of desire to shoot to all parts of her body, igniting even more fires within her. Her skin felt electrified, prickling with excitement, burning with need. 

What he was doing felt so good that Buffy almost forgot there were additional, even more pleasurable things in the offing. She was reminded of it when Spike moved his left hand down her stomach, causing her muscles to quiver, over to her side, and then down onto her hip. Finally, his hand drifted to the front of her thong, molding the palm of his hand to her panty-covered sex.

Buffy groaned with lust as his fingers began touching and stroking her through the damp, silky fabric. Without yet removing her panties, Spike pressed his middle finger upwards, nestling it between her pussylips, and rubbed slowly back and forth. The heel of his hand was pressed against her clit, making Buffy moan with each slight movement as he sent droplets of bliss racing through her veins, boiling her blood.

Spike was pleasantly surprised (and impossibly more turned on) to feel how wet and responsive Buffy was already, her honeyed juices were soaking through the sheer fabric of her thong. His finger was wet, hot, and fragrant with her musk after only a few moments of touching her. His mouth watered and his cock throbbed madly. He longed to devour her... taste her, take all she was offering him and completely consume her. Spike's lustful groans joined Buffy's as he imagined sliding into her heat, into her burning core. Her body was _definitely _ready... he only hoped her mind was really as ready as she claimed.__

__Spike moved his mouth back up to hers, unable to resist kissing her sweet lips while he rubbed her pussy. "You like that, pet?" he mumbled against her lips._ _

__"Mmmmmhmmm." Actual words weren't possible for Buffy at the moment. Her hips began moving on their on, humping lightly against Spike's hand. She ran a hand up and down his left arm, feeling his muscles move and flex as he fingered her. She loved the feel of his hard muscles beneath his oh-so-soft skin; she would never get tired of the sensation, of feeling his body beneath her palms._ _

__Buffy melted against him. The combination of Spike's warm lips mashing against hers and his fingers stroking her through her panties was turning her brain to tapioca. Buffy was on the verge of cumming when Spike's hand suddenly moved away. She whined and pulled back from the kiss to ask why he'd stopped. She watched as Spike raised his hand to his nose and inhaled deeply._ _

__"I could get off just smellin' you," Spike said in a low, rumbling voice, opening his smoky blue eyes to look into hers. He slipped his middle finger to his mouth, his eyelids fluttering for a second; he let out a delicious moan at the taste of her._ _

__Seeing him do that made Buffy recall that recurring theme in her dreams and fantasies again -- Spike licking her pussy. "I... had some very nice and naughty dreams about you... most of them involved you... ummm... you know... errrr... going down on me.”_ _

__Spike tilted his head, studying her as she chewed her lip, his brave Slayer suddenly self-conscious. “What, pet? Tell me... you can tell me anything, luv.”_ _

__Buffy took a deep breath and let it out slowly as she summoned her courage. “Well, it’s just that... my subconscious seemed kind of obsessed with...” Buffy rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, unable to look at Spike and say the words, “...with you going down on me for some reason." She blushed shyly, it was still hard for her to talk so openly about sex stuff. She waited a moment without looking at him, waiting for a laugh or a snort of disdain. Finally, when none came, she rolled her eyes back down to meet his, a little more emboldened. "I found out you can work magic with your hands," she continued, thinking of how he'd fingered and rubbed her to an awesome orgasm when they'd fooled around that night at the crypt. "I think I’d like to find out what that... bendy tongue of yours can do..."_ _

__Spike licked his lips and smirked, pleased that Buffy was letting him know what she wanted him to do to her. She was still too shy to come right out and ask him to do it, but he got the message. There was nothing (besides shagging her) that he'd rather do right now. "And how does your conscious mind feel about the subject?"_ _

__"They're, um, in agreement for once," Buffy said with a timid smile. She felt kind of funny telling him she wanted oral sex. What if Spike didn't want to do it? Hmm, no... she had no doubt Spike would want to perform that particular act on her. But what if he liked to do things in a certain order? He might want a blowjob or want them to give each other handjobs before he gave her a happy with his mouth... Buffy realized she was doing it again, doubting herself and worrying over nothing. If Spike wanted something special he'd ask her or hint around about it like she'd just done. "Both my conscious and subconscious minds are staunchly _pro_ oral sex."_ _

__"Well, then..." Spike smiled saucily and kept eye contact with her as he slowly sank to his knees, dragging his hands down her sides, over her hips, and down to her knees as he went, "...let's see what we can do about makin' those dreams come true."_ _

__He placed soft kisses on her stomach, stroking his hands over her smooth thighs. Buffy's chest rose and fell sharply in anticipation of finally getting some real-life satisfaction. If she woke up now, and everything that had happened so far tonight was just a dream, she would scream -- and then she'd run to the crypt and fuck Spike's brains out. Wet dreams were nice, but she would not be denied _real_ sex tonight with the man she loved._ _

__Spike ran his hands up and down her legs as he slowly, tenderly kissed her belly, then her hipbones, and then pressed a lingering kiss to her mons. Buffy groaned with desire, her hips twitching at first contact. He gave her mound an openmouthed kiss, his tongue slowly rubbing her through her panties as his fingers had a minute ago._ _

__Spike swooned at the taste of her. He was grateful to be on his knees because he thought his legs would've given out just then if he'd been standing. Buffy's delicious flavor and strong aroma made his head spin and his cock ache. It was divine to lick her juice off his fingers, but being this close to the source was even better. He had to squeeze his eyes shut and stop himself from just ripping the thong from her body and eating her pussy like a starved animal._ _

__Buffy trembled, wishing he'd go faster and wanting him to go as slowly as possible at the same time. "Mmmm, Spike, don't stop," she moaned, widening her stance slightly._ _

__Spike shook his head to clear out the cobwebs, then refocused on his task. He needed to get those panties off of her and dine on her sweet pussy. "I've wanted to do this for so bloody long..." Spike murmured as he hooked his fingers into the sides of her panties and slowly brought them down until Buffy could just step out of them._ _

__He was finally seeing what he'd only dreamed of seeing: Buffy's pretty quim. A perfect V of trimmed, dark-blonde pubic hair covered her mound. So beautiful, like a work of art. He wanted to take a picture of it, but didn't think Buffy would take kindly to that kind of photography just yet in their relationship._ _

__Spike looked up to meet her emerald eyes and smiled. It gave him an extra boost to see Buffy was enjoying what he was doing to her and how much she wanted what was to come next. Her eyes were glassy and heavy-lidded, her breathing more labored. "There's not a part of you that isn't absolutely beautiful, pet."_ _

__Buffy smiled and ran a hand affectionately along his cheekbone, up to tangle loosely in his damp curls. "You do my ego a lot of good."_ _

__"You want me to keep going?" Spike asked, just to tease her a bit._ _

__Buffy had to stop herself from yelling, _"YES, dammit!"_ She swallowed hard and nodded enthusiastically. "Uh-huh!"_ _

__Spike gave her a wink before getting back to work. He was astonished that he was able to act like he wasn't more excited and aroused than he'd ever been, that he was able to act like this wasn't the happiest, most eagerly anticipated moment of his entire life._ _

__Buffy thought he'd dive right in, but Spike began by slowly brushing his lips along her inner thigh. He applied soft licks and kisses to each thigh. His cool breath, tongue, and lips were making Buffy even more crazed with desire. She didn't have the brainpower to ponder how he could "breathe" on her. It felt good, she didn't need to know why or how it was possible._ _

__Spike could see how aroused Buffy was, her outer lips were plump and glistening, ready and waiting for his kiss. "Mmmm, so wet for me, luv," he moaned, then placed another kiss just above her clit._ _

__"I th-thought about you, about this, before you got here. Guess I got myself a little worked up in anticipation..." Just as she was wondering if she'd have to beg him to lick her -- 'cos she was just desperate enough to start begging -- Spike's tongue swept over her cleft._ _

__The moment his lips and tongue touched her pussy, Buffy let out a little gasp of surprise and pleasure; a mini-orgasm rippled through her body. Buffy closed her eyes as the pleasure washed through her, and tilted her head back with a raspy moan. "Ohhh, yessssss..." She used one hand to support herself against the wall, her knees suddenly weak, while her right hand fisted in Spike's silky hair._ _

__Spike could tell she'd just cum a little, both from the way she trembled and by the additional moisture that rushed out to meet his tongue. He only paused for a moment before resuming the long, slow licks on her sex. It was emboldening to know Buffy had been so horny waiting for him to arrive that it didn't take much at all to get her off._ _

__"Wow... guess I was more than just _a little_ worked up," Buffy joked nervously as her trembling eased._ _

__Spike smiled up at her, licking his lips. "I'm just gettin' started. And I'll keep goin' until you tell me you need a break... or I get a cramp in my tongue, whichever comes first."_ _

__Buffy giggled and ruffled his hair, giddy at the thought of having more than one orgasm during the oral portion of the evening. Her other lovers hadn't been that generous. "You're such a giver."_ _

__"I could pack a lunch and stay here all bloody day," he said, waggling his eyebrows. Then he went back to work._ _

__Spike resisted the urge to go at her full-throttle and bury his tongue deep within her delicious, sweltering pussy. Instead, he started off with soft, light licks, giving her time to enjoy the tingles from her mini-orgasm while he worked on building the next, bigger and better one._ _

__He got the signal that Buffy wanted more when she began unconsciously pushing herself harder against his mouth. Spike carefully raised her left leg off the floor a bit, Buffy knew what he wanted and was more than happy to accommodate his silent request. She draped her leg over his shoulder to give him better access._ _

__The tip of Spike's tongue dipped between her folds, eliciting moans from both the Slayer and vampire. He purred with pleasure as he lapped up her sweet juices... ambrosia, nectar of the gods. Now that she was opened up to him, Spike couldn't resist burrowing his tongue in her juicy hole. Buffy's exquisite flavor and the feel of her delicate, soft inner-flesh made Spike feel like it was the first time he'd ever tasted a woman. It all felt so new, so exhilarating._ _

__Pulling out to flick his tongue across and around her clit, Spike moaned, "God, you taste so bloody delicious, Buffy! Incredible..."_ _

__He sped up his pace, though not going as wild as he wanted to go. Spike slathered his tongue over every inch of her pussy he could reach in their current position, sucked on her puffy lips, teased her clit with the tip of his tongue, then started over again, slowly building her up to another exquisite climax._ _

__Buffy writhed and moaned against the wall as Spike masterfully devoured her. It felt even better than she'd imagined it would. She thought, _'So *this* is how it's supposed to feel!_ She'd had her pussy licked before, but never like this... so passionately, so masterfully, so _thoroughly_._ _

__Spike became more impassioned at the steady trickle of moisture flowing from Buffy's quim. She wanted him, she wanted this just as badly as he did. Her juices covered his tongue and he lapped and sucked against her greedily. Spike had never tasted anything as decadent as the sweet nectar that flowed from his beautiful Slayer's chalice. He'd dreamt of this moment so many times, but his imagination never touched the reality of her... this was beyond his wildest fantasies._ _

__Spike gripped her thigh and, with a lusty growl, drove his tongue in and out of her hole, fucking her with it, drawing out more of her delicious nectar and swallowing it down voraciously._ _

__Buffy's eyes opened wide as she came with an intensity she'd never experienced before. "Ohhhh! Oh God! Unnghh! Yesss!" she wailed, tossing her head back and clutching at Spike's shoulders._ _

__Spike slowed down again, giving Buffy time to enjoy all the sensations coursing through her body. He licked and softly sucked on her trembling pussy while she shuddered and bucked between his mouth and the wall._ _

__It took a solid minute before the euphoria began to dissipate, a record for the Slayer. Buffy gasped for breath as she began to come back down to Earth. Her legs were shaky, she felt weak and had to hold onto Spike's shoulders to avoid sinking to the floor._ _

__"Holy shit," Buffy panted. "You are _really_ good at this!"_ _

__"Need to sit down, pet?" Spike asked proudly, holding onto her hips._ _

__"Yeah... I feel like I have the useless, dangly, cloth legs of a ventriloquist dummy."_ _

__Spike laughed heartily as he turned on his knees and guided her butt onto the bed. He put his hands under Buffy's knees and gently pushed up until she laid on her back with her legs up in the air, and then put her parted legs over his shoulders. Spike ran his hands lightly over her calves, turning his head to kiss each and then lick and kiss his way back up to her pussy._ _

__Buffy was pleasantly surprised that Spike was content to keep giving her oral happys; she'd thought her turn was over. "You really _are_ a giver, aren't you?" she asked, giggling dreamily and rubbing the heel of her foot against his shoulder-blade._ _

__Spike smirked and gave her belly a soft kiss. "Still haven't had my fill of you yet, luv. Told ya, I could do this all bloody day."_ _

__He shifted from being cocky to sincere, wanting Buffy to know just how much he was enjoying being with her like this and how much it meant to him. Spike gently stroked her thighs as he looked into her eyes. "Nothing I've dreamed of or imagined before compares to this... I was going mad with wanting you when I couldn't have you... I think I really would've gone 'round the bend if I knew exactly what I was missing," he finished, placing a soft, lingering kiss on her inner thigh._ _

__Buffy smiled, let out a happy sigh, and ran her hand through his unruly hair. "I haven't even done anything to you yet."_ _

__"Oh, yes you have. You could tell me you want to end our night together right now and I'd still be the happiest man on the planet."_ _

__Joyful tears brimmed in Buffy's eyes. This was an odd time for such a sweet, sincere moment between them (what with her legs draped over Spike's shoulders and his face hovering over her pussy), but her heart expanded with love for her former enemy. She hadn't even done anything to Spike yet, except kissing and a little groping of his fabulous bod, but he already looked happier than she'd ever seen him. As strange as it was in hindsight, Spike really was the perfect man for her. It was only a shame it had taken her so long to realize it. "I love you, Spike."_ _

__That adorable, boyish grin lit up his face. "Love you too, pet..." He sniffed, then smirked, switching gears and going back to being naughty. "Now... where was I?" he said, lowering his head to feast on Buffy's juices once again. "Right about..." the last word was muffled as his mouth covered her slit, "... _here_."_ _

__Buffy felt limp and trembly, but not so limp and trembly that she'd turn down another orgasm courtesy of Spike's amazing mouth. Normally women were lucky if a guy gave their pussy one coat of saliva before moving onto the next act; gals usually didn't have to wonder if they'd need a crowbar to pry their lover's mouth _away_ from their naughty bits. But, of course, Spike wasn't like other guys in many, many ways... thank goodness!_ _

__Spike used feather-light licks and sucks, figuring she'd be a bit sensitive after cumming twice. He was already completely addicted to his Slayer, just as he knew he would be. Her taste, her scent, the beautiful way she moaned, and the immense pleasure it gave him to hear and be the cause of those moans... he would never be able to get enough of her._ _

__Spike's hands stroked over her thighs, hips, and sides, then moved up to her breasts. He gently kneaded her mounds as he softly lapped at Buffy's moist slit._ _

__"Ohhh, Spike, so good," Buffy moaned, closing her eyes and running her hands slowly up and down Spike's strong arms._ _

__He dragged his left hand back down her supple body to join his mouth at her sopping pussy. Unlike their previous position, with Buffy standing against the wall, this position was much better in Spike's opinion. Buffy's legs were wide open, allowing him complete access to her womanhood._ _

__Spike had a thought he wasn't planning on saying out loud, but he needed to tell Buffy the good, sweet, romantic, or naughty things that occurred to him to help her lose those insecurities that still might be nagging at her._ _

__He smiled at her, giving her clit a quick flick of his tongue. "I thought your quim was pretty before, but it's even more beautiful than I imagined now that I've seen all of it," he said, lovingly and lightly tracing the contours of her pussy with his fingers. "You'll let me take a picture of it someday, yeah? When we get into the 'boudoir photography' stage of our relationship?"_ _

__Buffy giggled. She didn't think vaginas were pretty or attractive, but clearly, Spike did. "I don't know if I like the idea of having pictures of my private parts out there... What if I want to run for president someday? The 'family values' crowd would crucify me."_ _

__Spike chuckled. "Any and all snaps of a _sensitive nature_ would be for my eyes only, pet. Promise. Your potential future career in politics won't be undermined. If you think I’m sharing your beautiful body with _anyone_ , you’re off your gourd."_ _

__Buffy shot him an amused, kittenish smile and nudged his shoulder with her toes. "I'll think it over."_ _

__Spike got two of his fingers nice and wet with her juices, then slowly slid them up her hole, fucking her slowly with them as he continued pleasuring her with his mouth. He hummed happily against her labia at the tightness and heat his probing fingers encountered._ _

__Buffy dug her heels into Spike's back, pulling him tighter against her. "Mmmmm, ohhh yes," she whimpered. Spike seemed to know instinctively what Buffy wanted, where and how she needed to be touched and licked._ _

__Buffy moaned loudly when Spike's lips wrapped around her clit and he started softly sucking on it. "Ohh, Spike--Ohhh!" She humped gently, but insistently, at his mouth, trying to increase the intensity and the pleasure. The pressure in her loins intensified for the third time tonight, she couldn't believe she was going to cum again, and so soon after the last time._ _

__Buffy tossed her head from side to side, then arched her back and let out a happy cry when the new orgasm swept through her body; an intense feeling of joy and warmth flowed through her. Tingling waves of goose-flesh prickled her skin, heating her, cooling her, sending her spiraling out of control. Her pussy spasmed powerfully, clenching at Spike's fingers and her hips bucked at his face as she flew apart beneath his touch, unraveling like a delicate thread._ _

__Spike removed his fingers from her snatch and moved his mouth back down to her hole, once again greedily licking up and swallowing her sweet dew. Feeling her contract around his fingers was fantastic, but having her cum on his mouth was sublime. He held onto her trembling thighs, letting her fuck herself on his long, lithe tongue as he feasted on her sweet cream._ _

__He glanced up at her face, thinking he'd never seen a lovelier sight than this -- Buffy's eyes closed in bliss, her mouth agape as she pulled in large gulps of air, her bare chest rising and falling quickly with her breaths, her skin shining with perspiration. There was truly nothing more beautiful than a woman in the throes of ecstasy, but Buffy was singular... a goddess... _his_ goddess. His goddess to worship until the last star faded from the sky. He could barely believe it, but the nectar coating his lips and tongue told him it was true, this was real. She loved him._ _

__He moaned at the taste of her, and at the amount of juice coming out of her. _He'd_ done this to her; _he_ made her cum this hard. Spike growled with unbridled lust and plunged his tongue deeper into Buffy's quivering hole. He gripped her ass cheeks in his hands, driving his tongue into her as deep and hard as he could manage. Her cries of pleasure spurred him on, as he thrust and curled his tongue into her hot channel, delving into her supple, clutching depths._ _

__Buffy gasped and froze for a second at the feel of Spike's strong, agile tongue thrusting and wriggling inside of her. Her body shook anew and she cried out. "S-Spike! Ahhh--Ohh--Ohhh f-fuck!" She bucked and trembled beneath him, clutching the bed sheets in her hands, amazed (but ecstatic!) that she was having another orgasm on top of the last one which hadn't quite finished yet. She'd never experienced this kind of ecstasy before; never plunged off a higher cliff or soared so blissfully through the heavens._ _

__Lost in the rapture he was pouring over her, she clamped her thighs against the sides of Spike's head as she came hard, her body no longer fully in her control._ _

__Spike wondered if she was going to crush his head between her thighs... but that would be among the top ways he'd choose to die. Even while worrying about possibly having his skull crushed, Spike continued fucking her with his tongue as her hips bounced and her body shook, and rasping whimpers and cries fell from her lips._ _

__"Ohhh... Ohhh God," Buffy moaned weakly when the tremors finally began to subside._ _

__"Don't think I'll ever be able to get enough of you, pet," Spike purred, nuzzling her pussylips. "So delicious, you are. You might 'ave to stop by the crypt at least once a day so I can make a meal of you." Spike gave her slit a soft lick, and smiled at the very satisfied Slayer. "Am I doin' alright so far, luv?"_ _

__"Ohh yeah... Holy shit..." Buffy panted, then giggled, moving her heels lightly up and down his back. "Wow, you are _goooood_! I... I think I had multiples -- I thought those were just a myth!" She'd already had more orgasms with Spike during the 'appetizer' than she'd had for an entire meal with Riley. Poor Riley... he just couldn't measure up to Spike _in any way_. It really, truly was for the best that Riley had left her; neither of them would've ever been happy or satisfied._ _

__Spike beamed with pride as he licked up the Buffy-juice surrounding his mouth. "I'm really the first bloke to give you those?"_ _

__The part of him that loved to brag had an impulse to call Angel in L.A. and gloat... but that was one of those bad impulses he had to quash. Buffy most likely wouldn't approve if Spike called Angel to tell him she'd experienced multiples for the first time while he was going down on her._ _

__Buffy nodded adamantly, her nerve endings still tingling in a wonderful, wonderful way. "Oh, I would've remembered if that happened before." She giggled then sighed happily, sinking into the mattress._ _

__"Need a break?" Spike asked, thinking her naughty bits might be a little over-sensitive at the moment._ _

__"Uh-huh." Buffy nodded, still trying to get her breath back._ _

__Spike gave her abdomen a kiss, then leaned back, gently taking her legs from his shoulders._ _

__Buffy let out a deep, satisfied sigh, then said, “Mmmmmmmmmmmmm... That was wonderful, Spike. Made me so drowsy, though... I think I'll try to get some sleep now."_ _

__Spike's face went blank. He stared, unblinking, at Buffy as she crawled into her sleeping position, putting her head on a pillow and closing her eyes. His mind raced, _'What!? She's goin' to sleep?! Bloody hell!'_ He wasn't angry, it was just a severe case of sexual frustration. How could the Slayer have such low stamina?! Maybe he shouldn't have given her quite so many happys during the pre-game..._ _

__Spike had been so enamored with and wrapped up in the act of feasting on Buffy's tasty quim that his own desperate needs had been pushed to the back of his mind. But now that his job was done, and Buffy was worn out already, his urgent needs were screaming to be fulfilled._ _

__Buffy let out a loud yawn. "Goodnight, Spike. Come to bed for some snuggling when you're ready."_ _

__He stayed on his knees on the floor just staring at her, still shocked at the sudden ending of their evening and wondering what he was going to do about his raging hard-on._ _

__Buffy made some loud, fake snoring noises, then opened one eye and smiled at him. She giggled, "Just kidding! Get that 'kicked puppy' look off your face. Sleep is the _last_ thing on my mind. I just thought I'd take the piss outta you -- to use one of your favorite phrases. Did I use it right?" _ _

__Spike gave her an intense look, his blue eyes darkening nearly to indigo, he growled lightly, but playfully. "You really are a devil woman... You're a beautiful devil woman, but still rotten to the core. I'm gonna get you for that."_ _

__"Aww, don't be that way, baby." Buffy smirked as she crawled over to the edge of the bed where Spike was still kneeling. She dropped a tender kiss on his lips. "I've got some things I'm itchin' to try with you... I'm not done with you yet."_ _

__Buffy did need a little break from the superb oral sex after that last orgasm. And what better way was there to pass the time than to reciprocate and give Spike some oral love. She only hoped he didn't find her... lacking in the blowjob department; it wasn't something she'd had a lot of practice doing. _'Be like Dream Buffy,'_ she told herself. _'Did Dream Buffy hesitate or feel insecure? Nope, she was bold and fearless, she knew what she wanted and went for it. She sucked Spike's dick with total confidence and made him howl with pleasure. That's how I need to be.'_ _ _

__"Thank God you were just joking," Spike said, letting out a relieved breath. "I was drawin' a complete blank about what I should do... My brain ain't workin' so good at the mo'."_ _

__They kissed softly for a few moments, then Buffy sat back on her heels. She looked up at the ceiling and tapped her chin with an index finger in thought. "Hmm, didn't you say you'd be satisfied just doing stuff to me?" Buffy asked with a teasing smile, stroking her hand over his cheek, then up into his curlier-than-usual hair to wind a platinum lock around her index finger._ _

__"Yeah, and I _did_ get a lotta pleasure from goin' down on you. As I suspected, the real thing puts my imagination to shame... you are so bloody delicious, pet." Spike shivered, taking a moment to get rid of the impulse to just bury his tongue in her hot pussy again. His dick throbbed angrily, reminding him that it wanted to have some fun too. "I plan on tasting you at least one more time before we're done for the night, by the way. But it's a bit more difficult to be just a 'giver' when you've got a stiffy that could punch a hole through concrete."_ _

__Buffy raised her eyebrows, casting her eyes downward toward said stiffy. But she couldn't see the front of his pants because the bed was in the way. Buffy licked her lips and looked back into Spike's eyes. "Stand up. Let me see this critical stiffy situation you have goin' on. I do believe I can help you with that."_ _

__Spike slowly rose to stand on his feet, watching Buffy watching him. He could detect a little nervousness coming from her, but she looked excited and eager to give it her all. _'Don't cum! Don't cum!'_ Spike's mind chanted. He was a bit concerned he'd just hose her down the moment she took his cock out -- that wouldn't do at all._ _

__Buffy scooted closer, hanging her legs off the bed to sit in front of him. The bulge in his jeans was bigger and bulge-ier than it was before. It had to be uncomfortable for Spike to be so hard in those tight jeans... maybe even painful. And she didn't want him to be in pain. _'Unzip him and let that monster cock out!'_ her very naughty mind ordered her._ _

__Buffy felt kinda bad for her little 'I'm going to sleep' joke, Spike obviously needed relief desperately. She glanced up into his eyes as she ran her hands up his outer thighs to his waist, and then began undoing his jeans._ _

__"It, um..." Spike cleared his throat and tried talking again. "I don't think it'll take much for you to get me off."_ _

__"Okay... Would you rather I go slow or fast?"_ _

__"Uh... slow, I think. Still prob'ly won't... take too long though. But don't let that make you believe I can't last for more than a minute -- I can go all night, I'm a bloody marathon man." Spike wanted to get that point across just in case he did disappoint Buffy with a premature... event. "I'm just... especially worked up right now." Spike sighed, trembling a little that one of his fondest wishes was about to come true. He smoothed a hand over her golden, silky hair. "I've been dreaming about this for so bloody long," he murmured, his voice roughened._ _

__A little anxiety crept back into Buffy's mind, her hands fumbled with his belt instead of the eager, but relaxed way she'd been doing it a moment ago. Though she was definitely going to give him the very best blowjob she was capable of giving, she was still nervous she wouldn't be as good as his other lovers, or that she wouldn't do it the way Spike liked it to be done. After the enormous pleasure Spike had just treated her to, she didn't want to let him down (so to speak)._ _

__Spike saw the flash of anxiety in her luminous green eyes. He wanted to kick himself for saying what he'd just said. He knew Buffy was insecure and worried she couldn't live up to all the fantasizing he'd done about her, and he just had to go and remind her about how he'd imagined it many, _many_ times._ _

__"Hey... look at me, pet." Spike put two fingers under her chin and tipped her face up until their eyes met. "What I mean to say is... I've fantasized about you wanting to be with me. I thought it would never happen... that it would always be _just_ a dream. But now you're in love with me... and you're happy to be here with me like this. _That's_ my fantasy, Buffy. You've already made my wildest dreams come true."_ _

__The jolt of nervousness Buffy had felt a moment ago immediately evaporated. In their other conversations about sex she'd never gotten what Spike was really trying to say. Her own jumbled thoughts and fears had been too overwhelming for her to fully understand what he was saying. But Buffy felt that she understood now -- his fantasies might have featured particular sex acts he wanted to do to her or have her do to him, but they were ultimately about Buffy desiring him. What Spike really wanted was for her to love and want him the way he loved and wanted her._ _

__Buffy was touched so deeply now that she understood, happy tears shimmered in her eyes. A cozy, exhilarating warmth blossomed in her chest, radiating out to all parts of her body. The feeling she got was a lot like an orgasm, only without the involuntary jerking of her hips and fluttering eyelids. Many possible responses to Spike's heartfelt words went through her mind. She simply said, "I love you, Spike."_ _

__Spike's smile expanded. He could never tire of hearing her say that to him. "I love you too, Buffy." He bent down and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. They spent a few moments kissing gently, lips barely touching, both feeling their bond and affection for each other growing ever stronger._ _

__Just as Spike was about to ask if she felt like she needed to take a break or stop, her hands went back into motion on his belt. A seductive smile curled up on Buffy's lips as Spike straightened back up. Spike smiled back at her, not only excited about what was about to happen, but also overjoyed to see renewed lust in Buffy's emerald eyes instead of nervousness._ _

__Buffy easily undid the belt buckle and popped the top button. Her hands were still a little trembly, but with sweet anticipation not anxiety. She thought about caressing his hardness through the denim, but immediately thought better of it. It probably wasn't a good idea to stimulate Spike any further since he said it wouldn't take much for him to cum._ _

__Buffy pulled the zipper down carefully. Spike released a shaky sigh as the pressure on his cock lessened. His cockhead was working its way out of the top of his jeans before Buffy had the zipper all the way down._ _

__“Sorry I left you in there so long,” Buffy said to his dick. “Poor little thing, you didn’t have any room to breathe in those tight pants.”_ _

__Spike was having trouble thinking about anything aside from what Buffy was about to do to him, but the word ‘little’ cut through the lust fog filling his brain. “Eh! What d’ya mean by _little_?” he asked good-naturedly, arching an eyebrow. _ _

__“Oh, um..." Buffy giggled and then bit her lip, trying to suppress a smile. "I meant, 'little' only in comparison to... something like an elephant or... a dinosaur.”_ _

__They laughed lightly as Buffy pulled his jeans halfway down his thighs, letting all his naughty bits finally breathe._ _

__Buffy blinked at his impressive erection. 'Little' was definitely not the right word for it. She could swear Spike's dick was even bigger than she remembered it being the other night. Maybe it looked huger because it was right in front of her face. His cock looked fully erect and in critical need of attention._ _

__"Wow... bigger than I remember. Don't kill me or put me in a wheelchair with this thing, okay?" Buffy joked. She surmised (correctly) that Spike would enjoy some complimenting of his anatomy._ _

__"Wouldn't dream of it, luv." Spike thought there might be some actual anxiety about his size behind the joke. "It's... not worryin' you, is it? That it might hurt?"_ _

__"No, not worried. Just... extremely curious about what'll feel like. I trust you to be careful when we start. I've never had one as large as yours, so... be gentle with me, _Big_ Bad," she said, batting her green eyes. Buffy could see every bit of Spike puffing up with pride, even his already long, thick, jutting cock seemed to grow bigger; those words apparently pleased him a great deal. Of course Spike would like that kind of flattery; Buffy made a note of that for future reference._ _

__"We'll take it as slow and gentle as you like, pet," Spike vowed. As he was saying the next word, Buffy wrapped her hand around his girth, and began stroking him gently. "P-promise... Bloody hell," his voice hitched on the first syllable, the rest was said in a throaty moan._ _

__Buffy smirked up at him before focusing her attention back on his meaty cock. Her fingers didn't quite meet around the shaft. She was suddenly fascinated by Spike's staff, looking at it from different angles, giving it little squeezes as she stroked him and watching how it reacted. She used her free hand to touch it delicately, feeling its smooth, velvety texture with her fingertips, and tracing slow circles around the crown._ _

__Spike’s mental chant of ‘Don’t cum!’ was repeated more urgently the moment Buffy’s hand made contact with his dick. Outwardly, Spike breathed in sharply, closed his eyes, and tensed at the feel of her soft, dainty hands on his aching cock. The same hands that were capable of bending steel (and had delivered many potent punches to his face) were now so gentle, so feminine._ _

__Buffy smiled, looking from his dick up to the blissful expression on his face as she stroked slowly up and down. “Damn, you’re hard as a rock. Poor little..." She amended, "I mean, poor _huge_ , _enormous_ thing.” _ _

__Spike kept his eyes closed, laughing a little. “That’s much better. But you could say just about anything you wanted right now, as long as you..." he moaned quietly, "... you keep doin' that."_ _

__Buffy licked her lips as she looked at the tip. It was purplish and angry-looking, and shiny with pre-cum. She observed more seeping from his cumslit while she stroked him. Buffy gently swirled a fingertip on the head, eliciting another low moan from Spike. She wanted, _needed_ to lick up that pearly liquid urgently._ _

__Buffy leaned forward and gave the tip of his ramrod-stiff cock a tender kiss (which caused Spike to tense and breathe in sharply again), then slid her lips around it. Spike moaned raggedly, afraid to open his eyes. If he watched her sucking him off it would be over in an instant. He threaded his fingers in her silky-smooth, golden hair, gently stroking it, trying to concentrate on the feel of her tresses against his skin rather than the feel of her tongue on his cock._ _

__Buffy held his cockhead in her mouth, softly licking and sucking on it as her hand caressed his staff. A glob of pre-cum rushed out onto her probing tongue. It didn't taste exactly the way she'd anticipated. It was a bit salty, that part she'd expected. Buffy didn't know how or why, but Spike tasted of fresh fruit -- like a combination of watermelon, pink grapefruit, and strawberries. He was absolutely delicious! Like a cool, refreshing drink on a hot summer's day. If all guys tasted like Spike, Buffy would have much more experience at giving blowjobs by this point in her life -- and, consequently, a _really_ bad reputation._ _

__She moaned softly at his delightful flavor and the sensations she felt at having him in her mouth. His hard, yet soft flesh throbbed against her tongue, leaking more of that yummy, fruit-flavored pre-cum. She really would have to ask him about that later. But for now Buffy was perfectly content to let his tastiness remain a mystery and just enjoy her treat._ _

__Buffy's moans sent fabulous vibrations up along the length of Spike's cock and down into his balls. Spike hung his head back, praying he wouldn't cum in the next five seconds, and groaned, "Oh God, Buffy."_ _

__A thrill shot up Buffy's spine at hearing Spike's passion-roughened voice calling her name. _'Guess I'm doing good so far!'_ she thought. She glanced up at him and was slightly dismayed that he wasn't looking at her. Buffy wanted to deepen the intimacy of the act by looking into his baby blues while she went down on him._ _

__She drew back until his cock cleared her lips, still slowly stroking him with her hand. "Spike... why aren't you looking at me? You don't like watching me do it?"_ _

__He took a shuddery breath, but kept his eyes closed. "I _would_ enjoy it... way too much, if you get my meanin'. It would be over in a matter of seconds..."_ _

__Buffy snorted softly. "Oh. But... it's really okay with me if you cum fast. You got me off several times already, I want to give you a happy too, ya know?"_ _

__"Alright... but don’t say I didn’t bloody warn ya," Spike acquiesced with a sigh, opening his eyes. Buffy was smiling brightly at him, which made him smile back at her automatically. "You want me to watch, eh?" he asked, softly stroking her hair._ _

__Buffy half-shrugged, but it was obvious that she did want it. "I like watching your eyes... your face. It makes me hot to see how you react to what I'm doing," she admitted, trying to be more forward about what she wanted._ _

__"If it's at all possible, I'll, uh, try to give you some warning before I..."_ _

__Buffy nodded and then wasted no time getting back to the job at hand (no pun intended). Keeping eye contact with Spike, she took the bulbous head back into her mouth, flicking and swirling her tongue all over it. Spike groaned again, his eyes open but heavy-lidded._ _

__Buffy moved her mouth further down his thick cock, bit by bit, rubbing the underside with her tongue on the way down and back up to the head. She began moving faster, bobbing on his dick, not trying to take all of him in (she didn't want to choke), and used her left hand to cup and fondle his balls._ _

__A low growl rumbled in Spike's throat. "God, pet... Ahh yeah!"_ _

__Buffy was pleased that she was pleasing him. And seeing his face while she blew him did make everything so much better and hotter. Spike's face and his eyes were normally so expressive, but they were even more so now. His eyes were a little glazed, but beneath the glaze, burned a passion for her. Buffy held just the head in her mouth and lashed at it with her tongue._ _

__"Ahh God," Spike panted, his eyes crossing for a few moments. "I have a feelin' I'm... gonna test the strength of... that soundproofing spell," he said haltingly, having to pause every couple of seconds._ _

__Buffy laughed, snorting and breathing through her nose. She started moving her mouth up and down his length, freehanded. She ran her hands over Spike's thighs and hips, feeling him tremble under her palms. Spike's hands went from her hair to her shoulders, massaging one moment and gripping them the next. Buffy guessed he was struggling to stay on his feet._ _

__Buffy moved her head back until his cock popped out of her mouth. She giggled at how it bounced in the air, as if it were trying to find its way back into her mouth on its own. "Reminds me of a cobra. I guess that makes me a snake charmer, huh?"_ _

__"Hunh?" Spike looked down at her, confused and breathing heavily._ _

__"You need to sit down?" Buffy asked sympathetically, caressing his thighs. "Your legs feel kinda shaky."_ _

__Spike closed his eyes for a second and nodded. "Yeah... think I'd better. Now I've got the ventriloquist dummy legs."_ _

__Buffy laughed and, with her hands on his hips, guided him to sit on the bed. She knelt down on the floor, taking the same position Spike had earlier. "Let's get these boots and pants off. I wanna see all of your hot bod." She stuck her tongue out the corner of her mouth and winked, then proceeded to pull his boots and socks off. "I don't know why, but it bugs the hell out of me if a guy keeps his socks on during sex."_ _

__Spike laughed and laid down on his back, looking up at the ceiling. He was glad for this short respite; he could last a bit longer now and not embarrass himself. "That's a strange pet peeve. I think it's bloody sexy if a girl keeps her socks or shoes on whilst shagging."_ _

__"Hmm, I'll keep that in mind for another time," Buffy said, wrapping her hand around his rigid dick again._ _

__At the contact, Spike tilted his head back and moaned low in his throat. He was back to being close to cumming again already. He thought he'd bought himself at least a few more minutes, but perhaps not._ _

__Every time Spike moaned, bolts of arousal shot through Buffy's body. She loved the sounds he made. She leaned in, dragging her lips and tongue up and down his length, exploring his solid column and taking mental notes of his reactions. "Mmmm, you taste _soooo_ good, baby," Buffy said huskily, her words slightly muffled with her lips pressed to his hardness. She smiled with satisfaction at his pronounced moan, just the sound she was hoping he'd make._ _

__Buffy took the head back in her mouth, twirling her tongue around it and then poked it into his cumslit._ _

__Spike's body twitched. "Ahhh fuck," he groaned._ _

__Buffy slowly slid her mouth up and down his cock, swallowing up as much of him as she could manage comfortably. Maybe in the future she'd try mastering the art of deep-throating, but she didn't feel up to that tonight. Buffy moved her hands over his body as she bobbed on him, touching and caressing the lean, hard muscles of his chest and abdomen._ _

__"Sorry I'm... not lookin' at you... the whole time," Spike panted. "My eyes keep goin' crossed."_ _

__Buffy snuffled a laugh, but didn't stop to reply. She kept right on sucking his throbbing cock and running her hands over his hard body. She made sure to rub and tease his nipples, Spike had seemed to enjoy that earlier this evening when they'd been making out on her bed._ _

__After only a few minutes of this, Spike was at the point of no return. As promised, he blurted out a warning. "Buffy, uhhhn, gonna cum!" He raised his head to look at her. Buffy's eyes locked with his, her heart racing in her chest, her own sex throbbing again with excitement and desire._ _

__Spike wasn't sure what it was he expected her to do when he announced he was about to shoot his wad, but he didn't think she'd step-up her efforts._ _

__Buffy began moving her mouth up and down his saliva-slick cock feverishly. She jacked the base hard and fast with one hand, and fondled and tugged on his balls with the other. As if that weren't enough to make Spike explode, the look in Buffy's eyes was wanton, hungry. And she was making moaning, growling sounds as her lips slid up and down his throbbing shaft, which again sent delicious vibrations shooting through Spike's naughty bits._ _

__Spike went up on his elbows, not wanting to miss the sight of Buffy taking his load in her mouth. Lips parted and his eyes glassy, Spike panted and watched her watching him._ _

__Buffy was about to take him out of her mouth just to say something really dirty that would get him off for sure when Spike's hips began to jerk. Buffy's lips glided back up his length, holding just the head in her mouth. She could feel Spike's shaft swelling and pulsing, knowing she'd get her treat any moment now. She drooled all over his cockhead in anticipation of tasting his seed. Would it be yummy and fruity like his pre-cum? Buffy couldn't wait to find out._ _

__Spike threw his head back, his body jerked, and his cock jumped in Buffy's mouth. "Ohh fuck! Ahhh God, Buffy!" Spike yelled. The sound-proofing spell was proving invaluable already -- Spike's shouts of pleasure surely would have woken up her mom and sister, not to mention the neighbors._ _

__Buffy was ready for it, but still let out a squeak of surprise when the first powerful spurt hit the back of her throat. His spunk also had that curious, yet delectable fruity taste. Buffy pumped him slowly with her hand while greedily swallowing spurt after spurt of his thick, creamy cum, sucking and gulping it down as quickly as she could. She'd lost eye contact with him due to the fact that he'd thrown his head back when he'd started to cum, but that was okay. His yells of pleasure, his big, pulsing cock firing off round after round into her mouth, and the way his body shook gave Buffy immense satisfaction and pride that, despite her nervousness, she'd apparently given him a damn fine blowjob._ _

__After a minute, Spike's groans and shaking began to diminish. Buffy had just been starting to wonder if she could swallow it all -- it felt like he'd shot a gallon of jizz down her throat. Despite her best efforts, some had escaped from the corner of her mouth. She felt it drip down her chin and then onto her chest; she at once hated the fact that she’d lost any of the tasty-goodness and was turned on by the feel of the cool, slickness sliding down her heated skin._ _

__As his fountain dried up, Buffy sealed her lips around the head and gave it a hard suck, pulling one last glob from his cock. She wanted every last drop of that sweet cream she could get!_ _

__Spike was making happy moaning sounds, smiling deliriously and breathing hard. Buffy poked him in the abs to get his attention. He lifted his head to look at her, his lids still heavy, his eyes a bit glazed. Buffy had the last bit of cum on her tongue, sticking it out for Spike to see, and then retracting it and swallowing hard._ _

__Spike's eyes widened momentarily before slitting with renewed desire, a low, rumbling sound came from deep in his chest. "Bloody hell..." Spike said in a low growl. "You are so fucking hot, Summers."_ _

__Buffy gave his softening cock a little kiss, then crawled up onto the bed with him. Spike sat up and took Buffy into his arms as she straddled his lap. They kissed softly, Spike's hands roamed slowly over Buffy's back, and Buffy cupped his face in her palms._ _

__Spike noticed the wetness on Buffy's chest and pulled back enough to see the bit of cum that had dripped onto her breasts. He looked back up at her with a devilish, sexy smile. “You missed a few drops.”_ _

__“Darn.” Buffy looked down at her chest and pouted. “I wanted to get it all.”_ _

__Spike ran two fingers up the wet line, scooping up the traces of spunk, then raised his fingers to her lips._ _

__Buffy's tongue darted out to dab at his fingers. She twirled her tongue around his fingers before sucking them into her mouth. Their eyes smoldered with passion and love for each other as Buffy caressed his digits with her tongue, slowly sucking and licking every bit of that slick nectar from them._ _

__Spike withdrew his fingers from her mouth and crushed his lips to hers in an intense, feverish kiss. Their tongues plumbed the other's mouth, twining sensuously together. They maneuvered themselves on the bed as they kissed, laying properly with their heads by the pillows. But lying side-by-side wasn't enough for Spike, he needed to feel Buffy's warm body pressed against him. He rolled on top of her, covering her body with his. Buffy put her arms around him, smiling as she moved her hands over Spike's back and shoulders. He dipped his head to kiss her neck, and then moved downwards to her chest._ _

__Buffy sighed happily. "I was so worried about going down on you -- but once I got going I felt great. I was amazing!" Then she bit her lip and looked down at Spike who was circling her areola with his tongue. "Oh, well I guess _you_ should be the one to say if I was good or not... I wouldn't want to put words in your mouth."_ _

__Spike looked up at her, flicking at her nipple with the tip of his tongue. "Pet, you can put _whatever you want_ in my mouth."_ _

__Buffy giggled as Spike moved back up to plant a hard kiss on her lips. Then he pulled back to look at her. "You _are_ amazing, Buffy. What you did to me... God, it was so bloody perfect.” He paused, lovingly brushing aside a strand of hair from her cheek. “Absolute best I have _ever_ had."_ _

__Buffy smiled and ran her hand along the side of his face. "I wanted it to be good for you." There was a tiny, negative voice in her head telling her Spike was only saying that to make her happy. But Buffy didn't believe the voice this time. She could tell Spike meant every word by the way he was looking at her. His ocean-blue eyes were filled with adoration for her; he was practically glowing._ _

__"Buffy, it was better than good... So bloody much better than _just_ good.” He lowered himself to her, needing to kiss her. _ _

__Buffy moaned into the searing kiss, sparks of desire ignited throughout her body. No one could kiss like Spike... so seductive, so intense, so passionate; his love and passion for her were virtually tangible things. Buffy hoped her kiss conveyed just how much she loved him too._ _

__Spike pushed aside the recurring thought that he must be dreaming. He knew this was really happening simply because his imagination wasn't this good. He'd had plenty of dreams of making love to Buffy, but, though he'd tried (Lord knows he'd tried!), he couldn't possibly have imagined what it would feel like for Buffy to make love _with_ him. _ _

__Spike trailed a line of kisses back down to her chest. Buffy moaned in approval as he bathed one breast, and then the other, with his tongue._ _

__"I'm completely, hopelessly addicted to you already," Spike murmured before softly sucking on her nipple. “I'll never be able to get enough of you, Buffy.”_ _

__“I... I liked the way you...” Buffy took a breath, determined to be more direct and share-y in bed with Spike. “I liked hearing you yell my name.”_ _

__Spike smiled up at her. “Did you now?”_ _

__“Uh-huh.” Buffy nodded. "Am I a genius for thinking of the soundproofing spell or what?" she joked._ _

__Spike chuckled. "That you are. I didn't plan on yellin' like that... I was tryin' not to be too loud, even with the spell."_ _

__"I liked that you were loud. I don't want you to hold back if you just have to scream my name in a fit of passion. Makes me feel all... womanly," Buffy said with a wink, moving a hand down her stomach._ _

__Spike smirked, getting that she was paraphrasing what he'd said to her right before they'd fought for the first time. It was good that she was thinking about their not-so-pleasant past and joking about it; she didn't seem angry or bitter about their early encounters._ _

__“I know how to make you feel even more _womanly_ , baby,” Spike purred, moving back up to capture her lips in another fiery kiss._ _

__"You taste like fruit... Did you know that?" Buffy mumbled against his mouth._ _

__Spike paused and pulled back a bit to look at her with an arched eyebrow. "Eh?"_ _

__She giggled. "Your... stuff tastes like fruit."_ _

__He smirked. "Stuff? Say the word."_ _

__Buffy bit her lip coquettishly and shook her head, her boldness waning. “Spiiike,” she whined “You know what I mean! Your... _stuff_.”_ _

__“You can swallow it, but you can’t say it?” Spike questioned, quirking a brow at her._ _

__Buffy sighed and rolled her eyes up at the ceiling. She just wasn’t used to saying this stuff out loud. Clearly she had a ways to go with her sexy bedroom-talk. She sighed again and looked back down at him. “It’s... kinda dirty, not something that’s bandied around in casual conversation. It’s bandy-free,” Buffy excused._ _

__“I’ve heard ya say worse,” Spike pointed out, still looking at her expectantly. "And ya know I _like it_ when you talk dirty, pet. Say it... or I'll tickle you into submission," he teased, moving a hand down her side._ _

__"No tickling! Okay... your _cum_ tastes like fruit. There, I said that bad, bad word.” Buffy smirked, thinking she liked how saying naughty things to Spike made her feel. She felt bolder, more sure of herself, more confident. “Happy now?"_ _

__"Mmmhmm, ecstatic," Spike replied impishly._ _

__"You want to tell me how or why you taste like fruit?" Buffy asked with amusement._ _

__Spike shrugged. "Dunno, I s'pose it's 'cos I'm just so bleedin' sweet. I'm nature's candy."_ _

__She giggled again. "Mmhmm, that must be it." Buffy pushed Spike onto his back and draped a leg across both of his. "You really do taste extremely yummy. I was pleasantly surprised. I wouldn't mind doing that over," she bent her head to place soft kisses on his chest, "and over again."_ _

__Spike shivered and closed his eyes in pleasure. Buffy's hot, naked body pressed against his... the scent of her arousal... her sweet lips on his skin... hearing her say she loved and craved him... He knew this wasn't a dream, but it sure as hell felt like one._ _

__"You taste like fruit, so... do I taste like anything interesting?" Buffy wondered._ _

__Spike didn't know how his brain could possibly be working at anything other than a primitive, caveman level, but a line of verse occurred to him which described Buffy's flavor perfectly._ _

__He suddenly rolled them over again, making Buffy squeak in surprise. Spike held himself above her, gazing intensely down into her bright green eyes. He recited with a deep, slightly rough tone, "When you came... you were like red wine and honey... and the taste of you burnt my mouth with its sweetness."_ _

__Buffy's heart fluttered, she swooned just a little bit more as she stared into his stormy baby blues. "Wow... good answer," she said breathlessly. Then Buffy put her hands on the sides of his face and brought him down to her, kissing him with renewed vigor._ _

__Spike smiled against her lips, pleased at how his little sex kitten really got off on poetry. He silently vowed to have a few more romantic verses handy for the next time they got together._ _

__“I need you, Spike,” Buffy moaned, moving her hands over his shoulders. “...As soon as you're ready, I mean. I know you'll need a little time...”_ _

__Spike took her right hand and moved it between their bodies. Buffy's hand came up against his once-again hard cock._ _

__Buffy raised her eyebrows and smiled, wrapping her hand around his shaft. “Ooh, nice,” she purred, slowly stroking him back to being fully erect. “You only needed, like... a minute to recover? Is that some kind of record?”_ _

__“Always hard for you, pet,” Spike replied softly, then gave the side of her neck a little, teasing bite._ _

__Buffy drew in a sharp breath, then released it as a raspy moan. Her excitement had intensified at feeling his teeth on her throat. She knew Spike couldn't do more than give her playful bites because of the chip, but it was increasing her arousal, nonetheless. Buffy would have shared that info with Spike but... she was both confused and alarmed by the fact that she was turned on by the thought of him biting her. What did it mean? Was it the thought of _Spike_ biting her that excited her, or was it just biting? It was Spike, she decided; it was definitely the thought of _Spike_ doing the biting. Buffy recalled getting hot when he bit her at the mansion..._ _

__Spike took his cock in hand, rubbing the tip up and down her slit, coating himself in her juices and teasing her over-heated flesh. Spike softly kissed Buffy's lips and began thrusting slowly, back and forth against her. Her pussylips molded themselves around his shaft, engulfing him in her heat and sending shards of bliss racing through his veins._ _

__Before Buffy could get too freaked out about her possible 'biting fetish', the new, highly pleasant (and not confusing or upsetting in the least) sensations pushed away the troubling thoughts._ _

__A breathy moan escaped Buffy's lips, electric tingles shot through her body with every gentle push of Spike's hips. The ridge of his cock brushed over her dripping entrance, almost penetrating her, with every slow pass. It was driving her mad! Buffy bit at his earlobe, then whispered huskily, “I need you inside me, Spike!”_ _

__Spike had been waiting for the go-ahead from Buffy. Although she'd proved much more ready than she'd been the other night, he wanted to give her a chance to tell him to stop if she really wasn't ready for the main event._ _

__Spike nipped lightly at her lips, then pulled back enough to look at her. “No doubts?” he asked, his azure eyes searching her face for the slightest sign of indecision._ _

__Buffy smiled softly. She raised her head from the pillow, meeting Spike's lips for a sweet kiss. “No doubts.” She gave his bottom lip a little bite, then let her head sink back down to the pillow._ _

__Spike grinned, then dropped down on top of her, covering Buffy's mouth with his. He poised his cock at her opening and moaned at feeling it flutter against him. In his mind, he could hear his demon chanting, 'Fuck her! Fuck her!' But he didn't follow anyone's orders, even his demon's. As he'd promised Buffy, Spike would be gentle, go slow and easy until she demanded more._ _

__They gazed at each other through half-lidded eyes as Spike pressed forward. Buffy's breath hitched when Spike's cockhead pushed inside of her. She moaned and dragged her hands down his back to give his ass a squeeze._ _

__“Ohh yes, Spike... Want you... Want all of you,” Buffy breathed, bringing her knees up alongside his hips, telling him in no uncertain terms that she wanted this._ _

__Spike thought it was a good thing he'd cum once already, or he might've shot his load just then. Buffy saying those words, and the feel of her red-hot, yielding flesh enveloping him was nearly enough to short-circuit his brain._ _

__“God... you feel like heaven, Buffy,” Spike murmured, kissing the side of her mouth. “Love you so much...”_ _

__Buffy turned her head to latch onto his lips._ _

__His thrusts were slow and shallow, feeding her more of his length bit by bit. Even when he didn't intentionally thrust harder, Buffy's inner-muscles drew him in deeper. They kissed softly, moaning quietly into each other's mouth as Spike sank further and further into Buffy's sweltering depths._ _

__“Oooh! Ohh God!” Buffy shuddered with a mini-orgasm at the halfway mark, Spike’s thickness stretching and filling her deliciously._ _

__Spike had to halt his progress until her pussy muscles stopped gripping his dick. He buried his face in her hair, breathing hard._ _

__“Wow... that one... snuck up on me,” Buffy panted, moving her hands up to Spike's shoulders._ _

__Spike raised his head and smiled at her, then brushed his lips over hers. “They can be sneaky buggers.”_ _

__Buffy giggled and nodded. She hooked her ankles together under Spike's ass, urging him to continue. After cumming again, her pussy was more slippery and stretched sufficiency to accommodate him. The rest of Spike's length plunged inside of her with one, strong flex of Buffy's leg muscles._ _

__Their breaths came in ragged gasps when their pelvises slapped together. It took Spike a few moments to gather his wits. “Thought you wanted to go s-slow?” he moaned._ _

__“I did... Then I wanted to go faster,” Buffy replied with difficulty, her brain was still a bit mushy._ _

__Spike kissed her lips gently. “You can 'ave it however you like it, pet. I'm your willin' slave.”_ _

__“Uh-uh.” Buffy leaned up, pressing her lips hard against his for a few seconds. “No master or slave. It's not about me -- it's about _us_.”_ _

__Spike closed his eyes and moaned as he began a series of slow, deep thrusts. He could feel his cock bottoming out when he was balls-deep in Buffy's pussy; they were a perfect fit. “Fit me like a glove, you do. Like you were made for me...”_ _

__“Ohh yes... made for each other,” Buffy agreed in a moan of her own. Her vaginal walls hugged the contours of Spike's thick column like his sword was custom-made for her sheath. She'd never felt so full, so loved, or complete, in all her life. The Slayer's perfect sexual partner was a vampire... The Powers That Be had a _really_ strange sense of humor._ _

__Buffy's hands roamed over Spike's back as he slowly fucked her; she'd never get tired of touching him, of feeling his hard muscles working only for her pleasure. “God... ohhh yes... Feels so good, Spike,” she whispered huskily._ _

__Spike changed his rhythm -- thrusting all the way in to the root, then withdrawing only a few inches before thrusting all the way back in. Buffy thought it was sort of an odd rhythm, not like anything she’d experienced before, but it felt good so she just went with it._ _

__After about thirty seconds, Buffy's eyes widened as a new, intense wave of pleasure rippled out from her core to every cell in her body. She got an extra jolt of pleasure each time he thrust in. "Ohhh, holy shit," she panted. “God, Spike! Whatever you're doing feels... Ohh God!”_ _

__Spike smiled down on her flushed face, not stopping or slowing his movements. “You like the tapping?”_ _

__“Ahh God, yes! Good tapping -- love the tapping! More tapping!”_ _

__“It's just a little somethin' I learned a while back called the 'cervix bump'.” He felt extremely gratified that Buffy was enjoying this method. It's a little known fact that repeated tapping of the cervix with the tip of the penis can cause orgasms. Most men don't have dicks long enough to perform the technique -- that was never a problem for Spike, of course._ _

__“Ohhh, don't stop! Spike, please! Don't stop!” Buffy begged and grasped at his shoulders. An enormous orgasm was swirling and building up strength like a Category 5 hurricane in her loins._ _

__One 'cervix bump' later, Buffy's body went rigid, then quaked uncontrollably. “Holy shit! Ohhhh! Uhhhhnna!” she screamed, digging her nails into Spike's shoulders deep enough to draw blood. Her legs wrapped tightly around Spike, and her hips started bucking against him, hard and fast, all completely out of her control. Buffy’s eyes fluttered closed as her words degenerated into gasping shrieks of pure pleasure. Bright, colorful fireworks exploded behind her lids as her body and spirit parted ways on the crest of the orgasm. She was flying, soaring, diving, twirling through the bursts of bright sparkles that exploded all around her gloriously. The sparks burned her skin deliciously, sending wave after wave of euphoric fire rushing through her veins, making her body convulse and buck madly beneath Spike. In those moments there was nothing but utter bliss, pure and bright and wondrous._ _

__Spike could only hold on, gasp for breath and wait for her to come back to him. He watched her beautiful face contort in orgasmic pleasure. Pleasure _he’d_ given her. She was the most beautiful he’d ever seen her, right at this moment. Her skin was flushed and rosy, her golden tresses tousled and untamed, her heart pounding wildly, her sweet, hot blood racing in her veins, her cervix kissing the head of his cock as her channel tried to pull him even deeper into her core. He was nearly overcome with the feeling of Buffy cumming on his cock and the sight of her flushed, glistening body. Her inner-walls quivered and shook, undulating wildly over every inch of his manhood. He could feel her hot cream flooding from her body, coating him, burning him with her passion. In all his years of existence, he’d never felt anything like it before. Her slick cum heated him from the outside in. He could feel the warmth of her blossoming deep in his belly; it was nearly his undoing. _ _

__Buffy finally began to slow her movements and loosen her hold on him. “Ohhh... Ohh my God... That was incredible...” Buffy puffed, trying to get her breath back. “I almost blacked-out.”_ _

__Spike smiled and gave her a small peck on the lips. He idly wondered how any human male had survived a shag with a Slayer; the force of her bucking would've broken a fragile human's pelvis, and the clutching at his arms and shoulders certainly would've fractured something. But those thoughts only briefly flickered through Spike's mind; none of that mattered now. She was his and she was bloody perfect._ _

__“Reckon I'll have to remember how much you liked that.” He had been close to cumming but hadn't quite got there before Buffy recovered, and that was fine by Spike. He wanted to stave off his own climax for as long as possible to show Buffy how important _her_ pleasure was to him. A real man takes care of his woman's needs before fulfilling his own._ _

__Buffy panted, nodding her head and patting his arm. “Oh yeah, that 'cervix bump' thing goes on the list of things we do... _a lot_.” Spike had already fulfilled his promise of: fits of ecstasy and total screaming abandon. Buffy still had to figure out a way to do that to him too... _ _

__Buffy seemed spent (for the moment), so Spike gingerly pulled out and moved onto his side next to her. He went up on one elbow, resting his head on his hand, just enjoying seeing her sweaty and flushed._ _

__“Did you... cum too?” Buffy asked, still getting used to saying naughty words._ _

__“I woulda if you didn't take care of me earlier. Thanks again for that, by the way.” He smirked. “I was tryin' to hold off on cumming again just yet. I wanted to give you a few more 'fore I had another one.”_ _

__Buffy pouted slightly. “I want to give you lots of happys, too.”_ _

__Spike smiled and leaned forward to softly kiss her damp forehead. “We've got all night, pet. No worries.”_ _

__“Right. There's plenty of time for me to reduce you to a quivering heap of flesh.” Buffy nodded, trying to be positive. “I, uh, need a minute before we... continue, okay?”_ _

__“Take all the time you need, luv.”_ _

__Buffy took a bottle of water from her nightstand and took a drink. “Don't want to get dehydrated,” she explained as she put the bottle back._ _

__“Very prudent of you.”_ _

__Spike put his hand on Buffy's stomach, then began lightly caressing her skin. His fingertips slowly swirled their way around her stomach, then upwards to her chest._ _

__Buffy shivered, even a gentle touch of Spike's hands was stimulating. “That, um, tapping or bumping thing you did was really effective.”_ _

__He chuckled. “Glad you enjoyed it.”_ _

__“It's like... naughty Morse Code,” Buffy giggled giddily._ _

__Spike smirked. “I was pleasuring you, but also tapping out a message to the troops.” He gently cupped her right breast, brushing his thumb over the nipple before moving to the left._ _

__“Oh, I just love a man who can multitask.” Buffy sighed languidly, feeling satisfied (for the moment) and enjoying Spike's hand caressing her breasts. She frowned when she spotted the marks on his shoulders. “Oh, no... I hurt you,” she said with a pout, carefully touching where her nails had dug into his skin. “I'm so sorry!”_ _

__Spike craned his neck to look at the half-moon-shaped indentations on his skin from her fingernails. “I liked it. No worries, they're not even bleedin'.” They had bled a little, but his quick healing powers were working on the deep scratches already._ _

__“I didn't mean to hurt you...” She fretted._ _

__Spike hoped his casual, confident smile would put her at ease. “Buffy, I told you it's alright.” He leaned forward and kissed her pouty lips tenderly. “I think it's brilliant that you marked me in a fit of passion.” His voice became rougher, his eyes smokier. “I like that I can make you lose control...”_ _

__“Me losing control is _not_ a good thing, Spike. Slayer strength, remember?” Tears began forming in Buffy's eyes. “If I hurt you, I'd never...”_ _

__“Buffy, you don't have to worry about that with me. Vampire, remember? I'm not delicate. Unless we use stakes or swords as props, it's doubtful that you'd actually hurt me. Pleasure can be... enhanced if there's a bit of a sting to go along with it._ _

__“You can't have really good sex if you're preoccupied with possibly hurting the person you're with.” Spike shot her a sexy smirk. “'Sides, you're my wild, magnificent lioness... I knew there'd be a risk of getting a scratch or two on my flawless, alabaster skin.”_ _

__Buffy tried to make herself relax. She had to remind herself again that Spike was NOT like her other boyfriends. He was strong, almost as strong as her, and couldn't be hurt as easily as the others. He was also freaky and got off on a little pain. For Spike, getting scratched or bruised by her (accidentally or not) was a turn-on._ _

__She took in then let out a deep breath, then smiled at him. “Okay. I'll _try_ not to worry about accidentally hurting you.”_ _

__“We could have a safe-word if that'd make you feel better. Somethin' I'd never say when we're shagging...” Spike pursed his lips, thinking. “Somethin' like, 'Stop'.”_ _

__Buffy laughed. “We might need a better word than that. Really though, if I'm hurting you -- and you're _not_ enjoying it -- you just have to say something. Deal?”_ _

__“Deal,” Spike agreed. He couldn't even imagine ever telling Buffy to stop anything she did to him in bed. But if it helped her relax and let go, he'd agree to whatever she wanted._ _

__Buffy looked down, seeing Spike's cock remained ready for action. She reached down and took his staff in her hand, slowly stroking him._ _

__Spike closed his eyes. “God... I love how you touch me, Buffy.”_ _

__“I promise I'll be gentle with _this_ part of you,” she joked._ _

__Spike smiled and gave her another soft kiss. “I 'preciate that, pet.”_ _

__“Mmmm, hard to believe this big ol' thing fit inside me,” she remarked, stroking his ego along with his cock._ _

__Spike smirked, knowing she was flattering him, but thoroughly enjoying it. “And what a perfect fit it was, too.”_ _

__Suddenly, feeling him in her hand wasn't enough. Buffy felt her need for Spike stirring in her loins again. “I'm ready to go again, let's --”_ _

__Spike was on top of her before she could finish the sentence. Buffy giggled and kissed him, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her giggles turned into moans when his big cock pushed back inside of her, parting her clutching walls as he slipped into her smoldering, silk sheath._ _

__Spike sunk in to the hilt, stopping a moment to luxuriate in the feeling of being completely encased in Buffy's wet heat once again. “You feel so bloody good, Buffy,” he rasped. “So fucking hot... Wish we could stay like this forever.”_ _

__A funny response occurred to Buffy -- that she might need to do things in her daily life that wouldn't be possible with his dick stuffed up her pussy -- but she wasn't in a joking mood. She was feeling overwhelmed, though not in a bad way like the last time they were in bed at the crypt. This was a very _good_ kind of overwhelmed. The sensations and emotions she felt as Spike slid his cock in and out of her were unlike anything she'd ever felt before. She felt... _free_ , without a care in the world except for pleasing and being pleased by the blond, beautiful Adonis on top of her. _ _

__Spike's thrusts started off long and slow, gradually building in force and speed. They softly licked and sucked at each other's lips during the more gentle lovemaking. But the faster and harder Spike's hips pistoned, kissing without their teeth clacking together became impossible._ _

__Buffy began unconsciously flexing her inner-muscles around his massive tool, giving him some special 'hugs'._ _

__“Uhhha! Bloody hell!” Spike growled, slowing down for a moment before resuming his hard, fast rhythm. “Whatever you're doin', don't fucking stop!”_ _

__Buffy felt an extra jolt of exhilaration. She was doing something that made him seem to lose control for a few seconds. What was she doing...? It was hard to think about anything right now... But then she noticed her pussy muscles were contracting, and pulling on Spike's cock without any conscious effort -- that must be what he was talking about. Buffy took control of those special muscles for the first time in her life, experimentally squeezing him._ _

__“Ohh God, Buffy!” Spike panted, slamming his cock into her as hard and fast as her grasping muscles would allow._ _

__Buffy's hands glided down Spike's straining back, over the swell of his ass, and grabbed two handfuls of his perfect butt. She clutched at Spike's firm ass as he pounded into her, relishing how the muscles flexed under her hands when he thrust in._ _

__“Harder!” Buffy breathed. “Oh God, fuck me harder!”_ _

__Spurred on by Buffy's demand, Spike began pumping into her furiously, with a speed and power that literally took Buffy's breath away._ _

__Another of those sneaky orgasms took Buffy by surprise. She felt her pussy quiver around him, and the next moment she was exploding all over his thrusting cock. “Uhhh! Shit! Ohhhh -- fuck! Spike! YES!” she shouted as her orgasm took full control over her trembling body._ _

__Spike felt his balls tighten up and knew it was a matter of moments before he joined her in bliss. “Fuck! Unnghaa -- God!” He gasped when his orgasm hit him with tidal force. A grunt started in Spike's throat, quickly turning into a thunderous roar of pleasure. His cum shot out of him like a cannon, feeding Buffy's hungry, clutching pussy._ _

__Spike reckoned that he'd probably cum a thousand times in his life, but it had never felt like this. Buffy's pussy was virtually sucking the cum out of his spurting cock -- she hadn't been lying when she told him about those special Slayer muscles! He felt his balls contract and yet another hard volley of cum boiled up, trying to sate the Slayer’s needs... and his own. His spunk battered her burning, clutching walls with spurt after spurt of thick, ropy cream, coating them both, mingling with her hot cum and filling her channel all around him._ _

__The sensation of Spike's cock unloading inside of her set off another epic orgasm in the Slayer. Her body jolted, and then went into another bout of spasms. She screamed her release, digging her heels into his upper thighs, just under his butt, forcing his erupting cock into her as deep as possible as his shaft pulsed and swelled even larger in her channel with each hard burst of his sweet cream._ _

__Intense waves of bliss crashed through their bodies again and again, seeming to go on forever. The Slayer and vampire each reached a zenith of pleasure they never knew existed. It was exhilarating, yet exhausting._ _

__They panted and moaned as their sweaty bodies came to a gradual stop._ _

__“Holy shit,” Buffy whispered, stunned by what she'd just experienced. She grinned and then laughed joyously when her brain finished rebooting. “Oh... Oh my God! That was so... Oh God...” She pulled in a few deep breaths, trying to get her breathing back under control. She moved her hands across Spike's back. “You okay?”_ _

__Spike lifted his head and smiled deliriously at her. “I've never cum that hard in my entire life.”_ _

__“I had one -- actually it was _a few_ of those -- too.” Buffy gazed at him with a soft smile on her lips, thinking she'd definitely achieved that 'perfect' first-time she'd hoped for. She'd never seen a man look as beautiful as Spike was at this moment. His cobalt blue eyes shone with love and desire for her, and his sweet smile warmed her like the heat of the noonday sun. _She'd_ put that smile on his face, _she_ was the one who'd made him so happy. _ _

__Buffy had waited and planned for the 'perfect' first-time with Spike. The silk sheets, rose petals, and all the other stuff she'd bought were nice touches to enhance the mood, but, she realized, ultimately unnecessary. All she really needed was Spike. Feeling his hard, sleek body atop hers, his smiling lips, swollen from her kisses, and feeling his thick manhood filling her -- that was perfection._ _

__Her quivering legs dropped from around his waist, allowing Spike to roll off of her and onto his side._ _

__They laid side-by-side, breathing heavily with huge, matching grins on their faces._ _

__“God, Spike... I know it's a cliché, but... I didn't know it could be like _that_ ,” Buffy panted._ _

__Spike's smile grew wider. “It was my pleasure, pet. Literally.”_ _

__Buffy ran her hands lightly down her body, enjoying the leftover tingles from her orgasms. Her hands moved down over her breasts, her flat stomach, finally reaching her sodden pussy. Their combined juices were leaking out of her. “I think I need a towel,” she said jokingly. “You got me all gooey and wet.”_ _

__Spike chuckled. “You got a towel handy?”_ _

__She turned over and opened a drawer in her nightstand, and brought out a hand towel. She smiled and showed it to Spike._ _

__Spike laughed. “My little Girl Scout. You really prepared for everything, didn't ya?”_ _

__“Yep. But I thought we'd need the towel to just mop up our sweat, not cum,” she said as she patted her sweaty forehead with the towel. “I'm gonna have to sneak the sheets into the laundry tomorrow -- the thought of my mom discovering my stained sheets gives me the wiggins.”_ _

__“See how easily you can say that naughty word now? All you need is a little practice to say it casually. Correct me if I'm wrong... but didn't you command me to 'fuck you harder'? Though, there's a good chance I only heard that in my head.”_ _

__Buffy smiled and dabbed at the beads of sweat on Spike's brow, recalling how very wanton and naughty she'd been. She'd never felt so uninhibited with a lover before. “Yes, I believe I did say that once... or twice. See what your influence is already doing to me?” she joked._ _

__“You'll be swearin' like a convict 'fore long. I aim to corrupt you good 'n proper, pet.”_ _

__“If this is what corruption is like, then I'm all for it!” Buffy giggled._ _

__“Wait a tick,” Spike said, stopping her as she was about to apply the towel to her wet nether-region._ _

__Buffy looked at him questioningly, wondering why he wanted her to wait before cleaning up. The sly smile that lifted the corners of his mouth, and the way his eyes sparkled mischievously, told her that she was probably going to like whatever it was he was about to do._ _

__Spike put his hand on her inner thigh, massaging it for a few moments, before sliding his hand upwards to caress her wet pussy. Buffy moaned quietly as Spike began gently rubbing her clit with the heel of his hand. He pushed his middle finger into her hole, slowly fucking her with it._ _

__After a minute, he took his hand away from her pussy and brought his cum-coated middle finger between their faces. He brushed his finger across his own lips, then slowly extended his tongue to lick them clean. Spike's eyes fluttered closed for a moment as he savored his treat. When his eyes blinked open again, he held his finger close to Buffy's bottom lip, giving her time to say no or 'Ick!' before he proceeded._ _

__Buffy wasn't certain she'd enjoy this. She eyed the gooey mixture on his finger with a bit of trepidation... seeing Spike taste their combined juices was undeniably arousing, though. Tonight was about being adventurous and learning what they both liked. You never knew if you'd like something until you tried it, so..._ _

__Spike smiled when Buffy parted her lips slightly, silently telling him she didn't object. He delicately rubbed his finger over her bottom lip, giving it a light gloss. Spike searched her eyes for a reaction as Buffy's tongue poked out and swept across her lip._ _

__She'd never had a substantial taste of herself before; she'd only tasted what traces might have been left on a lover's lips. She licked her lips and rolled the substance around on her tongue. Buffy decided that it was a strange taste... but not a bad one. It had a creamy texture, and it tasted earthy, salty... and there was that fruity taste she liked so much. Their flavors complemented each other, which shouldn't have been surprising, everything else about them complemented the other._ _

__Buffy took Spike's wrist and brought his finger back to her mouth, sliding it between her lips, sucking and licking off what cream remained. Their eyes smoldered and remained locked as Buffy's tongue licked up every trace of their cocktail. Spike took his finger from her mouth, then dipped his head to kiss her softly, unhurriedly._ _

__Spike pulled back and asked, “That wasn't too weird or... squicky?”_ _

__“No, not weird or squicky. Well... I thought it was a little weird _at first_... but then it was just hot. I never thought about doing that before.”_ _

__“Just checkin'. You can always say no if you really don't fancy something.” He looked at her with a soft expression, letting her know he meant it. “You know that, don't you, pet?”_ _

__Buffy nodded, seeing how much her enjoyment meant to him. His eyes, those deep-blue orbs of pure expression, told her all she needed to know. “I know.”_ _

__Spike had an urge to go down on her again and let none of their nectar go to waste, but there'd be time for that later. He figured Buffy would like a minute or two to bask before starting another heated round of energetic lovemaking. He rolled onto his back, letting Buffy get on with the task of cleaning up, and relishing the delicious postcoital sensations coursing through his body._ _

__Buffy used the towel on herself, succeeding in soaking up most of the liquid they'd produced. She dropped the towel on the floor next to the bed, thinking they'd probably need it again later. She rolled over on her side to face Spike. They smiled goofily at each other as he put an arm around her shoulders and she cuddled against his side, then sighed, as one, in contentment._ _

__“Can't recall if I mentioned it, but that squeezing thing you did with your muscles when we were shagging? Bloody brilliant,” Spike said in a dreamy sigh. “Thought I was gonna lose my bloody mind, it felt so good.”_ _

__“Yay, I have a thing that drives you crazy too!”_ _

__Spike moved a hand down her back to caress her ass. “Just goin' around lookin' and smellin' the way you do drives me mad,” he growled playfully and gave her ass-cheek a squeeze._ _

__“So... I was good, then?” Buffy asked unnecessarily. She just wanted to hear him say it again._ _

__“I'd give you a standing ovation... but I can't feel my legs.”_ _

__Buffy laughed._ _

__“Ya know, I'm starting to believe all that 'I'm not good in bed' bollocks was a ploy -- just so I'd be even more impressed with your performance,” Spike joked._ _

__“Darn, you figured it out!” Buffy rolled over, resting against his side, then gave him a soft kiss on the lips. “You're too clever for me, you bad, extremely naughty vampire.”_ _

__“So you're turned around on that subject, then? You're not gonna doubt yourself anymore?” he asked._ _

__“I don't know... I don't think I'm good.”_ _

__Spike sighed. “Buffy, how can I --”_ _

__“Let -- me -- finish,” she said, poking him on the stomach with each word. “You're always interrupting me.”_ _

__He sighed again. “Sorry, luv. Go on.”_ _

__“Maybe I'm just good with _you_. Like, it took being with you for me to finally feel free and naughty enough to be... myself. And I was always holding back... worrying that I'd accidentally hurt who I was with. I couldn't let myself go and just be in the moment. But, like you said, I don't have to worry about that as much with you. Not that I don't worry -- it's just that you don't mind me being a little rough... Does that make any sense? My brain is still fuzzy.”_ _

__Spike raised an eyebrow, smiling slightly. “Makes perfect sense to me. I like that theory! You should only ever have sex with me from now on.” He nodded firmly._ _

__Buffy smiled and tightened her hold around him for a few moments. “You've ruined me for all other men, anyway.”_ _

__“That was my diabolical plan.” He looked at her, raising his eyebrows. “Oh, you were finished talking, right? Don't want to interrupt you again. Apparently, I'm always cuttin' you off.”_ _

__Buffy made a face and stuck her tongue out at him. “I can forgive you for stuff like that 'cause you're so hot and you give me lots of happys.”_ _

__“Tonight's just the beginning,” Spike promised. “I see many, _many_ happys in your future in the days and weeks to come.”_ _

__“I see lots of happys in _your_ future, too.” It had taken a lot of proving, but Buffy was finally convinced she really could do no wrong when it came to sex with Spike. All that time she'd wasted being a neurotic mess and worrying was for nothing... She'd be mad at herself later, right now she was too proud of herself to think any negative thoughts. She felt herself getting hot for Spike and ready for more carnal delights. Buffy wasn't sure how much more energy she had after that last set of multiples Spike gave her, but she was craving more. He'd probably need a few minutes to recuperate. But, like the saying goes, good things come to those who wait._ _

__Buffy rolled onto her back, coaxing Spike to move with her. She put her hand to the back of Spike's neck and drew him to her for a kiss. Unlike their heated, frenzied lovemaking of a few minutes ago, the kiss was soft and gentle. It began with their warm, slightly parted lips barely touching, the tips of their tongues delicately teasing each other's mouth. Their lips parted more as Buffy's moist, hot tongue slid into Spike's mouth to do sensual battle with his own._ _

__Their hands slowly roamed over their lover's body as the kiss deepened. Buffy made sure to tweak Spike's nipples as she felt up his finely muscled chest. He quietly moaned into her mouth, making her smile. Her right hand slid lower to rub against his fabulous abs, and then slid lower still, to wrap her hand around his cock. He wasn't fully hard again yet, but she could take care of that problem._ _

__“Little vixen,” Spike murmured against her lips._ _

__“I can't get enough of you, baby,” Buffy said huskily. She grinned devilishly at feeling his cock twitch in her hand._ _

__

__End Notes:_ _

__* Spike's poem is credited to Amy Lowell_ _


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter than my usual, I didn't have to continue it this time lol Only one more chapter to go! 
> 
> Banner by xoChantelly

 

Buffy slowly blinked her eyes open. The soreness in certain parts of her body proved last night wasn't just some beautiful, highly erotic dream. It was 11am according the alarm clock on her nightstand. She'd thought she wouldn't wake up until some time after noon; it had been nearly six o'clock by the time she and Spike were finally spent and their sexual appetites sated.

Just as Buffy was wondering whether Spike was still here or if he'd snuck out during the night to avoid an awkward scene with her family in the morning, his arm slid around her waist and she felt his cool lips press lightly against her shoulder.

Buffy turned her head and smiled sleepily at him. Blinking the sleep from her eyes, she could see Spike had a matching sleepy, very pleased, smile on his face. “Hello.”

“'Ello, cutie. Didn't wake you, did I?”

“That would be a _very_ nice way to wake up, but I was already awake. The sunlight's not too strong, is it?” The bedroom was suffused with a soft, golden glow from the sunlight filtering through the window blinds. It seemed to be diffused enough to not be a danger to Spike, but Buffy wasn't taking anything for granted where his safety was concerned.

“You don't smell bacon fryin', do ya?” Spike joked, then shook his head. “It's fine, no worries.” 

They shared a tender kiss. Their lips were a bit swollen from all the smooching they'd engaged in the night before, but that wasn't going to stop them. 

Spike had never experienced this much happiness before. Basking in Buffy's love made him feel as if he were bathed in sunlight, feeling the light and heat penetrate his skin, warming him down to the very marrow of his bones... but without the pesky spontaneous combustion side-effect.

Spike had had lots of happy moments in the past but this surpassed all of them. Having the chance to make love to Buffy was a dream come true, but waking up with her, seeing affection for him in her eyes and a satisfied smile on her lips, was as meaningful to him as the night of unbridled pleasure. It was like he'd told her: it wasn't just her body he craved. If she'd been cold and unfeeling toward him afterwards, it would've been a bittersweet victory at best. 

“I was so bloody relieved to wake up in your bed with you next to me, and not alone back at the crypt,” Spike chuckled. “It really did finally happen, eh?”

“Mmhmm, oh yes, it definitely happened. I believe it happened seven times before we got too tired... I'd probably be a lot sorer right now if not for my speedy healing ability.”

“Just as well we quit when we did, some of my parts were startin' to chafe.”

They laughed lightly as they shifted position on the bed, Buffy rolled onto her back and Spike scooched over to give her more room. He let out a contented sigh as he settled against her side. The warmth of her body against his was as close to heaven as he’d ever get. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up feeling this every day for the rest of eternity.

“I'm glad you didn't leave,” Buffy said in a soft tone, trying not to get too emotional. This was a joyous occasion, not a time for getting maudlin. 

Spike's smile turned down at the corners when he thought of how his girl had been wronged by the other men she'd let into her life. He silently vowed again to love his girl the way she deserved, and prove to her she was right to trust him with her battered heart.

He took her hand, closed his eyes and placed a soft kiss on her palm. He opened his eyes again and smiled. “I'm _exactly_ where I want to be, Buffy. I'd stay right here with you forever if I could.”

Buffy nodded, sniffing back tears and finally letting go of all the worries and fears she'd harbored for so long. She was just feeling so many strong emotions, it was hard to keep control over them. Mainly she was feeling love for Spike, happiness that they'd finally gotten together (and the sex was fan-fucking-tastic!), and relief that he hadn't left or turned into an evil asshole overnight. She was also really ticked off at her subconscious mind for making her believe sleeping with Spike would be disastrous. All that worrying and anxiety had been for nothing... so much time wasted. They could've been loving and making each other happy all this time if not for...

_'Don't think about how much time you wasted being a stupid basketcase. Focus on the positive,'_ Buffy told herself, successfully rerouting her thoughts in a happier direction. It was a huge relief waking up to find Spike was still in bed with her. And he obviously still loved her. He didn't even have to say it; his love for her was in his eyes and in his touch.

Switching to a more playful tone, Spike said, “'Spose I might have to get out of the bed when you want to change the sheets and such... but other than that, I ain't goin' nowhere.” 

Buffy had the reaction he'd hoped, she giggled. A happy twinkle replaced the fleeting sadness he'd seen in her eyes a few moments ago.

“You'll be my love slave, at my beck and call 24/7?” she asked teasingly.

“Mmhmm, any bloody time of the day or night. If I happen to be away from your bedroom, you can always request a booty-call via cell phone. I'll come a' runnin'.” Spike waggled his eyebrows, and then leaned in to press another loving kiss to her lips.

“I could get used to this,” Spike murmured as their lips brushed together. 

“Oh, so could I,” Buffy said with a contented sigh.

Just in case the light of day had Buffy second-guessing herself again, Spike wanted to make absolutely sure she had no lingering doubts. He pulled back to gaze into her eyes. “You really were incredible last night, pet. I knew you'd be amazing... and you were. Best I've ever had -- and I'm _not_ just sayin' that.” They'd already given each other rave reviews for the sex, but for two surprisingly insecure people like them, who'd been burned one too many times, it bore repeating. 

Buffy's smile expanded, she was so proud of herself and her performance. There was no question in her mind that she'd pleased Spike and met his high expectations; he was in no way disappointed, as she'd feared he would be. If she hadn't been certain last night, the way Spike's ocean-blue eyes sparkled, and the boyish grin lighting up his handsome face, told her that he had enjoyed it as much as she had; he wasn't just trying to make her feel better by saying complimentary things. She'd never seen someone look so happy and fulfilled, he was practically glowing. 

Again, Buffy wanted to kick her own ass for being so nervous about the whole thing, how she'd completely convinced herself she'd be terrible in bed... And again, she chose to dwell on the good instead of the bad. She was feeling much too blissful at the moment to let any bad thoughts spoil her mood. She deserved to be happy.

Buffy touched his face, caressing a sharp cheekbone. “God... you were so... You're the best I've ever had -- and I'm not just saying that, either.”

“Yeah?” Spike turned his face to nuzzle her palm before kissing it. Like Buffy, he was also feeling extremely proud of himself. The pressure he'd put on himself to be perfect for her hadn't negatively affected his stamina or performance, as he'd feared it might.

“Mmm-hmm, you rocked my world, baby. That's the first... and probably the last time I should ever use that phrase. I can't pull it off.” They chuckled. “You certainly delivered on your promise of working my body into fits of ecstasy.”

“What about screaming abandon?” Spike asked, arching an eyebrow.

“There was plenty of that too. God, if I knew what I was missing... I woulda fucked the hell outta you the first time I saw you,” Buffy said with a naughty gleam in her eyes. She liked how talking that way with Spike made her feel, and she definitely liked the effect it had on him.

“Ooh, listen to you... usin' coarse language all casual-like. Careful now...” he touched his top teeth with the tip of his tongue, “... you know what hearin' you talk dirty does to me, luv.”

“So,” Buffy purred, running her hands lightly up and down his strong biceps, “does that mean you want more than one roll in the hay with me? Not satisfied with just the one night?”

Spike shook his head. “One night ain't even _close_ to bein' enough. I'm completely addicted to you. In fact... I wouldn't mind havin' a little taste to tide me over for the rest of the day.” He waggled his eyebrows. “If you're not too sore, 'course.”

Buffy giggled, surprised to be feeling a bit frisky herself. She'd thought it would be a day or so before she felt up to shagging again, but she was definitely hungry for more. “What about your chafed parts?” She raised an eyebrow and glanced between their bodies. “Don't they need time to... un-chafe?”

“I've got speedy healing ability too. Comes in handy for healin' more than just broken bones. Everything's all nice 'n healed, smooth as a baby's bum.” Spike growled and nibbled at the side of her neck.

Buffy grinned and closed her eyes, tilting her head to the side to give him more nibbling room. Spike found a spot just below her ear that Buffy found she particularly enjoyed having nibbled. Due to Spike's _thoroughness_ last night, Buffy had discovered a few more erogenous zones on her own body that she never knew existed. 

“Mmmmm, ohh Spike... right there...” she moaned, reaching down to stroke his manhood.

A moment later, there was a knocking at Buffy's door. Spike and Buffy froze; until that moment, they'd forgotten anyone else existed in the world besides each other.

“W-who is it?” Buffy called. She whispered to Spike, “Shit, the soundproofing spell wore off... and I can't remember if I locked the door. I wouldn't have forgotten to lock the door... right?”

Spike shrugged, not knowing the answer. Buffy had forgotten little details such as letting him know there was an anti-vamp barrier on her house... so it was very possible she could have forgotten to lock her bedroom door. Spike was grateful Dawn hadn't just walked in... and, with what he'd been about to do to Buffy, it would've been worse if Dawn had walked in a minute from now.

“You up, Buffy?” Dawn answered.

“Uh... sorta. I mean... I just woke up. Don't come in -- I'm not dressed.”

“Can you come out here? I need to ask you something.”

“Shit,” Buffy whispered again. “I don't want her to figure out you're in here. Could you...” she grimaced, hating having to ask this of him, “... hide in the closet until I get rid of her? I'm sorry, but it might upset Dawn...”

Spike frowned. “You want me to hide?” Seeing the pleading look on Buffy's face, and her bottom lip beginning to jut out in a sad pout, made him drop his objection. “Alright... if I must,” he said in a sigh. 

Buffy gave him a quick kiss on the lips. “Thanks for understanding, baby.”

Spike slid out of bed and started hurriedly picking up his clothes. If he was Slayer-whipped _before_ the sex, he was even more so now. It would be hard for him to say no to anything Buffy wanted... He'd have to work at evening the playing field a bit more in the future. But for now, he'd do just about anything to make Buffy happy.

“Buffy, did you hear me?” Dawn asked.

“Yeah, I heard you. Just a second!” Buffy pulled on her robe and kicked her discarded lingerie under the bed.

With his arms full of his clothes, Spike rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically as he opened the closet and stepped inside.

Buffy patted the closet door and whispered, “Thanks, it won't take long.”

Buffy looked at herself in the mirror to make sure she looked alright. She couldn't help stopping and smiling at her reflection for a moment -- she looked different. The joyous, contented look on her face wasn't one she was used to seeing in the mirror. _'Ah, so *that's* what a woman who's in love and just had the best sex of her life looks like.'_

Buffy shook off her musings, smoothed down her tousled hair and took a deep breath. She rolled her eyes when she turned the doorknob and found that it _was_ locked, she needn't have worried about Dawn barging in. But it made her feel a bit better knowing that at least she hadn't forgotten that one important thing. She unlocked, and then opened the bedroom door just enough for her to squeeze through and stepped out, quickly shutting it behind her. 

“Okay, what is it?" Buffy asked impatiently.

Dawn raised her eyebrows. "Rude much? How about a 'good morning'?"

Buffy closed her eyes and took a calming breath, then forced a cheery smile. "Good morning, little sis! What did you want to ask me?"

Dawn smiled. "That's better. I wanted to ask if you'd like some pancakes."

Buffy blinked. "Pancakes? You made me get out of bed and come out here to ask me if I wanted _pancakes_?

“What's so bad about that? You got something against pancakes?”

Buffy struggled to keep her annoyance from crossing over into bitchiness. “It didn't require me coming out into the hall, that's all. You could've asked me through the door.”

“Hmm, yeah, I guess that's true... Sorry. I'll remember that for next time.” Dawn shrugged. “So, do you want some pancake-y goodness or not?”

Buffy was going to say no, but her stomach growled to let her know she really was hungry. _'Guess I worked up quite an appetite last night,'_ she thought with an inward grin. “Yeah... I guess I'll have some.”

“I'll call you when they're ready.”

“Thanks, Dawn.” 

Buffy started to turn, but stopped short when Dawn said, "Oh, does Spike want pancakes, too? There's some leftover blood in the fridge, he can use it for syrup.”

Buffy's eyes widened, she gulped and turned back to her little sister. "Um... Spike?" She laughed nervously. "Why would Spike be here? Of course Spike's not here. Why would you think he was here? I mean, here is not where Spike is... obviously."

"Oh, please, Buffy..." Dawn groaned with a roll of her eyes. "Either you and Spike were knockin' boots in your room last night or you're the loudest masturbator in history. And it would mean you were doing a guy's voice some of the time... which makes it _extra_ disturbing."

Buffy gasped as a flush began creeping up her neck, thinking of how loud she had been at certain times last night. And Spike had done his share of shouting and roaring too. They'd both reveled in being as rowdy and raucous as they wanted to be... 

After Buffy recovered from the shock, she took Dawn by the arm and pulled her inside the bedroom, closing the door quickly. 

"You h-heard...? Oh my God!” Buffy put her hands over her face, thoroughly embarrassed; she knew her face had to be a very deep shade of red. “The spell was supposed to soundproof my room! I tested it -- you couldn't have heard! Mom heard, too?! Willow promised the spell would --"

Dawn laughed and held her hands up in submission. "Whoa, take a pill! I didn't think you'd totally spazz-out. I didn't hear anything."

Buffy slowly lowered her hands from her face and stared at her sister in confusion. "...Huh?"

"I said I didn't hear anything, I was just messin' with you. I put two and two together and figured out that you were going to ask Spike to 'sleep over'."

Buffy's lip curled into a snarl, her right eye twitched, and her hands curled into tight fists. “You almost gave me a heart attack -- for a joke?!” she hissed.

“Sorry, it was supposed to be funny!” Dawn backed up a step, worried she'd gone too far with this particular joke. “I didn't know you'd get so freaked out.”

A thump was heard coming from in the closet, followed by a muttered curse word.

“He's in there, huh?” Dawn asked, glancing at the closet.

Buffy sighed and hung her head.

Dawn rapped lightly on the door. “It's okay, you can come out now, Spike.”

“Uh... no I can't,” came his muffled reply. He was still just holding his clothes in front of him.

“Oh, didn't have time to get dressed?” Dawn did her best to not picture Spike naked. She was getting over her crush on him, but she was still a red-blooded female and he was still a _very_ hot man. 

Buffy rubbed her eyes. “If you didn't... hear anything, how did you figure out Spike was here, Sherlock?”

“It was little clues here and there. How you acted last night while we were watching the movies was the biggest clue, I could tell there was something you were nervous about. It was more of a, 'Oh, something really cool is going to happen and I can't wait!' kind of nervous, not the usual 'Something terrible is about to happen and I've gotta be ready for it!' nervous. When I combined that with the candles, flowers, incense and the other new, romantic-type stuff you bought, it wasn't hard to figure out.”

“Congratulations,” Buffy groaned. She wasn't happy about the fact that Dawn had apparently been snooping around in her room, but she'd let it go... for now. “Mom doesn't know too... does she?”

Dawn shook her head no. “I don't think so. She's not acting funny and she didn't say anything to me.”

“She might be getting suspicious that you've been gone so long, you'd better get back downstairs.”

“Mom's out front talking to Mrs. Kravitz, she'll be busy for at least another half hour if I don't rescue her by lying and saying she has a phone call or something.” 

Buffy had gotten snared by their gossipy, talkative next-door neighbor a few times herself. There simply was no polite, honest way to get away from that woman once she started talking to you. “Poor Mom... but that does give Spike a chance to leave the house without her seeing him.”

“I've gotta leave the bloody closet first...” Spike griped.

“Sorry, Spike, I'll leave so you can come out,” Dawn said through the door. “I won't rescue Mom until Spike leaves through the backyard. I'll be in the kitchen,” she told Buffy.

Buffy ushered Dawn to the door, but stopped just before turning the knob, needing to ask her something.

"Are you okay with... this?" Buffy asked in a lower voice as she glanced at the closet and then back to Dawn.

Dawn smiled a bit and nodded. "Yeah, I am. I know I've... been a jerk about it sometimes, but I really do want you guys to be happy together. Are you happy?"

Buffy tried to not smile too brightly or nod as enthusiastically as she wanted to. Dawn was trying to be mature about it, and Buffy didn't want to rub her extreme happiness in her lovelorn sister's face. "Yeah, I really am. And I know Spike is, too.”

“Good. Are we still going to the museum together this afternoon, or are you too... tired?” Dawn asked, raising her eyebrows.

“You still want to go to see the art exhibit, Spike?” Buffy asked.

“Yeah, I plan on goin'. Still have to leave the bloody closet first...”

Dawn nodded and opened the door. "Buffy, did you have Willow do the soundproofing when Riley used to sleep over?" she asked with a teasing smile.

Buffy gave her a warning look. "Dawn..."

The teen smirked as she backed out the door. "I'm just sayin'... I never heard a peep."

Buffy closed the bedroom door and shook her head, then hurried over to the closet and opened it. She couldn't help smiling at Spike looking sheepish and still using his bundle of clothes to cover his nakedness. He looked so cute!

“She finally gone?” he grumbled.

Buffy nodded. “Sorry it took so long.”

Spike stepped out of the closet and went over to the bed, putting his clothes down on the mattress.

It wasn't easy for Buffy to think straight with Spike's beautiful, sculpted body on full display. She found herself licking her lips and wanting to throw him down on the bed and have her way with him again... But she did her best to curb her potent desire; now wasn't a good time for lovin'. “What was that thumping sound we heard?”

“Dropped one of my boots. Sorry, luv.”

“It's alright, the jig was up -- she already knew you were in the room somewhere. I kinda gave it away by going mental when she said she'd heard us... My little sister has a _really_ twisted sense of humor. I wish we could afford to send her to a therapist.”

“Well... on the bright side, I think it shows she's not too angry or jealous 'bout us being together. And if takin' the piss outta us helps her deal with losing the world's sexiest, most handsome male to her big sis, that's alright with me.”

Buffy snorted a laugh. “Yeah, I guess you're right.”

Spike pulled his jeans on. “If only Dawn woulda waited a while longer before playing her joke... we woulda had a chance to start the day off right.”

Buffy started looking in her bureau for something to wear. “Yet another reason to kick her bony ass.”

“So... it was quiet when Captain Cardboard stayed over, eh?” Spike smirked. While it made him want to heave to think of her with Riley, it did make Spike happy to know ol' Soldier Boy never made Buffy scream with pleasure.

“Yes... it was very quiet. I told you I never made that much noise with anyone else.” She glanced slyly at him before going back to picking out a shirt. “Something told me it'd be different with you, and I couldn't've been _more_ right.”

“Your mum knew when he stayed here?”

“Yeah, I let her know ahead of time. I could tell she wasn't crazy about it, but she didn't complain. I think she felt guilty that I had to move back home so she didn't want to tell me I couldn't have my boyfriend stay over.”

“Will you tell her when I stay overnight in the future, or will I be hidin' in closets and rushin' out the backdoor while someone keeps Joyce busy every time?”

Buffy heard the change in his voice. He'd said it with a touch of dry humor, but she detected a hint of pain. It wasn't until that moment that Buffy realized how Spike might have interpreted some of the things she'd said and done. Spike was a little (maybe more than a little) hurt that he wasn't afforded the same privileges Riley had been given. 

She turned to him. There was a smile on his face, but she saw hurt in his eyes just before he looked down to put on his boots. Buffy went over and sat on the bed next to Spike. She put her hand on his back, rubbing in small circles, then pressed a kiss to his shoulder. “I'm sorry I made you hide... that wasn't fair.”

Spike half-shrugged as he laced up his boots. “However you want to handle things is fine by me, Buffy. Long as I get to be with you... that's what matters. I'm not gonna be greedy or needy, or do any of the annoying things your exes did. If you want me to sneak in through -- or fall in through -- the window every time, then that's what I'll do.”

Buffy felt awful for making Spike feel less deserving of being treated with dignity and respect than any of her other boyfriends. She knew he had issues involving them, just as she had issues regarding the women he'd been with. She knew he'd had nightmares of her leaving him to take up with one of the men from her past. Why did she do and say so many (unintentionally) mean, hurtful things to him? Leave it to her to spoil Spike's good mood by being insensitive! 

Suddenly, everything became much more clear to Buffy. It didn't matter if everyone knew Spike had stayed over and what they'd been doing all night. All that mattered was making sure Spike knew he was second-to-none; she loved and respected him even _more_ than any other man she'd been with. If she thought it would help make things up to him, she'd go outside with a bullhorn and announce to the neighborhood that they'd spent the night together.

“You want to stay for pancakes?” Buffy asked with a hopeful, conciliatory smile, leaning against his side. “We've got the blood-syrup for ya. I prefer maple syrup, myself. Whaddya say, are you up for brunch with the Summers girls?”

“Nah,” Spike said neutrally with a shake of his head. “I wouldn't want to intrude. I'll just have my breakfast when I get back to the crypt.”

Buffy frowned. “You wouldn't be _intruding_ , Spike. My family is crazy about you... and I'm more than a little crazy about you, too.” She hugged his arm for a moment.

Spike smiled faintly, glancing at her. “Thanks for the invite, but I'd rather just get home and maybe get in a short nap before the museum.”

He wasn't as okay with everything as he claimed to be -- she could tell. Anxiety began coiling in the pit of Buffy's empty stomach, mushrooming and becoming larger by the second. She tried to explain, hoping she didn't screw everything up already. “Last night was a special case -- I wanted us to have as much privacy as possible. I thought asking you to come through my window would be more romantic too, kinda like Romeo climbing up Juliet's balcony, you know? I didn't want Mom or Dawn to know you were here because it was our first time being together and... And there was Dawn's crush on you to consider, I never know how she's going to be handling it from one day to the next.”

“I know, luv. It's alright,” Spike assured her as he slipped his t-shirt on over his head.

Despite his assurance, Buffy didn't feel very... assured. He was upset -- he was trying to hide it, but he was definitely upset. She continued to nervously ramble, hoping she could convince him she wasn't an evil bitch who couldn't help herself from hurting him at every given opportunity. 

“You won't have to sneak in or hide again, I promise. I didn't realize doing things the way I did might hurt your feelings -- but I _should've_ thought about it and done things differently. For one thing, I wouldn't like it if we were at the crypt and you told me to hide if someone you knew showed up, but that's what I did to you and I feel terrible... 

“I'll make it up to you any way you want. We can do the spanking thing, or I could go down on you for an hour straight or until my jaw hurts too much, we could do _light_ bondage, or... well, there is some stuff I just can't do, but... Oh God, I'm babbling like I did in those hundreds of phone messages I left you.” Buffy sighed and rubbed her forehead. In a small, anxious voice she said, “Everything was so perfect... Please don't tell me I ruined it.”

Spike smiled as he stood and pulled his duster on. His spirits had flagged a bit when he thought he would always be sneaking in windows and leaving clandestinely, but he was over it already. It touched his heart to see Buffy so nervous, worrying that she'd unintentionally hurt his feelings and trying desperately to convince him she was sorry. He wasn't the only one in this relationship willing to do anything to make the other happy. The playing field wasn't so uneven, after all.

“Hey, c'mere.” Spike took her hands and pulled her up to stand with him, then put his hands on her waist, bent slightly at the knees and looked into her eyes. “You are so bloody adorable. Relax, pet. I know it wasn't your plan to make me feel slighted. Even if I was feeling a bit... glum momentarily, you fixed it by tellin' me it won't always have to be a secret when I stay overnight. Although, I wouldn't mind climbing through your window once in a while... sneakin' around from time to time would be fun.

“I'm not angry or upset, I'm not gonna run off and disappear again. We're past all that bollocks now. We don't assume the worst and run away like we did before.” Spike sighed with regret. “I'm sorry I've been such a git... takin' offense to every little thing. But I'm not gonna be that way anymore, you don't have to worry so much. Okay?”

Buffy's pout melted into a smile, she put her arms around his neck. “Are you sure? You're not mad or sad?” 

“I'm sure.”

To say she was relieved would be an understatement. “Okay.” Buffy let out a breath, relaxing. “Sorry about the rambling... I went into damage control mode.” 

“You're cute when you ramble,” Spike said, then kissed the tip of her nose.

“I really didn't ruin everything by being a poo-head?”

“You didn't ruin anything, pet,” he reassured her again. Spike nuzzled her ear and whispered, “Do you know how much it would take to make me _un_ happy after last night? It'd be damn near impossible.”

“I wanted to kick myself in the ass for putting a damper on our morning after-glow. We do have to practice being quiet when we do it in my bedroom, though.”

Spike pulled back, raising and lowering his eyebrows. “Practice makes perfect, as they say. I think we'll need _lotsa_ practice... it can take me a while to learn new things.” He curled his tongue up over his top lip.

Buffy giggled. “That's another thing we have in common. Yes, I think we'll have to do a lot of _practicing_. But there also wouldn't be any harm in asking Willow for a bunch of pre-made soundproofing spells until we master the art of quiet sex.”

“Sounds like a plan, luv. Well..” he sighed, “'spose I should get going in case your mum manages to break free from your chatty neighbor.” 

Buffy frowned a bit, reluctant to let him go. “Yeah, I guess you should. Mom's probably prepared to gnaw her own foot off to get away by now.”

To make sure Buffy didn't have lingering doubts as to his okay-ness with the morning's events, Spike covered her mouth with his, holding her firmly in his arms and kissing her thoroughly. Buffy moaned and sank into the kiss, holding him tighter.

They both figured they should stop (before getting carried away) at the same time. They smiled flirtatiously at each other and took some steadying breaths as they separated.

“Right. I'll meet up with you in the lobby of the museum around three-ish?” Spike asked as he moved toward the door.

“Oh, wait a minute.” Buffy held up a finger and went back to her bureau. “I want to ask you something real quick.”

Spike raised an eyebrow and went to stand next to her. “It's not about pancakes, is it?”

Buffy laughed, “No, not about pancakes.” She held out two handfuls of her underwear. “Which one of these do you like the best?”

Spike gave her a naughty smirk. “You gonna wear the one I pick?”

She bit her lip. “Maybe.”

Spike pursed his lips, inspecting the panties and thongs she was holding. “Bloody hell, this isn't an easy decision... but...” He pointed to a pink, satiny pair. “This one.”

“Excellent choice.” She turned around and put the rest of the underwear back in the drawer, then held out the pink pair Spike had chosen. “You can take them.”

Spike gave her an amused, but puzzled smile. “What?”

“I want you to have my undies.”

Spike looked at her sideways. “You... don't want me to wear 'em, do ya? I don't even wear _men's_ knickers, I don't fancy the idea of puttin' on panties.”

Buffy laughed again. “No, you silly vampire, I'm just giving them to you. I want you to have them at your place for times when we can't... you know, get together because of work or school or whatever. You can look at them and think of me.” She batted her eyes at him.

Spike smiled and took the panties, bringing them to his nose for a quick sniff before stuffing them in his pocket. He believed he understood what Buffy hoped to convey with this gesture: she forgave him for nicking her things in the past, and wanted to _give_ him something he might've stolen back in the days when he thought that was as close as he'd ever get to being with her.

“This is sorta like that beautiful moment at the end of the movie 'Glen or Glenda' when Glen's girlfriend gives him her angora sweater to show him she's okay with his transvestitism,” Spike remarked.

“Spoiler alert! Thanks a lot, I haven't seen that movie yet.” Buffy chuckled. “Okay... yeah, sure, it's sorta like that. Only, like I said, you don't have to wear them... unless you _really_ want to.”

Spike smirked and pulled her into a hug. “Love the present, pet. It's just what I wanted -- how did you know?”

“I had a hunch you'd like it,” Buffy said, brushing her lips against his.

“You know... if you still feel bad about makin' me hide in the closet, you can do some of those things you mentioned you'd be willing to do to make it up to me... Only to make you feel better and ease your conscience 'bout the whole thing, of course.”

“We'll see,” Buffy replied with a naughty smile.

Spike snorted a laugh. “You should make a list of things I'd need to do to make something up to you, too -- with our bloody track record, won't be long ‘fore we'll need it.”

“I'm already making a list in my head.”

Spike started for the door again.

“Spike, wait. Aren't you forgetting something?”

Spike frowned for a moment, not knowing what she could be referring to. After a moment, he went back to Buffy and gave her a quick kiss on the lips. 

She laughed and shook her head. “Well, it was nice to get an extra kiss, but I was talking about your blanket.” Buffy pointed to the gray blanket he'd had the foresight to bring with him last night.

“Oh...” Spike picked up his trusty traveling blanket. “I woulda been missin' this right about the time I burst into flame. Thanks, luv. My brain hasn't un-scrambled from last night just yet.”

“Please be careful on your way home, I don't want anything bad happening to you. I love you.” Saying those words to Spike, and seeing how happy it made him to hear those words, made her feel so good inside, so warm and content. 

“I love you too, Buffy. I'll be careful, no worries.”

After one more sweet kiss, Spike went back to the bedroom door. He hesitated a moment, his hand on the knob, and looked back at her. "You do realize you have no hope whatsoever of getting rid of me now, dontcha?" he asked, arching an eyebrow.

"That's okay; I kinda like having you around these days. You've sorta grown on me."

Spike winked, and then went out into the hall, closing the door behind him.

Buffy sighed, her shoulders slumping, missing Spike the moment the door blocked him from her view. She shook her head and laughed softly to herself. There was no denying it, she had it _bad_ for The Big Bad. Buffy was already in love with Spike before they had sex, but after the most passionate, most physically and spiritually fulfilling experience she'd ever had... Spike was crazy if he thought _he_ would ever get rid of _her_ now. She was just as addicted to him as he was to her. She wanted to be with Spike as much as possible -- whether sharing a meal, fighting side-by-side slaying demons, or alone and rutting like crazed weasels. 

Pulling herself from her musings, Buffy went to her closet and picked out what she wanted to wear for the day. Laying her outfit out on the bed she realized that before she dressed, she _really_ needed a shower. She was surprised Dawn hadn't commented on the musky smell of sex permeating the room. She frowned at thinking perhaps Dawn was just saving some more alleged 'comedy' material for later... 

Buffy opened the blinds and windows to help the room air-out a bit, then stripped the sheets off her bed. She remembered the soiled towel that had been kicked under her bed and picked it up, along with her lingerie, before heading for the bathroom. 

After her shower, a call to Willow and Tara would be in order. Buffy wouldn't have time to give them more than a general rating of the evening (which was A++++... or should that be XXX+++), but she could tell them more at the Magic Box later. She had to let her friends, who had helped make everything so perfect, know that her night with Spike had been more magical than she'd ever imagined it could be.

Buffy stepped under the shower spray, tilting her head back and letting the warm water rain down on her. She thought, _'Mmmm, this feels so good. Showers are awesome. But... showering with Spike... ohh, that sounds good. Getting him all wet... rivulets of water running down his sculpted torso and dripping from the ends of his curly hair... I could help wash his back... and other hard-to-reach areas...'_

Dawn really needed an ass-kicking for interrupting them this morning...

With images of a wet, glistening Spike running through her mind, Buffy was just barely able to get her libido back under control as she rinsed the shampoo from her hair. She considered diddling herself there in the shower, but using her own hand (or even the shower massager) didn't appeal to her at all. Getting off by any means other than Spike touching her seemed... unnatural. Not only had Spike ruined her for all other men, he'd apparently ruined her for masturbation too... at least for the time being. She idly wondered how she could be so horny so soon after an entire night of carnal delights. Maybe Spike had awakened her inner-nympho?

Buffy was curious if Spike was having the same sort of naughty thoughts about her.

And, of course, he was.


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter!

_Later that day..._

As Buffy neared the Magic Box at about 6pm, she reflected on her afternoon at the museum. She'd had a good time with her mom, sister, and Spike. The only thing that would've made it better was if she and Spike had been able to sneak off and be alone for a while. But she'd had a pleasant day despite the lack of alone-time with her man. To keep her libido at bay, Buffy had reminded herself that they'd have a chance for romance later, after patrolling. Or, perhaps, during patrol... if she just couldn't manage to wait any longer. She hadn't felt this _frisky_ in a long time.

Buffy had enjoyed seeing Spike interact with her mom and sister in a social setting again. They had a natural, easy rapport which the Slayer couldn't explain. She couldn't explain how or why her family took to Spike so easily, and vice-versa, but she was grateful for it, nonetheless. Spike had been funny, personable, and charming all day; it was a side of him her friends hadn't had a chance to see very often, or at all. Xander, even if he witnessed Spike being a good guy, would probably be completely unimpressed and say it was all just an act. But Buffy knew differently. If Spike didn't like someone, he wasn't capable of hiding it for long. Xander would attest to that much.

Spike had dazzled the Summers women with his knowledge of art and art history. That tricky vampire was a lot smarter and cultured than he'd ever let on. Buffy had known him for years, but, in some ways, it was like she'd only just met him. She looked forward to making more fun discoveries about Spike in the months and (hopefully) years to come.

Dawn had been on her best behavior, even encouraging Buffy to hold Spike's hand at one point, and she'd kept any risqué comments to herself. It was obvious her little sister was trying to make up for her 'joke' that morning. Buffy was sorely tempted to pretend to be more angry and upset about it, to milk Dawn's guilt over the incident for as long as possible. But that would be kinda mean -- not that she didn't deserve it! Buffy decided to give Dawn a break, though, but she would wait and see how Dawn behaved in the next few days before she officially forgave her for the ill-advised prank.

They'd all had a good time. But, of course, the afternoon hadn't been completely incident-free... 

 

_Earlier, at the museum..._

Dawn was relieved to finally get out of the ‘nudes’ room at the museum. She was pretty sure her face couldn’t get more flushed or her stomach more jittery than it had been in there. I mean, perusing a room full of mostly-naked men and women -- statues, paintings, bronzes, and photographs -- with not only your mother, but the guy you’ve been crushing on forever who is now your sister’s boyfriend? Not a recipe for happiness. She couldn’t stop her mind from wondering what Spike would look like done in marble or bronze; she was pretty sure he’d put all these examples of manliness to shame. Those thoughts, of course, just made her face burn hotter. 

She was happy to see the next room was Native American art, much less with the boobies and ding-dongs and more with the horses and eagles. As their small group was examining the workmanship of a hand-woven Navajo rug, a rotund, balding man smoking a cigar came into the room. He seemed oblivious to the 'no smoking' signs which were posted everywhere. Other people would glare briefly at him, but no one had the guts to say what was on their minds. Most people didn't want to risk having an unpleasant exchange with a stranger.

Dawn hated the smell of cigar smoke. Not only did it irritate her nose and throat, it turned her stomach -- as if her stomach needed more upsetting just now! “Why doesn't someone tell him to put that thing out?” she wondered, looking away from the intricately woven rug hanging on the wall, her nose scrunched up with disgust. She put a hand on her stomach. “Ugh, I hope I don't puke...” 

Dawn meant she didn't know why a museum employee didn't tell the man to get rid of the cigar, but Spike took matters into his own hands. With a purposeful stride, he walked over to the man. Unlike most people, Spike wasn't afraid of having an unpleasant exchange with a stranger -- in fact, there was very little that Spike was afraid of; an over-the-hill bowling-ball of a man being near the bottom of the list, right next to newborn kittens and dandelions.

Buffy tried grabbing his arm to stop him, but she'd reacted too slowly and Spike was out of reach. She had no idea what was going to happen, Spike could be... highly unpredictable, to put it mildly. She unconsciously held her breath as she watched Spike begin talking to the man.

“Hey, mate, you wanna douse that stogie?” Spike asked, in as polite a tone as he could manage. Politeness didn't come very easily to him; being polite was not his first instinct in any given situation. But because he was out in public with the Summers clan, and he wanted to be the kind of man they all could be proud of, he had to try being more even-tempered. He wanted to show them he could behave like a gentleman.

“No,” the man replied simply, not even giving Spike a sideways glance. 

There were a lot of things that annoyed Spike, being ignored and dismissed were near the top of the list. He clenched his jaw tightly for a moment, then moved around the man to look him in the eye. “The smoke is botherin' the girl,” he said, gesturing at Dawn.

The man finally glanced at Spike, and then briefly at Dawn. “Too bad. Don't like it? Go to another room, it's a big building.”

Spike's nostrils flared, his eyes narrowed, and his hands reflexively curled into fists. For the millionth time since he'd been chipped, he cursed his inability to hit a human without experiencing blinding pain. Not that Spike would've hit the man if he were able, he wouldn't want to upset or embarrass Joyce and Dawn... but having the _option_ to hit the bastard would be nice. 

“It's... It's alright, Spike,” Joyce said, moving nearer the two men, nervous that the situation would turn ugly in a matter of seconds. Spike looked _very_ angry. “This guy isn't worth the trouble. We're moving to the next exhibit, anyway.” She gave the man a reproachful look, her voice hardening. “You're a very rude and inconsiderate person. You should be ashamed of yourself!” After a cold, disdainful glare directed at the round man, Joyce then turned and ushered Dawn out of the room, hoping that Spike would follow.

The man shook his head and chuckled, he couldn't care less what Joyce thought of him. He'd paid his fee to get in and he intended to enjoy the exhibit as he saw fit; and that was with his expensive Cuban cigar.

Buffy slowly followed after her mother and sister, walking backwards. She watched Spike and the rude guy, interested and still anxious about how Spike was going to handle this situation. He _should_ just walk away... but she knew Spike well enough to know he wouldn't do that. She wasn’t testing him... exactly, but if Spike was to be part of her life -- her _entire_ life, not just her Slayer life -- then she needed to know that he could control himself in situations like this, which were bound to come up. 

Spike looked toward the archway Dawn and Joyce had gone through, making sure they'd left. The tosser actually had the nerve to laugh at Joyce -- that had really pissed Spike off. It was taking all the willpower he had to rein in his demon, he knew he had to handle this civilly, but most of him didn’t want to. Luckily, he had enough blood in his brain to listen to the small part that was telling him to channel his inner-gentleman.

Spike cracked his neck from side to side, recomposing himself, before turning his attention back to the man. “I asked you to put out the bloody cigar.”

The man was clearly irritated now. He looked at Spike and gave a snort of derision. “No one, especially not a _lowlife_ like you, tells me what to do.” 

Spike smiled pleasantly. “Ah, I reckon I know what the problem is. There aren't any ashtrays 'round here, are there?” He made a show of looking around them. “Otherwise, you woulda been a gentleman and put your cigar out when you knew it was making the girl sick. Please, allow me to put it out for you.” With a hint of gold flashing in his blue eyes, Spike snatched the cigar out of the man's hand in the blink of those expressive eyes. 

“Hey! What the hell is your problem?!” the man blustered, his round face flushing with anger.

Spike slowly and deliberately held out his right hand, palm-side up.

“That's a Cuban! Give it back or I'll...”

Spike crushed the lit end of the cigar against his own outstretched palm, and then proceeded to grind it out. He had a smile on his face, staring unflinchingly into the big man's beady eyes, as he twisted the cigar against his bare flesh.

The rude man watched, his beady eyes widening comically, horrified and transfixed by the display, not quite believing this was really happening. Spike's skin sizzled, the smell of burning flesh mingled in the air with the pungent smoke of the expensive Cuban cigar.

Spike leaned forward until his mouth was near enough to the man's neck to rip out his jugular. “Next time,” Spike said in his most menacing tone, slipping the snuffed-out cigar into the breast pocket of the man's jacket, “I'll put it out on your bloody face.”

“Y-y-you're crazy...” The now-spooked man started backing away.

“Too right, I'm mad as a hatter.” Spike grinned and widened his eyes, attempting to look as insane as possible. He'd been around Dru more than long enough to learn what 'crazy' looked like. “So, when I ask you _nicely_ to do something, you'd better bloody well do it, yeah?”

The panicked man turned on his heels and began stumbling and staggering away in his feeble attempt to run. He nearly tripped over a bench in his path, barely lurching to the side in time to avoid it, bumping into several people in the process, before disappearing into a crowd in the next room.

Spike growled out a disdainful laugh before turning his attention to his hand, brushing the ashes off his burnt palm. He looked around him to see if any of the other museum patrons had seen what he'd done. As he'd hoped, he'd managed to keep the confrontation private, and hadn't alarmed anyone else other than the rude man.

Buffy, having witnessed the whole thing, strode up to her vampire worriedly. “Spike, what's wrong with you? Why did you put it out on your hand?” 

“Why? 'Cos I couldn't put it out on _him_ , now could I?” He smirked, adding, “And I knew it'd scare the shit outta him. I think the prat'll mind his manners a bit better the next time he finds himself in a similar situation.” 

“Couldn't you have just told him you'd report him to security, or something else that wouldn't have ended with you maiming yourself?”

“Hmm... didn't think of that. Yeah, reckon I could've done that. But tattling?” Spike screwed up his face and shook his head. “Not a wee lad in short pants, now am I? And we're not in a bloody schoolyard. And it's not my style, pet; I prefer the direct approach.”

Buffy rolled her eyes as she took his right hand and inspected the cigar burn. It was ugly and had to hurt, but Spike had had worse... Buffy herself was responsible for him being horribly burned (and temporarily crippled) in that old church. She knew she needed to let the past stay in the past -- Spike had obviously forgiven her, so she should forgive herself too... but she couldn't help it. She frowned, thinking that the pain he'd been in back then had to have been excruciating. She gingerly touched the skin around the cigar burn, wishing she could make his pain go away. She couldn't make up for hurting him in the church, but she could help him feel better now. “We should put some ice on this.”

Spike looked anxiously at Buffy, believing her frown was one of disapproval for what he'd done. “Brassed off at me for doin' what I did, ain't you? Tried to keep the whole thing quiet as possible... I didn't want to upset your mum and the Bit.”

She gave him a small smile to let him know he wasn't in trouble with her. “You shouldn't have threatened him... but he was being a huge jerk. And you only said something to him because Dawn said the smoke was making her sick. You were being protective of my little sister... I can't be mad at you for that. But what if, unlike you, that guy _does_ like tattling and goes to security and reports you? We might get kicked out of the museum.” 

Spike snorted. “What's he gonna say? He'd have to admit he was smoking in a 'no smoking' area. And I gave the soddin' thing back to the wanker, can't say I stole it. You know, I never cared for cigars m'self. They smell bloody awful, and they look like you're suckin' on a big brown dick.”

Buffy laughed, relaxing a bit. She figured Spike was probably right and the man wouldn't try getting them thrown out. Spike was also right about cigars being smelly and looking like big brown dicks. “I never thought of cigars that way... Thanks a lot, I'm going to have that visual every time I see someone smoking one now,” she joked.

Spike relaxed too, relieved that he hadn't pissed her off. Maybe he hadn't handled the situation exactly right, but he hadn't bollixed everything up, either.

Buffy bit her lip and put her arms around Spike's neck. “Honestly, I thought what you did was bad-ass, and kinda sexy... in a weird way.”

Spike smirked. “Is that so?”

“Mmmhmmm. But now you have a painful burn on your hand.”

“I don't mind a little pain for a good cause, and it'll heal up quick, no worries. I'll have a pint o' blood when I get 'ome, the worst of the burn should be gone in a day or so.”

Buffy pulled his head down to give him a kiss. She was actually feeling a bit randy. Seeing Spike take charge was both stimulating and heartwarming. Spike being a bad-ass was hot, and knowing he did it to protect her sister was heartwarming. It proved once again that Spike would be there to help protect her family no matter what, even with minor things like cigar smoke bothering Dawn. He was willing to endure pain and the loss of a patch of skin just to teach a lesson to someone who'd caused her sister even a little bit of discomfort. 

 

_Back in the present..._

 

Unfortunately, the museum smoochies hadn't lasted long. Joyce had come back looking for them a minute later, worried they'd gotten into a fight with the cigar guy. Buffy was surprised that Spike told her mom the truth about what he'd done; she'd assumed he would make up a story and try hiding his burned hand. Joyce hadn't seemed bothered by it, though she did chastise him for hurting himself. And Dawn thought what Spike did was ultra-cool, of course.

Buffy thought it was good that Spike had burned himself. Well, it wasn't _good_... but the course of action he decided to take could've been worse... a _lot_ worse. Spike was well known for having a bad temper and being impulsive -- he could've tried taking a swing at the guy, or screamed at him, or something else that would've caused a big scene and ended badly. But Spike had considered at least _some_ of the possible consequences before he acted, and that was definitely a step in the right direction for him.

Having had their fill of art and culture for one afternoon, the group went to the café in the museum to grab some dinner, nothing fancy, just hamburgers and fries. After a pleasant meal, Spike told them he had to leave to work on his car at the garage for a while. Buffy and Spike had reluctantly parted ways, and just like this morning, Buffy missed him like crazy the second he was gone. They'd only been apart for a half-hour, but it felt like days to the smitten Slayer. Love is a funny thing...

Standing in front of the shop, Buffy tried preparing herself for any bad things that might happen in the next few hours. What if Xander went back on his promise and started hassling her about Spike? What if there was more fighting when Spike showed up later? What if a mega-demon came to town and put their lives in danger? What if Spike got hurt... or worse? Although she knew he was completely capable of taking care of himself around other demons, he was completely helpless around humans. Buffy didn't know what she'd do if she lost him now...

All those 'What ifs' were just stinkin' thinkin', Buffy told herself; she had to think positively. Xander promised he'd be nice, and Buffy believed he was being sincere; therefore, there would be no more ugly incidents. And if a slaying emergency did come up, she knew Spike would be right there by her side all the way, helping to protect her friends and family. Spike was a skilled and powerful warrior, he hadn't lived for over a hundred years by being easy to defeat; if he gets involved in a battle, Spike will win. And Spike knew how to take care of himself around humans; he was clever and had no problem gaining the upper-hand psychologically, he'd proved that today at the museum. No matter what happened in the next few hours, Buffy knew she'd have Spike to cuddle with at the end of the day. That fact made everything much more bearable.

“Hello, everyone!” Buffy said as she cheerfully breezed into the shop.

Willow and Tara, who were sitting at the reading table, looked up and grinned at Buffy. Their friend was clearly in a very good mood, a welcome change from when she'd been a nervous wreck trying to track down Spike all over town. A smiley, happy Buffy was a wonderful (though, unfortunately, rare) sight to see.

“By the smile on your face, I take it you had a good time last night?” Giles asked her from behind the counter.

Buffy stared at him blankly for a second. He wasn't asking her how things had gone with Spike... was he? “Um... last night?”

He clarified, “You said you wanted to spend a quiet evening at home with your family... and Spike. Did you have a pleasant evening?”

“Oh... yeah! He was great. It was great. I mean... we had a great time, thanks for asking.” 

Giles raised his eyebrows but made no further comment. While he was thankful to see Buffy looking so happy, he had a feeling he would be _much_ happier not knowing precisely why Buffy seemed so... jubilant.

Buffy turned toward Willow and Tara, biting her lip to keep from laughing.

Willow waved her over, saying, “We're dying to hear about the art exhibit, tell us all about it!”

“You look like the cat that swallowed the canary,” Tara observed once Buffy sat down.

Buffy had to stifle a giggle when a very dirty response came to her mind. It seemed that Spike's naughty mind was a bad influence on hers. “I don't even remember feeling this good after spending the night with someone -- like ever!” She glanced back at Giles. “For a second, I actually thought Giles was asking me about how _it_ went with Spike... I think being in love and having mind-blowingly hot sex made my IQ drop a few points.”

The girls laughed.

“Yep, being in love, and having mind-blowing sex can do that,” Willow agreed, nodding. “Don't worry, it's only a temporary condition, the lust fog in your brain will clear soon. You'll still be ga-ga for Spike, but your IQ will go back to normal.”

“So everything went well last night?” Tara prodded.

Buffy grinned and nodded. “Not only did I have an incredible night with the man I love, all those fears and worries I had -- or most of them, anyway -- were proven wrong.”

“I knew you had nothing to worry about.” Tara patted Buffy's arm. “See? Everything was fine.”

“I freely admit it -- I'm an idiot,” Buffy laughed. “I'll be mad at myself in a day or two for being a basketcase who denied myself the most physically and spiritually fulfilling experience I've ever had. I'm just too happy to punish myself right now.”

“I think you've punished yourself enough already,” Willow admonished her. “I don't think Spike would want you to beat yourself up over it, either. All that bad stuff is over now, you and Spike have moved beyond it. So, just bask in the wonderfulness, no punishing.”

Buffy nodded. “I guess you're right... I've put myself and Spike through enough crap already.” After a pause, she said, “Oh, I could've killed Dawn this morning. You won't believe what that little brat did. Spike and I were about to... you know, say 'good morning' the _naughty way_ , when Dawn knocked on the door. Then she played a prank on me by saying she heard me and Spike... doing it during the night.”

Tara and Willow's jaws dropped.

“She didn't actually hear anything,” Buffy added quickly, clarifying that before they had a chance to respond verbally. “She'd figured out that Spike had spent the night with me, and then she tried to give me a heart attack.”

Willow shook her head and frowned. “Wow, I can't believe Dawn would do something so... On second thought, yeah, I can believe it. Not only did she play a mean trick on you, she made you think I gave you a defective soundproofing spell.” Willow's frown deepened. “You didn't kick her butt for that?” 

“No.” Buffy sighed regretfully. “Not that I didn't _want_ to, though.”

“Can _I_ kick her butt for making you think my spell was crappy?” Willow asked. She was joking about literally kicking Dawn's ass, but Willow was irked. After a few small... _missteps_ in the past, she was understandably defensive about anyone insinuating one of her spells had gone wrong.

“Sure, you can kick her ass,” Buffy agreed, only half-joking, “but only if I can watch.”

“I hope Dawn doesn't do stuff like that on a regular basis. Maybe she's really not okay with you and Spike... being closer?” Tara wondered.

Buffy sighed. “I think she's okay with it... or at least she's really trying to be. She even told me she'd be fine with me and Spike holding hands, kissing, and being affectionate in general, in front of her.”

Willow brightened. “Well, that's good news. You know, successfully pranking you might've actually helped her deal with the situation better.”

“Yeah, Spike said pretty much the same thing,” Buffy agreed. “Dawn's prank was definitely successful -- I fell for it hook, line and sinker. I hope she feels like we're even now... I'd rather have that devious brain of hers working _for_ me instead of against me.”

“You spent last night with Spike, and you spent the afternoon with him, too. Is all the new togetherness getting on your nerves yet?” Willow teased.

“Oh, I'm positive it will eventually. But, for now...” Buffy smiled saucily, “I can't get enough.”

Xander, who'd arrived at the shop shortly before Buffy, emerged from the doorway leading to the basement with Anya following close behind him. 

“Hey, Buff,” Xander said as he went to stand at the counter. “How was your day? You went to the museum with your family and... Spike, right?” Pretending he didn't hate Spike wasn't going to be easy, but he'd do his best, for Buffy's sake. And he knew that friends who didn't accept the new boyfriend or girlfriend didn't remain friends for long.

“Yes, I did,” Buffy replied with a smile. “Mucho fun was had by all, thanks for asking.”

Xander smiled and nodded until he turned away from her. He slumped slightly with his elbows on the counter, a weary expression replacing his pleasant smile.

Giles said, low enough not to be heard by Buffy and the others, “When Spike arrives, which I'm certain he will at some point, excuse yourself and step outside for a moment if being _nice_ becomes too much of an effort. I can see just asking about her afternoon with him has taken a toll on you. We don't want a repeat of what happened here the other night.”

“Hunh? Oh... yeah, right.” Xander sighed and nodded. “Don't worry, I'm not gonna cause a scene again. I promised Buffy I'd give Bat Boy a chance, so... It might end up killing me, but I'll be... _nice_ to him.” 

Giles gave him a hopeful look before going back to his ledger.

To be honest, most of Xander's fatigue was caused by what he and Anya just got done doing in the basement... but he wasn't going to tell Giles about that. Having to pretend he didn't hate Spike did take an additional toll on him, though. 

Meanwhile, the girls at the table were getting back to their much more interesting conversation.

Tara winked and nudged Buffy. “Any details about last night you'd like to share?” Then she looked down sheepishly, hoping she wasn't making Buffy feel an obligation to share intimate details. “Um, you really don't have to if you don't want to. I was just kidding around.”

Buffy snorted a laugh. “I've never wanted to talk about _anything_ more than I do about what happened last night. I couldn't wait to see you guys to tell you about it.” 

The three of them leaned in towards the center of the table to speak more confidentially. 

Buffy began, “I was the _very_ lucky beneficiary of all of that hundred years of experience he's had. He can be so romantic and yet so dirty. Spike was --”

Anya suddenly appeared, leaning into the midst of their huddle. “Why are you talking so quietly? Are you telling secrets?”

Buffy, Tara, and Willow leaned back in their chairs with matching frowns.

Buffy sighed in annoyance. “We were having a private conversation, Anya.”

“About what?”

“Don't you know what 'private conversation' means?” Willow asked.

“It's about me, isn't it?” Anya wondered, frowning.

“Noooo...” Willow replied, dragging the word out and rolling her eyes.

Anya brightened. “Ooh, is it 'girl-talk'?” Anya bounced on her heels, looking back and forth between the three eagerly.

“...Yes,” Buffy reluctantly admitted.

“I'm a girl,” Anya stated matter-of-factly, pulling out a chair and plopping down next to Buffy, an expectant look on her face. 

Willow raised an eyebrow. “Um, yeah... you are. So?”

Anya squinted at Buffy. “Wait... You had sex, didn't you?” She paused for a moment, then nodded. “Yes, you definitely had sex, I'd know that look anywhere. That's what the three of you were talking about?”

Buffy's eyes widened. “How could you possibly know that?” 

“It's a gift, I can just tell.” Anya shrugged nonchalantly. “I want to hear about it, too.” 

Buffy shook her head. “No... I don't think so, Anya.”

“What? Why not?” Anya asked with a pout. 

“Because I don't want _them_ ,” Buffy nodded toward the counter, “to know what I'm talking about, and you don't know how to be... _discreet_. And you'd probably say something extra-loud and they'd overhear it.”

“I won't tell them, I promise!” Anya made a cross-my-heart gesture. “We're friends, aren't we, Buffy?”

“...Yeah, we're friends,” Buffy said reluctantly. They weren't BFFs, but Buffy did count Anya among her friends.

“I thought girlfriends discussed their romantic escapades with each other over cocktails, and that they share intimate details about their lovers?” A disillusioned expression formed on Anya's face. “...Or has 'Sex and the City' been lying to me all these years?”

Buffy sighed. “Yes, girlfriends have been known to share... that kind of stuff with each other.”

“Well, I want us to be close like Carrie and her friends on the show.” Seeing that the three of them still looked dubious, Anya went on to plead her case. “Xander's wonderful, but he's a man and therefore clueless about women and how we think and feel. I haven't had a close human, female friend for over a thousand years, I forget what it feels like sometimes...” she finished by pouting and looking down at the floor.

Anya suddenly brightened and looked back up at her three companions, her eyes glittering with excitement. “I have an idea! I can go first! I can tell you all about Xan--”

“NO!” the other three exclaimed in unison, cutting her off and drawing a look from the two men at the counter. 

Buffy gave Giles and Xander a nervous smile. “Socks with sandals... a definite ‘No’,” Buffy covered. Giles and Xander both gave a confused nod and turned back to what they had been doing. 

Giles and Xander both gave a confused nod and turned back to what they had been doing. 

The other three women gave each other a look, and then let out a collective sigh.

Buffy said, “Okay, you can be in on the girl-talk, too. But please remember what you promised -- and no sex talk about Xander, _ever_.”

Anya frowned, but then shrugged. “Okay,” she agreed a bit reluctantly, but quickly brightened again, happy to be included. She leaned toward the center of the table. “It'd be better if we were drinking Cosmopolitans... Maybe we can have a few drinks next time. You were telling them about the fact that you had sex, right? Was it with Spike?”

Buffy blanched, forgetting to keep the volume of her own voice down, “Of course it was!” She looked nervously over at the counter, grateful to see Xander and Giles weren't looking in her direction this time. She took a breath and then said in a quieter tone, “Yes, it was with Spike, the guy I've been dating. Did you think I met some random guy and just jumped into bed with him?”

Anya shrugged. “It is a common human experience, you know. From my observations, it happens frequently.” 

“Not to me, it doesn't. Anyway... last night, Spike and I got together for the first time.”

“What took you so long?!” Anya said loud enough to make Giles and Xander look in their direction yet again. At Buffy's scolding look, Anya thought quickly, then turned to the men and said, “Buffy finally tried the brand of sanitary napkins I recommended she use. They are extremely absorbent and conceal odor effectively... and they stay in position when you dance.” 

Giles and Xander being male, and therefore reflexively horrified by the subject of feminine hygiene products, promptly looked away and once again went back to what they were doing.

Anya hoped she didn't just exclude herself from the female bonding session. “I'm sorry, Buffy. I promise to control the volume of my voice from now on.” Buffy didn't look appeased by that, so Anya added, “I was just so happy for you, I couldn't help blurting it out. I won't blurt anything again. Okay?” 

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Well... the look on their faces when you mentioned 'sanitary napkins' was pretty funny... Yeah, you can stay. No more blurting though, alright?”

Anya nodded, and the girls leaned in to talk again. “Did I miss anything lurid and explicit? If so, please start from the beginning.”

“You didn't miss anything, I was just starting. It took me and Spike a little while to get goin', 'cause we were both kinda nervous, but once we did... _Wowzers_!” Buffy raised her eyebrows and blew out a breath. 

They giggled.

“We were like bunnies.” Buffy laughed, “Bunnies that just got out of prison.”

Anya made a horrified face. “Bunnies... Why did it have to be bunnies? Bunnies should never get out of prison! You couldn't think of another animal to compare yourselves to? Why not weasels? Or wolverines? They also have copious amounts of sex, and they can be extraordinarily loud and violent towards each other during intercourse. Wolverines would've been a much more apt animal to use in your analogy.”

Buffy rolled her eyes. “Fine. We were like wolverines that just got out of prison.”

Anya's grimace turned into a smile. “I like that much better. This is fun! Girlfriends getting together to dish about romantic trysts is one of the simple pleasures enjoyed by humans, and now that I am human, it's one of my pleasures.” 

“May I continue?” Buffy asked tiredly.

“Oh, please do!” Anya rested her chin on her hand, looking at Buffy expectantly.

Buffy gave Anya a sideways glance. "It's weird that you're suddenly so interested in the details of my love-life..." 

"Well," Anya explained, "it's because your love-life has not been worthy of interest before. I'm interested now that you're having sex with Spike. Riley was clearly a completely unimaginative lover and not naughty at all. You probably fought falling asleep under his hulking mass many times. I doubt he was creative, and he most likely favored the Missionary position. Am I right? Bet he had stamina though... He was in good shape. But stamina can become tiresome if he's not a skilled lover -- it can be like torture if he takes too long to finish and you just want it to be _over_."

The others just stared at Anya -- not knowing why they should be shocked or surprised at her brazenness, but they were stunned for a few moments all the same.

"Now, Spike, on the other hand," Anya continued, oblivious to their discomfort, "has been having sex for over a century, he's had lots of time to perfect his techniques, he must be extremely naughty, _and_ he most likely has the stamina of a wild stag during mating season. So, yes, I'm interested in your love-life now that you have one that is worthy of interest."

Buffy blinked and sat back in her chair. "I was hoping you'd stop talking on your own without someone having to tell you to be quiet -- what _was_ I thinking?" A lot of what Anya said was true, but it still irritated Buffy when Anya talked about her love-life that way.

"My God, Anya..." Willow said, frowning and shaking her head. "You really need to learn what's _appropriate_ conversation and what isn't."

“Why aren't my observations appropriate?” Anya asked, honestly perplexed, looking from Willow, to Tara, to Buffy. “We're engaging in girl-talk about Buffy's night of passion with Spike. I was given to understand that uncensored bawdiness is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged under the circumstances. Is this information incorrect?”

Tara half-shrugged. “I think she's... right about that. In this kind of conversation, those sort of things aren't really inappropriate.”

“Thank you, Tara,” Anya said with a nod, raising her chin defiantly. “See? Tara doesn't think I was being rude.”

Buffy sighed. “Just... let me do most of the talking, alright?” she asked Anya. “Don't interrupt too much, and don't launch into a critical review of my entire dating history.”

Anya opened her mouth to answer, but then just closed her mouth again and nodded curtly. They all knew her silence would last maybe thirty seconds at best... but it was nice that she was trying.

Buffy opened her purse to get a piece of gum. She frowned when she saw a small envelope she hadn't put in there. “What's this?” She picked it up, then smiled when she saw the same fancy writing Spike had used on the envelope that came with the flowers he'd sent.

“What is it?” Willow asked.

“Spike must've slipped this into my purse during dinner. I know this wasn't in here an hour ago.” Buffy took the note out and silently read it. 

 

You ask me if there'll come a time  
When I grow tired of you.  
Never, my love

You wonder if this heart of mine  
Will lose its desire for you.  
Never, my love

What makes you think love will end  
When you know that my whole life depends  
On you 

You say you fear I'll change my mind  
And I won't require you.  
Never, my love

How can you think love will end  
When all I want is to spend my whole life  
With you

 

Love you madly, 

Spike

 

She sighed happily and held the note to her chest, wishing it was the man who had written it in her arms at this moment.

“What's it say?” Tara asked curiously. Then she winced, thinking she was being pushy again. “You don't have to tell us, it's okay if it's too private.”

Anya gave Tara an annoyed look. “Speak for yourself. I want to know what it says. We're supposed to be sharing, so share.”

Buffy put the note down on the middle of the table, letting her three friends read it for themselves.

“Oh, wow...” Tara tilted her head and smiled. “That's so sweet!”

Willow nodded, impressed with the 'sensitive side' of Spike. Who knew someone who'd been a vicious, soulless killer for a century could be so sweet and thoughtful? 

Getting an unexpected love note from Spike made Buffy feel all warm inside. By giving her this particular poem, Spike was trying to allay more of those fears that had petrified her. A few of her worries that she'd shared with Spike were that he'd get bored with her, or he'd realize he didn't want her now that he finally had her. The note was just Spike's little way of reassuring her that nothing had changed after their first sexual encounter -- he still loved her, he would always love her.

Almost immediately, Buffy began second-guessing her decision to let them read Spike's note. “Um... I know you like what he wrote, but could you guys not tell Spike I let you read it? He might be embarrassed. I don't want to do anything that might possibly discourage him from doing romantic things like this in the future.”

Willow's red brows went up in surprise. “Spike is _capable_ of being embarrassed?” 

“About this kind of stuff, yes, he is. So please pretend you never read the note?” Buffy pleaded with them. 

They nodded.

Buffy gave Anya a more pointed look. “I mean it, Anya.”

“I won't say a word to Spike about the poem,” Anya said.

“Don't tell Xander or anyone else, either,” Buffy amended.

“I understand, Buffy.” Anya wanted to argue about why they seemed to think she was some kind of brain-damaged blabbermouth who didn't know how to keep a secret, but arguing would only further delay Buffy telling them about the sex. 

“A shy, embarrassed Spike must be adorable,” Tara said teasingly. 

“It is totally adorable,” Buffy confirmed. “But that's a side of him he's really uncomfortable letting other people see or know about. He wants to maintain his tough-guy image.”

Anya thought Spike's love note was very romantic too, but this wasn't the kind of thing she was hoping to talk about. She was in the mood for juicy details, dammit! To get the conversation back on the right track, she prodded, “He's writing you poetry? You must've given a very impressive performance last night.”

Buffy blushed as she put the note back in the envelope. “Well, Spike seems to think I did. He called me a lioness and a goddess at certain points during the evening. I was so different with Spike than I've been with anyone else... I was still kinda self-conscious at first, but I got over it. I let myself be totally in the moment and not think about much else besides how good being with him made me feel.”

“What sort of things did he do to make you feel so _good_?” Anya pressed, catching Buffy before she could start talking about the romantic aspects of the evening again. Anya wanted to hear about those too, but right now she wanted some bawdiness. “No detail is too small or filthy, omit nothing.”

Buffy certainly wasn't going to tell them _everything_ , but there were a few things she was dying to share. “It's never felt so right with anyone before. We just... _meshed_ , you know?”

“Yes, tell us about the meshing,” Anya cajoled. “Is there anything that stands out as especially _memorable_ during the meshing?” Anya was anxious to find out if Spike had any sexual tricks up his sleeve (or wherever he kept them) that she might be able to incorporate into what she did with Xander. It was very important for monogamous couples to keep their lovemaking fresh and occasionally spice it up.

“Well...” Buffy giggled, “Spike did this thing with his...”

* * *

Xander leaned an elbow on the counter, looking over at the table where the girls were having a quiet conversation punctuated by giggles. “What do you think they're talking about?” he asked.

“I have no idea.” Giles took his eyes from his ledger for a moment to glance at the girls. “Perhaps they're still talking about... _female_ things.”

“See how they're leaning in and talking softly? They're in a girl-huddle, and girl-huddles can spell trouble for men. You think they're talking about us?”

Giles shook his head. “Don't be so paranoid, Xander. If you're that interested in what they're discussing, why don't you just ask them?”

“Like they'd tell me if they were talking about us? They'd just make up something if I asked them... Hey, I bet _that's_ why Anya mentioned... female stuff, she was covering up for what they were _really_ talking about.”

“I have more important things to do than speculate about what four women may, or may not, be talking about,” Giles said, closing his ledger. 

“The girls are over there having some kind of estrogen-fueled pow-wow, so us menfolk have to talk about guy stuff to balance it out. What do you want to talk about? Hot chicks? Sports? Fast cars?”

“Some of us are working, not socializing. Would you please tell Anya that she is supposed to be minding the shop? I don't pay her to sit and gossip with her friends.”

Xander frowned. “You're no fun. You really need to loosen up, G-man!”

Giles gave him a tired look. “I'll be in my office.”

Xander watched as Giles went into the office and closed the door. “I need more male friends... Hell, _a_ male friend would be nice... And Giles needs a girlfriend. I wonder if that Olivia lady he was seeing will come back for a visit?” Xander sighed and closed his eyes. “And now I'm talking to myself... Not a good sign.”

* * *

After dishing about her fabulous night with Spike, Buffy was doing a little training to work off some sexual tension. Talking to her friends about Spike had made the Slayer painfully horny... again. 

As rude as Anya had been to say Buffy's love-life used to be boring... it was true. Buffy hadn't realized _just how_ boring her previous romantic escapades were until she was with Spike last night. Overall, Spike had been so romantic and tender, but he'd also been a rough, insatiable beast. Buffy needed a man who could be sweet _and_ rough, a man who knew when and how she needed to be loved. A sweet savage. That man was Spike, she was now certain of that fact.

Buffy had left the training room door slightly ajar while she worked out so she would be able to hear when Spike arrived. There had been a few false alarms in the past half-hour, just regular customers coming in to shop. Buffy would pout for a moment before getting back to punching the heavy-bag.

Buffy stopped and listened when she heard the bell again. This time, she heard the others say hello to Spike. She smiled and almost skipped out into the main room to greet him.

Spike smiled broadly when he saw Buffy come through the doorway. “'Ello, luv.”

“Hello, cutie.” Buffy walked over to him. “I was wondering when you'd show up. I'd hug you, but I'm a little sweaty.” She hadn't had time to work up much of a sweat, but there was a sheen. 

“I like your sweat.” Spike set a small, brown paper shopping bag he was carrying down at his feet, then wrapped his arms around Buffy and held her tight. He whispered, “You got _much_ sweatier last night, and I didn't mind then.”

Buffy giggled, putting her arms around his middle. She whispered near his ear, “I got the note you hid in my purse.”

“Did you like it?” Spike asked, then gave her earlobe a soft kiss.

Buffy squeezed him tighter for a second. “I loved it. There was definite swoon-age.”

“Good.” Spike pulled back to look at her. “But if me leavin' you notes and presents starts getting annoying, tell me, alright? I'd feel like a complete git if I thought I was being terribly romantic, and you were just rollin' your eyes at me behind my back.”

He was being cute and flirty, but Buffy knew he was serious about what he was saying. “I can't imagine it _ever_ getting annoying, but I promise to tell you if it does. How's your hand?” she asked, taking his injured hand in hers. She couldn't get a look at the burn, Spike had wrapped a bandage around it.

“No worries, luv. Shouldn't take long for it to be good as new.” 

Buffy finally noticed the bag Spike had set down on the floor. She sighed, but couldn't keep from smiling. “Oh Spike, don't tell me you bought me another present? You didn't have to do that.”

“I didn't,” he said simply. “It's not for you.”

Buffy was a little taken aback, she'd been ready to snatch up the bag and unwrap another romantic prezzie. Spike really did need to cool it with the gift-giving, she was getting spoiled. “...Oh. Well, if it's not a present for me, then what's in the bag?”

Spike looked anxiously over at Tara, who was browsing at a bookshelf. “I need to have a word with Glinda.” After a moment of hesitation, he started striding toward Tara.

Buffy's brow creased as she watched Spike walking over to the gentle witch. She didn't know what he could want to talk to Tara about -- Spike and Tara didn't exactly have a lot in common. 

“Need t' 'ave a word,” Spike told the blond witch.

Tara looked behind her, thinking Spike was talking to someone else. 

“You. Glin... Tara,” he said, pointing at her.

She looked back at him, her naturally large eyes becoming larger. “Y-you want to talk t-to m-me?”

Spike nodded and gestured toward the training room. “If ya can spare a mo'.”

“Um... I guess... okay,” Tara said slowly, then walked ahead of Spike into the room. 

Buffy didn't say anything, but she locked eyes with Spike and gave him a look that said, “What's going on?”

Spike only nodded once to acknowledge Buffy's unspoken question, he had to get through this quickly before he lost his nerve.

When the door closed, Willow asked, “What's that about?”

Buffy shrugged and shook her head. “I have no idea. I don't recall Spike saying anything earlier about wanting to talk to Tara.”

Willow started for the training room. “I should go in and...” 

Buffy put her hand on Willow's arm, stopping her. “Why? Do you think he's going to try to hurt her? Nevermind that Spike _can't_ hurt her, he wouldn't. Tara's a big girl, and she's a lot stronger than you give her credit for, Willow. Just let them talk about whatever's on Spike's mind.”

Willow's shoulders slumped slightly. “I guess I'm just... too overprotective when it comes to Tara. She _is_ strong, I know that... but she has a hard time talking to people she isn't close to. I don't even like someone saying rude things to her.”

“I doubt Spike wanted to talk to her in private just to be rude to her.” Buffy wouldn't let anything ruin the good mood she'd been in since last night, but it did trouble her to see that Willow didn't trust Spike to even _talk_ to Tara. “If I thought for one second there was even the tiniest chance Spike was being mean to her, I would put a stop to it myself.”

Willow nodded, trying to shake off the strong urge to protect Tara. “Yeah... I know. I just wonder...” Willow looked at the door to the training room apprehensively, “... what Spike would need to talk to her alone about?”

* * *

_Meanwhile, in the training room..._

Once Spike closed the door behind them, Tara turned around and waited to see what Spike wanted to speak to her about. She knew she shouldn't be nervous -- Spike seemed to like her at least a little, and he wasn't capable of harming her -- but when the former William T. Bloody wanted to be alone with you, it still caused a bit of anxiety.

Spike ducked his head, rubbing at the back of his neck. "Buffy told me how kind you were to her when she showed up on your doorstep, when she was all worked up and feelin' out of sorts. I wanted to say...” he swallowed uncomfortably, then looked up to make eye contact, “...thank you.”

Tara smiled bashfully and looked down. “Oh, well... you d-don't have to thank me for that, Spike.” She was relieved his reason for speaking to her in private was that, apparently, he didn't want everyone seeing him be _nice_.

“Yeah, I do have to thank you, and not just for that... Buffy said it was you who helped her realize she was in love with me.” He took a breath and shook his head. “Could never thank you enough for that, Tara. Buffy and me... we've been stuck going 'round in circles for a right long while, and you helped us get... un-stuck. Who knows how bloody long it would've taken us to sort things out on our own.”

Tara still didn't think she deserved thanks for just being a good friend to Buffy. “I'm glad I was able to help, that's what friends do. Really... it wasn't a big deal.”

“It was a big deal to us.” Spike took a deep breath, steeled himself, and then stepped forward, putting his arms around Tara in a loose hug. “You might not think you did anything special, but you did. And I won't forget it. Thank you for bein'... _you_ , luv.”

Tara was shocked that Spike was actually hugging her and being so nice, but she recovered quickly and brought her arms up to return the hug, awkwardly patting Spike on the back. “You're welcome. I just w-want you and Buffy to be happy.”

Spike gave her a little kiss on the cheek before dropping his arms and taking a step back. He was extremely uncomfortable talking to Tara like this, and hugging her was an even harder thing for him to do, but Spike had been determined to do this; it was important to him to let Tara know how much he appreciated what she'd done. Speaking from the heart made Spike feel rather emotional, which increased his discomfort, and was the main reason he didn't want to talk to Tara in front of everyone else. It was hard enough for him as it was, he couldn't handle it if all of the Scoobies were gawking at him, and perhaps making snide comments, too. 

Tara noticed that Spike's eyes were shiny, and it made her want to say 'Awww!' But she could see how uneasy the vampire was about speaking to her like this, and the hugging, so she wisely chose to pretend she didn't notice any tears. Tara couldn't ignore the tears in her own eyes, though. She was touched that Spike had felt so strongly about thanking her that he'd let her see his sensitive side, the side that he was really only comfortable sharing with Buffy.

Spike cleared his throat and smiled timidly, hoping he hadn't made a complete git of himself. “I needed to get that off my chest. Sorry if it was just... weird.”

Tara agreed with Buffy, shy Spike was totally adorable.

“No, it wasn't weird,” Tara said. At Spike's arched eyebrow, she chuckled and acquiesced, “Alright, it was _a little_ weird at first. I think it's... really sweet that you wanted to thank me personally.”

Spike overlooked the 'sweet' comment. Normally, he would object to being called sweet by anyone other than Buffy, but he didn't mind if Tara thought of him that way, too. “If you ever need anything -- anything at all -- you call me. Got it? I don't have many friends...” Spike snorted and smirked. “Shocking, ain't it? I'll give you a moment to let that sink in before I continue.”

Tara laughed lightly, feeling much more at ease with Spike than she had only a minute ago. He really could be very cute and charming when he wanted to be.

“I'd like to include you in that _very exclusive_ club. So... friends, then?” he asked, holding out his hand.

Tara smiled and shook his hand. “I'd like that too, Spike. I want you to know that you can come to me if you ever need to get anything else off your chest.”

Spike frowned. “I don't know about that...”

“No, really you can,” Tara insisted with a nod.

“What I mean is, you're already Buffy's preferred therapist. If you take me on as a client as well, you might never get a moment's peace again,” he said, smirking at the end of the sentence. 

Tara laughed again. “Well, that's a risk I accepted when I decided to become an amateur psychologist.”

“You plan on expanding into couples counseling any time soon? You could get both of us on the couch at once, that might save you some time.”

“You're funny,” she said, chuckling. “I never noticed you being funny before.”

He shrugged. “My rapier wit goes over most people's heads. Actually... it's probably 'cos my jokes usually involve insulting someone, and a good person like you doesn't find that sort of thing funny.”

She nodded. “Yeah, that's probably it. Spike, I know this wasn't easy for you, you're usually not so... share-y. But I'm really glad you felt like you could talk to me.”

Spike sniffed and nodded. “Right, then.” He gestured at the door.

“Would you rather, um, I kept what we talked about just between the two of us?” Tara asked.

“You can tell whoever you like, I don't mind. I just didn't want an audience when I said what I needed to say to you.” He snorted again as he looked at the door. “I'll wager at least one of 'em has their ear to the door right now, tryin' to hear what we're saying.” Spike smiled mischievously. “Let's open the door real sudden-like -- if they're leaning on it, they might fall flat on their face. That'll teach 'em it's not polite to eavesdrop.”

“Oh, I doubt they're nosy and paranoid enough to be listening at the door,” Tara laughed. “But... we shouldn't open it too suddenly, just in case.”

* * *

No one fell into the training room when the door was opened -- mostly because Buffy wouldn't let anyone get close enough to listen. 

Everyone was looking curiously at Tara and Spike, still wondering what the two of them could possibly have to talk about.

Tara wanted to head-off any questions the others might be about to ask. “Spike wanted to thank me for helping Buffy the other night -- which he really didn't have to do, but I appreciate him saying it.”

Spike gave Tara a little smile, then looked around the room at the Scoobies with raised eyebrows. “Satisfied?”

“You couldn't say 'thanks' to Tara out here?” Xander asked, furrowing his brow.

“What's it t' you?” Spike asked, getting annoyed with Xander already. 

Xander held his hands up. “Take it easy, Spike, I was just asking a question. I'm just saying, it's weird. It doesn't --”

Tara spoke up before Xander could finish his sentence and the two men could get more agitated with each other. “Spike has his reasons, and I'm glad he chose to talk to me the way he did. He did a nice thing by coming to me to talk one-on-one, don't treat him like he did something wrong. Can we move on and talk about something else now?” 

The rest of the Scoobies exchanged surprised glances for a few moments, a bit taken aback at hearing Tara talk that way. She didn't stutter at all, and there was power behind her voice most of them had never, or rarely, heard. 

Spike winked at Tara, who smiled back at him. He knew he'd been right to trust Tara and consider her a friend. Besides this one, he couldn't think of an instance when any of the Scoobies had stuck up for him or demanded better treatment of him from another member of their little group.

Willow and Buffy were grinning, proud of their significant others. Willow was proud of how strong Tara looked and sounded (she was also more than a little turned on). And Buffy was proud of Spike for not being afraid to speak from his heart with one of her friends (she was more than a little turned on, too, but then she'd been halfway turned on all day).

Spike gave Tara a nod. “You're alright, Glinda. And definitely the best addition this sorry lot's ever seen."

"Hey!" Anya objected, her brows knit.

Spike glanced at Anya. "Like I said..." He rolled his eyes at Anya and Xander's grumbling and perturbed expressions. “It was a bloody joke, for God's sake! I do happen to like you, Anya.” He censored himself, stopping before he could say something like, '...despite your terrible taste in men.' “The Scoobies are lucky to have you onboard, too.”

“Oh... well, good.” Anya's frown turned up at the corners. “Thank you, Spike. Would you and Buffy like to join us at the Bronze later for some drinks and dancing?”

Xander winced, not thrilled at the prospect of more socializing with Spike. The more time he spent around Captain Peroxide, the harder it would be to maintain a pleasant facade. 

Spike shrugged and looked at Buffy. “If Buffy's game, it's alright with me.”

“Sure, I'm definitely up for some dancing,” Buffy enthused, looking forward to getting Spike out on the dance floor. “And it'll give Xander a chance to buy Spike that drink he's owed him for a while now.” Buffy gave Xander a look that said he'd better finally fulfill that promise.

“And don't forget the basket of spicy wings,” Spike added with a smirk.

Xander sighed. “Yes, I'll buy Spike **a** drink and spicy wings.” He wasn't happy about it, but at least he wouldn't owe Spike anything after he finally bought him the damn drink.

Buffy put her arms around Spike's neck and gave him a little kiss. “Saying what you did to Tara was very...”

“Sweet?” Spike cringed.

Buffy chuckled. “Yes, I'm sorry but it was very sweet. Why didn't you tell me you were going to do that?”

Spike shrugged. “Dunno. I... wasn't sure if I'd lose my nerve, I s'pose. I didn't want you to be disappointed in me if I couldn't do it.”

“I know it isn't easy for you to do stuff like that... I'm proud of you, my big ol' teddy bear with fangs.” She smiled and gave him another soft kiss. “You're being so thoughtful and considerate of my friends.”

Spike grimaced slightly, as if he had a bad taste in his mouth. “Yeah... I'm really startin' to make myself sick.”

Buffy laughed. “Well, it makes me very happy to see you making a real effort and being friendly with the other important people in my life. I know there's a good guy in there,” Buffy said, poking his chest with an index finger, “he just needs to be nurtured for him to come out more often.”

Spike put an arm around her waist and pulled her closer, then whispered in her ear, “There's also a bad boy in here who'd fancy some _nurturing_ , too. He's still brassed off 'bout not getting a bit of nurturing this mornin'.”

Buffy bit her lip to keep from letting out a very girly giggle. She gave his earlobe a little nibble, then whispered, “Well... I plan on tending to that bad, _bad_ boy inside of you after fulfilling my Slayer duties this evening. I'm gonna nurture his brains out.” 

Spike pulled back, smirking and arching an eyebrow. “Is that a promise?”

“Uh-huh. And I always keep my promises.” Buffy raised and lowered her eyebrows suggestively. She wanted to take Spike in the training room right now and ravish him... But, having not mastered 'quiet sex,' her friends were bound to hear some zoo noises, and Buffy didn't want to test her friends' limits (or Xander's gag-reflex) that way. Buffy would have to wait to ravish Spike and be ravished by him again for a _little while_ longer.

“Wanna leave right now?” Spike asked, wanting to just hoist Buffy over his shoulder and run to the nearest bed.

“Hey, you never told me what was in the bag,” Buffy said, nudging the shopping bag Spike had brought with him with her foot. “I was tempted to peek while you were in the other room, but I restrained myself.”

Spike groaned and hung his head back. “Bloody hell... I forgot to give it to Tara in the training room. I've been so bloody forgetful lately.”

Buffy had to stifle a laugh, thinking 'give it to Tara in the training room' sounded dirty. She had to get her mind out of the gutter. “Aww, you got Tara a present? What's stopping you from giving it to her now?”

Spike glanced at the Scoobies, not enjoying the prospect of being teased about his niceness. 

“Don't worry about what anyone might say, Spike. I think it'll be a good thing for everyone to see you do something nice,” Buffy encouraged him. “But it's up to you.”

Spike nodded, making up his mind. He picked up the bag and walked over to Tara at the counter. So what if the Scoobies did take the piss outta him? It wouldn't be the end of the world. “I forgot I wanted to give you this.” He took a piece of paper out of the bag and held it out to Tara.

She took the paper, very curious as to what it could be. It was a page torn out of a magical supply catalogue, featuring a picture of a Tarot card deck.

“I wanted to buy it for you, but I knew Anya would bitch at me if I bought it anywhere else but here,” Spike said, giving Anya an annoyed look.

Tara grinned. "The 'Daughters of the Moon' deck! I've always wanted this one." She was touched, almost speechless for a few moments that Spike wanted to give her such a great gift. "Th-thank you, Spike. But you don't have to buy me anything, it's okay.”

He shook his head. “I won't take no for an answer, you're gettin' it.” Spike took the page and then handed it to Anya. “Wrap one of those up for me, would you, luv?”

“I'll have to order it special. We don't carry that particular deck, they're very rare,” Anya said. “It'll cost you extra.”

Spike sighed. “Knew I shoulda went to that 'Abracadabra' shop... Bet _they_ have it in stock.”

“Don't even joke about that!” Anya scowled at the mention of their shop's arch-enemy. “Alright... you don't have to pay the extra ordering charge... this time.”

“You're too kind,” Spike sighed as he put the money down on the counter. He turned back to Tara. “I wanted to be able to give you something, and not just the promise of a gift. So... I bought something for your pretty l'il pussy.”

Everyone's eyes got wider and their jaws dropped slightly. Even the normally unflappable and often inappropriate Anya froze. They stared at Spike, thinking he couldn't have possibly have just said what they thought he said. 

Spike reached into the bag. "I know she's small now, but she'll grow into..." He finally noticed how everyone was looking at him. His brow creased, wondering what he'd done wrong _now_. "Why are you all lookin' at me like that? I know witchy types are especially fond of their felines, I thought a gift for the cat would be appreciated." Spike took a purple cat collar adorned with a silver pentagram (and not something they all feared he'd bought at a sex shop) out of the shopping bag.

Buffy started laughing and hugged Spike from behind. "Oh, pussy _cat_! Spike... um, I told you how you should attach 'cat' onto the end of that word if you're talking to Americans."

"You thought I meant..." Spike looked at Tara, now his eyes widened, too. "Oh, bloody hell... I didn't mean your... It's for the soddin' cat -- Miss Kitty Magnifico, whatever the bloody hell her name is." He looked away and held the collar out to Tara.

Tara giggled and blushed as she took the collar from Spike. "It's... It's okay, I just... I didn't know what to think. I was afraid to see what you were about to take out of the bag."

The rest of the Scoobies laughed along with Tara and Buffy -- the first time all of them, including Spike, shared a laugh.

“Well, that could've been awkward,” Spike joked.

Tara patted Spike's shoulder. “Miss Kitty will love the collar, thank you, Spike. It was so thoughtful of you to get something for her. And you're getting me the Tarot deck no matter how much I object, right?”

“Right,” he said with a nod. 

“In that case, I'll just say thank you.” Tara blushed as she leaned forward and gave Spike a kiss on the cheek.

He sniffed and smiled. “Welcome.”

Buffy could see Spike was starting to fidget uncomfortably. He was probably itching to get out of the shop by now. “Spike and I are going to do a little patrolling before we go Bronze'ing.”

Spike gave her a grateful smile. “Yeah, let's get goin', pet.”

“I have to clean up a little first and change out of my workout clothes. It'll only take a few minutes.” Buffy gave him a quick kiss and hurried into the training room.

He'd been so anxious to leave that he hadn't noticed Buffy was still wearing a sports bra and the rest of her workout gear. Spike wanted to leave on a high note, and before something unpleasant could happen. 

To his relief, the Scoobies went about their normal routines and gave him some space. Tara and Willow were searching for books about the 'Daughters of the Moon' Tarot; Anya sat at the table, reading a magazine during her break; and Xander and Giles were at the counter, discussing a new display case Giles wanted Xander to construct for the shop.

Spike went to a bookshelf near the reading table, just browsing and biding his time until Buffy came back. He noticed Anya looking at him. He really wasn't in the mood for small-talk... but he decided to start a conversation with her before she had a chance to start one about her and Xander's bedroom habits. “You'll order that Tarot deck for Tara, straightaway?”

“Yes, I'll send in the order before I leave tonight.”

“Good... thanks.”

“It should get here by Wednesday, Friday at the latest.”

“Yeah, that's what...” Spike paused, realizing Anya's attention was focused somewhere other than his face. He put his hands on his hips. “Anya?”

“Hmm?”

“My eyes are up here.” Spike pointed to his face for emphasis. “Want to tell me why you're starin' at my crotch?” he asked, making no attempt to shield his area from her gaze. He was just curious as to why she was staring, he had no objections to being ogled. 

She looked up to his eyes, not ashamed of being caught as most people would be. “I was just...” Anya stopped in mid-sentence, aware that her brand of in-your-face honesty and outspokenness wasn't appropriate in this instance. 

“If you're in the market for a new boyfriend, sorry, luv, I'm spoken for,” Spike sneered.

"No, I'm not interested in being with you. Xander leaves me completely satisfied in bed... most of the time. Sometimes he's tired from working all day and can only --"

"Let me stop you right there," Spike cautioned, holding up a hand, "before you say something that'll make me vomit. If you aren't interested in me, then why were you starin' at my package?"

Anya opened her mouth to speak, but stopped just before she said anything. She looked around conspiratorially, then crooked a finger at Spike. 

Spike's brow furrowed, he leaned away from her instead of getting closer as she requested. “What? Why can't you just say it?” 

She blew out an exasperated breath. “Will you just come here so I can quietly tell you the reason I was looking at your impressive package?”

Spike regarded her warily, but slowly leaned down to allow her to whisper in his ear. He was leery, but his curiosity was too great, he had to hear Anya's reason. Spike's eyebrows rose higher as Anya explained her reason for ogling him. 

He stood up straight, pursing his lips and cocking an eyebrow. “Is that so?”

Buffy had come out of the training room a moment ago, dressed in her street clothes and drinking from a bottle of water. While she was happy to see nothing bad had happened during her brief absence, she had a sense of foreboding at seeing Anya whispering something in Spike's ear...

Buffy thought, _'No... she wouldn't tell him... would she? Not after I told her NOT to tell anyone, like, a million times...'_ She did her best to ignore the anxiety she was feeling, telling herself that she was just getting upset over what would turn out to be nothing. Buffy pushed past the bad feeling, put a smile on her face, and walked over to Spike and Anya.

“Ready to go, Buffy?” Spike asked.

“Almost, yeah.” Buffy wracked her brain, trying to think of a polite, non-nosy way of asking what it was they were all whispery about. “What are you guys up to? I saw you were talking when I came in.”

“Oh, that,” Anya chuckled. “It's a funny story. Spike caught me gazing at his groin and thought I might be lusting after him. I assured him that I'm only interested Xander.”

Buffy's brows formed a V. “What? Why the hell were you gazing at his groin?!”

“Well,” Anya explained, “after what you told us, I had to wonder if you were exaggerating about the size of his penis in order to make me envious.” 

Buffy paled and her eyes got progressively wider as Anya spoke.

Anya was oblivious to Buffy's panicked expression. She smiled pleasantly at Spike. “Buffy also said you were the best lover she's ever had, and that she lost count of how many mind-scrambling orgasms you gave her. She described some wonderful techniques you used. Like, how did you do that thing with your --”

Buffy interrupted her, “Stop making things up, Anya! I never told you guys anything like that." She gave Anya a look that said she'd better shut up.

Anya didn't get the message. "Yes, you did. I clearly remember you talking to me, Willow, and Tara before Spike arrived. You told us how well-endowed he is, that he's a skilled lover, and a stallion in bed. You can ask them.” Then Anya looked at Buffy with concern. “Are you alright? Is something wrong with your memory?”

Buffy grit her teeth, wishing she could make Anya burst into flames with her mind. “I... am going to kill you.” She gave up the pretense of pretending Anya was joking or lying. By now, Spike knew it was Buffy who was lying, and he was probably very hurt and/or embarrassed that she'd been talking about him like a piece of meat. 

Anya blinked in surprise. “Why? What did I do?”

“ _What did you do_? Are you serious?” Buffy asked, incredulous. She tried to keep her voice as low as possible, Giles and Xander still didn't know she and Spike had made love last night... unless Anya had had a little chat with them while Buffy was out of the room, too. “You weren't supposed to tell everyone what I told you in confidence! And I gave you a _look_ a minute ago that should've told you to shut up -- didn't you see the frickin' look?!"

"I didn't see any look that 'said' anything.” Anya frowned. 

Xander was still at the counter, but heard Buffy's voice sounding stressed. “Something wrong?” he asked, preparing to go over to the table.

Buffy turned her head and somehow managed to smile. “No, nothing's wrong. Just... stay over there. We're, um... discussing your birthday party.”

“Really?” Xander grinned. His birthday was still a few months away... He thought they must be planning something really special to be talking about it so far in advance. “Okay, just remember that clowns scare the bejeebus outta me, so don't plan a circus themed party.”

Buffy's friendly smile disappeared when she looked back at Anya. “You didn't tell them, too, did you?” she growled.

“No, of course not!” Anya said, sounding offended.

“You have _such_ a big mouth! I _knew_ I shouldn't have trusted you...”

“You specifically said you didn't want _Xander and Giles_ to know about your night of passion with Spike, and I didn't tell them,” Anya said reasonably, still believing she hadn't done anything wrong.

“You weren't supposed to tell _anyone_ , including Spike. How could you _not_ get that? I swear, it's like you're from another frickin' planet!”

“I don't know what you're upset about, Buffy.” Anya shrugged. “Spike already knew the things I told him. And a man likes it when their girlfriend tells her friends that he has large penis and brags about his sexual prowess.”

Buffy's right eye twitched. She _really_ wanted to punch Anya right now... but she kept her temper under control. “Just... forget it,” she groaned, putting a hand to her temple and rubbing. “Arguing with you about it is giving me a headache, and it's only pissing me off more.”

Spike tapped Buffy on the arm. “It's gettin' late, we should start on patrol.”

“Y-yeah, okay.” She wasn't eager to go, though getting away from Anya was very appealing. But Buffy knew the moment she and Spike were alone... she'd have to explain herself. Was he going to blow up at her? Would he stalk off into the night and find a place to brood, leaving her to wonder where he was and worrying that he might just leave her forever this time?

* * *

Spike was walking a bit ahead of her on the sidewalk, not waiting for her to catch up... that wasn't a good sign. Buffy bit her lip, waiting for him to say something. 

After he hadn't slowed down or said a word for what seemed like an eternity, Buffy had to say _something_ , the silence was killing her. She stopped walking. “I'm sorry, Spike.”

Spike stopped and turned halfway around to look at her, raising an eyebrow. “You're sorry?”

“Yes, I'm very, very sorry.”

“And what is it you're sorry for?” he asked.

Buffy closed her eyes and took a trembling breath. “Please don't... I know I messed up, but you don't have to make me feel worse than I already do.”

Spike smiled questioningly. “What're you on about, Buffy?”

“Spike...” she sighed. He was obviously not going to let her off the hook easily. “Can we please not do this? I know you must be angry, but --”

“Angry about what?” Spike looked heavenward in exasperation. “Will you just tell me what it is you're supposed to have done to piss me off? I honestly don't know.”

She paused, studying his face and gauging his mood. “You... really don't know what I'm talking about?”

“Haven't got a bloody clue.” Spike put his hands in his pockets and walked over to her, tilting his head. “Care to enlighten me, pet?”

Buffy looked down at the pavement, feeling like a jerk for spilling bedroom secrets to her friends. "I'm really sorry I told them about last night and... details about _you_. I should've known I couldn't trust Anya to keep her big mouth shut. I should'n'tve told them about last night. I know I screwed up... and I'm sorry." 

Spike arched an eyebrow. "You thought I'd be angry you told your mates I had a big cock and that I was the best sex you ever had? You have _met_ me, right?" He smiled and ducked his head to see her face. “The demon bird was right, I'm chuffed that you were talkin' about me with your mates.”

Buffy looked up, smiling tentatively. "You're not mad at me?” She searched his eyes for any sign of sadness or hurt, but all she saw in the depths of his deep blue eyes was happiness and amusement.

Spike laughed. “If anything, I'm even _happier_ knowin' you were bragging about me. I didn't think it was possible to be happier than I was last night, but...” he shrugged, “here we are.”

“If you're not mad, then why did you want to leave the shop so suddenly? I thought it was because you couldn't wait to start yelling at me.”

“'Like I said, it was gettin' late and I thought we should start on patrol. I also reckoned it was a good idea to get you out of there -- a few more minutes of arguing with Anya might've made her nightmare of a rampaging Slayer destroying her shop a reality.”

“Okay...” Buffy had been so convinced that she'd messed everything up (again!) that it was hard for her to believe everything was actually fine. “Well, why didn't you want to walk with me? And why didn't you say anything to me for a minute?”

“I thought you were upset about arguing with Anya and you'd need a few minutes to cool down,” Spike explained. “I didn't want to say or do anything that might transfer your anger towards her onto me. I wanted to laugh about the whole thing after Anya told me, but I didn't think you'd take too kindly to me laughing when you were so upset.”

“So... everything's really okay?” Buffy asked dubiously.

“Yes, everything is really okay.” Spike raised his hand to her face, gently stroking her cheek. “I'm sorry, pet... I know it's my fault you're feelin' so paranoid. If I hadn't been such an enormous git and taken offense to every little thing...” He sighed with regret and shook his head, wishing he could go back and change all their 'misunderstandings.'

“To be fair, we both exhibited git-like behavior,” Buffy said, hoping to make him smile. It worked this time.

Spike chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist. “That's all in the past, we're gonna be smarter and approach any problems we have with maturity from now on.”

“We are, huh?” Buffy asked with a skeptical laugh. “You have _met_ us, right?”

Spike chuckled at her turning the question back on him. “We can do it, luv. Remember what I said this morning? I'm not gonna be that insecure prat who misinterprets everything you say and do anymore. If I've got a problem, you're gonna hear about it. I won't just take off and silently stew about it like I did before. And, this one's very important, I will not jump to the worst of conclusions when I do feel slighted. I expect the same of you, too -- you tell me about it if I upset you in any way. We're gonna be fine, luv. No worries.”

“How come you're being so much more... un-spazzy about everything than I am?” Buffy wondered.

Spike pursed his lips, thinking about it. “I just feel much calmer, more centered since last night. I have no doubt that you love me, and...” he gave her his flirty open-mouthed smile and slow eyeblink combo, “... I know we'll have no problems satisfying each other's wants and desires both in and out of the bedroom. I'm just more confident about _us_.”

“Does it... upset you that I'm still wigging out about everything and worried something will come between us again?” Buffy asked nervously.

“So, now you're worried that I'm _not_ worried?” Spike asked, smirking.

Buffy snorted softly, dropping her head to rest her forehead on his shoulder. “I know... I'm crazy.”

Spike held her close, rubbing her back comfortingly. “Being in love can make people a bit nutty, it's been happenin' since the beginning of time. But it's not as if things have been perfect between us up 'til now and your paranoia is coming out of nowhere... I've done plenty of bloody stupid things to cause you to worry.” 

“Yeah, but I've done some bloody stupid things, too,” Buffy sighed. “If I hadn't...”

Spike cut off her sentence, took her hands in his and pulled away to gaze into her eyes. “We've both mucked things up at one time or another, but... Listen to me, Buffy. I'm yours... Every part of me is yours. I'd rather dust than ruin or walk away from the best thing that's ever happened to me. _You're_ the best thing that's ever happened to me, Buffy. Not a day will go by that I won't think about how bloody lucky I am to be with you. I'm hopelessly devoted to you... just like that bloody song says. You have no chance of _ever_ getting rid of me, you're stuck with me forever. I love you, Buffy Summers. Understand?”

Buffy smiled, her eyes getting a little misty. “I love you too, Spike. And yes... I do understand.” She genuinely, _finally_ did understand that nothing she could possibly say or do would make this man stop loving her. They would have their ups and downs like any other couple, they just had to trust and believe in each other -- and cut each other some slack for small, unintended offenses from time to time. 

Spike smiled softly. “I have no problem with telling and _showing_ you how much I love you every single day if that's what it takes.” 

“I'll tell and _show_ you how much I love you every day, too.” Buffy knew the women Spike had loved never treated him as well as he'd treated them, she planned on fixing that. 

They held hands as they resumed their walk to the cemetery.

“Feel better now?” Spike asked.

Buffy nodded. “Definitely; however, I am _never_ telling Anya anything ever again. I was so stupid to think I could trust her to keep her mouth shut... I'm glad we left the shop when we did. If I had to look at her or listen to her talk one minute longer, I would've punched her in the face. Things are good between you and me, we didn't have a fight over it, but she could've caused big trouble if you'd reacted badly. I can't help but still be pissed off at her.”

“Well, that should make meeting them at the Bronze in an hour or so more interesting,” Spike said dryly.

Buffy groaned and made a face. “Oh, dammit... That's right, we're meeting for drinks and dancing. I forgot about that.”

“Give Anya a break, luv.”

“I'd like to _break_ her neck,” Buffy grumbled.

Spike snorted. “C'mon, she didn't know she wasn't supposed to tell me, and there's no harm done.”

“Why do you care if I'm mad at her?”

He shrugged. “I know what it's like to be the outsider and have a past that's... well, unsavory, to say the least. Yours isn't the easiest group to jump into, y'know? You're all so close, more like family than just friends. It's obvious Anya wants to belong, she just doesn't know how to be... _normal_ ; she's still learning the ropes. She'll get it eventually, she needs time is all. Anya wasn't being nasty or malicious when she repeated what you'd said, she just didn't understand it wasn't okay to tell me. So... cut her some slack, yeah?”

“I really want to stay mad at her...” Buffy sighed, resigned; she'd give Spike pretty much anything he asked of her right now. “Alright... I'll cut her some slack _for you_.” Buffy could see that Spike's plea for clemency on Anya's behalf was also asking her to be patient with him while he 'learned the ropes.' “I guess you're right... Anya didn't realize she was doing anything wrong. I'll just have to be _super_ clear when I give her instructions on secret-keeping in the future.”

“I'll wager Anya will be more careful about what she says, and who she says it to, in the future, as well.” Spike looked at his watch. “We aren't even at the cemetery yet. Doesn't look like we'll have much time for patrolling before it's time to head over to the Bronze for my free drink and spicy wings.”

“Well... we _could_ do a longer patrol after the Bronze instead of doing one now,” Buffy suggested with a saucy smile and a twinkle in her eye. “There's something I've been dying to do _all_ day that would be a much more fun way to pass the time.”

Spike smirked, seeing what he recognized as Buffy's 'I'm gonna rock your world' look. “You think an hour is enough time for what you have in mind, pet? You know how _thorough_ I am,” he said, his voice going deeper and rumbling with passion. 

Buffy smiled and bit her lip in that way she knew Spike found irresistible. “Well... it wouldn't be the end of the world if we're a little bit late.”

 

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, I still can't quite believe it's finally finished and I can mark the story as “Complete”! It's been a loooong time coming lol
> 
> * Thanks to everyone for reading and reviewing! Thank you for sticking with me through the _very_ lengthy waits between chapters lol
> 
> * More thanks to my amazing beta Passion4Spike, who made the story so much better than it would've been without her invaluable help and advice. She is THE best :) I don't know what I'd do without you, P4S! *HUGS*
> 
> * Yet more thanks to Dark Heart (who, like P4S, is an awesome author) for all the support and encouragement he's given me. He kept me on track and determined, not letting me give up on myself. I literally couldn't have finished the story without you in my corner, DH! *HUGS* 
> 
> * Spike's poem was actually the song, 'Never My Love' (songwriters Addrisi, Richard P./Addrisi, Donald J.). I changed some of the lyrics to suit my purposes :) Listen to the song by The Association here: [ Never My Love - The Association ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zDDUWC6CU7g)


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